If Your Penis Goes Limp, Have Her Help You Get It Up


Oct 9, 2012
Over on a thread of his in General, Gifted talked about going soft with a woman he'd picked up, then beating himself up over it and her leaving:

Gifted said:
Then I escalated, took her clothes off, and we went into the bedroom. I had a little difficulty getting hard. The alcohol and coke didn't help, but I feel it was more psychological. But I did get hard. The sex started out amazing but then I got in my head. It lost the passion and after about 10 minutes of fucking, I kinda just laid down on my bed and my dick went soft. I cuddled with her but I felt a sense of dread. I felt like the sex was bad and she was going to leave. Sure enough, very shortly after she got up and put on her clothes. I tried to get her to come back to the bed but she had to go. I felt pretty bad. In that moment, I felt like she viewed me as pathetic (although there was no signal from her this was the case). I got up and started to do some work on my computer. When her lyft came, she said "see you again".

I didn't believe her. I asked her, "do you mean it? I fucking hate one night stands." Then she said yes, of course, blah blah. Now one day later, I didn't receive any text from her.
So, a few things about women's mentalities in the limp-penis situation right off the bat:

  • USUALLY, if a woman is with you, and has taken her clothes off and is about to (or already has) enjoy a hard pounding from you, she is not thinking about you in any kind of "this guy might be some kind of pathetic guy, I don't know" way. If something awkward happens, her first assumption is not going to be that this sexy dude she respects enough to want to take dick from must actually be pathetic. Instead, she is going to try to understand the problem in light of her current understanding of you, which is that you are a man she respects enough to actually want penis from, not that you are pathetic. Even if that is what is going on in YOUR head, unless you show it or tell her it, it is almost certainly not what will be occurring to HER.
  • Instead, what is typically going to happen is she is going to blame herself. She will think "He must not find me attractive" or "There's something wrong with my body" or "I did something to turn him off" or "Oh no, I failed to be sexy enough for a man AGAIN." The majority of women you have this issue with, that is going to be their thoughts
  • There are some women who automatically jump to assuming erectile problems are the guy's problems. These are pretty much universally sexually experienced women who have dealt with guys having performance anxiety before. They do NOT view it as pathetic (though they might find it a little bit funny). Instead, they tend to view it along these lines: "Oh, he's another guy who has trouble getting it up. Well, I hope he'll be able to get it up. Otherwise, that will suck. But oh well, I guess that happens sometimes." It is not nearly as big a deal for them as it is for you. Nor does it reflect as much on you as you think (I have had female friends tell me about guys they tried to hook up with who could not get it up. It doesn't ever seem to impact their impression of these guys much. If they're in social circle and have the chance to run into these guys again, it's not too uncommon for them to try again another time with the same guy a few months later if both are still single. They don't go around thinking "He couldn't get it up, what a pathetic loser!" like men often seem to think women will)

This is a fairly common situation.

It's more disappointing for a woman than anything else.

Women usually do not know exactly what the reason is. They might think they're not attractive enough for you, or they might think you just aren't able to get it up for whatever reason. Unless you've had the misfortune to hook up with a girl with a personality disorder she is not going to think a ton of negative thoughts about you. The fears most men have about this situation are way overblown, and are due to them being too much in their own heads.

Which, really, is an extension of the problem: your penis is soft because you are in your head.

Then you blow the problem way out of proportion because, again, you are still in your head.


You know how, when your penis goes limp, you get all in your head, and you are really worried about what she is thinking, because, you know, it is your job to get hard, and your job to please her, and all that?

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I also thought that way when I'd run into limp-penis scenarios. And it sucked, because I'd be there trying to get it back up, and couldn't.

Then I switched mentalities. I switched it to: "Look, I did my job, she is turned on, her pussy is dripping wet. She desperately wants my cock. Now it is her turn to do her job."

Once I started treating it this way I never had problems with erectile dysfunction again.

You will certainly still run into situations where your penis is not hard, despite having a warm, wet vagina wide open and waiting to receive it.

So what do you do? Follow these steps:

  • Reassure her she's not the problem. You do not want HER to think SHE is the problem, then get self-conscious. If she gets self-conscious, she will lose arousal, and then you will have two people who are both in their heads and neither one is aroused anymore. Instead, the very first step is to tell her "Whoops, sometimes that happens my first time with someone" or "Guess I had a little too much to drink tonight" or "Looks like my blood flow tonight's not as strong as usual." Take the blame and the pressure off her, and put it onto something else. Make it not a big deal: be casual about how you say it, act like you aren't too worried about it. Stay chill. She is going to follow your lead here. If you are cool about it, she'll be cool about it.
  • Give her clear instructions on how to get you hard. It's her job to help you get it up. She's the one who's horny, her pussy is wet, because you did the work to get her there; now she has to do her side of things and get your dick stiff so she can get the pounding she's so horny for. Give her instructions on what you want her to do to get you hard. It helps if you know what turns you on most. Stimulation of the penis is usually pretty important here... whether it's your glans or the underside of the penis that works best for you, you can tell her to focus on that. If you like blow jobs, tell her you need her to "get you ready" and have her suck on your limp penis until it's hard. If you aren't too paranoid about STDs and raw pussy gets you hard, tell her to rub her vagina against your cock until you stiffen up. Or have her do multiple of these things... have her do one, then have her switch to another.
  • Do not worry about the time. You are not under time pressure to get your penis hard. She spent an hour, or two hours, or more in the courtship with you, trying to get to this point. She enjoyed a seduction and an escalation and dumped a bunch of time into this connection she has with you. She is not going to throw her hands up and leave if you can't get your penis hard in two minutes, so long as she understands that she is not the problem, the problem's not a big deal, and you get her into motion, and tell her what to do to get you hard. Also remember that if you don't get hard at first, just continue to finger her, hold her close, make out with her, and just generally keep her warmed up, that way at least one of you remains aroused, while she continues to do her job of trying to turn you on.
  • Cut her some slack. Most girls suck at turning guys on. If it takes her more than 10 or so minutes to get you hard, she may start to feel self-conscious about her lack of ability to make you hard. Remember that for a woman, feeling desired is one of the most important things. It's a blow to her ego that you do not want her and she can't get you hard. Let her pleasure you and try to get you hard for a while, and if you're still not hard, find some ways to be affection with her, to hold her body close to yours, to finger her as she's working on you... just make sure you continue to stimulate her and keep her warmed up and aroused and feeling good and appreciated, even as she tries her best to get you erect.
  • Stay focused on sensation. Let yourself relax. Remind yourself that this woman is here, with you, she is HORNY for you, she WANTS your cock, and she is not going to just run off, because your cock is what she wants, and running off is not going to get her it. So you have plenty of time. Relax, be tranquil, quit stressing out about the time element, and just let her work on your penis, and focus on the sensation of her working. Focus on how her mouth feels around your penis, or how her pussy feels rubbing against it, or her nipples, or her hand, or whatever it is you have her using (and she should be using whatever you want her to use. This is about getting you turned on, after all). Focus on the sensation, quit worrying about the time, and just let her please you.
  • If all else fails, remember soft entry. If she just cannot get it up, soft entry is still an option. It's difficult to do with condoms, but it can be done. Alternately, if you're okay with bareback, that definitely makes things easier. Once your penis is in her and you feel the warmth and softness and sticky wetness of her vagina, often that is going to shake you out of your head enough and get you focused on pleasurable sensations enough that you will stiffen right up.

For a few more tips, make sure you've read my article on getting hard with new women: How to Get Turned On and Beat Performance Anxiety with New Girls.

And just remember the right way to think about this: you did your job. She's turned on. Her pussy is wet. Now you get to kick back, relax, and let her do her job, of making you hard.

Women suck at this, of course, so you are going to have to tell her what to do.

So, relax. Reassure her it's not a big deal, and your soft penis is not her fault.

Then tell her what she's got to do, with which part(s) of her body, to which part of yours, to help get you ready.

And then kick back, close your eyes, and enjoy the ride as she gets to work.