Dear diary ("sweet little diary")

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Yesterday, my mental health professional told me to start journalling as a way to reduce stress.

Figured why shouldn't I use this forum for it, and see what that ends up being like. I neglected seduction and related things for quite a while. Maybe it is good to go back to what I need to become a fully emotionally, cognitively and physically functioning human being again.

Just an intro:
Long ago, I read the book "the game". I hadnt actually intended to, but the name lured me in. I wanted to see what people did. After going out frequently, if not daily for months, and observing guys using different techniques , having tried quite some stuff myself too and having a keen (often involuntary) interest in how humans behave, think and feel .. it made sense to explore some people that tried to make techniques out of them or that analyzed things out of them. I joined puazone/sedfast/nextasf and found that some posters there actually had really deep things to say, valuable things, not to mention that they actually seemed like good people to get to know. Here I am thinking of some posters others have called kj's, although their experiences matched my experiences most.

Some of my favourites have been ijjji, purevil, teevster, skills(yes skills, lol), assman, cosy, blackdragon, gunwitch, bacchus, will_v, POB, franco, silvertree... etc. . forgive me if i forgot anyone .

(Due to the need for privacy , i wont post any things here that could help anyone identify me. )

For me personally, the journey has been and still is about an inner fight.
How do techniques relate to natural game and how can I be true to myself and keep my interest and trust in people, while influencing the outcomes my interactions with them have.

It currently stresses me out. The stress comes from the feeling I get from the inauthenticity I have experienced. I didnt care at first, but the deeper I learn to dive into my own experience, opinions and person, the more I realize the person I let down the most when influencing people, was myself.

I enjoy games, I enjoy fun, but I also need that depth and authenticity to find back what matters most in the world and to me.

Long ago I had an alcohol addiction and subsequently a burnout.

After that things that mattered to me before mattered less.

Fastforward it years and after having been married, having become a parent, few things trigger me anymore. Yet. Now I chose to divorce and find another way of being .

 

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One of the biggest complications the past years has been that I fell in love with an artist. Someone that knew seduction better than me, but also, did not see the depth that was needed to grow instead of stagnate.

Another thing that happened was that right after deciding to divorce, I fell full on back into the in love phase. I had not planned or intended that, although I welcomed it fullheartedly.
It has taken me months to give it a place or a placeholder for now. It may take even months more to know what it means in the big picture. But for now, I will try to focus on things that dont break my mind into overactive craze.

I am considering going into politics
I have also started casually seeing people from online, to see whether it's worth pursuing.

My sexdrive dies and comes alive very quickly all the time currently, due to some personal circumstances and emotional happenings.

I have also decided to take up some old hobbies, like developing a more artistic persona, that's more authentically me, as opposed to the mask i had as a placeholder for years and years, to have people not poke into who i was and who i am.

I noticed it at the last new girl i met. I told her nothing important about myself and just kept testing her frame and behaviour. I would have fucked with her, had she played her cards right. However, she just reeked of alcoholic desperation. I could not go kill myself metaphorically again. I once did fuck a girl that had alcohol coming from her pores and it had given me a big ick afterwards.

That said, if I had acted more authentic, perhaps the whole meeting would have gone differently.

Hence, I wonder whether authenticity is the key to true strong seduction, or that a fake identity would be a smarter move.

Tough to say.

 

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In the past , I have met people that let me fall, as soon as they realized I was a player, I was addiction prone, I was a thrillseeker, I was selfabsorbed and very easily bored by them. Telling them the things that set me apart but also made me authentic, just pushed them further away from me.

I found few people that have functioned or gotten the insights I have had in life. Yet I see so many people just pushing agenda's, poking around and trying to create images in their own heads about others. It disgusts me at this point. It repells me. From all the partners or sex partners i could have had, most have repelled me or keep repelling me one way or another way. Sadly, my acting is subpar, because I dont care enough, to not make them realize i am not interested in them.

That said , it sometimes surprises me how often other people , and perhaps me too, make assumptions or have ideas on how things should go, how other people are, how quick they are decide what the situation is, before exploring the situation by themselves.

That said, for today, i thinkt he takeaway is that I need to find peace and perhaps peace will be found when i address my cognitive dissonance regarding seduction

 

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So today was stressful but funny. Didnt know my brain was as overexhausted as it is. I could barely string logic together . Had some fun. May or may not have sex tomorrownight. Will go out to some club with a girl. Not sure whether there will be a window or what my mood is gonna be. If she cant dance, most likely i will drop her. I like good dancers

 

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I had a hardearned lesson today. I wasted a shitton of money today because i hadnt thought things through. I dont know how to fix it. I am 100% out of my depth

 

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Grateful not to have had sex, not to even have kissed. She started smoking and drinking like crazy.



The talk and all that, very fine but I was in no mood to go deeper. I could to for cheap sex, but honestly, it could be nice and then afterwards I would just have hated myself because my exwife has been saying shit like that she is in a burnout after I broke up with her and shit like that. That I did not give her a chance blablabla. I heard it all before. In this context I would not be disrespectful a.f. and outside of the context I simply wasnt interested enough in the girl.



From a SMV point of view one would say she had a lot lot going for her. All guys we met tried to approach her, like crazy, behaving shittily crazy , in a way i seldom see, all girls were acting crazy around her too, there was this one weird fetish +blue haired guy that was hot that also tried chasing the chick i was with crazy hard. It was just so obvious that it would be laughable. I simply let the guy have a chance., because honestly, either the girl would stick with me or not. And frankly, if she didnt, my ego would perhaps take a hit but my mind didnt really care. Anyway the chick i was with only had eyes for me but whatever. she was open to shortterm, longterm, kids etc. We flowed & vibed. But i just didnt feel the deeper connection or openness or anything interesting. Thinking of letting her down easy. Figured i had to give it a chance but that was it.



i was happy to be with and to talk to someone and just relax and laugh after such a day. So that was nice and I am grateful for the girl to have offered me that. But hell, drinking a shitton and smoking are such turnoffs for me. Chick needed to just call it a day but kept going instead. I think she has some serious issues, but so do I. However she told.me she has the same personality disorder my ex has, so i decided to call it a day and go home early.



Also.most importantly ofcourse.



I could not dance in a flow with her. It felt like all had to come from me, which became less and less. No fun. I did have some fun with pushpull, but honestly, too much a mismatch and i couldnt say what was causing it until she told.me.about her disorder

After some pushpull the chick tried to get me to kiss with her, but I 1) dont like kissing with smokers; 2) had decided beforehand i would not have sex and also not kiss.


Also the whole nightscene depresses me nowadays. The empty, shallow nature of it. Depressing a.f.

Feel like most is only social status, hornyness, quick fixes or like show based and that's simply not my scene anymore. If you would need alcohol at a place to enioy, it simply is not the right place

I used to like to be more alpha like at nightclubs and places, nowadays i dont even bother trying. First is the age difference, but more.importantly , it feels like a waste of energy. I just go for some introverted alpha/omega type of energy when with some chick or people i want to make view me in a certain way

 

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There is this emptyness and lack of trust almost nobody talks about. That comes from fucking many people and not going or keeping real relationships.
It's very real.. it's a kind if depression and egodestroying sensation.

Someone told me about suicides. They did not surprise me at all.

 

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Have had some time to kind of, get back into myself. I notice I don't like getting back to where I was and stuck in situations.

For the first time in a long time I had to work at making people act nicely to me. Usually I don't need to so hard anymore lately.

I am pretty exhausted and tired and finishing something for work tonight.

One of my friends is acting all weird. I think he somewhat hates me at this point, not sure though. More likely it has got less to do with me and more with the way he feels.

Some old crush that has been giving me mixed signals for ages is going hot and cold , but.more cold lately and I was watching a trend where she kept giving me signs she didnt invest in me like she used to. But i feel now she is upset i downloaded a dating app. But fuck that really. I gave her several chances to be clear and direct to me. She did not do it.
She asked me smth that i didnt read fridaynight, she cant just go and be upset and not talk to me. It doesnt work if she doesnt.

Okay my oneitis is taking over as you can see. But whatever

The point is. I decided to learn seduction again. I feel like a pro-noob if that's even possible for someone. So out of practice I rather destroy than create beautiful exchanges.

So much hate in me I can't see straight anymore and make anything ethereal and beautiful. It's just so many things that are eating me and taking a piece out of me.

 

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Oh funfact. I have decided to forego the whole guilt situation I had.

I havent been single for 5 years. Then I hadnt been able to enjoy single life for months and months out of oneitis and guilt. Now i think it's time to just enjoy single life for a while. I dont know when my next relationship will start; not happy or sad or not looking or looking for it. I mean, i still have oneitis if that would take off, it would and if not then not. In the meantime i have decided to go and enjoy life and people as it is.

honestly, the amount of outcome independence I currently have regarding love, sex and relationships would scare most people.

I am likely to explore the edged of the age range I gave myself green light for (-10 up to +10)

Most likely will have a date soon with some 9y younger chick and another with some 9y older chick. Dont know, need to set a date. Too busy and too much not in the mood for it right now. But i will, even if only to enjoy the agerange exploration and to challenge myself

The bigger challenge is to get myself into some kind of energy that I am missing. I am close to burnout most of the time lately. So that's kind of a challenge regarding actually enjoying things. Physical sex does give some stress relief, so perhaps should just forego the whole pickyness or fear of mental/emotional consequences and stuff.


Don't know. Fuck life really =)

 

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Tough day. Panic is high. Self esteem nonexistent. Normal social interactions hard. I have normal interactions go haywire. The whole thing with the ex is still shaking my world and axis. The comfort of having a relationship or some future security gone. I am in no war, yet i feel like i have to panic to survive. I am trying to fight it, but it's hard.

My emotions are spiralling badly. I have nobody i can truly rely on, i don't trust. Especially not real life.

My ex is blind to me.
My parents are unpredictable.
My sibling is not someone i want to try to rely on.
The girl I have oneitis for clearly doesnt want me, so I should not burden her with reliance. She tried telling me that in her terms/at moments. I am pulling away from her, because clearly the balance tipped from bad to worse.
My friends are nice, but busy themselves and not trustworthy on that level
The girls I slept with / sleep with are reliable but not something i want to foster into reliability, it's nowhere near that kind of relationship

I am in no place to do seduction, or even breath or do simple work stuff to satisfaction yet I need to man up and finish my work, such that my boss is satisfied. I hate the way he talked to me earlier. He assumes I am stupid or dont know how to tell him what he needs. I notice he doesnt value me the way he should. It's one of the reasons I am thinking of finding a new job.

He says he would value me if I would act more structured. But he has been raised in a world that doesnt function the way he wants it to. Yet, he does not wish me bad and I will take all his advice to heart to do and be better.

 

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Ok. So , writing it down helped.

Sed wise I am kind of facing reality. I need to get my inner stuff in order and allow more things to go bad or be worse than I think. Focus more on the process and less on the outcome. Yep that one.

It's tough but not impossible. Life is hard and we cant always be good or the best or even meet expectations of others. We can just do what we can do day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. In ruminating about outcomes or things that need to be or need to come, you do yourself a disservice. You dont need all those things you believe you need. I dont need all those things i believe i need. I do need to go step by step through life and all the things I want to do and slowly try to just take things second by second and minute by minute. It's tough and painful sometimes, but that's okay.

Edit: i notice i am trying to motivate myself by using the ego "yes i am good, yes i can do it" , i need to let go of that and simply continue what i believe and want. I think that's the challenge to reduce stress and reduce reliance on ego and validation

 

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Psychology says the rarest mental strength today isn't resilience or grit - it's the ability to sit with uncertainty without immediately seeking distraction, explanation, or someone else's opinion about what you should feel

There’s a moment most people recognise but rarely talk about. It’s the moment between something happening and knowing what it means. A test result you’re waiting for. A conversation that ended strangely. A relationship you can’t quite read. A career decision with no clear right answer. In that...

geediting.com

 

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I am still frustrated. It doesnt seem to stop, but I have decided to give up chasing. Nothing good ever came from chasing someone and nothing good will come of letting myself deeper into oneitis with a person that doesnt understand me or doesnt want to invest into me.

That said. I am tired. Extremely so. I had a "date" but it was crap. Before that i tried 3 chicks that would/should have been DTF but they all cancelled on me. One of them wants to meet me tomorrow. I could but not sure i want to. Already missed gym for some workstuff today. Did do 2x30min cardio though.

I hate it when girls go all needy, i felt the need and insecurity as soon as i met the girl at the doorstep. But that wasnt the real issue. I can handle needyness and insecurity, but i did not feel the spark or strength i needed to see to continue with the girl.
I notice i am still supersuperficial.

I tried giving the girl a chance, but my gut has been telling me from the start the girl is not for me

 

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Wrote this last night:

I feel.. worthless. It's kind of like a talent. Maybe all of my further posts will be like this and people will avoid it.

I am in a bind. I want to have sex, but not every girl does it for me.

I forced myself onto a date. The girl was nice but boring to me. I noticed i did not like the way she looked but wanted to give her a chance. I had dressed down, not up. Had messy hair. Gave me an out in a way. I met up with the girl, but she seemed to not really be into me. She had thought i would be much older i think. Had told me she thought meeting some elder man would be kinky. But she met me and i probably looked too close to her own age. I don't know.

I did not want her and was trying to convince myself to want her anyway to go for sex. But that obviously did not work very well. The stereotype i portrayed today was nerdy. I think if i had taken another she would have wanted more.
While waiting on the girl to come back from the toilet,
I saw a message from the woman i have oneitis for. And the girl i was with asked me what it was. I told her nothing. Tried to avoid answering. She told me my bodylanguage had been closed off and sad. I didnt really respond.

Anyway she rejected me soon after. Before that whole thing we had discussed workrelated stuff for an hour or so.

anyway she rejected me right to my face . And to make it worse she went in for a hug. I mean. Why do you hug me if you dont want me. Makes no sense.

But that's people for you. Make no sense.
I think I could have gamed her but was not enough in the mood myself and the girl was right. Should have just told her what was going on but was not in the right mood for it

 

[Skills]

Wrote this last night:

I feel.. worthless. It's kind of like a talent. Maybe all of my further posts will be like this and people will avoid it.

I am in a bind. I want to have sex, but not every girl does it for me.

I forced myself onto a date. The girl was nice but boring to me. I noticed i did not like the way she looked but wanted to give her a chance. I had dressed down, not up. Had messy hair. Gave me an out in a way. I met up with the girl, but she seemed to not really be into me. She had thought i would be much older i think. Had told me she thought meeting some elder man would be kinky. But she met me and i probably looked too close to her own age. I don't know.

I did not want her and was trying to convince myself to want her anyway to go for sex. But that obviously did not work very well. The stereotype i portrayed today was nerdy. I think if i had taken another she would have wanted more.
While waiting on the girl to come back from the toilet,
I saw a message from the woman i have oneitis for. And the girl i was with asked me what it was. I told her nothing. Tried to avoid answering. She told me my bodylanguage had been closed off and sad. I didnt really respond.

Anyway she rejected me soon after. Before that whole thing we had discussed workrelated stuff for an hour or so.

anyway she rejected me right to my face . And to make it worse she went in for a hug. I mean. Why do you hug me if you dont want me. Makes no sense.

But that's people for you. Make no sense.
I think I could have gamed her but was not enough in the mood myself and the girl was right. Should have just told her what was going on but was not in the right mood for it

Mirror don't go for girls you are not attracted to, does not have to be super models but you need to feel desire for them, they will feel it and you won't put much effort if you don't feel desire..... Question are you waking up with a boner in the morning (just to see if you sex drive still there).....

 

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@Skills my sex drive is all good, I swear. Just not the psychological side of it, but oneitis does that sometimes.

I am feeling like a crappy parent. I let my kid at her mom tonight, because i had some work to do. I hadnt needed to if I just worked less.

Anyway just a worknight. Chatted some with a girl that works on the same topic as me. I think i could have gamed her but didnt feel any drive to.

 

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I did not write for a while. Was too busy processing through some stuff. Am still in touch with my love I guess. Yeah i call her my love. Sue me.
If i am not mistaken she told me she doesnt want me to fuck around but she has no say in it right now, seeing as she did not choose to be with me in the now. Yes I am divorcing, but that should not matter . I mean, if someone wants you someone wants you. That's it.

I am getting a second fwb currently. Had some sex 1-2 weeks ago with the chick for the first time. It was ok. She matches my temperament and playful nature. It wasnt easy easy but that's good. I am pretty sure we will keep fucking but lets see whether that's true the next time I see her.

My first fwb is complex. I had to work on intimacy with her and I really am not sure whether it was a smart thing to do or not. In hindsight i feel manipulative. I hope that feeling lessens. The sex was OK, just too short but ok.

So am trying to get to the point that i can ring up the 2nd fwb anytime and just chill/relax but am afraid too of getting/developing feelings for her. But perhaps that wont happen. We did some light sm style stuff, want to see whether she would be willing to move it into more intense stuff, but for that i need to get the right mindset/mindspace myself.

 

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Okay. So it is landing. I was in some kind of crazy thought pattern where I thought anybody that got in touch with me could be her. A part of me believes she is scamming people while pretending to be someone else online. I believe she has been doing that for years by now. But the more likely solution for all my mental doubts is believing the people contacting me were taught by her or in touch with her, but not actually her, and some even not in contact with her. The people are starting to annoy me. I dont think i like most of them. I think many people dont really know me at all either. I am starting to put down stronger barriers. I dont like the way my life has been without her; but i also dont like the way it stays. She did a call last year. A call i interpreted to be a call to me. I came and she didnt pick me up on it. So now.. now what? Am I closing this chapter? I don't know. I am fucking with 2 girls. I hope I will keep fucking with them. They dont scratch my itch for her however. So that's confusing. I dont give away her spot. Why not? I don't know. I thought of starting to fuck another woman yesterday, she helped me out with some things yesterday. But every time i consider fucking her, my gut tells me it's not right. Not sure how long it will take and whether I am happy about that. I know she wants me to make a move. I wonder how long it will last.

Today i met a chick through some app. She wasnt my type. Walked some with her. Talked some business stuff with her. Was nice but she lied about her age on the app. That turned me off.

 

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I had sex last night, but i kept disconnecting. Feeling unsafe.

This morning, I am just thinking of the girl i fell for lately. I didnt tell the girl of last night i have been in love and hurt so recently (obviously?)

I feel a teensy cry response at the loss of the dream of being with the girl i fell for, this morning. I dont think I believe it just yet, but am trying to make myself accept it.

I tried to tell her, that i was broken, that i trusted her, that i needed her to invest in me and physically be with me. She didnt care. In the end she didnt care. She chose not to prioritize me. I accepted it but reluctantly decided to move on. Is it a miracle i dont trust people? Most i trusted have always hurt me. I know I have deep trauma.
I am running away from trusting women. Dont want to allow it to happen and give someone tools she doesnt deserve to have.

I believe sexually i can make someone lose her mind. But , to get there, someone needs to be willing to build with me and i need to be interested in her. That just doesnt happen easily.

 

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I have been feeling depressed, apathic and suicidal lately. somehow my social skills seem to have gotten to the degree that i manage to hide it for most people, but i worry someone will figure it out sometime, that i feel that way. that they need to pay attention to me and force me to acknowledge them or the feelings i am fighting.

I do occassionally manage to give the required output to people and to enjoy some stuff.. but most stuff not really. Am fighting hard to like.. keep functioning, but am wondering whether i should just give up functioning and worrying. whether that will fix the issue better than fighting it.