My girlfriends husband caught us texting. He hasn’t caught her sending me nudes, talking dirty, or saying she loves me, so, he’s really just suspicious about us. At any rate, he’s got her on lockdown. The only info I’ve got all day is that if he calls to tell him I came on to her and she always maintained she was married. Fine, right? I don’t think he’s going to believe it even if I tell him that and I doubt he’s got the balls to even call. In fact, and it’s a hunch, I think he’d stay with her if he knew what a fully happened. So... does anyone have experience with this? Should I do nothing and goabout my life? If he contacts me should I tell him everything, driving her back into my waiting arms, lol? Is she going to reach back out to me once her man chills out?
Girlfriend got caught by her husband. How do I handle this?
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Dicey situation.
Generally, when you're in this situation you let the girl do most of the leading around her "main" guy's schedule - it's your job to stay upbeat during that ebb-and-flow where she can see you a bunch some weeks and not at all other weeks. So, if she suddenly can't see you or is hesitant then it's your job (having gone into this) to stay positive and adapt accordingly. Basically, don't get pissed off if she suddenly can't see you anymore!
If her husband called me, I would probably run with something like so:
"Hey, yeah, I met XYZ the other day at the mall. I thought she was cute so I grabbed her number but failed to ask if she had a boyfriend/husband and it never came up. Blah blah blah."
The point is, you want to own some responsibility here without throwing her under the bus if you want to keep seeing her ASSUMING her does call you. Until he does, it is 100% her problem to deal with no matter what she says or does. I prefer to be relatively honest with how I answer things (I might omit some details, though) while keeping everybody's perspective in mind so I try to find the win-win for everyone involved.
Keep in mind, I've never been in this situation where a husband/guy has found out about me but based on the social knowledge I have I crafted how I'd respond if he called me. That being said, if he never calls you then it's not your responsibility or problem. As for her reaching out again, that's up in the air; on one hand he just boosted your value by acknowledging you as a threat and, on the other hand, he may have just caused his wife to question whether it's worth the risk of losing her husband (who she's established with) for you.
-Richard
Generally, when you're in this situation you let the girl do most of the leading around her "main" guy's schedule - it's your job to stay upbeat during that ebb-and-flow where she can see you a bunch some weeks and not at all other weeks. So, if she suddenly can't see you or is hesitant then it's your job (having gone into this) to stay positive and adapt accordingly. Basically, don't get pissed off if she suddenly can't see you anymore!
If her husband called me, I would probably run with something like so:
"Hey, yeah, I met XYZ the other day at the mall. I thought she was cute so I grabbed her number but failed to ask if she had a boyfriend/husband and it never came up. Blah blah blah."
The point is, you want to own some responsibility here without throwing her under the bus if you want to keep seeing her ASSUMING her does call you. Until he does, it is 100% her problem to deal with no matter what she says or does. I prefer to be relatively honest with how I answer things (I might omit some details, though) while keeping everybody's perspective in mind so I try to find the win-win for everyone involved.
Keep in mind, I've never been in this situation where a husband/guy has found out about me but based on the social knowledge I have I crafted how I'd respond if he called me. That being said, if he never calls you then it's not your responsibility or problem. As for her reaching out again, that's up in the air; on one hand he just boosted your value by acknowledging you as a threat and, on the other hand, he may have just caused his wife to question whether it's worth the risk of losing her husband (who she's established with) for you.
-Richard
Richard said:
If you were the husband in this situation, what would you want the original poster to do?
I'm assuming the original poster is sleeping with this woman, so he is a threat? How does the husband noticing that threat boost the original posters value by stating the obvious or is this because the husband doesn't know they are sleeping, and to the husband the original poster is only an "orbiter" because he hasn't seen all of the texts and a new orbiter is not a red flag? But that doesn't make sense because the poster appears as only an orbiter to the husband, but he is way more than just an orbiter friend, so a new orbiter is a red flag then?
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If I'm the husband, I don't care what the original poster is doing and I'm not going to TRY to get him to do anything.
The husband is bumping up the OPs value by over-reacting and trying to exert control. The more he goes "Oh shit, my wife is into this guy I have to keep her away from him" then the more she's thinking "Hmm, why is my husband so bent out of shape about this? Maybe this guy is better than him?" So, acknowledging another guy and reacting with anxiety/worry/jealousy is the worst possible thing you can do.
Situation would be totally different if the husband acted a different way. If he has to directly control her then he's in a position of weakness and that relationship is likely to fall apart.
This situation is a bit rough for me to properly talk about because a ton of advanced concepts are in place and I'm not sure how much everyone knows but the above should suffice.
The husband is bumping up the OPs value by over-reacting and trying to exert control. The more he goes "Oh shit, my wife is into this guy I have to keep her away from him" then the more she's thinking "Hmm, why is my husband so bent out of shape about this? Maybe this guy is better than him?" So, acknowledging another guy and reacting with anxiety/worry/jealousy is the worst possible thing you can do.
Situation would be totally different if the husband acted a different way. If he has to directly control her then he's in a position of weakness and that relationship is likely to fall apart.
This situation is a bit rough for me to properly talk about because a ton of advanced concepts are in place and I'm not sure how much everyone knows but the above should suffice.
Are you basing your reply on if she was not actually sleeping with the orignal poster?
I get what you are saying about bumping up other guys value by reacting with anxiety/worry/jealousy, I understand that. But in this case, all he knows is the text, but whats actually happening is way more than texting, she is cheating on him. Which means if you see texts like this, then your partner could be cheating on you. What if she gets pregnant by the other guy during this time but stays with husband? When he could have left her at the sign of this text.
I get what you are saying about bumping up other guys value by reacting with anxiety/worry/jealousy, I understand that. But in this case, all he knows is the text, but whats actually happening is way more than texting, she is cheating on him. Which means if you see texts like this, then your partner could be cheating on you. What if she gets pregnant by the other guy during this time but stays with husband? When he could have left her at the sign of this text.
Thanks dude:
I’ve seen the controlling husband/boyfriend lose a dozen times. Happened to me once if I’m being honest. Lol. Anyway, she reached out to me using our new means of communication. She was talking about being torn between us and we effectively broke up. Then she messages me saying “this is really hard for me I want to keep talking”. I don’t want to stop gaming her and I want sex to continue but husband is in high alert. Communication is reduced so it’s hard to like talk dirty to her and it’s much more difficult to meet for sex. So... the seeds planted right? Just sit back and let the law of controlling husbands run it’s course?
I’ve seen the controlling husband/boyfriend lose a dozen times. Happened to me once if I’m being honest. Lol. Anyway, she reached out to me using our new means of communication. She was talking about being torn between us and we effectively broke up. Then she messages me saying “this is really hard for me I want to keep talking”. I don’t want to stop gaming her and I want sex to continue but husband is in high alert. Communication is reduced so it’s hard to like talk dirty to her and it’s much more difficult to meet for sex. So... the seeds planted right? Just sit back and let the law of controlling husbands run it’s course?
As much curious I am, I couldn't stop myself from this thread.
So, you don't acknowledge the guy is something I've learned from Richard, but doesn't doing anything about it is not okay also (?). That's like giving her permission to fuck around, not something I'd want in my WIFE (if I do get married though). So, what's a guy to do if he's the husband in this scenario?
Doing nothing?
I get it, I'm beginner, doesn't have much experience, but I'd certainly be angry, frustrated if that happened to me.
Solution?
So, you don't acknowledge the guy is something I've learned from Richard, but doesn't doing anything about it is not okay also (?). That's like giving her permission to fuck around, not something I'd want in my WIFE (if I do get married though). So, what's a guy to do if he's the husband in this scenario?
Doing nothing?
I get it, I'm beginner, doesn't have much experience, but I'd certainly be angry, frustrated if that happened to me.
Solution?
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I talked to some of my friends from the Boards about this topic and what I've written below is a compilation of ideas/thoughts/points that we all agree on.
Yeah, so, this becomes an interesting situation and it's one that's incredibly to give practical advice about because a) it's nuanced and case-by-case and b) the guys who find themselves in that situation can't generally apply the correct advice I (or any other advanced seducer) give because, if they could then they wouldn't be in that situation in the first place.
So, that aside, there are a few concepts to understand.
1) If you're in a situation where your girl is already fucking another guy behind your back then you fucked up somewhere early on - at that point, you're not giving her permission or influencing her decision because she's already doing it. At this point, you either leave or you go with something like "Oh, I guess we're in an open relationship now" so that you can also fuck other women but, I'd probably leave.
2) If she's just texting a guy and let's you know then it's probably a test to see how you react - it's a mechanism to get attention from you, if you pass the tests then she'll realize she can't get your attention by talking about other guys. If you respond with anger/jealousy/investment then she learns "I can get what I want from him with threats of another man being around."
3) In all situations, I don't care what my girlfriend is doing. If she wants to fuck another guy or text, etc. that's totally up to her; she just has to be fine when she's no longer getting my attention (in the same capacity), and she has to be fine with me not being committed to her anymore. If she wants to just fuck keep fucking me while I look for other prospects, cool.
That's why this is tough to talk about with guys who don't have a ton of experience because the points above wont' fully click for you unless you have massive amount of experience under your belt. The point is, I don't own my girlfriend and I'm not going to take any measures to prevent her from doing anything - I know my worth/value to a woman and I can approach/fuck her brains out so I'm providing some of the most important things a woman can find so, by that nature, women WANT to keep me around and will not take risks to lose me. The only prevention I have against my girl fucking somebody else is being her best option and, generally, I am.
Hope that makes sense for everyone.
Yeah, so, this becomes an interesting situation and it's one that's incredibly to give practical advice about because a) it's nuanced and case-by-case and b) the guys who find themselves in that situation can't generally apply the correct advice I (or any other advanced seducer) give because, if they could then they wouldn't be in that situation in the first place.
So, that aside, there are a few concepts to understand.
1) If you're in a situation where your girl is already fucking another guy behind your back then you fucked up somewhere early on - at that point, you're not giving her permission or influencing her decision because she's already doing it. At this point, you either leave or you go with something like "Oh, I guess we're in an open relationship now" so that you can also fuck other women but, I'd probably leave.
2) If she's just texting a guy and let's you know then it's probably a test to see how you react - it's a mechanism to get attention from you, if you pass the tests then she'll realize she can't get your attention by talking about other guys. If you respond with anger/jealousy/investment then she learns "I can get what I want from him with threats of another man being around."
3) In all situations, I don't care what my girlfriend is doing. If she wants to fuck another guy or text, etc. that's totally up to her; she just has to be fine when she's no longer getting my attention (in the same capacity), and she has to be fine with me not being committed to her anymore. If she wants to just fuck keep fucking me while I look for other prospects, cool.
That's why this is tough to talk about with guys who don't have a ton of experience because the points above wont' fully click for you unless you have massive amount of experience under your belt. The point is, I don't own my girlfriend and I'm not going to take any measures to prevent her from doing anything - I know my worth/value to a woman and I can approach/fuck her brains out so I'm providing some of the most important things a woman can find so, by that nature, women WANT to keep me around and will not take risks to lose me. The only prevention I have against my girl fucking somebody else is being her best option and, generally, I am.
Hope that makes sense for everyone.
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pjur357 said:
Yeah. Generally, when a woman is attracted to you and can't talk to you/see you attraction only goes up. It's her situation to juggle and after she craves you long enough she'll probably take the risk and go back to fucking you - seems like her husband isn't much of an option for her to lose so she probably feels the risk is worth it.
But, stay aware that she still could, at any time, drop contact with you because of her husband's vigilance. But, my gut feeling is she'll end up on your dick again.
-Richard
Richard said:
Hey Richard,
That does make sense. The only remaining question I have is, it is case by case as you say, how would you tell if text messages are "just a test" or if they are legit. The original poster here, the husband only saw "platonic" text messages I'm guessing, none that were directly communicating to the husband that the woman was actually sleeping with another man. But the fact is, she was. So does that mean text messages can go either way? They can be a test, or they can be a sign that she is already sleeping with someone else as per the original post even though there were no "i love you" or nudes in them.
I'm assuming the husband only saw general "how are you type" messages, even though she was sleeping with another man. Is there a way to tell if text messages from another man are "test only" vs "I'm already sleeping with another man despite the text messages only being platonic"?
Whoa
Richard, you do have solid points! It was messy situation and you presented interesting points.
Few questions if you are up to it.
1) me fucking other girls after finding out my girl is fucking around changes the dynamic? You outright tell her about it or go do it, and let her find out?
I mean talk to her about it first like : you cheated and I'm gonna be fucking girls too.
But, as you've said in one of my threads to not acknowledge the other guy, according to this, I think it's not cool to say directly this to her.
2) I don't understand by 'giving her attention' when you see the texts. What attention are you talking about?
I'm actually in the ' digesting your advice' phase. And I'm trying to not give much fuck when she looks/talks about other men. It's hard though.
Anyway, your advice sounds solid. I guess I have to get more experience before i ACTUALLY decide which path I'll select.
But for now
It'd be REALLY helpful if you have some advice on approach anxiety and not loosing my cool.
Many thanks
Richard, you do have solid points! It was messy situation and you presented interesting points.
Few questions if you are up to it.
1) me fucking other girls after finding out my girl is fucking around changes the dynamic? You outright tell her about it or go do it, and let her find out?
I mean talk to her about it first like : you cheated and I'm gonna be fucking girls too.
But, as you've said in one of my threads to not acknowledge the other guy, according to this, I think it's not cool to say directly this to her.
2) I don't understand by 'giving her attention' when you see the texts. What attention are you talking about?
I'm actually in the ' digesting your advice' phase. And I'm trying to not give much fuck when she looks/talks about other men. It's hard though.
Anyway, your advice sounds solid. I guess I have to get more experience before i ACTUALLY decide which path I'll select.
But for now
It'd be REALLY helpful if you have some advice on approach anxiety and not loosing my cool.
Many thanks
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Rain,
When a girl is testing you with something like this, she'll make it more obvious. In this situation, she was hiding it and wasn't making it obvious.
"Oh my God, Josh is such a flirt - Can you believe he tried to get my number in class today?" is more of a test to see how you react. It's an effective strategy that women have! For something like this, you just brush it off nonchalantly.
If the same situation above takes place but she hides it, etc. then it's a red flag.
Duke,
You never (well, hardly ever) want to be direct with women - especially when it comes to threats. Directly saying "Well, I'm going to fuck another bitch then!" comes off as very weak, reactive, and you're trying to get a reaction out of her; she'll laugh it off AND think you're incapable of fucking another girl.
You don't discuss it - you implicitly let her know the dynamic has changed (hence the, 'open relationship' portion) and after that you let her mind wander.
So, attention just means you're focused on her (good or bad; attention is still attention) because women want to feel desired. If you react with anger/jealousy you're giving her that sense of being desired in a way that benefits her and hinders you - another effective strategy that women have. Women are always looking to maximize their results with minimal risk and both things I pointed out accomplish that.
-Richard
When a girl is testing you with something like this, she'll make it more obvious. In this situation, she was hiding it and wasn't making it obvious.
"Oh my God, Josh is such a flirt - Can you believe he tried to get my number in class today?" is more of a test to see how you react. It's an effective strategy that women have! For something like this, you just brush it off nonchalantly.
If the same situation above takes place but she hides it, etc. then it's a red flag.
Duke,
You never (well, hardly ever) want to be direct with women - especially when it comes to threats. Directly saying "Well, I'm going to fuck another bitch then!" comes off as very weak, reactive, and you're trying to get a reaction out of her; she'll laugh it off AND think you're incapable of fucking another girl.
You don't discuss it - you implicitly let her know the dynamic has changed (hence the, 'open relationship' portion) and after that you let her mind wander.
So, attention just means you're focused on her (good or bad; attention is still attention) because women want to feel desired. If you react with anger/jealousy you're giving her that sense of being desired in a way that benefits her and hinders you - another effective strategy that women have. Women are always looking to maximize their results with minimal risk and both things I pointed out accomplish that.
-Richard
pjur357
You need to get some other lovers, you are getting too hooked on this one woman (and one who is willing to cheat on her husband as well).
As for what to do if her husband calls, if you want to marry her, tell him all the juicy details; otherwise say you think she was just trying to make him jealous and nothing happened.
As for the husband, there are better websites than this for that.
Oldguy
You need to get some other lovers, you are getting too hooked on this one woman (and one who is willing to cheat on her husband as well).
As for what to do if her husband calls, if you want to marry her, tell him all the juicy details; otherwise say you think she was just trying to make him jealous and nothing happened.
As for the husband, there are better websites than this for that.
Oldguy
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Richard said:
This is pure gold. I wish I would have seen an article about this on Girlschase earlier, it's very useful and true. I started sleeping with a girl and seeing her quite often (I would call it an MLTR to reference to one of your other posts.) so I got quite emotionally involved, even though I am still sleeping with other girls randomly as well as having fuckbuddies. It's a pretty complicated setting because she is cheating on me with her boyfriend in her homecountry (he recently found out, but different story), so it was a story like, we like each other a lot but it's nothing serious even though it felt like it to both of us.
Anyway she likes kissing guys and it really didn't bother me except in two occasions (one a guy I considered a friend - I even told him I'm sleeping with her- and another a guy who's quite high in the hierarchy of a student organization I'm a part of). Anyway, in both of these occasions I got mad at her (she did it in front of me) and these are exactly the guys she keeps seeing as "friends" and telling me about, because she has seen me being upset about her seeing them. They in the meantime missed their opportunities to bang her and I think went to the friendzone, so I'm not really worried anymore. But if I would have known this before I could have avoided it and just played it of. (Maybe not because I was super emotional with her + drunk, but in theory still.)
Did you figure this out by yourself Ricardus or did you read it somewhere else? I didn't see stuff like this on GC.