Chicks going cold after great first dates

Landlord

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Dec 7, 2012
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I'm recently divorced, back into dating again in my early 40's
Have had little problem meeting women and getting numbers online, in clubs, at the supermarket, outdoor cafe, etc.
Pretty good at building tension on text and getting dates.
Had 5 dates this week with hot women.

NOT going for full closes on dates, more interested in short-medium term girlfriends/lovers.
But I Keep running against the same problem!

1st date goes well. I don't use routines, I have tons of legit life stories to DHV and build rapport and I get on with women very well. Mostly I am good at making them laugh and getting them talking while I listen. I make them comfortable, build rapport and sexual tension, show leadership, good kino and more often than not escalate to substantial goodnight kissing or making out mid-date. I send a short flirty text after the date saying I had a good time, always reciprocated enthusiastically.

Problem is—after these great first dates, quite often the trail goes COLD. No second date, total freeze out.

Example: A few days ago took out this hot architect / belly dancer to a wine bar. She opened up to me a lot. We moved to a second location with a fireplace, comfortable couch and few people. Serious making out and groping on the couch. Her: all doe-eyed and invited me to go see her belly dance a few days later. Friended me on Facebook. Made plans to go salsa dancing next time. Couple hours after the date, sent me enthusiastic text about the date.

After the date...almost total freeze out. Asked her out again 4 or 5 days later, got blown out. Tried to bump back and tease her into accepting, but failed.

What I do not understand: How does a great date turn into total freeze out so fast, without warning?
Maybe I should just go for full close every first date, and not have this problem anymore!

A woman's opinion: My sister says maybe they feel guilty/weird about giving up so much of themselves emotionally and physically on a first date....but she is quite conservative, and most of these girls are NOT.


Any thoughts/experience/advice on this gents?
 

Franco

Tribal Elder
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Hey Landlord,

So let's start with this part of your post, first:

A woman's opinion: My sister says maybe they feel guilty/weird about giving up so much of themselves emotionally and physically on a first date....but she is quite conservative, and most of these girls are NOT.

She is actually somewhat correct, but also for completely the wrong reason. Before we continue, please read the following article:

Dating Advice for Men: Why NOT to Get It from Women

Ok, now that you've read that, you should understand that your sister is trying to give you advice that does not actually get you results, but it also prevents her from looking like a "bad person" in the process. But that's not what we are here for -- we are here to get results.

So let's take a look at your process. As far as how you describe your first dates, everything actually seems quite good! You understand that women need to be the ones to do the talking and you need to be the one to listen; you understand that you need to be building sexual tension and moving things forward; you understand that you need to move women to different locations to get investment from them; and you understand that you need to start with kissing to escalate.

So what is the flaw with your process? I think you've answered your own question: you aren't inviting these women home and closing the deal!

This also has to do with why you aren't getting second dates. Let me explain. In your dates, you seem to be approaching them aggressively (with kino) and turning these women on. And this is great, IF you plan on closing the deal. However, if you plan on creating so much sexual tension and not closing the deal, you are essentially giving women the idea that you are the type of man who will fulfill her sexual desires, but then you leave them cold at the end of the date! In a woman's mind, she will see this as one of two ways:

1) There must have been a reason you two did not sleep together. Women will often rationalize this into thinking that it was their decision not to have sex with you. And once they decide that, they will make themselves believe that they chose the right path in not doing so. Once this happens, they will go into auto-rejection and your chances of seeing them again are slim.

2) You were just looking for a good time but not truly interested in them as a person. This is where your sister was slightly correct. You are making them give up so much physically and emotionally in person and then not returning them the favor by giving them the passionate, sexual experience that they desire from you. You would actually have a better chance of getting a second date if you didn't kiss these women and instead left them wanting more (making you mysterious). However, we encourage just attempting to close on the first date since this is your best chance of moving things forward with women.

NOTE: You should also not be physically escalating in a location where you cannot close the deal. So where you plan to go for the kiss should also be the location you plan to take her clothes off and have sex. I recommend getting her to a private location first (i.e. your living space, her living space, the backseat of your car, etc).

The last thing I want to address:

NOT going for full closes on dates, more interested in short-medium term girlfriends/lovers.

Regardless of what you are looking for from a woman, whether that be a one-night stand, a casual relationship, or a short/long-term girlfriend, the way you approach this is always the same. You need to take her as your lover first and you need to do it as expeditiously as humanly possible. Once you have done this, you are then more in control of the situation because the woman will see you as a powerful man who gave her a satisfying sexual experience and will be looking for you to lead her -- from there, you can manage her expectations and determine where you want things to go with this girl.

Hope this helps!

- Franco
 

Landlord

Cro-Magnon Man
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Franco,

Man, what a fantastic reply! That is really quite an in-depth analysis, that I plan to read and re-read before my next dates.
I'm not sure whether to be bummed out or ecstatic about your basic prognosis —(that they all wanted me to close the deal).
On the one hand that means I totally blew it in just the last few weeks with:

1. a feisty republican vietnamese chick
2. a hot, tall, blonde, blue eyed 25 year old girl next door
3. a smokin' redhead bellydancer (the point of pain that initiated this post!)

Come to think of it, the women I've done well with have been a 'no kiss' or 'small/innocuous kiss' first date, one of which I closed on D4 and one of which I intend to close on D3, which is in—say, about 4 hours from now, in fact!

I'm going to boil your advice down to this: "In for a penny, in for a pound."
Either I've got to go for broke on the first date, or remain pretty hands-off and live to fight another day.

Definitely going to road test this advice soon! Thanks Franco!

—Landlord
 

Landlord

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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Just re-read your post Franco...Damn, you are SO right!
What did I do wrong? I didn't shag them! This is such a "Doh!" moment....
 

Flames

Cro-Magnon Man
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Landlord said:
Just re-read your post Franco...Damn, you are SO right!
What did I do wrong? I didn't shag them! This is such a "Doh!" moment....

It's usually the case with these "it was going really well then she went cold" types of posts.
 

Landlord

Cro-Magnon Man
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any good way to pull them out of the fire?
Or probably just a lost cause?
 

A Life Loquacious

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Landlord said:
any good way to pull them out of the fire?
Or probably just a lost cause?

Honestly? Probably not!

Once they've gone cold, they've gone cold and unfortunately and further attempts to attract their attention start coming off as desperate/needy.
 

The Tool

Tribal Elder
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I agree with everything franco says. Franco you the man. all I can say
 
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