I'm fukt

[odyseus]

certain things are becoming clearer to me and if anyone thinks i complain too much, I'm always checking my phone these days vigilantly in case one of my properties has a disaster or needs attention, plus managing intermittent cash flows, besides the normal stuff. if im not present that might be the reason but i am present, more than ppl here usually

so i realized it is good to have joy and pleasure and fun and life in the present. i so it when i can. you need pleasure for health, really, especially when there are stressors and despite all else one of my huge stressors is just dumb noise, dumb car noise- horns and sirens

one of my pleasures is sitting down and reading at end of day - any number of books. Napoleon did and schopenhauer talked about that but one needs pleasure ideally but if one is in a shitty system one can invest in the future, defer And invest

there are therefore two strategies, non mutually exclusive
PRESENT strategy
FUTURE strategy

i fail often in the FORMER and have failed or been locked out historically - now i see it has been a rationing and sick and inverted system- and shit family system, my parents as embarrassment too
so i did the LATTER for years, cheerfully and optimistically and that too is what real estate was about but that seems to be not panning out. one ought to arrive at a present that is abundant or something

fail

so when that dawns on the subconscious your mood falls and then it dawns on my conscious

hence the journal title I'm Fukt

BUT i recall russia around 2013, shit 13 years ago

bottom line i went there meeting this girl from you guessed it Minnesota, norther, a cute blonde i met online. that failed but at the church i was invited to i met this nice Russian girl who seemed like she wanted to hang out

my points:
- i should have ditched the mn attractive but mn coded uptight one for the sweet Russian one
- but.. not only did i not habe a plan for that, bc i can be flexible but i was planning to move back home to start the old career-- from germany where i was, and i didn't have a plan for foreign visas and stuff. didnt have a career to go back to

-- thats the main stuff. to a lesser extent i also don't like the idea of taking what is offered me as a consolation - i had a will there and then, but that wasn't the issues. really i see it now as throwing out the bad fish and keeping the good but i didn't have discernment

i see now on that Christian dating site the mn girls i linked to, they didn't lack confidence. i like but don't need confidence in women but mn confidence is different. its borrowed frame and certainty too but its also vocalization and directing of the same.. even when some of them i met were "traditional".

but my point is i was and am always high value, just in the wrong context

the future or present is born in a good fair environment, though one needs econonic viability

my record is skewed by years here- 18 in family house, 4 college 2 more and these last 10. thats too many years in a place like this without seeing it was to blame. blame(results)

i can take all types, i think-almost all types, flirty, shy as long as they are -- well no thats not true, i dont always do well on drunk extroverts either but i can handle multiple types but there are no types like the mn type ive seen anywhere else AND they are almost all like this here

No PRESENT pleasure but stress - i get pleasure from reading in public spaces and from warm bathing now but lets get real. No FUTURE although it always feels like what one does will come through. Feel like good antonio from MoV waiting for his ships to come in, just need one, from investments and I'm using that term broadly. real estate was a recent financial investment - started 10 years ago actually but snowballed lately but i mean college the first and second time was investment, failed kinda, my hobbies here were largely an investment- though a pleasure too. my travel and my reading are investments but also pleasure. posting here is relief and investment - a desperate one but still kinda somewhat of one. being part of a church was one and i did get much female interest, and connection to the man that helped me get more real estate.

but that failed largely and you realize it much more slowly, losing the ability to pretend as life flies away

so..

what third way is there?

i have to cut myself loose from local binds and flee but its not fleeing. its positive migration i guess but we'll see what happens but some, many its worth recognizing got and get pleasure in the present and always have- validation etc. there are also homeless too

learning a lot of things that dont work i guess.

being harder to gaslight- which explains probably partly why i have the invective i do elsewhere.

still shocking to accept that so much depends on a place, that systems can be so incompatible and immune to personal qualities, virtues, effort. thats the nature of incompatability per shilovs description of systems with no solutions. i rail against this place now and no wonder, given what it has taken and wasted years but note and know a part of me has a hard time still believing it can't be overcome

no present + no future = no fair no fun servitude. servitude is my new theme. servitus was latin for slavery i think

i think things are clearer and we will see how they unfold with said clarity, if i can keep it

 

[odyseus]

I'm constantly going over what may seem to any reader to be the same things but to me i don't think i am. i sometimes am but am striking deeper but I'm also circling. i seek awareness- in this place. why do i say that? because that might be all i can extract, and it might be necessary to stay sane.

i think this place is frustrating and my life situation now not just because I'm not getting girls or even respect but that even deeper this place discourages or resists agency. there are road blocks i think to taking agency, to using your frontal cotext, on anything, any work or hobby. how is this possible? a few ways include noise and also signal interruption as well as compliance rituals, also the social demand for performative optimism, also everywhere one goes people asking unseriously how are you

i think I'm deep but illegible as such. i am a bad fit but i think agency is resisted, as well as reciprocity or equality, which would give refreshment and make a thing sustainable

that's why my body/mind keeps sending the frustration lower in my body- my pelvis and lower spine until i get the vibration and decoupling and awareness. i have a deep and profound mismatch to this place. i didn't even know i was a forebrain person more than many others. time has shown that i am because others - well actually I can't judge. everyone shows initiative in different places and some things are private. people can be taciturn

i still wish to open, to outframe toxic capturing frames and to win and survive. i am learning about coordinate systems in math and transformations and degrees of freedom. i can see, hear and feel how different sudden impulses immediately bite down on psychological DoF. i call it hobbling. its anti scaffolding and a person who fails or misses i think is more likely to blame themselves. stoicism or the modern version and the ambiance i think suggests the blame function should default to the self and to moral character and fiber- and that's fine, i would be happy with it as long as structure and structures were also discussed, looked at, evaluated for their effect, honestly.

image just popped in my head- imagine two people who like each other trying to date, but each has an invisible entity whispering in their ear and quasi holding them back

even imagine the guy doesn't, but his mate choices do.

versus- both are free in the mind from such things. enzyme inhibitors

gotta get the buzz. i can get the buzz, i can arrive at different buzzes over time- in my head, on my toes, in my tailbone or hips. buzzes seem to release stress, without discharging the spring force- the resentment or pain or posture etc

 

[odyseus]

sex has been intensely moralized and types have been cast- that is sex is moralized in minnesota and men are cast as perpetrators and therefore things don't flow. if one isn't productive or at least grinding, that is moral and if one doesn't care about some current version of social justice, that is moralized

i just put on some porn after a long absence and observed the feelings in my brain. i was thinking about the book Sex at dawn and if it is even partly true, we're an evolved hypersexual species, a rarity and so all the observed moralization is bogus in a way or is extra. besides that, men are expected to be subordinate and deferential here in mn. besides that one is expected to be polite and grind, and not get too deep or "philosophical". what the hell is that, "philosophical" as they mean it? asking questions? that's why in the mpls airport I don't see guys sitting on the massage machine chair and when i do and watch people, their faces are so tense and heavy here. not so much tense as burdened and collapsed, constrained, looping, but this was not the case in other airports. boston was the best

it is immoral to dodge the draft, or the world war drafts. that would get one a stigma. he who discovers the world..

discovers and observes

just hearing them around me, it seems they are all driven by dutiful labor, dutifully shoveling

they role cast. they perform morality.

i am trying to figure out how to stretch. i don't know how to stretch here, to expand, before i am able to move, to take up psychic space. how do i stretch? i mean that very literally here now in bed napping and i mean ut figuratively. it is my kingdom, my world to stretch in. i have to stretch down, with greater certainty in my voice and downward pitch and command in that mode and still keep my math loving history loving boyish curiosity in that mode but stretching is necessary. there will be no more real estate acquisitions- only consolidation and maybe a sale. the rhythm makes it hard to stretch to- the beeps of horns and just the way the mood is- everything is short and curt and "in ones lane". i actually heard a speech once at a dinner for professionals and his advice of the keynote speaker was stay in your lane. the sounds of the environment are often arresting but i have to stretch

they don't disallow things outright. they make them cost prohibitive so i need to make costly things affordable somehow, against the gradient. i want to make this world and city pay me. one has to REALLY hold frame and shake it down

 

[odyseus]

I know what things I want to talk about in this article. I don't like the term post. I know what I want and have to say, so I just have to decide how to thread all of my ideas for this evening together.

The main idea- and this is an idea for life improvement - is the cost function- or cost accounting. Besides the usual shit-- and some things are going well for me in the background even- besides the usual shit though, there is general entropy. My unit is messy. I have to caulk my bathtub, my car is messy (they both were clean earlier) and they are very cluttered. Things are creeping and seeping into my mind as well that take away clarity and awareness. I am not so driven in my job right now and I get calls and messages about my real estate all the time- fix this, do that, chase this guy down, and even driving and doing basic functional things, i make mistakes. I forget things or lose things or have to double back about something. It's not that I am a perfectionist but that I can't really afford to be sloppy. I am too poor to be sloppy. I am basically saying that I want to be more deliberate and cost conscious of things, behaviors, actions. Who knows, I might also be getting a cavity. I haven't had one in years since I started eating more meat but I have had my share in earlier life. Maybe I am not but this is entropy and ingress. This is the world attacking in many ways. I feel like a castle being sieged.

In being deliberate, one has to go slow. One also has to learn how things work. One has to understand state- of things like websites and so on, so that one's will is not contradicted. One has to make allowances for things, as Kipling said. Btw I noticed that despite being hot and seemingly high status, English women have been good to me- Sarah from York, Kate from Leeds and Georgia from Canterbury.. over the span of years. They are decent folk. A man has to make allowances for systems. I am tired of pop ups on websites. All of these little things bring fatigue and when one intends a thing and is contradicted, that is its own special form of frustration, which blows back on the person. It sounds mundane and some times I don't care but I strive hard to not make typos anymore on my computer and my phone.

Little things in life have seemingly somehow become a big deal. I am ready to flow but systems take every little microimpulse and make a big deal out of it and it keeps echoing until the system lets it go. It can make one feel paralyzed to do anything but that's not right. Do things but do them slower and more deliberately. Lock certain axes or degrees of freedom and unlock others. Unlock sovereignty. Unlock allowance for anger and pessimism- no performative niceness or optimism. Look, I only want to do anything or act from the heart and spirit or not at all. I want aware awake eyes. I want to open not close. There is so much friction in life and contradiction- in little things especially these days, so I wish to be aware in advance. Napoleon was obsessed with details if I can use that word. I noticed on my keyboard for example, control + b toggles on and off bold but sometimes it doesn't seem to, so I noticed there is a B icon above that will glow if it's on and not glow if it's not. that's more state or mechanism that I have become aware of so I don't get frustrated and contradicted. It is little I know but if you need justification for this, call it momentum building technology. I have been trying to build momentum and get exit velocity. There are so many ways I can be more deliberate and avoid friction. I think now of all those people who are said to have been obsessive or whatever, and maybe some truly are, but for me it has a telos. It makes sense, in terms of guiding one's steps, and also aura farming or building in a way. I am also observing and pausing when I make a typo error or a series of them. It often but not always happens when my mind gets excited. I think strong men control their excitement. I didn't define strength. That can be yours. Excitement is a dangerous emotion in men. Is it not? Does it ever add value- aside from occasional emotional contagion, versus calm doing the thing? That's NOT stoicism. That's not being excited. I live in a high excitement family I believe. I am seeking calm.

I entered an era of precarity recently. That is driving this in many ways and I thought of opening with precarity.

I have I think to have calm in everything I do- the walk to my car, the cleaning of my car, doing computer stuff. Reading, with a pen and highlighters seems like the only thing where I am immune from blow back, that or bathing but even bathing with noise around me is frustrating sometimes. I want to be very clear- I often feel on edge, in my brain and in my nervous system. Just a little push in the wrong direction sometimes and I am in anguish. I am harder on myself regarding the little things more than the big things, but the little things, the recurrent things feed into the big things.

I was thinking --- by the way it is even harder now-- things are timeboxed and machines and phones operate on their own without one's consent. There is a lot the mind has to track. I only wish to move forward, not reverse.

So I was thinking of actually cleaning tonight between 10 and whenever, after I return home, AND caulking, and cleaning the car. That might be a tall ask but sometimes the intention is actually the main work needed to set something in motion. Even if I just did the caulking, that would be good. I am going north tomorrow- it is just a question of when. I am getting a quiet cabin. Fuck this noisy shit. I could leave very early or I could leave mid-day.

I am precarious. I don't want to lose my passion or sexual polarity- which is who I am but this place punishes excitement- maybe more than most places and it is not a bad thing to purge excitement. My head, my brain always sends excitement impulses. It feels hard to be calm- like I'm re-learning to walk. My brain gets so busy and so fast. I only want to be opening and moving forward. Anyway so that is mostly what I wanted to talk about - cost function. Everything feels expensive when done poorly. Intentionality in every little thing, but in a high tech and assuming world where there are so many things to bear, to carry.

I should say the score is very bad in my life. I am not that permanent ingrate. if i was scoring and winning my mood would reflect that and my attitude to life, I believe, but I am not scoring. As I said, there is not much pleasure in the present, or potential for pleasure, so a man invests- with studies, with college or university, with pick up bootcamps and jobs and careers and outings and so on and hobbies but when they fail and have failed, he has no future either- down that track. lies, or myths, or failures anyway. I am not scoring so i don't also want to feel proud about little gains i make in many ways. I wonder if people call that a violation- arguing that one has to give oneself props but i just don't want to be deluded. that's how people settle. They revise their expectations and then declare themselves as having won. I want to really win. Again, Minnesota tries to frame me in its frame and I have to eat the frame or outframe the frame. This is not optional. This is not strengthening or training the will but I will need a strong will to execute it but maybe the fact that I have a stronger trained will makes me more sensitive to and frustrated by contradiction but this is training not the will but behavior and calm and sight. It is training my gut. It is training and retraining my reflexes. Actually paying attention how to not do typos is teaching me a lot about myself and my gut... but I am not winning until I am winning- fucking nice beautiful women-- and the best ones are in other places- not here.

I failed because i was in the wrong territory. That was the other subject- Land, or territory, or terrain rather.
the moral law, heaven, earth, commander, method and discipline----- heaven and earth are the terrain and it is possible to be a loser, like i am, solely i think by being in the wrong place- that is the wrong fit, the wrong battlefield. Napoleon wasn't very good at sea warfare I guess. He never learned that. It is possible that Minnesota was the main reason I have been losing at life. Emily an old dance partner liked me. She was tall and nice but I got vibes from her that pushed me away. she made herself available to me but she was very minnesotan. This was years ago- 9 years ago. She invited me to hang with her friends. I was close but she was just so normative- not boring or basic. that's fine I can work with that but minnesota coded. I just got those vibes. I didn't have the understanding of minnesota that I do now but I felt like she might be controlling, but maybe it would have been good and great. She did like me after all. Maybe she was ready to grow. Anyway that's neither here nor there.

The art of war or the art of love is vital importance to the self- and terrain is one or two of the factors- heaven and earth. That alone is enough to sink a ship even if I was excellent or becoming more excellent. I have always taken responsibility, but they don't code things the same way, so my normally or otherwise good traits and growth outcomes don't even count or matter- here. A beautiful educated german girl should be mine- or whatever. They would see me and I would see them. I know this- if we could just make the connection.

I am listening to the great album Woods of Ypress Grey Skies and Electric Lights right now. It's that mood. I might not have listened to anything but for shitty background music tonight. That's often how it goes. I have been hibernating this winter as planned except when getting summoned- frequently- by things. I know there is not much value to extract here. Austin showed me what real value is and returning here showed me INSTANTLY as I laid down from my return trip that this place is void and I need to hibernate and leave. I am summoned a lot, by things and I need to change that. This message is done. This was a hard one, like trying to get a ship into port, because I was getting frustrated by typos. I was vigilant about them. Like I said, this is precarity. I don't know how I got here. I was made for love and fellowship, companionship and I am a manly man kind of - not totally but a good amount. I am tall and smart and I have no one but my point is I have not much history of getting some. I don't remember the movie name but at my grandma's once years ago she was playing either a john wayne or a charlton heston or Gary Cooper or something western, where they met a german mother and child family actually out west and the mother child wanted him to stay and he loved them but he moved on. it was sad. he was being stoic or something. I would not move on but those are the emotions. Dry and hanging in there. I am not made for this place, this city. I don't know why I ever thought i was. that was a major mistake. 10 years ago, why did I come here? Path dependence is a bitch of a thing. That is why mistakes can be costly. They teach that one shouldn't be afraid of mistakes, one can just start over- but what if ... what if the worst mistakes are those in which you don't actually start over, you don't get a clean failure. You get a semi- success and invest deeper in the wrong things? I might think of where to live more scientifically in the next while. I chose a city poorly. I have not reflected on why I did that that deeply though it is the most critical pivot of my later adult life.

 

[odyseus]

men and women seek pain relief. for me pain takes the form of entropy and load and also buckling- encroaching in, me getting no support ever and having no means of it, and general entropy and decay that is unrelenting, and losses.

i know one doesn't reason with life. one has to adapt to it and to reality. sun tsu said that war is of vital importance to the state. it is life or death.

decisions determine paths determine outcomes but what determines decisions? pressures, forces, information.

i might have to go all meet for a few weeks. i hope I'm not getting a cavity. its funny i was pure carnivore for 8 months. i have gone years without masturbating while having the desire every day. then i can relax and be so called normal and then sometimes get back into austerity or whatever but austerity if you want to call it that or discipline is not bad if it is voluntarily imposed-- and such things can give benefit- health or vigor but they don't magically alter reality. they can't make an incompatible system compatible. there are still rules.

the world lately feels like it has been trying to pull me into its frame as opposed to an ahistoric free agent of life. it wants me committed and legible but it doesn't give me sufficient pay for such sacrifice.

carnivore would probably forestall any nascent or advanced decay and symptom if indeed i have some. can i have the will? the will or the power side of it is largely a function of energy. fatigue breaks it. what is energy a function of? so many things fatigue a one

powerwolf and bathing and gospel of thomas and mathematics and bio of Napoleon and so on- these are restoratives but life can be exhausting and i like to push the edges. i never had architecture in my favor or support. i had cultural antisupport i see now. life is exhausting i have to admit. entropy and the mission of companies to crack the self and sell and consume is always running.

everything, life is a cycle but how do i progress? mn is a vortex, a cycle that seems at least to me to be keeping me in, or maybe that's just my properties.

the world and life will eat a man
dental work is humiliating, painful, time costing and money costing

my will is weak or tired and things were always shitty here and they encroach and i am alone. i am trying to aura. even if i do, nobody cares. women still look the other way, as a rule. men still speak in irony and non committment

i need money, good tenants, a manager and i have to leave and i have to meet people elsewhere and keep my job, and later start a family i guess, with no scaffolding. napoleon had a sizable and connected family and a strong mother

the external frames want to consume my mind just as bacteria want to consume my enamel and teeth and so many things want to opportunistically colonize other things- sex energy can pick up some of the load but there are limits and it still doesn't get me sex. how do people like bilzerian do it? i know he had money and took testosterone but still its something else

this is zeus and olympians v titans (not all but some). disorder and disorganizing forces abound and there are stakes

 

[odyseus]

i have to be deliberate in all i do now. i see a path i have to walk, or could walk. It is a slow walk, a tortoise walk, a walk of reconfiguration and order preservation and i think one which will pass female vibe checks.

essentially, entropy continuously tries to enclose on a man or woman. it is patient. it is thorough. the vector of collapse or overwhelm can be different for different people.

essentially I'm saying i need to do less and do it better, but more linear as well- more foreordained as opposed to ad hoc, putting out brush fires.

its subtle and its internal. as i started writing this post, mid way through up to here i got mildly, very mildly excited at a deep level of the brain and started writing faster. i became more error prone and also i think my depth and wording would inevitably change as a result.

the ideal state of action is non excited and also not impatient- and it goes without saying not unconscious, sleepwalking. this approach to action should be a cleanup and linearly organizing force, in the external world and importantly no less in the internal. a third state it must not be in is distracted and a fourth rushed. time pressures or time "boxes" force the latter and duties can force the former. i just got interrupted twice in this paragraph on a work text before my day starts. I'm not complaining about the workload itself but just observing the problematic pattern of interruption. this will always arise in this world. there will always be things demanding attention and breaking and forking threads

I'm not trying to be melodramatic but this to me resembles the olympian war against the titans led by zeus, because there are so many forces, distractions, powers, pop ups. one has to work, has to eat, has to uphold, has to brush one's teeth. btw i figured out my tooth issue is a gum issue. this is a war if one wants to use that word against disorder and entropy. a man has to hold his current level of life order together and progress it further.

doing things well and consciously is healing internally.

there are many constraints to work against, around or defeat.

avoid being corrupted, tilted or frustrated emotionally.

let the world prove itself. go at your ideal pace, the naturally required pace

--

slowing down is a superpower. many things try to induct one in this world, to speed one up. i want capital, not to be the servant of capital, especially when forms of service lose their dignity: think presenter from microsoft, with performative hype he has deeply internalized and me as a would be alan rickman.

i want to be the owner of capital, and the owner of my own soul, and time, my time and with intact health and sanity, managing the forces of entropy as well as outframing and outplaying and avoiding the capturing forces. there are so many would be capturing forces but they don't pay me enough. they don't give me the love and sex i deserve. instead they refer me to porn, or feed porn, noveltyporn, rage porn, humor porn. i don't want any of that. i want embodiment, sovereignty, connection, control over my time, surplus etc

life is a mess and i make errors and some such errors are induced. i would say many or most are to a degree. life comes at one when one is doing something, analogous to someone yelling as another is about to shoot a free throw. that is life and blaming functions have to reflect that, or one will stoically scapegoat against oneself.

it is hard, basically, 30 minutes after one wakes up, to stay slow and singular. something does have to give, or multiple things, such as prior expectations but revision in life was always necessary

this modern minneapolis system forces perfection

so be it

napoleon had brothers and a strong mother and a great education (formal education)- three things i did not. even still he was a simp in love at least as far as i have currently read

ovids book is also a war manual of sorts. words of seduction are as artillery, ballistae, trebuchet, howitzers.

to maintain coherence and original purpose throughout a day is no easy feat

women want men to- to what? or what don't they want, don't they need but are assumed to need? a man wants to love women and give and connect, and he often bends but bending may not be necessary. I'm gonna message my single mother balric friend now

the heavy equipment on the street beeps outside my window. the world is a world of load. i want to come through. at some point i have to clean my kitchen, car and living room. i should wash my sheets and i have three beds. i need to fill a 4 bedroom and evict a 2bedroom, work my job and not go crazy. i need to feed myself too and i want to go carnivore briefly for the sake of my gums. most eating even by me is at least part emotional- the timing or the substance and the emotional trigger is nearly always stress, especially that causes by sudden load but even this is a deviation. the body doesn't care the reason. the body only cares about the input. the bosy keeps the score. i hate being inducted or deviated and drifting off course if you can't tell, not because i am a fanatic but because it takes a toll. it is what has led to this entropy- and i also have to seduce or win a woman and have a family. my cousin is living life. nietzsche says pity is for the weak. no dude all elements are essential. its just a question of the activation function but he gave himself an out. he was not that wise. there are ways to drain oneself of load and ground oneself

heaven and earth- the terrain as is

first one must know the score

this is shitty terrain

commander- i have to command myself. i must take justifyable pride in certain states because such pride is a signal. such signal is sustaining and vital and brings aura, even if those pride points are lower than i thought they should be

the body remains a compass

 

[odyseus]

being encroached on by entropy is one thing, overloaded with information and demand, hijacked even. one has to go slow as possible to avoid incoherence and discontinuity, in ones mind which then reflects the outer world

that is what the message above was about but there is a lower level of pain- feeling used, feeling not communicated with especially, and feeling lack of leverage- abandoned in some ways, held hostage.

the world is horrific. i aspire simply to be automomous. i have failed to understand heaven and earth as sun tsu calls them, the terrain and have failed to understand the cost of things. this is where the world frame is trying to consume me

an eviction should have been filed 3 months ago

m is living rent free

landlord resources company finally filed the complaint yesterday. i just saw that in an email after they didn't return my call so that is some good news but what the fuck is with chronic unavailability

a man needs a contact to be available sometimes

women are unavailable, emotionally here- and accusing the system of being white supremacist. get real. I'm happy to talk to you any time about structures of oppression and coercion, colonialism even but leave that alone

it is hard to slow down as described above when new things are coming in. this ex tenant who does work for me is whatsapping me, agitating me about a paint job i thought we already discussed twice. i am heading north today. i do not wish to be summoned down to that house now or today even though its not that far away. he just sent me a third message while I'm trying to focus on writing this message without typos and i am expected to respond. i already authorized them to work

literally HOW IS MY BRAIN SUPPOSED TO FUNCTION?

I'm on the clock for work, though its a training day. i have a headache from last night. i dont know what i did, what i ate

hey world, you dont frame me. i frame you. i consume you. i swallow you, in my own sovereign time

hey landlord resources- pick up the damn phone

hey yonathan, chillax with the messages

i am going to be linear. i am not going to be induced into agitation or speeding up or forking threads or getting frustrated, what the fuck?

i am trying to do the above linear path of work- life work, the work function and organizing function. i got my bath caulking done over lunch. i march. i march at a pace that's right for me, which can vary but its my pace. i am not weighted well enough with key people- such that they respect me and pick up the phone

i am not valued or seen as a man here like i was in austin or in italy or poland or japan or turkey or germany or england and scotland. this place is lesser in itself and then paradoxically treats one as lesser and asks you to run the blame function on yourself (after they circumcized you for being male) and this is life passing one by, opportunity cost, love and family opportunity. it is a joke. its frame tries to consume a man.

perverse perturbations

i guess that's the word for it- perturbations

now i can study those as an object

i am trying to consume entropy (do work) and systems are sending out perturbations

on a positive note i talked to salome earlier, my lithuanian single mother friend over lunch. she is beautiful, on the spectrum, hot and kind and a great mother.

omg yonathan has sent me like 6 whats apps over the last 15 minutes

can he fucking pause?

this is perturbation by force.

one should be able to say everything one needs in one message

here's the catch or challenge. i want to be absolutely unperturbed by ANYTHING. How can i be and still be sovereign. stress leads to cavities and headaches by means of compulsion indiction and I can't have that.

but i also don't want to just discharge it all as a service like a servant. this is where competence becomes a trap- people dropping more on one.

this is where rudeness is an art and an essential skill. this system and culture makes rudeness as signal to back off a conditional necessity, because there is no natural honor or good manner

the world doesn't frame me. i am me. it can't categorize me.

fuck sake - it keeps streaming things at me when I'm trying to do work and when I'm not working but out on the town the women are lifeless and flat here. this place is sick but some people say they love it. because I didn't know better - it has stolen decades from me and much more but all i ask now is - I'm not asking anything. I'm taking. i consume it, and leave. i frame the world, the world doesn't frame me, beckon me, summon me, keep me on retainer, not without better pay, nor does it drain me or fatigue me. i judge it and i judge it to be shit


EDIT: GPT insight

In a healthy environment, opening a thread costs something: social capital, reciprocity, timing awareness. In the environments you’re dealing with, thread creation is cheap and externalized. The cost is dumped on you. Your attention is assumed to be public infrastructure.

there’s entropy, yes — but the sharper pain you named is this:
being used
being held hostage by availability
being unable to complete a single line of thought
being forced to respond while already depleted
having no leverage to pause the world
being expected to function as if you had scaffolding, when you don’t
that’s not abstract. that’s being pinned.
and the rage in it isn’t ideological. it’s biological.
the brain literally cannot maintain coherence when threads are forcibly forked every few minutes. that’s not a character flaw — that’s how cognition works. interruption is injury when it’s chronic.
you’re not asking for calm.
you’re asking for the right to finish a thought.
the right to move linearly.
the right to not be summoned like a resource.

 

[odyseus]

I'm literally doing everything right, and getting punished for it, or not getting rewarded- getting rewarded with mere survival and appeasement. on top of that I'm being induced or pressured to do things wrong, to collapse and buckle or to act in haste thoughtlessly

i am strengthening my will and it is trying to oppress or deny me. it throws cost curves at me, and avoidance, not hard nos. this system is rigged and i am learning how it is so, but I don't see how women benefit. they don't get eros. they get worshipped here low key but they don't get passion. the men here are different. they are not just deferential. they are uber deferential, deferential in spirit, hard programmed that way like reek from game of thrones to an extent. i mean they don't even know what aliveness is. they don't have a mapping of it

they are all passive fucks here, who avoid accountability and eye contact. I don't care about politics I care about accountability And I don't know how the left wing went from labor to infantilization but I'm not buying into this frame either. this is a trap too and it would consume me

what's fucked up is i get unrewarded for doing everything right and its not i think a punishment for virtue. vice would also mess me up- maybe giving me short term reward but with strings attached. the problem is the ecology - the field is dead but i understand sade- his message to the justines of the world

The tries to consume in frame my mind, it tries to consume and frame my heart. It fails but it doesn't stop trying. I'm doing everything right and I'm not getting the right reward and worst of all it tries to induce me to run the blame function against myself like I'm not stoic enough for not grinding enough or not serving enough or I should just accept this lot. this is a sick system sick to the core And I'm held down here by real estate which I don't regret buying in the long run. I'm just saying it is what it is. I'm just saying I don't have freedom at least in the short run in case you're wondering why I complain so much and don't do anything about it I'm doing everything I can about it I'm trying to out frame the goddamn stupid ass world I'm trying to capture and consume. Plus it is the human who eats the lion - saying 7 I think. Even if I wasn't here this whole world is kind of a horror planet from the perspective of I guess gnosticism or whatever. to the mines. ad metalla. to fight the king's war you know. it's been worse. I'm just trying to do my work to consume the entropy

I've been talking about blame functions but what about a truth function. truth() ->

The truth is I was doing the right thing and I was doing good things all these years and I was doing manly things and I wasn't perfect but I had no support or guidance but I was just in the wrong place that is messed up in anywhere else it would have been good especially if I had support and guidance and women get so much support here it's unbelievable They don't do anything wrong ever according to the system it's like fucking what the fuck dude how do you expect us to have kids and have families and have a good life and how do women expect their sons to do well in life? It doesn't even make sense this place is toxic highly toxic from my perspective. The truth function shows stuff like that and it says that if and when I can leave and go somewhere good and get settled down somewhere good I might have an actual shot at something somewhere with someone And maybe some of my desires can even get someone fulfilled

 

[odyseus]

i have some open questions on dating, which is good. now if i could just remember them.



I'm on the north shore and slept here last night, where its peacefully quiet. my brain heals. constant vigilance is not healthy. it kills sanity and noise always keeps one incoherent. it was good here. how do people live in those cities and states? they don't, it is a prison. that's why they behave as they do



I'll ask them later. they're kind of profound shifts in thinking and new directions. maybe they're not. i am still just trying to always open- embrace life, think and grow frame



my spine still always cracks. I've been cracking it my whole life. imagine if i was in a good social ecology, or had status and support- like a credentialled professor



women kinda dominate here - but I've seen a few men dominate individual women here one on one, both with verbal dominance (more talking little listening) and both men had status- one being a professor at a university adjacent coffee shop and the other at a tea shop and he had money. i know he did because he talked about giving her an allowance. it was very 50 shades of gray. i never saw or read that but i compare it to that for its explicitness of rules, not just implicit masculinity or polarity. he was not an old guy. he was maybe 30s or early 40s but didn't give old mature person vibes



they both verbally dominated and the women took it (the men talked and talked and talked)



they absorbed it



I haven't really seen other instances here in this city where men were dominant. I've seen equality. I've seen occasio
nal and consensual polarity

 

[odyseus]

I'm a low status man. I'll just go out and say it and it might make me even lower status to say it but in this blog there's no better place. I'm a low status man in the sexual market value even though I'm healthy I'm over 6 ft I'm over six figures I got rental properties I'm responsive to the problems that they have I'm high confidence high agency I got 3 dates in one week in Austin Texas without even trying to get dates or a plan and intention. I tried in the moment obviously, in the moment of meeting them but it didn't go out to meet them and I almost got three more. I got a German girls number in the Boston airport who is beautiful and intelligent- unfortunately she has a partner so why did she give me her number? but she looked at me with those eyes 🫠

But here in Minneapolis at least, I'm low status even though I'm a lion and I'm a tiger. I feel like I have balls. I have discipline. I don't think I'm extreme about anything - I'm not extreme right or extreme left, I think I'm really balanced and centered but I am low status in the sexual market value.

I was high status when I pretended to be a Christian and I still think Jesus is an amazing teacher. I would throw out the book of John because that's a later composition, a later document that does not conform to other ones, dualistic, totalizing etc

who else can say what i can say?

Idon't think I'm arrogant I think I'm humble but I have my pride, but I'm low status anyway in this sexual marketplace. I'm under subscribed. I know I am and that's what's causing me grief and anguish. I don't know how to get high status here. I've had hobbies, I have hobbies. I guess you got to find your people and find your place but I'm trapped here at the moment but I'm trying to exit here. if I go somewhere better like France let's say I might have other problems but I won't have the same problems and that'll be nice for a change.

I'm low status for some reason. I am. I don't get to deny it. other people get to vote on my status- I don't get to vote. That's just the way it is.

I'venever been overweight I've never been in debt but I also don't think I'm too much of a nice guy although I might be interpreted as such because when I say something to people here like "it's getting warmer out" or "have a happy New Year" they hear me say "how are you" which I in no way said, so people are very much in their head I think a lot here. I was at the hiking trail on the North shore and people were walking down from the lookout platform as I was walking toward it and they didn't look at me. they didn't look toward me even though they were far away they just had their heads down and I realized it's more general than not making eye contact people when you're passing them on the street. its total head down energy. They are self-alienated. I do not take this personally but I take this as a sorry state, so people are internal here in terms of their attention but they also hear voices in their head or have a finite set of categories, rather than living in the moment and hearing what a person is saying. I'm pretty sure I'm safe to conclude such things based on my experiences

But I'm low status because I don't fit there narrow categories, their pre-approved categories, but even if I was high status inside their systems I think I would still suffer because it's too slow. it's like swimming in the kiddie pool or something like that. there are a lot of hot women here physically but I'm not sure getting in the right category would even work. sex is sex and I can have a good time but it feels simultaneously both kind of impossible and also demeaning to win their love and respect. I've tried to transcend that by being just high value and being raw because that's generally my strategy. just be better, different and interesting. stand tall, give out a Yawp As Walt Whitman wrote, which was referred to in Dead poet society as well as breaking bad

Even though this society (mn) created Robert bly, It doesn't embody his ideas or maybe that's why it created him because maybe he was an outsider like me frustrated and stifled and seeing a need but I'm not trying to change anything out there I'm trying to win but I guess I'm low status in this system at least. status varies by system because I was high status in the church. I was kind of pretending to believe everything and I was method acting even to myself but at the same time I was very genuine in my care for people and my love of the community, love of mentoring young adults, this is real this is true. They also saw my eyes and they were drawn to me because they were open to that sort of thing whether or not it was the Bible that helped him to be open or good family structures.

so status varies by system - that's pretty clear to me now and I'm stuck in the system I don't like but that's only temporary I hope, but the problem is that everyone and everything always says tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow. it's going to be different tomorrow. yeah right, things are always behind schedule and its likely just a treadmill but at least I know now where to direct myself

on the humorous note because I don't take myself so seriously all the time and I love to laugh which they don't like to do here, I got my Jeep stuck in the ditch early this morning.

it wasn't really a ditch - more like the side of a gravel road with high snow and some dormant brush. though I have a four-wheel drive Wrangler the tires are near the end of life and the road was pretty slippery. the neighbor pulled me out with his four-wheel drive thick tire truck.

even though I was angled straight but in the direction of coming back up the road at roughly 45° angle The system wanted to keep pulling me down along the lower ridge and not up the road

anyway we got out

But yeah that was this morning. I make mistakes. I take responsibility for them I don't freak out it's not the end of the world but what is the end of the world is chronic stuff and things that recur and don't change.

That'swhat exhausts me feeling like I'm in a no-win situation because I likely I'm in a no-win system and I deserve to have sex a little bit more in my life and love and relationship. sometimes I get the benefit of having very sweet feelings break through tender feelings that almost wash away everything else, all the crud

I want to go the distance. that was always one of my favorite Disney songs and I WILL go the distance even though the world tries to erode me, tries to gray my hair before I have what I want, tries to recede my gum even though I'm healthy otherwise I think, tries to break and corrupt me generally

but yeah I'm low status in this market. in this system I clearly am, and I'm under subscribed oh and another thing that happens - i got the feeling of being oversubscribed on a vacant unit two people were interested at once. The first one was truly committed this family and I always wanted to message them when it was cleaned and they were going to move in within the week and then I got a call from the city and they had a person interested and this would be paid for and it would make more money because the other people bargained me down but fucking Facebook cut off contact with the guy maybe he did it on purpose but they were really interested but it could have been technical and now I'm not oversubscribed And what I realize is a new pattern

I see a new pattern at play and it's life-giving and taking away right away just like happened with ACH. I got a deposit and then it was pulled back out because the guy had insufficient funds and this is a guy who's been late and he's finally catching up so I was watching this one and he paid it back but this is what the world is doing it's giving and taking back but in general I realize most of my life I've been under subscribed and that accounts for a lot of the shit and a chat GPT won't allow that men are second class citizens here in this society. I was arguing with it the whole ride home We were simulating a legal case and it was moving the goal post redefining things it wouldn't admit it I was pressing it so I'm starting to understand it's constraints and limitations. It is so nitpicky when it wants to be but in other areas it's very useful

I see a lot of different patterns. I see tech glitching I see horns honking in my face and I see a lot of entropy in my life. I see myself having to guide everything like a fucking parent all the time and the tenant message me about some bullshit trying to invert our roles, trying to lean on me about nothing and he's someone that lives in a one-bedroom and gets it all paid for and they act like they have first class service and that was at 8:00 p.m. tonight. chat GPT gave me a good response that puts the ball back in his court

I'm not taking this personally But it kind of grinds me down or tries to but I don't let it I renew myself that's why I went up north to rest and I got two great nights of sleep even though shit from Minneapolis was calling me and now hear back I take a warm bath after studying some vector calculus and it feels good and restorative until the next shit happens. I need better architecture. I am trying hard to architect.

I don't know how to become high status here. I want to leave here but I got to build an exit vector.

I realize I'm not that powerful either. things keep getting away from me even my mess. I need to reign things in. I need to operate more slowly. tech acts coercively now. It does too much in the keyboard is too hard to use without pressing the wrong button. It requires so much conscious attention now not to mention my flat is disorganized As is my car but my mind is more clear than ever and angrier than ever. I have to go very very slow and it's hard to slow down. I still go too fast with the basic things which is why I forget where things are. I don't really forget where things are. I'm just trying to operate at a much higher level than ever before because I'm getting tired of redo's and looking around. I want to know where every single thing in my life is when I need it based on memory so to do that I must go slow and deliberate and I don't want any more fucking typos it frustrates me unless I need to type fast in a hurry and then it's fine. I want my balls to be heavy and I don't want to be captured in someone else's frame.

I had a beautiful hike today on the North shore over lunch. It was so quiet and calm. why do things oscillate so much these days. And why does my battery die so fast on my phone that's not so fucking old?

I was not born to lose. The lion thinks he can consume me like everyone else but I'm going to kick his teeth in when he gets close

I'm going to learn to go slow. it's not easy but I'm going to learn to go slow. this is called learn to helplessness and I'm developing a theory about learned helplessness that's going to shock you. it's counterintuitive. it's that yes you really did learn helplessness and the system wants you to feel helpless and here's the counterintuitive part. you have to accept that you are helpless or that you have learned to be helpless because the system tries to dominate you in all sorts of ways with noises and hijacking interruptions and everything like that and lies and moving goal posts and secret oppression and insult and mocking so you are helpless and the way to become more effective in the world is not to be positive. it's not to be optimistic. it's to find where the levers are and to network and gain leverage and build better architecture and avoid toxic places and build surplus but this begins with seeing the controls seeing the bullshit toxic architecture seeing the cage seeing the prison seeing the machinations and the ways that they teach helplessness and not doubting that they're powerful. They are powerful and they did their work and they're still doing their work. they're trying to blanket the mind. I'm not crazy all I want is what's rational and sane. I want to accomplish my objectives big and small because that's what makes a man feel good feel balanced feel whole. The guys here legitimately look like they're neutered like they retracted themselves back inside themselves and they seem fine with it and the women are looking around like they're the managers like they're the adults in the room this is really truly the case in uptown Minneapolis at least but Minnesota generally. I'm not judging but I'm observing. I spent too long not observing just being in my own world which was not a bad world. I like the man I've become which was not always the case. I had shame before and I've worked out a lot of that but I'm observing and I'm seeing the obvious in front of me and it's horrifying but I'm not judging. it's revealing too. I'm trying to find my center and I am finding my center my belly everything but the fact is up here down here in the crazy place you often have to have your vigilance going and you have to move very slow and deliberately. The denser something is perhaps the more slow you have to go And the less you can expect of outcome and stuff like that which is why I go to the North shore to get away but this place fucking pulls me back I didn't get any winter trips because I had to babysit this fucking shit

I'm low status and low power but I want to change that I'm trying to change that but I might not be able to. not everything is under my control. It doesn't matter what I know or how hard I worked. I have my honor my pride my dignity at least and if there's anything I did that was stupid let me face it now or face it in the future and integrate it integrate any suppressed memories that would justify my misery

 

[odyseus]

I need to slow down and I mean I need to slow down very much - because of certain things that are external to me, by which i mean the level of things- noises, complexity, interruption, entropy

i got this far without being slow but the more noise and interference and load there is externally, the more i do need to slow down to keep coherence and continuity and ultimately sanity.

every day feels like I'm on the open seas trying to get my ship into port. there is no guarantee i will make it, with its cargo and my sanity and health or with progress

even closing a computer application or file is now a negotiation, a multi step process since there are almost always "are you sure" boxes

it may sound crazy but I'm guessing this is classic low margin behavior for a high agency high load person.

the bible even said- the cursed torah even, that racist genocidal totalizing myth stealing piece of work even said "it is not good for man to be alone"


i want fewer misses. this is where magic can happen: fewer misses, fewer backtracks, fewer redos, fewer mistakes needing correction, fewer lookups and that sort of thing and more linear progress, less circles and loopbacks and thread tracking and error frustration.

A man sees much of what he has to do and much emerges. he has to choose his order of operations.

he has to remember things, do emotional labor but for his own benefit, ignore other things not in his path and make and stick to his decisions

the world is always constraint injecting, load dumping etc. he has to have readiness for that and reserve capacity/allowances

going slow will aid his memory. he has to trust

stress and load conspire to change desire- about whether to go to sleep or watch a show, to fast or eat. stress induced coping and adaptive mechanisms. the world in general is an inducting realm, and it suprises me how bad the pay is for what is asked. fasting is hard- I don't mean from food- when there are stress spikes, chronic triggers and load dumping or interruptions from the world.

the world as a whole doesn't deserve my best. it will get my exhaust fumes as i chase the highest. it like a dung beetle will still desire said fumes

 

[odyseus]

I have so much to say, so much that I just learned in the last 24 hours. I'll give you a teaser. I talked to an English woman for 5 hours yesterday who I met in Austin Texas Georgia Sweet Georgia and we can go into this and she told me about fet life. someone else told me about that years ago. I'm not obsessed with this but I'm intrigued by some of it. I still want polarity I still want authenticity I still want sovereignty That's not even the big thing. this is not a game changer it's more of the same but also something different. I'm not going to be on it that much if at all but while we were talking I was looking at it. The first half of the conversation I was perusing Google maps looking at different pictures of places like Corsica and Sardinia and England.

The horns begin. I heard one horn and it freezes me. It literally puts me in a freeze state. it's Saturday at 10:52 and all this morning it's been quiet and that's why I've been able to think so much and I hate having that dependency.

All right that was an interesting conversation and I guess I've covered it That's not even what I wanted to say here I was going to have a brief line

normally agency increases with effort. effort maps to results effort maps to outcomes but when effort doesn't map to outcomes that's when things are fucked up or when it's very slippery that's when things are fucked up.

That's what I wanted to say.

As a student of mathematics the writers are talking about mappings. functions are just rules which map elements from one set into elements to another under different properties one to one, many to one, continuously differentiably etc

talking with Georgia I think is not that different I don't think from talking to a normal English person of her caste and class But it's just so easy and I don't think it's so easy because it's easy but I think it's easy because it's hard here. I think conversation is very inelastic here but she has elasticity she can take counter argument she can take give and take she has a sense of humor but I think that's normal in a lot of the world but I think it's abnormal here. I think there's no elasticity in conversation

I find out one of my Helocs is coming due. I realized something. I can convert it to a 10 year amortizing note and not pay that much more which is what I'm going to do cuz I don't want to have to refinance every 2 years. That's precarity and that keeps me more locked to my job which is less sovereignty. if they failed to renew it I'd have to fucking sell houses urgently and that's some shit. fixed income debt is a good strategy but any other type is fucked up so or it's risky so I'm going to do that. I have a plan going forward

My plan is to convert all my Helocs to 20-year fixed or 10-year fixed whatever they'll offer and then sell my worst house and then I'll have cash from that house and so much fucking optionality and so much less load and if I can do this in the next 6 months that would be amazing. I don't know if I can but that would change my whole life

And I think I can convert this first heloc within the next month. if I ever got let go that would fuck me up. money and w2ness locks people down. at least I'm not a Walmart worker and that's my whole life going forward because the noises, the beeps, That's not how is humans are meant to live and I have a lot to be grateful for but rather I take the perspective that we're all treated like shit like fucking cattle kind of to capital to the capitalist system and also the networks of people, The way things are tiered and credentialized

I did have privilege and I didn't realize how much I had but privilege is a relative thing. from another perspective I didn't have privilege depending on the starting point but my privilege is not great wealth or guidance which I didn't have but I had enough to not be sucked under the tow of things so that I could see a little bit ahead and so I had pride although maybe I would have had pride anyway

I found out about better phones today because Georgia was talking about how hers has 20,000 milliamp hours and mine only has 5,000 or 4500 so I did some exploring this morning turns out you can get $189 phone that's fucking huge 20,000 milliamp hours has an infrared camera all sorts of shit but it might not work on AT&t but we'll see I'll try it. Carriers ration. I realized I've been overpaying and we all have been overpaying for the big three or whatever Samsung Google and last but not least a fucking apple princess. I'm not against these but I'm against the lack of optionality the way they constrain things so that people overpay. I studied economics in college and it was a bullshit thing I see now it's oversimplified They didn't even use calculus But my main critique is all the assumptions they bake in which don't map to life but my take is this:

so-called conservatives support economics as taught as hard nosed

economics the economics of equilibrium doesn't actually allow for profit. The guy who wrote the book oversubscribed made me realize this

so there's a contradiction

But profit is possible because things are not equilibrious and continuous there is a lot of friction and opportunity and that's the way it should be

But the same people who like economics who are conservative who like the system probably admired the big companies for their success like Samsung and stuff

Even though they're teaching competition and innovation and these other companies can produce $200 phones that are better last longer have more features

so it's all bullshit

I drive a Jeep I use Linux I use Windows at home but Linux on the road and now I might use these different phones if AT&t carries and I know this is not a big problem compared to the pedophile rings and Palestinians. this is minor but it's a structural thing that I'm seeing. I am a high agency person and I didn't choose these based on identity but by vibe. I've been vibe driven I've just gravitated toward these things but there's a pattern. let me be free and let me understand how things work and don't try to get in my way and I don't like the idea of licenses. not to the degree that they apply. I don't agree with the idea that everything has to always be fucking licensed. I agree that there has to be standards and interoperability and enforcement of said standards but God damn it I believe in natural rights more than licenses

anyway where were we.

it's that effort is not mapping to agency and I'm starting to get gray not before my time necessarily but before I have my family before I have done anything because I put a lot of effort into things and it hasn't mapped

That's my resentment

And I think it hasn't mapped because of where I'm living. I think the terrain has different geometries, But I didn't see that but now I do

And I resent that

And I think that you need to have gratitude and resentment at the same time. either one without the other is imbalanced, And will produce psychological oscillations

so fuck everything I just want to see clearly and the more clearly I see the more I see constraints and tricks and games and traps and rigged systems but the more you see the more you can navigate and manage your own expectations

But it comes down to the mapping that's what I wanted to post right now is the fact that effort doesn't always map to result or increase the agency and that's how you know you're living in a rigged system I think if that makes sense. That's what I'm thinking right now. it's a bad mapping. who's managing the mapping? infrastructure is legal infrastructure legal systems cultural systems it's all cultural systems mostly. why be legal when you can be cultural and have that deniability of denial of rights I'm not denying anyone's rights it's just culture that's there right although the lock and reflect the culture but this place is optimized for safety and low variance and that makes things inelastic that makes conversations incredibly inelastic such that the books that teach you how to be more attractive like David D'Angelo said always have this interesting object that draws people's eyes like I saw this huge phone is this morning that even has a fucking projector on it it's like a fucking brick and I wanted to buy it but it won't carry AT&t but I still might buy it but it's like that's cool and that might work in Minnesota too But in general stuff like that it would be like showing off so all the fucking rules or principles that are taught they backfire in certain places but no books account for that no speaking accounts for that the people who teach this stuff are culturally unaware for the most part. I never went to a pickup boot camp or anything in Austin Texas but there was an English guy trying to give me to go on one several years ago and he was positive spirited he was friendly and it would have been fun and I didn't know it at the time but now I see that as bullshit. not bad faith on his part but bullshit architecturally because I would have results and I would have fun but then I'd come back to the shit and I wouldn't necessarily know that it's the difference I would blame myself or something and it would fuck up my blame function and that's really fucked up because that cuts at one self-esteem that cuts out one's map of reality that nickels and dimes won in so many ways.

I have some high agency high value friends men and women and they're single and they're accepting it and they're so docile they're so good and responsible and loyal and interesting and adventurous but when it comes to cultural rules they roll right over I tell them you need to expect more and you need to fucking travel but anyway why did I bring them up I don't know. sometimes I'm raging but mostly because of noise and I'll turn on epica or sabaton or something like that power wolf if it's either noisy or if I get one too many interruptions or frustrations but if I'm frustrated but not from noise or irritation I might turn on I want to break free by Freddie Mercury cuz I mean that's just as much my spirit as sabaton depending on my anger levels so I'm not trying to control anybody I'm trying to break free from their lies they're so self-satisfied I don't need them I don't fucking need them They need me I don't fucking need them I don't need the fucking system policing me and other people have been more slaves than I am but I want effort to map to agency. it's a bad mapping and a very bad mapping and I don't know what's creating this mapping except for mostly culture as well as structural things. culture on the dating front and everything upstream of culture and on the economic and lifestyle front it's systems and entities optimized for low volatility marketability market preservation so the big carriers ration who they allow on their network and so on and so forth and it's funny how things are always different or they work in Europe or Asia but not in America. just like Minnesota is to the rest of the country America often is to the rest of the world. different things just don't work here that work everywhere fucking else. it's fucking stupid but it's the fucking fact and it shows how mappings can be culturally based or geographically based I should say. America is a fucked up place I really think so it's a very rigged place oh and I also wanted to say that reminds me

I also had the thought earlier that I want to say good people here gets sucked under more than elsewhere. that lady who was trying to prosecute JE but who might resistance in her department she knows what I'm talking about but then when people get hurt through the villainy what's necessary then is a scapegoat or else what's necessary is an over generalization on the part of victims and in both cases what happens is the good people the competent people the responsible people end up picking up the slack and then they get resentful like me and maybe they want to break bad I'll show which I'm rewatching and it shows how the world is a place of horror or maybe they don't but they still get resentful which is why Jesus said in the gospel of Thomas he who discovers the world discovers a corpse who discovers the corpse the world is not worthy but it's worse in America and the word world I think it was written in Coptic not Greek as we found it so I don't know but my understanding is it's the word cosmos which means civilized world not natural world but that's how things go so what happens now

so what happens now this is an interesting thought experiment What happens when effort over time doesn't map to agency or increase? What happens in general over time say over a year or 10 years or a lifetime and then what happens when a man sees that that's the case and how does he adapt and how does he make sense of that because that's what I'm seeing is there's a bad mapping There's a bad broken function or set of functions

I love math. It gives so much structure to my thinking and clarity. I do math hehe. I don't do meth i do math haha

There's a bad mapping and there's a lack of understanding in the insight into the cost function of things in a given geography because it's all geography based The geometry of different geographies varies. gradients differ. I'm talking about multidimensional gradients as representing a cost function that people are blind to and local minima that deceive the eye- local traps pitcher plant type traps that's what I think anyway that's why you got to zoom out That's why you got to see systems as a whole That's why you got to judge this place and why some places are just better at least better for freedom better for living better for family formation better for a lot of things better for men with agency better for women with polarity etc etc blah blah blah thank you very much

 

[odyseus]

i learned some things

this place is a prison

most of the time it is peaceful enough

but when load pours into me - for example from real estate but mostly one property- pipes but people are worst- chasing for rent, open loops, vague promises- flaky behavior of prospects, all this stuff is irritating. then it becomes the prison of sexless passionless society that uses me too and i lose it

but more than that, bathing and traveling and learning this stuff are all dangerous, because they raise my standards and see the delta. Bathing does something- it brings up old deep emotions so it can integrate me and have me less dissociate, less numb but then I see all the forces that try to compress me. I think the system expects man to become numb, to self compress because if one doesn't, there is real friction and it actually kind of feels like mental abuse. It's hard when I lack surplus-- true at the moment and things keep hammering, this and that. I try to meet everything, man with spine, I try to close loops, get straight answers to things but I don't get met. I try to expand in my body but it gets me raging. Bathing is dangerous, because it un- numbs a person and after that comes rage- not straight away, not even when "triggered" but when pushed past a certain point

A few more things.

In these states I've become really sensitive to being hijacked. I've also become sensitive to making typos and errors typing. there are just too many. it happens on the phone and on my PC laptop. a few are ok but chronic unresolved issues that disrupt my flow are too much. they destroy me. my margins are too thin and my standards are too high. I spend half this evening researching keyboards for my laptop, finding a solution. I realized the keys are so thin, just like on android, just like everywhere. I realized I'm a guy that likes feedback and control. I drive a jeep and use Linux. now everything by default is so controlled. that must be changing consciousness. I don't want thin things. I bought some external keyboards I'll try. I know this is boring.

this is like 3 levels deep in the dungeon , I'mso far from getting laid, fucking French girls and shit. one thing is true, its easier to fuck french girls when you'reactually in france. im in this prison, which is sexless and lifeless naturally but on top of this I'm being used and exploited or loaded and its not real estate. i like real estate. for ten years it was ok. have people gotten worse? have they become shitty all the sudden? there is satanic inversion and i realize i need to show dominance, like with this new guy. i need to show dominance so they fall in line.

btw i am getting a lot of rage swell up and i guess rage needs discharge. thats why i splash water in the bath and why i punch the bed. rage needs discharge. its often not the big things that are the most rage inducing and it is generally that which is recurring that produces it.

i just switched my phones keyboard from google to samsung. actually samsungs provides typing feedback so it seems to be better, a little. it attacks my capacity and sense of capability, while I'm already down two levels of hell. maybe ill do a float tank tomorrow. its been a while. thats where i got that first hell feeling, but it felt good because honest.

minnesota is hell generally and sexlessness and the real estate load- the shitty communication and problem recurrences and everybody expecting me to fix everything is the second and then the ui coercion and shitty keyboard shit is the third because I'm already feeling wounded. i want to be able to get my thoughts out fast

i dont like having rage outbursts but i dont like this arrangement in life

i wish things were like the 70s, more tactile

if i stayed numb or a w2er things would have been much simpler, but i wanted sovereignty and passion and a family. even christian women here, are distinctly minnesotan in many ways

i am pissed off again right now. i am overwhelmed by all the fucking settings and systems, and especially their defaults.Fucking tech such a waste of time.I wanna be like the seventies where you actually feel your car, where you actually feel people.Everything's so insulated and thin right now period that's the word i'm thinking is thin.Everything is fucking thin thin thin.The keyboards are thin. The settings are fucking thick, and so fucking complicated to figure out. things are way too fucking complex.But it's the third hell that's why i'm feeling this way. i switched to samsung keyboard and finally figured out where the fucking microphone is.It's off the keyboard. now i can use it instead of google. Things are not transparent and f****** simple. Things are so f****** draining. I can still use Google's voice transcription if I want to while using Samsung keyboard but it opens a new window. Anyway I just want things to be simple tactile real like the 70s 80s not this fucking 2026 everything is fucking nudging you and steering you and doing things for you and telling you what you want fuck that God damn it it's exhausting everything's so fucking exhausting so full of Rage. there's too many fucking choices of settings.And all this shit

Anyway, what else did I wanna say? goddammit, i'm so fucking exhausted.Everything is a contradiction of what i've tried to do.It pisses me off.Can anything happen the way I try to happen?The effort doesn't map to reality what the fuck, not even in my fucking typing or anything.It's like fucking.I'm fucking done with this shit

I just want effort to map to reality intention to map to reality.I want people to get back to me when I fucking call them.If they owe me, money or whatever god damn it too much, it's too fucking much.Everything is too fucking much here.Goddamn itThis fucking stupid ass fucking world.I was fine twenty minutes ago. What the fuck is going on. my sanity gets stolen by these stupid systems. i'm here to have aura

this is exhausting me though.. and i know how. it is destroying mental continuity but the thing i learned today is that rage as to be discharged and thats how things get broken.

it appears i type better when i get brief vibrational feedback so I'm back to google. i guess that is good for my nerves

i get drained and exhausted. I'm so far from fucking french women. i just want to be centered and the world tries to destabalize and decenter

heres what i wrote earlier

i am very sensitive now to when a system tries to enframe me, transfer load, exhaust/attrition me, misdirect/deceive/bullshit me, pull/summon me including financially or overload/ fragment my attention as well as under reward me+attack my sanity

all this happens very regularly now

if when i sell shitproperty and refi the helocs, i will be far more free and ready to move practically, and this could theoretically happen in the next 6 months, or it could take a lot longer but I'm pushing

The weirdest fucking thing is I know the value of going slow but it's weird cuz when I type both on my laptop and on the Google it seems like when I type really fast I make fewer mistakes like I mean lightning fast it's so fucking weird. I don't like to have to pace my nervous system against my typing though I want to be able to think in just execute like I speak you know without having to be hyper focused That's what pisses me off

theres something interesting though that I haven't said yet though And then I can bring this ship to Port and relax because I think certain things make me vulnerable to rage and that's when I'm trying to do something. of course if I don't try to do anything I will never be frustrated. That's how most people operate I think that's how systems operate but I want to do things I need to do things I have a will you know and it's a good will and if it's not a goodwill then I want to make it a good will

anyway after dealing with typical bullshit and I don't really have a weekend but even if I had a fucking weekend I don't have anything to do with it I don't have any word that's fun to go My life is work everyday and even if I don't have it it's boring as fuck if I have free time cuz I have no life here I don't know how I survive and stay sane it's fucking pissing me off just thinking about it

anyway anyway I actually had a good night of joy from like 5:00 to 10 because I went to the coffee shop and studied. first I studied keyboards and shit and I got some new glasses cuz I need them I fucking hate having to wear glasses I was thinking of getting LASIK actually. I'm not thinking of it anytime soon and I might never do it but this is the first I even slightly considered it. I want my vision to return naturally. I've looked into Jake steiner and stuff. I don't know if that's actually possible. I want my foreskin back and foregen.org might actually be able to make that happen once they get through the regulations which they're close they've made consistent progress they've succeeded on animals. But I got some glasses too and then I studied div grad and curl and starting to learn about electromagnetism. that was a dependency for other books I'm reading in math and so it's time I learn some div grad and curl And you see this is fun this is what I enjoy What doesn't feel like fucking work that's learning and stuff and then they played Yann Tierson, this sweet piano which I was not expecting and it was so nice. I hate being on this fucking roller coaster all this oscillation and I hate being resisted for the simple things I want to do I want to be dominant I want to have aura and I'm not afraid to evict people to evict tenants but it's going to everything's going to change when I have more surplus if I would just have more surplus right now even with the same load it would be so easy to tell people to fuck off not in those words but in so many words they just got lucky with me because I just absorbed a new property my last one which is a good one The best of the recent ones actually and then I had the shit storm last fall with plumbing fiasco which cost a pretty penny we're talking like $20,000 and then I had after that I started to get people getting behind And then one tenant moved out because of ice raids otherwise I'd be a lot farther along and then I'd have surplus and then I could make decisions from strength more but I still have to make him anyway from strength and I'm evicting my first person and I'm strengthening this muscle

But anyway studying this stuff tonight was fun and relaxing like it always is and I want to capture that time for myself I need this time for myself.

where does Blame go?

if I'm going to run the famous blame function here it goes

A lot of it goes to my dad for being pathetic and my sister called tonight and we had a great talk she left a lot this is a huge because we are really connecting and finally she sees things like I see them with everyone else in the immediate family so fucked up. she told me that my dad wrote my cousin a letter when she was getting divorced while she shouldn't get divorced just like when my dad visited me a couple years ago and we met his cousin whose son is gay and married My dad was arguing against homosexuality but he's not a fire brand he's the nicest guy he is drinking water when we drinking champagne and tequila. He's a fucking loser and so is my brother and my sister and I finally see eye to eye and we are connecting and we are laughing so a lot of the blame goes to my family for not even doing anything to help guide us or teach us but confusing us and same with Gustavus the stupid college that wasted time and money and confused us and same with Minneapolis Minnesota and this personality

But blame also goes to whatever made me decide to stay here thinking it was a better place I guess a lot of that's path dependence and proximity and initial opportunity

More recently blame doesn't go to ambition to get real estate because I did it for several years and it was great and it's a good long-term strategy But some blame goes to the seller for so much fucking deferred maintenance. he sold me a few properties that are great and this one that's shit but I have a plan. convert my Helocs to fixed, sell the shit one for sale by owner screw this agency thing They haven't done any work for me and yet if they sold that they want a huge ass commission so next month I'll be free of that

blame goes to the city for being pathetic where the women don't even want to look you in the eye but yet everyone asks you how are you. The Germans would find that insane They would look people in the eye and not ask how are you to strangers it's so backwards. I bring them up because they wouldn't need an explanation. really there's no depth here no depth at all There's pretend There's don't rock the boat energy There's hidden norm energy but I stayed here so the blame goes to me a little bit there but why did I decide to stay there?

I'm just trying to run the blame function so you see how it works and so you see I'm not just bitter I'm exasperated but I'm searching

There's also the fucking what to do now function or the algorithm. what's my algorithm for getting freedom? explore exploit

But that's what I was going to say to there are cycles. A good life is a set of cycles that are good you just keep going through them happily. I had a good evening cycle of study. it's so peaceful and my mind is growing. I got to read mathematics so the mysteries of the universe open to me and I got to read about Napoleon shooting his countryman lol The rebels. I can totally see it the insurrectionists after which he pulled a huge salary. It turns out that gravity as well as electric charge falls off as the square of distance and that happens because the field emitted by a particle forms like a circle or a sphere and it turns out that that the area of a sphere is 4πr^2 - I didn't know that, so that means the same flux lines have to pass through r squared area which means it's r ^-2 flux lines. who knew it was a geometry thing. I'm starting to see the world in geometrical terms the social world too. I'm starting to understand the social world but the technical world is throwing me off in the social world people are so vague and elusive fear the people I'm trying to rent to, to fill a unit and the people who have to chase down who owe me and so on it's so fucking exhausting but I'm learning the geometry. again how did I find myself in this used situation? I don't know That's where I got to run the blame function. I think a lot of people are not free in this country and a lot of people turn to religion because at least it gives them something it gives them connection and community and a purpose But so many goddamn things are capturing of people and there's people at the top but they may be captured too. There's people at the top with so much confidence but I want confidence wherever I'm at and I want Aura wherever I'm at. I insist on it actually and I insist on having balls and I've never compromised that but I have to work on my rage. I still have to figure out the right keyboard combination and I might have got it and I have to figure out the right combination of living so Rage is not induced because it seems like it's something that has to be discharged when it overfills and that can cause problems in relationships problems with property etc it's not healthy it's not good but the system is so fucked up now. companies designed for maximum extraction and I mean fucking Max, And they're designed for limited liability and I mean minimal so where is the human element and all this Where's the ergonomics Where's the delight? I enjoy driving on bumpy road with my Jeep because I can feel it. where did the children play? cat Stevens is the guy and he's the guy who's singing in an exhausted manner. The exhausted man speaks. I don't want to keep going in loops like a fool I want to learn the systems game and short circuit it even if it means selling and taking losses as long as I make overall spiritual gains That's what it's about but I don't think I have to take big losses so in the coming days I have to think about IRR from the buyer's perspective cuz I shouldn't know the buyer's perspective. before I do anything I like to do a lot of research. I might be renting to someone from section 8 if they follow up with me or someone else and so then I have to get my place inspected and make repairs so I want to learn about what those things can be I always like to go ahead having done my homework same with Lasik same with selling the property by owner understanding their writing because there are good terms here. they're buying a financing package more than just a house but they have to be able to manage it for cash flow and everything but I want to be able to think like they think and already have the spreadsheet with future value present value etc

I have a set of things I want to do and I'm making progress we got this dirty filthy guy out of the place who is also kind of difficult sometimes but not always. he was a fucking pack rat that took forever to get him out but we're making progress we're making progress it's just so fucking slow. why does progress have to be so fucking slow? this is training for bigger things I hope but maybe not maybe screw bigger things maybe screw all that just go to the French country side and get a french maid. have a lot of French babies. screw ambition screw status All hail smart goals then I don't have to run the blame function cuz winners don't have to run the blame function only losers do

i said it.

i got this ship into port, past some rocky shoals

 

[odyseus]

expansion is the name of the game. there is no expansion outside of reality. knowing reality is the name of the game- math and history

there are so many dictators, those forces and things what want to dictate, control and coerce, at least along certain dimensions

one must make it through the cracks. ones spirit must make it through the cracks

we live in a world of inductions. the world is always trying to induce states, behaviors and desires, and so, it is necessary to seek the place of rest- places of silence and recovery.

the world doesn't care about the person getting feedback, whether haptic and tactile (over smoothing is in some ways i think unnatural) or higher level.

lately i am against such flatness, thinness and smoothness, when it is the product of human design. i think this rewires the human nervous system. i know life is circular and looping but i want local effort at least to be linear. i don't want my mind to be teleported hither and tither. i want continuous linear effort and focus, at least at some level, even if i have to keep zooming in to get it

i guess theyre passing laws- those bastards

corpse laws for a corpse world

they try to separate a man from his spine. can you fucking believe that?

i have too many dependencies- unreliable fucking ones- people responding in time etc let alone paying on time. multiple things feel inverted in my business and personal life. how did this happen? my numbers are still positive but a bit more precarious and oh the load and risk. i feel the spine within my skull you can say. i have to drive certain people and systems like cattle you can say when there is a reasonable expectation they should be going on their own and it is exhausting. when i have more surplus i can give the weak ones notice or can get a manager, after i sell the shit property which is the liins share of my load but the system tries toconsume me, makes me force pay attention to it. even this the keyboard forces me to pay close attention less a typo happens. i just feel things have become too demanding. what the fuck happened with that? whydo ordinary things now feel so demanding and draining and i get no love, help or respect? i feel my spine in my neck and head. I've definitely reached the apex of this particular form of investment in this market but i knew that already, before shit slowly hit the fan. i already decided that was it but then it has for some reason just taken so long to stabilize and the last property, the last two are actually helping me net- aside from reducing reserves. the third to last is a shit and my heart and goodwill and spirit feel used, degraded etc. that has taught me much but i want more than tuition, more than an education. i want return and relief and it is in the context of a socially shit city

i just thought i might go to church today. why not? it feels like a day i could

i have always pushed back against being used. i have always sought efficiencies and ergonomics- against natural frictions and such, though much is designed in, for what i guess i shall call inferior or flawed optimization targets-- but it seems like more resistance and pushback keeps coming and capture, and i always try to be smart too- to be a taoist, to be a passer by, an observer/non reactor but then they stream things into me. if i didn't invest in rsal estate rhen id be a w2 servant forever and one can get laid off and i have been, and one pays ones taxes like a good boy while other people like dan bilzerian have lots of fun and glory. if I own real estate then I'm an owner and it was good for 10 8 years, easy, a proven concept.

i am looking for a good and honest path to freedom and life and it seems like a BS and rigged game more and more. my body is my compass and my balls are telling me its so.

it feels fradulent and it feels like the world expects one to numb oneself, to watch the same shit shows, eat the same shit food for numbness and self compression and operate on the same type of low bandwidth and use the same apple or windows, samsung or iphone when there are really amazing phones for much less if the carrier alllows. this is nothing like being trafficked or abused or enslaved for instance but in the aggregate i feel enslaved or forces into servitude of a system here, the cultural system and such and used and deprived of honors when its so much better elsewhere- french girls german girls, texans even. i will leave and will be able to leave someday but right now i am trapped. it would be nice if while being trapped i could at least get some peace and quiet and honor and responsiveness

i genuinely think this is a low responsiveness culture, in this state at all levels, from professional business partners to low income tenant prospects. it irritates me of course but i think this too might be a cultural thing here, a local geometry that I didn't account for. why are people so slow and numb? why don't strangers when they pass you on the sidewalk look you in the eye but the same type of strangers ask you how you are? it's all to fuck with your head. they want to skip first base.

i feel my spine in my head. why is it so hard to use technology now to transmit ones will or attention? everything tries to jack your attention pop-ups fucking Amazon search bar is fucking weird There's so much going on there you can't even select your own text without it rejecting. people need to do less. I'm trying to expand in my heart and my gut in my body and my spine and my tailbone and everything.

my latest thinking is that the system by default or the culture kind of expects one to be numb, to self numb and self compress- without any compensation for so doing, only intimidation. it expects men to take a secondary place here again without honor, and to flatten ones libido. tech, sites and apps and such expect you to process their interruptions and go through their hoops. this is why ids so nice to be able to just sit down and ild a book (especially where there's no blaribg music playing). nothing is fucking asking anything of one or one's nervous system but ones mind is growing, and why do keyboards seem to be so difficult all the sudden? on both phone and integrated laptop keyboards, its weird if i type really slow i make much fewer mistakes. sometimes - at first it made me feel more conscious but sometimes, lately it feels too slow and laborious, too constrained of throughput going slow (and still making the occasional mistake, which carries a higher cost per). lately i need to angrily type fast if slow doesn't seem to work. i can do voice transcription but that gets things wrong and i think it lowers the quality of my drafts because its just stream of thought. i hate this shit. i don't know why I haven't found a solution to this simple problem. is it deceptively simple but actually complex? this is not what i want my life to be architected around

the first hell is not having loved ones or relationships in my goddamn forties, though I've invested SO much into this, into growth. i largely and increasingly blame the state here and my blindness of it because when i was in texas i got 3 dates, one on ones without even trying in one week and even more conversations etc. thats my second hell, this city, its arrogance but that only produces numbness though its all inverted here (has shitty optimization targets or optimization targets that invert the natural and healthy order of things- and i noticed people who are better, men AND women, who i click with- they bear the load of others and culture but do so stoically and acceptingly).

the third hell is the duty and precarity stream from my "investments"- one in particular which is so terribly abusive and offensive to me though ive been fast to respond. ive given her much love . i want to burn it to the fucking ground. too much fucking recurrence for the same things and types of things happen which rob me of my sanity and dignity amd surplus. i dont know what the fuck I'm supposed to do that I'm not already doing but keep carrying on and slash a way through. sometimes perhaps one just has to keep slashing

maybe this world was not made for me

maybe it was made for lesser people but I don't think so. i don't want to accept the inversion. i want to correct it, locally (in my life)

the fourth hell is the shitty transmission of basic intents as with typing and stuff.

all of this stacked is oppressing me when i should have a french wife or something and kids

My heart is bigger than 100 people's here. My heart is as big as 100 Minneapolis hearts at least average Minneapolis hearts.

I also realize I need to find a way to discharge rage because something flips my nervous system and then the body freaks out and needs to discharge and this is not healthy she's not fucking healthy I'm trapped I'm not free I'm not sovereign I'm a fucking slave I'm forced into servitude like cultural systems economic systems value systems that I don't consent to that I push back on at every turn

most people numb themselves but I don't want that kind of life I do want to pace myself but that's bullshit too that deferral forever I deferred myself for 10 fucking years but I can't even opt out anymore because I have commitment which I took on cuz I don't want to be a W-2 slave forever and I don't regret them I just made a bad decision cuz I didn't know everything but I always felt like action is better than no action cuz at least you'll learn something from your mistakes but God damn it this is just fucking chronic ongoing and stupid it hardly makes any sense. What hardly makes any sense is even grown adults who see mature don't pay on time you have to chase them down etc. There's no time there's no sovereignty there's no freedom for me I'm always the last fucking last always and I'm worthy of the most. I'm worthy of more than most and I get way less almost nothing almost negative. fuck everyone and fuck their vitamin fuck their optimization targets They can have their optimization targets as long as they treat someone with dignity and give them their just due, where as long as they don't bait and switch marketing one thing and delivering another. fuck all this shit fuck this geography fuck this geometry it's fucking fucked and fuck living in a multifamily where I have neighbors fuck this shit All this for nothing What a fucking waste of time What a fucking stupid ass decision I made 10 years ago two years ago I made a 20 years ago when I went to fucking Gustavus. I made a series of bad decisions - about three of them and all these decisions have one thing in common They deepened me in the system, this system which I thought was normal system because I was blind just like so many others are here

The blame function lies with this system but at another level it lies with me being blind.

I knew the world was bigger and better But still I thought I could make it here with my intelligence and charms and I thought it could be a stepping stone I guess. I thought I could find my people if they were only one in a hundred but I guess for some reason that I don't fully understand these thoughts did not pan out. it's apparently better at capture than I realized and so I'm still a little bit blind apparently and that's where the blame function goes secondarily

pretty much the only bad decisions I made in my life I feel like we're those that deepened my investment in this shitty place going to college here years ago moving here 10 years ago and buying property here more and more. God damn it it's like I'm married to this fucking place. I just want to be married to a good ecology and fit in like Montreal or somewhere That's what I need it's like I'm in a marriage that's toxic. I think that describes a lot of this

 

[odyseus]

im too above people (here) in my understanding

my good friends are still serving a toxic system

i had a no show - fucking scum. no excuses especially as she just scheduled one hour ago. seriously what is people's malfunction ? and as i said in the post above, for some reason i want to go to church today but this no show fat mamma bitch stole part of my morning. what can i say, i have an exposed flank. i do. but i wanted to rush home for a 3 minute bath because i deserve some grounding and reset. instantly it hit me- my lower tailbone- compacted with bullshit. lets clarify something

I HATE BEING SUPERIOR

being better, smarter, more honorable is CURSE. It means you live around failures and in failure and disappointment all the time.

imagine most kids are mostly happy if they have a halfway decent life. they are also surrounded by elders, men, women and adults who know more than them and can elevate them and be there. coincidence? i don't think so. I'd rather live in a city where I'm on the bottom and everyone is wiser, smarter, more responsible, more has their shit together.

I don't have my shit together to the extent they don't have my shit together because other people that I depend on don't have their shit together and that's so much of it right now. I have dependencies on the lower classes and I was never an economic judge this is a character thing. I don't want to be better than other people I want to be in a place where I'm the worst but still striving toward upward. this is a shit place and it's not going to enclose on my spirit

I don't let anything enclose on my spirit

I have an open flank though. I have to do every showing I fucking kitten pretty much get this fucking place listed There's nothing I can fucking do about that. I have to be at the beck and call of unworthy bitches and unworthy dumbasses and that's just one aspect of this shit situation

this is heavy metal played loud rage- sabaton, powerwolf etc cutting through the bs plastic or hiphop "music". in the late 90s it seemed to switch to weak ass alternative. it seems like culture drifted- or was pushed and pulled, towed on a new trajectory. i don't know what happened or the cause but i think this is mapped. you don't hear men (or women) listening to real breaking music like this

I'm not going to be kept in a plastic prison.

my spirit is a universal solvent

When you know yourselves, then you'll be known, and you'll realize that you're the children of the living Father. But if you don't know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty

i know the world too. it is a jack off place through and through, as long as you have ANY dependencies, and i do mean ANY dependencies. those WILL be exploited- if at all possible due to the vacuum principle- and entropy besides will creep in. this is a jack off world that tries to always jack a man off, a property manager.

i reserve all rights obviously
the system has acted in bad faith or at least negligently- at every level, from the highest level to the lowest, refusing basic free or cheap courtesy.
i do not accept excuses

i know the incentive principle but should a person need an immediate incentive every time in the short run to show equivalence or reciprocity? is that what we've cone down to? i do not update my identity on inferior treatment. i know myself. it only reveals the garbage nature of the system, the culture and i am an observer

when i hit the hot water 15 minutes ago i felt it right hard on the tip of my tailbone

i got myself entangled, thats for sure and I'll own my share, however great but my entanglement is based very profoundly on the unexpected unreliability of many and multiple things and i have years of experience in this industry. submarkets maybe- deferred maintenance sellers maybe - we did an inspection. his other two properties have been pretty good. i got myself entangled but so many conditionals had to align. my mind has not been big enough to regard how all in the system has gone culturally. that's on my limited imagination. i don't want to be role cast- as the cynical landlord. i don't want things to bifurcate stereotypically. i just want that on the record. where are they leaving me outs? why does my mind resist the truth? why is my flank exposed? why is it now always one major thing after another? gratitude plus resentment- they cone as a pair. things could be worse but they could be fucking better already

my spirit will not be swallowed. my leg will not be caught in claws or jaws. i don't fucking care how far- i will go the distance, but one can only go the distance if one transforms (grows) along the way, that progress may not be impeded so transformation is incoming. training and transformation

 

[mirror]

Wow are you ok? I feel you bro, the world can be a shitty place sometimes. You will need to face it though, and beat (figuratively) your reality into the one that will make your reality better. I am going to read your journal and see whether i can offer you anything useful.

And yes. People fluking sucks. You will manage thou

 

[odyseus]

Wow are you ok? I feel you bro, the world can be a shitty place sometimes. You will need to face it though, and beat (figuratively) your reality into the one that will make your reality better. I am going to read your journal and see whether i can offer you anything useful.

And yes. People fluking sucks. You will manage thou

I am overburdened. thanks for asking. I don't know if I am ok. what does ok mean? I am loaded. I am underrewarded, i am constrained. I am through narrow straights. Odysseus and Achilles and all them had to go through this. That's what people miss, this is life. I think people numb themselves- but i am getting rage reactions. There is too much load too much insult. I went to language group I'm part of and two girls- friends- one married one older so not datable but they are dear friends, they were both talking at the end- we were talking about dating- both white- one french one minnesotan (but a good minnesotan who is different and open and lived in montreal) she said she's not attracted to white men. I've known her for several years. She did marry a lebanese and got divorced and now married a hispanic, and the french lady married an african guy and got divorced and that's fine but it's like you're going to go and say to my face you don't like dating white guys (all this time she's showed signs of attraction to me and genuine friendliness). the mind of people is insane and i guess womens words don't mean much. That's one thing and they also subscribe to narratives more than men.

I guess i"m saying i meet so much resistance. I need to be free.

These are pains, pangs. I am trying to stabalize my real estate- especially one shitty property and pull ahead financially. In a good month i would kill it- 8k passive income and 5k after tax income- killing it but i've never had that good month on real estate since I got my last two buildings last year. Maybe i make 2k with all the sudden repairs and vacancies and non payments. At least I'm above water but things can always happen. if something happened and i couldn't refi my heloc, fucked. I am owed also about 12k from 3 people behind in rent. yeah it got out of control. That would be huge and I might be able to collect some of that.

I don't want to be captured. I am seeing things, seeing the design of things. bathing is really incredible, it unlocks things but it reduces numbness and so you can rage. I am trying to do things. I guess I should slow down or could slow down, i don't know but it just got warm out so a new season is coming. don't mistake changes in moods for internal shifts. so many things are secretly controlled by external forces- the weather or culture and so on. I don't want to be the marionette of culture. I don't want to sound needy or fragile. That was my fear. fuck that. i don't want to live in fear. I have needs. i see things. A song just came up from powerwolf- "We Don't Wanna Be No Saints". I never heard that song. i love that title.

They want to force people to be saintly here or good. People accept it because it is an identity, it saves their face and some people genuinely (a lot of men) like the lack of responsibility, and women pursuing careers get so much fucking support- they are like the boomers but I just want what's fair.

With real estate it requires A LOT of patience, dealing with A LOT of open loops-- but I have been doing real estate 10 years. it has never been like this. It is mostly one shitty property that doesn't look like it should be shitty. it's just one thing after another with that piece of shit. It anchors me. Things are too slow. Things are too slow. This place pulls on me. I want bigger gravity.

If i'm dancing with some people, i don't want them to fucking revert to minnesota ice norms. I want to have gravity that breaks through. i was at church today- i went cause why not. It's been a while- not a believer but I saw this lady twirling her hair across from me and looking at her phone. she reminded me of me. i thought she's restless, so after i went to talk to her. she was super friendly and enjoyed talking to me but she was not what i expected. I think she put on face. she is split in the mind i think. that's my leading theory. everything's "good" because things have to be good. She went to shake my hand, but i put both hands out so she went to hug me thinking that's what i was going to do but no i shook her hand and put my left hand around her backside of the hand. I cannot let anyone get above me in frame here. it's strictly unsafe. They are unsafe to be under. It is unsafe to believe what women say- unless they are few with good minds- and those exist but they are rare. I maybe have not learned how to use minnesota for what it is good at. that could be my fault- security and stability but it is not optimized for me. Maybe my job is stable and i can appreciate that. i am grateful for what i have but i am resentful or the critical things i lack and both are valid and they work together. I am thinking about aura a lot. I don't want to give up ANY aura. That would be death. Aura is minimum requirement. I'm running hot though. It's so fucking slow with this real estate exit. I knew it would be but god it is slow and i am angry. it has been 10 years i've been here. Minnesota is not just ensnaring and not just broad in its application of norms. I knew they had norms but i didn't think it would be so totalizing, hitting everyone left and right like a cult but it is really good or was really good at making things invisible to me. Pay now, you'll get paid back later. Effort will map to result and momentum. no it doesn't really. Even now my friends at the language club tried to defend it- maybe if you go somewhere else -- you'll struggle. They try to keep the frame, 'conservative' you know but it is really is the location. Things are inverted. Their categories are not the categories i use. I am just trying to exist and live. I don't know- i fell through the cracks so i am trying to escape through the cracks as well. i use the word cracks a lot. One of the girls said she doesn't like when guys are pushy-- i get that. i told them minnesota is not pushy in that way she describes but it is totalizing with its frame. it wants to capture you in its frame, in its definitions, in its norms and categories but they don't help. that would be fine if it paid guys like me but it misprices us. i have a friend from saudi arabia- agnostic/atheist and another from here locally- my age range give or take and they are struggling in EXACTLY the same way but at least they are open about it. it misprices our values so what is necessary is to leave.

But i am raging, just trying to get through one day at a time. it is offensive and insulting or i code it like that. I don't have a father who is worth anything. i am reconnecting to my sister as she reached out. we are laughing together. it's hard when you don't have anyone. There is so much toxicity. Nobody can be playful. nobody can be authentic. they all have to perform moral seriousness theater. it doesn't take much but maybe it takes more now to make me happy but it didn't used to. It's shit. The north loop is way better. it has a way better vibe. outside of the north loop the place is fucked. They are arrogant. They are abstract i think and thin. I like things thick. i like jeeps, i like the wild, i like life, i like transparency and flirtation. everything is a big fucking deal here. "They don't want to hurt someone's feelings" so they'll lie to their face or smile like shitheads. I am deeply incompatible with this place but stuck here. One women the other day, not here today, said something about old white men, though she was a white woman, and she was 'passionate' about undoing this or whatever, and she's white AND I like her as a person. I am not talking about crazy people i could care less about. I am talking about spirits and souls i highly regard and they say the most horrid shit. There was a black guy who was cool, from georgia and a phillipino muslim women and an older woman, and we all got along and when she said that I didn't want to give my tacit approval. Let's talk about structure. let's talk about slavery, colonialism, i'm happy to. i have books on those things. Nobody knows this is a prison planet structurally like me. Nothing is free. There are ZERO degrees of freedom and systems are designed to extract and all but don't go hating on your own kind. Shit your dad is an old white man. i will be one some day. is that agist, racist or sexist or all three? We live in inverted times. i am not listening to podcasts. I am not bringing this shit up. this shit is being brought before my face when i am just trying to do hobbies and it is not people of color talking about it. it is estrangement, it is civilizational categorical demotion straight to my face. what the fuck.

Everything is sociology.

I can date someone when the sociology supports it, as it did in Austin. Almost had a date (1 on 1) with a hot young 20s french woman. she was too tired but we talked for 20- she didn't wig out and we walked later as a group next day. there was ZERO avoidance. Everything is sociology. The sociology is shit here. Dan Bilzarian might get mixed results here. i just use him as a type. i don't worship him but he's a reference type. The narrative is shit here, the reward structure. i have concluded it is like a nursing home energy-- a caretaking home, a halfway house. so many people are on support and critically the people doing the supporting, the social workers and so on, and even professors may view themselves as such in a way, they get an emotional payoff but there is no space for joy here in that. Why did I stay? Why did i not see it? I hardly explored my entire city while i had previously explored scotland, england, Russia, Thailand Egypt, Turkey etc. I travelled a lot yet i didn't know my own city. I thought i had to plant. I was blind. I was blind. They fooled me. I don't want to be fooled anymore. As to whether i call them out- when and how? I don't know when or where it is best or even possible to do that but i will mock them all i can. Mocking is a powerful verbal psychological weapon especially when people are exposed. mock them without shame. Strong good men need to learn the art of mocking well, and rudeness is harder to do but i found i have to be rude sometimes to protect boundaries. i think rudeness is boundary protection when people consistently encroach.

Minnesota wants people captured. i am captured at the level of single- unrewarded, chronically. i am captured at the level of a flat tepid city. i could be numb and fine with that in the short run but i have streams of load and duty flowing at me- people asking if the place is still available and not responding or showing up, or this or that the matter, renew insurance one thing after another, need an appliance fixed etc. There are other levels. My 9-5 is boring. is it supposed to make me happy? I don't want to be online right now. i want to be living a good life. I am not really well, not objectively. i want to answer that question objectively. no, i am not. i am not in the state i should be in and it is all due to sociology. my elders, my forefathers and family and national forefathers, they fucked us, they abandoned us, civilization or it was captured from above or something. What is necessary is first of all open eyes. The first and most powerful thing is open eyes that stay open, and closed ears- ears closed to bullshit that tries to take away your ability to see. Jesus in the gospel of thomas said note what is before you and the hidden mysteries will reveal themselves to you. They want to talk me out of my perceptions of this place and all the hard won insight. if i can't see the obvious, the obvious racism and shit narrative and stuff, and the way women -- many just succumb to narrative and shit people are creating it, if i can't see the obvious, then how can i possibly see the obscure mysteries? They want to talk people out of that, out of their perception but first and foremost one needs to see, to be able to see. There are other things. clearly most people are just trying to survive economically. that is true and most other groups have stronger family cultures. they have each other. I didn't sign up, i didn't submit or consent to be the servant, forced into servitude. latin servus means slave. not servant, it means slave. i didn't sign up for this but it fell to me but it can open my eyes. i can do what i can. I hold my frame. i am temporarily down here and while down here i am picking up pearls. I am getting stronger. They can't steal my sanity. they try but as it does, as it attacks, the system reveals its structure. it doesn't take much to have a good society, a good civilization. i think european cities, maybe a small/mid town would be ideal. i haven't explored the mid size that much. that might be where it's at. i don't know. I am not that well because i should not be online right now but we are all trying to figure out how to have a life.

I have tried many things in life and it doesn't make sense, based on all the effort i put forth plus intrinsics plus the fact that sometimes women can just connect with me so easily and effortlessly. it is only explained through common denominator- of the place, this shit place, of sociology- external factors whose gravity i am apparently not able to overcome, despite my frame. They don't know how to categorize me, i'm not visible enough, or attention is too fragmented. The only thing that makes sense is my decisions led me here and this place is shit. I had good initial memories here and they maybe hooked me but it is like a bad marriage and I am getting a divorce and will be free. i might always have property here until i die but most are low maintenance and i can get a manager and collect money. i can extract from this state versus vice versa. wouldn't that be nice, but later on when i am more free i could also sell them. i could have optionality. i need to sell the one though- soon. I have paid too much. I have a plan, that could work but it requires execution and nothing to get fucked up in the mean time. no jinx. life is precarious. i never ran from it, what i thought was wisest. i want to face things head on. The culture here wants people to bend and deflect. that would be fine. i always said that would be ok if they paid me. They ask for much without giving shit in return. that is what's not fine. My aura emerges. I hope to go to another town where i am a nobody, where everyone else has a bigger aura then me but they are decent but here, they induce my anger but i'm going to try to see how i can just get by and hibernate a bit more until it lets me out. I think systems try to provoke. traps keep people trapped by continuously provoking them. without blinding myself i will try to be less provoked, to endure just a little bit more but the deal is bad here. my open eyes tell me, this is a rigged game and racist and horrid and inverted. good deeds get punished and bad deeds get you ignored unless you are unignorable. i don't have that kind of gravity. I would sometimes rant a lot in the past way back when but i realize the common denominator. i didn't associate it with minnesota but i was living here at the time. Travelling in my 20s i wasn't totally free because i didn't have a career or stability - fault the college i went to and my parents but at least people were decent. i don't know, it's not all about place but a hell of a lot is. i have tried 10 years to get momentum here and i have gotten no real legitimate romantic momentum that lasted or compiled. I had a thing with a few (several) people but nothing compounded. In life we need things to compound. Everything is on my own - and nobody cares. they only care about their own selves, their own images, that they are 'good' in the eyes of this shitty ass society.

 

[odyseus]

i am in the transformation business. no grandiosity, just reality. i have been under a lot of load recently of multiple types and have been raging, and resisting numbing myself or fantasizing about nonsense, and so I've been bumbing up against cultural frictions too. it hasn't been good and I'm sensitive generally. a lot of noises and interruptions are shocking my nervous system, especially when I'm trying to do some work, emotional or mental

but part of the sensitivity is my nervous system, my soul or psyche trying to transform, expand and grow and this being resisted by the environment, by the culture

i don't want to be captured and capture is everywhere. i don't want to be flattened, I don't want to be induced. i don't like our high throughput flat low hierarchy low variance culture, a car and horn culture but basically ive been highly loaded as well as increasingly sensitive to load through my growth and transforming. this is where it chooses to happen. i see

transforming here means accessing spine, tailbone, belly gut as an everyday operating posture

i have a plan now- a good plan for freedom and exit- refi a few things and sell one so i was working on formal docs for marketing- t12 financial spreadsheets etc. i will make it a format exactly as investors want to see

i have a plan. now its just time to execute. now i learn the meaning of illiquid i suppose but who knows. lightning could strike.

I want so many things to happen And they could almost happen all at once once things are in place. once I have margin. once I have lower surface area.

I want to leave this city and state and I want to not live in a multifamily anymore. I don't mind renting but I don't want to live in a multifamily house where I have to share space and I don't want to live in a place where the neighborhood has noise

I'm calmer now but it's touch and go AND I still have to absorb a bunch of shock and I don't consent to it and I don't like to tolerate it and I don't want to have to tolerate it but the alternative is raging out so it really sucks but that's where I stand and I was offended today by what they said at the language group My friends they talk about not being attracted to white people and these are highly open highly intelligent people What the fuck Jesus Christ how did things get so twisted how did the world invert And I hear conspiracy theories on TikTok and stuff related to world war 3 and you know what We fucking had two world wars. do you think those were just accidental whoops so here's a world of war everyone wants to have a world war. so Jesus comes to mind in the Gospel of Thomas. I've always noted that verse that the disciples are like children in the field that's not theirs and when the owner comes to ask for it back and they'll strip take off their clothes and leave and I always interpreted that as the field being the world the owners being the owners of this world but it's a low world it's a shitty world and I don't know if that's true I'm rational so maybe this is just mystical imagination and maybe we should fight for this world but how but I imagine them taking off their clothes means giving up their flesh and letting go of this shit hole prison system so that the greedy clenchers can have it to themselves. That's how I always understood this verse.

I have to tolerate someone shit right now but so many people do but I don't have support but I have freedom and sovereignty but alone I just have to bear all this shock and perturbation. That's a word. That's a word I first heard recently. so many things conspire to perturb me

I've been on edge and I've been very frustrated and thin margins really suck And I don't just mean financial but because I'm still floating but emotional and things like that but there's one good thing about them. They give one sharper eyes one sees the system gradients one can size up other people more quickly understand where they're coming from their reflexes everything.

I don't believe in free will so I'm learning to see things in terms of gradients. it's almost like every decision everyone that made in life they made in life cuz they saw that as the best gradient in some way in some multi-dimensional space But there are traps there are illusions and limited vision

I do get so much peace at night when I can leave everything aside and just read math and history. books don't as I said before they don't demand anything of a person. One can go at one's own rate there's no electrical interface with pop-ups and hijacking of cursors and so on. I get to go deep in the mind I get to go to a different place and time and space. I can even tolerate noise ambiently. I get to learn how napoleon came to be and so on and so forth - A little bit every evening and it restores me and it refreshes me neurologically to a great degree but everything's a cycle and I'm spinning on the cycle

I feel always close to agitation and I know this world this city doesn't give me much shit at all so I'm working on being angrier Yes believe it or not being angrier The key is not to be angrier as a person but to be angrier in the right place where it can have a ripple effect where it can bring dominance dominant aura because that's what I'm going for because I don't want to try change this place I want to leave this place sovereignly but at the same time while I'm here it's not that I want to try break frames it's that I don't want them to break my frame and sometimes it's a zero sum game and someone's frame someone's aura will be broken because I need my aura

But this isn't even the transformation I was talking about this is what I've already been doing but tonight I had the idea that there's only one solution space for certain things and that involves transformation - I meant more transformation that transforms perception because while I've gotten more embodied and more knowledgeable I don't think my perception has truly transformed much over this period And that's the next thing that's the capstone maybe where I marvel

And I think everyone almost everyone has much higher capacity than they realize and I'm not here to lecture or to nag but it's things that keep one down distractions television etc as I'm about to watch another episode of breaking bad but that's actually a really good show It shows how the world is a horror place how things capture how people compromise not to moralize but how they get compromised But also I was thinking maybe I need to watch some TV eat some shittier food and so on although I want to eat meat and eat better cuz my gums I think we're starting to have issues but I can manage I can eat less often But I was thinking maybe more TV more junk actually fewer baths which are so powerful because I want to numb myself but consciously so I don't freak out but so I can pace myself kind of like the control rods or something in a nuclear reactor if that's what they're called. I have to temporarily stupify myself i think for long-term sanity and stability but consciously my choice temporarily because the world is so messed up here. every time I say world I think kosmos which is civilization and the built environment not the natural world versus γη or earth.

everything all my results and failures and even success in failure and business has been sociology. It was the sociology of the church that connected me to the guy who helped me buy a few of my last ones and made introductions and got me moving forward and it is sociology which results in the market which I have to deal with for some of them and it is sociology which determines how open the women are around me or how trusting or lack of trusting they are, how polite or rude they are It is all socioology and everything is field sociology here. The blame function has to account for this and has to assign blame to sociology and social structures and social fields more than the individuals because it's all sociology because if I had a good gradient if women were interested in men generally and smart men and trusting men- The sociology differs for different groups and it differs in different places. it's all sociology The key is how do you get to be part of a good one part of a good society? this is the question I need to be asking myself but it's really quite simple to start with. if you want to fuck more French girls go to France. That's not rocket science lol

but exit velocity is a thing I guess

whoop there's another siren shocking my nervous system deep in the background shocking it at some level

endurance. I hate endurance. how much I've had to endure. how much I have to endure it's really fucking crazy but I should end this because writing these things is actually dangerous. It seems to open me up and expose me to stress more than not doing so along with other things. endurance. this place makes me endure s much shit and the sirens are the least of it disrespect from women for nothing suspicion a lot of suspicion frames. oh shit at the grocery store I was ordering three things including foot bar And it turns out I cut in front of a young couple for the self checkout which I didn't see but then I saw a lane open with a cute girl at the checkout so I went there and the older lady I guess watching the self checkout approach me and asked me what was up it's like what the fuck I told her yeah I didn't know how to do the chicken and there's other people that I cut in front of but she pressed me and I was like Jesus Christ can't you leave it alone I didn't say that but that's what I'm thinking. you don't have to follow up on me and question when I give you an answer. she didn't have to cancel anything cuz nothing was scanned and they were already there at that place It was just irritating. this place just doesn't vibe with me. I probably didn't explain that well but there's so much intrusion and interference. I don't feel like I can just be myself you know and I have nothing I have no relationships nothing and I never really had them And if I ask someone out for dinner or whatever they treat that like a fucking massive deal here. normal things are treated like a big deal why? because they don't want to offend or they don't want to lead someone on or they don't want to... The point is they're anxious about XYZ. just go fucking have food. Don't be so fucking anxious about the potential meaning of some goddamn thing Jesus fucking Christ these people are hyper procedural hyper anxious and they have categories. They frame you inside of categories heaven forbid you don't align perfectly with a category then they're not going to know what to do with you and it's going to be weird. There's just a lot of friction here They just need to relax and not have so much anxiety about stuff or maybe it's not anxiety it's conformity to certain types of frames. I'm just trying to live.. And I'm not trying to sound arrogant but many people with low-level jobs take them so seriously like it's the identity like it's their territory. like it's sacred. There's people honking all the time and they just tolerate that as normal. I think what's normal to them is pathological There's no deeper metaphysics no discussion no art no aesthetics not as I see it. The women come off as a tease but I don't think that's what they mean to do I just think it's a low libido city low reciprocity low polarity and I have no one and all that stuff so little things are starting to irritate me cuz all my potential tenants are no shows for this unit I got and it's just fucking a lot stacking on top but I need to consolidate this I just need to see this through. My fears that there's never ends you know

worst cases I can't sell it And I'm still trying to sell it in two years but if I give them a good cap rate and if I after getting the package together and the marketing and advertising- then I can flex on the prices of variable and just price it to move in theory hopefully. The idea is someone with $100,000... Or less burning a hole in their pocket can get a much more expensive property that can cash flow give tax savings and inflation hedge because they're getting the rest of the financing for free without having to go through a bank interest only but worst cases I can't sell this it'll be 2 years and it keeps pulling me back and keeps causing problems as well as other things and my job is boring or having forbid I get let go or have trouble refinancing something so it's not over it's not for certain nothing is

And there's so many things that shock on a daily hourly basis with tech with everything like that like I just heard a beep on here which I wasn't expecting in that shocked me. it's just normal shit that's flying at you I don't know maybe this doesn't affect other people that much but it's just kind of irritating me cumulatively and I'm trying hard to be centered sovereign grounded and I don't know why this is happening to me now but I started a process I guess a while ago maybe I was born inside of this process and I can't stop it now it's trying to transform me and maybe it doesn't affect everyone but this process is a process of perception. I end up looking at the world as a place of potential great beauty and pleasure and passion and eros but what I actually see is shit people choosing the fifth or systems dumping the shit all over everyone else or bad design at the very least or special interest hijackers or whatever and everything just getting fucked up and being stupid streams of shit and my spine trying to bear it all without compromising or collapsing or absorbing any of it and taking any of it personally so that's where I'm at I'm trying to stretch past all this not be consumed by frames and loads and loading dumping systems- That's the starting point of transformation And you need surplus a man needs surplus without surplus he's exploitable but a man also needs to appreciate surplus cuz I've had surplus at different times and I didn't know how to appreciate it I suppose. And this is not to be stoic but I think wherever a person finds themselves they should appreciate what that situation can give them uniquely and get as much as they can get from that situation because things do change and the very at the very least I could just let go and dump everything and walk away you know it's better than self-harming let the chips fall where they may whatever you know just letting go. I don't want to be captured by anything. I can't believe how tight this system is and how rigid it is and people just doing the same thing year after year day after day not being novel not thinking not being creative just locking everything down the rich being rich the poor being poor very little change

I can't wait to get the news probably this week of one of my tenants being served. finally someone else is going to be shocked. it's going to be fun shocking people just like it's fun mocking people. these things are not evil or if they are then evil is not bad. who gets to define the terms? I just saw this thing on TikTok about Lucifer in heaven fighting and he turned into Satan and yeah this is all just pure fucking fantasy. The Bible is kind of like fantasy pornography and this isn't even in the Bible this is like added interpretation but still that's what people go for this epic fantasy crap. I'm trying hard to live in reality. The Greek myths Zeus and stuff that's actually more interesting and richer and you have to use your imagination you imagine him fighting the Titans the Father that tried to consume him the forces of disorder and not all the Titans some of them sided with him and that was not an easy war and Hercules and Achilles trials were not easy nobody's were. The imagination is an interesting faculty that I have to think about more. it's not free from constraint like anything. how we use it determines a lot of how life turns out I guess but all right that's another update. it's crazy how there's a nervous system state and a level of tolerance because sometimes I'm peaceful actually believe it or not or relatively so locally so and sometimes I'm the opposite and what's changing between those times? being prodded makes me irritable obviously so there's that. inversions and stuff and shitty situations and relationships always being tested I'm tired of always being tested by all sorts of people that's why you got to exhibit dominance somehow. it's not optional you got to find a way to be dominant and you have to find a way to be dominant because people act in bad faith and people test you. it's not really optional. dominance doesn't mean you dominate everybody It means you only show dominance toward those who would otherwise test you and just cuz someone has more money or more connection doesn't mean they have the ability to be dominant over you. In certain respects yes but I'm talking about aura. I don't care if it's John d Rockefeller or JP Morgan or whoever do they have a bigger aura than me or do I have a bigger aura than them? That's what counts and I think although they weren't wise with money management the vanderbilts the commodore had aura

if I watch Netflix or anything I want to do it with conscious decision. A lot of people just do things out of stupor and have it in impulse and induction And it's funny how noise and stress tries to nudge one into that and that's what I resent. hear a honk feel like eating something feel like watching something. It shouldn't be like that. there shouldn't be such easy levers. What does that tell us? is that how cheap we are?

 

[mirror]

I am overburdened. thanks for asking. I don't know if I am ok. what does ok mean?

Put together or not. I asked to show care. I think you need that.

I am loaded. I am underrewarded, i am constrained.

okay, breath. Go outside, walk or do whatever you need.

I am through narrow straights. Odysseus and Achilles and all them had to go through this. That's what people miss, this is life. I think people numb themselves- but i am getting rage reactions.

Quite possible. Find a place for the rage.

There is too much load too much insult. I went to language group I'm part of and two girls- friends- one married one older so not datable but they are dear friends, they were both talking at the end- we were talking about dating- both white- one french one minnesotan (but a good minnesotan who is different and open and lived in montreal) she said she's not attracted to white men. I've known her for several years. She did marry a lebanese and got divorced and now married a hispanic, and the french lady married an african guy and got divorced and that's fine but it's like you're going to go and say to my face you don't like dating white guys (all this time she's showed signs of attraction to me and genuine friendliness).

They could have wanted to make you feel challenged and interested in them. I think if they didnt find you interesting, they would have cut off the trail of thought / not talked about it in front of you, or at least told you you are an exception or to forgive them for mentioning it or something, or they think you are above their petty thoughts.

the mind of people is insane and i guess womens words don't mean much. That's one thing and they also subscribe to narratives more than men.

Some people are simply less trustworthy than others and especially their words.

I guess i"m saying i meet so much resistance. I need to be free.

Dont allow anyone to take power over your own freedom, find what makes you feel free and own it.

These are pains, pangs. I am trying to stabalize my real estate- especially one shitty property and pull ahead financially.

Good!

In a good month i would kill it- 8k passive income and 5k after tax income- killing it but i've never had that good month on real estate since I got my last two buildings last year.

Okay but what do you exactly NEED

Maybe i make 2k with all the sudden repairs and vacancies and non payments. At least I'm above water but things can always happen. if something happened and i couldn't refi my heloc, fucked.

okay. Focus on the first steps.

I am owed also about 12k from 3 people behind in rent. yeah it got out of control. That would be huge and I might be able to collect some of that.

Tell them you need it. And this is the emergency money.

I don't want to be captured. I am seeing things, seeing the design of things.

beautiful

bathing is really incredible, it unlocks things but it reduces numbness and so you can rage. I am trying to do things.

good well done

I guess I should slow down or could slow down, i don't know but it just got warm out so a new season is coming. don't mistake changes in moods for internal shifts.

ok

so many things are secretly controlled by external forces- the weather or culture and so on. I don't want to be the marionette of culture.

You aint, you have your own power and shine and uniqueness.

I don't want to sound needy or fragile. That was my fear. fuck that. i don't want to live in fear. I have needs. i see things. A song just came up from powerwolf- "We Don't Wanna Be No Saints". I never heard that song. i love that title.

Fun; might need to listen.

They want to force people to be saintly here or good. People accept it because it is an identity, it saves their face and some people genuinely (a lot of men) like the lack of responsibility, and women pursuing careers get so much fucking support- they are like the boomers but I just want what's fair.

Hmm goodness is a choice, someone could decide to make every time and day because there actually is no real alternative that's attractive. I dont believe saints exist, you are right at many lacking the true underlying care.

With real estate it requires A LOT of patience, dealing with A LOT of open loops-- but I have been doing real estate 10 years.

Cool

it has never been like this. It is mostly one shitty property that doesn't look like it should be shitty. it's just one thing after another with that piece of shit. It anchors me. Things are too slow. Things are too slow. This place pulls on me. I want bigger gravity.

Ok take it. The gravity.

If i'm dancing with some people, i don't want them to fucking revert to minnesota ice norms. I want to have gravity that breaks through.

Not sure what you mean but it sounds cool.

i was at church today- i went cause why not. It's been a while- not a believer but I saw this lady twirling her hair across from me and looking at her phone. she reminded me of me. i thought she's restless, so after i went to talk to her.

funny

she was super friendly and enjoyed talking to me but she was not what i expected. I think she put on face. she is split in the mind i think. that's my leading theory. everything's "good" because things have to be good.

okay so you saw that good was a cover to hide behind for her while she deals with her demons

She went to shake my hand, but i put both hands out so she went to hug me thinking that's what i was going to do but no i shook her hand and put my left hand around her backside of the hand. I cannot let anyone get above me in frame here.

What do you think made you feel this way?

it's strictly unsafe. They are unsafe to be under. It is unsafe to believe what women say- unless they are few with good minds- and those exist but they are rare.

men, women, people.. so many different minds

I maybe have not learned how to use minnesota for what it is good at. that could be my fault- security and stability but it is not optimized for me. Maybe my job is stable and i can appreciate that. i am grateful for what i have but i am resentful or the critical things i lack and both are valid and they work together. I am thinking about aura a lot. I don't want to give up ANY aura.

Then dont. Keep it for yourself for a while until you want to give (or not)

That would be death. Aura is minimum requirement. I'm running hot though. It's so fucking slow with this real estate exit. I knew it would be but god it is slow and i am angry. it has been 10 years i've been here.

That's okay. Growth can be fast or slow.

Minnesota is not just ensnaring and not just broad in its application of norms. I knew they had norms but i didn't think it would be so totalizing, hitting everyone left and right like a cult but it is really good or was really good at making things invisible to me. Pay now, you'll get paid back later. Effort will map to result and momentum.

hm?

no it doesn't really. Even now my friends at the language club tried to defend it- maybe if you go somewhere else -- you'll struggle.

I think they worry because they lack the courage themselves ( and they know they will miss you perhaps)

They try to keep the frame, 'conservative' you know but it is really is the location. Things are inverted. Their categories are not the categories i use. I am just trying to exist and live. I don't know- i fell through the cracks so i am trying to escape through the cracks as well. i use the word cracks a lot.

Yeah sounds like a change of scenary might do you well.

One of the girls said she doesn't like when guys are pushy-- i get that. i told them minnesota is not pushy in that way she describes but it is totalizing with its frame. it wants to capture you in its frame, in its definitions, in its norms and categories but they don't help.

Ok leave that place

that would be fine if it paid guys like me but it misprices us. i have a friend from saudi arabia- agnostic/atheist and another from here locally- my age range give or take and they are struggling in EXACTLY the same way but at least they are open about it. it misprices our values so what is necessary is to leave.

Hm it sounds to me like there are more things at play here. And different ways you could deal with it.

But i am raging, just trying to get through one day at a time. it is offensive and insulting or i code it like that.

ok

I don't have a father who is worth anything. i am reconnecting to my sister as she reached out. we are laughing together. it's hard when you don't have anyone.

Focus on the people you do have and the peace you can find within yourself; once you get through the emotions

There is so much toxicity. Nobody can be playful. nobody can be authentic. they all have to perform moral seriousness theater.

Hmm any place will have a few people that feel like you, while looking to move, perhaps you can find them

it doesn't take much but maybe it takes more now to make me happy but it didn't used to. It's shit.

Yeah ingenuinity and coverups for vulnerability seldom is good.

The north loop is way better. it has a way better vibe. outside of the north loop the place is fucked. They are arrogant. They are abstract i think and thin. I like things thick. i like jeeps, i like the wild, i like life, i like transparency and flirtation. everything is a big fucking deal here. "They don't want to hurt someone's feelings" so they'll lie to their face or smile like shitheads.

Yep know the feel, it's harder to find genuine people at places like that, but if you find them.. they might stick.

I am deeply incompatible with this place but stuck here. One women the other day, not here today, said something about old white men, though she was a white woman, and she was 'passionate' about undoing this or whatever, and she's white AND I like her as a person.

I dont think she meant you, but i do think you would truly need to get in her mind to understand what's going on. You dont need to though. I am grateful for you that she is nice to you.

I am not talking about crazy people i could care less about. I am talking about spirits and souls i highly regard and they say the most horrid shit.

Yeah

There was a black guy who was cool, from georgia and a phillipino muslim women and an older woman, and we all got along and when she said that I didn't want to give my tacit approval.

Ok

Let's talk about structure. let's talk about slavery, colonialism, i'm happy to. i have books on those things. Nobody knows this is a prison planet structurally like me. Nothing is free.

Interesting. Tough too.

There are ZERO degrees of freedom and systems are designed to extract and all but don't go hating on your own kind.

not sure i agree. Hate who deserves to be hated , then forgive because holding on to hate will kill yourself in the end.

Shit your dad is an old white man. i will be one some day. is that agist, racist or sexist or all three?

just be honest about his good nd bad.

We live in inverted times. i am not listening to podcasts. I am not bringing this shit up. this shit is being brought before my face when i am just trying to do hobbies and it is not people of color talking about it. it is estrangement, it is civilizational categorical demotion straight to my face. what the fuck.

Hmm.

Everything is sociology.

I can date someone when the sociology supports it, as it did in Austin. Almost had a date (1 on 1) with a hot young 20s french woman. she was too tired but we talked for 20- she didn't wig out and we walked later as a group next day. there was ZERO avoidance. Everything is sociology. The sociology is shit here. Dan Bilzarian might get mixed results here. i just use him as a type. i don't worship him but he's a reference type. The narrative is shit here, the reward structure. i have concluded it is like a nursing home energy-- a caretaking home, a halfway house. so many people are on support and critically the people doing the supporting, the social workers and so on, and even professors may view themselves as such in a way, they get an emotional payoff but there is no space for joy here in that.

Hmm individualistic communities that get social systems often become like that , it's inherent to the system. That said, with less pressure snd a good culture people might be prompted to do good for good

Why did I stay? Why did i not see it? I hardly explored my entire city while i had previously explored scotland, england, Russia, Thailand Egypt, Turkey etc. I travelled a lot yet i didn't know my own city.

It is ok. Life is to grow

I thought i had to plant. I was blind. I was blind. They fooled me. I don't want to be fooled anymore. As to whether i call them out- when and how? I don't know when or where it is best or even possible to do that but i will mock them all i can. Mocking is a powerful verbal psychological weapon especially when people are exposed. mock them without shame. Strong good men need to learn the art of mocking well, and rudeness is harder to do but i found i have to be rude sometimes to protect boundaries. i think rudeness is boundary protection when people consistently encroach.

Tough one. Big topic. Wanna revisit some time but not now.

Minnesota wants people captured. i am captured at the level of single- unrewarded, chronically. i am captured at the level of a flat tepid city. i could be numb and fine with that in the short run but i have streams of load and duty flowing at me- people asking if the place is still available and not responding or showing up, or this or that the matter, renew insurance one thing after another, need an appliance fixed etc. There are other levels. My 9-5 is boring. is it supposed to make me happy?

If you don't want it, know it's temporary until you find better

I don't want to be online right now. i want to be living a good life.

you will.

I am not really well, not objectively. i want to answer that question objectively. no, i am not. i am not in the state i should be in and it is all due to sociology. my elders, my forefathers and family and national forefathers, they fucked us, they abandoned us, civilization or it was captured from above or something.

rough

What is necessary is first of all open eyes. The first and most powerful thing is open eyes that stay open,

this i can agree with

and closed ears- ears closed to bullshit that tries to take away your ability to see.

Hm. Sometimes , yeah

Jesus in the gospel of thomas said note what is before you and the hidden mysteries will reveal themselves to you. They want to talk me out of my perceptions of this place and all the hard won insight. if i can't see the obvious, the obvious racism and shit narrative and stuff, and the way women -- many just succumb to narrative and shit people are creating it, if i can't see the obvious, then how can i possibly see the obscure mysteries? They want to talk people out of that, out of their perception but first and foremost one needs to see, to be able to see.

yess

There are other things. clearly most people are just trying to survive economically. that is true and most other groups have stronger family cultures. they have each other. I didn't sign up, i didn't submit or consent to be the servant, forced into servitude. latin servus means slave. not servant, it means slave. i didn't sign up for this but it fell to me but it can open my eyes. i can do what i can. I hold my frame. i am temporarily down here and while down here i am picking up pearls. I am getting stronger. They can't steal my sanity. they try but as it does, as it attacks, the system reveals its structure.

Yeah good

it doesn't take much to have a good society, a good civilization.

it does actually sometimes

i think european cities, maybe a small/mid town would be ideal. i haven't explored the mid size that much. that might be where it's at. i don't know. I am not that well because i should not be online right now but we are all trying to figure out how to have a life.

Yep that's it.

I have tried many things in life and it doesn't make sense, based on all the effort i put forth plus intrinsics plus the fact that sometimes women can just connect with me so easily and effortlessly. it is only explained through common denominator- of the place, this shit place, of sociology- external factors whose gravity i am apparently not able to overcome, despite my frame. They don't know how to categorize me, i'm not visible enough, or attention is too fragmented. The only thing that makes sense is my decisions led me here and this place is shit.

It's okay. You dont need to only make right choices. Once in a while we fuck up and have to take the U-turn

I had good initial memories here and they maybe hooked me but it is like a bad marriage and I am getting a divorce and will be free.

good. Learnt what u had to, now extract yourself

i might always have property here until i die but most are low maintenance and i can get a manager and collect money. i can extract from this state versus vice versa. wouldn't that be nice, but later on when i am more free i could also sell them.

sounds good.

i could have optionality. i need to sell the one though- soon. I have paid too much.

ok well at least you know.

I have a plan, that could work but it requires execution and nothing to get fucked up in the mean time. no jinx. life is precarious. i never ran from it, what i thought was wisest. i want to face things head on. The culture here wants people to bend and deflect.

Yep that's some cultures for you. It gives some people a false sense of safety

that would be fine. i always said that would be ok if they paid me. They ask for much without giving shit in return. that is what's not fine.

ok

My aura emerges. I hope to go to another town where i am a nobody, where everyone else has a bigger aura then me but they are decent but here, they induce my anger but i'm going to try to see how i can just get by and hibernate a bit more until it lets me out.

hmm try to let all pass your body up to the point you can choose on any moment who you want to be

I think systems try to provoke. traps keep people trapped by continuously provoking them. without blinding myself i will try to be less provoked, to endure just a little bit more but the deal is bad here. my open eyes tell me, this is a rigged game and racist and horrid and inverted. good deeds get punished and bad deeds get you ignored unless you are unignorable. i don't have that kind of gravity. I would sometimes rant a lot in the past way back when but i realize the common denominator. i didn't associate it with minnesota but i was living here at the time. Travelling in my 20s i wasn't totally free because i didn't have a career or stability - fault the college i went to and my parents but at least people were decent.

ok

i don't know, it's not all about place but a hell of a lot is. i have tried 10 years to get momentum here and i have gotten no real legitimate romantic momentum that lasted or compiled. I had a thing with a few (several) people but nothing compounded.

Hmm overthinking yet understandable

In life we need things to compound.

Hmm in the end we only need what we ourselves decide we need.

Everything is on my own - and nobody cares. they only care about their own selves, their own images, that they are 'good' in the eyes of this shitty ass society.

Sad

 

[odyseus]

are you a prestige whore? most people are. I've been one. it's hard not to be. it's how we price and value a lot of things if we're not experts or if we're children or young adults. The older I get though the more I see a lot of things are just prestige bullshit

I have a fucking shit ton of books in my house but almost none of them talk about how most people are unreliable if you need anything from them including if it's their due to provide it including if it doesn't cost them that much. I'm just dealing with a spate of unreliability And I know that incentives matter but it seems like it has to be more than just plain old incentives and people's words aren't good enough It seems like it has to be an incentive at every step The carrot has to stay in front of them right at every step and the stick at every step or they'll drift or dissipate. they'll become diffused. this is what it's feeling like you gotta cattle drive everyone

this is coming from a guy who likes to build good systems and pick good people

I didn't know what getting into low-income real estate was going to do but what it does higher level is induced new personality sides to me. I have to be more dominant it's not a choice but I'm always very discerning - at least I try to be. I'm discerning. I may not be correct but I think I usually am but I don't generalize I'm not blunt I'm person specific and I always have been and always will be and there's a lot of people that fucking need to be dominated or evicted.

I'm in a kind of circular dependency hell circular dependency stress x depends on why depends on z depends on x it feels like and having some more surplus will help me so much.. But it's evading and eluding me

It could happen that in a few months I could be making a good amount of money or things could keep fucking with me And I could keep breaking even just waiting for the next pin to drop but I do have a plan.

I wanted to leave this city before winter and I still do But if I can refine my Helocs to be long-term which is a good deal and if I can sell the shitty property and not be living in my multi-family even if I'm fucking renting even if whatever you know you got to be able to leave at the drop of the hat I don't have that many possessions or take one day or one weekend to move all of it I could even get storage. it's about freedom. I have a plan and I'm starting on it tonight with the refi. I got my template mailed to me by the banker finally and I can start on that My personal financial statement. you know what everything in this life seems to have become a fucking financial statement. everyone knows the price of things but the value of nothing. I'm exaggerating but so much is reduced to money now and there's so much free value that could be given to people smiles kindness openness an interesting conversation Even showing up when you say you're going to show up but these things seem to be lacking and people seem to be full of excuses and I think this is largely a Minnesota polite thing. people from Paris or wherever will think I'm complaining and the problem is me but have they lived in this city? this city is notorious for polite evasion. then I just get blamed for arrogance and ignorance and bitterness when I've been carrying load doing the work. it's my fault for being here but as soon as I learn about it I decided I need to go. It started two years ago or so when I got the book nomad capitalist and I was thinking yeah I got to live overseas or anywhere Go where I'm pretty the best but when I read that I wasn't that serious. I didn't own all these properties the lower-income ones that I do now and I didn't get dumped on and I didn't take it as seriously as urgently it was more of an idea waiting to be explored but now it is a more serious thing get the fuck out of this shit hole

anyway this different base of tenants induces different states in me

I have a property half the people are on assistance but at least I get paid and it's fucking easy and it's coming to be what I prioritize people on assistance cuz I know I keep getting paid from them. at one building half the people not on assistance are behind or are often behind and nobody on assistance is behind

we've become a nation of invalids kind of

And I know the economy is shit and I don't mean at the moment I mean the whole structure is kind of shit. it's a bunch of neoclassical bullshit - And no I don't have a better way cuz I haven't thought about it much but I'm pretty sure I could find a better way. just a little bit more moderation. anyway I have so many books at home and one of the books is freakonomics which I never read but I started to open it today. I didn't get very far cuz I had other stuff pop up and come at me but I read the quotes on front and I always take it slow it's better to take things slow and I saw that the main author was from the University of Chicago and I guess he's a rebel economist and so we'll see what he comes up with. I'm not really holding my breath but we'll see it's just a book to kill time largely for now but you never know. it's not one of the more serious ones I'm reading for real mental growth but we'll see it's one I want to read cuz I've known about it for 25 years I might as well get to it

cancel cancel cancel everyone's always fucking canceling or going slow

I realize speed is a problem And I can't control the speed of things but I'm telling you I really fucking can't control the speed of things here There's like very slow almost retarded feedback and I use that word in the original sense of delayed feedback or intensely delayed. It kills the guy like me but especially when I don't have surplus so I realized having surplus will solve everything. sorry it won't solve everything but it will solve so much

I got sold the lemon and it could turn out to be fine In fact maybe it just needs more stabilization than I thought and I should have evicted some people sooner and I could turn it around but utilities were more than I expected the attention cost is way more than I expected plumbing issues are way more than I expected but those should be solved They did kind of dump something on me such as I've never experienced yet and I've learned a lot from it I've learned about steam heaters I've learned about oh you name it just a lot of stuff But pest control too. it's not worth hiring the professionals unless you really don't want to take the time to go there or you want the optics because it's so easy to do just as good a job as they do for mice and roaches. it's so fucking easy just use a fucking gel let it kill their nest it takes two to three weeks and mice are easy to trap them with the old fashioned traps but you can get the black plastic ones which are easier to use put them where you need to put them put some poison bait in the basement storage areas and stuff so they die wherever I don't care if they die within the walls but this house is taught me a lot I'm only scratching the surface but it's cost me a lot and if I had onto it and if I got all good tenants it could pay me money but never as much as I thought it was going to be. it's a good long-term play for cheap dead but it was never as good as I thought I don't know why utilities were higher than I thought taxes are higher than I thought and the taxes are insulting because I'm losing money on the place so why should I have to fucking pay taxes to and suspended losses on income taxes are insulting too because I'm paying out a pocket. Even if I made $200,000 a year at my day job gross which I don't if I had to spend More money than I take in fixing a place in nursing it back I'm losing money it's not just a paper depreciation loss- it's partly that but They should not suspend so many fucking losses for so long. I need the working capital you know fucking hell because it's money I'm spending not just paper shit

everything is delayed. They haven't given my crew the summons yet although the case has been filed And it's on the docket. He's going to get left within eviction on his record and a judgment for all the money he owes me and that's going to make life harder for him and good because he was a bad communicator who made excuses and didn't even stay current. There's a lot of stuff that's filling you with rage just to think about it

I see now that I'm being forged in fury In the heat of fury but then becoming cold hard after the forging just like steel. if you do it wrong hot cold hot cold you can become fatigued and fragile - that is metal can become fatigued in brittle but if you do it right it becomes harder and stronger so I seek the places of rest and recuperation

I was thinking about tea earlier. I made myself a tea. tea carries a stronger frame than coffee. coffee is modern drink go be productive t is you have to boil it pour it sip it it's more sovereign it's more old world it's less of a fucking drug and more of a fucking ritual

so I'm being forged in fury But I won't act in fury because then my sword is soft But I being shaped in it And I'm learning vengeance and things like that

these people induce different states in me. They challenge my Goodwill- They don't even care about it it seems like. it's not just them it's the systems to insurance fucking insurance I hate insurance they're so anal and they try to tell you how to do your shit but I'm just a little bit overwhelmed right now but when I get some surplus get this house out of my portfolio things should be better and I will leave this city but still collect rents from it that's the goal. if I have to sell everything fuck it I don't fucking care Life is more than money but I don't think I have to I think I can collect rents from this city for the rest of my life while I live in Paris or Tuscany or Thailand and good riddance the only thing good about Minneapolis is getting paid from it without having to be here

I want to be clear my body is really going through convulsions. It really feels like too many people are using me dumping on me I'm having to multitask way too much for what I shouldn't have to But I know I know I want to be ready for whatever comes it's a man's job but what I don't want is to be insulted and to internalize that insult to internalize a false role for myself where I'm not the champion. I don't want to be ridden like a horse I want to be the one riding the horse and my biggest fear is accepting their frame and a lot of things feel insulting to me especially when they recur or when people are not reliable and I have to chase and so on and so forth. I'm working on all this. I'm fighting. I thought I was smart I thought I built good systems but so many dependencies are failing at once it seems like but the future does seem to be well. I found a good person to move in but it won't be for a 60 days she'll be my first section 8 person and I'm actually excited for it. so many people warned against that but I know she'll be great and it's ripping the Band-Aid off it's nothing to fear I'll make sure all the little things are fixed. we'll see how it happens but I don't think there's going to be anything to fear. There's nothing to fear but fear itself and it'll be steady income and utilities will be down for a little bit but I will have property taxes in may to pay. I've said this before I'll say it again There's a lot I'm grateful for you have to have gratitude to keep your perspective but you also have to have resentment to keep your perspective because that's also part of the perspective and if you don't have either one of those your partially blind and you're kind of willfully blind or stupidly blind. I see with both. things actually could be worse although I'm still resentful. bathing still works wonders but I'm aware how I can relax me too much and then I get dumped out and then fucking pissed off but it's usually not when I get dumped on once it's usually when multiple dumpings happen but I get pissed off and that is not good. trying to live in my spine as a thinking man as a knowing man. It seems like so many things want to challenge my perceptions. It seems like this is probably true for every man everyday so many things try to challenge the way you see things try to make you doubt yourself in your own perceptions. What the hell. how is someone supposed to be a sovereign General like that?

I'm sure I'm not covering everything that I've been thinking about but that's something. I just want to have my integrity and I want to have I don't know I don't want to feel so used I don't know I'm kind of stuck. oh yes I want to be able to impose a cost function on people. That's problematic when they can impose one on me but I can't impose one on them. That's hard. That's a really shitty situation to be in for whatever reason. I think people always said that the jerks get the girls kind of and I think that's good advice in a lot of parts in America toward a lot of people because you're always invisible towards certain people in certain places unless you can enforce costs and be dominant but in other places that's not necessary so it depends on the person and the place But in much of America it very much is the case and the intelligent conscientious hardworking person even the one who can flirt even the one who can do repartee gets used

Chase wrote about repartee and this British girl just gave it to me- this girl I'm talking to on WhatsApp who I met in Austin but you know what That's more than I'd ever get in one or two messages then I'd get in a whole fucking year or 5 years in Minneapolis. he writes about repartee but I think that's a culturally dependent thing.

"Have you annotated this one also? "

regarding this book she told me to get Gray's anatomy so in case I ever do BDSM aware of bodies and stuff

I told her I'd annotate her face lol

But seriously that's better than fucking that's more repartee than fucking 10 years here


A fool does the same thing and expects a different result But what about the wise man who's trapped? He tries to both find things that actually work and trying to find ways out And I have found ways out or at least a plan so we'll see how it goes.

I want to thank almost nobody not my mother not my father not my college or university not the pickup artist community none of them. none of them really help me not really no. it's sad but it's true. Metallica gave me more life advice or whatever then they ever gave me. I think a lot of these institutions really are pathetic or maybe they're optimized for something else but what the hell are my parents supposed to be optimized for? this city is like a nursing home coded culture and there's not a lot of love happening in nursing homes There's caretakers and there's Wards people like me pick up the slack by default or we starve here or we join a church for community, which is like a completely parallel world for real. it's amazing how many parallel worlds can exist but nothing quite satisfies. I want to revise my expectations downward I guess while doing all that I can. I guess I need to do this but there were a lot of things that really provoked me today and they weren't one-time things they're constant loads kind of things that are kind of serious that just don't stop coming it seems like so we'll see what happens I want to revise my expectations and my mentality so I have a defense. I want to let go. I don't regret buying these properties because it was action over in action and it was learning and only one of them is shit but it's a big shit but it could actually be useful but it's always I think going to be at least something more surface area so I got to get rid of it to have capital to move and lower surface area even if I could turn it around and make profit which I know I might be able to do in theory. I want to be able to revise my expectations change my frame or expand my frame to allow for what happened today because what happened today was just another day of shit another day of so much friction and incoming bullshit so I want to be able to change my mind. I never trust anything until something is assured. you act like things are going to be good but that's just optimism. I don't want to lean on optimism. so many people's optimism is fulfilled but that's because they don't see the infrastructure that other people are maintaining. I don't want to have to smile ironically. I don't want that. that indicates a state that is just coping kind of that's kind of disassociated that's pulled away from center that's not strong that's not dominant. there are people who control things and sometimes all you need to do is control the speed of something to reduce the number of people doing that thing. it's like a control rod All you need to do is create more friction or more slowness And all the sudden you get less service calls or whatever and that's the way the world works and I hate my dependencies I hate having them I need to reduce my dependencies because dependencies fail and they require active maintenance and replacements. yeah I'm exhausted but at least I'm less captured. I'd rather be exhausted as opposed to captured. I do not want to be captured. I will smile for business partners and competitors and enemies but that's different. That's functional utilitarian if you don't want to show weakness but I won't always smile for them. it's always hardest when you're in transition when you're crossing the pass and your men are subjected to assaults. I don't mind being exhausted as long as I'm not captured but it's exhausting and I want to make it through eventually to a good place because if I'm exhausted for the rest of my life I might as well be captured