Got accused of harrsement! Need help on how to handle such things

[Arnav]

So this is about a girl I saw few days ago near a business district along a street, I saw her coming down a crossover bridge a few days ago and was gazing into her eyes for a few secodns as she was coming down the stairs then she smiled at me and got into a cab.

I took this as a sign of interest and thought I would approach her next day, the next day I was standing a bit distant from the subway to see where she walks by so I can understand whats the best place to approach her near the subway or the street where she takes the cab, (the subway cab be a bit busy making it hard to approach.

The next day while I was walking in the business district food court I saw her again as she was walking by her friend she looked at me like when you see an old friend, I was confused by this, but I ignored that and kept moving as she was with a friend.

The next day as she was coming up the subway I walked by her and tried to approach her , heyy!! She just looked at me quizzically walked on and got in the cab.

I was surprised by this I thought maybe she was wearing headphone because sinsce previous few days she had been wearing earphones.

Okay nnvr mind I will approach her tmrmw again. Then a few days later I saw her coming down the subway from a dist. But she took a completely diff route. Okayy lets take a few days gap.

3 days later I saw her coming doen the subway and I was standing near the exit non chalantly acting like talking on the phone, but she came and talked to me and came with a male friend.

She: heyy, excuse me
Me: yess.
She: do you have a problem?
Me: what?
She: I have been seeing you following me since the last few days, stalking me?
Me: stalking you? When
Guy friend: you have a major problem dude
Me: i think this is a misunderstanding here
She: few days ago you tried to stop and talk to me as well.
Me: yeah coz, you looked like someone really familjar and I wanted to talk to you and clarify that
Me: hey, I think this is a misundertsanding here, I really thought you were an old friend.is your name anna?
She: no
Guy friend: do you want me to complain abt you to the authorities
Me: you're making a big deal out of nothing, I am so confused here
She: so is this issue sorted now?
Me: I never had any issue.

(these guys leave)

( I was bit shaken after that, and taken back they were pretty confrontational, assertive and accusatory. )

I am bit confised here , it was her who first smiled at me and then again a few days later stared at me (again smilingly like you do to an old friend)

all of this made me me feel like
1. Like she realy was an old girl I approached and had very warm chat with.
2. Like she found me cute and was interested.
didnt like the fact that I was so nervous and fumbling my words a lilte bit,

Can you help me how to handle such confrontations in future, and how does one learn to be calm in such situations (i hated seeing myself so nervous and defensive)

 

[topcat]

Oh boy. You truly don’t see how she could have interpreted this as creepy?

You’ve essentially been fixating on one girl, camping out, studying her habits over several days and positioning yourself to approach her. All based on her smiling at you once or twice.

You’ve done this so conspicuously she recognized you doing it.

This behaviour telegraphs a few things:

- lack of abundance (why have you fixated on her, a girl you’ve never spoken to, when plenty pass you everyday?)
- lack of social awareness (you did nothing to appear as innocuous as possible, unaware that your actions could’ve tracked and thus making you appear to be stalking. despite this you still expected a positive reaction)
- days of “hiding the banana” causing her to deem you as creepy as she notices you have intentions (confirmed when you approach) but without knowing what those intentions are.. this allows her to assume ill intent on your part

If you do see a woman you like repeatedly but miss opportunities to approach her, the best thing to do would be to make it seem as though you haven’t noticed her. Sure, engineer a way to “accidentally” bump into her, but deprioritize her in your mind focusing on other targets until such a moment presents itself. Definitely do not camp out daily, seen buy her at the same time of day like you clearly have designs for her.

This is peak, mind-blind autism.

How would you feel if you suddenly stared seeing a guy appear on your route to work, at the same time everyday, clearly focused on you, without it being clear that he has any other reason to be there…besides some unknown plan he has for you? Then after some day he approaches you..

Creepy right?

 

[ChrisXKiss]

Hmm, if it was super obvious that you were hanging around where she was and checking her moves it can get a bit scary for a girl.

That said if you are just going about your day and see her again and again because you both happen to take the same route to work it can happen.

I’d say you first have to look inside you and understand what was happening from your side. If you were starting to feel a bit obsessed about her and how to approach I wouldn’t say it’s terrible, it can happen when you are new and you find a cute girl that seems open but you are not sure when and how to make a move.

At some point it is good to let go though firstly for you, and secondly because it may indeed start getting weird.

I remember I went to buy some foreign language books years ago and the girl at the store was so friendly and cute. I couldn’t push myself to show interest and propose something there with the manager, so I went again to the store another time, and then again passed outside of it to check if she was in alone and more free.

I spent a week telling to myself I have to be a man and open her, before going around there and chickening out. At some point I realised I was getting so fixated that it was weird and I simply moved on.

If she did notice me around the area, especially on the days I did not enter the store, I bet she would have felt a bit scared, although I had no intention to harm her.

Back to your case though, I don’t think you handled it that bad, although the nerves are understandable.

I would say it isabout exactly what you say and more about staying grounded and unreactive.

You get this when you enter more similar situations and also when you know you are not in the wrong.

The problem is that indeed when you look nervous, fumbling your words, being reactive it does look like you are in the wrong somehow and caught doing something, but again if you are unfamiliar with confrontations this is not abnormal.

I would say the best way is to show understanding, befriend them and if they keep being confrontational treat the whole thing like you are normal and they are weird.

Like if you tell to the guy that what he is doing is great taking care of his friend and you do the same for your friends, and then calmly explain that she kept smiling at you while you were going by your day and you wondered whether you knew her feeling bad that you didn’t remember, all of this with a smile, and they keep being apprehensive, then they are weird by default anyway.

 

[Arnav]

Oh boy. You truly don’t see how she could have interpreted this as creepy?

You’ve essentially been fixating on one girl, camping out, studying her habits over several days and positioning yourself to approach her. All based on her smiling at you once or twice.

You’ve done this so conspicuously she recognized you doing it.

This behaviour telegraphs a few things:

- lack of abundance (why have you fixated on her, a girl you’ve never spoken to, when plenty pass you everyday?)
- lack of social awareness (you did nothing to appear as innocuous as possible, unaware that your actions could’ve tracked and thus making you appear to be stalking. despite this you still expected a positive reaction)
- days of “hiding the banana” causing her to deem you as creepy as she notices you have intentions (confirmed when you approach) but without knowing what those intentions are.. this allows her to assume ill intent on your part

If you do see a woman you like repeatedly but miss opportunities to approach her, the best thing to do would be to make it seem as though you haven’t noticed her. Sure, engineer a way to “accidentally” bump into her, but deprioritize her in your mind focusing on other targets until such a moment presents itself. Definitely do not camp out daily, seen buy her at the same time of day like you clearly have designs for her.

This is peak, mind-blind autism.

How would you feel if you suddenly stared seeing a guy appear on your route to work, at the same time everyday, clearly focused on you, without it being clear that he has any other reason to be there…besides some unknown plan he has for you? Then after some day he approaches you..

Creepy right?

I tried to make it not so obvious, but I guess girls have a pretty sensitive radar for this stuff.

Could you tell me whats the correct way to handle when confronted by the girl and her guy friend? ( i didnt like how I behaved so nervous and submissive to her )

How does one become calm and mature in such situations?

 

[Igor]

Typical 'White Knight' example.

 

[topcat]

Could you tell me whats the correct way to handle when confronted by the girl and her guy friend? ( i didnt like how I behaved so nervous and submissive to her )

Genuinely I don’t think it matters. I wouldn’t be trying to win them over after a clear faux pas like that. I’d take the dressing down (as it was earned..) and get out of there asap. Making sure to be more subtle next time…

 

[Arnav]

Hmm, if it was super obvious that you were hanging around where she was and checking her moves it can get a bit scary for a girl.

That said if you are just going about your day and see her again and again because you both happen to take the same route to work it can happen.

I’d say you first have to look inside you and understand what was happening from your side. If you were starting to feel a bit obsessed about her and how to approach I wouldn’t say it’s terrible, it can happen when you are new and you find a cute girl that seems open but you are not sure when and how to make a move.

At some point it is good to let go though firstly for you, and secondly because it may indeed start getting weird.

I remember I went to buy some foreign language books years ago and the girl at the store was so friendly and cute. I couldn’t push myself to show interest and propose something there with the manager, so I went again to the store another time, and then again passed outside of it to check if she was in alone and more free.

I spent a week telling to myself I have to be a man and open her, before going around there and chickening out. At some point I realised I was getting so fixated that it was weird and I simply moved on.

If she did notice me around the area, especially on the days I did not enter the store, I bet she would have felt a bit scared, although I had no intention to harm her.

Back to your case though, I don’t think you handled it that bad, although the nerves are understandable.

I would say it isabout exactly what you say and more about staying grounded and unreactive.

You get this when you enter more similar situations and also when you know you are not in the wrong.

The problem is that indeed when you look nervous, fumbling your words, being reactive it does look like you are in the wrong somehow and caught doing something, but again if you are unfamiliar with confrontations this is not abnormal.

I would say the best way is to show understanding, befriend them and if they keep being confrontational treat the whole thing like you are normal and they are weird.

Like if you tell to the guy that what he is doing is great taking care of his friend and you do the same for your friends, and then calmly explain that she kept smiling at you while you were going by your day and you wondered whether you knew her feeling bad that you didn’t remember, all of this with a smile, and they keep being apprehensive, then they are weird by default anyway.

Thanks for the perspective chris, that was very helpfull.

Love this -Being empathetic to the guy, (it's great that you're taking care of yoir friend)

I think whats bothering me is in the past some girls have tried to be a little dominating and not taken me seriously, and some times tried to make fun of me. (so I get pretty ragefull when a girl is being assertive and accusatory to me and bullying)

Do you happen to know whats the process or actions you have to do where girls being assertive or confrontational with you does not hit your self esteem so hard?

 

[Arnav]

Genuinely I don’t think it matters. I wouldn’t be trying to win them over after a clear faux pas like that. I’d take the dressing down (as it was earned..) and get out of there asap. Making sure to be more subtle next time…

Okay, yeah that seems to be the sensible thing to do.

 

[ChrisXKiss]

Do you happen to know whats the process or actions you have to do where girls being assertive or confrontational with you does not hit your self esteem so hard?

I am not sure if there is a specific thing to do, I mean if they are affecting your self esteem that is not something you can fix with one action in the moment.

We all have certain triggers, maybe if someone calls you stupid you will not care but you will care if they call you a pussy for example.

Then I’d say it’s about figuring out why being called a pussy is affecting you so much.

Maybe you look inside and you realise you don’t like it because it is an insecurity you have. You generally don’t take action when things become difficult, you chicken out and don’t stand for yourself, so when you hear this insult it seems like they know something deeper about you.

Then you can start taking general action towards the version of yourself that is not insecure about being a pussy anymore. You decide to take on challenges and going after what you want.

At some point you will start feeling more content with that part of you, and even when someone calls you a pussy it will pass over your head and you won’t take it seriously and react, because you know you are not.

 

[James D]

she was coming down the stairs then she smiled at me and got into a cab.

I took this as a sign of interest and thought I would approach her next day,

Should have approached her right there and then.

tried to approach her , heyy!! She just looked at me quizzically walked on and got in the cab.

She rejected your approach.

Should have moved on immediately.

The same thing happened to my cousin. Some skinny Indian dude kept stalking her on the way to work and made a few feeble attempts to talk to her.

Her brother called me up to accompany him and stand behind him with my "bouncer look" while he told the dude to stay the fuck away from his sister.

The Indian dude genuinely had no idea he was being creepy.

It's already a great step you thought about writing about this situation. It means you're open to feedback and that's great.

You were being creepy.

It's one of the reasons some pretty girls become bitches.

They realise that simply smiling to a dude can result in that dude stalking her. It's a real safety issue. Even if they're genuinely nice people, they learn it's better not to be warm so as not to risk signalling the wrong dude.

 

[Will_V]

@Arnav don't sweat it man, take it as a learning experience.

If there's one lesson to take from this, it's the following:

Creepiness = Attention + Distance

If you want to not be creepy, either

a) don't pay lots of attention, or
b) close the distance

The biggest mistake here imo was this:

as she was walking by her friend she looked at me like when you see an old friend, I was confused by this, but I ignored that and kept moving as she was with a friend.

She gave you a clear opening and you acted like you got 'caught' and moved away. I know it makes sense to approach when she's not with a friend, but that's not her perspective. Her perspective is that you are afraid of your intentions being known, which makes them seem like bad ones.

Even if you didn't stop and talk to her here you needed to acknowledge it, smile, wave, say hello in passing, or something to move things forward a little and lay the scene for the next interaction.

Could you tell me whats the correct way to handle when confronted by the girl and her guy friend? ( i didnt like how I behaved so nervous and submissive to her )

I think you smoothed it over as best you could have.

If you want to be less nervous, be more relaxed and open to meeting her asap, instead of trying to lay in wait until the perfect opportunity.

The worst feeling is when you want to be close to a girl, but out of anxiety you stay away, and then when you do interact with her that anxiety has already changed her perspective of you for the worse.

A man who lives out his intentions in the moment is a man who doesn't get very nervous about anything.

 

[KnownUniverse]

Maybe you can talk to @Lilly - she has a similar experience creeping people out .

The solution is the same: dont stare, hover or consistently make weak attempts to communicate with her that leaves you guessing if she heard you or not. Either go all the way or none - just ignore her completely.

Can you help me how to handle such confrontations in future, and how does one learn to be calm in such situations (i hated seeing myself so nervous and defensive)

Nothing you could've done about this. If you're not experienced dealing with confrontation it'll always catch you off guard. Probably the best thing you could've said is be honest and say she smiled at you so tried to meet her.

 

[Skills]

Maybe you can talk to @Lilly - she has a similar experience creeping people out .

The solution is the same: dont stare, hover or consistently make weak attempts to communicate with her that leaves you guessing if she heard you or not. Either go all the way or none - just ignore her completely.



Nothing you could've done about this. If you're not experienced dealing with confrontation it'll always catch you off guard. Probably the best thing you could've said is be honest and say she smiled at you so tried to meet her.

you are actually creepy bringing up lilly in an example that has nothing to do with lilly or any similarities (different gender dynamics )..

let me explain to you the difference: in lilly example she got "fuck off" body language and she did not approach and let it go...

op got "fuck off" body language and he kept persisting..

another different Lilly has something call a pussy, op has something call a dick...

Introduction to Approach Invites/Warm approach (Featuring Corvette aka Illuminatus) - The Skills Method

I quote in my book, posts and in my blog tons of good seducers, why? Cause I do not have a big ego, I put your getting good with women over my originality. This post by a guru named corvette aka Illuminatus is one of the best posts I have ever read and will make

www.theskillsmethod.com

How to spot down to fuck women (dtf), over extensions, body language tells, warm approaches and approach invites - The Skills Method

Hey guy sorry about the website being down for couple of days, due to stupidity of my domain provider.... Anyways, this is an important video that will help you tremendously it is a remake of my old video on identifying down to fuck women (one of the most popular). I am redoing my old videos

www.theskillsmethod.com

@Arnav

whatch this video, he explain the why when you wait to approach creep women out...

Some eye contact openers:

" how are you going to look at me and not say hi/or introduce yourself" cajun
"i notice you, noticing me, so i want to put you on notice" Fresh prince (will smith) funny
"i saw that" "i saw that" repeat it twice with acting
"you were looking at me"

she said no i was not

you say "you totally were i saw it'

she says no

you say you totally were, look you are doing it right now, enough enough, i am anva (gll)

 

[Arnav]

Should have approached her right there and then.

She rejected your approach.

Should have moved on immediately.

The same thing happened to my cousin. Some skinny Indian dude kept stalking her on the way to work and made a few feeble attempts to talk to her.

Her brother called me up to accompany him and stand behind him with my "bouncer look" while he told the dude to stay the fuck away from his sister.

The Indian dude genuinely had no idea he was being creepy.

It's already a great step you thought about writing about this situation. It means you're open to feedback and that's great.

You were being creepy.

It's one of the reasons some pretty girls become bitches.

They realise that simply smiling to a dude can result in that dude stalking her. It's a real safety issue. Even if they're genuinely nice people, they learn it's better not to be warm so as not to risk signalling the wrong dude.

Yeah I think i misread her smile, maybe it was her way of diffusing tension wjen I was gazing at her. this will imrove my intution in such situations hopefully.

Thanks for the perspective.

 

[Arnav]

@Arnav don't sweat it man, take it as a learning experience.

If there's one lesson to take from this, it's the following:

Creepiness = Attention + Distance

If you want to not be creepy, either

a) don't pay lots of attention, or
b) close the distance

The biggest mistake here imo was this:



She gave you a clear opening and you acted like you got 'caught' and moved away. I know it makes sense to approach when she's not with a friend, but that's not her perspective. Her perspective is that you are afraid of your intentions being known, which makes them seem like bad ones.

Even if you didn't stop and talk to her here you needed to acknowledge it, smile, wave, say hello in passing, or something to move things forward a little and lay the scene for the next interaction.



I think you smoothed it over as best you could have.

If you want to be less nervous, be more relaxed and open to meeting her asap, instead of trying to lay in wait until the perfect opportunity.

The worst feeling is when you want to be close to a girl, but out of anxiety you stay away, and then when you do interact with her that anxiety has already changed her perspective of you for the worse.

A man who lives out his intentions in the moment is a man who doesn't get very nervous about anything.

Yeah I guess needed this learning experience to expose my blindspots.

What bothered me most Will was the self esteem hit after the confrontatiom, which also takes a hit when get harsh approach rejections like very irritated reaction or disgusted face though these are v. rare for me(1 in 60) it takes a lot of time for me to emotionally recover from them. I don't feel bad abt neutral rej. at all and move one pretty easily.

do you feel similar self esteem hits after harsh rejections now, If not what do you think makes one immune to them

 

[Will_V]

Yeah I guess needed this learning experience to expose my blindspots.

What bothered me most Will was the self esteem hit after the confrontatiom, which also takes a hit when get harsh approach rejections like very irritated reaction or disgusted face though these are v. rare for me(1 in 60) it takes a lot of time for me to emotionally recover from them. I don't feel bad abt neutral rej. at all and move one pretty easily.

do you feel similar self esteem hits after harsh rejections now, If not what do you think makes one immune to them

The best way I've found to deal with bad reactions from women (and people in general) is to try to understand why it happened and a) if I can see why it happened, just accept it as a lesson about what I need to change and b) if I can't understand why it happened, just put it down to something going on in their head that I can't control.

I've gotten a few bad reactions like you described over the years - disgusted face, being blanked (the worst lol), etc - and I've found it usually happens with girls whose personalities smell of an inferiority complex. There's a certain demographic of girls who I do the worst with, they have some combination of:

- Being average looking
- Being foreign to the country and looking like they're trying to fit in
- Having a very stilted, un-spontaneous vibe
- Coming across as valuing themselves by some position in society, rather than their experience of themselves

They are basically out of touch with themselves, and get reactive to anyone who doesn't follow the cultural and social norms they worship.

Also, when I get rejected right away I typically am approaching not because I really like the look of her but because she's an opportunity, and she can probably smell that too.

...

That said I really don't think this girl here was out of line. She basically gave you a couple of opportunities to meet her, and when she felt uncomfortable she came to see what was up, with backup.

I know it feels horrible to be in that sort of situation but this is the kind of thing you need to laugh about at the end of the day. Life is a series of fun and games even when it's not going right, and shouldn't be taken too seriously. You basically got caught with your pants down and you gotta just own that and let it be.

One time I got confronted by a couple of girls in day game, one of them I'd approached a few days before when I wasn't really in a good mood for it. She accused me of making her uncomfortable and I told her very honestly that I hadn't meant to, but I thought she was pretty and wanted to say hi. The friend sort of tried to make some issue out of approaching girls I didn't know, and I asked her "how else should you meet someone you find attractive in public?" They both tried to act outraged but it fizzled out when they couldn't really make a good argument.

The key is to be open with women in general - open about your desires, open about your views on things, but presented in a calibrated way. Ready to give an account of yourself at all times. No situation can be thoroughly bad when it's an opportunity to express yourself and your identity.

 

[KnownUniverse]

you are actually creepy bringing up lilly in an example that has nothing to do with lilly or any similarities (different gender dynamics )..

let me explain to you the difference: in lilly example she got "fuck off" body language and she did not approach and let it go...

op got "fuck off" body language and he kept persisting..

another different Lilly has something call a pussy, op has something call a dick...

Introduction to Approach Invites/Warm approach (Featuring Corvette aka Illuminatus) - The Skills Method

I quote in my book, posts and in my blog tons of good seducers, why? Cause I do not have a big ego, I put your getting good with women over my originality. This post by a guru named corvette aka Illuminatus is one of the best posts I have ever read and will make

www.theskillsmethod.com

How to spot down to fuck women (dtf), over extensions, body language tells, warm approaches and approach invites - The Skills Method

Hey guy sorry about the website being down for couple of days, due to stupidity of my domain provider.... Anyways, this is an important video that will help you tremendously it is a remake of my old video on identifying down to fuck women (one of the most popular). I am redoing my old videos

www.theskillsmethod.com

@Arnav

whatch this video, he explain the why when you wait to approach creep women out...

Some eye contact openers:

" how are you going to look at me and not say hi/or introduce yourself" cajun
"i notice you, noticing me, so i want to put you on notice" Fresh prince (will smith) funny
"i saw that" "i saw that" repeat it twice with acting
"you were looking at me"

she said no i was not

you say "you totally were i saw it'

she says no

you say you totally were, look you are doing it right now, enough enough, i am anva (gll)

ok, man, i was just joking. and i dont give women the pussy pass.

 

[Arnav]

The best way I've found to deal with bad reactions from women (and people in general) is to try to understand why it happened and a) if I can see why it happened, just accept it as a lesson about what I need to change and b) if I can't understand why it happened, just put it down to something going on in their head that I can't control.

I've gotten a few bad reactions like you described over the years - disgusted face, being blanked (the worst lol), etc - and I've found it usually happens with girls whose personalities smell of an inferiority complex. There's a certain demographic of girls who I do the worst with, they have some combination of:

- Being average looking
- Being foreign to the country and looking like they're trying to fit in
- Having a very stilted, un-spontaneous vibe
- Coming across as valuing themselves by some position in society, rather than their experience of themselves

They are basically out of touch with themselves, and get reactive to anyone who doesn't follow the cultural and social norms they worship.

Also, when I get rejected right away I typically am approaching not because I really like the look of her but because she's an opportunity, and she can probably smell that too.

...

That said I really don't think this girl here was out of line. She basically gave you a couple of opportunities to meet her, and when she felt uncomfortable she came to see what was up, with backup.

I know it feels horrible to be in that sort of situation but this is the kind of thing you need to laugh about at the end of the day. Life is a series of fun and games even when it's not going right, and shouldn't be taken too seriously. You basically got caught with your pants down and you gotta just own that and let it be.

One time I got confronted by a couple of girls in day game, one of them I'd approached a few days before when I wasn't really in a good mood for it. She accused me of making her uncomfortable and I told her very honestly that I hadn't meant to, but I thought she was pretty and wanted to say hi. The friend sort of tried to make some issue out of approaching girls I didn't know, and I asked her "how else should you meet someone you find attractive in public?" They both tried to act outraged but it fizzled out when they couldn't really make a good argument.

The key is to be open with women in general - open about your desires, open about your views on things, but presented in a calibrated way. Ready to give an account of yourself at all times. No situation can be thoroughly bad when it's an opportunity to express yourself and your identity.

Okay , thanks for sharing your experiences. Helps me calm down a bit knowing i am not the only one who faces such things ocassionaly.

 

[Will_V]

Okay , thanks for sharing your experiences. Helps me calm down a bit knowing i am not the only one who faces such things ocassionaly.

It's very rare for these things to happen when you're doing things right, that's the only time I've ever had a girl complain to me and it was obvious what the issue was, I'd gone out in a pretty anxious state (and was also green at the game at that time) and the approach was kind of awkward. I was also in a bit of a mass approach phase (something I really advocate against these days because of the internal feeling and vibe it gives you).

When you keep close to top of mind what her perspective of you is, it's usually easy to tell when something is going to land well or not.

And if you end up in an awkward situation just remember she's not your enemy, you still have a mouth and she still has ears, and from there all good things are possible.

 

[AspiringStoic]

Just another point reading this. I know some guys who are new and don't have the social calibration trying to do the pinging thing or the "testing for IOI" thing and creeping girls out.

Just reading this guys' report there is a lot of of she smiled at me, she did this, she did that, therefore I thought it meant x or y or z.

Especially for beginners, the "safest" thing to do is walk up to the girl, approach her, communicate your interest directly and if she is not interested, leave her alone and stay far far away from her and talk to other girls instead.

But a bunch of redpill guys talking about "choosing signals" and other articles written albeit with good intentions on scanning for IOIs can really lead newbies and especially guys who have problems with social cues into serious trouble.

Approaching and being up front and getting it over with is way more safer than doing any of this stuff.

In trying to avoid rejection or adverse consequences, you actually get yourself into even worse trouble.