A repeating story - advice needed

Thagigo

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Jan 17, 2020
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Hi,
So, to get the best advice, I thought that I must include all details. Bear with me the long post.
The "story" is a 2-part story... let me add that I didn't start reading articles on GC or on here before after part 1...

Part 1
My story begins a couple of months ago, where I ended up at this girl's place after a night out. The girl ended a long relationship last summer and specifically said that she isn't looking for a BF at this moment.
I know this girl through a friend of mine, and even though we have seen each other a lot of times, we haven't really spoken. That night though, we spoke, and I thought she was really cute. I followed her home when the night ended, hugged her goodbye and jumped on my bike to ride home. I regretted not to invite myself up, so I texted her if I could crash on her couch. 5 min later I was in her apartment. 10 min after, we kissed. 15 min after the first kiss, we ended in her bed......... and we fell asleep. It was like 7am in the morning and to be fair, I was pretty wasted... apparently she was too.

What happened the next 6 days:
- we texted a lot
- Met for coffee for a couple of hours

The weekend approached - we both had seperate plans going out, but we had a couple of hours to spare, so I drove by her place, talked, kissed and had a couple of drinks before leaving. We texted a little during the night and eventually we met and I took her back to her place. I bedded her this time.

What happened the next 8 days:
- we still texted a lot but with dimishing interest

Another weekend approached - a date at her place was already arranged the upcoming Monday. I was going out both Friday and Saturday. The texting was limited, but with me suggesting to meet up both days.
Friday, she stopped responding at some point during the night and answered the day after that she was already back home and in her bed by the time I wrote to her. Saturday she was home, and didn't respond to my text I wrote to her in the evening before Sunday.
Sunday she apologized for not responding to me and said that she doesn't think we should be more than friends. I accepted and asked if we still had plans Monday - she said yes.
Monday she texted me saying she was sick, so I kinda ruled her out and didn't expect to hear from her again.
Tuesday she texted me saying she was feeling better and that we could cook at her place. I went there, and we had a great afternoon - deep talks, kissing, no sex.

What happened the next 14 days:
- I texted her asking if she would like to continue where we left on Tuesday - she said yes but answered that she was confused.
- Texted some
- Met for coffee
- Met for breakfast (1. Sunday)
- Arranged a proper date Tuesday

2. Sunday she wrote to me saying that she wants to be honest this time and didn't think we should see each other anymore unless it is as friends. I responded back saying that I don't think we should be friends and that I wanted to prioritize my dating life, but that we could grab a drink if we happen to stumble upon each other someday.

Part 2
Almost a month has past and I didn't really think much about this girl, but I knew that there was a big chance of meeting her during New Year, since my friend live in the same building as her and I was celebrating New Year's Eve at his place.
New Year's Eve came and as expected, I met her. We talked a little and I later texted her that her and her friend's could join the party at my friend's place if they felt like. They joined eventually but I didn't talk to her at all.

2. Friday after New Year I was out with a friend, and guess who I randomly met? Yep, the girl. We flirted, she left and later wrote to me that they were going to this nightclub - the same one I planned on going to. I went there, we flirted a bit more, kissed a lot and left the nightclub together with her friend. Before parting with her friend, she specifically told her that she shouldn't take me home. She took me home but we ended falling asleep. We were quite drunk. I left her appartment the next day.

Later the same day, I wrote to her, that there are clearly something between us, and that we should re-connect, but not as friends. She replied with a long message:
- Her friend doesn't want her to take me home because her friend thinks it isn't fair to me
- She is currently confused and doesn't really know what to do, and I am making her even more confused
- She got dumped by another guy she was seeing on that same day. Not the day I took her home.
- She hopes to meet me again on another night out

We have been texting back and forth and I feel that her interest has increased, but it differs from day to day. My texting has changed though, and I only text to build rapport or set up meetings. I also focused a lot on my fundamentals.

What has happened the past 10 days
- I took her for a swim in the cold water to clear her head and afterwards spent some hours at her place talking and kissing
- I went to her place last Friday. We talked, kissed and fucked for 3 hours before falling asleep.
- Planning on meeting either Saturday or Sunday

Everything looks as if it is going in the right direction, but I am missing one vital point here. The girl is still not sure what she wants, and I directly asked her what box she has put me in: the relationship kinda guy or the casual one. Her answer is the relationship kinda guy. I, however, feel more like I want to connect and see where things are going, not having any expectations until I get the right feeling.

FYI, she went to a couple of job interviews last week and is expecting calls today if she passed to the 2nd interview or not.

Yesterday I texted her, just to reassure if we still have plans next weekend. She said yes, but that she still needs to feel herself what feels right and what doesn't. Confident as I am, I replied to her saying that she can't neglect that we are good together and the most important thing for me is that she can be herself around me which she hasn't been able to be around i.e. the other guy she was seeing and that dumped her for that reason. I also asked if she had a great Sunday.
She responded that she is herself when she is hanging out with me, but she still needs to assess if it is the right thing. Her Sunday was quite good and she tossed me the same question.

My response 11 hours later:
Always something she is herself. She will eventually feel the feeling is right with the amount of time she spends feeling herself. And I hope she got positive feedback from her 2 job interviews.

Her response 4 min later:
She responded that both called back inviting her to the 2. interview, so it is going to be a busy week with preparation and full focus.

My response 10 min later:
Perfect Monday, and I am keeping my fingere crossed. Asking if both interviews are this week

Her response 1 min later:
both interviews are scheduled this week and that I should keep it crossed.

My response 45min later:
that it was fucking excited, and had we had time, I would have thrown her in the cold water once again. She should focus on the interviews, but I believe she would nail both of them.

That was the last message.. I Don’t expect any reply on it..

Honestly, I really like this girl and I haven't felt this way in a long time. At this stage I am not sure if I personally can do anything else but to wait to the weekend and see if she is still up for meeting. But I will probably have the same feeling as I have now after (if) we meet the next time, until she gets the right feeling.

Do you guys out there have any advice? Should I hold back with texting?
I appreciate every input.

/ Thagigo
 
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BigPapa

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Jan 12, 2020
Messages
601
Well , you should look at the pattern amigo :)

you have sex , then she starts being hot and cold . Most likely this is because she was seeing another guy . Maybe her ex , who knows .

she tells you that she is not ready for a relationship , but she disappears for a while and when you reconnect you find out some other guy dumped her . Most likely they had sex and she wanted a relationship with him, otherwise she would not have been butt hurt about it .

my personal opinion is that you were too warm towards her , while she was meh if you are boyfriend material or not . Since she is not sure about you , she wants to test the waters more , maybe even having sex with other guys in the meantime :)

what is good though , is that for sure she is out of your league based on your story and want to high five you for that !

the only thing that you can do about it is to Be colder and focus on Having sex with her every time you see her . Basically going towards a friends with benefits type of relationship , then if she starts being warm towards you and you still want to have a normal relationship with her go for it .

In the meantime you know the drill , talk with other girls , try to bed them if you feel like bedding them , just do not wait and expect that everything will be alright with this girl . It might or it might not :)
 
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Thagigo

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Well , you should look at the pattern amigo :)

you have sex , then she starts being hot and cold . Most likely this is because she was seeing another guy . Maybe her ex , who knows .

she tells you that she is not ready for a relationship , but she disappears for a while and when you reconnect you find out some other guy dumped her . Most likely they had sex and she wanted a relationship with him, otherwise she would not have been butt hurt about it .

my personal opinion is that you were too warm towards her , while she was meh if you are boyfriend material or not . Since she is not sure about you , she wants to test the waters more , maybe even having sex with other guys in the meantime :)

what is good though , is that for sure she is out of your league based on your story and want to high five you for that !

the only thing that you can do about it is to Be colder and focus on Having sex with her every time you see her . Basically going towards a friends with benefits type of relationship , then if she starts being warm towards you and you still want to have a normal relationship with her go for it .

In the meantime you know the drill , talk with other girls , try to bed them if you feel like bedding them , just do not wait and expect that everything will be alright with this girl . It might or it might not :)

some interesting observations BigPapa.. I appreciate it
let me just add that she has like never ever been single before, and I really don’t blame her for wanting to look around...
My objective is not locked on having a relationship with her because tbf, I don’t know her that well yet. I do want to go the FWB route for a starter, but how the hell am I going to convince her to take me out of the I want a GF box without destroying the connection?
 

BigPapa

Space Monkey
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Messages
601
Well you start reframing the whole dynamic .

you got yourself on your own in the potential boyfriend box by acting like a boyfriend :just sleeping with her , kissing Her without escalating to sex , talking about intimate stuff , etc

to reframe this to a fwb relationship you now need to act like you are in a fwb relationships with her , which means basically getting in touch with her on a weekly basis for the sole purpose of sex , no talking about intimate stuff , no cuddling before sex, no going out, no sleeping togheter , none of what you did till now . Just keep things purely sexual .
if the sex was good , you should be able to reframe it to a fwb relationship with no big problems .

As a starter , you should reframe the next meeting from going out , to just meeting at your place or her place . Something like , yeah , let”s have a drink at my or your place as I have this great bottle of wine ( you will make up a good story that sounds good ) and let”s hsve a glass first from it before we go out . I already made the reservation and everything is perfect ( this is how you deny your true intention , that you just want to have sex and then leave ) . Then when you arrive , you do some small talk , drink some wine and jump to doing business , then you stay a little bit to cuddle after sex and tell her that you have to go and leave . Something along this lines :)
 

BigPapa

Space Monkey
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when you have time , read zorba the Greek , it will give you a clearer understanding on how the female mind works :)
 

Thagigo

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Well you start reframing the whole dynamic .

you got yourself on your own in the potential boyfriend box by acting like a boyfriend :just sleeping with her , kissing Her without escalating to sex , talking about intimate stuff , etc

to reframe this to a fwb relationship you now need to act like you are in a fwb relationships with her , which means basically getting in touch with her on a weekly basis for the sole purpose of sex , no talking about intimate stuff , no cuddling before sex, no going out, no sleeping togheter , none of what you did till now . Just keep things purely sexual .
if the sex was good , you should be able to reframe it to a fwb relationship with no big problems .

As a starter , you should reframe the next meeting from going out , to just meeting at your place or her place . Something like , yeah , let”s have a drink at my or your place as I have this great bottle of wine ( you will make up a good story that sounds good ) and let”s hsve a glass first from it before we go out . I already made the reservation and everything is perfect ( this is how you deny your true intention , that you just want to have sex and then leave ) . Then when you arrive , you do some small talk , drink some wine and jump to doing business , then you stay a little bit to cuddle after sex and tell her that you have to go and leave . Something along this lines :)

I like this! Let’s see if I even get a chance to reframe. :p
 

BigPapa

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 12, 2020
Messages
601
fingers crossed ! Come back here when you have news :)
 
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