Dividing Your Focus: One Special Girl + Picking Up


Staff member
Oct 9, 2012
Hey fellas,

I've been going through some of the posts on Beginners, and talking to a few friends recently about girls they're trying to get back. I'm planning on doing a post on this sometime soon on my overall philosophy on cutting contact, as a few guys have asked for some expansion on that and I think it'll be an enjoyable post to write.

Anyway, quick note (and one I'll likely include in that post), but I wanted to point out that there's a major "mental focus" difference between when you're TOTALLY single, and when you're trying to get back some girl / maintain an ongoing relationship with some girl AND keep picking up.

What you'll find is, when you're devoting mental cycles to thinking about your girlfriend / ex-girlfriend / some special girl you're trying to get, it markedly dampens your drive to meet new women and diverts a lot of your focus to her. This makes you far less likely to give the kind of follow-through and persistence needed to close a lot of deals with girls, and it dampens your appeal to women too, because you come across a lot less driven and determined.

However, there's a benefit going the other way: when you've got a special girl but you're still out there interacting with other women, trying to meet other women, and at least somewhat open to other women, this helps balance out some of the testosterone loss that long term committed relationships cause and allows you to remain more in control of your emotions and your relationship than you otherwise would.

So, the effect generally is:

  • On pick up: you do MUCH better when totally single and not worrying about getting some girl back or maintaining a relationship
  • On relationships: here you do better when NOT 100% committed and still expending at least some mental energy to getting more girls or planning to get more girls

Plan accordingly for what results you most want (better at pickup, or better at a particular relationship).



Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Dec 20, 2012
I've always wondered how you juggled things. Looking forward to it!