Socializing I am afraid of connecting with people and opening up to them.

[justonemoreperson]

So I have a serious problem with being extremely inhibited in person. When I am around people, I create this shell or barrier where I am in my own world and tuning others out. It feels comfortable, it feels safe. I won't disclose my past but things in my life led me to become protective of my vulnerabilities, and it has turned me into a person that is afraid of reaching out to people who clearly want me to be a part of their lives. When I am in public, I am typically polite, pleasant, but short and to the point. When people try to make conversations with me, they are always shut down by my nonchalant attitude in which I don't give them any room to continue talking and connecting with me. I cut the conversations short. But the truth is while I do this, inside in my thoughts, I think about all the things I wish I could've said. I feel a lot of anxiety during this, and feel anxiety just being around other people. My throat clumps up, and the only words that I usually muster towards another stranger are things I need to get my way, like asking someone at the gym if I can work in with them, or if they are using a machine, or asking someone if they are in line for something, or asking workers for information. I am very confident when I need to talk my way to get something done. But outside of that, I am a mute seemingly incapable of getting over myself.

I often see from people's behaviors around me that they would like to strike up a conversation with me, that they may be intrigued about me and wish to be my friend, or women who are clearly interested in me who often frown or get upset when they realize that my friendly and charming demeanor is superficial, and that I am not open to pursuing a connection with them. Or so they think. I am just afraid, or perhaps that I've conditioned myself to be this way for such a long time. For my whole life essentially. It's a programming that I am desperate to break free of.

I've made so many strides with women in online dating, and yet, even though I never have this issue I am talking about when I am out on a date with a woman that clearly likes me, when I interact with other people on this date, that anxious and inhibited personality rears its ugly head and shows itself when I interact with others, and I can tell my dates find it a little weird or awkward. It has never stopped me from getting lays, but why must I be that way? What makes strangers so different from these girls I go into dates with knowing that I will follow a process and not being worried about whether I come off as silly or just being myself? Perhaps it is the fact that I am only comfortable when I am following a process.

I need to desperately shed this aspect of me. It has stopped me from making friends, meeting beautiful women, and just simply enjoying life the way a socially adept person can. I've been living my life like an introvert, when deep down I am actually an anxious extrovert in a cage. I've seen glimpses of how people can be around me when I open up, and I long to infect people with my positive energy, my intelligence, and my great sense of humor. And in return, I want the validation of human beings. I want to feel like I am someone that society wants and appreciates. But the only thing I've learned to feel is lonely and outcasted. Even when I am fucking girls, I still feel lonely. Their validation is nothing but a thin veil that can be easily severed, and then I feel like an outsider again.

I want my self-esteem to stem from more than the women I fuck. I want it to stem from being someone that others gravitate towards, that others go out of their way to help, that others want to see succeed. I want it to stem from helping others, guiding them, being someone people look up to and see with wonder. I want people to see me as a great man.

The only time in my life that I was able to shed my anxious and closed off demeanor was when I got a job in sales. It was a great challenge that forced me to become truly social, and to connect with people and care about them. I became truly socially fearless and outgoing, and I truly do believe that is the person I am meant to be. When I stopped that job, I quickly regressed back into my old self.

I want to be a better version of that man. I am tired of wasting my life away being afraid. I am currently searching for a sales job again, but there has to be other ways that will help me accomplish my goals.

I've been wanting to get into cold approaching as well, I believe this will seriously boost my social fearlessness, but I was wondering if anyone had a simple process I could follow from hello to number/insta date? I find that I can get over my anxiety a lot easier if there is a process in my head to follow. Aside from these two things, what other advice can you guys give me to work on my social skills? @Chase and @Skills if I may summon you, you've both been mentors to me in your own ways, I feel that you may be able to help me with these problems.

Everyone else is of course welcome to send advice my way and I will greatly appreciate all the help I can get.

 

[Francis]

How to Meet Girls via Day Game (Beginner Guide)

Day game is the approach a man uses to meet new women during the daytime. This beginner guide tells you all you need to know to start day gaming girls. Contents 1. What Is Day Game? What Is NOT Day Game? 2. Day Game Hurdles Approach Anxiety Spam Approaching Ejecting Too Soon 3. How to Do Day...

www.girlschase.com

 

[Francis]

simple process I could follow from hello to number/insta date? I find that I can get over my anxiety a lot easier if there is a process in my head to follow. Aside from these two things, what other advice can you guys give me to work on my social skills?

Also perhaps Toastmasters

 

[Francis]

And Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People

 

[Francis]

Oh and perhaps finding a hobby that involves achieving something with others.

Personally it seems male friendship is less based on connecting and relating for the intrinsic sake of bonding like female socializing, and more so to do with alliances in pursuit of an outcome.

So whether it's a sport, making music, or playing with LEGO, engaging in a shared goal might help it feel more genuine to naturally converse and take an interest in others.

 

[justonemoreperson]

Oh and perhaps finding a hobby that involves achieving something with others.

Personally it seems male friendship is less based on connecting and relating for the intrinsic sake of bonding like female socializing, and more so to do with alliances in pursuit of an outcome.

So whether it's a sport, making music, or playing with LEGO, engaging in a shared goal might help it feel more genuine to naturally converse and take an interest in others.

Those are great suggestions! I've had some desire to be a lead singer for a metal band. Also being part of a dance group seems like a great time.

In terms of career, other than sales I think I would also really enjoy being a personal trainer. There's a lot of great social skills needed there to be a great coach because most of the people that hire personal trainers want encouragement, validation, and of course guidance. Women especially

 

[OldGuy]

Second Toastmasters! Also I have been there and eventually got out.

 

[Bill]

It sounds like an issue of deeper emotional blockages that just doing progressive desensitization won’t resolve

 

[Skills]

if you are just an introvert is normal.... But if not you may see if is social anxiety:

Social anxiety (also known as social phobia) is a mental health condition characterized by an intense and persistent fear of being watched, judged, or negatively evaluated by others.

Key Characteristics

• The Core Fear: An irrational worry about being humiliated, embarrassed, or rejected in social or performance situations.
• Impact on Functioning: Unlike normal shyness, social anxiety significantly interferes with daily life, including school, work, and personal relationships.
• Avoidance: Individuals often actively avoid social events—such as parties, meetings, or even simple tasks like talking to a cashier—to escape potential scrutiny.

Common Symptoms
Symptoms can be emotional, physical, and behavioral:

• Physical: Blushing, profuse sweating, trembling, rapid heartbeat, nausea, and dizziness.
• Behavioral: Avoiding eye contact, using a quiet voice, or "freezing up" (mind going blank).
• Cognitive: Intense worry for weeks before an event and "post-event processing" (analyzing and dwelling on perceived flaws after an interaction).

Causes and Risk Factors
Social anxiety typically begins in the early to mid-teens. It is believed to result from a combination of:

• Genetics: A family history of anxiety disorders.
• Brain Structure: An overactive amygdala, which controls the fear response.
• Environment: Negative past experiences such as bullying, public humiliation, or overprotective parenting.

Treatment Options
Social anxiety is a treatable condition. Common approaches include:

• Psychotherapy: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is considered the "gold standard" for helping individuals challenge negative thought patterns and gradually face feared situations (exposure therapy).
• Medication: Healthcare providers may prescribe antidepressants (like SSRIs or SNRIs), beta-blockers for performance-related symptoms, or anti-anxiety medications.
• Support Groups: Sharing experiences with others can help reduce feelings of isolation and provide realistic feedback.

For more information, you can visit the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) or the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA).

This is for informational purposes only. For medical advice or diagnosis, consult a professional. AI responses may include mistakes. Learn more

 

[D. Gately]

Those are great suggestions! I've had some desire to be a lead singer for a metal band. Also being part of a dance group seems like a great time.

In terms of career, other than sales I think I would also really enjoy being a personal trainer. There's a lot of great social skills needed there to be a great coach because most of the people that hire personal trainers want encouragement, validation, and of course guidance. Women especially

Look into CBT. It's really helped multiple people I know. It's very hard to fix the outside if the inside is not fixed.