A Lost Female Friend

[PeacockMan]

I have a sensitive topic to expound on. It could be very long. Here is a quick summary:

- I have a female friend, we have been friends for 5 years
- She trusted me so much she asked me to be the godfather for her 2 kids and I accepted
- Back in January she came to my house and things took a turn from just friends, she held onto my crotch wanting sex but I didn't push things that way
- We agreed however we would begin dating after this
- Then she changed her mind to say we can only be friends and I got upset about it and she blocked me
- We reconciled after about 2 weeks however things were never the same and I would have asked her if some of the hurtful things she said about me were true
- So she blocked me again and about 3 weeks later we reconciled again
- After that reconcilation, she continued to send mixed signals if we are just friends or more so 2 weeks ago I asked her to choose and we will either be friends or more and I probably overshared
- She then cut me off again and I showed up to her house uninvited to talk to her and she called the police, her family showed up, and she lied to say I tried to kick down her door when all I came to do was apologize and make amends.

My intents are pure and I would have made it clear moving forward if we are just friends, I can't be giving her boyfriend energy. How do I get my friend back? I did make it clear that she cannot give mixed signals.

It's at a point of escalation now she has gotten her family involved and warned me to never text, call, or email her again. How to restore this friendship? I got so attached to her kids like they are mine.

Edit: There are 2 of her family members who have been listening to my side of things. I've explained that ever since we almost got sexual it's been difficult for me to see her as just a friend anymore and I would have simply asked for some time for my female friend to give me so I can go out there, meet new women and get the sexual tension out my system.

I also told her if she decides we are just friends I can no longer:

- Help her with finding jobs or giving her jobs (which I did before)
- Can no longer be the one to help her learn money making skills
- I do not want her to share anything more about her sexual history with her abusive partner (she told me she was leaving him and when I said she could come live with me she declined so I told her if he hurts her again, she needs to go to the police, don't tell me, and especially stop sharing the last time they had sex with me...because it's hurting my feelings and giving mixed signals)

I just want my platonic female friend back, and my intent with the messages was to set clear boundaries I can longer do things that her partner SHOULD be doing and to just give me some time to meet other women and lose that sexual desire for her... i mean we were JUST FRIENDS for 5 years till the day she invited herself over to my house. We have shared nudes and had phone sex with her moaning my name so clearly that would affect me in just going back to just friends immediately.

 

[Jamster]

It's at a point of escalation now she has gotten her family involved and warned me to never text, call, or email her again. How to restore this friendship? I got so attached to her kids like they are mine.

GET OUT.

It's common for a person in an abusive relationship to have misplaced anger and process other relationships as abusive. The guy that beats her is OK, just gets a little out of line, but this other guy said something that she found so offensive she can't deal with his abuse.

She didn't call the police on her abusive partner, but she did on you?

Dude, get out. You can bet that she is in a cycle of abuse and when she leaves her abusive partner? She will find another abusive partner.

It's sad about breaking the relationship with her and her kids, sure. But she called the police and told you to "never text, never call."

If you keep contact with her, you are just asking to be convicted of domestic abuse. DON'T DO IT.

GET OUT.

 

[PeacockMan]

GET OUT.

It's common for a person in an abusive relationship to have misplaced anger and process other relationships as abusive. The guy that beats her is OK, just gets a little out of line, but this other guy said something that she found so offensive she can't deal with his abuse.

She didn't call the police on her abusive partner, but she did on you?

Dude, get out. You can bet that she is in a cycle of abuse and when she leaves her abusive partner? She will find another abusive partner.

It's sad about breaking the relationship with her and her kids, sure. But she called the police and told you to "never text, never call."

If you keep contact with her, you are just asking to be convicted of domestic abuse. DON'T DO IT.

GET OUT.

Thanks for sharing, to clarify one thing I forgot to mention, her birthday was about 2 months ago and she disclosed to me that she went out with her sister and best female friend for her birthday, came home after 1am and he accused her of having someone else.

And so he pulled a knife at her (again) and she called the police on him and the police did warn him that he needs to leave the house or ensure there is 100% peace. They have been in conflict for years and she said that because of this she has not been intimate with him for a month and says she is serious about leaving.

The only reason she stayed so long was because they have 2 kids together and she wanted to keep the peace in the family however he is too posessive. If she leaves the house for an hour, he demands to know her whereabouts.

 

[Jamster]

@PeacockMan

Sure. There's a lot of messy events. It doesn't change the picture. There are no "clarifying details."

 

[gameboy]

and she lied to say I tried to kick down her door

She lied to her family about you, her "friend".

Maybe she also lied about her "abusive partner". Maybe the bad person in this story is her.

Wouldn't surprise me...

Anyway, @Jamster is right. Get the hell away from this woman.

 

[Michael Chief]

Interesting.

Help me understand you, because I definitely would not feel the things you're feeling if I were in your shoes.

I have had many longtime friends who behaved in unacceptable ways that I was able to easily cut out of my life. It is objectively the right choice to cut ties with this person, so why do you still want to reconnect?

The reason I am able to easily cut ties with shitty people is because of abundance. Do you have scarcity when it comes to friendship, sex, affection, etc.?

- Then she changed her mind to say we can only be friends and I got upset about it and she blocked me

This is the earliest part of your post that made me raise an eyebrow. Why get upset? Are you that attached? What will help you be less attached to her and in general?

When strong feelings like attraction are involved, there's sometimes no telling what women will decide to do, especially considering the variety of attachment styles people can have. If someone tries to create some distance from me because she feels overwhelmed by anything, I understand that that's something that can happen, and there's no reason for me to get upset. It also doesn't take anything from me because I'm still getting love, sex, and affection from other sources. Yeah, I'll be kinda sad and disappointed if someone I really liked or even loved wanted to leave me in any capacity, but everything will turn out fine eventually even if we end up never seeing each other again. There's too much beauty and love out there to stay stuck.

 

[AsianBabe69]

And so he pulled a knife at her (again) and she called the police on him and the police did warn him that he needs to leave the house or ensure there is 100% peace. They have been in conflict for years and she said that because of this she has not been intimate with him for a month and says she is serious about leaving.

This is a very dangerous situation. What are the odds that he might come after you if he finds out you were anything other than friends? It doesn't seem worth the risk.. Now if he was a peaceful, gentle person who holds no grudges, then different story.

"says she is serious about leaving." - I would not take her word for it unless she actually follows through.

I just want my platonic female friend back

That's very difficult to do once you've crossed the barrier with nudes/phone sex, etc. If you both cannot get on the same page, and she still sends mixed signals, it won't be possible. It will just be awkward. I'd say the only chance is if you step away/keep your distance for a while until her life stabilizes.

Maybe she also lied about her "abusive partner". Maybe the bad person in this story is her.

Agreed, especially if she is the common denominator in the breakdown of all her past "abusive" relationships. Like when someone tells me that all their exes are crazy, it raises red flags. Someone contributes in turning the other person crazy who was otherwise sane beforehand. Or they both drove each other crazy/just aren't a good match.

 

[Skills]

I have a sensitive topic to expound on. It could be very long. Here is a quick summary:

- I have a female friend, we have been friends for 5 years
- She trusted me so much she asked me to be the godfather for her 2 kids and I accepted
- Back in January she came to my house and things took a turn from just friends, she held onto my crotch wanting sex but I didn't push things that way
- We agreed however we would begin dating after this
- Then she changed her mind to say we can only be friends and I got upset about it and she blocked me
- We reconciled after about 2 weeks however things were never the same and I would have asked her if some of the hurtful things she said about me were true
- So she blocked me again and about 3 weeks later we reconciled again
- After that reconcilation, she continued to send mixed signals if we are just friends or more so 2 weeks ago I asked her to choose and we will either be friends or more and I probably overshared
- She then cut me off again and I showed up to her house uninvited to talk to her and she called the police, her family showed up, and she lied to say I tried to kick down her door when all I came to do was apologize and make amends.

My intents are pure and I would have made it clear moving forward if we are just friends, I can't be giving her boyfriend energy. How do I get my friend back? I did make it clear that she cannot give mixed signals.

It's at a point of escalation now she has gotten her family involved and warned me to never text, call, or email her again. How to restore this friendship? I got so attached to her kids like they are mine.

Edit: There are 2 of her family members who have been listening to my side of things. I've explained that ever since we almost got sexual it's been difficult for me to see her as just a friend anymore and I would have simply asked for some time for my female friend to give me so I can go out there, meet new women and get the sexual tension out my system.

I also told her if she decides we are just friends I can no longer:

- Help her with finding jobs or giving her jobs (which I did before)
- Can no longer be the one to help her learn money making skills
- I do not want her to share anything more about her sexual history with her abusive partner (she told me she was leaving him and when I said she could come live with me she declined so I told her if he hurts her again, she needs to go to the police, don't tell me, and especially stop sharing the last time they had sex with me...because it's hurting my feelings and giving mixed signals)

I just want my platonic female friend back, and my intent with the messages was to set clear boundaries I can longer do things that her partner SHOULD be doing and to just give me some time to meet other women and lose that sexual desire for her... i mean we were JUST FRIENDS for 5 years till the day she invited herself over to my house. We have shared nudes and had phone sex with her moaning my name so clearly that would affect me in just going back to just friends immediately.

no this is done... Get a new friend.... You may have onitis...

 

[PeacockMan]

Quick update: Today I had a chat with one of the persons on her side who threatened me and I they calmed down and I showed them some evidence of what really happened. Turns out she painted me as a monster to them and because they didn't have my side of the story, they were super upset.

As I write this, that person is in a power of authority in her life they empatized with me and said she was wrong for sending those mixed signals and they are demanding she unblocks me, to show even the most basic respect I'm the godfather of her 2 kids.

Another person who was of a calmer demeanor is also going to talk to her and both of these gentlemen are close family and they are basically on my side now saying she is unreasonable. They are going to make it clear to her she either needs to choose just friends or dating, but not in between. So I'll see how that goes next week.

 

[Jamster]

. . . I showed them some evidence. . . .

Why?

You know she's trouble. They likely know she's trouble. Do you think buttonholing people who know her is going to do anything other than convince them that you are a problem because you're obsessed?

Note: They can and will believe that - even if they know she's a sick pup.

 

[OldGuy]

Her family would like to see you dating her instead of her current bf, but they are not doing you any favors!

 

[gameboy]

I understand you got attached to her kids... that must suck.

I remember reading somewhere, "don't ever date a woman with children, you will fall in love with the children and if or when she leaves you, it will hurt 10x as much". Fortunately I've never been in that situation. Good luck... (and yes I still agree with the others, this girl is bad news)

 

[Will_V]

I have a sensitive topic to expound on. It could be very long. Here is a quick summary:

- I have a female friend, we have been friends for 5 years
- She trusted me so much she asked me to be the godfather for her 2 kids and I accepted
- Back in January she came to my house and things took a turn from just friends, she held onto my crotch wanting sex but I didn't push things that way
- We agreed however we would begin dating after this
- Then she changed her mind to say we can only be friends and I got upset about it and she blocked me
- We reconciled after about 2 weeks however things were never the same and I would have asked her if some of the hurtful things she said about me were true
- So she blocked me again and about 3 weeks later we reconciled again
- After that reconcilation, she continued to send mixed signals if we are just friends or more so 2 weeks ago I asked her to choose and we will either be friends or more and I probably overshared
- She then cut me off again and I showed up to her house uninvited to talk to her and she called the police, her family showed up, and she lied to say I tried to kick down her door when all I came to do was apologize and make amends.

My intents are pure and I would have made it clear moving forward if we are just friends, I can't be giving her boyfriend energy. How do I get my friend back? I did make it clear that she cannot give mixed signals.

It's at a point of escalation now she has gotten her family involved and warned me to never text, call, or email her again. How to restore this friendship? I got so attached to her kids like they are mine.

Edit: There are 2 of her family members who have been listening to my side of things. I've explained that ever since we almost got sexual it's been difficult for me to see her as just a friend anymore and I would have simply asked for some time for my female friend to give me so I can go out there, meet new women and get the sexual tension out my system.

I also told her if she decides we are just friends I can no longer:

- Help her with finding jobs or giving her jobs (which I did before)
- Can no longer be the one to help her learn money making skills
- I do not want her to share anything more about her sexual history with her abusive partner (she told me she was leaving him and when I said she could come live with me she declined so I told her if he hurts her again, she needs to go to the police, don't tell me, and especially stop sharing the last time they had sex with me...because it's hurting my feelings and giving mixed signals)

I just want my platonic female friend back, and my intent with the messages was to set clear boundaries I can longer do things that her partner SHOULD be doing and to just give me some time to meet other women and lose that sexual desire for her... i mean we were JUST FRIENDS for 5 years till the day she invited herself over to my house. We have shared nudes and had phone sex with her moaning my name so clearly that would affect me in just going back to just friends immediately.

As others have made it very clear, this woman is not your 'friend'.

And you are also lying to yourself about wanting to be friends with her - I mean, you were 'friends' for 5 years, she grabs your crotch once, and now you struggle to lose your sexual desire for her? Yeah, you've been holding out hoping for something more for all those 5 years.

I hate to say it but this story is basically the red pill anthem through and through. You should probably call up Rich Cooper, I'm sure he'd make a video on it tomorrow.

This woman has kept you in the back pocket for 5 years while she goes on a fun emotional rollercoaster with her abusive boyfriend, and when things came to a head with him, she came to you to see if her backup plan was still active. When she had satisfied herself of that, she immediately backed out to get you back into the back pocket.

She is not interested in a relationship with you. She's just interested in feeling secure that she has something to fall back on if her boyfriend ever left the picture (though even if that happened, anything between you would not last very long, if at all. She just wants to feel like she could). And in the meantime, you are on the bottom of the abusive food chain: He abuses her, she abuses you, and you just have your time, emotions, and energy consumed with nothing in return.

See her for what she is. She ain't your friend, and she ain't your girlfriend. Time to move on.

 

[Skills]

As others have made it very clear, this woman is not your 'friend'.

And you are also lying to yourself about wanting to be friends with her - I mean, you were 'friends' for 5 years, she grabs your crotch once, and now you struggle to lose your sexual desire for her? Yeah, you've been holding out hoping for something more for all those 5 years.

I hate to say it but this story is basically the red pill anthem through and through. You should probably call up Rich Cooper, I'm sure he'd make a video on it tomorrow.

This woman has kept you in the back pocket for 5 years while she goes on a fun emotional rollercoaster with her abusive boyfriend, and when things came to a head with him, she came to you to see if her backup plan was still active. When she had satisfied herself of that, she immediately backed out to get you back into the back pocket.

She is not interested in a relationship with you. She's just interested in feeling secure that she has something to fall back on if her boyfriend ever left the picture (though even if that happened, anything between you would not last very long, if at all. She just wants to feel like she could). And in the meantime, you are on the bottom of the abusive food chain: He abuses her, she abuses you, and you just have your time, emotions, and energy consumed with nothing in return.

See her for what she is. She ain't your friend, and she ain't your girlfriend. Time to move on.

correct closet onitis i said that ^ she knows this... Creeping her out...

Watch op update this a million times, (due to closet onitis)....

Pretty much he is in the friendzone...But he is creeping her out (so she now does not even want friendship cause she knows what is going on) op watch this 10 times:

 

[PeacockMan]

This is a very dangerous situation. What are the odds that he might come after you if he finds out you were anything other than friends? It doesn't seem worth the risk..

Well she did tell me that he threatened her that if she ever tries to leave him, he will destroy her (criminal acts).

She lied to her family about you, her "friend".

Maybe she also lied about her "abusive partner". Maybe the bad person in this story is her.

Wouldn't surprise me...

Yes she lied to her family. I made some fucked up mistakes too like showing up to her house after she blocked me with genuine intentions to have a civil conversation and mend the friendship. I should never have gone there, that's what got the family involved when she told them I am harassing her.

That's very difficult to do once you've crossed the barrier with nudes/phone sex, etc. If you both cannot get on the same page, and she still sends mixed signals, it won't be possible. It will just be awkward. I'd say the only chance is if you step away/keep your distance for a while until her life stabilizes.

The core issue for me is the mixed signals. When we reconnected the second time, she said she wanted the friendship back, but at the same time she was telling me her relationship was essentially over and that she was done with her partner.


I asked whether she wanted to vent or actually find a solution, and she said she wanted a solution. Based on that, I was willing to step up in a serious way—offering to help her transition out of her situation and support her and her kids, with the understanding that we would be pursuing a relationship.


Her response was that she needed time to think about it, which I interpreted as not being a clear rejection. That left me in a position where her words and actions didn’t fully align, making it difficult to understand where I actually stood.

Interesting.

Help me understand you, because I definitely would not feel the things you're feeling if I were in your shoes.

I have had many longtime friends who behaved in unacceptable ways that I was able to easily cut out of my life. It is objectively the right choice to cut ties with this person, so why do you still want to reconnect?

The reason I am able to easily cut ties with shitty people is because of abundance. Do you have scarcity when it comes to friendship, sex, affection, etc.?


This is the earliest part of your post that made me raise an eyebrow. Why get upset? Are you that attached? What will help you be less attached to her and in general?

When strong feelings like attraction are involved, there's sometimes no telling what women will decide to do, especially considering the variety of attachment styles people can have. If someone tries to create some distance from me because she feels overwhelmed by anything, I understand that that's something that can happen, and there's no reason for me to get upset. It also doesn't take anything from me because I'm still getting love, sex, and affection from other sources. Yeah, I'll be kinda sad and disappointed if someone I really liked or even loved wanted to leave me in any capacity, but everything will turn out fine eventually even if we end up never seeing each other again. There's too much beauty and love out there to stay stuck.

I recognize I don’t currently have an abundance mindset, and a big part of that is due to my lifestyle over the past few years. I’ve been working remotely for about three years, which helped my career grow, but it also reduced my exposure to social environments where I’d naturally meet new people.


As a result, my social circle has shrunk, and I haven’t replaced those connections at the same pace, which has led to a sense of scarcity.


At the same time, I’m managing multiple clients, including one that is particularly demanding and pushing into my personal time. Between workload and where I am in my career, I don’t have much flexibility right now to easily rebuild a social life or meet new people, which contributes to my current situation.

Monk Mode Doesn't Lead to Romantic Success "Later." It Leads to Loneliness

The trend of men going ‘monk mode’ – cutting off socializing to work on money & muscles – is exploding. But monk mode doesn’t lead to romantic success… quite the opposite, in fact. I’ve been watching more and more men over the last decade turn to ‘monk mode’, where they dedicatedly focus on...

www.girlschase.com

As others have made it very clear, this woman is not your 'friend'.

And you are also lying to yourself about wanting to be friends with her - I mean, you were 'friends' for 5 years, she grabs your crotch once, and now you struggle to lose your sexual desire for her? Yeah, you've been holding out hoping for something more for all those 5 years.

I hate to say it but this story is basically the red pill anthem through and through. You should probably call up Rich Cooper, I'm sure he'd make a video on it tomorrow.

This woman has kept you in the back pocket for 5 years while she goes on a fun emotional rollercoaster with her abusive boyfriend, and when things came to a head with him, she came to you to see if her backup plan was still active. When she had satisfied herself of that, she immediately backed out to get you back into the back pocket.

She is not interested in a relationship with you. She's just interested in feeling secure that she has something to fall back on if her boyfriend ever left the picture (though even if that happened, anything between you would not last very long, if at all. She just wants to feel like she could). And in the meantime, you are on the bottom of the abusive food chain: He abuses her, she abuses you, and you just have your time, emotions, and energy consumed with nothing in return.

See her for what she is. She ain't your friend, and she ain't your girlfriend. Time to move on.

We started as coworkers, and even after I became her manager and later moved departments, we stayed in touch and built a strictly platonic friendship. At the time, I intentionally kept it that way—even though I found her attractive—because I don’t get involved with coworkers and wanted a genuine friendship.


Our bond grew significantly over time. She asked me to be the godfather of her child, and I accepted, and we became very close—she even told me I was one of the most important men in her life.


When issues came up with her partner, I consistently encouraged her to work things out with him for the sake of her family, even when that caused tension between us and led to periods where we didn’t speak.


Later, when she came over during problems in her relationship, I still approached things from a place of respect—for her situation, her partner, and my role in her children’s lives. Crossing boundaries wasn’t something I intended.


However, once things became sexual (including phone interactions and blurred boundaries in person), it changed the dynamic for me. I developed stronger feelings, and it became difficult to continue the friendship in the same way.


When she ultimately said she only wanted friendship, I responded by setting boundaries: I asked for space, stepped back from being involved in her relationship issues, and made it clear I couldn’t continue offering the same level of support (like career help or opportunities) because it was leading to overinvestment on my part.


My intentions before were genuine, but once the dynamic changed, I had to adjust to protect my time, energy, and emotional position.

 

[Will_V]

We started as coworkers, and even after I became her manager and later moved departments, we stayed in touch and built a strictly platonic friendship. At the time, I intentionally kept it that way—even though I found her attractive—because I don’t get involved with coworkers and wanted a genuine friendship.


Our bond grew significantly over time. She asked me to be the godfather of her child, and I accepted, and we became very close—she even told me I was one of the most important men in her life.


When issues came up with her partner, I consistently encouraged her to work things out with him for the sake of her family, even when that caused tension between us and led to periods where we didn’t speak.


Later, when she came over during problems in her relationship, I still approached things from a place of respect—for her situation, her partner, and my role in her children’s lives. Crossing boundaries wasn’t something I intended.


However, once things became sexual (including phone interactions and blurred boundaries in person), it changed the dynamic for me. I developed stronger feelings, and it became difficult to continue the friendship in the same way.


When she ultimately said she only wanted friendship, I responded by setting boundaries: I asked for space, stepped back from being involved in her relationship issues, and made it clear I couldn’t continue offering the same level of support (like career help or opportunities) because it was leading to overinvestment on my part.


My intentions before were genuine, but once the dynamic changed, I had to adjust to protect my time, energy, and emotional position.

You're hiding your feelings behind rationalizations.

To begin with, something isn't making sense here:

I also told her if she decides we are just friends I can no longer:

- Help her with finding jobs or giving her jobs (which I did before)
- Can no longer be the one to help her learn money making skills
- I do not want her to share anything more about her sexual history with her abusive partner (she told me she was leaving him and when I said she could come live with me she declined so I told her if he hurts her again, she needs to go to the police, don't tell me, and especially stop sharing the last time they had sex with me...because it's hurting my feelings and giving mixed signals)

So if I'm reading this correctly, you would only do these things for a woman who's more than friends? And you were doing them with her, even though you never had a sexual relationship with her? It seems to me that you were investing while hoping for a sexual relationship in the future.

There's a second issue here which is that you are looking at this as a sort of negotiation, where you provide services in exchange for sex/relationship. Since you retracted these services immediately on her refusing to go any further. So you are essentially in the confusing position of negotiating a sexual relationship with a friend.

This is classic nice guy behavior which turns women off. Nice guys tend to front load investment of time, energy, money, etc without asking for anything in return (often deluding themselves that they don't want anything in return) but then when a sexual opportunity pops up and is refused, it is very hard to take, since all that investment was basically lost.

Any time you find yourself in a position of telling a girl "it's ok if we're friends but I can't do XYZ anymore" you have messed up. Since either you were doing those things out of genuine care for her (in which case they wouldn't be affected by her choice) or you were using them as sexual leverage (which isn't a great way to go about things).

Read everything you can on nice guys and how not to be one, such as this article: https://www.girlschase.com/content/why-nice-guys-finish-last

Robert Glover's 'No more mr nice guy' book is also good.

 

[PeacockMan]

You're hiding your feelings behind rationalizations.

To begin with, something isn't making sense here:



So if I'm reading this correctly, you would only do these things for a woman who's more than friends? And you were doing them with her, even though you never had a sexual relationship with her? It seems to me that you were investing while hoping for a sexual relationship in the future.

There's a second issue here which is that you are looking at this as a sort of negotiation, where you provide services in exchange for sex/relationship. Since you retracted these services immediately on her refusing to go any further. So you are essentially in the confusing position of negotiating a sexual relationship with a friend.

This is classic nice guy behavior which turns women off. Nice guys tend to front load investment of time, energy, money, etc without asking for anything in return (often deluding themselves that they don't want anything in return) but then when a sexual opportunity pops up and is refused, it is very hard to take, since all that investment was basically lost.

Any time you find yourself in a position of telling a girl "it's ok if we're friends but I can't do XYZ anymore" you have messed up. Since either you were doing those things out of genuine care for her (in which case they wouldn't be affected by her choice) or you were using them as sexual leverage (which isn't a great way to go about things).

Read everything you can on nice guys and how not to be one, such as this article: https://www.girlschase.com/content/why-nice-guys-finish-last

Robert Glover's 'No more mr nice guy' book is also good.

1. Initial Context (Coworker → Friendship)​

This started as a standard coworker relationship that continued after I moved roles. At that stage, I intentionally kept things strictly platonic. Even when I later found her attractive, I did not act on it or pursue anything, because my intention was a normal friendship and I do not get involved with coworkers romantically.

2. Friendship Development​

Over time, the friendship became significantly closer and more emotionally open on both sides. We were in frequent contact and shared a high level of trust. At one point, she asked me to be the godfather of her child, which naturally deepened the bond and made the relationship feel more significant than a typical friendship.


There were also periods where I encouraged her to work on her relationship with her partner, especially given that she has children, which sometimes created tension between us.

3. First Major Shift (Sexual Boundaries Crossed)​

The first real shift for me came when sexual boundaries were crossed. That changed how I internally processed the relationship. It wasn’t planned or something I was seeking, but it made it harder for me to maintain a purely platonic frame afterward because the dynamic was no longer purely friendship in practice.

4. External Relationship Reality (Her Partner Situation)​

Another major factor was her relationship with her partner, particularly the level of control she described, including not being allowed to go out with her sister or female friend. He pulled a knife at her simply because she went out on her birthday with her sister and female friend. Whether she chose me as a friend or lover, he would always come in the way is what I realized.


Combined with the fact that most of our interaction was long-distance (calls, texts, etc.), I realized that the kind of consistent, in-person, real-world friendship I actually need in my life was unlikely to be something this situation could provide. And I was not convinced she is going to leave her partner as she says she will. I would have to see it to believe it. I'm willing to bet based on her education, skills and currently life trajectory, there is a 95% possibility 5 more years will pass and she is STILL living in this toxic situation. Her partner does not allow even female friends to visit the house.

5. Realization and Reassessment​

Because of those two factors together, sexual boundaries being crossed and the limitations in her personal life, I started to realize that continuing as is would lead to me being emotionally overinvested in something that was not developing into the type of friendship structure I need or want long-term. Whether I helped her as a friend/lover, the reality is her controlling partner would restrict her movement. Even when she goes grocery shopping he demands to know EVERYTHING.

6. Boundary Setting (Purpose and Intent)​

When I set boundaries, it was not an attempt to negotiate a relationship or use support as leverage. It was a response to that realization.


I needed to step back and reduce involvement in order to reset expectations and protect my own emotional balance.

7. Final Clarification​

I understand others may interpret the situation differently, and I’m not trying to convince anyone otherwise. This is simply my perspective on how the dynamic developed and why I made the decisions I did.

 

[AsianBabe69]

Based on that, I was willing to step up in a serious way—offering to help her transition out of her situation and support her and her kids, with the understanding that we would be pursuing a relationship.

That's very selfless and kind of you to help her. I understand you feel obligated as the godfather and you have much empathy for her situation but think about what's best for the both of you long term. Are her and the kids so amazing that you can't give up on them? Are you willing to deal with all the consequences and messiness that follows even if it ends up sabotaging your character, or mental health?

Since she painted you as the monster, she paints herself as the victim - it kind of reminds me of people with BPD. PeacockMan, do you think she may repeat this behavior with you one day?

I needed to step back and reduce involvement in order to reset expectations and protect my own emotional balance.

Yes this is so important!

 

[gameboy]

He pulled a knife at her

You know that from... her, right?

The same woman who lied to her family that you had kicked her door in?

 

[PeacockMan]

That's very selfless and kind of you to help her. I understand you feel obligated as the godfather and you have much empathy for her situation but think about what's best for the both of you long term. Are her and the kids so amazing that you can't give up on them? Are you willing to deal with all the consequences and messiness that follows even if it ends up sabotaging your character, or mental health?

Since she painted you as the monster, she paints herself as the victim - it kind of reminds me of people with BPD. PeacockMan, do you think she may repeat this behavior with you one day?


Yes this is so important!

I appreciate you saying this. Before anything sexual happened, yes the friendship was amazing. Even my best friend of 17 years has not come close to the friendship with this young lady in the past 5 years, we used to get along so well and care for each other so much. Every Christmas and birthday I'd ensure I tried to spend time with them face to face, a shared fun experience and/or gift.

For all the times I'm missing from the forums and had something to vent about she was the ONLY person I could call on no matter the time of day and vent and vice versa.

I would see her kids on my social media feed on a daily basis and I just came to love them like my own.

You know that from... her, right?

The same woman who lied to her family that you had kicked her door in?

Yes one night we had a phone conversation and she said

"PeacockMan, I had a horrible birthday. I got dressed and went out with my sister and a female friend for a small girls’ night to celebrate. You know I’m usually at home with the kids, and I felt I deserved a break since I hadn’t really been out in over a year due to my partner and the situation at home.

When I got back around 1am, there was a serious confrontation at the house involving my partner (he pulled a knife). The situation escalated to the point where I felt unsafe, so I locked myself in a room and contacted the police. My son was present during the incident and became very distressed, asking why I was calling the police on his father.

The police arrived and intervened, and afterward made it clear that the situation needed to be de-escalated and that further incidents could not happen in the home.

Following that night, there were discussions involving both families over what happened, and the situation became very tense and emotionally draining. My partner was extremely hostile during those conversations and said a number of hurtful things that I don’t want to repeat here.

Since then, the situation has remained emotionally difficult and has had a lasting impact on me."