Long-Term Girlfriend was 'obsessed' with the ex

maxm

Rookie
Rookie
Joined
Sep 19, 2019
Messages
2
Hi guys,

Have been a long time reader here. Great, in depth articles.

For the first time i'm actually on the forum. So here's my story.

I have been dating with my current girlfriend for almost a year now. We have had an amazing first year. Went on a 3 week vacation to Mexico this summer.

Though, from the beginning, she has talked about her ex. She's 22, and before me, she dated an older man (36). She was obsessed with this man. He was quite succesful, funny, and also her mentor (though he was horrible in the sack).

I have a different role in her life. We are more or on the same level (sex is better, though). I am 25 and just starting my career after college. She's intelligent, and very driven and ambitious (and good looking).

Now, from the start she has mentioned her ex. Actually stating that she was obessed with him, and that she thought she was gonna have babies with him. Ofcourse, he broke up with her. I'm guessing one of the things she liked about this, was that she had absolutely no control over him.

She is very open about her feelings, and she's just overall a very, very emotional woman.

Now she still sees this guy from time to time. On a festival she wanted to see him. I was clear about the fact that i did not approve of this, seeing the relationship they had, the way she viewed him, and how it ended.

Now, i know she is very happy with me. I also know she just needs a lot of freedom. I have had more situations in which she just needed her freedom, but they were shitty situations for me. And of course, this situation is high-risk for me. We ended up arguing and fighting on the festival about this. She thought i was jealous; i said that was bullshit. I just thought she should not put herself in such a situation.

Now, she still talks about him sometimes. I'm just wondering what i could do about it. Usually i'm just nonchalant; act like i don't care. But that's hard to keep up if you are not ok with it. Sometimes i think she's also poking a bit, just testing to see if i'm jealous.

She knows very well that i don't like it when she sees him. And she's also very honest (sometimes too honest). There's a big event here in a couple of weeks, and she said she wanted to go to a certain party where he would probably be, she told me (there are like 200 parties here, but that is supposed to be the best, she says).

It's just a high-risk situation for me. I am also tempted to become closer with other girls, just for my security.

What do you guys think? Sometimes this just tires me. She just needs a lot of freedom and attention. Sometimes tend to think she needs it to feel 'alive'.
If that is true, it's maybe not the girl for me.

What do you guys think?
 

JacobPalmer

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jun 24, 2019
Messages
341
Personally, I think her behaviour is totally out of line and you should drop her. It's disrespectful and you're right, she's putting herself into situations which could cause trouble. And here's the thing she doesn't want to tell you: she does not view him as a friend, she views him as a lover/provider, and given the chance she would absolutely be with him if she took her back. But if you need more proof ask her a few things:

1. Would she be ok with the situation if roles were reversed (you had the ex you talked about and wanted to see a lot)
2. Ask her if she would be with him instead of you if he wanted to be with her.

This is going to probably break your heart to be honest, but it's probably for the best. You'll learn and grow from it.

If you do still want to be with her then you need to set some boundaries, because you obviously don't like what she's doing. You'll need to explain this to her and then draw a line (but in a calm, controlled manner, you can't get angry). And just tell her that if she doesn't think she can respect your boundaries then the two of you should break up. AND, if she agrees and then still crosses these boundaries, then break up with her.
 

Ambiance

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
Joined
Oct 8, 2015
Messages
356
Girlfriends going out of their way to see old flames in any setting is absolutely unacceptable. Additionally, the more abundance you have, girls still being hung up over an ex also becomes unacceptable. Why date a chick who can't get over her ex when you can go out and find 10 girls just like her who will be crazy for you and only you? The funny thing is, the more replaceable she is to you, the more likely she will shift her deepest feelings from her ex over to you, because you have replaced him in her mind as the baddest, strongest man in her life.

It is easy for a bystander looking at your relationship to tell you to drop this girl and start fresh. You've been with this girl a year, have had some great times, and seem to really care about her. However, really think on the precedent you've set of tolerating her not being over her ex and even seeing him on several occasions. Is it really worth it to stick with this girl when your relationship's foundation has some significant flaws? Having been in relationships where I didn't set things up right from the start, let me tell you, it is a breath of fresh air to ditch your mess and rebuild. It will make you feel like a man, remove a stressor from your life, and your future relationships will be sooo much better for it (assuming you learn from your past relationship). I know that's a lot to ask, but keep it as a consideration, and whenever its nagging you that your girl likes her ex more (it's tough to hear I know, but if she liked you more she wouldn't care about him now that she has someone better), know a do-over is yours for the taking.

In the meantime, keep learning from the articles on this site and applying them to become baddest man you can be, one who effortlessly steals the attention of his conquests away from their former, inferior lovers.

Good luck!
 

JP_

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Sep 1, 2019
Messages
12
Location
London
I agree with the existing replies, she is violating, and as a man you can't accept it, kick her to the curb. You're still young so you will recover from it. You are at an unfair advantage if he's older and more successful than you, the only remedy I would suggest would be to up your own game so she has no desire for this other man (if possible). I think its as simple as make more money / get in your best physical shape possible so you become so much more of a catch than her ex that he (hopefully) becomes irrelevant.
 

maxm

Rookie
Rookie
Joined
Sep 19, 2019
Messages
2
Hey guys,

Thanks for the responses, i really appreciate it.

@JacobPalmer
No, she would definitely not be ok with the situations reversed. She's been jealous when i saw my ex girls, or when i would go to a party where they were possibly gonna be. I sometimes tend to do this on purpose, to show her what it feels like.

For your second queston, when we were starting out i definitely think she would have chosen him instead of me. Back then she talked about him a lot; now, almost never (could be because she knows i don't like it when she talks about him, but i don't think so.. but not sure..) Now, i think she will choose me. Seeing how often she tells me she loves me, and how she talks about our future plans, i can't imagine my girl wanting someone else right now. We are actually doing very well and she's pretty clingy right now.

I just know we won't be this good forever, we have already had our ups and downs. It's when we are not doing so well, i need to be very clear about my boundaries.

Also, this is just the type of girl that falls in love easily. That also scares me, and makes it hard to enjoy what we have right know.

At this moment, it would break my heart to break up with her, yes. I'm not sure i could do that right now. I have had my share of depression, i'm quite sensitive like that.

@Ambiance
There's so much truth in your reply. Love how you make it sound like it only makes you stronger. I truly do believe that, yes. Also me feel so much more like a man thinking that i have that power, and that it's true.

I think i know what to do for now. I'm feeling better about our relationship than a couple of months ago. But if that feeling returns, i know what to do.

@JP
As a matter of fact: i am so much better looking than this guys, haha. Also working out a lot, lately. And busy making more money.


I really want to post more on here, also reply to others/help others. Love the way you guys think. Everyone's so honest and to the point.
Actually wanted to post this on the Dating Artisan forum, but there's like 3 messages in that relationships forum.
 
Top