Hate discussing ex's - issue?

Fluxcapacitor

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Dudes! So I absolutely hate it when ex's are brought up. I'm not sure if this is a mindset issue I need to change or whether it's fine?

I've noticed a few times am talking to a girl, during a deep dive or something I will ask a question an they will mention an ex (even innocently where it's part of the story and not cause they're still not over them) and I'll just completely cut that topic of conversation.

I'm just like no I want to have fun and keep this fun so if this topic relates to an ex I'll drop it and move on. To the same extent I hate discussing my ex's, I won't bring them up it's never oh I done that with my ex, I would simply say I've done that/been there and if more is asked it was with a friend or just a name. I done that with alexis (purposely avoiding ex)

I know they will have past lovers an boyfriends, a just don't want to hear about it. Just wondering if this will come across as an insecurity?

Thoughts? Thanks dudes!
 

Fuck This

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Especially when you get in to your 40's there is gonna be men before you. There WILL be comparisons made. Just this weekend, my GF mentioned how her Ex husband's family (from 13 years ago) had season tickets to a major league sports team. I basically didn't acknowledge the comment because she didn't make it a challenge "How come you don't....." it was more of a explanation of the circumstances.

When I talk about my ex -wife, it is as "My children's mother" because that is how I deal with her these days. Same delivery as "My children's teacher" or "my children's coach" . Some one who is involved in their lives and has a claim on their time and performance, but no one who is involved with us as a couple.

I know there were boyfriends before me. I've never asked about names or activities and never met them. If I was to be challenged on the ex issue, my response would be: "I won't be compared to them. I live my life and our life without worrying about what other people think or do and what happens between us is between us and immune to comparison. OUR life started X years ago and those moments are the ones that count."
 

Skills

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i totally love and encourage to talk about the ex..... The more they talk about the exes the better, so i get info..... and inside intelligence of what she does not like (no what she says, of course you need to read within the lines), sex, etc....

i encourage women to talk about exes the more the better... i am not talking you being the "nice guy" ear to hear about the bad boy ex.. I am talking about as part of opening up...
 

Fluxcapacitor

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@Fuck This thanks for the reply. I read the article you linked and I don’t think this is what I am personally dealing with and maybe I didn’t explain myself to well. I’m very much like you in the mentality of we met X and that’s what counts. Also in the way of “my kids mother” as I would address something referring an ex with a name. “I went there with Jess” rather than “I went there with my ex” again to show a connection but someone that holds no power. I have dealt with girls retrospective jealousy which is something I’ve always answered with the I’m with you now and that’s what counts. They have openly stated that they would be jealous of the girls I’ve been with which was a crazy concept for me cause its already happened.

Like you I don’t acknowledge comments about ex’s because they’re not challenges, I just ignore it. It’s not productive and I’m not interested if her ex had season tickets or not. I don’t question their past and therefore I don’t judge them for it, it happened before me, it has no impact on me. I’m not slightly curious about it, I don’t want to ask about it and I find it really weird if the girl wants to give a lot of information about it. I guess I don’t want to explore this avenue (@Skills ) to ensure I don’t become a nice guy listening about their bad boy ex. I'm about having good times together not bringing up the past.

I was with a girl before who when we were out once offered me a back massage, later on she mentioned how her ex made her give him a back massage every night and had a look of resentment/disgust. Well now I don’t want a back massage! I don’t even know why she offered? I now feel like I am a replacement to fit his space and if she isn’t making me a replacement she might hold some bitterness about the massage after the look of resentment she gave and why replay bad experiences?

I see where skills is coming from with intelligence but I don't want to grill or investigate it and I don't want to touch on a subject she might not be comfortable talking about. If a girl is still hung up on their ex I will walk, if it dominates their conversation if its all they ever want to talk about its a red flag to me.
 

BigPapa

Space Monkey
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Well , look at the pattern amigo :)

they either are telling you indirectly that they do not like giving you a back rub , or either are telling you indirectly that her ex was higher Value than you .

hope I was not too direct and feel offended now , i just wanted to give you a different perspective on why they are saying what they are saying :)

me personally , I was never in this situation of girls telling me things about their exes 0
 

Fluxcapacitor

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@BigPapa dude! no offence taken, she offered and I still haven't got that back rub. When we got to hers I fucked her until she couldn't take anymore. She might have thought he was higher value but I was the best sex of her life. Years later she's still chasing me.

The spin I took was she thinks shes good at them, all men want them (from her experience) and she was trying to impress me by giving me one. If she didn't like giving back rubs she never had to offer. The girl ended up being a cluster B and I got shot pretty quickly anyway! Haha
 

BigPapa

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Crazy girls do not count haha

also do not forget about the difference between a lover and a provider .One thing she is comparing when you are seen as a lover , and other things she is comparing when having a relationship ( being a provider )
 
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Skills

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@Fuck This thanks for the reply. I read the article you linked and I don’t think this is what I am personally dealing with and maybe I didn’t explain myself to well. I’m very much like you in the mentality of we met X and that’s what counts. Also in the way of “my kids mother” as I would address something referring an ex with a name. “I went there with Jess” rather than “I went there with my ex” again to show a connection but someone that holds no power. I have dealt with girls retrospective jealousy which is something I’ve always answered with the I’m with you now and that’s what counts. They have openly stated that they would be jealous of the girls I’ve been with which was a crazy concept for me cause its already happened.

Like you I don’t acknowledge comments about ex’s because they’re not challenges, I just ignore it. It’s not productive and I’m not interested if her ex had season tickets or not. I don’t question their past and therefore I don’t judge them for it, it happened before me, it has no impact on me. I’m not slightly curious about it, I don’t want to ask about it and I find it really weird if the girl wants to give a lot of information about it. I guess I don’t want to explore this avenue (@Skills ) to ensure I don’t become a nice guy listening about their bad boy ex. I'm about having good times together not bringing up the past.

I was with a girl before who when we were out once offered me a back massage, later on she mentioned how her ex made her give him a back massage every night and had a look of resentment/disgust. Well now I don’t want a back massage! I don’t even know why she offered? I now feel like I am a replacement to fit his space and if she isn’t making me a replacement she might hold some bitterness about the massage after the look of resentment she gave and why replay bad experiences?

I see where skills is coming from with intelligence but I don't want to grill or investigate it and I don't want to touch on a subject she might not be comfortable talking about. If a girl is still hung up on their ex I will walk, if it dominates their conversation if its all they ever want to talk about its a red flag to me.


dude, you do not have to drill to investigate, that is not what i was implying more into "openess" as she opens up on experiences with ex sexually, relationship etc... you can gather intelligence, that you can use to your advantage "my ex was soo controlling" now you have some intelligence not to be all up in her biz "my ex wanted to be with me 24/7" now you have intelligence that she needs space, "my ex did anal and it hurt, or 3 some and it sucked" now you have intelligence on how to go and frame that...

as i said i am not talking about the emotional tampon/friendzone hearing about the bad boy ex, i assumed since you are on the forum that probably is not you... However i am worried about your overraction about women talking about exes... you want the women to be as open as possible with you..... again not talking about emotional tampon.... i know about my girls exes more than they know about them...
 

Fluxcapacitor

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@Skills dude! I didn't think you did mean to investigate and the examples that you have gave I in "openness" I relate to and not against getting this intelligence at all. What I was meaning was I wouldn't want to explore the "my ex was soo controlling" statement by asking what he done or stuff, I would take the intelligence and use it for what it was.

You are right to assume that am not the emotional tampon friendzone guy, but I was slightly worried about potentially overreacting myself dude so I have asked if its an insecurity/inner game issue.

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or just steering the seduction. The latest example I can think of is I fight in MMA and this girl said she likes MMA but she hasn't seen it for a while. I asked why she hasn't watched in a while and she said she used to watch it with her ex and since they split up she's avoided it. I instantly stopped asking more questions about MMA, all I could think about was asking what she thought of McGregor making his return but thought if she hasn't seen it in a while its pointless, and I wasn't wanting to get into a conversation over text. So I steered clear of this to hit a high point to schedule our next meet.

I guess it depends on context? Thanks dudes
 

Skills

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@Skills dude! I didn't think you did mean to investigate and the examples that you have gave I in "openness" I relate to and not against getting this intelligence at all. What I was meaning was I wouldn't want to explore the "my ex was soo controlling" statement by asking what he done or stuff, I would take the intelligence and use it for what it was.

You are right to assume that am not the emotional tampon friendzone guy, but I was slightly worried about potentially overreacting myself dude so I have asked if its an insecurity/inner game issue.

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or just steering the seduction. The latest example I can think of is I fight in MMA and this girl said she likes MMA but she hasn't seen it for a while. I asked why she hasn't watched in a while and she said she used to watch it with her ex and since they split up she's avoided it. I instantly stopped asking more questions about MMA, all I could think about was asking what she thought of McGregor making his return but thought if she hasn't seen it in a while its pointless, and I wasn't wanting to get into a conversation over text. So I steered clear of this to hit a high point to schedule our next meet.

I guess it depends on context? Thanks dudes

Oh I see, now based on the mma example you are playing it safe, if is me I talk about Whatever I want regardless, she is in my frame and world, but yes is inner issue and little to do with exes
 

BigPapa

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From experience , when girls tell this kind of stuff it also means that she liked a lot her ex .

Just to give you an example , i love animals a lot and usually nickname my exes kitty cat or something along the lines , even though at the beginning they were saying that they do not like cats at all , and I would just continue and saying that cats are amazing beings because x,y,z etc . Guess what , years after most of them have cats as pets haha , even though I never had an actual cat , and never even considered it .

I would say that you have to improve your inner game a little bit as I believe that you still have some doubts from time to time about yourself .

it is good that you did not continue the mma subject because it just did not make any sense, and you would not have gained anything of value from it :)

women just say this kind of things from time to time and you can not be butthurt about it. If you are willing to fix your inner game just go and look at her ex on social media , see the areas where he might better than you and focus on improving the main ones , and just see it only as a self improving journey .
 
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Fluxcapacitor

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@BigPapa dude! ironically I don't feel any self doubt about girls I have met, at least not to an extent that I notice? (I occasionally have doubt over girls I haven't met and have thought they are well out of my league and that I have no chance before but I have always approached these girls anyway and have always been successful with them) I never worry that I won't compare to an ex, I always think I am better than anyone she will meet. I let my interactions do the talking and have broke up a few relationships with girls telling me how great I am, they thought they loved their boyfriend until they met me. Other comments like "you're perfect" and after sleeping with them "wow I'm not used to that, you're amazing" and stuff like that.

I have no interest in seeing her ex on social media, I have seen a few girls ex's occasionally when I've been out and I strongly feel these girls have upgraded :')

As I mentioned to @Skills with the example its more playing it safe and avoiding shit topics.

If this is an inner issue and not much to do with ex's how can I work past this? I can't quite figure out what is happening internally. Thanks dudes!
 

BigPapa

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The only time I get pissed from this kind of things is only when I see that her ex was way lower value than me .

it took me a while to understand why this is pissing me off and I realized that this was because I though she is a girl that I want to have a relationship with but then again Looking back at her ex I just see that she has bad taste in men , and I can not have a relationship with someone like that . Then I also realized that it was not anger , but disappointment .

this feeling also happens to me when I do not manage to seal the deal as fast than I want to because she puts me in the Boyfriend box , and I feel that she tried to scam me in believing that she is better than she actually is :)

maybe is something along those lines also for you ?
 

Fluxcapacitor

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@BigPapa that really resonates with me dude! Both the disappointment and not sealing the deal as fast as I want and thought I could/should have.

It also explains my thoughts about a girl I didn't sleep with. It is a bitter disappointment to me and something despite letting it go because I can't change it still frustrates me. (This sounds vague but this girl was the mystical unicorn that is girlfriend material. I haven't met many girls of this quality maybe just 1 other. I was levelling up in a big way and lost out haha I'm more a fuck yes/no scale dude but this was a personal perfect 10)
 
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