Being uninvited | How do I become more socially likeable?

Kai Reyder

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 26, 2020
Messages
12
Hey everyone!

So, something just happened which made me want to write this, as it's been on my mind for a long time now because it's happened many times.

Once again, I feel unwanted.
My roommate and friend received a message from our mutual female friend to hang out (it's past midnight, but it is NOT a booty call, as he "plays for the other team", if you catch my meaning). It's happened many times that he receives an invitation to hang out, whereas I don't, and neither does he invite me. This also happens too often (imo) with invitations from our other friends.
Perhaps the times I feel worst are the times when the aforementioned friend comes over for lunch or something after which the two of them leave together without even offering an invitation.

There are two solutions which I can see.
1. Stop being so insecure.
2. Be more socially likeable / fun.

There is another thing bothering me about the whole thing. I keep being told how I'm so intelligent, so cool, so awesome... but then they don't want to spend much time with me, it seems.
Honestly, I feel as if everyone is playing some cruel game on me -- telling me that I'm awesome while doing precious little to actually back up their words with action.
And doesn't this statement just scream VICTIM MENTALITY !!!?

One thing I know they all think (and which I agree with because I know it to be true) is that I'm too serious. Oh sure, I crack a few hilarious jokes occasionally. They are usually witty -- as I've said, I've been told that I'm intelligent and, without any false modesty, I would agree. (And I believe (and hope ?) that my vocabulary may have given you the same impression). But nevertheless, I am just too serious and too stiff. Not at all spontaneous.

So people, how could I overcome this?
How do I overcome my insecurities, or better yet, how do I become a more engaging, entertaining and spontaneous man?
 

ulrich

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
1,651
Hi man, I know how it feels, trust me. I struggled so much making friends in the past.
I went all high school without true close friends so I really know what you mean.

The thing that you need to understand is that most close friendships are based on relatability.

As you say, they tell you that you are a cool guy so you probably are but perhaps they feel that what they want to do and what they want to talk doesn’t match your personality. That’s why they don’t invite you.
It’s not that they’re playing a cruel joke on you. It’s just that they feel that you are so different.

I can’t really tell you specifics for your situation. What really helped me growing up was keeping on meeting new people until I stopped feeling weird and started seeing myself as a cool interesting social guy.
I’m still a solitary ass but I don’t feel left out anymore because I know I have friends I can call and set up a meet.

This is a hard pill to swallow but everyone is lonely in one way or another. You just feel left out.

My advice is try to lead these invites. Don’t expect people to invite you. Come up with ideas and invite them first.

Also, start making more friends. This friendship may already have become too stale but you can always make new ones.
 

West_Indian_Archie

Tribal Elder
Tribal Elder
Joined
Feb 6, 2020
Messages
375
Start with this

1. Not everyone is going to like you
2. Not everyone has to like you
3. You're not going to like everyone

That said - these people don't invite you out to things because based on their previous experiences, you don't bring any value to them. I don't mean money, I don't mean alcohol, I don't mean the person with the car, and I don't mean the guy that makes jokes and does pranks.

All the above are things that guys who don't understand social dynamics do to get attention. They try to spend money in an effort to get friends, bring stuff, have the cool crib that people can hang out in, make an ass of themselves to get attention.

Don't ever put your energy into convincing a group of people that have already decided who you are.
That's bad social dynamics, and it's HORRIBLE PICKUP.

These jerks are a wash.

For those people to like you, just like trying to get "that one special girl" to like you - you first need to be liked by everyone. Then you transition to a place where people are wondering if you like them.

In practice, though this may be difficult in the time of plague,

Figure out what you like to do that other people also like to do, together.

So online video games and porn don't count.

Hiking, Climbing, Jet Skiing, Foreign Film Showings, Car Racing, etc. There has to be some offline activity that you like, that you want to start, or that you're good with.

Go whole hog, all the way.

Start going to the live events.

And before you start chatting up your fellow bird watcher - you need to visibly enjoy what it is you're doing.

The special sauce to being the life of the party, being the person that people want to be around - is being the person that looks like they're having the most fun. This is coincidentally why guys that drink and get high and hang out in parties, provided they are fundamentally happy, are the life of the party.

From that place of "having the time of your life", that's when you start chatting up strangers.

That's when you start getting invited to drinks afterwards.

That's when you start to throwing your own little get togethers.

And when you are going out, meeting people, not giving a fuck about this particular group that's excluding you, that's when the haters "come around".

Building a social life will show you the best of people, but also the worst. Because a lot of your new friends might only be there for the good time.

WIA
 

EagleEyes

Rookie
Rookie
Joined
Jun 28, 2020
Messages
1
Do not be negative. Don’t even think negative things such as doubts, insecurity, worrying. Be as neutral as you can. Be comfortable standing straight with good posture. Hold a can of soda if you are nervous or insecure as a buffer but again do not appear negative.
 

DarkKnight

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Oct 18, 2018
Messages
1,576
@West_Indian_Archie dropping sage advice as ever.

OP. If you are stuck with these people and this is bothering you, you are in a toxic situation. It sucks that you share living room with these people.

However these guys are not the only people on planet earth you can make other friends. In other words not chase them, but replace them. Trust me theyll notice the moment you withdraw, ask you what is wrong maybe lol. Anyway make efforts to grow a new social group without these individuals. Who knows, youll find that they have the temerity to ask you to join you with your new friends. It wouldn't surprise me.
 

Kai Reyder

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Jan 26, 2020
Messages
12
Thanks people!

I read the master key to new friendships article and one thing jumped out specifically -- social constraint.
I've talked to a few of my friends on multiple separate occasions about what they would like me to improve on the most, and they all said that they would like me to talk more. I only ever talk when I'm asked for my opinion or when I consider myself an "expert" on the subject.
That social constraint, I believe, is the source of all my social and sexual / romantic issues. Whenever I find myself in a "do or don't" situation, I always choose "don't". It's funny, because the one time I approached a girl, I felt like an absolute god (how can you kill a god? What a grand and intoxicating innocence!), but I still always choose to do nothing.

Well, not anymore. There's an event happening tonight that I'm interested in, and I'm going (with or without my friends, should they decline the invitation). I'm gonna do my best to socialize, and it will probably be uncomfortable, but I see that there's just no way to grow without growing pains.

@uriel thanks man! It is reassuring to know that someone was in a similar situation to my own and managed to get out :).

@West_Indian_Archie unlike uriel's comment, that was some tough love there, but I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the advice. As you can see, I'll try to put it to practice as soon as I can. Thank you!

@DarkKnight man, I am not in a toxic situation, I am in a toxic life xD. I used to have episodes of suicidal depression more often than women get their periods lol, but that has not happened in months now. I just don't feel helpless anymore -- I'm making progress in my life, albeit slowly. But thank you!

All the advice appears to have one commonality: "put yourself out there". And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Thank you guys! If you have any other advice, I'm always willing to listen.

Untill next time, good bye and good luck :)
 

DarkKnight

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Oct 18, 2018
Messages
1,576
Okay good to hear. Keep in mind that people who already know you will have extreme ressistance at having a different impression of you when you upgrade your fundamentals. New people are new chances.. just utilize the girlschase material. It is a gold mine.
 

Derek da man

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Jan 24, 2020
Messages
285
Like Uriel and yourself I've been there too, I'm intelligent and cool but not in demand and therefore not invited. It's not that I'm un-liked. It's not that uncommon and chances are people you are chatting to often don't feel a connection or relate to you so don't warm to you.

You do have a "victim mentality" but that is understandable so you need to change the way you feel, not the victim bit, but the way you feel about yourself. I suspect that because of this happening many times you start to feel that you "aren't worthy" of their friendship which ultimately feeds into the insecurity and when you get a "should I? shouldn't I" moment you go for not doing anything. This often adds to the awkwardness of situations which again can be a barrier preventing people warming to you.

My biggest recommendation would be to find something you love doing and get out there and do it. You'll meet other people who share your passion and therefore will related to you from the outset. It doesn't matter if you're not any good at it to start off as you can ask questions and they will be pleased to answer your questions and help you, just as if you were an expert on something I'm sure you'd happily share your knowledge and passion with them. From this you will develop a new circle of friends relating to this activity without losing your existing friends. It also gives you something you can weave into conversations them and make you seem more interesting and confident, which in itself is an attractive trait. I have at least 3 distinct circles of friends from different activities plus work therefore I get invites from 3 different circles for varying activities such as hanging out or a BBQ or whatever.

Another tip to reducing your anxiety levels when you approach or speak to others, including girls you may like, is that they are also often feeling anxiety too. Because of this anxiety they want you to succeed in chatting to them successfully so will usually welcome your conversation if it is interesting and enables them to make a connection with you. You just need to find subjects that those that you are chatting to are interested in; therefore asking them "open questions" is the way to do it - basically it's a form of deep diving - plenty or articles on GC to help with examples.

You're already looking to change yourself which is good so try and come up with few opening questions you can use then practice them until you can repeat them until they sound genuine and unrehearsed. Then next time you're feeling one of those "should I, shouldn't I" moments you now have some questions to get out there and ask so you should go and say hello. The biggest thing to remember, when your having a reflective moment, is to look at "what went well" with an interaction and not just focus on what "didn't go well". This will help you lose the "victim mentality" as, when you look at what went well, you will see that "you are worthy" of their friendship as you led the conversation and had a fun interaction with them.

It's very easy to end up on a downward spiral which I think is where you have been, so you need to break that cycle. Hopefully some of this will help as will the previous responses as well.
 
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