- Joined
- Apr 13, 2026
- Messages
- 83
What is it like being the woman on the other side? Am I the day gamer or are we both gaming each other? How quickly do we show interest in each other and how does it develop over time? What are the implications and consequences of every moment and action taken?
I hope my perspective and observations are helpful to readers.
Disclaimer:
I've intentionally omitted certain details to not give away who these individuals are. Even if you have an inkling about who they are, please don't mention anything out of respect for their privacy.
People:
The Approach:
Day 1-
It was a beautiful afternoon in Boston. I had been walking for several hours, and spotted some folks in costume and posed for a photo smiling with them. I'm a petite Asian-American woman, long dark hair, midi dress with a unique pattern and some sneakers for walkability. I received compliments on the dress throughout the day. I think I am average looking but confident and cute. As the warm breeze moves my dress, I scan for an empty bench. That's when I see him from about 150ft away looking at me inquisitively. We made eye contact briefly, and then I looked away but it was enough to remember his face for the next 15 minutes. I walked around for a bit longer until a bench freed up.
I sat down while playing a mobile game. The same man from earlier soon sits down on the bench right next to me playing the same game and I recognize him. Everyone is pretty much glued to their phones, playing the game too but mostly keeping to themselves. I open the group around us and ask for help with an in-game event. He immediately perks up and introduces himself (We’ll call him D20 because I like RNG and board games), firmly shaking my hand with an enthusiastic smile on his face. He's wearing a t-shirt, shorts and sneakers. His vibe is easygoing and he doesn't try too hard to impress with his attire. It's appropriate for the weather and event.
When we go to add each other (one person scans, the other shows their friendcode), our wrists lightly touch and we laugh in sync because we both tried to show our codes. He reads my IGN.
(I'm already thinking...this guy must like Asians. White guys who ask for my ethnicity right off the bat typically do. But him asking was situationally relevant I guess.)
He talks about how he really enjoyed visiting Vietnam.
The tones are off but I found his effort endearing.
He asks if I do art fulltime and I tell him I'm a fulltime engineer and do art as a side hustle and hobby. I show him my art and he seems quite impressed. We fluff on some topics - how I got into digital art during the early 2000s on forums, about our jobs, etc. He asks about an event trinket and I tilt my hat downward to display it. Our faces were leaned in a little too close for strangers. As I tilted my hat back up we both locked eyes for 3 seconds with a microexpression of a smile on our lips. I noticed his pupils were dilating, and there was a spark..
I thought to myself “Fuck. Here we go again.” I know it’s chemical reactions and oxytocin in my brain. My attraction to him goes up and an ember forms inside me. The way he carries himself with a graceful dominance is alluring. He also seems intelligent, carefree and confident. Is he just being friendly? Is he like this with everyone? His motive is slightly ambiguous but my gut knows he’s attracted too. But there was a degree of uncertainty which created attraction too. We continued chatting.
I expected D20 to get up and leave at this point but he didn't and he continued chatting with me for the next 15-20 minutes before my SO walked up to us.
I introduced him to my SO and they chatted briefly about the event and hiking. My SO laughs apathetically and says something to D20 dismissing one of his past injuries - feels like he’s AMOG-ing him. I cross my legs in the opposite direction pointing them towards my SO and also to signal to D20 that this situation is getting a bit awkward and he should probably take off. He does so and tells me it was great meeting me and I tell him the same.
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The Follow-Up:
He left a positive impression on me, and I couldn’t help but keep thinking of him though I tried to downplay it as a fleeting crush. A few days later, I messaged him in game to tell him it was great meeting him and let him know we'll be in town again for another event and that I'm bringing “my cute and single asian friend” ZB. I'm trying to suppress my attraction for him. I don't trust him yet. I hardly know him but I'm curious about him and his true intentions. But I'm taken and so I hope he just goes for someone else so I can get over this crush. If he gets along with my friend and SO, that’s good social proof too. Maybe we could actually be good friends..or maybe not.
I'm overly conscious of how my messages come across, the perfectionist in me edits them after sending and he points out how I kind of put myself down twice - once for apologizing for not being energetic enough and second, I said hopefully he doesn't find me annoying or weird. He told me to not be so hard on myself and said "you're super smart, very creative, and seem like a nice person. I reckon most people would find you interesting and cool.” I thank him and point out he's not only smart but also seems emotionally intelligent and kind. I tell him I tend to overapologize when I'm getting to know someone and that once I feel more safe or comfortable, I overapologize less. I think it's also a habit for me to lower my value in front of new friends or guys so they don't get intimidated. (A guy I once had a huge crush on, years later said he crushed on me but never made a move because he thought I was out of his league. I thought he was out of my league too. So when both people think the other is unattainable and doesn't make a move, yeah nothing happens. By the time he told me it was too late.) I'm not sure why some people find me intimidating. So I approach first sometimes if they seem chill. They tell me once they talk to me, I have a calm presence and good vibes but that I do tend to make intense eye contact like I'm looking into their soul when I’m just trying to assess whether they’re being sincere or not.
Building Rapport:
Day 2-
We arrived in Boston with my friend ZB, who was wearing a racing jacket and jeans. I'm wearing a fitted shirt and flared yoga pants after working out. D20 is wearing designer jeans and a nice leather jacket. I greet him with a light hug and try to pass ZB onto D20 - he’s being chill but he doesn't seem that interested in her, I can tell he's just being polite. He keeps engaging me with personal questions and we talk about travels abroad and Asian culture. He's very cheerful and enthusiastic. I feel really good when he smiles at me and I start to feel more comfortable around him. But I wonder why he won't go for my friend who is actually single and lives close? Is she not cute or cool enough for him?
I try to invite him to get dinner with our group but he says he's going to head off and we say goodbye for now. I thought he was going to build more rapport with ZB and my SO, guess not. Was this strategic? He doesn't look back as he walks off nonchalantly. He remains mysterious and alluring in my mind.
I later talk to ZB and she tells me he's not her type. Pfff, I tell her we have quite different tastes in men. She says her type is comparable to Cloud from FF7 (young, blonde, stoic, naive), and my type is Sephiroth and Squall (mature, dark, mysterious, intelligent, rebellious). I guess byronic males are my weakness.. Shit, is this one of my red flags? Oh well.
He later messages me saying it was great to see me again. He doesn't say "it was great to see you guys" so I thought "hmm is he just targeting me?" I ask him for his thoughts on ZB and he comments that she's cool and she downplayed her job. He doesn't say anything else about her.
I try to ask him for another messaging app to chat on, because I've got more questions about his time in Asia. He says he spends most of his time behind a screen and says he’s "more of an “in person” person, not a big chatter but drop a line when you're back in town."
I ask him if he’s free for coffee/tea next time I’m in town. He agrees and says he's looking forward to it and asks if I'm staying with friends in the area. I tell him no, just me and that if he's uncomfortable he can bring a friend...yeah I don't think he's bringing a friend. I think it's on. He knows this. I know this. We don't seem attached to the outcome but know something will likely go down.
We switch to another messaging app and exchange some friendly voice messages back and forth but the tone feels more flirty. I show him some cute outfits I wore at an event, he compliments my sense of fashion and says he can't tell if I'm an introvert or extrovert. I joked "What if I'm not an introvert nor extrovert? What if I'm just a pervert.." and later mention I was slightly embarrassed showing him my art because it’s kind of sensual. He replied and laughed at my pervert joke and then his voice switched to a deeper tone when talking about his MBTI type and how there’s a certain quality to my art, but “sensual” isn’t the right word for it and he wants to know what the genesis of an artist is. We keep repeating how we're looking forward to hanging out again with extra enthusiasm. Tension is building.
The Lay:
Day 3 through 5-
I arrive in town and go to meet up with D20 after remote work. I hug him lightly but a bit tighter than last time and we walk over to a restaurant for tea and food. He scares me a bit with his jay walking and it makes my heart race. He walks steadily at a fast pace and I’m trying to keep up with my shorter limbs.
The restaurant is quite busy so they seat us at the bar. It is dimly lit and the atmosphere is lively but chill. We’re sitting almost shoulder to shoulder, perfect for kino - elbows and shoulders touching here and there. We leaned in close to listen to each other. We talked about siblings, videogames, military families, the women he dated in Asia, how I met my SO, how long we've been together, whether I'm satisfied with my relationship, and where I might want to live one day. I ask him "how is someone like you single? Is it by choice?" He laughs and just says he's flattered, leaving some mystery in the air. I legitimately want to know but don’t prod him. Attraction feels like it's building by the minute but I'm still a bit guarded. I pay the bill and then he walks me back to my place. Afterall, it is dark and unsafe to walk the streets alone as a woman..
As we head back, he asks me "What is it like being complex? Not saying that in a bad way." I'm thinking about how it's kind of a probing question and ask for more specifics. Might be related to when I told him my MBTI, which is similar to his but complementary in a way. I tell him it depends on the situation and who I’m around. I’m usually calm on the outside, but my inner world can get complicated. I’m a bit of a walking contradiction with many layers.
I kino him with my shoulders and I talk a bit about my recent adventures in San Diego including being dragged by my extroverted friends into the VIP section of a strip club and then going to a peaceful zen garden the morning after. He tells me he thinks I'm dangerous, I just smile and laugh. I think he's projecting because earlier he gave me signs that he likely had a dangerous or promiscuous past.
Before I head inside my place, I ask him if he wants to chat some more. He agrees and I say "Yeah I think we have a lot to discuss.." in a somewhat suggestive tone.
We go sit on opposite ends of the couch but our bodies are facing each other. He sits with his back leaning against the couch shoulder, his legs are straight and his left arm is extended, resting on the back of the couch. My back is leaning against the other end, with one knee retracted inwards, and the other leg is straight. I take out my sketch pad and start drawing him while I ask him what his most crazy experience was in Asia. Then we fluff about our body counts, dominant/submissive dynamics, how I kissed girls a few times, 3somes (I've never had one yet - still a fantasy of mine) what age we each lost our virginity, etc. He has me try to guess his body count a few times till he shrugs and then I say "ah you've lost count.." Well experience is good, as long as he’s clean and good in bed, that’s what matters right?
I don't really buy his answer, the way he said “friendly” was off and I’m pretty good at telling when someone is lying. But I don't call him out on it.
He asked me if I slept with anyone while with my SO, I said maybe, he said "I'll take that as a yes." I told him the guy was a virgin so there was only foreplay and no intercourse, and that he was saving himself for someone who isn’t taken and likely more conservative. He asks me what the guy's name was..I tell him it's the same name as his. (Not kidding they both have the same name!) He says "Man I like this guy already! haha" I told him that the guy was visiting Vietnam as we spoke. Then I ask him if he's been with taken or married women before and he says yes. I asked him the last time he was with a woman, and he said a few months ago.
Eventually he asks if I've been mentally checked out of my relationship and I tell him it's been like that for a while. He goes to the bathroom, I ponder for a bit - contemplating what might happen next. When he comes out he immediately picks me up off the couch and carries me to the bedroom. Our sides both land onto the bed and we look deeply into each other's eyes. This caught me off guard. I'm a bit nervous. He basically caught me before I could change my mind, so it was the perfect escalation window for him.
The way he looks at me puts me into a trance. I'm very attracted to him and my heart rate goes up. We start off slow and passionate. I think I tried to go in for a kiss first but he tells me to just brush our lips softly first. We do so until we're fully making out. We hold hands and it feels like two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together. I run my hands through his hair and his hands explore the curves of my body. He comments on how round and firm my ass is and how my tits are a good handful. I ask if he's a T or A man and he says "actually it's that great smile of yours.." as he looks at my lips and teeth. I feel flattered and tell him I had braces so he can thank my parents for that. He helps a bit with taking off my clothes and his clothes come off until we’re both just in our underwear embracing each other. He says he's not that into foreplay for some reason and prefers just intercourse for mutual pleasure. I tell him I'd be happy to please my partner during foreplay and that it doesn't bother me because I find the act pleasing in itself. D20 says "Okay but let me show you midplay..", he pulls off my panties and he slides himself inside me and tells me I'm tight. I'm soaking wet as we do it in missionary style, moaning in his ear and holding his hair so it doesn’t fall on my face. Then we go into a doggy position and then spoon. He cums inside me and we cuddle each other and share kisses for a while before going into the shower. I touch and hug him as the water runs down our bodies and he smacks my booty cheeks repeatedly till it makes a certain acoustic sound..
He asks if he's staying over and I tell him yes and that it'd be lovely if we hung out some more the next day. We cuddle before falling asleep, and then fuck again in the morning. He cums inside me again. I trace the edges of my finger tips around his neck and collarbone. He tells me my pussy is dangerous and unregulated. I smile because I know it can be addicting - past lovers have proposed and obsessed over it. He asks when I’ll be in town alone again but I tell him likely not for a while and I can’t promise anything.
We later head to a cafe for him to do some work. While in line, he asked if I’ve played the game Among Us and I said “yes I have, it’s a fun game..” Then he doesn’t go on about the topic. I know why he’s asking - he wants to know if I’m any good at manipulating others or am easily manipulated. The truth is yes I’m very good and often won most rounds while being the imposter without anyone suspecting a thing. And I often isolated and deduced who was the correct imposter in the other rounds. But I really hate lying and prefer to be authentic as much as possible while not being an a-hole. I find that gentle honesty and sincere empathy is the way to go. But I don’t disclose this info because he didn’t prod me further. He’s likely assuming it anyway for better or worse.
I pay for our meal, and he says “thanks babe!”. I thought, isn’t it too early to call me babe? Guess he does this because we’ve shared physical intimacy, kind of gives off player vibes - which I’m not used to. I’m used to long term partners (of 3-7 years) calling me babe but have had some flings in between. I sit beside him listening to my audiobook and draw in my sketchbook. He comments on how the guy next to us is trying to game up a girl nearby but the guy is talking too much and not letting her intervene. I notice that she still seems engaged and is just intently listening to the guy. I think about how I could probably listen to D20 talk for hours because his voice is so pleasant, and familiar. But the way he spectates and critiques the man’s approach makes me think “Well he’s got quite a bit of experience teaching others doesn’t he?”
We talk about kinks and bondage for a bit and I have him take a BDSM quiz out of curiosity. His result had 88% dominant and 80% monogamous. I was surprised he got mostly monogamous because he's had 3somes, past experience of laying multiple girls within the same week, etcetera that would indicate some polyamorous traits. Maybe he meant one-sided monogamy? Who knows. When we’re done eating, I return our dirty dishes, wipe off our table, and throw away the trash like a good girl.
After he's done working, we head back to my place. He asks if we want to watch anime and I slip out that my SO probably watches more anime than me and I thought about what to watch. He then puts on a gangster movie his friend recommended. It's heavy and violent, the opposite of romantic or lighthearted but I push through it. I let him pick the movie after all and don't want to complain. My back is leaned against his during the movie and I caress his arms, then touch his wrists and hands delicately.
We order and eat dinner, and then afterwards talk about how rough it is for kids in poverty in foreign countries - a theme in the movie we watched. I mentioned that one of my Japanese friends used to live in poverty but she's a successful game dev now and that we sometimes trade nudes. We go to the bedroom, I straddle his lap, and we start kissing. I tell him to let me blow him. I start sucking him while he’s laying down and then he stops me, brings my face up to kiss him, and then turns my body around and thrusts himself inside me. This time, his hand is lightly choking my neck and it really turns me on. Then we make out some more while he's spoon fucking me until he cums inside and we cuddle for a while. He talks about how good I smell, he smells really good too and we talk about how our genes are really compatible. I talk about how monogamous marriage isn’t really my thing but I’d be open to having a kid or two one day. He tells me his goal is to have at least one ambitious child. We talked about the beautifully intelligent, ambitious and creative kids we'd probably have together. I am hesitant about ever bringing children into this world because of the state it’s in, but he thinks I would make a great mother. He leans into a fantasy of knocking me up while on birth control even though the chances are less than 1%. He told me to hit him up when I get my IUD removed. I can’t tell if he’s actually serious or just being manic.
I also wouldn't be able to live the rest of my life keeping that huge secret. Did he ask me those questions to screen my character?
____________________________________________________________________________
The next morning I get ready to check out of my place. While he showers, I wash the dishes and clean up the counter. He comes out of the shower and notices me cleaning and hugs me, and is pleased that I’m cleaning. He twists his bath towel, I take the cue and bend over, pulling down my pants so he can whip my ass playfully with it. I wore a cropped t-shirt over a sports bra and long black trousers.
He told me “You look like an Asian teen!” It sounds like a backhanded compliment or neg since I’m a full grown woman in her 30s but I am short and my breasts don't look as big in a sports bra. I could’ve had a comeback for him but instead I remain composed, smile and respond with “Just dressing comfortably, since I’m going to be in transit for 5-6 hours..” I’m confident enough about my looks, so it doesn’t really faze me.
We hop on the train. While on the train he says “Are you sure you're X'X height?” “Do you wear heels?” “Not really anymore, my SO hates heels because he knows they’re bad for my feet.” He implies that I seem taller than I am because of the way I carry myself so I’m flattered. He told me “When you said you were going to stay alone in the area and then switched locations to get a private bathroom, I thought “oh it’s ON.” ” I told him the location change was mainly because I didn’t want to share a bathroom with whomever owned the place. I always opt for more privacy no matter the situation and for my own safety. (I also like walking around half naked without worrying about strangers seeing me.)
We arrived at a busy cafe to get breakfast and coffee. While standing in a long line, he tries to reach down my shirt to fondle my breast but I grab his arm to stop him because so many people are around and I'm very self conscious (it was very crowded and well lit.)
I let him reach down into my shirt afterwards and wrap my arms around his arm like I'm smuggling and hiding something. I feel flustered and worry if anyone sees us.
He later asks me if I’d be able to work remotely while overseas and I tell him yes as long as my manager approves. He tells me about how affordable it would be for me to live in Vietnam. I tell him it'd be difficult to bring my SO to get licensed and find another job because he can't be remote. I kind of wonder why he's asking. He seems to travel quite a bit, is he trying to simulate if I would fit into his lifestyle? I also mention how it's easier to get dual citizenship if you know a relative there and briefly mention I have a cute distant cousin there that my mom has been trying to matchmake. Not that I think he's a passport bro. It's probably just my coping mechanism trying to suppress and detach my feelings from him since we’ll be parting soon.
We finished eating and walked towards the train station again. By the way, he has been helping carry some of my luggage. He knows it’s a little heavy for me and he moves faster than me while carrying it. I kind of feel bad and think of him metaphorically carrying my emotional baggage/burden. I don’t want nor expect him to carry any of my burdens. They after all, should be mine alone to carry right?
We arrive at the elevator above the train stop.
He kisses me goodbye inside the elevator before he walks off and doesn't look back. I don’t think I’ll ever forget this one..
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Post-Lay:
He texts safe travels after I told him I made it to my bus stop. I text him, flashing him a titty pic later when no one is around and covering the aisle with my jacket just in case. He responds strangely with a meditation emoji - trying to keep calm? I send him a couple more racy pics when I get home. He tells me the pics are very distracting and he’s glad the pics disappeared after viewing them once.
The following day, I sent him a sweet little voice message and thanked him for a relaxing lowkey weekend and told him I really appreciated our time. He says he did too and that we had lovely chemistry.
I recall he mentioned during one of our walks that he does blogging and poetry in his spare time. My curiosity (for better or worse) looks him up online and reads a few of his blogs. I'm impressed by his writing style and passion and compliment him on it. I share some of my old poetry with him and he says they seem interesting and he’ll read more of them later.
I ask him if he usually mentions pregnancy when hooking up with a woman and he says it's an atypical situation and that at this point in his life, he's not intentionally seeking flings with women who are already in committed relationships but says "things happened as they did" and it was really lovely. He said he knows a lot of people don't lean into edge cases but it's interesting to think about and it's a tertiary effect from our chemistry.
I tell him yeah it is fun to think about and that I'm somehow comfortable with the idea of it. (Even though it's wild) It's probably just my irrational biological clock talking.
I sent him more sexy erotic pictures later. He enjoys them I think but when I later send a message venting a bit about my relationship, wanting more out of life and feeling held back by my SO, how men usually get head over heels for me too early on, and how some of my flings became extensive LTRs, he doesn't respond so positively.
He tells me although he thinks I'm incredibly beautiful, intelligent, creative and a great leader and that there are so many awesome things about me, the weekend itself was magical to him, but the follow up messages and just the most recent message of telling him how my relationship kind of sucks and it being kind of long distance is too messy for him. He said he wants to do right by others, and feels he’d genuinely be doing me wrong to continue this fling into an affair and doesn't feel comfortable continuing at this time. He feels like a barrier to my relationship if he stays involved. He doesn’t want to be in the crosshairs or crossfire of any conflict but also doesn’t want to be in the background even if we do split up, say if I wanted to see him from time to time when I feel lonely.
He said if we had met 7 years ago or 5 years from now maybe things would have turned out differently. He thinks my SO seems decent and stable enough and that I should try to work it out with him saying “I don’t give advice usually but if asked, I’d say give it a genuine honest push for X amount of time and end things as amicably as possible if you do split up”. I feel hurt by this but I understand and tell him I appreciate his honesty.
I tell him he is an amazing guy in a lot of ways and that any woman would be extremely fortunate to have him in their life and I sincerely meant it. We wish each other the best. I said I'd be open to staying platonic friends as we have quite a bit in common. He says thanks for the kind words, he thinks similarly of me but said it's difficult for him to go back to nothing and he doesn't see himself as disciplined enough to hang out without anything going down but he is grateful for the cool times we shared and wishes me the best..I tell him that's completely fair and that I'd be open to being more than friends in the future but only under the right conditions (single and not living far away) if the interest was still mutual. I tell him I was grateful for our time together too and will look back on it as a fond memory.
Reflection:
We know what we did was wrong, but it felt so right in the moment. Although brief, the time we spent was meaningful to me, and honestly I can suffer through anything as long as it has meaning. I believe nothing is a waste of time if you once enjoyed it. For that, I couldn’t expect anything more from him. And if D20 ever reads this report, I’m sorry that the universe couldn’t give us better timing/distance. I’m also sorry that my curiosity led me to finding out about your past. But what’s past is prologue as Shakespeare says. Both of our past behaviors led us to the present - resulting in both upstream and downstream effects, including this very report.
Maybe we both got what we wished for, but also ultimately what the universe thought we deserved. At least we still met and experienced each other’s joy and passion for a time so I don’t regret a single thing. I only regret not trying or doing something when an opportunity arises.
This isn’t a smear campaign. This isn’t a love letter nor a love story. We are neither heroes nor villains nor victims in this report. We are only human.. D20, please know that I see you, I hear you and I would accept your past, present and future self whether or not our paths cross again. Why? Because I’ve accepted what I am too and I read somewhere that it’s not about finding the “right” one. It’s about becoming the right one. This experience was also impactful and taught me a lesson, so I am grateful for every step in the journey.
And for now, I say duyên and hết duyên. For the thread has passed.
Amor Fati.
- AB69
I hope my perspective and observations are helpful to readers.
Disclaimer:
I've intentionally omitted certain details to not give away who these individuals are. Even if you have an inkling about who they are, please don't mention anything out of respect for their privacy.
People:
- AsianBabe69 - early 30s, Asian-American woman
- SO - mid 30s, Caucasian/American man, AB69’s SO of 7 years
- D20 - early 40s, Caucasian/American man
- ZB - late 20s, AB69’s friend, Asian-American woman
- There is a month gap between Day 1, Day 2, and Days 3-5.
- Outdoors - Boston
- Restaurant
- Apartment
- Train
The Approach:
Day 1-
It was a beautiful afternoon in Boston. I had been walking for several hours, and spotted some folks in costume and posed for a photo smiling with them. I'm a petite Asian-American woman, long dark hair, midi dress with a unique pattern and some sneakers for walkability. I received compliments on the dress throughout the day. I think I am average looking but confident and cute. As the warm breeze moves my dress, I scan for an empty bench. That's when I see him from about 150ft away looking at me inquisitively. We made eye contact briefly, and then I looked away but it was enough to remember his face for the next 15 minutes. I walked around for a bit longer until a bench freed up.
I sat down while playing a mobile game. The same man from earlier soon sits down on the bench right next to me playing the same game and I recognize him. Everyone is pretty much glued to their phones, playing the game too but mostly keeping to themselves. I open the group around us and ask for help with an in-game event. He immediately perks up and introduces himself (We’ll call him D20 because I like RNG and board games), firmly shaking my hand with an enthusiastic smile on his face. He's wearing a t-shirt, shorts and sneakers. His vibe is easygoing and he doesn't try too hard to impress with his attire. It's appropriate for the weather and event.
When we go to add each other (one person scans, the other shows their friendcode), our wrists lightly touch and we laugh in sync because we both tried to show our codes. He reads my IGN.
(I'm already thinking...this guy must like Asians. White guys who ask for my ethnicity right off the bat typically do. But him asking was situationally relevant I guess.)
He talks about how he really enjoyed visiting Vietnam.
The tones are off but I found his effort endearing.
He asks if I do art fulltime and I tell him I'm a fulltime engineer and do art as a side hustle and hobby. I show him my art and he seems quite impressed. We fluff on some topics - how I got into digital art during the early 2000s on forums, about our jobs, etc. He asks about an event trinket and I tilt my hat downward to display it. Our faces were leaned in a little too close for strangers. As I tilted my hat back up we both locked eyes for 3 seconds with a microexpression of a smile on our lips. I noticed his pupils were dilating, and there was a spark..
I thought to myself “Fuck. Here we go again.” I know it’s chemical reactions and oxytocin in my brain. My attraction to him goes up and an ember forms inside me. The way he carries himself with a graceful dominance is alluring. He also seems intelligent, carefree and confident. Is he just being friendly? Is he like this with everyone? His motive is slightly ambiguous but my gut knows he’s attracted too. But there was a degree of uncertainty which created attraction too. We continued chatting.
I expected D20 to get up and leave at this point but he didn't and he continued chatting with me for the next 15-20 minutes before my SO walked up to us.
I introduced him to my SO and they chatted briefly about the event and hiking. My SO laughs apathetically and says something to D20 dismissing one of his past injuries - feels like he’s AMOG-ing him. I cross my legs in the opposite direction pointing them towards my SO and also to signal to D20 that this situation is getting a bit awkward and he should probably take off. He does so and tells me it was great meeting me and I tell him the same.
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The Follow-Up:
He left a positive impression on me, and I couldn’t help but keep thinking of him though I tried to downplay it as a fleeting crush. A few days later, I messaged him in game to tell him it was great meeting him and let him know we'll be in town again for another event and that I'm bringing “my cute and single asian friend” ZB. I'm trying to suppress my attraction for him. I don't trust him yet. I hardly know him but I'm curious about him and his true intentions. But I'm taken and so I hope he just goes for someone else so I can get over this crush. If he gets along with my friend and SO, that’s good social proof too. Maybe we could actually be good friends..or maybe not.
I'm overly conscious of how my messages come across, the perfectionist in me edits them after sending and he points out how I kind of put myself down twice - once for apologizing for not being energetic enough and second, I said hopefully he doesn't find me annoying or weird. He told me to not be so hard on myself and said "you're super smart, very creative, and seem like a nice person. I reckon most people would find you interesting and cool.” I thank him and point out he's not only smart but also seems emotionally intelligent and kind. I tell him I tend to overapologize when I'm getting to know someone and that once I feel more safe or comfortable, I overapologize less. I think it's also a habit for me to lower my value in front of new friends or guys so they don't get intimidated. (A guy I once had a huge crush on, years later said he crushed on me but never made a move because he thought I was out of his league. I thought he was out of my league too. So when both people think the other is unattainable and doesn't make a move, yeah nothing happens. By the time he told me it was too late.) I'm not sure why some people find me intimidating. So I approach first sometimes if they seem chill. They tell me once they talk to me, I have a calm presence and good vibes but that I do tend to make intense eye contact like I'm looking into their soul when I’m just trying to assess whether they’re being sincere or not.
Building Rapport:
Day 2-
We arrived in Boston with my friend ZB, who was wearing a racing jacket and jeans. I'm wearing a fitted shirt and flared yoga pants after working out. D20 is wearing designer jeans and a nice leather jacket. I greet him with a light hug and try to pass ZB onto D20 - he’s being chill but he doesn't seem that interested in her, I can tell he's just being polite. He keeps engaging me with personal questions and we talk about travels abroad and Asian culture. He's very cheerful and enthusiastic. I feel really good when he smiles at me and I start to feel more comfortable around him. But I wonder why he won't go for my friend who is actually single and lives close? Is she not cute or cool enough for him?
I try to invite him to get dinner with our group but he says he's going to head off and we say goodbye for now. I thought he was going to build more rapport with ZB and my SO, guess not. Was this strategic? He doesn't look back as he walks off nonchalantly. He remains mysterious and alluring in my mind.
I later talk to ZB and she tells me he's not her type. Pfff, I tell her we have quite different tastes in men. She says her type is comparable to Cloud from FF7 (young, blonde, stoic, naive), and my type is Sephiroth and Squall (mature, dark, mysterious, intelligent, rebellious). I guess byronic males are my weakness.. Shit, is this one of my red flags? Oh well.
He later messages me saying it was great to see me again. He doesn't say "it was great to see you guys" so I thought "hmm is he just targeting me?" I ask him for his thoughts on ZB and he comments that she's cool and she downplayed her job. He doesn't say anything else about her.
I try to ask him for another messaging app to chat on, because I've got more questions about his time in Asia. He says he spends most of his time behind a screen and says he’s "more of an “in person” person, not a big chatter but drop a line when you're back in town."
I ask him if he’s free for coffee/tea next time I’m in town. He agrees and says he's looking forward to it and asks if I'm staying with friends in the area. I tell him no, just me and that if he's uncomfortable he can bring a friend...yeah I don't think he's bringing a friend. I think it's on. He knows this. I know this. We don't seem attached to the outcome but know something will likely go down.
We switch to another messaging app and exchange some friendly voice messages back and forth but the tone feels more flirty. I show him some cute outfits I wore at an event, he compliments my sense of fashion and says he can't tell if I'm an introvert or extrovert. I joked "What if I'm not an introvert nor extrovert? What if I'm just a pervert.." and later mention I was slightly embarrassed showing him my art because it’s kind of sensual. He replied and laughed at my pervert joke and then his voice switched to a deeper tone when talking about his MBTI type and how there’s a certain quality to my art, but “sensual” isn’t the right word for it and he wants to know what the genesis of an artist is. We keep repeating how we're looking forward to hanging out again with extra enthusiasm. Tension is building.
The Lay:
Day 3 through 5-
I arrive in town and go to meet up with D20 after remote work. I hug him lightly but a bit tighter than last time and we walk over to a restaurant for tea and food. He scares me a bit with his jay walking and it makes my heart race. He walks steadily at a fast pace and I’m trying to keep up with my shorter limbs.
The restaurant is quite busy so they seat us at the bar. It is dimly lit and the atmosphere is lively but chill. We’re sitting almost shoulder to shoulder, perfect for kino - elbows and shoulders touching here and there. We leaned in close to listen to each other. We talked about siblings, videogames, military families, the women he dated in Asia, how I met my SO, how long we've been together, whether I'm satisfied with my relationship, and where I might want to live one day. I ask him "how is someone like you single? Is it by choice?" He laughs and just says he's flattered, leaving some mystery in the air. I legitimately want to know but don’t prod him. Attraction feels like it's building by the minute but I'm still a bit guarded. I pay the bill and then he walks me back to my place. Afterall, it is dark and unsafe to walk the streets alone as a woman..
As we head back, he asks me "What is it like being complex? Not saying that in a bad way." I'm thinking about how it's kind of a probing question and ask for more specifics. Might be related to when I told him my MBTI, which is similar to his but complementary in a way. I tell him it depends on the situation and who I’m around. I’m usually calm on the outside, but my inner world can get complicated. I’m a bit of a walking contradiction with many layers.
I kino him with my shoulders and I talk a bit about my recent adventures in San Diego including being dragged by my extroverted friends into the VIP section of a strip club and then going to a peaceful zen garden the morning after. He tells me he thinks I'm dangerous, I just smile and laugh. I think he's projecting because earlier he gave me signs that he likely had a dangerous or promiscuous past.
Before I head inside my place, I ask him if he wants to chat some more. He agrees and I say "Yeah I think we have a lot to discuss.." in a somewhat suggestive tone.
We go sit on opposite ends of the couch but our bodies are facing each other. He sits with his back leaning against the couch shoulder, his legs are straight and his left arm is extended, resting on the back of the couch. My back is leaning against the other end, with one knee retracted inwards, and the other leg is straight. I take out my sketch pad and start drawing him while I ask him what his most crazy experience was in Asia. Then we fluff about our body counts, dominant/submissive dynamics, how I kissed girls a few times, 3somes (I've never had one yet - still a fantasy of mine) what age we each lost our virginity, etc. He has me try to guess his body count a few times till he shrugs and then I say "ah you've lost count.." Well experience is good, as long as he’s clean and good in bed, that’s what matters right?
I don't really buy his answer, the way he said “friendly” was off and I’m pretty good at telling when someone is lying. But I don't call him out on it.
He asked me if I slept with anyone while with my SO, I said maybe, he said "I'll take that as a yes." I told him the guy was a virgin so there was only foreplay and no intercourse, and that he was saving himself for someone who isn’t taken and likely more conservative. He asks me what the guy's name was..I tell him it's the same name as his. (Not kidding they both have the same name!) He says "Man I like this guy already! haha" I told him that the guy was visiting Vietnam as we spoke. Then I ask him if he's been with taken or married women before and he says yes. I asked him the last time he was with a woman, and he said a few months ago.
Eventually he asks if I've been mentally checked out of my relationship and I tell him it's been like that for a while. He goes to the bathroom, I ponder for a bit - contemplating what might happen next. When he comes out he immediately picks me up off the couch and carries me to the bedroom. Our sides both land onto the bed and we look deeply into each other's eyes. This caught me off guard. I'm a bit nervous. He basically caught me before I could change my mind, so it was the perfect escalation window for him.
The way he looks at me puts me into a trance. I'm very attracted to him and my heart rate goes up. We start off slow and passionate. I think I tried to go in for a kiss first but he tells me to just brush our lips softly first. We do so until we're fully making out. We hold hands and it feels like two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together. I run my hands through his hair and his hands explore the curves of my body. He comments on how round and firm my ass is and how my tits are a good handful. I ask if he's a T or A man and he says "actually it's that great smile of yours.." as he looks at my lips and teeth. I feel flattered and tell him I had braces so he can thank my parents for that. He helps a bit with taking off my clothes and his clothes come off until we’re both just in our underwear embracing each other. He says he's not that into foreplay for some reason and prefers just intercourse for mutual pleasure. I tell him I'd be happy to please my partner during foreplay and that it doesn't bother me because I find the act pleasing in itself. D20 says "Okay but let me show you midplay..", he pulls off my panties and he slides himself inside me and tells me I'm tight. I'm soaking wet as we do it in missionary style, moaning in his ear and holding his hair so it doesn’t fall on my face. Then we go into a doggy position and then spoon. He cums inside me and we cuddle each other and share kisses for a while before going into the shower. I touch and hug him as the water runs down our bodies and he smacks my booty cheeks repeatedly till it makes a certain acoustic sound..
He asks if he's staying over and I tell him yes and that it'd be lovely if we hung out some more the next day. We cuddle before falling asleep, and then fuck again in the morning. He cums inside me again. I trace the edges of my finger tips around his neck and collarbone. He tells me my pussy is dangerous and unregulated. I smile because I know it can be addicting - past lovers have proposed and obsessed over it. He asks when I’ll be in town alone again but I tell him likely not for a while and I can’t promise anything.
We later head to a cafe for him to do some work. While in line, he asked if I’ve played the game Among Us and I said “yes I have, it’s a fun game..” Then he doesn’t go on about the topic. I know why he’s asking - he wants to know if I’m any good at manipulating others or am easily manipulated. The truth is yes I’m very good and often won most rounds while being the imposter without anyone suspecting a thing. And I often isolated and deduced who was the correct imposter in the other rounds. But I really hate lying and prefer to be authentic as much as possible while not being an a-hole. I find that gentle honesty and sincere empathy is the way to go. But I don’t disclose this info because he didn’t prod me further. He’s likely assuming it anyway for better or worse.
I pay for our meal, and he says “thanks babe!”. I thought, isn’t it too early to call me babe? Guess he does this because we’ve shared physical intimacy, kind of gives off player vibes - which I’m not used to. I’m used to long term partners (of 3-7 years) calling me babe but have had some flings in between. I sit beside him listening to my audiobook and draw in my sketchbook. He comments on how the guy next to us is trying to game up a girl nearby but the guy is talking too much and not letting her intervene. I notice that she still seems engaged and is just intently listening to the guy. I think about how I could probably listen to D20 talk for hours because his voice is so pleasant, and familiar. But the way he spectates and critiques the man’s approach makes me think “Well he’s got quite a bit of experience teaching others doesn’t he?”
We talk about kinks and bondage for a bit and I have him take a BDSM quiz out of curiosity. His result had 88% dominant and 80% monogamous. I was surprised he got mostly monogamous because he's had 3somes, past experience of laying multiple girls within the same week, etcetera that would indicate some polyamorous traits. Maybe he meant one-sided monogamy? Who knows. When we’re done eating, I return our dirty dishes, wipe off our table, and throw away the trash like a good girl.
After he's done working, we head back to my place. He asks if we want to watch anime and I slip out that my SO probably watches more anime than me and I thought about what to watch. He then puts on a gangster movie his friend recommended. It's heavy and violent, the opposite of romantic or lighthearted but I push through it. I let him pick the movie after all and don't want to complain. My back is leaned against his during the movie and I caress his arms, then touch his wrists and hands delicately.
We order and eat dinner, and then afterwards talk about how rough it is for kids in poverty in foreign countries - a theme in the movie we watched. I mentioned that one of my Japanese friends used to live in poverty but she's a successful game dev now and that we sometimes trade nudes. We go to the bedroom, I straddle his lap, and we start kissing. I tell him to let me blow him. I start sucking him while he’s laying down and then he stops me, brings my face up to kiss him, and then turns my body around and thrusts himself inside me. This time, his hand is lightly choking my neck and it really turns me on. Then we make out some more while he's spoon fucking me until he cums inside and we cuddle for a while. He talks about how good I smell, he smells really good too and we talk about how our genes are really compatible. I talk about how monogamous marriage isn’t really my thing but I’d be open to having a kid or two one day. He tells me his goal is to have at least one ambitious child. We talked about the beautifully intelligent, ambitious and creative kids we'd probably have together. I am hesitant about ever bringing children into this world because of the state it’s in, but he thinks I would make a great mother. He leans into a fantasy of knocking me up while on birth control even though the chances are less than 1%. He told me to hit him up when I get my IUD removed. I can’t tell if he’s actually serious or just being manic.
I also wouldn't be able to live the rest of my life keeping that huge secret. Did he ask me those questions to screen my character?
____________________________________________________________________________
The next morning I get ready to check out of my place. While he showers, I wash the dishes and clean up the counter. He comes out of the shower and notices me cleaning and hugs me, and is pleased that I’m cleaning. He twists his bath towel, I take the cue and bend over, pulling down my pants so he can whip my ass playfully with it. I wore a cropped t-shirt over a sports bra and long black trousers.
He told me “You look like an Asian teen!” It sounds like a backhanded compliment or neg since I’m a full grown woman in her 30s but I am short and my breasts don't look as big in a sports bra. I could’ve had a comeback for him but instead I remain composed, smile and respond with “Just dressing comfortably, since I’m going to be in transit for 5-6 hours..” I’m confident enough about my looks, so it doesn’t really faze me.
We hop on the train. While on the train he says “Are you sure you're X'X height?” “Do you wear heels?” “Not really anymore, my SO hates heels because he knows they’re bad for my feet.” He implies that I seem taller than I am because of the way I carry myself so I’m flattered. He told me “When you said you were going to stay alone in the area and then switched locations to get a private bathroom, I thought “oh it’s ON.” ” I told him the location change was mainly because I didn’t want to share a bathroom with whomever owned the place. I always opt for more privacy no matter the situation and for my own safety. (I also like walking around half naked without worrying about strangers seeing me.)
We arrived at a busy cafe to get breakfast and coffee. While standing in a long line, he tries to reach down my shirt to fondle my breast but I grab his arm to stop him because so many people are around and I'm very self conscious (it was very crowded and well lit.)
I let him reach down into my shirt afterwards and wrap my arms around his arm like I'm smuggling and hiding something. I feel flustered and worry if anyone sees us.
He later asks me if I’d be able to work remotely while overseas and I tell him yes as long as my manager approves. He tells me about how affordable it would be for me to live in Vietnam. I tell him it'd be difficult to bring my SO to get licensed and find another job because he can't be remote. I kind of wonder why he's asking. He seems to travel quite a bit, is he trying to simulate if I would fit into his lifestyle? I also mention how it's easier to get dual citizenship if you know a relative there and briefly mention I have a cute distant cousin there that my mom has been trying to matchmake. Not that I think he's a passport bro. It's probably just my coping mechanism trying to suppress and detach my feelings from him since we’ll be parting soon.
We finished eating and walked towards the train station again. By the way, he has been helping carry some of my luggage. He knows it’s a little heavy for me and he moves faster than me while carrying it. I kind of feel bad and think of him metaphorically carrying my emotional baggage/burden. I don’t want nor expect him to carry any of my burdens. They after all, should be mine alone to carry right?
We arrive at the elevator above the train stop.
AB69: You know.. I might miss you a bit.
D20: Noooo.. please don’t miss me...Please don’t miss me..
*looks at him with sad puppy eyes.*
D20: ..Okay I might miss you a bit too.
AB69: Yeah just a bit..
He kisses me goodbye inside the elevator before he walks off and doesn't look back. I don’t think I’ll ever forget this one..
__________________________________________________
Post-Lay:
He texts safe travels after I told him I made it to my bus stop. I text him, flashing him a titty pic later when no one is around and covering the aisle with my jacket just in case. He responds strangely with a meditation emoji - trying to keep calm? I send him a couple more racy pics when I get home. He tells me the pics are very distracting and he’s glad the pics disappeared after viewing them once.
The following day, I sent him a sweet little voice message and thanked him for a relaxing lowkey weekend and told him I really appreciated our time. He says he did too and that we had lovely chemistry.
I recall he mentioned during one of our walks that he does blogging and poetry in his spare time. My curiosity (for better or worse) looks him up online and reads a few of his blogs. I'm impressed by his writing style and passion and compliment him on it. I share some of my old poetry with him and he says they seem interesting and he’ll read more of them later.
I ask him if he usually mentions pregnancy when hooking up with a woman and he says it's an atypical situation and that at this point in his life, he's not intentionally seeking flings with women who are already in committed relationships but says "things happened as they did" and it was really lovely. He said he knows a lot of people don't lean into edge cases but it's interesting to think about and it's a tertiary effect from our chemistry.
I tell him yeah it is fun to think about and that I'm somehow comfortable with the idea of it. (Even though it's wild) It's probably just my irrational biological clock talking.
I sent him more sexy erotic pictures later. He enjoys them I think but when I later send a message venting a bit about my relationship, wanting more out of life and feeling held back by my SO, how men usually get head over heels for me too early on, and how some of my flings became extensive LTRs, he doesn't respond so positively.
He tells me although he thinks I'm incredibly beautiful, intelligent, creative and a great leader and that there are so many awesome things about me, the weekend itself was magical to him, but the follow up messages and just the most recent message of telling him how my relationship kind of sucks and it being kind of long distance is too messy for him. He said he wants to do right by others, and feels he’d genuinely be doing me wrong to continue this fling into an affair and doesn't feel comfortable continuing at this time. He feels like a barrier to my relationship if he stays involved. He doesn’t want to be in the crosshairs or crossfire of any conflict but also doesn’t want to be in the background even if we do split up, say if I wanted to see him from time to time when I feel lonely.
He said if we had met 7 years ago or 5 years from now maybe things would have turned out differently. He thinks my SO seems decent and stable enough and that I should try to work it out with him saying “I don’t give advice usually but if asked, I’d say give it a genuine honest push for X amount of time and end things as amicably as possible if you do split up”. I feel hurt by this but I understand and tell him I appreciate his honesty.
I tell him he is an amazing guy in a lot of ways and that any woman would be extremely fortunate to have him in their life and I sincerely meant it. We wish each other the best. I said I'd be open to staying platonic friends as we have quite a bit in common. He says thanks for the kind words, he thinks similarly of me but said it's difficult for him to go back to nothing and he doesn't see himself as disciplined enough to hang out without anything going down but he is grateful for the cool times we shared and wishes me the best..I tell him that's completely fair and that I'd be open to being more than friends in the future but only under the right conditions (single and not living far away) if the interest was still mutual. I tell him I was grateful for our time together too and will look back on it as a fond memory.
Reflection:
We know what we did was wrong, but it felt so right in the moment. Although brief, the time we spent was meaningful to me, and honestly I can suffer through anything as long as it has meaning. I believe nothing is a waste of time if you once enjoyed it. For that, I couldn’t expect anything more from him. And if D20 ever reads this report, I’m sorry that the universe couldn’t give us better timing/distance. I’m also sorry that my curiosity led me to finding out about your past. But what’s past is prologue as Shakespeare says. Both of our past behaviors led us to the present - resulting in both upstream and downstream effects, including this very report.
Maybe we both got what we wished for, but also ultimately what the universe thought we deserved. At least we still met and experienced each other’s joy and passion for a time so I don’t regret a single thing. I only regret not trying or doing something when an opportunity arises.
This isn’t a smear campaign. This isn’t a love letter nor a love story. We are neither heroes nor villains nor victims in this report. We are only human.. D20, please know that I see you, I hear you and I would accept your past, present and future self whether or not our paths cross again. Why? Because I’ve accepted what I am too and I read somewhere that it’s not about finding the “right” one. It’s about becoming the right one. This experience was also impactful and taught me a lesson, so I am grateful for every step in the journey.
And for now, I say duyên and hết duyên. For the thread has passed.
Amor Fati.
- AB69
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Setting:
People:
The Approach:
Afterthoughts:
