I'm fukt

[odyseus]

the will, again, as a lesson for myself and others-

let nothing erode the will

things will try

many things will try

how do you know you are in the will? do you feel your balls, or your belly or are you stuck in your head? are you in a loop? if you're not sure, you're in a loop. retreat to where its quiet

evoke, invoke, provoke. the world wants to use you. are you supported? are you enabled, is emergence allowed? it is probably trying to keep you, with mediocre tepid reward. it struggles to offer good reward. it struggles to be non coercive. systems have agendas, objective functions. the system above the systems, society, forgot the human element.

i see wall street not as greed but a bunch of machines. a company is a machine, with objective functions. wallstreet is a platform, which is like a machine, with objective functions.

the whole security investing thing is a machine and the great american invention. i know it was dutch kind of but whatever.

most americans are aligned on most things no matter the class. I'm trying to get in liminal state btw and I'm close and closing btw.

i was never aligned. it was never about money and imperial expansion or whatever- doing good, being good, being part of the group abstractly. i always wanted eros and meaning and depth but I don't need obsessive depth, just adequate depth to understand the game- the real game of life

it could only give me friction.. and irony, and bait and switch but I'm very guilty of not seeing what was before my face. optionality or escape velocity is crucial for a man like me

i despise this tepid kind of haha just kidding irony. "haha I don't really want to make love to a beautiful woman." "i don't really want to be charmed by a handsome man". these things gaslight and demoralize the will or the soul and spirit behind said will

but the add here now i want to give is monitor your microbehavior, your clicks, swipes, taps on the phone and where your attention goes and is made to go. follow it. it is your mind after all. don't you want to be self aware and self controlled? note too how loops stay open or get closed and how singular or scattered you are. the goal is to scatter seed not scatter thyself.

note the attention, the reflexes, the minor things, in the transition moments especially.

there is too much I don't know about life but i have to learn the first and obvious things first and foremost.

will can be strengthened- and not by tensing but by correcting mistakes- but the price of that might be the discovery of friction- of toxic friction that is, not natural or inevitable friction.

as your will goes up your desire to execute goes up and your observations of life and systems go up. it is good to strengthen the will but it might outpace architectural affordances.

most people are in servant mode. when rome conquered provinces, they uprooted free peoples- i think- and made many of them slaves. servus, servum and so forth, to labor- laborare, laborant, laborat, laboramus.

the gauls at one point were free i suppose. i don't really know the details or the pre roman make up. i don't also know how caesar conquered- by a few decisive battles probably, the making of examples wherein some small set of tribes or villages were unduly punished, and probably largely won over by attrition and logistical and a kind of economic warfare.

i don't know the tribes or nations there prior. i don't know their traderoutes and integration with europe more broadly. i know little but i know many systems were likely flattened, people made laborers or slaves, and cultures uprooted

servant mode has deep roots. i think free mode has deeper roots- anthropologically.

humans are not like most other animals, sexually-- but cultures got religion. they got institutions, which are mass social technologies, for alignment and governance. that's what a yoke is for on cattle- it aligns two steer. that is technology- alignment technology. I'm all for alignment, especially when it doesn't oppress or insult the soul or spirit. these things might have key top down figures in history but i think they are largely bottom up.


it is very cold for the next couple of days in minnesota and kind of throughout the week and then it will be warmer and that might be it for the year. i should be fine but i think about my heating systems at my properties. see-- this is vigilance. vigilance is not free but i want to abstract away the idea so if I'm ever leading a corp or a fund i can import the same ideas. i don't care about resume cred or interview flex as much anymore but i used to, when my cv was very weak. that was a big deal to me for years, because of the deficit.

it won't be snowing anytime soon. that is a relief- that makes things much easier. it is just the clear cold and ideally the businesses should handle themselves. storms are a part of life. I can't help think that we as a species are on borrowed time- in a historically warm era like the holocene. ah well que sera. i like having surplus you can see and no debts holding me back. i don't need to have perfect understanding or position but i just don't want to miss anything at any scale or resolution. this has always been me.

where have i lived my whole life? this should be interesting

growing up- ranch style house 18 years
college dorms, shared with various roomates. yeah i never lived off campus. ut was a tiny ass city anyway
afterwards- over summer, sublet an apartment, then japan- apartments provided by employer then
different private multi family kind of fun owned by this older eccentric japanese guy if i recall correctly
then thailand guesthouse
then shared living in minneapolis
then organic farms lodgibg camping teepees in california
then travel the world a year- hostels mostly. i hardly remember this, or where i stayed. i saw thailand, india, israel (yeah, but it was more peaceful then) and then egypt, greece, albania, rome, spain i think (brother was living there) and germany and flew home, florida hostel for a bit then california then go back to teach english, poland multi turkey whole house to myself by the mountains! germany multi then back to parents house for a bit, could hardly stand it, roomed with a guy at university and then my own 2br apartment. i should have probably got a wg in germany, leipzig. my life would likely have been different. i was told by a friend to get one but basically i didnt comprehend the instructions. i wouldn't have gotten depressed and deep probably or decided to go back to american university. i might have enrolled in german. who knows

then after the 2br in my home town i got a job offer in the cities and closed on my first house- my first equity. i don't even have the energy or spirit for some reason to consider why i chose the house there. it was exciting to get my first house and close. it was single family. i made it 4br from 3 by hiring a guy. he's a good guy and i really appreciate the work he did

it was single family but i room shared, until the very last year or so.

i was kinda proud at first- not super but a little but i realize and see now that i always had so much inner capacity but no support or encouraging words. rather the encouraging words i did get helped direct me so i had some but nowhere near what i was capable to receive. i was swayable. how was i supposed to know the game and the board? i am not doing bad but thats not enough and i kinda am. i have a life and psychological and huge sex deficit. anyway then i got my current multi family.

i don't necessarily want to live alone and i like people- the right people but there has got to be much better noise insulation in a better saner neighborhood. i guess I didn't realize how I've mostly been in shared units. these things, the noises and vibes influence a man. there was no place like this north shore cabin

also from my fathers perspective, its likely he sees i do what i want. he has my brothers to look after who maybe keep him in a stupor- down syndrome and all so you see how empathetic and accommodating or just causal i am.

i had to do what i did though. i needed oxygen, sanity, insight to make up for lost lessons but it didn't help a ton because the puritanical midwest is fundamentally broken or sterile. all it gave me was emotional labor to do, shocks to absorb for other people and systems

maybe he thinks I'll find peace if i just join a fold and surrender and submit my mind but I've been more like Odysseus but he got to make love to that island nymph

anyway the need now is for expansion and emergence, consolidating all the lessons and memories. george harrison was sweet. as spiritual as he was he still sang unironically "it's gonna take money" lol

i also get the feeling after people do business with me that they have good things to say

I also want to thank you for the help you've given me and for your friendship.

We're leaving because we don't have a choice, friend but this is a good place to live, Thank you for letting me know, me and my brother think well and we know that you are very responsible, thank you for everything

which possibly means I've been picking up the slack of others.

i did the raw numbers and it looks like i make 9-10k passive rough cash flow assuming all pay and there are no major emergencies, as of last summer post close. that seems high and right away i was hit with a close to 20k bill and 10kish for lead abatement copay. slammed by deferred maintainance. its almost all one building, tenant and building issues, one i closed a few years ago and I'd sell even at a loss to reduce my managerial load but I've never made that much in a month. granted its only been 6 months or so and that's when i started getting tenants falling behind so I'm upping my game there.

if i really brought in that much, that would be insane. i estimated earlier 4 or 5 ideally, and I don't remember the numbers i was using. am i forgetting utilities? maybe a little but no, nor taxes. say 8 (on a good month). that's still higher than expected. i can't relax into it because i feel I'm missing something. maybe i gave myself a buffer of that but i didnt think it was more than 1 or 2k of an allowance for all things.

this was my first winter with all these properties but my second with the big risk factor one (with a big steam heater)

that doesn't include my salary but I don't feel rich. i feel loaded overall but even financially I don't feel the surplus, probably because of the 30k big capex that i just paid off, the fact I haven't really had such a gangbuster all things smooth month (which is what i had for years when I then own these low-income multi-families although it still only 10% of the units and one property mainly but when i get some surplus savings grasshopper, maybe to 70k (remember I need a huge amount to pay my mortgages every month and utilities and some of that is security deposit money and I need to handle vacancies and I want money to be able to move and vacation. I know that sounds like a lot but I had that at one point before I bought these last buildings. I really bought myself stress. no, what I did was extend myself stretch myself And it could prove good. The trouble property was the third to the last one I got so the latest two have been money makers. also I forgot I spent $6,000 on a new awning last summer too because the other one was going to collapse it looked like. The guy was young but really good really driven. I expected I could deduct all this on my taxes but they were passive activity loss limitations lol. that really disincentivizes is one to make things better. congratulations government I thought that's what you used tax as a tool for- to steer behavior, and as Jesse ventura said when comparing to how to do taxes in Mexico when you increase the property taxes for home-improvement, it's going to disincentivize people from improving their houses. real genius. anyway anyway anyway it's so dark and gloomy here now right now this month but that's this whole world. this whole world is a prison of the spirit everyday all the noise everything it's just spitting on you keeping you down bopping on your head

That's all it is was and ever will be here. I want to have lots of sex lots of love lots of fun lots of freedom and then get married and have lots of kids but depending on where I live the government is going to tell me I need all this stuff done to my kids vaccines and all that stuff and while I don't necessarily disagree I don't necessarily agree either because I haven't studied it and they're going to tell me I have to put them in schools and we can get good schools by going to the right neighborhoods or countries for that matter so that can be fine but just going to be a lot of regulation and if I get married a lot of different people like banks are going to say we need your wife's signature and all that shit which is unfortunate so in that sense all this stuff is just beginning but in another sense I can plan for it and money and having itself a lot of things taking away a lot of stress but it doesn't solve everything and I want money without strings. I don't need strings on my heart on my mind on my destiny on my degrees of freedom. I want to increase my degrees of freedom not reduce them so that's kind of that. this whole world has been a cage like an iron cage like Max Weber talked about perhaps but it's gotten a lot more intense more algorithmic smarter more devious but that's the thing though you gotta eat the cage. you eat the cage by seeing the cage, I think

 

[odyseus]

i like writing. that's why i write so much.

i want to live though too. I'm wearing a nice bathrobe. thats a new thing at night. laying in bed. no cigars lol. its cold outside. i guess we're in the holocene they say or the anthropocene. i want to live, meaning I don't just want to live in my head

riches. things in at least my neck of the woods are dense and tense and I'm in the middle of it or nearby and I don't mean right now these weeks with ICE or whatever - but in general, the last 10 years at least if not the last 100. puritans (and descended cultures) are so tense. i guess it optimizes for something, stability or whatever, productivity and survival but its tense

it turns out i misread saying 70 but i like my meaning better. i thought it said if you bring forth what is in you what you bring forth will save you. if you don't bring forth what's within you, what you don't bring forth will kill you.

i want to bring things forth. elton john brought things forth. i only bring him up because his circle of life came up on my youtube music (after we are the champions)

those were good times. things had not gone south. the 90s were altogether decent and I don't think that's nostalgia. i even liked the computers better. they're too slick now, too smooth. the UI and physical design too is too slick and integrated and assuming. i like it when they were definitely computers. i just saw the 2001 movie The One, which i never saw before, which is why i bring up this computer thing. the music was better, people were better etc. disney was good, heroic. society believed in families.

what happened? cell phones you will likely say and apps and social media.sure yeah probably. maybe that's even the bulk of it but why? people were vulnerable to collapse

be like a 7 day old. people get old. i want my share in this life but people get anxious and clingy for their share. it's a different thing to ask for community and love reciprocation.

we might need to rethink economic systems.

much of society and young male society is doubling down on stoicism and austerity grindset and people on religion and people in general on christianity, which is a powerful social technology but is not free, because nothing is free. there are always strings- strings over the spirit and soul. you don't get to be socereign even if rich by attaching strings.

people trusted trump but he turned out to be just another loony or captured guy, just like Jordan Peterson. they have reduced a lot of themselves to slogans and talking points

so that makes me wonder what else was gotten wrong, Davos, the World Economic Forum?

its open now- everything is to review and reevaluate and each generation ultimately passes, and passes on the world and their trauma and waves/signals and so called habits, for the most part

most men date and marry the women of their tribe but mine were largely corrupted. Stephanie wasn't but I didn't even try. that is sad but she was singular

i lost her when she left the company and i sent one frustrated text- not to her but about something real estate. its like allison Armstrong says- a lot of women can be so great but just not understand one simple thing. anyway that's just a theory. she was like a work wife but it was more it was deep but most of my own tribe has been unavailable.

what now, what next? how do i escape the frames and capture systems? it is impossible to think these thoughts too much just like its impossible to be too relaxed or go too slow over complex material

i just like to write. maybe that's the only reason but i like to free write, not edit

 

[odyseus]

the belly is finally here- for years the hardest part of my body, my psyche to connect with. i finally have been these days and then last night/this morning. its carrying a lot of load.


earlier in baths it was interesting because i felt the load strongly

this morning middle of night i felt it more weakly/subtly but really

had a dream last night/this morning, the contents of which don't matter- directions, a city like NY, meeting my sister, parks, coordination but it was the feelings in the gut (that had almost nothing to do with the dream - that was just kinda filler)

i went to bed with a headache. i think i ate something histamine inducing at the wrong time. maybe citrus

anyway its a quiet 654am fri morning. my 4br is surprisingly getting a lot of hits, who knew?!

anyway memories of past a little bit- but less hard memories and more abstract sentiments but IMPORTANTLY a vague but certain recognition internally that I've been carrying a lot of other people's load (parents, society, individuals) but also my own load that should have been carried or supported in part by others or society but also even just that a feeling or set of feelings exist and they represent load. that itself is huge and they represent consumed energy and bracing importantly too and these recognitions are not as thoughts but as felt senses in the gut. this is reclamation, recapturing, of the self

i just heard above me outside something race like a squirrel (not usual). i love my furry friends

i am adulting as opposed to parenting- a pleasure capable unencumbered adult. i could always scatter seed (flirt) but this is adulthood emergence- zero fucks given lets say, at the level of gut and aura- load on site instantly. The best load bearing is locally. that is my tenants solve their own issues and the property manager solves what they can't solve etc. a shock that's picked up by my senses is solved by my lower spine or an emotional thing by my belly, without going to my head or mood or state. That's what I mean by a local solutions and it's just like a truss or load-bearing structure, And also the solving should be instantaneous and the lingering should be zero after it is solved to go back to a relaxed baseline, again ready to do business with anyone at a healthy baseline.

A man with such a gut cannot possibly exhibit traumatized aura or behavior, I don't think. It seems like trauma is the closing of the gut the collapsing of the load-bearing structure which means they also don't get emotions - by which I mean the positive emotions, they get numb they get dissociated but what's happening to me is the opposite is the thawing, The coming back online at least that's what I want to happen And what is starting to happen. I'm not being positive or optimistic or stoic. That's not what this is. I'm just trying to observe and report although it is good news but good news can always turn to bad news

it's not just the belly but when the belly is on all the other parts of the body can relax too and expand- The upper back and aura can be produced - a natural not try hard aura

But I have work to do because these things are evasive. I had the sensation in my gut about three different things or three different similar sensations in a short span of time and I think I was thinking of my dad once but I don't know it's all so evasive and vague. What I realized sensationally was these are unsolved problems and they are unacceptable for a good life and that's a new realization. I was tolerating them I couldn't access them. this is how you also get the energy of a commander without trying to be a commander you just are.

I also feel my toes - the inside of them or the underside of them in a weird way It tingles and I've been getting a lot of tingling to on and off sometimes after I've had a lot of stress actually that's how the stress exits. I've been getting tingling in my hips sockets sometimes. who knew and isn't it interesting the body has this capacity? this is something psychologists should know about practicing with people and do they write about this in in those books like the body keeps the score with Bessel van der whatever? It seems important because it seems the tingling is the exit from a moment of stress or collapse, that it is the rebirth and no part of the body is too small not even the toes to count

But I'm still not there yet. my gut is carrying a lot of stuff. I remember Morgan in high school. I never particularly had a crush on her but she was cute but she was really smart and our friend gave I think thought that we would be together but I didn't even know that they thought that but we would have been a match but she's married now so that's a decades later realization of an opportunity but I'm thinking about people like this now other women to Molly from college who I know like me and I knew like me at the time but I just couldn't I don't know I was cringe in that moment but I guess I just didn't have what it takes but I think I didn't fit in with the scene also with people like Rachel I didn't fit in and so I was stifled or inhibited or jammed up is a better word but not always I got some love at parties or whatever sometimes not that much but some but in general for the serious stuff I don't know I think the load I was made to carry kind of collapsed me before I even got to the moment of engagement. when I say collapse sometimes it's in the moment where things can matter but often it's pre collapse and it's not lack of confidence or courage which have demonstrated in spades or resourcefulness and that's why I use the word collapse It really describes it the best without moral valence. now I'm 43 almost 44 - it's so gay But I have the spirit of a younger person. if ever there was justification for an age gap- not that the spirit of justification or justification itself is even needed but I was just saying if ever. I dated an older woman once but it's like the gospel of Thomas is right a man advanced and age will not hesitate to ask a 7-day-old the place of life. Spirit is spirit soul is soul. society has to make up its mind at either wants to connect at that level or it wants to deal with optics and I'm talking about legal ethical adult relationships only but Spirit and flesh are different things. The physical world will never stop trying to put loads on people for its own optimizations for its own objective functions.

the belly- a lot happens there. there is so often darkness and coldness in the world and storms- things at once, and there are procedures and non human interfaces and isolations and more- bettayals, disappointments, let downs etc, sense of duty or even just burden when no one else does a thing that absolutely should be done-- and all those things cross the belly. forget man's search for meaning, man's search for reward, for pleasure, for wholeness that is for better, integrated load-bearing architecture, that is reclamation and re-embodiment-- that is what I am talking about. The belly is like the axis of the body the equator And the prime meridian and the center of gravity And the thing that flexes which is its double-edged sword

 

[odyseus]

Just once i'd like someone to come through for me. Maybe that's an exaggeration but imagine being a woman- having everyone cater to you. This is not about gender and I know they have their shit. This is actually about real estate- me depending on tenants- and them saying yes ok and taking a long time, and systems and dependencies that feel like inversions. i have to drive over there myself to take some pictures because others said they would but aren't. It would take them 5 minutes. I've always responded promptly to their needs. They both complimented me as a landlord. Just once. It's not a big thing but it's cumulative. imagine being a woman- they go through their shit but imagine everyone supporting you. i say that not because i need that support but it indicates that people live in different universes, parallel realities. I am competent but I HATE THE FACT THAT I'M THE ONLY PERSON I CAN RELY ON. The key to many things is stacking your life with realiable good people- tenants as a landlord here and workers if you own a company and even moreso managers -- and also friends but truly good reliable people are rare. Simple things should be simple. An Ok should mean I'll do it. I shouldn't have to harrass people or follow up. That's what's prompting this not male-female dynamics but i brought that up because imagine that-- they get everyone doing everything. it's ridiculous. What the hell happened to our society that it collapsed so much?- and minnesota is probably worse. men definitely are weaker here, more deferential, more lower testosterone but what's the prime driver in all of this, i don't know. The world's reliability is at an all time low.

It wasn't just these tenants today that is filling me. it's several stacked, that I won't go into. I have to be patient and time it right but i'm giving a lot of people notice and those who don't meet basic standards are sayonara. I am not the people's trainer.

I hate inversion, and i hate unnecessary friction. some friction is inevitable but i hate unreliability and fake signals but i especially hate inversions. I hate depending on my tenants for anything but rent and even that. I do what i can to take responsibility (as if not taking responsibility is the original sin in the moderl world) but that's why i opened with just once i wish i could rely on someone- even if you want to call it grace or favor- instead of having to do it all myself responsibly. I think this place is worse and i am going to switch people out. At least 2 but maybe 4 and who knows. this is all new. this wasn't like this for the last 10 years when i had different property types.

 

[odyseus]

i realized something just now. its friday evening, the weekend, a cold weekend. i don't know how to spend my time to good effect/progress. the multifamily i live in leaks noise. i don't even have that.

what i realized and have to dwell on is what i realize has always but unnecessarily been the case in my life- being told/asked/required to wait- to wait patiently

i think the upper midwest is sick and my birth family especially and minnesota especially. nobody poured into me but the opposite- they stalled me, made me wait. where were the men in my family or community? instinctively i knew this was lacking but that's not the issue. the issue is socioeconomics and who had institutional power.

there are three bad states of things
1. competent man being forced to wait: most of my early life
2. being able to make impactful choices- but not equipped: where to go to college, what to study, with no preparation or guidance- a few key consequential moments
3. working diligently with "freedom" but being on the wrong path for my needs

this is all fucked up- so lets run a blame function. i blame the united states culture, the upper midwest and my parents. the solution then would be to change cultures.

this culture is oppressive in tone. a man wants to break away, gather his nerves and energy but the energy around him is kind of somehow repressive, attention fragmenting and reorienting towards compliance and conformity. its even in the little things and the lack of other things- the lack of good humor, the lack of passion or polarity

but i can break away slowly i suppose. when i got back from austin i realized last fall i have to hibernate here. there is almost nothing for me here and i will be alone in my unit. i did not realize it would be noisy. i guess besides the sirens I didn't really notice the stomping but i knew it would be empty compared to the nice social climate of the hostel. i had to hunker down for winter

so far progress wise its been ok. i paid off my cc for the repairs that fell on me from deferred maintenance. now i just have to rebuild my savings towards surplus and switch out bad tenants and fill my units with good ones. this is everything. THIS IS EVERYTHING!

Progress wise its been ok in real estate and inner life but its been a bit painful. I've had to push through friction and resistance and noise

update: and this explains a lot- i just got off the phone with a tenant i needed info from for a tax program compliance thing-- and we talked for half an hour. he's a young good guy and that call put some wind in my sails. i don't need much. reasonable human contact goes a long way, like the hangout linger at west coast swing-- it might be that i need things that are grounding and minnesota, noise, not wokeness- I don't care about politics but fragile avoidant attachment etc- that stuff might be ungrounding.

its interesting.

i was never asking that much but they the world gave less

its a sick culture the united states and not because of politics but because of anxiety, judgment, avoidant attachment, pietism bad manners or whatever. things feel gamified and it feels low key like they're setting me up to be used (slaughtered) anx my system senses it- and I don't think its just me, personally but its people generally and thats unacceptable to me spiritually so that's my take. this world- it takes so little but people are locked out of themselves, rigid, pietist etc- whatever it is

 

[odyseus]

the choices we make- its so subtle i think how destinies switch, from rich abundance to poverty or stress or strain. there is a lot of subtlety involved and "choice" arrives as a state and that state was inevitable given the fact pattern but was that which changed the (apparant) destiny or the path. as i write this my state changes, seemingly for the worst- my hips get tense but i think its for the better

see- it is sat 1147am, sunny through the window. i woke up at 11am because i was talking to tatiana last night for 4 hours- first 3 hours just over voice and the last hour video. she's 30, an old crush i did stuff with. she was always beautiful. the timing and location was never right but now i see her as truly smart and coming into her own. she's feminine and human too now- i see her drives. this whole conversation was good because i powered through tiredness at the beginning and attention drift too. its two hours later at my place. also i shut up when she had a question. she's looking into real estate. at the end she was talking about her hair. she has beautiful long hair

we are both authentic, uncaptured in spirit but in body or finance very much finite

anyway the mood this morning is one of abundance but that vanishes. its not about her, at least consciously but about being filled in the mood but that vanishes easily- and comes back. the idea is to make it permanent.

I'm still in vigilance with real estate since we have cold days coming and a boiler that's gone out although its weak points have been repaired. there's always vigilance now but its something i know i can handle but its not total freedom. i have my steps as it were.

you can't push string, or force thaw. with real estate the stabilization has to be nurtured along, with good choices

i scrolled yt and came to a video, financial channel. you don't even have to watch whole thing anymore you can get AI to summarize. it says it thinks stock market will be flat this decade, because of factors, including boomers retiring selling off securities. maybe real estate, the inflation long game will be good. who knows? i know anyone can always make a rule- rent control etc and take a lot of the value out of a thing. rent control doesn't really hurt me in my market but I'm just saying, there are unknown unknowns and housing is an impassioned issue. my point is you never know your escape vector and sometimes you need multiple but skill, experience and positioning is always good and can save many a systems or strategies

it is sovereignty i want. that's just a word but its a chosen word. what i mean by it is a thing which requires money or financial freedom without significant strings attached. the strings can sabotague or taint the sovereignty. i don't want taint. i don't want tainted freedom, tainted adulthood

i like to win. winning is fun. we are the champions but I'd rather lose with dignity than win in a tainted way. that is not a morality statement as much as a soul sovereignty one. i don't blame myself for losing when i lose. losing is a part of life. there are usually many hidden factors. i try to see them

back to the initial thought: abundance- the feeling of sexual adult male abundance- that i don't think is hard if you snowballed right - right place, right behavior but a few critical mistakes or unfortunate situations can send you off for years. its like bureaucratic procedure. it is really strict and messy if you are not aligned and legible but if you just give them the machine what they need and expect its like "next" and my mind tries to understand everything deeply and procedure can be as well- a specific procedure's logic or backstory as well as procedure generally and as an owner or whatever i can enforce my own procedure too and it can keep me shielded, legally etc even without insurance policies etc. procedure itself is both a defense and a filter. filters are so important and it is best to filter early. early personality or fit filters save one later confrontation or disappointment or eviction so i can be procedure owner. that is procedure but it is equally valid to often just say- no need to understand it; just accord to it. just do the necessary annual forms etc

anyway that

my mind was jarred - and my gut about 4 minutes ago by a slamming door. its quite tragic how something as meaningless as that can get so deep in an otherwise sovergeign man's nervous system. the ancients had temples but i think conquering armies often desecrated the temples, as psychological warfare or whatever. the my neighbor is decent but hes an ogre when it comes to noises like that. i need my own space again. steps. i need to have patience and then take steps. at college i was amazed at how sheer noise can be a power play- drunk yelling. i don't think this happens in Europe as much. they also value things differently, get free or mostly free education etc. we have it harder, people here and are trained in brute force. it is unfortunate. watching tiktoks i actually think this place is kinda dangerous. law enforcement and the judiciary feel empowered it seems like so be smooth, be boring and probably escape. be passersby

yesterday night i was at the coffee shop in the evening passing time. i started my thick napoleon book, made it through the introduction and most of the way through the corsica chapter. i had no idea about a lot of this. i always knew very little about bonaparte and the impact he left, let alone the level of myth around his life but it makes sense. he became his own ecosystem or economy that many tried to orbit or extract value from

my neighbor chops so loud, almost authoritatively lol. i did a post where i lived before in my life. i like shared space because of community actually. i don't always like noise but the hostel in austin was great for fellowship. you take the good with the bad but this is the worst of both i guess cause you get the noise without the actual connection or visibility. its not that bad, I'm just saying - so in the future the ideal would be silence with community if that is possible but i definitely love silence

yesterday i also learned some things about jesse ventura on the rogan podcast. shows you don't know a person and what they have to go through, being tarnished etc. the cure to envy- not that i envied him ever but the cure to envy is knowledge and familiarity. is anyone sovereign? this is relevant because it shows my general headspace. it reminds me of my college days 2000s where people, bros were still thinking about stuff, not narrowcasting their minds into grindset or hustling or surviving, or tribalism, which is how it seems it has become

the key as usual is in the body. be integrated, be embodied. the system, if only by what it permits and doesn't restrict tries to split you by splitting the body, jarring you with noises. retreats are essential, baths are essential, capital is essential. blessed is the human who eats the lion. the several sirens and horns ive heard writing this post have not affected me as much. i guess my nerval "tone" might be improving or maybe its not as much "load" or maybe i have more low level hope or optimism. i don't know. i definitely think the external material world is kind of an evil prison or cage, as much as ever. one just has to outgrow it, dimensionally and sit above it but it is stupid and brutish and evil still, noisy and annoying but the key is embodiment and capital. maybe embodiment implies spiritual embodiment implying spiritual takeover or recapture of the body. in any case its about not being fragmented but lucid and singular and whole. the world anc the groups in it and people and systems will always be doing their trainings and drills and operations and agendaa. there is no actual draft, just so much noise and procedure. understanding systems- and a culture is a system, is paramount. then you can anticipate and not be shocked because being shocked is the unpleassant thing. people and orgs are always going to be going about their business. the more one can understand and anticipate, the better it might go while one builds surplus and optionality and sovereignty

napoleon went to an elite school. he got elite training but that's only part of it- and it was thanks to his father- but that was part of it. there are elite educational institutions in the united states but i kind of want to compare elite with elite throughout time and space because they might not all be the same, in how they are designed to shape. some may just produce expensive tools or men with missions. anyway the goal is expansion, growth, spiritual growth, economic growth even. that is the mission of every day and of life- growth and consolidation/preservation

i feel like for my nature and purpose my whole life has been upstream because of a disabling or resisting culture where it might not have been that elsewhere but my spirit perseveres. i forgot why i said this but anyway definitions of growth vary.

EDIT: I think what the system wants to do and how it gets people is it says okay you can have your definition of success but it flattens your definition because my definition is broad and I don't want to collapse my degrees of freedom. I don't want to plateau myself artificially but it wants specific concrete things but I want unbounded growth with unbounded potential. That's very important. It also mechanistically tries to collapse degrees of freedom. then it feels like the person failed on their own when really they were hobbled. I want maximum degrees of freedom so that I can as they say cook. you got to let them cook otherwise all bets are off. guard your degrees of freedom. you'll feel it in the hips

 

[odyseus]

the system only loves to capture. i repeat myself like I'm paranoid but it remains true. until i escape physically which follows escaping financially, this small minded place is my milieu

i spent my youth in no contact with strong willed men. zero. i always had that latency- that wasn't the issue. the issue was i presumed too much from idiots thanks to universality. i did not get good guidance.

i lit a candle on this cold dark saturday and read some "international economics" for a bit. there will be stuff that textbook teaches me but I'm at the dogma and ideology and gross oversimplification part near the beginning, the part that makes men stupider. it got me thinking again about college and that mistake.gpt says they don't teach finance because it is too blunt and honest about the way the world works, how the institution was not built to give the student aka the payer leverage but shape his identity and values. fuck that i want to be an operative not a man of "character" as defined by that bs but why did i go there?

i valued and value restraint and humility. thats not an issue. the issue is they take those things way beyond to the next level. I didn't know that. i had not ever really seen up close and personal strong and capable men and i still don't see them in minnesota. i see proceduralists.

the twofold path is exiting and escaping yes but vertically- flying the coup vs bolting but also learning how to win here while i am here, max extracting. there are just not men here. its not even that manhood is punished. its illegible. legibility is a struggle in many ways- the struggle but i suppose i will keep revisiting my college mistake until it is finished. ironically majoring in economics is one one of the worst economic decisions someone can make

 

[odyseus]

A lesson now in cost externalization and how institutions work-- how they really work and finance their operations. in large measure they externalize cost.

if i could upload a screenshot directly you'd see a helicopter flight path that goes in circles. maybe i can upload it

https://imgur.com/a/6ufbni6

that is noise. pro ICE anti ICE, I don't even care, I'm a passer by but leave me alone. its 1241am but it was bad and invasive and disruptive at 10pm.

this is cost externalization. you might as well call that shitting on people. it makes sense to externalize cost onto others but it is also a shitty, classless and very American thing to do.

i realize my whole life I've been in paths of externalized costs. its one reason this world is prison like, and not just that but torture room like. they don't seem to care that people become dissociated and disembodied. i am staying grounded and anchored and centered. i don't like to always retreat to ear protection but i have double layer, inner and outer strong protection. i see the game now- cost externalization. my belly is coming back online as i write this and with muffs on. thats power movement because most people dissociate and maybe also absorb self blame and guilt.

this like winter will pass but then at some point recurr, cyclically or periodically. the need therefore is to be able to get out of load paths, noise streams, cost flows. that's where surplus and smarts come in

i by default chose this shit city. its where i chose to do real estate and life. primarily i think i underweighted the geographic factor. i always had ambition but i underweighted grossly certain factors

blessed is the human that eats the lion

if they play a game- and this is probably not conscious but still- it means i can learn their game and play it myself, maybe not against the same parties but i can still play it

maybe they wouldn't do this over a suburb. capacity reduces when noise increases- across the board. when its not insanely cold I'm going up north to the quiet cabin i rent. its so quiet there- i can think

how many systems are externalizing cost? i really think it is a cultural thing- this culture gives more permission than others. also i was today old when i realized the system expects you to discriminate based on money/income when making a tenant decision. they're like no no no no yes absolutely. its so crass and profane. money is seen as god. i intuited america was sick and perverse decades ago, in ways that other cultures are not

the economic textbooks don't talk much about externalized costs. this is important for sovereignty

i was reading about napoleon earlier today too- working through a thick bio. he abused sick leave a lot. anyway I'm getting to know the guy a little

drive desire will- but especially when challenged. when not, leisure, pleasure, easygoingness, friendliness but not to be confused with its midwest look alike passivity and "chill". still reading, still thinking. the world is a vampire lol

 

[odyseus]

I'm in a dependency hell or dependency purgatory at least

i think i am high agency surrounded by slow systems and processes. that's a dynamic i wanted to explore in itself.

What’s changed isn’t your competence or effort. It’s the ratio of your agency to other people’s execution. Too much of your outcome is currently gated by:
tenants responding,
tenants following through,
platforms approving,
compliance offices deciding,
contractors showing up,
applicants completing steps.
That creates a very specific kind of psychological strain: high responsibility + low control. Humans don’t tolerate that well, especially competent ones.

i think this may have been the case for life but it next levelled itself this last year with my acquisitions. often i only require minimal response.

i noticed in personal life years ago I didn't get quick responses and rarely got feedback. i know that is a modern thing and a distance thing with tech and phones but i also see it is a midwestern thing. I'm laying in bed sunday morning about to go to a language event but I'm in my chest. my righteous chest is absorbing the buffer and slack. i am better than alot of people and i know it. its not pride- its just felt reality. i only have to strategize, implement and be patient and perform well. this is why most people are losers and get mid results- they can't communicate even, or anything

one thing i noticed about minnesotans- and my dad especially- you can insult them on different things or be condescending about their manhood or honor or whatever and they don't care. its not non reactive egolessness. they just don't care. they don't have certain senses- at all. it makes them slimy/limp

maybe it's like this. imagine a man or woman who is great in every way while around it good person complete and then completely take out all the eros from them. imagine that person who is erotically blind. maybe that doesn't describe everything but it definitely describes a lot. imagine someone who is perfect in every way but becomes really procedural. That's another descriptor on probably a different axis so combine those two axes and you discover a lot about minnesotans. notice how I'm not talking about politics. I don't even care I'll agree with them if they want to on their politics I care about their spirit or their lack thereof

unrelated but I train myself to think slow now I'm going to train myself to act fast

I'm interested in education systems. I'm really interested in that and how they compare especially across cultures and classes and geographies. especially elite versus elite elite French elite German back in the day versus elite Yankee and whatever but I'm also interested in internal dynamics. What if someone is high agencies surrounded by a low agency system? that was me probably but I didn't even know that cuz they did a good job hiding that from me gaslighting me giving me lip service. I'm not saying I'm a victim Or maybe I am cuz I am a victim but I'm not saying I have a victim mentality. That's a different thing than actually having been a victim but and I'm not saying I'm the only one they're millions like me I'm just trying to apprehend reality and I'm not saying I'm like Napoleon but I'm reading his biography and he was fucking ahead of his classmates intellectually but he was also kind of different or alienated and I'm not judging the other people too. They probably fit in and lives their best lives. I'm only interested in understanding educational sociological dynamics and this is an area of interest for me. I have a lot of them just like Napoleon had I'm not comparing myself to him to be like him on an identity level I am myself. like prefontaine said in the movie I want to be the first Steve prefontaine I want to be the first me but it's interesting to compare different people even if I accomplish nothing it's not about that it's about being and not cringing and I guess specifically here it's about being higher agency in a low agency world and having to create and to creating micro environments as I'm trying to. once I get all great tenants who have low interest in moving as well things will be pretty stable and once in a while I'll have to change them out but that's my aim and I'm learning how to act fast even when I think slowly

 

[odyseus]

Love when things become clear and embodied. you can't NOT trust such a state. Speaking unironically I hate and it is annoying when systems want to make a person feel guilty or inferior for complaining about something real. "Don't be a victim" when pointing out something true, meanwhile there is a whole victim narrative set of industries.

I am doing well more or less- just in a shitty culture for love and legibility but I am arising but as I am arising I see - like now women across from me- two lesbians apparently, not the most attractive but not completely unattractive. that's not the point. The thing is they are talking about their education. They are poised to make money. They are studying heavy stuff, organic chem and stats and all that. i get the feeling they are getting support and validation. I didn't get shit- for guidance or anything, and i think men generally don't. this is not a gender war thing but a sociological thing and this place does not give benefit of the doubt to certain people. Already some people are like 'be more stoic' or just bear it but that's missing the point. I have born load on my own. on the walk here i realized I have relied mostly only on myself for 40+ years and other people had a different experience. i had a nice japanese group this morning mostly women old friends. it was good. That filled some tanks but facts are facts. One advances in life by seeing, not unseeing or denying reality. These people and systems are reality denying, and i know it is because they want certain outcomes. I know people are in general quicker to look away (with suspicion-- even though you gave them no cause. it varies by geography alone, greatly). There is nothing less personal than geography. There is a geographical basis for bitchiness and shit like that. I am not complaining about anyone in particular right now. I hardly do that even. Understand me. I am complaining about the drag and resistance. At some point resistance does not become training at altitude but just loss and waste of time- wastage, spoilage - of years and such. fuck it's stupid. it is what it is. I am learning and growing and I still like being around people, studying (things, languages, math, mechanics) around people-- provided there are no loud annoying noises or people crowding my vibe. today is as good as any day for the general stuff but in that general vibe i let my thoughts expand and this is how they expand. People don't want to study or acknowledge power. They try to push back and make a person feel guilty or whatever.

My shoulders don't hunch over nearly that much. my eyes stay bright. people still doubt me and that's fine. i'm still growing even more. i can express more with less-- facial expressions or microexpressions, without body motion, and do so instinctively and more instantly. let people give. my point in that is that i have nothing to get from people who don't give or exchange-- and that is common here. i see how certain systems are just built for extraction and that there is often in life no correlation between merit and outcome or reward/comp. i have to learn that principle more. People want to believe it is about merit and deserving and paying one's dues. The more i break that link, the better i can act in the world and navigate. Anyway i can see how certain systems are just designed to extract. i know how they aim to induce guilt and under-support and preach duty and also do mild intimidating things and also enforce procedure and bureaucracy. One can navigate that- procedure. One can win but to win one has to learn the principles and rules-- on one's own when one has no help, and they are myriad but then reduce down in many ways. Think slow act fast. be a little mad. let your hair grow long and down (if you like). don't be a 1950s man in a non 1950s society. Be oneself though- true and all that.

Support makes a difference though- especially at critical ages and resentment is fair. To deny one that right is to reduce another degree of freedom unnecessarily or without pay. Don't do anything lossy without pay if one doesn't have to. Don't leave chips on the table duh

my car lost degrees of freedom. i know not to drive in 4H on solid pavement but i forgot it was in that state when i was pulling out of parking so it stuttered but then when i switched it to 2, it stayed stuttering. that made me a bit nervous. chatgpt told me nothing to worry about, the cold probably just made it stick in that state, and how i could unwind it, so i did but it made me realize that degrees of freedom are essential. it reminded me of that. we take so much for granted- that our vehicles can even turn safely. So much is abstracted away. Less is abstracted away with Jeeps and 4wd cars vs AWD. This is good. This is learning opportunity. This is adulting opportunity. The key to freedom is having degrees of freedom and guarding them. often life's trade-offs are trade offs of degrees of freedom: more money but less time- both being powerful almost universal resources. More money but more commitment or allegiance.

I've done most of my life on my own, relying on no one. that's not stoicism. Maybe it is but it wasn't driven by that or even a self-reliance philosophy. who wrote that essay- self reliance, emerson? It wasn't based on a philosophy or preference- at least not wholly. i did want to be self reliant because i always valued competence and self reliance and all that but it was largely based on not getting support- at least not from respected by me people, not without strings attached, if I ever got support. It was poor, in my neck. it was pathetic. no even comments about women being hot by my dad, or asking about me and dating, or other adult figures. no show of affection between my father and mother. no talk of career from either to me. no talking of their own finances or career struggles. they didn't really have any career struggles in front of me. they had an inherited farm they sold for mutual funds when they were young- probably about my age now lol - if not younger. yes, almost nothing so i chose self reliance. That's been my life but it's not everything but it was in a way forced on me- and now i have to carry other people's drag- other people's sloppy communication, so i have to pick good tenants. that's on me i get- for picking, from the tenant pool, or waiting. that's on me, same with vendors. same with a lot of things. Even good friends, guy friends- a few guys from here I respect a lot who are solid, they are also stiff in a way, austere and getting older. they don't have life- or expressed libido. They need to be more like zeus or achilles, or something.

How did this place become concentrated as it was? They are almost like normal healthy functional well rounded people, minus all eros (pride, honor categories etc), and plus tons of procedure focus. Well how did they go for this, category deletion? Well i guess maybe it is a series of punishments and rewards, supports and withdraws all their life but i was raised by the same and I have it. what else? Maybe this place also pushes out those who have that and draws in those who don't, who are weak, afraid and otherwise conforming- as a kind of magnet. Somehow i stuck around, being myself- blind kind of to how it is and neurodivergent and with my own backstory and stuff to prove and invested in real estate, snowballing and not knowing better, stupidly. that might be my story. Partly this place became this way through transformation and molding of people but it is hard for me to grant that as a possibility. Maybe i am just particularly stubborn or whatever. the magnet repelling and attracting makes more sense but maybe people really are transformed. I can do my own micro-punishment/reward to reverse this with people I meet. so many people call me saying "how are you" and i just reverse it without answering. they are slow to learn but anyway my own training can only go so far against that of mass culture, but i can still do it.

Dependency hell or purgatory is my life right now. I always relied on myself. Now i have to rely on others but in a different way- because of legal or other procedural obligations, because of financial or other relationships. Life it seems is insisting i learn this type of stuff: picking good tenants and why, and reliance and not taking things for granted, and knowing who and what i can depend on and so forth. So many people have probably hardly thought about this at all but probably most generals in history have. I wonder about the modern general- are they just functionaries with little autonomy or latitude in judgement? I don't know-but ancient generals or former generals- i know they had a lot of freedom of motion and had to rely on others and make judgement under great uncertainty. Sometimes it is hard to get one's will or instructions transmitted, transferred, understood, acted upon and confirmed-- even when it doesn't seem like it should be hard and even when it seems to not contradict the other person's interest or nature and seems like they would be low cost (someone shooting a text right back) but things are as they are. When i have someone's ear-- i have to realize that might not always be the case. One friend- mentioned above, snaps me every morning even when i don't, and he checks my snaps and snaps back throughout the day- even though he's a busy and active guy in things, so i know he is always reachable. i'm trying to get him to go to rome with me though and he expressed interest. in fact italy was my idea. rome was his but he has to get his passport and i'm trying to prod him along with that so we can get tickets but other guys and people- i might rarely get their ear, even tenants so when i have it i have to communicate all that is necessary and confirm internalization. people don't always internalize instructions. this helps me understand women as partners better- even though I have hardly had any in my life. I mean they often tell their husbands things but where their husbands don't seem to have listened. That is a thing. that is a common thing. that was my father to my mother. It's not that they have to agree but if they disagree they should convey that fact. Fuck this is not rocket science. Am I not wise? Well eventually I will have 24 great tenants, and my own separate place. Right now I have 23 tenant groups and my own place and 2-3 are kind of bad in different ways, 2 or 3 more are so so- frustrating sometimes but alright enough and the rest are pretty solid but i will make every one solid or keep working towards that aim and be a better communicator- by which I mean a better confirmer that they hear my needs and are the type of people who would be serious about them. This is my strategy for dealing with dependency issues. I am not amazing. I am not alexander the great or napoleon. i am not trying to be but it feels like I am one of the only sane reliable people these days because people can't be open, honest or transparent.

Someone posted on nextdoor about this company and i posted a reply. They said are they overcharging. i said they always quoted the highest, and they denied helping me on an emergency because it wasn't in their category- perhaps licensing whatever but it was a simple pipe replacement. in any case i recommended other plumbers and i gave specifics so i get to use the power of speech on a platform. platforms are how the world works today so there are rules there. I have to learn how to be a good platform citizen because basically we have no choice and i think the platformization combined with the liability minimization of society and of capital has changed the mass psychology and behavior. people have more deeply internalized 'community standards' of risk minimizing platforms as norms in every day life i fear so anyway there is that. these are just principles and points and fronts of the work to become a more sovereign and free individual. If i can't in addition feel superior in some ways - when it seems i am, that is a limb they are asking me to cut off. The ancients didn't think this way. they didn't 'cut' themselves, physically or psychologically. they want to bind the mind and psyche. the spirit is on top but the psyche is next, and they keep trying to bind it. systems keep trying to bind and train it. i will allow it to be trained in any way that makes me more fit and free but if they want to do something to it against my interest i will have to either say no or charge them and if they force things on me then i have no choice but i can observe their ways and witness with seeing eyes. that's where the spirit comes in and slides through the cracks. am i not wise? open open open. the world wants one collapsed. feign collapse maybe. feign sleep but be wide awake and aware. snakes and cats both stay still until they strike. The world is a vampire.

 

[odyseus]

people are in a constant and chronic state of agitation. they barely have space between their thoughts ever

the world system built a strong system

the world uses agitation as a means- constant stirring, shaking and shocking. people can never settle. rule is by gravity and precarity and fragmentation. keep their attention fragmented, keep them from surplus and create gravitational fields in the social and econonic geography. there you go, you get your behavior. plant ideas of surveillance and guilt and original sin and you can have your governance.

the individual can decide to get embodiment, to seek a place of silence, to seek understanding and become increasingly free. along the way he will learn many things, and be required to act, decide and command

who can command well in the world? I'm not talking about formal authority or replicating procedural command

napoleon could i suppose - and he was also - haha I'm not sure the word. he was an AWOL artillery officer and lieutenant. i haven't gotten far in my biography but what I've read so far causes me to understand many things such that i need to overturn much conventional wisdom

people in general are obsessed with being good, and they also do a lot of waiting, and little reading. in an age of complexity and information, knowledge is essential for certain purposes so reading is thinking and those who aren't reading aren't thinking, and Napoleon read a lot- starting from his early youth

who has eyes to see? the eyes are one of the first things to get corrupted, to get locked into a position. jesus said if your eye is single and also if your eyes are full of light- some things.

whatever you want to say about him, he was so different from the hebrew prophets before him and while the hebrew bible says or implies that prophets are filled with the voice of god, they had prophetic schools- that is institutions. in every society there has been religion it seems like, and there has been the need to keep busy with things. enter prophetic schools. mention of this is made in the histories somewhere- saul or someone encountered them in that era i think, and elsewhere. it changes the narrative. everything- control is largely effected and collapse of the full set of degrees of freedom of a self is largely achieved by means of narrative spellcrafting and that largely by omitting and simplifying. the key to a wise man's method is relaxing, having no urgency to prove, but being able to investigate

history fascinates me but how much does a person truly know or understand?

the corsicans were such fighters lol. even today i hear its the same. how does one open and close as required? know that all strong systems are trying to optimize. for what is the real question and are you taking notes? the business- they say it can't be an "alter ego" but that's exactly what it should be, on a deeper level but as means to an end though, nothing else. its legal to discriminate somewhat ruthlessly on income if not the source of it- and its exoected. money is god. what would old henry george say about the current system and state of things? sensemaking is the most important task today. the great game is freedom getting. constraints all over the places but there's some way to play it.

 

[odyseus]

mn sucks. in many old video games there's an ice level where things are slippery and the main character has less traction.

here there are communication delays, even as relates to business. is there a single thing that's not asymmetric? individual competence and slack picking up can only take one so far.determination can only take one so far. personality, cultural values and risk perceptions have a cost function- financially and otherwise. People do not reply here as a rule if they don't want to. they don't pick up the phone. they don't reply with text. not just tenants. successful former partners and responsible christian family men. its not that they are too busy or I'm wasting their time. its a cultural thing.

everyone has a tragic flaw.i found one of mine- not seeing how toxic the environment has been my entire life. eyes to see and a tongue to explain is the biggest revenge and threat i can give this taunting game playing reality. It wants to be invisible. it does not get offended by commentary on its masculinity and honor. that's like punching a grl in the crotch or a eunuch. a man needs a platform to speak.it knows i think when it is seen. it is an evasive ghost. there is an effect of this on business and an effect on the psyche. the most important thing i can do here is chart my escape or my exit. literally keep everything the same, all the regulations that people say are excessive, etc but make people better communicators and its fine. its the stuff off the books that shouldn't cost anybody money that irritate me. who is the joke on? i lived around fools my whole life but does that make me a fool?

I'm working to sell my biggest load- even at a loss. good riddance. I'll keep the rest. the tenants who apply are terrible communicators. people in my network who were always available before are slow. this reminds me of dating in the day. NOONE WHO IS EXISTENTIALLY AVAILABLE IS EMOTIONALLY OR OTHERWISE AVAILABLE.

This makes me really wonder:
- was i always attractive, just wrongly situated?
- has this soured my soul? or made me neurotic when someone good was a available? i do think so. i have to absorb the pain because if i retransmit it to soneone quality i lose. on top of that i have to be present to the quality person as if i am not holding a load

what a joke

the fix would be soooo easy- and free. people like in some cultures just need to learn to communicate and smile more.

this pathology is more invisible- at least it was to me.

the solution is blocking and leaving i guess.

i blocked my dad. i might forfeit a million dollar inheritance. good. small price to pay even though I've already paid a huge price being his son

i can't block and leave mn until i get my properties sorted- one in particular which i will sell at a loss

the world or life seems to demand patience

napoleon had to deal with his fathers debts, the mulberry tree issues- and early in his life, but also very early he got a real education, not a fake one, and responsibility

dependencies are not bad. they are natural
shitty dependencies with shit characters are bad. this culture impronts its shit traits across a broad cross section- rich and poor black and white. i don't care for people's shit. i must find a way to transcend this. i feel like agamemnon. he had rage too, not just Achilles. it is the personality of the people that i draw my chosen dependencies from- tenants, partners etc that put me in dependency hell or purgatory. i don't even need solutions or anything. i need comminication. I'm not needy, I'm normal

my flaw is I didn't understand a man has a relationship to an ecology, a place and that alone determines much probably of his experience. napoleon loved his Corsica. i hate this place.. the land is fine. the people sucks- but it takes time to learn that fact. i don't want to run, i want to expand and transcend and put to shame if i can, to hold the keys because i hate to lose. the reality is that it is like i described but what's the strategy?

I think what happens is people just go in cycles because they probbaly don't know otherwise. people don't confront each other so you constantly see these work and get stressed cycles, then vent cycles (drive fast, be passive aggressive, dump load etc), these regulatory cycles like with police sirens going off, these pleasure cycles like with drunken bar noise, and it just keeps going in circles. maybe that's how life is here. There's not much progression or spirituality I find. There's actually a lot of fucking churches Believe it or not a lot here and religion is strong

That's the reality so the main question is what's the strategy. what's the strategy that gives me ultimate sovereignty like by giving me dignity and release and prosperity? I'm always trying to do deals whether it's filling a unit with a good tenant or whatever. I'm not buying any more property not for a while unless it's one to personally live in that's quiet somewhere else but I always have to do stuff communicate and if nothing else changed if things even got technically harder- more forms, more rules whatever but people could communicate I would take that trade. That's actually insane to think about. so what is the best strategy for me given these truths, in this insulting society?

 

[odyseus]

capacity is useful. capacity is essential. i relate mental and emotional capacity to the state of energy in the body. load and shock and stress can wear down on the nervous system. one needs a way to be reborn. i find bathing does this. it really is amazing

the world wants to extract- with minimal compensation. the world as a set of systems, it loves getting. eyes to see are among the best defenses. eye health matters. i have shitty eyes. i am myopic. i wish i had naturally good vision. i believe something must have gotten corrupted in youth by elders running systems. its all the usual causes. i think i have what needs a name- karmic injury perhaps. its not emotional or even psychological damage. it is not a legacy of things that create a bad future or close a future necessarily. it is maybe the corrupting of reflexes but it is winding the springs wrong. a lot of things i think happen in a state of entrappment, where a person is a captive audience and can be subjected to forces or inputs. laying in the bath now, having worked for my money and paid adult dues, i want to let these inner drivetrain torsions and elastic and god forbid plastic deformations work themselves out- coming out of me.

i am dancing with noises now- footsteps and engines so my thoughts jump around more as they must

i think people and systems have implicit definitions of what it means to be something, like an adult. i am not amused when the definitions are underserving. i want a world and a life that is good, rich, meaningful. i am like jason on his quest

agamemnon has my respect. it couldn't have been easy to organize that host and keep people together fighting. there has always been tension and struggle, just like people have always been tied to places and people and institutions. i just don't want my belly to absorb the dumped load anymore. it can go to someone else.

i am interested in understanding the role of culture in life but it must be understood that a person can be imprisoned in a culture, by forces that have nothing to do with that culture. him especially is dependent on it being good and fair to him, rewarding his efforts, giving him resources and space and scaffolding. i have not zoomed out enough on the subject of culture as its own object that affects individuals and entities. in other words i have not gone meta. meta is how one should start.

i am jon snow. i feel this a bit- as a man of the nights watch. that's largely my role here and i want to transcend it and if I can't - get more reward for my effort. i am working on my reward function.

i seek the liminal state now because the liminal can free me from certain gravities and categories. i am fascinated by forms of american gravity- like tom bombadil with the ring- i see gravities, pulls- certainties, performances, architectures. who can see that and stay completely in their spine without any cognitive overload? many things have gravities.

 

[odyseus]

being my father and mothers son, midwest/mn raised i have had to prevent seepage while growing under pressure

now i exit. i make my Abitur. it is a process. it could take 3 months or 9. doing it right is more important than speed but meanwhile i am noticing all the ambient pressure, and vectored forces, that crack and collapse and fatigue and produce seepage, ingress. other people don't have to hold this off because they conform in value, in risk aversion, or maybe they even benefit from this system

i can prevent seepage, in the long run because i can go the distance but it has been costly

i am worthy. i am old but young

this is spiritual wrestling- dogpiling of forces actually, so i have been training under great resistance - my whole life

separately- I didn't have a plan or purpose when i was younger and had the time and freedom- ie college days.

i knew I didn't have something like that. i knew i needed something and i was hunting. i knew i wanted a gf and all and sex and i knew there were direct methods to evoke/seduce but that didn't align with the locals social conditioning so that was confusing. i also knew i needed a career plan because then you can talk abouy it with people, as an object, a measured thing. others can help you. you can take pride in that. i was not lazy- i was lost. that thing or one of the good alternatives would have simply been getting an engineering degree. nothing more comple than that. now i kinda have my plan but I'm older, times are different but I'm on it. stabalize and package up my re for mgmt, get surplus, move, still drive my career, maybe buy a biz or move out of country. i still want love and a fam. it won't happen here. location is the main problem because even the greatest seducer i think- or maybe not the greatest but most work with the raw material of the women around them. they perhaps select as much as lead and awaken. how much wheat can you grow in a salted field? where do you read about the greatest lovers and seducers? switzerland, scandanavia and minnesota? if a woman is primed, most of the work is done but maybe that was always essential, and in some places there are more opportunities or fewer. people congregate. bilzerian might do alright here by local standards but maybe not by my standards let alone if he were in my shoes. he might be better by far even but factors like this matter. willful blindness doesn't help matters. it just messes up the blame function and becomes more self blame than necessary i think. an English coach found me somehow and wanted to give me lessons in austin years ago. i wasn't relying on dating coaches then but career, hobbies, lifestyle but looking back, id say how bout here instead? he'd say its not as good, it's harder. I'd say exactly, thats the point. this is where i live, at least right now. its not fair to my nervous system to trick it and confuse it with results attributable to place not person

anyway it is good to have a thing, especially when young but its never too late to be reborn. napoleon started young though- and wasn't a grinder at least as far as i have read. he read a TONNE from an early age and did a lot of disciplines and wrote a lot, but he was truant a lot, on medical leave basically, in his early career, treating his job as casual seemingly. at least as a youngster under 25. he cared about corsican politics but he very much had a double loyalty- the opposite of what we are told. few people give self help advice like "read a lot of history" or its ok to slack on the job that pays you as long as you know a higher purpose.

 

[OldGuy]

Napoleon was young, but Blucher, the Prussian general who helped beat him at Waterloo, was 70!

 

[odyseus]

I'm just outlining or descriping mechanisms of capture and extraction in these posts, because i think thats useful in itself and is something to do, where I'm at, plus i can process what I'm experiencing

today its describing a method of exhaustion. systems can keep people unfree if they can bleed and drain people- for instance by keeping them in a state of vigilance or irritation

someone is playing music right now and i hear the recurring baseline. its at that low and distant form where you almost feel it rather than hear it.

people have a will and means to dump. i talked to my brother earlier today too. he's always been a very smart but anxious man, if it be right to call him a man. like my father he's a boy. my brother has so much anxiety, a troubled mind but he won't just say it. instead he agitates about the fed, gold, bitcoin and other social institutions. i don't like his personality in general. he doesn't laugh ever. he makes everyone do emotional labor. i volunteered to answer but i yelled at him at one point for interrupting. he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does. i think this is the anxiety driver. anxiety is a personality and it keeps itself hidden. how can an anxious man be a man, be grounded? i push back on load transfer. not a dumping ground ffs

the key to the systems method of exhaustion is recharge- besides pushing back and refusing load. i get recharge in the bath. the method of exhaustion is sinister. why can't people just be grounded?

calvin had salvation anxiety as did the puritans. often such anxiety is over nothing, over literature - thats why they're like children. a man bears his load- and rejects what isn't his-- and he can bear the rightful load of his love interest or even women in general instead of anxious men ffs

0=0. i call this the base equation- my words. a system of two equations in two unknowns had terms eliminated to arrive at equations for x1 and x2. i was curious what would happen if i continued the same processs of elimination. 0=0. i think that's pretty cool. i dont know what that means. it seems mystical

i think i know what happens.

load goes into me
its processed and detected faster and its cost and impact. my gut feels it as its coming alive. i go through more cycles and deeper on every cycle- but i wish there wasn't as many cycles. i have to escape cycles- with surplus and strategy

movers get caught. still ones survive, until they're ready to make their move- see number 98 in GoT (not game of thrones).

still and observant ones see systems moving and operating

only some books of the new testament teach that faith is the means of salvation, as the condition for grace. those same ones i think also teach a need for a saving or salvation or rescue operation. john and paul i think are the big ones, not the synoptics. all this makes you wonder about stuff. how did this civilization come to get such anxiety? the romans probably did a number, before christianity. as to alternatives- and the romans weren't all and always bad, I don't know that I'd like the carthaginians or their culture. the etruscans i might have- the gauls i might have too. magna graeca could have grown too and taken over but for rome. anyway europe was colonized by itself or empires and then by religion which rode that empire. i have an open mind to history. i haven't predecided that much. i don't have strong verdicts about the ancient past

i just want to break free
oh how i want to be free

little by little, then a lot at once i suspect

 

[odyseus]

bros

i always felt like a good interaction with an HB (I don't think like that, thats tongue and cheek old school ref) was one where greater polarity was created

I'm at a public event now taking a break

it dawns on me that as that is generated, forces activate to try to squash that- cause it is coded as a threat kinda or sth

my main method, the natural method is threat coded here- i think. even when n0 words nothing offensive or unsafe is done - intrinsically

also I think if i wouldn't have gone to gac but hometown uni i would gave gotten a gf maybe wife ~25 years ago. yeah for real. that idea also just flashed to me tonight


costly decisions-- people say there are no mistakes. fine- definitions can be loose and i see their point but ill throw out the idea of cost. its all cost vs reward/gain. my hometown institution would have probably served me and changed my life. i don't know. i havent thought this counterfactually before. . my choices of major would have been broader too- finance actually not financial economics but also engineering. i might have discovered that. costs of choices or of gradients and forces. i still dont known why I went there, i mean what i was thinking. my memory is dim

the place didn't offer as many majors, but it didn't bestow confidence at the end or career readiness despite 100s of or sth. this is where aaron clarey gets it. hes from mlps and i read his book worthless years later but for me it was worse than worthless. it was soul gaslighting and inferiority complex or ar least confusion generating. i always caught scents of other world so i never folded or collapsed but i never rose

the two big ideas came as flashes of insight
i should join the party again



and i dont play their irony games because i am too poor. thats the reason. i can't pay q double cost. i cant do self erasure which is undignifying, merely for a shot in some system, where every girl i did ever yet with built a path for me and made it warm. i want to be a gravity guy. i admit it though if i wasnt as poor i could take more chances. i mean be more self minimizing or reducing. I'm leaving the city soon anyway so help me zeus



I'm watching them dance. they wre not good or bad. i do not see them as evil but as a different subspecies. that is true. give me that. i dont play their games (because primarily i am too poor in spirit and cant afford dignity loss when they give nothing) BUT I DO TRY FIND WAYS TO ADAPT, to solve the system. I'm not naturally a sideline guy, a low risk guy. i cant abide standing outside the fire. rock and hard place i guess. i dont know what to say. got burned in this crazy fire many times. not against risking pain again, just not dignity loss self erasure or pain in a way i know is certain. man's gotta use his mind after all and I'm going for gravity if possible but i dont know. I'm trying to find viable solution. i did come out here didn't i?

 

[odyseus]

models are not just cognitive- they are embodied and so must navigation be

people react because of implicit embodied fused feeling perceptions

A huge amount of navigation is pre-conceptual. It lives in posture, muscle tone, autonomic response, timing, inhibition, approach/avoidance. Long before a proposition forms (“this is unfair,” “this is threatening,” “this is wrong”), the body has already moved — tensed, recoiled, leaned in, shut down, flared.
That’s why reactions feel involuntary and often arrive with moral language already attached. The language is late. The response is early.
When money, power, hierarchy, or asymmetry shows up, it doesn’t just collide with ideas — it collides with trained bodily expectations:
expectations of reciprocity,
expectations of proportional reward,
expectations of safety under effort

how does one access the embodied model? slowly and parasympathetically. long baths, warm baths. silence and reading put stuff in- other good stuff. napoleon was a huge reader. a person has to feel their beliefs, their model, which lives in the spine as much as the head

anxiety- what drives most behavior of most people by far- directly or indirectly: salvation anxiety, status anxiety, survival anxiety, development and growth anxiety, economic anxiety

this actually largely steals focus of looking at things the way they are, which is largely horrible, which is hard to do. there are many many horrors in the world

were we born to live like this, or to live like this given such economic abundance? what can we freely drop or slough off as they used to say but with a different meaning? what is free- if we can access ourselves? start there

moral anxiety is huge.

there are A LOT of contradictions if one goes deep enough.

its wrong to love money or chase money directly- but it is fine to work 2080 hours a year pursuing it, and miss out on life, your daughters dancing perfornance because of it. I'm not saying sacrifices don't have to be made. I'm saying see the contradictions

money doesn't flow disproportionately to the moral. it can flow to the immoral. that offends people or they live in disbelief and denial

it is an energy body, an emotional body that first senses things or reacts. there is an internal pressure, internal stresses and forces and external forces.

there are things which twist a man, twist his mind- or a woman!! - twist his orientation, collapse his will, fragment his mind. napoleons first real military op under the revolutionary gov saw his men mutiny. he wasn't the top commander but he saw weak leadership, low morale and so on. there is a too soon syndrome. its too soon to act when the body is not congruent and aligned, springing forth, unless the system forces a move. I've always been as late binding as possible. i love closure but this is different. i like to wait till the last minute for some things. it seems to fire me up and also maximally inform me, of the lay of things, of others paths committed to

 

[odyseus]

i have a language now for a thing i experience. i can't remember which but early in nag hammadi, one of the books talks about having a name. you need a name. i thought of old jim croce when i read that

but my expression is that external forces here- noises events etc decide in practice when i am allowed to expand and when i have to contract.

i so like being able to go deep with ling focus where its deathly quiet but the system and its energy decide when contraction/consolidation is necessary. it could be a real estate summons or noise or whatever. i want to do them both while achieving greater socereignty- and space to love and have eros, but discipline says to not expand too far, past what one can hold. its not what you capture but what you can hold i suppose

and the world likes breaking, or draining, or luring balls away from their strength and pretogative

consolidating well is key too in life. wars happen, the levée en masse. all this is input for a brain. so many are unsettled and even when they are, they create interference

i want to expand expand expand, stretch stretch stretch, close my duties, improve my lot so i can be more free but things call and summon and even things in my earned "free" time

 

[odyseus]

frame- over and over again- new levels of understanding of core concepts:

to move is to lose frame
that does not mean to hold rigid and tense is to keep frame. maybe it does, if the other falls for a bluff and loses it faster. in some things- negotiations and love songs, frame and things are a zero sum game but how it applies with men and women is that she wins, in the old theory, when you win. she is liquid- needing freedom to move and express herself fluidly, mercurially while you hold container. fluid mechanics is also just as much the study of containers and surfaces

to move (flinch, wince or worse be pulled away from center) is to lose frame. to be still but moved cognitively is to lose frame

"the kingdom is within you, and outside of you"- that to me says you need inner frame. it has to exist for your spirit. there's an outer frame, an outer order. it is not about being above or below, left or right but it is about being embodied, one, unified, integrated

the hips buzz but feel the draft, the pull, the levée en masse. the world yearns to draft us- some systems more than others

napoleon was a genius, a reader and a hard worker. nobody is above the law though and nobody is special. do as he did in a similar system from a similar position-- i know chaos theory and the three body problem means we can't know the outcome. they can diverge wildly. but for saleceti at the right time- even the push he got from paoli, the de facto exile-- napoleon would not have been as such but these are also living systems - people i mean- by which i mean yes there is timing, yes path dependence, opportunity and synchronicity but also a heat seeking missile quality to things, ambition etc but hes a human with certain qualities, not a magic man. nobody is

systems can be overconstrained or overdetermined. when you go into a new place or new system, enter a new room, often you can feel it. i think adults are trained or otherwise lose the ability to sense things. they grow tolerant to things, constraints and lowered expectations in the name of adulthood or whatever. unless you become as a child. thomas is an operators manual for freer consciousness, one guy said. same with the synoptics in a way vs pauline and john. those things can be capturing instead. i guess capturing induced you into a constrained system. that's the relation between capture and constraint, where capture holds a person

select your venue, your system
more people are sons of royalty than there are royal offices, more people elite educated than elite level jobs or status positions- because they're the victims of successful replication or reproduction. what does that mean for the non elites, don't bother? no! hold frame-- but i don't love that expression. i like "grow frame" or grow and hold frame. you can't hold what you never had or grew, and i suggest paying the iron price not the gold. my dad paid the gold. i am paying more the iron. I'm just mad the time and cost it is exacting-- because i need still time to live and enjoy and harvest. i used to be scared. maybe i still am but its suppressed or numb. who can say?

growing frame is not always easy. others are growing it too- the IRS or the state regulatory bodies- and i started to see a while back assets as an extension on my physical body-- they have frame and constraints.. and competitors are growing frame too. there's frame for conquest, where that matters, frame for operation- where systems and regulatory actors matter but its not zero-sum-ish, and there's pure zero sum wellness frame- eat well, don't take insult or abuse or at least don't metabolize and internalize it. categories exist therefore of frame it appears.

my relation to noise changes depending on what mood I'm in. sometimes some otherwise disruptive noise hurts so good. is this a frame issue? cognitive load is also a thing. capacity was never infinite. artillery needs an artillery train, gunpowder supply lines etc. that was one of napoleons first commissions. that was partly how the sardinian mission broke down- his very very first but not through his defect

supply matters in war. war is messy AF or can often be. how much is actually textbook? how accurately do we read the past and mythologize it in hundred ways unconsciously? thoughts are things and many of them are not good, not structured, not organized