Frustrated with spouse

[Boom_1982]

Hi, I've been married for 12 years now and I'm truly feeling disgusted and frustrated about my relationship. Please see details below and suggest help.

My wife and I must have had sex <10 times during this time. I know it's abnormal but she's never interested in sex. Her type is shy/innocent + religious and conservative type. We have frequent arguments and I'm forced to keep quiet otherwise things wil ll take ugly turn. She has resorted to hitting, abusing and breaking my things such as office equipment to teach me lesson because she knows that I love my office equipment and best way to teach me lesson and make me obey her is to break things that are closer to me. I can't even defend myself when she's hitting me because she then pretends that I was trying to hit her.

She has distanced me from my parents and friends. I think 100 times before saying a word to her and proactively analyze what consequences would be. I'm afraid of leaving her because I worry that she will create a scene at my work. I sometimes think she has BPD and anger mgmt issues

 

[topcat]

Hi, I've been married for 12 years now and I'm truly feeling disgusted and frustrated about my relationship. Please see details below and suggest help.

My wife and I must have had sex <10 times during this time. I know it's abnormal but she's never interested in sex. Her type is shy/innocent + religious and conservative type. We have frequent arguments and I'm forced to keep quiet otherwise things wil ll take ugly turn. She has resorted to hitting, abusing and breaking my things such as office equipment to teach me lesson because she knows that I love my office equipment and best way to teach me lesson and make me obey her is to break things that are closer to me. I can't even defend myself when she's hitting me because she then pretends that I was trying to hit her.

She has distanced me from my parents and friends. I think 100 times before saying a word to her and proactively analyze what consequences would be. I'm afraid of leaving her because I worry that she will create a scene at my work. I sometimes think she has BPD and anger mgmt issues

!!!!!!! you need to get out my friend.

Definitely a BPD situation here. Have you seen the articles on the site about cluster b? If not, check them out.

Beyond that I couldn’t advise you, but somebody here may be able to.

 

[topcat]

see this https://www.girlschase.com/article/...rderline-personality-disorder-you-must-escape

 

[Boom_1982]

Thanks

!!!!!!! you need to get out my friend.

Definitely a BPD situation here. Have you seen the articles on the site about cluster b? If not, check them out.

Beyond that I couldn’t advise you, but somebody here may be able to.

Thanks and I thought so too. FYI, I know her since college days and she was known for her temper. I must also mention that situation must have been complicated by the fact that I never loved her and never paid any attention to her. I do night shifts so we live different sleep cycle as well and I feel lucky doing night shifts in such situations

 

[Orgasmatron]

Hey man,

I would echo what @topcat has said.

Sounds like BPD.

If she's isolating you from anyone who might provide you with an objective perspective on her behaviour then that's a sign. Also, does she go totally mental over the slightest thing and stays like that for hours, whilst you feel you have no option but to ride it out? Sounds like it from what you've said about her violence.

I was married to a BPD girl for 4 years and in a relationship with her for 8. Seriously, you need to get out. Best thing I ever did was leave.

I found good support here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/

And if you read these books you might find them helpful too. They are all pretty short:

• Could Your Spouse Have Borderline Personality Disorder?
• BPD from the Husband's POV
• Married to Borderline Personality Disorder

If you feel lucky to be doing night shifts because you don't have to spend time with her, then that should tell you everything you need to know about what your next move should be.

Good luck

 

[Boom_1982]

Hey man,

I would echo what @topcat has said.

Sounds like BPD.

If she's isolating you from anyone who might provide you with an objective perspective on her behaviour then that's a sign. Also, does she go totally mental over the slightest thing and stays like that for hours, whilst you feel you have no option but to ride it out? Sounds like it from what you've said about her violence.

I was married to a BPD girl for 4 years and in a relationship with her for 8. Seriously, you need to get out. Best thing I ever did was leave.

I found good support here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/

And if you read these books you might find them helpful too. They are all pretty short:

• Could Your Spouse Have Borderline Personality Disorder?
• BPD from the Husband's POV
• Married to Borderline Personality Disorder

If you feel lucky to be doing night shifts because you don't have to spend time with her, then that should tell you everything you need to know about what your next move should be.

Good luck

Thanks for such great response and yes the situation is bad because my brain is always in damage control mode. Not sure what I’d say that can irk her anger. It’s difficult to get out of marriage in India man and she’s financially dependent on me so it makes it worse for me to leave. I’ll read the content you’ve referenced. Thanks a lot

 

[Will_V]

Thanks

Thanks and I thought so too. FYI, I know her since college days and she was known for her temper. I must also mention that situation must have been complicated by the fact that I never loved her and never paid any attention to her. I do night shifts so we live different sleep cycle as well and I feel lucky doing night shifts in such situations

Surprise that no one has pointed out that this is a spectacular mistake on your part. What do you expect from a woman who you never loved, never paid any attention to and only come awake when she falls asleep?

Any woman with any character at all is going to be viciously unhappy in a situation like that, and for good reason. It's up to you as the leader of the relationship to either give her what she needs or cut her loose so she can find it elsewhere.

There are very, very few women in the world who cannot be good women when they are managed properly by a man who knows his shit, doesn't put up with bs, dominates her in and out of bed and gives her the love and attention every woman needs to thrive. Because it's what every woman badly wants. But being trapped in a marriage with a cold, avoidant man? Enough to make any woman go beserk.

Sounds like this situation is as much a result of your actions as hers. I suggest you be the first to take control of it.

 

[Boom_1982]

Hey man,

I would echo what @topcat has said.

Sounds like BPD.

If she's isolating you from anyone who might provide you with an objective perspective on her behaviour then that's a sign. Also, does she go totally mental over the slightest thing and stays like that for hours, whilst you feel you have no option but to ride it out? Sounds like it from what you've said about her violence.

I was married to a BPD girl for 4 years and in a relationship with her for 8. Seriously, you need to get out. Best thing I ever did was leave.

I found good support here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/

And if you read these books you might find them helpful too. They are all pretty short:

• Could Your Spouse Have Borderline Personality Disorder?
• BPD from the Husband's POV
• Married to Borderline Personality Disorder

If you feel lucky to be doing night shifts because you don't have to spend time with her, then that should tell you everything you need to know about what your next move should be.

Good luck

How did you feel as husband? Did you feel that your mental health was deteriorating because of relationship. I sometimes feel it.

Is taking revenge from loved ones another BPD symptom?

How did you execute your separation? Was it mutual or you just decided to pack your bags and leave? Did she try to chase you and damage your reputation post that?

I tried leaving her once and came to know that she had stopped eating. Neighbors called me to inquire my whereabouts because she was getting into bad state.

Hey man,

I would echo what @topcat has said.

Sounds like BPD.

If she's isolating you from anyone who might provide you with an objective perspective on her behaviour then that's a sign. Also, does she go totally mental over the slightest thing and stays like that for hours, whilst you feel you have no option but to ride it out? Sounds like it from what you've said about her violence.

I was married to a BPD girl for 4 years and in a relationship with her for 8. Seriously, you need to get out. Best thing I ever did was leave.

I found good support here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/

And if you read these books you might find them helpful too. They are all pretty short:

• Could Your Spouse Have Borderline Personality Disorder?
• BPD from the Husband's POV
• Married to Borderline Personality Disorder

If you feel lucky to be doing night shifts because you don't have to spend time with her, then that should tell you everything you need to know about what your next move should be.

Good luck

 

[Boom_1982]

Surprise that no one has pointed out that this is a spectacular mistake on your part. What do you expect from a woman who you never loved, never paid any attention to and only come awake when she falls asleep?

Any woman with any character at all is going to be viciously unhappy in a situation like that, and for good reason. It's up to you as the leader of the relationship to either give her what she needs or cut her loose so she can find it elsewhere.

There are very, very few women in the world who cannot be good women when they are managed properly by a man who knows his shit, doesn't put up with bs, dominates her in and out of bed and gives her the love and attention every woman needs to thrive. Because it's what every woman badly wants. But being trapped in a marriage with a cold, avoidant man? Enough to make any woman go beserk.

Sounds like this situation is as much a result of your actions as hers. I suggest you be the first to take control of it.

I agree with you and spent sometime thinking about it however no do not think that the current situation I am going through has anything to do with my lack of attention towards her. For e.g. She is in a conflict situation with one of her perceived close friends however feeling is not reciprocated from other side. I tried helping her out and was in turn accused of further deteriorating the situation. I feel miserable now.

 

[Will_V]

Sorry if my comment came off a bit rough. When a relationship goes bad it's often hard to tell what started it and what is just a result of the damage already done. But in my experience it always takes one person taking control and responsibility first without waiting for the other. Should you wait for your wife to lead the way out or do it yourself? Only you can say. All the best!

 

[Boom_1982]

Sorry if my comment came off a bit rough. When a relationship goes bad it's often hard to tell what started it and what is just a result of the damage already done. But in my experience it always takes one person taking control and responsibility first without waiting for the other. Should you wait for your wife to lead the way out or do it yourself? Only you can say. All the best!

Thanks Will and and I should do it. I'm currently taking opinion on how other forum members have done this because my action will have consequences including social shaming and legal.

 

[Orgasmatron]

How did you feel as husband? Did you feel that your mental health was deteriorating because of relationship. I sometimes feel it.

Is taking revenge from loved ones another BPD symptom?

How did you execute your separation? Was it mutual or you just decided to pack your bags and leave? Did she try to chase you and damage your reputation post that?

I tried leaving her once and came to know that she had stopped eating. Neighbors called me to inquire my whereabouts because she was getting into bad state.

Felt like everything I did would be wrong no matter what. Yes, my mental health was very bad toward the end.

Revenge could be something that happens. If she has BPD then everything is seen in black and white, so you are either the best person ever, or the worst.

I left and stayed with my brother for a few days. In some ways it was mutual, I went back to try to fix things after staying away for a few days, but she clearly didn't want me there and I didn't want to be there anymore. There was another fight and then I left for good.

She would likely do something, such as stop eating, to try to get you to come back. Also, she'll blame you for her choosing to not eat.

At the end of the day, you have to do what is the best thing for you. You are not responsible for anyone else's actions.

 

[Boom_1982]

Thanks man

 

[Boom_1982]

Thanks man and food for ya that she didn't want you. I'm treading towards similar situation. She tells me sometimes to get lost and never return for good. I guess I could use that opportunity

 

[Rakehell]

Not to undermine anyone else here,
but before we make any diagnoses lets try changing some behavior first.

12 years is a long time to be married; although she’s religious, most girls have a sexual appetite. You just have to seduce them.

With this in mind what’s your seduction process like?

(since you’re frustrated with her behavior its safe to assume you have some malingering disgust correct? she can probably feel this if so)

On those times you did have sex what happened prior to the actual sex. Also what was the sex like?

You pointed out a couple things so I don’t want to overload you with questions or advice before knowing your situation exactly.

I also know for one that submitting to a girl’s tyranny is a major douse to whatever horniness she feels.

This can further fuel her anger because she’s not having sex.

There are no quick fixes but one quick fix I can think of is stop taking her so seriously

I guarantee if it came down to it, and she had to find a replacement, she’d start acting right fast for that guy.

The behaviors there you just have to find it again (think of before you got married),

Peace

 

[Fuck This]

1) Get Professional help. Meet alone the first couple times, then invite her . If she does not get on board, drop the D-Bomb. Don't threaten, don't negotiate. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/modes/marriage-counseling

2) don't be afraid to be alone

3) don't let it happen again.

 

[Boom_1982]

Thanks all for your suggestions band it's been of great help. I'm working on future course of action