Hi All - been dating a Korean girl for a couple of months now. We hit it off on our first date, had a ONS and a whirlwind romance ensued.
Things have been great. She’s very submissive, makes herself available to me at all times and is very easy going and genuine. She is extremely stable and never asks me for more attention. We share similar values and also have great chemistry together both physically (we have sex every time we meet) and personality wise. I would say I have higher status to her relative to education, career, socio-economic, family and life experiences (travel and dating). Her parents are giving her lots of pressure to get married (were both 29) and even suggested she marry a chinese guy (which i am).
I was in full control of the relationship early on, but a few things have happened that I think may have caused the power dynamic to start to shift. I’m curious if you guys agree or if it’s all in my head. And what the best course of go forward action would be.
1. I’m becoming more emotionally invested in her and needy. I think this transcends through all of the items below. I have been spending a lot of time with her (both in the US and in Korea, which we both recently visited) and have been texting her regularly since leaving Korea. I’ve been checking up on what she’s doing and generally playing it cool, but I feel that it’s coming from a place of need and insecurity. Korean girls generally really like attention from their BFs, but she she is not a big phone person / texter so she could be an exception. So far she’s been very responsive and willing to continue texting. She told me she turns all her notifications off except for mine so knows when I text.
2. She loves drinking. She doesn’t like to party but enjoys alcohol a lot (one of her main hobbies). Early on, I told her she’s free to do what she wants but I prefer if she drinks less. She promised me that she would never get drunk without me - although I’m not sure how one can maintain this...
In front of me, she will sometimes go for a drink or two. She’ll ask if I want more but never push it and also ask if it’s OK for her to drink. She often tells me that she hasn’t had a drink in multiple days when asking for one. She comes from a very patriarchal upbringing. On nights when I want to drink heavily, she’ll rarely say no and can handle up to 8 drinks. We had a mini social gathering in Korea and she led the table in drinking speed. Generally, I would guess she drinks 3-4 times a week with 1-2 glasses of wine, but with the ability to drink more.
She’s in Korea for another week and will be drinking with friends, which makes me insecure and worry, causing me to check up on her. I think she may have picked up on this and she’s been volunteering lots of pictures of where she’s been and what she’s been doing. Back in the US, she often drinks alone and doesn’t go out much.
She told me she has a low partner count (4 - but she did have a ONS with me), has never cheated (and takes it seriously), and also generally doesn’t really meet with guy friends. She’s also part of a wine club that meets monthly and she’s been on a few dates from guys there. But the focus is supposed to be on the wine - and she wanted me to come to a session to see. She generally seems to be very infatuated with me and has told me she loves me when I was on the verge of ending it for something else.
But it still makes me uneasy because of how much she loves to drink. Having read lots of the articles here, I wonder if she’ll make a mistake one day when she’s drunk - maybe not now or in a year, but maybe when things get rough. And the drinking could get worse if we get married. But then again, I don’t think she is a party girl. And she keeps a private low profile instagram too.
So I feel there are a few options and I’m not sure which to take:
- Set more boundaries on drinking - with who, when, etc - but I feel this is too controlling and will make me seem insecure and have her lose more respect for me
- Give her an ultimatum with respect to the above; if she cannot accept then we break up (i.e. screening her out). I really do like this girl but I also know I have other options and I am dating down by being with her
- Trust her completely until proven otherwise - this would likely make me seem the most secure and in control... but I do get insecure about the matter and it doesn’t solve the drinking problem / risk
- Express my distaste for heavy drinking in social settings and remind her if she makes a an unforgivable mistake I will be gone instantly
3. In Korea, I saw her and another guy stick out their hands towards each other, hold each other’s hands, then wave mildly in a left and right fashion as she said thank you to him for a favor. I was unaccustomed to this (being from the US) and asked her to explain what it was, who she did it with, what the customs were, etc multiple times. She said it’s common to do it with male friends - but others told me this is only common for close friends.
I got a little concerned because she has painted herself as a very conservative person but I was wondering if she was actually a big flirt.
Anyway, it’s basically the Korean equivalent of a hug which is no big deal but I brought it up multiple times and I wonder if she thinks i’m an insecure or jealous person. She explained she doesn’t really have make acquaintances and is only friends with someone if they are close. I never said i wasn’t okay with it, just that it seemed weird to me at first and wanted to understand the custom better. Now that I understand it I don’t give a shit although I never said that to her explicitly. She had remarked that she is a very simple person whereas I tend to over think and over analyze. Which is true.
4. I got very mad at her over a harmless lie she told (I confronted her and caught her lying, but it was not a malicious lie); and then I apologized later on for overreacting and also wrote a letter to explain exactly why I overreacted. I know this site talks about not apologizing, and I worry that I lost some frame in doing so. This was also after she apologized profusely and stayed up late writing me multiple letters explaining her side. I did feel bad that she went through a lot and this was also happening as she was flying to Korea.
5. She found out I had been talking about her to a girl I used to date and had sex with. She got upset and said she was ok for me to keep in touch as long as we don’t talk about her. I said ok and that i’m happy to compromise since i get why it’s weird and since i don’t care about the girl anyway.
6. She has a very hard time saying no to people. So i pressed her on this and asked if she would say no to a guy who asked her to cheat, etc. I explained that I dated a girl like this in the past and ended up walking away for a variety of reasons. She said not to worry as she’s very firm about important things such as cheating.
7. I spent a few hundred bucks on her for hotels for us in Korea (her share would be a few hundred bucks). I haven’t invested in her like that in the past (we’ve split hotels 50/50)... But I also did so selfishly as it was vacation and birthday for me. I usually don’t spend this much but it is something I can afford. She never said thanks initially (but also because she really doesn’t care about materialistic things nor did she ask for this), but when I reminded her (in a fatherly way) she did say thank you.
She still made herself very available (she kept her entire schedule open for me in Korea, rather than hanging with her family or friends) and is still very submissive / willing to please. She also has invested a lot monetarily in me (gifts, food, etc) - way more than other girls I have dated. Prior to the trip she asked if I had any interest in attending her sisters wedding, which i declined. And in Korea she had subtly suggested going to her family’s place, which I declined. She often asks me why I like her (lol). I noticed some subtle signs of her showing less respect (teasing me with other names in Korean), but that also could be because she is getting more comfortable. Also she asked, are there not other friends you wanted to see in Korea?
I would really appreciate your perspective on how to handle the drinking problem and also my general anxiety and insecurity in the relationship. And whether or not you think the power may be shifting (and how to stop it).
I’ve had a lot of success bedding women recently but haven’t been in a relationship in many years - so I am pretty inexperienced with these.
The drinking bothers me but I also wonder if it’s more of a me issue than a her issue - what do you guys think? Am i just being insecure? I have had similar feelings in past relationships but I think it’s worse here given her affinity for alcohol. She doesn’t go out regularly and is generally a quiet and introverted person.
And do you think the events above are dealbreakers for the power shift? Is this salvageable or am I just in my head? The problem is I don’t have that abundance mentality since I am emotionally attached and investing in her and since I don’t have any intent to cheat. I know I could date and sleep with other girls in my phone right away but it doesn’t seem to help.
Usually it’s the girl who starts a lot of the drama and in this case I feel like it’s me... which doesn’t feel great.
My gut tells me its to focus on my own purpose as a man and also pull back the investment. I think paying for the hotels was a bit too much and I now regret that. Something cheaper would have been OK.
I think I wouldn’t care as much if I was cheating but that feels wrong. So for all the guys who are in committed monogamous relationships, how do you control your feelings?
Things have been great. She’s very submissive, makes herself available to me at all times and is very easy going and genuine. She is extremely stable and never asks me for more attention. We share similar values and also have great chemistry together both physically (we have sex every time we meet) and personality wise. I would say I have higher status to her relative to education, career, socio-economic, family and life experiences (travel and dating). Her parents are giving her lots of pressure to get married (were both 29) and even suggested she marry a chinese guy (which i am).
I was in full control of the relationship early on, but a few things have happened that I think may have caused the power dynamic to start to shift. I’m curious if you guys agree or if it’s all in my head. And what the best course of go forward action would be.
1. I’m becoming more emotionally invested in her and needy. I think this transcends through all of the items below. I have been spending a lot of time with her (both in the US and in Korea, which we both recently visited) and have been texting her regularly since leaving Korea. I’ve been checking up on what she’s doing and generally playing it cool, but I feel that it’s coming from a place of need and insecurity. Korean girls generally really like attention from their BFs, but she she is not a big phone person / texter so she could be an exception. So far she’s been very responsive and willing to continue texting. She told me she turns all her notifications off except for mine so knows when I text.
2. She loves drinking. She doesn’t like to party but enjoys alcohol a lot (one of her main hobbies). Early on, I told her she’s free to do what she wants but I prefer if she drinks less. She promised me that she would never get drunk without me - although I’m not sure how one can maintain this...
In front of me, she will sometimes go for a drink or two. She’ll ask if I want more but never push it and also ask if it’s OK for her to drink. She often tells me that she hasn’t had a drink in multiple days when asking for one. She comes from a very patriarchal upbringing. On nights when I want to drink heavily, she’ll rarely say no and can handle up to 8 drinks. We had a mini social gathering in Korea and she led the table in drinking speed. Generally, I would guess she drinks 3-4 times a week with 1-2 glasses of wine, but with the ability to drink more.
She’s in Korea for another week and will be drinking with friends, which makes me insecure and worry, causing me to check up on her. I think she may have picked up on this and she’s been volunteering lots of pictures of where she’s been and what she’s been doing. Back in the US, she often drinks alone and doesn’t go out much.
She told me she has a low partner count (4 - but she did have a ONS with me), has never cheated (and takes it seriously), and also generally doesn’t really meet with guy friends. She’s also part of a wine club that meets monthly and she’s been on a few dates from guys there. But the focus is supposed to be on the wine - and she wanted me to come to a session to see. She generally seems to be very infatuated with me and has told me she loves me when I was on the verge of ending it for something else.
But it still makes me uneasy because of how much she loves to drink. Having read lots of the articles here, I wonder if she’ll make a mistake one day when she’s drunk - maybe not now or in a year, but maybe when things get rough. And the drinking could get worse if we get married. But then again, I don’t think she is a party girl. And she keeps a private low profile instagram too.
So I feel there are a few options and I’m not sure which to take:
- Set more boundaries on drinking - with who, when, etc - but I feel this is too controlling and will make me seem insecure and have her lose more respect for me
- Give her an ultimatum with respect to the above; if she cannot accept then we break up (i.e. screening her out). I really do like this girl but I also know I have other options and I am dating down by being with her
- Trust her completely until proven otherwise - this would likely make me seem the most secure and in control... but I do get insecure about the matter and it doesn’t solve the drinking problem / risk
- Express my distaste for heavy drinking in social settings and remind her if she makes a an unforgivable mistake I will be gone instantly
3. In Korea, I saw her and another guy stick out their hands towards each other, hold each other’s hands, then wave mildly in a left and right fashion as she said thank you to him for a favor. I was unaccustomed to this (being from the US) and asked her to explain what it was, who she did it with, what the customs were, etc multiple times. She said it’s common to do it with male friends - but others told me this is only common for close friends.
I got a little concerned because she has painted herself as a very conservative person but I was wondering if she was actually a big flirt.
Anyway, it’s basically the Korean equivalent of a hug which is no big deal but I brought it up multiple times and I wonder if she thinks i’m an insecure or jealous person. She explained she doesn’t really have make acquaintances and is only friends with someone if they are close. I never said i wasn’t okay with it, just that it seemed weird to me at first and wanted to understand the custom better. Now that I understand it I don’t give a shit although I never said that to her explicitly. She had remarked that she is a very simple person whereas I tend to over think and over analyze. Which is true.
4. I got very mad at her over a harmless lie she told (I confronted her and caught her lying, but it was not a malicious lie); and then I apologized later on for overreacting and also wrote a letter to explain exactly why I overreacted. I know this site talks about not apologizing, and I worry that I lost some frame in doing so. This was also after she apologized profusely and stayed up late writing me multiple letters explaining her side. I did feel bad that she went through a lot and this was also happening as she was flying to Korea.
5. She found out I had been talking about her to a girl I used to date and had sex with. She got upset and said she was ok for me to keep in touch as long as we don’t talk about her. I said ok and that i’m happy to compromise since i get why it’s weird and since i don’t care about the girl anyway.
6. She has a very hard time saying no to people. So i pressed her on this and asked if she would say no to a guy who asked her to cheat, etc. I explained that I dated a girl like this in the past and ended up walking away for a variety of reasons. She said not to worry as she’s very firm about important things such as cheating.
7. I spent a few hundred bucks on her for hotels for us in Korea (her share would be a few hundred bucks). I haven’t invested in her like that in the past (we’ve split hotels 50/50)... But I also did so selfishly as it was vacation and birthday for me. I usually don’t spend this much but it is something I can afford. She never said thanks initially (but also because she really doesn’t care about materialistic things nor did she ask for this), but when I reminded her (in a fatherly way) she did say thank you.
She still made herself very available (she kept her entire schedule open for me in Korea, rather than hanging with her family or friends) and is still very submissive / willing to please. She also has invested a lot monetarily in me (gifts, food, etc) - way more than other girls I have dated. Prior to the trip she asked if I had any interest in attending her sisters wedding, which i declined. And in Korea she had subtly suggested going to her family’s place, which I declined. She often asks me why I like her (lol). I noticed some subtle signs of her showing less respect (teasing me with other names in Korean), but that also could be because she is getting more comfortable. Also she asked, are there not other friends you wanted to see in Korea?
I would really appreciate your perspective on how to handle the drinking problem and also my general anxiety and insecurity in the relationship. And whether or not you think the power may be shifting (and how to stop it).
I’ve had a lot of success bedding women recently but haven’t been in a relationship in many years - so I am pretty inexperienced with these.
The drinking bothers me but I also wonder if it’s more of a me issue than a her issue - what do you guys think? Am i just being insecure? I have had similar feelings in past relationships but I think it’s worse here given her affinity for alcohol. She doesn’t go out regularly and is generally a quiet and introverted person.
And do you think the events above are dealbreakers for the power shift? Is this salvageable or am I just in my head? The problem is I don’t have that abundance mentality since I am emotionally attached and investing in her and since I don’t have any intent to cheat. I know I could date and sleep with other girls in my phone right away but it doesn’t seem to help.
Usually it’s the girl who starts a lot of the drama and in this case I feel like it’s me... which doesn’t feel great.
My gut tells me its to focus on my own purpose as a man and also pull back the investment. I think paying for the hotels was a bit too much and I now regret that. Something cheaper would have been OK.
I think I wouldn’t care as much if I was cheating but that feels wrong. So for all the guys who are in committed monogamous relationships, how do you control your feelings?
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