FU  Girl Becomes Uninterested During Date. Not Sure Where Went Wrong

vicknick

Space Monkey
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Oct 12, 2022
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94
Went on a date with a girl who I cold approached few days ago. This girl is a college student. During texting girls seems very interested, even asked me a few questions about myself. We went to starbucks for coffee. At the counter when buying our drinks, we chatted a while, then girl asked me where we going after coffee. I said we can go to see the city skyline, she said ok. After buying our drinks, I went to pick a good place where I can sit with her side-by-side, so that it's easier to do physicals escalation. We talked some normal topics, such as how's she was doing her assignment lately, how she got help from. She mentioned that she usually got help from her ex-boyfriend who is also studying the same course, but now they are broken up. I asked about some question related to this, such as how she met her ex etc. I also asked how many guys she been in a relationship before, she say she didn't count, probably less than 20. I say I prefer girls who have experienced, so that I don't have to teach.

So far the girl is quite positive during the date. I mentioned that I have one long-term girlfriend, and two other girls who I didn't consider as girlfriend but still hang out. The girl asked if it's something like hooking up? Since this girl is very young and have mingled with a lot of guys, I assume she is okay with things like hooking up etc, so I said yes. The girl expression changed a bit to not so cherish from here onward. I touched her hair and asked about her hair dye and such. After that, I then direct the topic to sports. I asked if she play any sports, she said no, most of the time she just stay at home and play video games, but long time ago she did dancing. I said I like girls who dance or do a bit of sports, because usually their body figure won't be too bad, such as yoga girls have nice butt. She say she don't have nice butt. We then talked about other topics. I tried to direct the topic to sex topic, but felt the vibe is a bit off and girl seemed not invested into our conversation compared to beginning, so I continued talked about normal topics.

At this point, girl ask if we are going anywhere now, cause she might going to meet someone soon. I asked what time she going to meet the person. She say it's up to our schedule, she can cancel meeting the person whenever she wants. I then say we can visit a hill to see the city skyline. She looks a bit uninterested, I then say we can go to a garden nearby my house. She said okay. We then walked to the car park. During this time, I tried to hold her hand but she refused, saying she doesn't know me yet. I then ignore calmly and we continued walking towards my car. Since she refused to hold hand, I assume that it's not a good time to go to my house, so I decided to visit the hill for city skyline. In the car, she was very quiet and not so 'invested' into our conversation compared to beginning, so I initiate the conversation, but it's just normal topics.

At the hill, I asked if she usually goes out to places like this. She said no, she don't usually enjoy places like this, just stay home play video games. She also said she rarely do any travelling. We stayed at the hill for only about 5 minutes. Seeing that she was bit bored, I asked if she wanted to come to my place and relax a while. She said no need. I then assume it's not a good time to take her home tonight, so I drive her back to the shopping mall where we met earlier, since she needed to take the subway there. Before leaving my car to take the subway, I did a small compliance test by telling her to text me after she got home, but she never texted, so I know I will have no chance with this girl and will drop her.

But the most frustrating thing about this date is not that I lose this girl, it's that I am not able to conclude where I did wrong, which means I learned nothing from this date. Hopefully someone is provide some advice on this.
 
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Beck Bass

Cro-Magnon Man
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During this time, I tried to hold her hand but she refused, saying she doesn't know me yet.
Did you try touching sooner? Did you try holing her hand again later after some more raport or flirting?

I also asked how many guys she been in a relationship before, she say she didn't count, probably less than 20. I say I prefer girls who have experienced, so that I don't have to teach.
Lol 20 boyfriends? Or was she just giving you the number of Ds she's had before?
Anyway these type of questions can put a girl a bit on her guard, specially if she's not that confortable with you already.
I think the whole "so I don't have to teach" and you mentioning hooking up with other girls (did you say you have - as in now - a girlfriend? lol) sent her on the defensive, like she thought you only saw her as an option for sex, maybe even made her feel a bit cheap, dunno.

She say it's up to our schedule, she can cancel meeting the person whenever she wants.
Kinda bad that she mentions this "other person" (not sure if it's even real), but there she's giving you a chance to redeem yourself. Had you made her feel more confortable (maybe even valued, as a person?), and then escalated touch properly probably she would have stayed.

I can't say for sure, but I think this was a case of her slowly autorejecting because she felt she couldn't get what she wanted with you (a boyfriend, a guy that cares about her more than just using her for sex, something among those lines). You also didn't seem to be too flirty, the sexual conversation was mostly serious, it seems, and focused on her past, so maybe she really only saw something more serious with you as an option, as you're not quite the funny playboy that makes her feel free and at ease. This, combined with the fact you basically told her you're not looking for anything too serious, made her eject (I think).
 

BIGGUS DICKUS: PUSSY MAN

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Aug 15, 2022
Messages
291
A saw a video on girls chase tv on top best an worst topics on a date, and one of the worst was TO TALK ABOUT EXES. You want the frame to be just you and her, not some boyfriend she fucked 3 years ago. So heads up for next time. Also yeah, I agree the tipping point was when you mentioned you were hooking up with other girls. She doesn’t want to feel like another point in your system. I think you put up her anti-slut defense. Just a good rule in general is never kiss and tell, nothing good comes from sharing your romantic life with others, it can only cause drama and problems. Having a committed girlfriend and sharing that is a different story tho. Just remember to not ask about her past love life and you’ll be good.

hope this helps.
 

Will_V

Chieftan
Staff member
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1,539
Went on a date with a girl who I cold approached few days ago. This girl is a college student. During texting girls seems very interested, even asked me a few questions about myself. We went to starbucks for coffee. At the counter when buying our drinks, we chatted a while, then girl asked me where we going after coffee. I said we can go to see the city skyline, she said ok. After buying our drinks, I went to pick a good place where I can sit with her side-by-side, so that it's easier to do physicals escalation. We talked some normal topics, such as how's she was doing her assignment lately, how she got help from. She mentioned that she usually got help from her ex-boyfriend who is also studying the same course, but now they are broken up. I asked about some question related to this, such as how she met her ex etc. I also asked how many guys she been in a relationship before, she say she didn't count, probably less than 20. I say I prefer girls who have experienced, so that I don't have to teach.

So far the girl is quite positive during the date. I mentioned that I have one long-term girlfriend, and two other girls who I didn't consider as girlfriend but still hang out. The girl asked if it's something like hooking up? Since this girl is very young and have mingled with a lot of guys, I assume she is okay with things like hooking up etc, so I said yes. The girl expression changed a bit to not so cherish from here onward. I touched her hair and asked about her hair dye and such. After that, I then direct the topic to sports. I asked if she play any sports, she said no, most of the time she just stay at home and play video games, but long time ago she did dancing. I said I like girls who dance or do a bit of sports, because usually their body figure won't be too bad, such as yoga girls have nice butt. She say she don't have nice butt. We then talked about other topics. I tried to direct the topic to sex topic, but felt the vibe is a bit off and girl seemed not invested into our conversation compared to beginning, so I continued talked about normal topics.

At this point, girl ask if we are going anywhere now, cause she might going to meet someone soon. I asked what time she going to meet the person. She say it's up to our schedule, she can cancel meeting the person whenever she wants. I then say we can visit a hill to see the city skyline. She looks a bit uninterested, I then say we can go to a garden nearby my house. She said okay. We then walked to the car park. During this time, I tried to hold her hand but she refused, saying she doesn't know me yet. I then ignore calmly and we continued walking towards my car. Since she refused to hold hand, I assume that it's not a good time to go to my house, so I decided to visit the hill for city skyline. In the car, she was very quiet and not so 'invested' into our conversation compared to beginning, so I initiate the conversation, but it's just normal topics.

At the hill, I asked if she usually goes out to places like this. She said no, she don't usually enjoy places like this, just stay home play video games. She also said she rarely do any travelling. We stayed at the hill for only about 5 minutes. Seeing that she was bit bored, I asked if she wanted to come to my place and relax a while. She said no need. I then assume it's not a good time to take her home tonight, so I drive her back to the shopping mall where we met earlier, since she needed to take the subway there. Before leaving my car to take the subway, I did a small compliance test by telling her to text me after she got home, but she never texted, so I know I will have no chance with this girl and will drop her.

But the most frustrating thing about this date is not that I lose this girl, it's that I am not able to conclude where I did wrong, which means I learned nothing from this date. Hopefully someone is provide some advice on this.

I will make an educated guess about this: this girl was dtf, but you did a very poor job of managing the frame.

First of all as @brokenheartlover1 said, talking about exes is not good. It's not necessarily very bad in my experience, but you never know what feelings it might bring up. You quickly want to position things as 'he's in the past, I'm in the present'.

Second, this part: "I also asked how many guys she been in a relationship before, she say she didn't count, probably less than 20. I say I prefer girls who have experienced, so that I don't have to teach." This is good, if she says it's probably less than 20, it's probably over 20, so she's not inexperienced. You know she loves to bang. The frame you set at the end of not wanting to have to teach was very good. By now she's probably warm to the idea of coming home.

Third, it's very rare that a girl will respond positively to the idea of a guy having a girlfriend AND hooking up. Hooking up is one thing, doing it with a girlfriend is shaky ground. But notice here she brought up the concept of 'hooking up', meaning she was thinking about it (probably based on the previous part of the interaction). But never give a girl a good reason to doubt that she could become your one and only.

Fourth, you made a sort of blunt comment about butts, but even though it was awkward and she resisted, it might have even helped her look at the whole thing sexually. And if she talks down her butt, you can definitely (casually) compliment it.

Now here's the point where I think you really dropped the ball. She mentions that she needs to go soon. So far you've gotten a fair bit of resistance, and if she didn't like you, she would have taken the opportunity to leave. But instead, she says that she can cancel the other meeting. Here your geiger counter should have gone off the charts. You know she wants you to lead her somewhere (she's basically saying 'give me a good reason to cancel this meeting'), but it's certainly not any more of this date since she brought up the idea of having to go soon. She's probably thinking about hooking up now and wants you to move things along for her.

Now here's another indicator: when you mention seeing some city skyline, she's uninterested, but when you mention something near your house, she's down. You should have been thinking here: 'quick, set some comfortable, low-key sexual frames and try to catch her state up with her intentions as we get a move on toward the house'.

But instead, more 'normal conversation'. By the time you asked her to come to yours, things had gone cold, and she wasn't confident in the sexual aspect of things any more since you had not done a good job of stimulating it or showing confidence about it.

So I think here being more perceptive of her behaviour and what it meant, and persistently trying to find a level of sexual frame that she was comfortable with, would have gone a long way.
 

vicknick

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Oct 12, 2022
Messages
94
Now here's the point where I think you really dropped the ball. She mentions that she needs to go soon. So far you've gotten a fair bit of resistance, and if she didn't like you, she would have taken the opportunity to leave. But instead, she says that she can cancel the other meeting. Here your geiger counter should have gone off the charts. You know she wants you to lead her somewhere (she's basically saying 'give me a good reason to cancel this meeting'), but it's certainly not any more of this date since she brought up the idea of having to go soon. She's probably thinking about hooking up now and wants you to move things along for her.

Now here's another indicator: when you mention seeing some city skyline, she's uninterested, but when you mention something near your house, she's down. You should have been thinking here: 'quick, set some comfortable, low-key sexual frames and try to catch her state up with her intentions as we get a move on toward the house'.
However when I tried to hold her hand as we were leaving the cafe, she refused. Based on this, I think she still might be uncomfortable going to my place, so I decided to take her to city skyline first to warm her up?

But instead, more 'normal conversation'. By the time you asked her to come to yours, things had gone cold, and she wasn't confident in the sexual aspect of things any more since you had not done a good job of stimulating it or showing confidence about it.
I am a bit struggling with this. What should I talk about after the date, since we have talked about sexual topics on the date? Do we just talk about normal topics again?

Third, it's very rare that a girl will respond positively to the idea of a guy having a girlfriend AND hooking up. Hooking up is one thing, doing it with a girlfriend is shaky ground. But notice here she brought up the concept of 'hooking up', meaning she was thinking about it (probably based on the previous part of the interaction). But never give a girl a good reason to doubt that she could become your one and only.
Sorry I didn't mention it clearly. What I actually mean is, I had one long-term ex-girlfriend, and two girls I had casually dated (hooking up) before I met my ex-girlfriend. But now I am single.
 
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Will_V

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However when I tried to hold her hand as we were leaving the cafe, she refused. Based on this, I think she still might be uncomfortable going to my place, so I decided to take her to city skyline first to warm her up?

First of all, holding hands is not necessarily a comfortable thing for a girl that's even about to hook up with you. If you grab her hand to lead her physically somewhere, that's one thing, if you grab it and pretend nothing happened, it's boyfriendy and weird, even if all she wants to do is bang.

So the problem (far as I can see of course) is not that she wasn't warmed up, but you weren't setting the right sexual frames. A skyline isn't going to fix that. She was already getting impatient for things to come to a conclusion, but she was still not comfortable. That meant you had to put more chips on the table and hope for the best.

I am a bit struggling with this. What should I talk about after the date, since we have talked about sexual topics on the date? Do we just talk about normal topics again?

In my opinion, a bit of teasing and humor is the best way, in the moment, to defuse a poor sexual frame that's been rejected. You can't excuse yourself, that's lame, but if you pretend nothing happened and go to something boring, that's also lame.

You can follow that with physicality. When you've run your mouth and said something silly, and mentally she's not very 'open', stimulating her senses can get her in the right headspace again. For example one time ages ago I was walking out of a cafe with a girl after a date and I was struggling because things weren't very sexual, she had long hair, so I said "I like your long hair" she says "oh yeah" and I say "yep, especially when it's all the way down to the butt" and tapped her on the tailbone (she turned and looked me in the eyes and I held eye contact). Now that's a bit full on, but she was latina, and she liked it. But that's the idea, come at it from a different angle. There are many ways to do sexual framing, you hardly exhausted them all.

Sorry I didn't mention it clearly. What I actually mean is, I had one long-term ex-girlfriend, and two girls I had casually dated (hooking up) before I met my ex-girlfriend. But now I am single.

The question is not what I thought but what she thought.
 

apone

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Never talk about exes on a first date. Never explicitly talk about "hooking up" on a first date - especially regarding people who aren't your date.
 
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