Maybe you could look for someone that you CAN share it with. Like a cute goth chick with black hair, black mascara, black lipstick, black clothes, black doc martins, and those scars?
Maybe you could try a therapist.
You're moving successfully through the GFTOW program but it's not working for you, or so it seems. And GTFOW is the medicine sold here. To a hammer every problem looks like a nail. (Pun not intended, but acknowledged).
Keep posting here - I think it's important to share with someone, although a PUA board is not qualified help for this.
Sounds good to me. I am thinking of using my mood to play fucked up psychological games.. god save my soul if i start to
Had a date via an app. I guess there is some progress.
We met up in some bar, the woman was very sociable. I had forgotten her age but she was actually older. That's something that did bother me.some, but i decided to forego it and just try to enjoy with her. Talked some. Turns out she had adhd, is bipolar and identifies as nonmonogagous and pan. She was a 8/10 i think on a good day and a 6/10 on a bad day. Which seems fine. She seemed somewhat into me in the beginning but later did lean in. I had some big sweater on so she couldnt really see or check my physique. We talked for 1.5hrs or so when i decided to start touching her inner hand and palm and she told.me she felt like going crazy when i touched her. I was starting to get quire sleepy and lazy and decided to hug her. I told her i felt like having/holding her close and pulled her to me.
We had had a good vibe going so (i am tired of writing maybe i will continue sometime later.
Anyway at some point it was getting late. I told her i wouldnt mind.more.cuddling and somehow we ended up going to her place for cuddling. Bad decision on my side. I loved it but it.kept.me up while i just wanted to sleep. I could feel she didnt want sex but we played around some.with pain, receiving giving, nd touch. I am so tired at this point. I just wanted to have sex at some point to.be honest. But being the good guy i am, i told.her we didnt need to have sex if she didnt feel like it, that it was up to her. She told.me.she wanted to just relax on bed. I am soooo tired but gonna sleep. But i feel so unfilfilled.
I like to pride myself orn tolerance, but i felt every one of her imperfectiond
Tired
Later
We met up in some bar, the woman was very sociable. I had forgotten her age but she was actually older. That's something that did bother me.some, but i decided to forego it and just try to enjoy with her. Talked some. Turns out she had adhd, is bipolar and identifies as nonmonogagous and pan. She was a 8/10 i think on a good day and a 6/10 on a bad day. Which seems fine. She seemed somewhat into me in the beginning but later did lean in. I had some big sweater on so she couldnt really see or check my physique. We talked for 1.5hrs or so when i decided to start touching her inner hand and palm and she told.me she felt like going crazy when i touched her. I was starting to get quire sleepy and lazy and decided to hug her. I told her i felt like having/holding her close and pulled her to me.
We had had a good vibe going so (i am tired of writing maybe i will continue sometime later.
Anyway at some point it was getting late. I told her i wouldnt mind.more.cuddling and somehow we ended up going to her place for cuddling. Bad decision on my side. I loved it but it.kept.me up while i just wanted to sleep. I could feel she didnt want sex but we played around some.with pain, receiving giving, nd touch. I am so tired at this point. I just wanted to have sex at some point to.be honest. But being the good guy i am, i told.her we didnt need to have sex if she didnt feel like it, that it was up to her. She told.me.she wanted to just relax on bed. I am soooo tired but gonna sleep. But i feel so unfilfilled.
I like to pride myself orn tolerance, but i felt every one of her imperfectiond
Tired
Later
Sounds like she could be good for an arrangement.
Perhaps you should have shared more with her: Particularly that "I just wanted to have sex at some point, to be honest." Why hide youself? Isn't that tiresome? Makes you more aware of her imperfections?
What little I know of you: your mental state is crying out for authenticity. Always being the good guy isn't helping you - or them.
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Double edged sword.. i like my partners to be into it and not like; feel like i tricked them into it
The double edged sword is authenticity. Lately i feel honesty equals authenticity, which it obviously doesnt fully .. ignoring imperfections does hinder the authenticity.. it has in the past for me. I am too aware to push away things i notice and too much of a good guy to mention them; or bad guy in a way, to not let it influence the flow of the situation; while it does influence me.
She told me she wants to keep seeing me. I told her I am not sure yet and will think it over.
To be honest; she has some issues that are red flags far and wide. I dig red flags perhaps because i like a thrill, but for an arrangement it is not a good idea. Dont want to be responsible for putting someone into depression, self-harm or worse.
I slept with another woman the day after. the sex was fine, but the moment i felt my body and mind started to feel i pulled away. Since the sex i havent been feeling sexual desire. Wondering when my drive will hit me again. It's trickling back slowly though.
Had another date yesterday. Felt like a player. The woman was making kissing eyes. I didnt want to. She told.me she was surprised she found me attractive. I just did not believe her. I don't think I am attractive at all. I realized I did not believe she could find me attractive. Maybe because she was not my type. Personality wise she was interesting i think we could have some good banter. She just smells and tastes like other woman i have had. Nothing crazy there. I just did not really feel any excitement to do more with her. Cognitively playing with her is fun, but emotionally/sexually I notice i am growing detached more and more. Had some panic the whole evening after. Clearly showing I am doing something wrong.
Sounds to me like your game is more than sharp enough to meet your desires.
This place is fairly limited in breadth of self-actualization. It seems quite good at moving men away from a scarcity of female attention and attraction. Supportive of other endeavors, but not the focus.
Maybe you want to focus on some other forms of self-improvement - martial arts, yoga, meditation, therapy, artistic work, body-building/physical culture, language/world travel, or maybe even focused attention on monetary wealth. Almost infinite the possibilities.
Plenty of directions you could take. You obviously have some abilities. It's up to you to choose where to go. Maybe some therapy could help you start moving.
This place is fairly limited in breadth of self-actualization. It seems quite good at moving men away from a scarcity of female attention and attraction. Supportive of other endeavors, but not the focus.
Maybe you want to focus on some other forms of self-improvement - martial arts, yoga, meditation, therapy, artistic work, body-building/physical culture, language/world travel, or maybe even focused attention on monetary wealth. Almost infinite the possibilities.
Plenty of directions you could take. You obviously have some abilities. It's up to you to choose where to go. Maybe some therapy could help you start moving.
I havent journalled for a while, have been busy going to meet girls. Am dating 5 rn, thinking of keeping them going. It brings me much more outcome independence and they all havent forced a define the relationship talk. So there is that. Also meeting new chicks from time to time. Wanna stop 2 of the 5 already, but i know i will give them a fair chance first before putting a stop to it.
Having a throbbing headache. Thought of not writing here, but figured part of my mental health/seduction challenge is to try to be authentic and still .. have some kind of game or whatever it is called. My own seductive persona by way of speaking. To dive deeper into my own kind of. So it means just going with the flow, since that's my way of doing stuff. Just writing what I need to.
Regarding the girls.
There is one i am trying some kind of pain-pushpull stuff with. That's the one that is older than me and i notice i am getting more addictive feelings.
One is an old friend that happened to be a girl of mine that i have been in contact with for years. Being with her feels like i am in the good parts of the relationship.. more ORE than NRE. She meets quite some checklist items of mine so I am not sure what to do about it.
One seemed promising at first, like i felt the excitement and wanted to get close. But during trying to have sex I just lost it. She didnt seem into it as much. Has some bisexuality+queerness going on, bipolar etc. The bipolarity is a huge red flag for me. Actually am thinking I should put a stop to it. But.my curious part just wants to take it further, while my subconscious knows it shouldnt. Objectively the chick has pros and cons. Not sure what wins out most. Good figure, hair, eyes and stuff. Bad skin.
Third is some humanities high school teacher , she is nice and extremely direct. She wouldnt be my type, except i love the bluntness. She reminds me of my mom and that's a good and bad thing. There is a lot of dynamic and energy, but i dont find her visually that appealing. It's interesting from a seduction point of view and to see the dynamic work out.
Having a throbbing headache. Thought of not writing here, but figured part of my mental health/seduction challenge is to try to be authentic and still .. have some kind of game or whatever it is called. My own seductive persona by way of speaking. To dive deeper into my own kind of. So it means just going with the flow, since that's my way of doing stuff. Just writing what I need to.
Regarding the girls.
There is one i am trying some kind of pain-pushpull stuff with. That's the one that is older than me and i notice i am getting more addictive feelings.
One is an old friend that happened to be a girl of mine that i have been in contact with for years. Being with her feels like i am in the good parts of the relationship.. more ORE than NRE. She meets quite some checklist items of mine so I am not sure what to do about it.
One seemed promising at first, like i felt the excitement and wanted to get close. But during trying to have sex I just lost it. She didnt seem into it as much. Has some bisexuality+queerness going on, bipolar etc. The bipolarity is a huge red flag for me. Actually am thinking I should put a stop to it. But.my curious part just wants to take it further, while my subconscious knows it shouldnt. Objectively the chick has pros and cons. Not sure what wins out most. Good figure, hair, eyes and stuff. Bad skin.
Third is some humanities high school teacher , she is nice and extremely direct. She wouldnt be my type, except i love the bluntness. She reminds me of my mom and that's a good and bad thing. There is a lot of dynamic and energy, but i dont find her visually that appealing. It's interesting from a seduction point of view and to see the dynamic work out.
I am meeting with one of them again today. The only one i felt slightly addicted to, but notice i dont actually care today/right now. Feel unwell. Another one i tried to put a stop to. She just was like "i want to keep seeing you however long it takes"
Need to take a std test. Have been postponing it. Was thinking today, but tomorrow might be better.
Need to take a std test. Have been postponing it. Was thinking today, but tomorrow might be better.
My no orgasm spree is still going strong
I feel like nobody wants to care. Every time someone could go deeper, i feel like i need to hold back. See whether the other wants to go deeper and concluding people dont want to truly care or go deeper.
I try to, for others
But it's hard.
I am not used to allowing people to rely on me. I already have had overreliance from my parents, from my sibling.
Someone once told me i was the parent instead of the child in my relation with them.. i think it was true.. but then i had to run away because even that did not work out.
Most people dont realize what toxicity is. Most people just live some shallow life full of assumptions and with little depth
I need the depth to function. I think i need to put a stop to the girls i was seeing. It's not helping. I dont want to continue with most of them for sure. Some aint deep enough, the one of today, she avoids depth. I see it clear as day and cant pinpoint why , i could bring her to depth but i dont know whether i want to risk it and am willing to do it when i see selfishness and doubt her capacity for it ; some wont be mentally strong enough , the bipolar one.. ; one has too much baggage and has had in the past a very different rhythm thab me but is very smart. ; one has the emotional depth but barely any experience and not enough intelligence on a more rational level; then the last is a mix between a little bit of both too little but clearly a lot of deep experience. She actually humbles me a bit with her experience, but she totally cant relate to me either. Our personalities differ.
Also the girl i fell for, i told her i am seeing others. She either has other stuff going on, but my gut tells me she aint taking it well. But i also dont want to lie to her. Dont want to pretend with her. If it's bound to work.. or to be smth, she will need to be able to handle the truth.. but that also is the same for me.. and lets be honest. If she sees someone, i wanna make things burn , be angry, rage .. just to not face the hurt
I wanna fuck myself into ignorance and unattachedness when i feel that way. To not care and not be reliant
But maybe that's just me. Maybe she doesnt care.
For now i think i am going to just ride it some, for the time being. Dont want to meet new girls, but i should probably. Just cant convince myself
I feel like nobody wants to care. Every time someone could go deeper, i feel like i need to hold back. See whether the other wants to go deeper and concluding people dont want to truly care or go deeper.
I try to, for others
But it's hard.
I am not used to allowing people to rely on me. I already have had overreliance from my parents, from my sibling.
Someone once told me i was the parent instead of the child in my relation with them.. i think it was true.. but then i had to run away because even that did not work out.
Most people dont realize what toxicity is. Most people just live some shallow life full of assumptions and with little depth
I need the depth to function. I think i need to put a stop to the girls i was seeing. It's not helping. I dont want to continue with most of them for sure. Some aint deep enough, the one of today, she avoids depth. I see it clear as day and cant pinpoint why , i could bring her to depth but i dont know whether i want to risk it and am willing to do it when i see selfishness and doubt her capacity for it ; some wont be mentally strong enough , the bipolar one.. ; one has too much baggage and has had in the past a very different rhythm thab me but is very smart. ; one has the emotional depth but barely any experience and not enough intelligence on a more rational level; then the last is a mix between a little bit of both too little but clearly a lot of deep experience. She actually humbles me a bit with her experience, but she totally cant relate to me either. Our personalities differ.
Also the girl i fell for, i told her i am seeing others. She either has other stuff going on, but my gut tells me she aint taking it well. But i also dont want to lie to her. Dont want to pretend with her. If it's bound to work.. or to be smth, she will need to be able to handle the truth.. but that also is the same for me.. and lets be honest. If she sees someone, i wanna make things burn , be angry, rage .. just to not face the hurt
I wanna fuck myself into ignorance and unattachedness when i feel that way. To not care and not be reliant
But maybe that's just me. Maybe she doesnt care.
For now i think i am going to just ride it some, for the time being. Dont want to meet new girls, but i should probably. Just cant convince myself
Mirror, sounds like your social life has plenty of options for you - but maybe not the one you would want.
If you feel that multiples are necessary for you to be you, then being truthful is best. But it also means there will be plenty of otherwise fine life companions that will next on the option. Just not what they want/need.
If you feel that multiples are necessary for you to be you, then being truthful is best. But it also means there will be plenty of otherwise fine life companions that will next on the option. Just not what they want/need.