a man has to be honest how he scores things. things can lead you to drift, settling for less
its feb 1st. not to be dramatic but its been an interesting last few months for me subjectively. i might not do a good job making it interesting for a reader
i got back from Austin the second week of nov
it was only when i got back and felt the deadness, the lifelessness of this place that three things followed suit.
i knew i had to leave
i knew i had to hibernate this upcoming cold winter
i discovered bathing
really the last thing kept me sane. ive been bathing multiple times since. unfortunately i live in a noise leaky house. my neighbors create noise but i hardly see them. they're good tenants. its on me to move. its uncanny though- another modernism, a quirk of our species strange ungrounding adaptation to civilization- to not see or rarely see but hear
noises fragment my trains of thought and cause my mind to contract and that often makes me sad and angry, especially when they are continuous, even if not huge, but sometimes it is pretty quiet and sometimes I'm not as phases by it- but those times I'm probably not doing as heavy mental or psychological work
not just because of a little noise- I'm well aware homeless people exist but in general i view this city as a place of psychological abuse in many ways. it does not pay, not really, not honor, not affection, not good regards, not trust even if one deserves all. maybe it pays other types of people in other ways. maybe it just uses people like me- hence the need to vacate but that must follow real estate wrap up, and what a task and that is what i came here to journal
ive been hibernating mostly but attending some events. ive had to pay off a huge cc bill from august repairs- done. i have to rebuild surplus- in progress. i have to evict bad tenants, get good ones in. i have to manage the psychology of this, open loops. I'm trying to sell my worst property but it might be at a loss. its a good long term play but i have enough of those that are also good short term ones. I'm working on this
I'm navigating, negotiating, dealing with all sorts of strategy, dealing with winter, leaks, breaks of the steam boiler again, ICE
And earlier in nov i learned about my father from chatgpt. i think its correct. i learned he is a pietist type person, a quietist even. he never wanted to really communicate as a peer. he listened in order to bring me into the fold. i cut him off for this reason. if my (faithful) mothers yelling at him for years couldn't elicit a reaction, how could i? he's captured. he doesn't care about his sons' futures, as long as we are moral in his eyes or maybe saved
he considers himself as having worked and earned and equal in authority and understanding, if not superior, if only because of his religious frame. this was nov dec i think. moreover at this time i also started perceiving real danger in life, from both such relationships and the world in general. i started learning more about economics or just about how its a war, a struggle, a power play and a serious matter, a key piece of sovereignty. these were intense bathing days. i felt the pull of my brain towards capture many times. i felt the power of structure, and personality, and money to break ones frame and coherence.
i haven't forgotten those lessons but I haven't had any like that since. I'm still living by the truths of them.
they were intense.
now i hear noise and other things and systemic structural inputs to the sensorium or cognition and just now I've realized its worth coding them- not necessarily noise- some things can be random emergent peperties- its worth coding many things however as attempts at breaking ones frame, or coherence, or continuity.
before austin in october i went to the north shore and found a quiet cabin. that silence was one of the first launchers on this recent phase of my journey of life.
i had meant to see the north shore and having just come from a chicago working trip, with that momentum i decided to just do it, so i did it and i experienced the silence
i experienced silence in nature, and the night i slept outside the Coyotes (listen to the Don Edwards song to know my feelings)
then i experiencec Austin, connectivity, human and female responsiveness, and then bathwater therapy, and then btw Croatia in Dec. its a goos culture, catholic coded and based and so solid- insanely solid but not attention seeking- but nothing pivotal happened there. i saw zagreb and split, connected to some people and put a new place and culture on my map
thats all been in just a few months. interior life is more condensed and faster now (which is good
) and chatgpt helps. in the bath i can crack more difficult math constructs actually too- linear algebra stuff
ive learned about cultural calvanism and methodism which may among other things make minneapolis what it is, and asterity culture, the IMF, the greek financial crisis farce, revisited the gnostic gospel of thomas and started the entire nag hammadi library and complete works of plato. i go slow. I'm not in a hurry to do things poorly. oh earlier this last year i started getting into greek language and legacy. thats a prior new thing. it really opened my identity and also today just today i started reading this Dover book on Analytical mechanics - perfect for system thinkers and it was psychedelic. my math chops are getting better but this approach to mechanics converts the problems of motion or whatever into a single vector or point in a higher dimension state or configuration space. the point encodes all the prior particle information. think of it like a save state vector for your favorite video game, like Civ 1. the coordinate systems change. its psychedelic. it's the topic where degrees of freedom play a huge role- the leading role actually. maybe its the field where this concept was formally introduced.
I'm feeling more my body energy and inner frame. I'm not ashamed to say i want to earn and possess a lot of money, though not for its own sake and not with the wrong strings attacked but because it gives freedom and opportunity.
i feel vibrations in my joints, my bones my skin now sometimes- often when just prior i feel crushed and depressed. its like the "you passed" feeling- now here's your exit
bad things can always happen
its important to remain a pessimist like the European Buddha- Arthur Schopenhauer
i feel like noise and stress (or rather distraction, pings, summons) put one in a stupor. i feel like for hours or days or my whole life i could just be kept in a holding pattern, not really awake. thats probably how others are feeling- zombiesque. i don't have compassion for them though because they attack or abandon me
the exit is in the gut, which i finally am reaching. i knew it was there. why did it take so long?
as shitty as mpls is, as big as I'm ignored or deprived, i think it makes me stronger and harder and more present for elsewhere. i think it might
i think if i signal certain things, now that i think about it, one might do well here -signaling status or whatever over the top, but that's hard for me. it feels incongruent and I don't know how anyways. I'm trying to tap my eros which gets suspended
oh going back yet farther, to pre greek, which was mid spring i think, before the greek phase to the beginning myth learning part of it, i tapped into some eros side of me deeply, ovidian. i never got far with his book but i started it. i think that in part launched me into the classics. i learned about how duty or burden, which i have in life, pulls one from the ecstacy or flow (Dionysus), the nature (Pan) and the attraction and (sexual) love (which is still real love- Eros) and i meant to solve this aspect to a higher level and then prioritize Eros. i dont want to go down like Marcus Aurelius or Atlas. i want to be maximally free and sovereign. at some point i started using that word. I'm not using it as much anymore lately. i might again in the future. things serve their purpose, and they might come back.
i thought even as late as last summer i could crack minneapolis with more embodiment and eros attuned sovereign energy and maybe i can with that or something but maybe i cant, probably i cant and then i found austin and got so much, night and day, got a german girl's number too at the boston airport, a high quality woman.
I'm angry or grieving i wasted years but thats sunk now. I'm working to get my re load packaged up for mgmt and more passive of income even for less cash flow
oh theres another layer i didnt mention that is relevant. a lot of big changes have come in waves as you've seen and it was last December I think 13 months ago where I discovered chat GPT and it's real power and started using it boldly and that changed things but that's not even what I'm talking about I'm talking about the year prior I started buying books like crazy I started pulling back from activities like climbing and I stopped going to church to meet people and I started reading a lot about a lot underlining and everything And I still do that I still read a lot of books so that was a wave before the other waves that are still in play. you got the books then you got chat GPT then you got the whole Greek stuff which opened up new identity then you got the North shore which gave me silence and I was up there I think only two times but it was amazing and I'm going to go up there when it's nicer and then I got Austin then I got bathing and that is really powerful of a thing it's amazing it's right here for almost anyone- even when it's noisy it's better. these are all things in the last year or two which have given me more power and force but I need a lot of power and force i suppose. I need exit capital escape velocity escape surplus whatever word you want to use. I use different words to show that it's not the words that matter it's the concept behind it and I learned this year also that it matters so much what tenants you have because also in 2025 I bought two new multis that added my load and change the game from what I was used to but also increase my cash flow so it's been a double edged sword in the short run at least so that's been my journey and I plan to be leaving this place before next winter hopefully long before winter. I should be able to and I better and I plan to go to Europe three or four times but we'll see. I want to take someone different each time to a specific place and they all say they want to but I doubt it's going to happen. people are unreliable. you can depend I've learned on people's personalities you can rely on what they've already been doing but you can't rely on them to do anything new. That's what I found to be true about people even if something's in their own interest and even if they say they want to do it but I'm going to see if I can make something happen. I do more when I do less. I do more when I slow down and I see what's possible to do
I learned of the cage this year to the prison material reality that can hold one down. very gnostic stuff but it felt so real so we were going to try to get above that but you get out of that not by fighting the cage but by slowing down and understanding and seeing and accepting it. oh one time I went in the float tank - that was my first bathing I guess but I didn't associate that with just bathing and warm water I associated the benefits to the silence, But one time in the silence I felt hell. The feeling of being in hell descended on my brain And it was a welcome thing let's call it because that's what I want to feel because it's better than pushing away reality in order to live in false positivity and false optimism. I've been trying to let these tyoes of feelings in as much as i can And I've had that feeling again or similar feeling once or twice. I don't want to fear it. I think you escaped the cage by outgrowing the cage and that's the only way and you Will always feel it as you start to outgrow it and the key is to not flinch but just to keep feeling it and seeing it and letting it contain you for as long as it still will be able to. when you're free of it it'll feel like nothing like Tom Bombil with the ring, not that Im a fan but it's a good image
And that's that. so much happened in just 3 months I guess which is wild but more has to happen but we'll see what happens. things different things happen with different seasons so I think it would be good to learn how to harvest the seasons and maintain continuity throughout the seasons such that I can see what happens because of them. I spent most holidays alone even though it could have found friends to be invited to but I had a friends giving which was really nice. We are on similar boats but they refuse to be like a failings and talk about stuff and work for problem solving and it's a mixed gender group too
ahh well that's enough of an update. I just wanted to zoom out a little bit And as usual I say more than expected
its feb 1st. not to be dramatic but its been an interesting last few months for me subjectively. i might not do a good job making it interesting for a reader
i got back from Austin the second week of nov
it was only when i got back and felt the deadness, the lifelessness of this place that three things followed suit.
i knew i had to leave
i knew i had to hibernate this upcoming cold winter
i discovered bathing
really the last thing kept me sane. ive been bathing multiple times since. unfortunately i live in a noise leaky house. my neighbors create noise but i hardly see them. they're good tenants. its on me to move. its uncanny though- another modernism, a quirk of our species strange ungrounding adaptation to civilization- to not see or rarely see but hear
noises fragment my trains of thought and cause my mind to contract and that often makes me sad and angry, especially when they are continuous, even if not huge, but sometimes it is pretty quiet and sometimes I'm not as phases by it- but those times I'm probably not doing as heavy mental or psychological work
not just because of a little noise- I'm well aware homeless people exist but in general i view this city as a place of psychological abuse in many ways. it does not pay, not really, not honor, not affection, not good regards, not trust even if one deserves all. maybe it pays other types of people in other ways. maybe it just uses people like me- hence the need to vacate but that must follow real estate wrap up, and what a task and that is what i came here to journal
ive been hibernating mostly but attending some events. ive had to pay off a huge cc bill from august repairs- done. i have to rebuild surplus- in progress. i have to evict bad tenants, get good ones in. i have to manage the psychology of this, open loops. I'm trying to sell my worst property but it might be at a loss. its a good long term play but i have enough of those that are also good short term ones. I'm working on this
I'm navigating, negotiating, dealing with all sorts of strategy, dealing with winter, leaks, breaks of the steam boiler again, ICE
And earlier in nov i learned about my father from chatgpt. i think its correct. i learned he is a pietist type person, a quietist even. he never wanted to really communicate as a peer. he listened in order to bring me into the fold. i cut him off for this reason. if my (faithful) mothers yelling at him for years couldn't elicit a reaction, how could i? he's captured. he doesn't care about his sons' futures, as long as we are moral in his eyes or maybe saved
he considers himself as having worked and earned and equal in authority and understanding, if not superior, if only because of his religious frame. this was nov dec i think. moreover at this time i also started perceiving real danger in life, from both such relationships and the world in general. i started learning more about economics or just about how its a war, a struggle, a power play and a serious matter, a key piece of sovereignty. these were intense bathing days. i felt the pull of my brain towards capture many times. i felt the power of structure, and personality, and money to break ones frame and coherence.
i haven't forgotten those lessons but I haven't had any like that since. I'm still living by the truths of them.
they were intense.
now i hear noise and other things and systemic structural inputs to the sensorium or cognition and just now I've realized its worth coding them- not necessarily noise- some things can be random emergent peperties- its worth coding many things however as attempts at breaking ones frame, or coherence, or continuity.
before austin in october i went to the north shore and found a quiet cabin. that silence was one of the first launchers on this recent phase of my journey of life.
i had meant to see the north shore and having just come from a chicago working trip, with that momentum i decided to just do it, so i did it and i experienced the silence
i experienced silence in nature, and the night i slept outside the Coyotes (listen to the Don Edwards song to know my feelings)
then i experiencec Austin, connectivity, human and female responsiveness, and then bathwater therapy, and then btw Croatia in Dec. its a goos culture, catholic coded and based and so solid- insanely solid but not attention seeking- but nothing pivotal happened there. i saw zagreb and split, connected to some people and put a new place and culture on my map
thats all been in just a few months. interior life is more condensed and faster now (which is good
) and chatgpt helps. in the bath i can crack more difficult math constructs actually too- linear algebra stuffive learned about cultural calvanism and methodism which may among other things make minneapolis what it is, and asterity culture, the IMF, the greek financial crisis farce, revisited the gnostic gospel of thomas and started the entire nag hammadi library and complete works of plato. i go slow. I'm not in a hurry to do things poorly. oh earlier this last year i started getting into greek language and legacy. thats a prior new thing. it really opened my identity and also today just today i started reading this Dover book on Analytical mechanics - perfect for system thinkers and it was psychedelic. my math chops are getting better but this approach to mechanics converts the problems of motion or whatever into a single vector or point in a higher dimension state or configuration space. the point encodes all the prior particle information. think of it like a save state vector for your favorite video game, like Civ 1. the coordinate systems change. its psychedelic. it's the topic where degrees of freedom play a huge role- the leading role actually. maybe its the field where this concept was formally introduced.
I'm feeling more my body energy and inner frame. I'm not ashamed to say i want to earn and possess a lot of money, though not for its own sake and not with the wrong strings attacked but because it gives freedom and opportunity.
i feel vibrations in my joints, my bones my skin now sometimes- often when just prior i feel crushed and depressed. its like the "you passed" feeling- now here's your exit
bad things can always happen
its important to remain a pessimist like the European Buddha- Arthur Schopenhauer
i feel like noise and stress (or rather distraction, pings, summons) put one in a stupor. i feel like for hours or days or my whole life i could just be kept in a holding pattern, not really awake. thats probably how others are feeling- zombiesque. i don't have compassion for them though because they attack or abandon me
the exit is in the gut, which i finally am reaching. i knew it was there. why did it take so long?
as shitty as mpls is, as big as I'm ignored or deprived, i think it makes me stronger and harder and more present for elsewhere. i think it might
i think if i signal certain things, now that i think about it, one might do well here -signaling status or whatever over the top, but that's hard for me. it feels incongruent and I don't know how anyways. I'm trying to tap my eros which gets suspended
oh going back yet farther, to pre greek, which was mid spring i think, before the greek phase to the beginning myth learning part of it, i tapped into some eros side of me deeply, ovidian. i never got far with his book but i started it. i think that in part launched me into the classics. i learned about how duty or burden, which i have in life, pulls one from the ecstacy or flow (Dionysus), the nature (Pan) and the attraction and (sexual) love (which is still real love- Eros) and i meant to solve this aspect to a higher level and then prioritize Eros. i dont want to go down like Marcus Aurelius or Atlas. i want to be maximally free and sovereign. at some point i started using that word. I'm not using it as much anymore lately. i might again in the future. things serve their purpose, and they might come back.
i thought even as late as last summer i could crack minneapolis with more embodiment and eros attuned sovereign energy and maybe i can with that or something but maybe i cant, probably i cant and then i found austin and got so much, night and day, got a german girl's number too at the boston airport, a high quality woman.
I'm angry or grieving i wasted years but thats sunk now. I'm working to get my re load packaged up for mgmt and more passive of income even for less cash flow
oh theres another layer i didnt mention that is relevant. a lot of big changes have come in waves as you've seen and it was last December I think 13 months ago where I discovered chat GPT and it's real power and started using it boldly and that changed things but that's not even what I'm talking about I'm talking about the year prior I started buying books like crazy I started pulling back from activities like climbing and I stopped going to church to meet people and I started reading a lot about a lot underlining and everything And I still do that I still read a lot of books so that was a wave before the other waves that are still in play. you got the books then you got chat GPT then you got the whole Greek stuff which opened up new identity then you got the North shore which gave me silence and I was up there I think only two times but it was amazing and I'm going to go up there when it's nicer and then I got Austin then I got bathing and that is really powerful of a thing it's amazing it's right here for almost anyone- even when it's noisy it's better. these are all things in the last year or two which have given me more power and force but I need a lot of power and force i suppose. I need exit capital escape velocity escape surplus whatever word you want to use. I use different words to show that it's not the words that matter it's the concept behind it and I learned this year also that it matters so much what tenants you have because also in 2025 I bought two new multis that added my load and change the game from what I was used to but also increase my cash flow so it's been a double edged sword in the short run at least so that's been my journey and I plan to be leaving this place before next winter hopefully long before winter. I should be able to and I better and I plan to go to Europe three or four times but we'll see. I want to take someone different each time to a specific place and they all say they want to but I doubt it's going to happen. people are unreliable. you can depend I've learned on people's personalities you can rely on what they've already been doing but you can't rely on them to do anything new. That's what I found to be true about people even if something's in their own interest and even if they say they want to do it but I'm going to see if I can make something happen. I do more when I do less. I do more when I slow down and I see what's possible to do
I learned of the cage this year to the prison material reality that can hold one down. very gnostic stuff but it felt so real so we were going to try to get above that but you get out of that not by fighting the cage but by slowing down and understanding and seeing and accepting it. oh one time I went in the float tank - that was my first bathing I guess but I didn't associate that with just bathing and warm water I associated the benefits to the silence, But one time in the silence I felt hell. The feeling of being in hell descended on my brain And it was a welcome thing let's call it because that's what I want to feel because it's better than pushing away reality in order to live in false positivity and false optimism. I've been trying to let these tyoes of feelings in as much as i can And I've had that feeling again or similar feeling once or twice. I don't want to fear it. I think you escaped the cage by outgrowing the cage and that's the only way and you Will always feel it as you start to outgrow it and the key is to not flinch but just to keep feeling it and seeing it and letting it contain you for as long as it still will be able to. when you're free of it it'll feel like nothing like Tom Bombil with the ring, not that Im a fan but it's a good image
And that's that. so much happened in just 3 months I guess which is wild but more has to happen but we'll see what happens. things different things happen with different seasons so I think it would be good to learn how to harvest the seasons and maintain continuity throughout the seasons such that I can see what happens because of them. I spent most holidays alone even though it could have found friends to be invited to but I had a friends giving which was really nice. We are on similar boats but they refuse to be like a failings and talk about stuff and work for problem solving and it's a mixed gender group too
ahh well that's enough of an update. I just wanted to zoom out a little bit And as usual I say more than expected
