FR Gym guy behavior feedback needed

[Lilly]

you're just scared of rejection. It's been 6 weeks and you still havent found alignment. You could've approached him on day one and got this out of the way.




So you've been saving yourself for true love yet obsessed with a guy just because he's hot?

Why would I approach a random muscular guy? What if he’s dangerous? I don’t know anything about him. He might as well be a horrible person that could endanger me. No thanks.

Not sure where you gleaned an obsession. I haven’t thought about him for over a month since I barely saw him at the gym. If he’d carried on mostly ignoring me and not acting unusual, I wouldn’t be thinking about him again at all. But since I don’t have any other attractive men my age around, why not focus on the one guy who’s around sometimes? Women need some entertainment, too, and at the very least this situation offers some novelty.

 

[Faramir]

Why would I approach a random muscular guy? What if he’s dangerous? I don’t know anything about him. He might as well be a horrible person that could endanger me. No thanks.

Not sure where you gleaned an obsession. I haven’t thought about him for over a month since I barely saw him at the gym. If he’d carried on mostly ignoring me and not acting unusual, I wouldn’t be thinking about him again at all. But since I don’t have any other attractive men my age around, why not focus on the one guy who’s around sometimes? Women need some entertainment, too, and at the very least this situation offers some novelty.

I've been the guy on the other side of this. On a group bicycle ride, I spent some time talking with a woman. At the end of the ride I suggested we get together again. She had a kind of hesitant expression but said that she didn't know me well enough.

Like that cyclist, you don't want to approach the guy because you don't know anything about him, but it's clear that you won't know anything about him unless you approach him. You're hoping to find true love -- with a co-worker or a friend of a friend, a very limited pool.

Obviously, women need to be more concerned about psychos than we do. You should follow the standard advice of meeting him in a public place and not putting yourself in a dangerous situation. But beginning to talk with him in the gym is safe.

I agree with Skater's advice that you should approach him. One possibility would be to follow up on the unusual situation that he was there with someone: "I remember seeing you here several weeks ago, showing your brother how to use the machines, but I don't think I've seen him since. Did he pick some other fitness activity, or did he just decide that he couldn't keep up with you?" Maybe he'll say "My wife was leaning on him to work out but he didn't like it" and there's your answer. More likely, you two have a casual conversation. Then the next time you're both at the gym, it's easier for either of you to smile, say hello, and start talking again.

You have an advantage over the cyclist woman I mentioned: You have good odds of seeing this guy again. If he seems interested in talking with you, then over several gym visits you can get past the "don't know anything about him" stage. Then there might be coffee or a dinner in a public place. And if nothing gels (e.g., he's not attracted to you), then you just go back to enjoying the eye candy.

 

[OldGuy]

In read advice on travel and it said ask people for help since almost all are goo, but be wary of those who approach you. You should not worry too much about approaching him, the only problems you will see are 1 he has a woman already and 2, he is looking for a man. Of course, the relationship might not work out anyway, but that can occur even if the guy approaches you.

 

[justonemoreperson]

Just approach him. Be a man!(for only a moment)...

But seriously lady you come across a bit like a stalker/creep... Is this what most women are doing while men are minding their business?

 

[KJ Francis]

I teased her for another sauna story but in her defense it's simply hovering... She is wired differently than a man. It goes to show we make big assumptions about low interest. If she's nearby and looking she may be internally dying to talk to you.

He is the one who should be posting here

 

[justonemoreperson]

If she's nearby and looking she may be internally dying to talk to you.

Yea bro, definitely a mindset change for me looking back at all the girls that have given me obvious signals I never capitalized on...

 

[KJ Francis]

Yea bro, definitely a mindset change for me looking back at all the girls that have given me obvious signals I never capitalized on...

For sure man, especially as a teen I was so dumb. Multiple times girls alone in my room, etc.

 

[Lilly]

Final update: I never posted the conclusion to this wonky situation, but the kind replies I’ve received from everyone deserve one.

Turns out he was very uncomfortable in my presence and started avoiding eye contact with me, putting his hoodie hood over his head when walking past me, then also avoiding being in the same gym area as me, and I haven’t seen him in two months now.

And while I understand that the “Just approach him” crowd has a point, I’m glad I didn’t initiate anything. He either is taken, just wasn’t interested, or might even be homosexual/asexual. So I avoided a potentially disastrous awkwardness which might’ve made me avoid the gym for a while which would’ve sucked.

Thanks everyone for your replies and helpful insights!

 

[KJ Francis]

He either is taken

could be! I think you said you're slim and were wearing a crop top... if a girl is hovering and staring, it doesn't make sense to me that it would make a single guy uncomfortable to this level:

he was very uncomfortable in my presence and started avoiding eye contact with me, putting his hoodie hood over his head when walking past me, then also avoiding being in the same gym area as me

like if he's nervous I think it would be more like petrified, frozen behavior at worst. not discomfort and avoidance.

whereas if he's devoted in a relationship, maybe he was picking up your interest signals and without being able to reciprocate the energy in any way, withdrawing is all that's left to do. if a girl has a boyfriend and isn't compliant because of that, if you project interest and intent at her, she's similarly going to close off and eject.

 

[noReason]

if a girl is hovering and staring, it doesn't make sense to me that it would make a single guy uncomfortable to this level:

The level to which Lilly is uncomfortable with her sexuality towards men... (Note: I do not want to presume here that she does indeed have sexual feelings towards men).

I think only women who look at guys with sexual intent will make a typical single guy feel as though his approach is desired. If a girl is just staring (also she did very little hovering at all), projecting no sexual intent, he might just feel like he's being watched, being monitored, she thinks he's a problem, an enemy, a threat, etc.

"

(Lilly) might even be homosexual/asexual.

"

 

[KJ Francis]

I think only women who look at guys with sexual intent will make a typical single guy feel as though his approach is desired

I guess that's a good point the typical guy might not have any awareness of approach invitations.

I may be really biased because I always assume attraction and train myself to see subtle cues. Example if I sense a girl in an elevator is aware of me in peripheral vision (like in a daytime office without safety fear), I view that as an approach invitation because she'll otherwise not have you as much in her awareness radius, even in an elevator.

If you even move your own head down a little and put your vision away from her, she will often subtly auto reject and mirror her awareness away. If instead you raise your chin slightly and keep her in your own peripheral, she may turn in slightly toward you. And then you can open. Micro escalation pre-open. I can see this would be imperceptible to the average guy, but there is real sexual tension there.

 

[noReason]

aware of me in peripheral vision

Yes, I have not verbalized this before but I have experienced it many times.

For a long time, I thought women have a wider range of peripheral vision than guys do, but they probably just have a few more neurons continuously tracking what they are not focusing on in their field of view, as opposed to laser-focused guys.

 

[Lilly]

could be! I think you said you're slim and were wearing a crop top... if a girl is hovering and staring, it doesn't make sense to me that it would make a single guy uncomfortable to this level:


like if he's nervous I think it would be more like petrified, frozen behavior at worst. not discomfort and avoidance.

whereas if he's devoted in a relationship, maybe he was picking up your interest signals and without being able to reciprocate the energy in any way, withdrawing is all that's left to do. if a girl has a boyfriend and isn't compliant because of that, if you project interest and intent at her, she's similarly going to close off and eject.

Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe he wasn’t in a relationship during the first encounters, but after some weeks he was and withdrew completely. Thank you for your insight!

 

[Lilly]

The level to which Lilly is uncomfortable with her sexuality towards men... (Note: I do not want to presume here that she does indeed have sexual feelings towards men).

I think only women who look at guys with sexual intent will make a typical single guy feel as though his approach is desired. If a girl is just staring (also she did very little hovering at all), projecting no sexual intent, he might just feel like he's being watched, being monitored, she thinks he's a problem, an enemy, a threat, etc.

"

"

To be truthful, I don’t have sexual feelings towards random men indeed. I’m looking for a committed partnership, not a fling, so that’s the energy I lead with naturally.

In this case, there were several things about him I disliked from the start, like his tats, so in the end it’s not really a loss. It just felt hurtful and confusing when he suddenly went cold.

Thanks for your input!

 

[KJ Francis]

Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe he wasn’t in a relationship during the first encounters, but after some weeks he was and withdrew completely. Thank you for your insight!

Good luck... I hope you won't have to approach, but if you do end up in an elevator or waiting in lines, I'd say just go for "how's your day going" within three seconds. Feels natural

 

[KnownUniverse]

Turns out he was very uncomfortable in my presence and started avoiding eye contact with me, putting his hoodie hood over his head when walking past me, then also avoiding being in the same gym area as me, and I haven’t seen him in two months now.

And while I understand that the “Just approach him” crowd has a point, I’m glad I didn’t initiate anything. He either is taken, just wasn’t interested, or might even be homosexual/asexual. So I avoided a potentially disastrous awkwardness which might’ve made me avoid the gym for a while which would’ve sucked.

I dont think you avoided awkwardness. I think you made it so awkward you forced him to leave the gym. And on top of that you reinforced a negative belief that being creepy and stalking someone is more productive than pushing your comfort zone and being upfront with your intentions.

Imagine if he reported you for being creepy and the staff came and had a word with you. That would be way more awkward than just saying "hi, nice shirt" and getting ignored. But you're lucky he didnt do that.

That's why It's always better to take action or do nothing at all (dont stare or hover just ignore them).

 

[Lilly]

I dont think you avoided awkwardness. I think you made it so awkward you forced him to leave the gym. And on top of that you reinforced a negative belief that being creepy and stalking someone is more productive than pushing your comfort zone and being upfront with your intentions.

Imagine if he reported you for being creepy and the staff came and had a word with you. That would be way more awkward than just saying "hi, nice shirt" and getting ignored. But you're lucky he didnt do that.

That's why It's always better to take action or do nothing at all (dont stare or hover just ignore them).

I didn’t stalk him. I didn’t follow him around the gym or stared at him nonstop. So there’s nothing he could’ve “reported”.
And the whole concept of a huge muscled guy “reporting” a tiny woman is pathetic. I also am friendly with the gym staff and they definitely don’t think I’m “creepy”.

Besides, if a guy leaves the gym because of a woman he sees twice a month max then that guy is frankly weak and a loser.

 

[Will_V]

Lol this thread is a fun insight into the different psychology of guys and girls in courtship.

It's a man's role to make a move, and women are perfectly correct in leaving it to him. It's the first filter of male competence, one that he has no right to get a pass on. And this dude didn't fare so well. So be it!

Just goes to show the importance as a man of knowing how to take advantage of an opportunity.

 

[Skills]

Final update: I never posted the conclusion to this wonky situation, but the kind replies I’ve received from everyone deserve one.

Turns out he was very uncomfortable in my presence and started avoiding eye contact with me, putting his hoodie hood over his head when walking past me, then also avoiding being in the same gym area as me, and I haven’t seen him in two months now.

And while I understand that the “Just approach him” crowd has a point, I’m glad I didn’t initiate anything. He either is taken, just wasn’t interested, or might even be homosexual/asexual. So I avoided a potentially disastrous awkwardness which might’ve made me avoid the gym for a while which would’ve sucked.

Thanks everyone for your replies and helpful insights!

the approach him crowd is retarded, listen to what will said... You did what you had to do which is open body language and give him approach invites, and proximity... It is his job as a dude to act on that.... It was obvious he was giving you negative reactions, so you did not approach, which is the correct move... You did not do anything wrong....

 

[Lilly]

was

the approach him crowd is retarded, listen to what will said... You did what you had to do which is open body language and give him approach invites, and proximity... It is his job as a dude to act on that.... It was obvious he was giving you negative reactions, so you did not approach, which is the correct move... You did not do anything wrong....

Thank you!