I’ve been following your thread and just wanted to say I really respect you for posting this so openly. It’s not easy putting yourself out there like that, especially when you know some guys are going to judge the hell out of it.
Thank you Cat, I don't expect readers to respect me nor do I want them to support the affair. I'm aware of my flaws and don't mind exposing them. I know my perspective in this report may trigger or rub some guys the wrong way, but life is all about doing things that may be outside of our comfort zone. It's how we grow through adversity, isn't it?
I could relate to a lot of what you wrote, especially the part where you said you can “suffer through anything as long as it has meaning.” That line hit me. I think a lot of women who are wired like us end up in these situations not because we’re just horny or reckless, but because we’re chasing that feeling of being alive and seen, even if it’s messy or temporary.
It's also a reference to Murakami novel 1Q84 - the female protagonist Aomame says it. I find it really resonant too. Exactly, I know at times, my emotions may supersede my logical side but that doesn't mean I don't have any discipline or control/agency over my daily life.
Right, especially when you are used to a normal, relatively peaceful, somewhat mundane life, you can become complacent with it. Then the thought of something new/unknown can be very enticing, especially when the guy involved displays many adventurous attributes. You start thinking "Wow is this what I've been missing out on all these years?" Feels like a bit of chaos once in a while is good for shaking things up, or as a catalyst to force a shift in your life too.
Regarding D20: From what you described, he definitely felt like someone who’s been around the block. The way he handled the escalation, the way he created plausible deniability while still moving things forward, and especially how he eventually pulled back when things started getting too real, that didn’t feel like beginner behavior. Whether he studied pickup or just figured it out through experience, he clearly knows how to read situations (and women).
Right, he is very
very smooth and naturally very good with women. I won't reveal any obvious links to his identity for his sake but will say he was a former MPUA who started out as a natural before he taught and coached many others. Most people here will not know who he is though if they were not around in early mASF days.
I also noticed how you mentioned that he seemed to switch into a more “player” mode after sex (calling you “babe” early, etc.). I’ve experienced that too; some guys are very present and intense during the seduction and sex, but once it’s over, they kind of detach or go into autopilot. It’s jarring when you’re still in that post-sex emotional space.
For sure, it can feel like you're being blind-sided especially after being vulnerable. I wonder if some men underestimate the impact they have on these women if they do this intentionally. I'm sure others are well aware of their impact. I do think D20 had good intentions, and was very present during our time together, but I understand that the reality and logistics (marriage/5 hour distance) afterwards just didn't work for him.
In a way, that made his last messages more confusing because I thought a low-commitment/casual/long-distance affair was what he wanted, but his last message had mixed intentions and emotions. He also said verbatim: "the pictures you sent were very erotic and lovely, but I thought "ugh but this is some guy's wife", maybe not in the future...fair enough, but still someone's wife. If we met, say 7 years ago, or 5 years from now, maybe things would've turned out differently."
I'm envious of how some can so easily detach after being so intimate.
One thing I’m curious about (if you feel like sharing): When he pulled back after you opened up about your relationship, did that actually make you respect him more, or did it mostly just hurt? Because from the outside it looked like he was trying to do the “right” thing, but I can imagine it felt rejected in the moment.
I do respect him for walking away earlier, rather than stringing me along and hurting me later down the road when I'd be more emotionally invested. But it still felt somewhat invalidating and dismissive of my feelings. I know he tried to blame it on logistics and how we met, rather than blame me or him, but I still can't help but think some of it is my fault.
Right, from the outside, he was doing the "right" thing to adhere to his own principles, but I wonder what he truly wanted.
One thing that stood out to me was that you had unprotected sex with him multiple times that weekend. Did that feel like a conscious choice in the moment, or did things just move so fast that protection didn’t really come up? I noticed he didn’t even ask you about it beforehand. I’m curious how that landed with you, especially with him later talking about getting you pregnant.
The first time, it didn't feel very conscious - I was expecting there to be more foreplay and oral before it escalated to intercourse but he moved very fast, it kind of shocked me. But I have a tendency to be very submissive and compliant, especially with a guy like him, so it felt like I surrendered any control I had over to him in the moment. The entire weekend, it felt like I was in a bubble with him, and in a trance-like state, so I really didn't think much about it until I returned home.
The pregnancy talk was interesting... He brought it up after sex, and also asked "Do you mind if I research what it would take to get you pregnant while on the copper IUD?"
I said "Sure...go ahead lol", D20: "Okay, it's less than 1% chance but imagine..." and then leaned into what I would do if he did knock me up and said I could try to pass on the child as my husband's since they resembled each other... This kind of conversation has never been brought up before with any casual lover of mine in the past so I thought it was a little strange but can kind of see the appeal. It definitely felt like one of his tests too.
Anyway, thanks for writing this. It’s been one of the more honest and detailed reports I’ve read here. I hope that whatever happens with your situation, you end up choosing what actually feels right for you, not just what feels safe or familiar.
Of course, I'm glad if you find it of any value. I think writing it down and analyzing these types of situations are important. Then I can look back at it later on from a more clinically detached perspective and try to better understand everyone's motivations.
In my daily life as an engineer, it's a habit for me to look into the root cause and problem-solve many things - might as well apply it to my real life too when it's helpful.
.. but it felt carthartic for me and helped me analyze what happened.
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