I'm fukt

[odyseus]

this is so fucking crazy

today was a day where I made monumental progress in like six things that were stubborn and pressing in on me and didn't give me agency it's like everything aligned

I might get approved for a lot more money for my refi which will give me so much buffer. in three days I can sell my shit house without being under contract with the agent, The plumber fixed a different pending issue. I even met a woman yesterday for a meal by younger woman from church who hit me up

I've been feeling good today and I just met this couple at the tea shop who saw me reading books and we had a great conversation. They were so open. he was not from here go figure he was from the Dakotas. isn't that telling. They were so cool they were interested in Greek stuff and philosophy and stuff so we exchanged numbers

The other awesome thing is I had a showing a second showing with some younger women great people who want my unit which is vacant which I need to list and they are close to signing but now here's the thing

I've just been feeling good like naturally good like not pressed and not agitated.

The real thing is called agitation.

I guess this post is about agitation. agitation agitation agitation agitation agitation because today I was free of it it was almost miraculous how many things lined up and the weather was even nice

I know a lot of the good things did not close but I considered them high probability of closing really genuinely do

I've been under a state of agitation and irritation -- The kind of stuff that comes when agency is thwarted and I realized today that like I can do well if I just am allowed to have agency with anything and symmetry but when there's suppression of agency or lack of symmetry asymmetry that's when I struggle but I would crush things if I just had these fucking basics

so why am I in a pissy mood now? I'm becoming increasingly pissed off even though I had a great fucking day because the first thing that happened was the girls started talking about paying me later like at the end of the month and that could have just been a misunderstanding. I know they don't make that much but there's three of them and I'm looking to get someone in

But as I was walking home there was also a siren and all the sudden I became sensitive to it more than I would have otherwise. I think it's like a momentum shift when the cracks start appearing which I always knew there could be. I always knew that things don't close when they close but this was the first crack in this facade Plus I heard sirens again and now I hear him again now in my bed and also if I make typos in the system all the suddenly become sensitized to things

this is reagitation. this is pure agitation this is the topic of agitation mental agitation and agency suppression. it's fucked up and funny cuz it's all coming back to me. it's madness it drives me mad it drives me upset It attacks my sanity it attacks my poise my calm

how do people live in this reality and why don't they make reality better around them? this is fucked up and now I see the world as a prison again. it's funny how perception changes

I didn't like it before but I was seeing my escape vector

But now I see closure. There's closure and claw back. also how come whenever I'm voice transcribing whenever I had to say and it translates it as in and whenever I try to say in it translates it as and. It almost always does that fucking shit like it's fucking with me

It feels like the world fucks with me or even if it doesn't it feels like there's just too much friction and shit optionality.

to be clear today I had like four or five things go well amazingly and it's not like I became in a super good mood I've just felt normal I didn't feel agitated things felt smoother

But then the agitation returned with these little cracks. I called them insults in the past. They make me writhe and twist and just be agitated and annoyed

for sure financial buffer will help and my numbers came up way better. I guess I get a higher loan to value now plus appreciation might have happened so this will be very good and I got to sell the property that's causing me 90% of the grief and locking me into this shit city.

I wouldn't have been posting like this Even just an hour ago. it's funny how things collapse and crash internally and whatever. I just witnessed it straight it's like what the fuck. I know that life is full of fuckery and closure of opportunity or display of pseudo-opportunity to fuck with the brain and I know there's claw back too. Jesus said you have to be willing to give back the field to the owners of the field fuck this earth you know I fight for it but you can only fight so hard. fuck the illusions that they try to put over us the spells I want eyes to see and that means eyes to see the spells And the illusions and do the things that need to be done through the illusion behind the illusion so you get paid so you get respect so you get all that shit and you're not gaslit or yanked or jerked. That's what I'm talking about but I need surplus which I might be getting and getting even more by selling the other house which is the other thing I need to do and then moving out of this shit place. these are the things I need because this place is shit even when sometimes good things happen. oh the other thing was there is material progress on the eviction front. something I've been waiting for forever. it's just so crazy how many things happened at once that I've been waiting for for so long was in the span of mere hours

 

[odyseus]

had a pretty good day made some progress and things it's Friday got paid that the weekend a certain things I need to progress are progressing hallelujah - provisionally yada yada okay so I was leaving late night place where I study by my house. Lady just approaches me I've seen her around never talk to her she tells me bluntly that they're closing, though they still have a few minutes. I was in a book concentrating and she just comes out with tone.

this is subtle but here's the thing I'm in my 40s All right you got to understand where I'm coming from. this is why I posted to say that Minneapolis has a tone problem And I'm sensitive to tone. It affects my mood and here's the bullet points

- for years I ignored it because I gave people the benefit of the doubt naturally but now I don't. now I see it's a tone problem City. I was reading Greek stuff I was reading deep stuff and these guys work for minimum wage did she doesn't even walk over and say hello first or do any rapproachment. it's not just her it's just that I'm realizing this place has a tone problem And I'm worth more. What it does is it beats the ego down of men or whatever anyone who hears that tone. it's like what the fuck

- it's a lack of grace in both meanings of the word forbearance and forgiveness as well as elegance and style. this place has a grace problem, a grace deficit. they have just as much potential as anywhere They have intelligence actually underneath it all

- I'm starting to trust my body more and my body said that was stupid of them and then no longer giving systems the benefit the doubt because I always thought like how could people not mean well most people probably mean well and maybe they do mean well but I would also think well maybe I miss heard it or I won't even register it although I might feel subconsciously a little dampened but now things are clicking and they know how other places are where they look you in the eye and they'll say hi first so the age of understanding tone has already risen I've been thinking about that a little bit and now the age of benefits of the doubt is done

- I just had Tia to place earlier and I was talking to her and she was great It was slow and relaxed It wasn't very busy she's from Florida so maybe that makes a difference.

- despite their impersonal tone or rude kind of blunt tone which I don't take personally but still a shitty and still grinds people down and asks them to assume a lesser status and lesser ego confidence - FUCK THEM THE FUCKING ASSHOLES - amazingly because they're all performative jerk offs they'll ask you HOW ARE YOU And if they never met you. it's like mind your space I tolerate that question if you had any genuine warmth in it but it's all performative bullshit in the same person with the bad tone just will ask someone how they are

I know what it is it's fucking procedurism a procedures safest administrative rule based culture But it's not one for flourishing. The word flourishing has been in my mind for the better part of a year ever since I discovered Florence Italy where I've never been but Julius Caesar founded that city for his soldiers and named it on the idea of flourishing. I too I want to thrive not get by. people here just want to get by apparently. That's the vibe I get and their biggest pride is making rent every month which is good and during their daily job were just fine but even crossing a four-way street in a car seems like an accomplishment these days people haven't figured out how to go when they have an opportunity. people seem stunted. Little things seem like a big accomplishment to people

I just want them to have better tone.

now I met this girl who works at whole foods girl she was early 30s or even older and she was attractive and we got in a good 20 minute conversation she had a pious look about her But in a good way like a devoted nun or something which was kind of sexy

I got her Facebook message this was like a year ago and I posted about her before But even if there's clearly a connection and a mutual interest and respect, when you put anything even slightly to the test or the question would you like to meet up or talk or anything They squirm out of it. They act like what you're asking is such a big fucking deal God damn it The same things the same words the same ideas the same expressions in Austin Texas got yeses got honesty got reaction. The reaction these guys have is the pull back not with a look of horror But definitely a look of something that I might have crossed a line or else if I didn't cross a line that they have to really think about things it's like these things I'm talking about are not a big fucking deal and so that's what I'm living around and keep in mind..

- keep in mind none of these things can be great for a man's confidence. They both under mine a man's momentum and validation and score in the world period I remember several years ago hearing Jordan Peterson say (who im not that impressed by anymore- In fact kind of repelled by) he said if you have a problem with one person that might be them but if you have the same problem with multiple people it's probably you and you have to look at yourself and that's good news cuz you can fix yourself. That's grounds for optimism self-help you know. I would have known that shit before he said anything but and I believed it too at the time because I believed it on my own before he said it but now finally I see that that's bullshit. it's all the ecology stupid. okay maybe it can be either one but for me it's the ecology and for a lot of people I'm sure it's the ecology and he never mentioned that as an alternative idea.

fuck their tone

fuck their pride fuck their procedure fuck their pride in their smallness fuck their little pricks I'm closer to being freezing ever actually from this place because I know more I'm conscious and because things are coming to pass and they could always fail but I had a good day progress on multiple things last couple days and if I succeed in the next several months to escape looking back I probably say it's inevitable not because I'm gifted or anything but because to be honest I only really just set my mind to it this last November. I've always set my mind to growth and mastery but I only realized Minnesota was the piece of shit last November or I kind of realized it before but that's when things hardened hardcore so the stopwatch only started really going when I started trying and last winter this last winter because it's still late February- was largely hellish but I've made it through but again not to count my chickens too soon I'm not across the line yet

But fuck their tone

I'm going to try crack this woman. What I mean is I'm going to try to read her micro expressions try get inside her psyche make her think about me notice her try to get in her head because I believe that women here have not had a real man with polarity and I'm not sure they wanted or not but I think they even date or choose who to be with procedurally who checks the boxes but not the boxes of emotion or connections because I danced with this one girl who is attractive and only like a month later do they see who she was dating and I'm like what the frick The sex must be weird. she was an attractive woman in a way but girl next door and he was a chubby goofy person of color whatever. There's not a big deal there but he was chubby goofy and soft kind of like my dad only my dad's not chubby but I could also see how he might weaponize incompetence. exactly that type of person who knows how to manipulate emotions by being passive or whatever moralizing or being sly I guess. she can't be having amazing orgasms she can't be really fulfilled in the way that a woman can be fulfilled it's just so much procedure of bullshit and I'd be fine with people choosing who they choose but again I'm the one paying the cost. I get rejected disproportionately so that these guys can get accepted because our category systems are so different.

I've been learning a lot about category systems thinking about them

A lot of the things I am they have no categories for but they have very hard categories for other things. I guess any hyper procedures culture has to make a name for all the steps of a thing all the behaviors and so they make a big deal about mundane things. They don't really understand flow or fluidity they understand procedural flow that is steps and shit and their own kind of informal But yet rigid kind of formal categories. it's like if someone got a degree in something there the expert all the sudden without even proving it just because they have a degree. they're deferential to credentials

- aside from all of this I realized they are a culture very much on autopilot as well and I'm very much not. That's the whole method of becoming sovereign is to slow down and to stop being on autopilot. We are so fucking different yet we occupy the same space and I'm not like the church either that's a parallel culture that is in some ways better but still very much minnesotan

first and foremost I want to leave but while I'm here I want to bring heat to them as much as I can I want to shake their category systems which I have not done a good job explaining. it's kind of like commodus in gladiator before he kills his father. his virtues were not seen and they were seen as vices that's exactly me cuz I have energy heat chat GPT calls it intensity but I don't agree that it's intensity. I just I don't even call it aliveness or even soul. Spirit is getting close to it I'll take spirit but it's just normality. it's not even authenticity necessarily it's just not being a numbskull

- But my body is my compass and if my body says their tone was not good like it should have been I'm trusting my body because for decades I gave the benefit of the doubt being a bonne homme But there are places that really are vicious really are petty really are pathetic, whole societies and I'm living in one and its crazy to believe

you got to come at them maybe with mad eyes. nobody can argue against open eyes nobody that's impossible to argue against but it's very time sensitive you got to have the open eyes at the exact right moment. you can even have mad eyes that mad look that's totally valid and the right thing sometimes

The people here are fucking weird. I can't imagine how their sex must be or when they do it or whatever. it's like everything they do is holy but not in a spiritual sort of way but in a way that they must not mess up everything is high stakes But they dump their tone on us fuck it's exhausting

decades benefit of doubt termination better city better market. All is market I'm seeing that now because even in real estate all is market all is market and if you have a good market cuz it was slow for a while on a unit if you have a good market god that makes life so much better in the market has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with the product. That's a separate question. I'm just talking about the market given that you have a good product- an otherwise good product. I know that Minneapolis is optimizing for different things that are I guess in some ways valid but it's fucking graceless and I think it's sad what they don't experience ever maybe in their personal life and they never travel really. They internalize guilt for things they did because the society induced it. They need to shed all that shit. I'm thinking the two of the nicer younger 40s women that work there as I say this who are so nice and warm and they were alcoholics in the past which you don't think of for women. again- everything in this state is reversed. Men take on the female role and women take on the masculine role And those women talked about how they were drug and alcohol abusers and have only been sober and clean relatively recently when they got that job and that surprised me because they don't look that type but society has convinced them that they have some kind of original temptation sin or whatever or they did something bad when really the society is toxic. it's the great white desert. it's the men of the nights watch city, cold and lifeless.

so I want to find ways I guess to express disapproval in body language. I didn't look anyone in the eyes I was leaving because you can't give what you don't owe. What I mean is you shouldn't give what you don't owe when they do not meet you halfway. I'm not naturally a man that likes to calculate or hold back even if he was stung or whatever I like to be bigger and I like to give But giving back or whatever is robbing them of signal that they need. it's validating what they did I guess. you can't do it you can't do it you got to be strong. I think people need to be hard on the inside but soft on the outside like a soft hand like strong systems are. A strong system will be so soft on the outside nudging you that you don't even know it's doing it but if you try to go against it you'll see how hard it really is and I've been seeing a lot of that lately. Minneapolis is one such one well so that's how I have to be but yeah

fucking tone.

 

[odyseus]

now it's Saturday. everything is tentative always and in a larger time bound context but things seem to be progressing forward for me on multiple fronts. if ever I held anything as certain, now I do not. I know what increases odds though- good labor, insight, seeing, resting and integrating and having clear eyes

I just heard briefly from a raven that we might be at war with Iran.

There's been horn talking outside my place not to do with that who knows what- maybe it's regular traffic, maybe its ICE protesting But whatever the reason it's noise pollution but I was surprisingly stable comparatively-- And that's my goal. now we come to the level of analysis of agitation

agitation is not good. internal spiritual stability is good. so many things are agitating whether by accident or by design or by failing to remediate which is kind of a vote in favor. I'm talking about living from the gut. I'm talking about being centered in the gut but living from the entire self rather. not much needs to be said about agitation. It is what it is. it's a tool of the system

everyone can do a little bit of self-help on this earth but everyone is part of a bigger frame a bigger system, of constraints, gradients, architecture, degrees of freedom and conditional ones at that- thresholds and boundaries and trigger points

the system limits potential even if it doesn't seem that way. there's nothing like open eyes- and a feeling but non reacting body. the world wishes to induce reaction. not all systems are equal. some are eternal some have lifecycles, some are on their dying breaths or are otherwise desperate. don't get caught. be still. most don't intent harm- they just long for stability, predictability, load transfer and low variance. guess who pays the cost? many are cyclic. when one learns the patterns and interfaces, one can minimize harm or cost. one can impose cost or become illegible or invisible. some are paper tigers. some are soft on the surface- and you don't know their forcefulness, or lack thereof until you try to push back

the goal is not to be a conservative or a reactionary

one has to sometimes contract

the system or systems or entities often try to induce extensions- bait or whatever. every trick us used, pressure, compulsion, sweetness, noise. you know the way. the way is contraction and observation. few people observe or have that capability. i am not rich. some people are. i wonder how they think. i think they probably vary but i just heard a tate vid. maybe many have great social and system awareness. others get wealthy from privilege networks and scaffolding or monomaniacle focus, missing the humanities. some may be rather aware.

don't bend, don't buckle. become well tempered steel by the stress and bathe cycle not fatigued and brittle. contract one's sexuality if necessary and manhood. that is hard here because women are also not going to make the move or even be playful. it is hard because they have category systems. different people and personalities get highly privileged although to me it is a faustian bargain. because there are offensive things. contracting sexuality like a power coil with sharper eyes should work but they are hard cases here. you might be in for torture and drought. they make a man do everything, carry everybody, ZERO scaffolding and against resistance and insult. the outcome is brokenness, collapse, surrender or sovereignty. i try be square-- with people. the more crooked or evasive they are or jacobian (the rule hacker vs esau the hunter) the more squared off i try to force them to be. they hate that- cockroaches. maybe that's unfair but its definitely a different system here and they are almost ALL well tuned

if you want to make love to a french woman, it helps to be in france.

contraction may reduce agitation. some things force extension, like work, like responsibilities and duties and advisable risks. i constantly fall or topple or buckle and reset and build back better. i try anyway but is it a lie? agitate and compress. encircle, double envelope and enclose or agitate. the spirit has always had to find a way through the cracks

 

[odyseus]

so I wanted to talk about leadership and how that's attractive to women - I mean leading them and their frames

a note: I keep bashing Minnesota and I haven't always done that it's only been this last year and really only the last several months but I've studied so many things about game and pickup and other things over the years and I remind everyone that I got three dates and almost three more without even trying in Austin Texas and elsewhere when I travel. it's the main theme and I'm not going to be here much longer I foresee so you engage with what's in season. I want to hit this from every angle while I'm still here

so back to leadership - I was thinking about posting this when I recalled a young beautiful cute short woman who worked at a booth who was playful with me at the Renaissance festival and they thought well you know what I'm on vacation it can be so much easier to pull someone because we're in a different world but I was thinking what if I can do the same thing to someone here in Minnesota pull them into a different world frame-wise and imagination and fantasy-wise and so that's what made me think about this

And then I thought how Minnesota and protestantism in general because well I'll get to it but I think this place actively opposes male leadership so you have a thing that's good and you have opposition to it. I called that a shear force or something. you often have counter forces here to what I think are both good and natural. I always say to each their own but a lot of this is not organic. what's ones own is what's organic, not what's put in there

I was actually kind of getting into John Locke of all people because I know so little about him and my intuition has just been steering me to him social contract theory maybe but he's a prime enlightenment figure and I don't know that much about that so I wanted to learn about him and also maybe a private property apologist or something The father of the modern age kind of so I don't know I was just kind of drawn to him

The English Puritans are a lot like minnesotans I think. they're so puritanic of whatever topic it has to be that they're obsessed about. they're all into purity culture and too much of "good" doing. They need to relax and find the body in my opinion.

anyway male leadership is good- I think women like it. Even strong women when done right because what it means is a couple different things. that word is doing a lot of lifting I think. first of all when you lead like in dance you also read their rhythms and read their bodies read their needs and if they don't have a specific need you can do as you will and they'll follow you maybe. that can be scary sometimes in some cases but that is also powerful But you're in tune with their needs if you're a good leader but it also means.. other things

I don't think they primarily find themselves attracted to leaders just in the abstract like oh he's a leader although I do think if he's a leader of men or a potential leader they will find attraction based on the status there but I think a lot of it's the actual leading them into states. it's the actual present value they get. it's not even that they have an unconscious thought oh he's a leader although that might come up but more like I feel this way now now I feel that way

But I think all these things Minnesota resists at every turn. It resists male leadership almost categorically. I'm not saying it is strong enough to completely prevent it but I'm saying it throws up forms of resistance But I don't think it resists leadership in general. I think it supports certain categories having leadership- female relationship leadership or whatever. I'm just saying to the degree that the pickup artist dating community says it's good to be a leader I think that gets opposed to some degree here culturally and by culturally I mean psychologically and by psychologically I mean in almost everyone's mind because what I found is that their culture has a very high coverage ratio and by very high I mean really really very high almost complete. 99% level even on cultural ideas.

I remember shark ranko magami saying women are like stones they'll stay where you put them and I heard that 20 odd years ago when I had the Midwest in my background and I thought about what he said and I believed him but on the other hand it didn't really resonate with what I experienced so I assumed I wasn't mad enough yet or whatever but it turns out it's the culture and I can handle strong smart women. they're the best but not when they're wired up a certain way. I'm not as attracted to them. I love German women who are highly educated. anyway I remember him saying that and it did not fit with my experience although I discounted my experience to believe him and I think he's right when it comes to most of the world and most of history but modernity as well as the West and the Protestant West especially the intersection between those two is kind of novel

anyway I'm feeling all right now I'm not agitated or anything although that possibility always exists. just a little too much noise a little too much whatever and it's going to come back. this world is a labyrinth and you have to find your way through the cracks. this world is a crazy place for the spirit. They killed the Ayatollah today. We have people saying things are good like being a leader then we have the actual world which throws the challenge. As always my body is my compass and I learn to see frames and systems. My balls are sacrosanct. it's like Tony Montana says my word and my balls.

too much irony too little spirit too much boilerplate too much challenge too much invalidation, need higher order solutions but I'm just observing- how much of said things there are

I've never chosen a place to live yet based on quiet as a parameter as the main parameter almost and it's 11:53 p.m. and I hear car noises or motorcycle and it's only going to get worse as the weather gets better unfortunately I think but anyway---

I'm thinking more about the spirit. even if there is no eternal spirit independent of the flesh there still is a spirit as such and that's what I'm thinking about. it's about decoupling and escaping through the cracks through the cage through the madness of this asylum.. And it is an asylum -- of the insane. it's about keeping ones sanity which is winning

 

[odyseus]

the spirit is captured- for most people- in so many ways with so many straps- in myself too largely probably but it can free itself-- ironically or coincidentally though only when it sees and understands and accepts how captured it gets and it is and how.

it largely comes down to perception- but also distraction. tate says the iran us war is face saving preplanned theater. its an intriguing idea. i consider myself rational and grounded but with little facts or time to gather them but it can be.

perception wise- oh my gosh and agitation. i am getting agitated right now by street noise at 233am. really, world? agitation is a problem for my progress. agitation unsettles me but the answer always is more open eyes, and more calm breathing. I'm watching the Terminator Two- Judgment Day right now, lol

I'm reminiscing cognitively without grief about women of past i could have had kids with- two, limber and smart, tatiana and milda. i think it will happen someday. I'm almost done with the greek i book, just finishing up on alexander and his relation to homer. i studied some vector calculus today, reviewing old stuff. i really care about open eyes though. there's a loud high pitched rev again. warmer temp comes noise idiots. my whole life noise agitated me- when I'm thinking or doing mental work of course. open eyes is obviously better than book learning.

i read some of this psychologist today, James Gibson who i only just heard of, who wrote about perception, building an alternate theory that I hardly know anything about but challenges the conventional theory that we don't perceive the world directly and things combine in our brain in some not yet understood way. he says not so. its intriguing. he grew up around nature. i think a lot of psychologists grew up and were tuned around cities and books

dam its 241am and i heard another rev anc then a horn. this is not normal. it spikes something in me and it is really agitating me now. those people don't deserve good lives. there you have it, another destabalizing mechanism as insurance companies and everybody tries to stabalize themselves on you. companies and these drivers try to stabalize themselves on you or the public

i think the world runs on destabalizing people- haircutting them.

imagine being so stable in the nervous system and spine. all these shocks consume capital stock. american cities are so shittely designed- a wealthy country that can't pay for education and health and education is worse for that- infantalizing because lenders want proof. proof is expensive, of anything. the inferior product cost more.

it's for me like pushing a really big ball and getting it rolling. that might be like one of my sayings of what the kingdom is like.

it's like always having a scowl on your forehead even when you're happy in the moment because you know that shit is just around the corner

edit: I got cognitively overwhelmed and forgot what I was going to post -

In the past maybe our struggle was against steel and famine but now the capturing mechanisms are soft and subtle. there is a lot of attrition psychological "warfare" if you want to call it that. I don't need to dominate and I never needed to be high status but I realize I need some of these things operationally just to live. I don't need these things for my sense of personal vanity but the world runs on such social capital- otherwise it depeives you of life, love and girlfriend

It tries to get you with A. if I can't get you with A it tries to get you with B; if not b then C if not see then d. you must literally pass every check everyday. I wonder how much this is arising from the fact that I'm in Minneapolis and maybe I have an inferiority complex I'm not sure or an attunement to things being at a certain difficulty level that they wouldn't have been at and I wouldn't have had a grown up somewhere else. In any case this is my reality and I think I'm rational. That's my pathology is I'm rational in a mad world, with eyes to see in a rigged world

 

[odyseus]

eureka, about some things

I'm not going to categorize or taxonomize things cleanly tidy- that is partition the mistake or problem space, but i do have a category, a major axis to add

first, i know that i made the mistake of being born in a family and culture that didn't provide but resisted my growth in powerful directions- and i am not talking hubristically. i am not saying i should have had phillip of makedon as a father but they not only supported and validated but repressed sexuality and repressed career and so on, even when i displayed a drive in both.

and relatedly i missed milestones and gains and checkpoints that would have generated positive feedback matthew effects or even normal support

shame

but thats the growth stunting

completely independent is the market problem

daniel priestly says you need to build your market (curate) and then sell. i definitely think i have been valient in my striving absolutely SHITTY in my market selection, and thats on me

NOW- I'm at a coffee shop late sunday warming weather end of feb, vibe is great here, got work and study done. its popping here all the sudden- no complaints. its like a new city- but only kind of.

theres more energy and aliveness and presence but its still conditional and still minnesotan.

i like smart women. i got the number of a smart german woman prof in boston airport. she looked up at me with those eyes. i do well with intelligence and i prefer it but here i submit for evidence (and i have often overheard the same):

women are smart here too but it is a differernt kind. they are discussing their academics and life in small groups. they are analytical and drilling their knowledge, whether sociology or biology or whatever. they are parsing everything.

it feels masculine coded. it feels rigid and it feels - well i dont know.

its kind of intimidating, not because i lack the same because i dont. I'm objectively knowledgeable and smart. not because i need them to be dumb so i can mansplain. its different. i dont know what and i dont have the words for sure but maybe its like the (young attractive) woman that makes 40k a year at a mundane job, enough to get her own apartment and shes like "i dont need a man, and more, i dont need sexuality, femininity, but i still want to look beautiful and together). its how they use it maybe. theres no market, theres no hungrr and maybe they date and even be feminine behind closed doors- maybe maybe not but if so its so compartmentalized but--

i do NOT know how to either desribe or argue the specifics of market problems in this context. I'm taking stabs but i feel it. i FEEL and realize it- a major MAJOR problem in my life for most of it has been market selection. if you want to fuck french women, it helps to live in france lol- a new maxim i made up and am using. duh captain obvious right?

i dont know if this is what I'm feeling or getting at but i will hypothesize and stab at the market nature I'm seeing right now, in this specific context but there are other market weaknesses here, even when there are single cute women-

1. there are strict market lacks (which is not true here)
2. there are market availabilities with shitty cost functions- either unaffordable for me, my personality or distasteful and unpleasant (bad fit)
3. there are the same as number two but from her perspective, unwillingness, illegibility of myself or invisibility or distaste on my end or men in general- a theoretical interest in men of a type but a restricted type or else no general availability, grace or accomodation/affordance. cold, icy, frigid might be adj some use but i dont want to

just a shitty market

so maybe what I'm seeing here is low social permeability- ability to enter someones world and get taken seriously - and maybe low hunger and low attention surplus as they're already pre committed to other things like their career - and that can attack attention but that doesn't seem to be a problem in other cultures with striving women, like germany or poland. maybe its a but for thing. in life and complex systems there can be many interrelated and conditional variables and the blame function is hard to run on all variables in such systems - like the cause of the 2008 crash. some things are definitely to blame- shitty ratings by credit rating systems and bad lending but many variables are only conditionally to blame based on regimes set by other variables

any way, one thing is for sure. I'm trying to describe the market and why it sucks but what is true is this is shitty markets

 

[odyseus]

There's just no life here. I'm telling myself that to remind myself. it's 1:30 a.m. on the eve of a new work week. this is not me being miserable I'm kind of relaxed right now but I was just out tonight reading and shit and now I'm just watching a stupid movie disaster movie kind of funny takes your back to older days- something was different about the cultural energy in those days not that long ago

But I saw how social people were today as often I do with each other but not permeable not penetratable in the emotional sense either AND I just remembered the call I had with Georgia from England a month ago who called me who I met in Austin and we talked for like 3 hours in the last hour she was talking about bdsm and she told me about the community. she says she's peripheral in it more admin but who the hell knows but the point is that's the exact opposite of the spirit you'd ever get here it's so dry it's so austere it's so nothing it's not even normal relationships it's no relationships no sex nothing all work work follow rules reduce all risk I'm not talking about myself I'm talking about how other people act

honestly they are the most phobic of any kind of risk I've met in the world

And how expensive that is

And how I've always had appetite for risk and desire for pleasure and all that stuff willingness to be something but yet I've been stupidly stuck here in this market because I didn't know any better maybe I've been afraid of risk but I don't think so I think I've just been stuck here with no scaffolding no networks that could make the path easier in the short run. I was maybe stuck In a local minimum in a basin that kept me from traveling where it was better I don't know but it's just a desert here because the little things I remember there's so much life elsewhere. it's just like you're suspended in the head here you get no feedback you get no eye contact and when you do it's flat eye contact you get no life in the eyes you get no flirtation no polarity nothing you get seriousness actually just when someone says something basic to you like everything has so much gravity It makes you feel weird. I haven't internalized any of it don't get me wrong but it feels weird even when it crosses your external senses. they're so far from life and so I'm going to move and things seem to be going well in so far as it seems like I have a clear path and it seems I'm about to get funded in some way all of which are really going to be helpful and it seems that the spring is coming And I rented my vacant unit one of the bigger ones but anything can change I'm well aware of that so I will always continue to do what I think is best in the moment but my God it's a desert here socially sexually and worse than that whether by default or design it conspires to make you feel that you're the problem that you're too much that you're immoral and I don't internalize that by the way I'm very good at resisting that internalization but I'm still in that kind of field in that kind of gravity system. I got sucked into this black hole I guess But I'm about to be shot out I believe and then I'm going to start living I believe or I hope. I will have more money coming up and all throughout my future I believe because of monthly rents and equity but we will see anything can be clawed back that is for sure that is for sure. beware of the claw just as you need to be aware of the clock. That's my advice for today. so flat so rule obsessed so grave about shit And so self-important

 

[odyseus]

at this urban coffee shop late at night- got my messages out for selling my property. damn i know what its like to get hit up- hot woman syndrome

its hot here- they must have the thermostat at 90 lol. I'm not doing bad. had good month financially apparently but i wanted to note something. i often post here when I'm angry, or else at home with time and so i want to sample more phases of the wave or signal to paint a fuller picture. if it comes out the same, good on me for being objective

I'm at this place

there is a girl student table. not that cute not not ugly

i overhear them talking, their dominant presence as well as many others talking and conversing but this group, they have I think no will to connect or engage and they talk in irony. one girl says to the other "ill be your date"

my point? simply this- they're very modern and very Minneapolis and very much of both and not a bone in them as in many is willing even slightly to have an honest polar connection, or even an acknowledgement

it is invisible. I'm not bummed now although I'm getting this way writing this- hmm. but its still an observation i keep. one must observe

irony in the modern era especially this Uber thick form and related symptoms of avoidance - it is impossible to break through. search for gifs of something on Facebook. i seached for peaceful or meditation face or something - more often you get the fake ironic mocking or humorous - never the real -- sometimes that's not even an option

david foster wallace you'd hate this place

low capacity

i met this girl here last year, when i was surging in confidence for some reason - thats happened before, a wave of confidence. i was getting into ovid at the time but thats not the reason. i was getting into lover frame as opposed to king or whatever but i guess work and koad pulled me away. its a fragile load

anyway i met this girl and i could feel a polar connection. it was when i came here late at night to use gpt for the first time in depth for self growth. thats ebbed. i use it every day now still but for multiple reasons and not the long sessions. maybe later. anyway my point i met someone and had polarity with and kicked myself for giving my snap but not getting her number. felt great afterward but later grew regret. anyway its all good and i saw her more times. shes cool-- and a student at University -- but she was from Chicago

i was in an upward arc and she was from chicago

i shot my shot with her later but anyway I don't need to sleep with everybody. she'd be a good friend, genuinely. i wonder if shes around but she was from chicago. she also listened to me and took my opinions seriously. i got her curious for sure just by my proximity and body language. it's weird the combination of things that make a difference. some is me, some is them and some is the season and we're not even talking about anything macro or overt, but subtle but i think here theres a will generally to avoid. they will to avoid anything that can make a genuine connection, or show respect. its like blanket ignoring and i know it tames men here. its like the long game, the lack of oxygen. that's why i have yo work on my aura, as defence -- and the way women speak- it is with confidence bordering on dominance. they are often in groups, they occupy space and central space as now, they even talk in stem and math language, and i never see men or hetero men doing the same. these i think send subtle dominance signsls in the world or establish and maintain norms and women can be smart and confident but feminine and connecting but these are hoarders, insular, impermeable

I'm just being a sociolgist. it is a society

i have to tell myself many things - got these properties, got a good job, learning to speak greek, travel the world, healthy at 40 but the vibe doesn't give anything for honor. the church gave a lot and truste easily but demands credulity or whatever

to be clear i want to live on my own rhythm here and logical frame, not entraining to groups necessarily, not in a way that absorbs me. i have my purposes but they produce gravity. its like elsa the dance instructor - hot. im sure she liked me but she always had to have an ironic face. she has all this gravity and seriousness in the studio, her studio. they can't let go for shit. it is probably like ovid in exile in that city. not so much no oxygen but no food anyway

I'm trying to hold my frame against the whole world frame here. I'm leaving now, finished my work. doing an FSBO, started yesterday pretty much. If i can sell that i am so much more free

i dont think i messed up that much in life i terms of what i did. i think i fucked up where i did it. i paid a HUGE life tax, almost tragic and depressing and heavy considering the loss. nobody needs to optimize life or anything. nobody needs the best but I think the cost here was great and i am selling my most Minneapolis like property and the proceeds will give me escape fuel and the attention load will also be gone so help me gods. anyway cant break the system phalanx even to just be, not to date. other men are blessed and make it seem easy, feel like victors but they just have women who are women, because they come from better places. they may not be bad here. they're just so focused and fixated on their things, their idols- degrees, responsibilities, norms, etc. theres no space left or flexibility but do they have to replace it all with irony, ironic statements? thats when it feels they have really sold out and worship certain gods but I don't know- irony and avoidance- of eye contact and authenticity is also cultural so I don't know. solution - sell and move and go where life can be enjoyed. selling to me is existential

 

[odyseus]

systems - I can honor different internalized rules and codes as long as systems give me valid paths as long as they give me oxygen and breathing room. I could clean up well and honor them but when they don't give me that they are bad faith they are over constrained they are rigged games And there are two types of rigged games- those you can win anyway and those you can't.

All I need is a valid path or valid paths but I'm not seeing those. what I needed was eyes to see the system as it is so I need contrast like crocodile Dundee going to New York. it's over constrained for my personality type maybe but in general anyone with polarity anyone with life inside of them anyone who wants a family outside of the church anyone who wants recognition and eye contact and even basic conversation. I should have known this. maybe I was deceiving myself a little bit and deluding myself- about this place in particular and more foolish about overcoming it through my own power of will- I'm talking 10 years ago. I underestimated many things. All I need is a valid path The system can be whatever it wants in general but when it closes the gates, And when it lies about the path and when it inverts virtue and vice at least according to my reckoning- It gets a little fucked up. it's a little illegitimate if it doesn't give paths. I turn myself inside and out.

that expression is worth hanging on. I'm kind of literally doing that in the bath turning myself inside and out being reborn externalizing and that involves judging but true judging with insight. this place has always made me turn myself inside and out And I always thought I needed more work or whatever or more momentum but it was always the place and it's values. I turn myself inside and out and I hold the frame those two things alone explain a lot. if you know those things you can understand a lot about what I feel and think given any system. it's very physiological and cognitive at the same time. I'm not trying to be a rebel I'm not trying to be stubborn I'm trying to be stable and secured and purposeful and honorable and seeking of my due and deserved pleasure and share of life. I turn myself inside and out and I get eyes to see at least I think I do and I hold my frame and it becomes more durable at least I think it does and yet the system around me stays exactly the same so it's pushing me out hard. I just need to finish some items of business

 

[Dave_77]

i got back from the freezing cold finishing some financial type stmts on a property in hopes of selling.. and i will have to "sell" this. i will be taking a haircut. if i get extra money from my heloc refi i will have glorious buffer. renting to Isaiah the plumber maybe was a mistake. he dinged me for 2k in appliance upgrades and i still haven't seen a months rent for work done. these are in a way forced capital improvements. i don't like fighting tenants for dollars. they exhaust me. i picked him and he's a let down communication wise though he's friendly but having been through what i went through, it is nice having a plumber on site. the last guy was utterly filthy and somewhat threatening and anxious about legal shit but he did pay and i didn't need to replace things. i am living in a high constraint space situation.

i got home from the cold dark elsewhere and cooked a bavette steak and now I'm laying in bed 751 pm recharging my phone and sitar music came on.

it was relaxing

it is intrinsically superior to western dogmatism. why do people keep subscribing to that frame? i think its fear, dominance of it culturally and them not seeing alternatives

i am sinking, financially, and am thin business wise. my personal account might have to bail out my business accounts and i hate to do this, on principle.

if/when i have good months, things rise. at one property i basically have 3/4 non paying units (vacancy + eviction + this labor credit claimer). that's also the property that causes the most expense, like this door kick in that cost me 1200- and some trust and future certainty.

i did not want to put anything on cc now that i paid it off 20,000 of it a few months ago But I might have to if I don't want to bail out the business with my personal. I put his 1200 on the credit card and we'll see what month end does. What the next month brings us. I know I have some expensive utility payments due in March from January's usage. Best thing that could happen is I get extra money from the HELOC 10 or 20,000. I am getting 4500 back from taxes when Treasury gets around to it. I know the next couple months will be better once I fill my places and get dickhead evicted. In a few months I could have four paying tenants in the fourplex which would make that property break even in a good month but not dragging the whole behind

funnily, that property represents Minneapolis Minnesota in such a nutshell. It is right there in the heart of it. It has a diverse range of tenants on each floor and Minneapolis throws everything it can against it - regulation, garbage dumping pipe bursting non-payment with 30-day notice requirements snow and ice removal, door break-ins etc

I don't know why I'm not in a worse mood

I got work tomorrow which is not that bad I work from home but it's not that meaningful either. I'm grateful to an extent but it's also a prison kind of.

I am living a life of quiet desperation. I never intended for this to be the case and I always thought I was passionate and I thought that passion would see me through but I chose the wrong community for passion. maybe they capture my passion and they exploit me and pick me apart. there could be truth in that. In any case I made choices that led me to this life of quiet desperation. I'm perplexed.

but listening to the sitar, it doesn't hurt. it can only do so much but it puts things in contrast.

I'm going to dinner with a cute much younger woman I knew from church on Wednesday. I'm taking her to this place. she called being really charming. I know she's going to hit me up for money cuz she's a missionary now full time. there was chemistry. I don't know what I'm going to tell her or how I'm going to be able to connect. everything here even when there is chemistry is so conditional. everything is based on vetting. no matter what side of the aisle you're on or whatever, everything is about vetting

this kind of stuff is serious - people get serious about religion and belief. I care about cash flow solvency and preventing recurrence of shit.

I'm basically in the path of Minneapolis dumping on me in more ways than one culturally and real estate wise. none of my seven other properties cause any of this problem

this property is the reason why I'm in this precarious place. $30,000 of repairs basically - forced capital expenditure In the last year and now three non-paying units. I have someone moving into one in a couple months and she's on voucher so that'll be $2,000 a month very consistently but I'll have to do some repairs to get it up to standard.

if she hasn't given her notice yet I'm thinking about letting someone else take it if they can move in more quickly. I like to be a man of honor but she could always back out and screw me and I don't have surplus. if she's giving her notice that's a commitment to me that's a signal that she's true and she's going to be a great tenant so then I wouldn't

when the guy above is evicted and I'm going to take pleasure in that then I can list that. I screwed up with him by being too slow early on but I'd never done an eviction. The city makes it hard. everything has to be perfect. anyway I'm going to take pleasure in that eviction

if I can get $20,000 extra from my refi- And it could happen this week or next- plus the 4, 500 from my tax- I deserve 10,000 but they suspend passive activity losses past a certain point Even though there was real cash outflow- then I'll be sitting really good to survive this period and also get to the point where I can maybe sell it even at a steep loss but it's possible I could lose my job in theory and then I don't get the refi probably or maybe and then I don't have the extra money to support these properties and then what happens I sell sell sell And then I'm free. then I'm free again to just go anywhere without having to worry about this shit.

I'm not going to lose my job. The odds of me losing my job when they just gave me a 1% raise cuz that's all they could afford when they just gave me a passing review is almost zero but anyway that's how things could theoretically happen. after this reply though the loan will be 10 years fixed not this two year crap

I've gone through hardship a lot of times or precarity. I don't want to lean on anybody not because I'm against that but because I don't like the people who I would have to lean on. I don't like my father. he inherited so much and he has so little wisdom or even understanding about what his kids are going through so little ability to listen he's always replying scripts from religion and church in his mind and I found out by chat GPT that everything he does is to try to bring us back in the fold - nod in agreement, be "likeable" etc. I said before I have daddy issues and they increase every year it seems like the older and wiser I get or more experienced.

never underestimate inheritance never underestimate terrain/culture. these things can affect you more than virtue. More than heart. They can explain why one man has in the other one doesn't having nothing to do with character.

getting rid of this property is the most anti Minneapolis thing I can do.

It doesn't look that bad and most of the things are people problems in one way or the other and I know I might be selling it after I put in most of the fixes and when it's going to get easy in theory and I'm totally fine with that In fact I'm happy with that because that means the buyer doesn't have to deal with a bunch of shit. I won't mind that if it was a high capital buyer that can absorb that volatility because it's a long-term good play but I wouldn't want some individual to have to deal with a bunch of shit. I still care a little bit. I still have equity from all my other places plus my cash flow will be a lot better. I will have freedom I will have years back. this one was a loss leader anyway I got me the others as long as those don't fuck up in the future. maybe I'll sell those in 10 years who knows. when I'm not underwater with those. technically I'm underwater and was underwater when I bought the place but that's just a technicality. I bought the place on good terms long-term balloon payment I mean long-term almost 30 year so i doubt I'll be underwater when it comes due

But anything can happen. I want to decouple from need, from attachment

I want to say one more thing. There's this theory that's becoming more clear. I'd call it inductor theory. there are these real type of things called inductors sociologically that are so powerful they capture the nervous system. That's pretty much it that's pretty much my whole theory. The idea is though that it's bad when they do. They don't have your own best interest at heart. They are so powerful few can resist them. how do you even begin to resist them? how do you prepare resistance, prepare fortification etc? these inductors get you in a stupor. I don't want to play the game not even with nice guys not even genuinely nice guys. there is this nice guy that I genuinely like that I met at the place where we meet to learn Japanese. He's an interesting guy does card tricks But this morning he asked me how I was. Minnesota's do that check in. yeah what if I'm doing shitty? I do feel like I'm doing shitty and I don't feel obligated to explain. why must I always explain? That's a Van Morrison song and the older I get the more I become like him and understand him. I don't need to be checked in on and I don't know how to give a negative answer so that made it weird between us. this is social bonds. They can be a form of induction. induction is everywhere. It causes drift. when you start to decouple and become free in the nervous system life becomes a journey and you start to see forces all around you resisting you that were probably already always there but you didn't notice them so they feel new to you and threatening at first but then you become aware of them as impersonal forces. it's all about open eyes but it's hard - it's hard because you can't emotionally attach too much to anything. It would be so easy for me to freak out and get angry and I have - about what's going on with my finances and real estate. I don't want to need a bailout. I'm happy doing a fire sale especially on that one property. I don't want to give up my frame that is my spirit. I don't want to be swallowed or I told you so'd. so many things aligned to send me back and they were all with this one property every single one of them that really set me back and every single one of them was very minneapolis-like: bum tenants especially

It is what it is. if I don't get any more than what I originally borrowed that is a perfect roll forward then I may have to dip into my private capital but even that can only go so far. I'm in the selling season for that house but even the sale will take time.

it's funny the world has a way of pressing a person doesn't it. then again things could maybe just turn around in the next few months. oh also in May I will owe $5,000 to the county for semi-annual taxes on this building. granted I can put that on my credit card. It would be very helpful to get extra money on this HELOC refi as well as sell this property. like I said I was able to pay my $20,000 debt from last September around February. It took longer than I thought and in a good month I actually would make $7-8,000 cash flow I calculated which is insane just from real estate but I've never had one of those not since I closed on my eighth property. that would totally fucking destroy things. I might get $4,000 paid by a different tenant who's behind that much but he's a nice guy good communicator if he gets assistance. that will help a lot but even that will only go so far at this point lol And what next is coming down the pipe?

The thing is it's all this one house. There's other things that other buildings but 90% of it's this one place. this one place is really sinking me and it's really challenging me. The thing is I'm trying to not flinch. I'm trying to be the man. I'm trying to play the man and not the needy boy. I'm trying to stay emotionally stable and it's trying to do everything it can to destabilize me. That's really how my nervous system processes this. I mean I feel that in my lines and also I should add I have pretty much nobody. I have friends and stuff but they can't help me. I have no lover even if I did I don't want to dump on them my anxiety or something I don't know. I don't even know how that works do they hate it? I hear they hate it but I never even had a relationship like that to know.

does one not call this servitude? The word for slave in Roman Latin was servus.

I guess it's the world's turn. I feel like things go in turns. it's their turn to beat me and then it will be my turn to respond when they're done. I don't think I get to decide.

I don't think I can resist. i mean how am I supposed to resist? it's going to do what it does the universe the world is just bigger than me. I don't have any actual control over what it decides. I can only decide how to respond. hell you know what. I could just say fucking take this back take it back for free I don't want it I paid you $70,000 and I put in about 70k more. just fucking take it if I was with my back against the wall. I would say please at least give me maybe $40,000 credit against my interest payments to you for other properties or something but take this off my hands you got the system you got the ability to manage but we're not there yet but that's what I'm thinking could be the case.

maybe I'm being melodramatic and overreacting. I actually think my words and thoughts seem that way precisely when I try to make my body under react not move not flinch not try to shake it off. just let it sink in. just take this property off my hands please just give me 30 or 40 or 50 or $60,000 credit against interest payments and you can resell it to someone else and get paid again. We will see.

beware of the inductors. they're everywhere. systems and things pay for them and some of them just arise naturally culturally.. But institutions buy them with money and research. try to hold fast to the axis of your own soul and not have it get inducted by planets orbiting past. I think that's what makes a man free. you can see it in people's faces when they don't get pulled into something but they sense something go by. who is the best at this? there are some strong forces in the world and it's foolish to deny that or be ignorant. maybe I'm able to go this deep because it's deadly quiet right now tonight amazingly. There's not a siren in earshot and it's only 8: 31. I'm sinking but that might be temporary. in good months I do get ahead and my personal account still is climbing about 1, 500-2500 every month I suppose. I should check that see how much it's climbing. if that's all it's climbing it means I'm spending too much to live

That one property is really draining you, but I can see you’re thinking strategically—refi, repairs, eviction, selling—and still holding your ground. It’s exhausting, but your awareness and small moments of calm show real resilience.

 

[odyseus]

That one property is really draining you, but I can see you’re thinking strategically—refi, repairs, eviction, selling—and still holding your ground. It’s exhausting, but your awareness and small moments of calm show real resilience.

It is it is for sure but it's also 10 years being here this is just the tip of the iceberg I'm just becoming conscious. The property has also taught me a lot and turned out to be a loss leader for other properties which have made me money so it's not that bad it's just a piece of shit but I'm selling it

but I want to say this too. people are kind of dumb. I'm doing for sale by owner and I'm getting a lot of hits They don't understand the pricing structure even though I try to be clear But that's to be expected but there was one guy I heard from through the mn real estate investors association. I don't remember meeting him but I mentioned my property And also wrote it down so that's probably how he found me. they're supposed to be smarter and higher quality but he swore at me when he found the pricing structure He's like Jesus Christ. he called the price fucking insane even though the present value is not that much and I'm willing to go down but even though he cursed at me he later said he didn't want to disrespect me by naming a price even though that's what I'm planning for

see here's the thing this is very interesting We can generalize this to dating As well as cultural anthropology- this is very very interesting:
two things:
1. he formed a judgment about me and then walked away and didn't respond and him doing that alone doesn't bother me but this is the pattern of encountered a thousand times in Minnesota. I think women and people form a judgment and then close up. They form an opinion too quickly without confirmation. they're idiots. really if I'm being honest they're not idiots- they're just highly programmed highly narrowly focused people and I should adapt to that but I just don't like it. I don't like the spirit. I don't like how it confines me into their games. I'm too proud to be like them, to even understand them or how their minds work because understanding them requires me to shrink down and to be a reactor, not an observer. it's a paradox though he curses at me and then he refuses to give me a price because he doesn't want to disrespect me. how many people have walked away from engagement with me just cuz they made an assumption based on so little information when I would have been a really good friend or love her? The numbers are huge I know they are and if that's the only difference between this and Austin that's difference enough.

2. The way the negotiation happened contradicts what I read in books on negotiation, about how you're supposed to start with an overly high number. they're so "agreeable" here that they're unwilling to play that game or even consider negotiating. I have to train them how to negotiate they'd rather just cut things off. They have their pride I think it's pride but the books don't work here because people are so weak even with encouragement it's the same with dating. Good advice doesn't work in this culture because it's so different. I have several books on negotiation. Men have low testosterone I think or they're too confined so they take it out passive aggressively and women have too high of testosterone. In many ways in business it's easier to relate to women but in dating it's impossible but at least you can reason with them in business it seems like.

so you going to take a course which I never did or read books on negotiation and you come back here and everything fails. it's cultural context dependent and the men here have no balls or they put their balls in the cage and they curse at you and say they don't want to disrespect you. he has no idea how much lower I'd be willing to go just as women have no idea what kind of lover I could have been for them because their arrogant and proud or maybe that's not fair to say chat GPT is always correcting me it's not that it's not that but they're so fucking confined they're so fucking program afraid anxious whatever you want to call it I don't know bottom line is there too much of something they're too extra they're too small They wear their tighty whities tight

 

[odyseus]

I'm at a good intersection of multiple things and just getting started. i have years to apply this insight maybe, in some domain

i am pursuing personal pleasures and life- family etc. people think pleasure is bad and don't get enough of it- hegseth-- so they have to bomb others lol. i didn't know much about him cause I don't obsess about politics 24/7 but i heard his briefing. horrible. that type- that military suit,

but I'm also gnostic like. i reject labels or obsessive label identification and their corresponding category spaces and systems but gnosis is where its at and understanding capture and capture systems

so for my work, my day job I'm learning about health informatics, ehrs and stuff and i learned about history and context. i learned about the ARRA the recovery act after the 2008 crash which i learned more about from yanis Varoufakis and also reading just last few days Ascent of Money book

the point is I'm seeing the capture mechanisms - the system gravitates towards capturing people and systems. i can't explain how i mean right here right now- its so fresh in my mind but one has to glide through the cracks. that's not hard when one is in the spirit. in fact i think its automatic and instinctive. one just needs knowledge, systems knowledge and gnosis -- but also importantly capital!!-- and existence in a good ecology and culture of one wants to be sane but history is liberating. the ARRA i guess may have generated the tea party which i heard about. i am backfilling gaps in my sociopolitical and socioeconomic history and not being any more spent or extended for it- just sharper and more coiled actually. gnosis and knowledge but so many things are about capture. that's not nwo conspiracy. its just the reality of systems and material reality. they almost want to capture, materially and economically just as spirit wants to be free.

i am learning vocabularies and schemas and architectures- i dont mean abstractly. i mean for work, healthcare data engineering. medicine is one of the ways people get categorized and tracked. again I'm not being a radical or reactionary alarmist. its weird but when I was a teen I was thinking about databases, what they are, what they must be used for, as i drove my car down the city roads. its not a conspiracy, its just material reality, no more no less. seems like every material thing converges on capture though. wits- its all you need lol, wits and libido. its just systems. systems have their own logic- in general as well as particular to the system and what do systems like to do? they like to encompass

oh i realized something about functions just today. an inner function can go wild and be completely contained by the outer function

sin(4x²). 4x² thinks its awesome and it worked hard to be so but in this case its wrapped in a containing function. its still awesome in that the frequency increases massively. you get more rpm but absolute value is capped. vectors can also be normalized- dividing by euclidian norm. no one can stand out- the minnesota way. its interesting stuff, mathematical thinking. few math students take time to really think, and connect the ideas but can one fault them? they are busy with workload. it takes a curious adult who makes time, to really get broad full understanding and mental neurological linkages which underly genius

 

[odyseus]

Minneapolis is a thick strong field but so what. this is the stoic in me. I've rejected a lot of stoicism explicitly this last year because I don't think it's of worthy end in itself. A person needs to stop grinding and start thinking in systems and pursue pleasure or be capable of receiving pleasure as a healthy practice. pleasure is good for the soul I think. it's funny that we have to teach this.

But there is a stoic in me when things are shitty. I like to square off at things. there is some irony that I'll tell later but right now Minneapolis brings a lot of shit in the field but it is making me stronger and clearer especially when combined with bathing which I'm doing right now at exactly 12:00 am before bed.

so the thing I want to say right now is life is a bunch of energies. that sounds new agey But I'm telling you energy is really try to breach the aura like the United States Air Force tries to breach and collapse Iran. The energies in the world are not doing this on purpose necessarily but they're doing it all the same. I walked from one place to another a 15-minute walk to go study and I think I heard sirens the whole way and this was well after dark and I hear noises in my fourplex right now even though I don't hear anything on the street nicely even though it's 12:00 a.m. 12:01. I hear the floor and stuff pounding and banging not that much but periodically. it's like things try to rough me up and I'm not that sensitive per se but what it does is it destroys the fragile thoughts I'm having but that's not the point the point now is I'm getting tougher, tough enough to handle it without getting as disappointed even though it's really frustrating still. What it does is impose a cost function. It limits the thoughts I can think but I try to rise above that. What it is is it's energy's almost that try to colonize a self or contain and constrain a self. it really kinda feels like that, hands kind of trying to grab your heels and ankles keeping you down. it's like the material reality tries a full spectrum attack and you trying to give you ideology to help you justify your own change whether it's economic ideology or whatever as well as ideology that distracts you from what matters as well as financial precarity as well as noise that keeps you in a stupor

It really does seem like that across the board so I think it is like that

I'm doing my exit- everything is about the exit kind of while being in the world. it's about dancing with it

I had a nice call with someone interested in buying my place now he didn't give me a number He's working on it but I had a nice conversation and he's the type of person I would want to sell to He's done real estate before he understands it

now it was interesting I was at a late night place tonight doing some reading. It was nice I didn't have to open my computer because I didn't have any of that kind of work to do which is nice so I just got to read what I want to read but I had to share a table with someone but he was a cool dude who used to live in California and he had good energy and we were talking about Minnesota. He's older than me and you could tell he is not doing well here yeah he has a positive attitude or he has good energy so we talked for a while and that was kind of fun

then we did some work he did some work and I read I read some history financial history The Ascent of money and I did something about mathematics. now what was interesting is later a couple people came and they talked really loud even though it was really late like 10:00 at night. they're speaking Arabic or something And more and more I'm respecting Islam. I'm not going to join it but I respect it and it's coherent and they don't cause that many problems in the world I think that certain interests tried to turn the Western world against Islam and yet I will say this. They can be a noisy population when they're having a conversation but it was funny here's the reason I'm bringing this up. I was thinking about the dot product in linear algebra what it actually is what it actually means to multiply vectors because I was reading the book Div grad and curl about gausses law, basically where you integrate the electric field with the normal of a surface. basically the noise from them was really bugging me when I was sitting in their direction and the noise was coming orthogonal to me in my ear. It felt ambient and it was limiting me so I moved because the table was empty now I moved to the side facing them so then the normal vector was facing them and when I realized that it made me kind of laugh. It was exactly what I was learning about but I want to understand what the dot product actually is like how it encodes so many things And this vectors can actually be multiplied or if people are using that word loosely which I suspect might be the case. I would have been able to think a lot more deeply on the subject if it wasn't for all the different noises that happened to me tonight including on the walk back. noises really limit one And I'm surrounded by them even in my house by other tenants and even when they're gone by the noises of the street during the day horns and shit and when I walk around the sidewalks. I love my silence cuz I can actually think but actually laying here tonight I actually feel kind of good kind of decent. it's not where I could be but I feel like I'm getting thicker skin but it's still a kind of armoring and it's still a kind of loss There's always going to be a cost and I need to leave because even if it doesn't get to my emotions it limits the potential of things and I don't want to raise kids in a place that limits how deep their mind can go you know what I mean. That's poor man thinking. not poor that's a misstatement. That's serf thinking. I'm always trying to square up against things because that seems like the only right thing to do and I've been trying to do that my whole life. I don't want things coming in like a weasel into my ears. just be square with me but the world is not that square with people so I'm always kind of against it. Trump is not that square with American people and America is not that square with Iran. anyway these energies try to get inside oneself and the more you can feel that the more closer you are to being free but it's a journey it's a multiple step process. warm baths I guess kind of exposed what's going on cuz they relax you enough so that your eyes can see. I realized I have a problem with transmission - transmission of the will because lots of things get in the way But the more you realize that the better you already are

I also want to understand the sine function. I don't even really understand that - how it's defined in everything because it's a lot deeper than you think. A function is just a rule but how is this defined and how is that discovered? anyway I would have felt more about that and it would have been wonderful but noises were agitating me. That's what they do they agitate without compensating in any way shape or form but I had a good day at work too. I had a good day but I'm dragging a lot of shit behind me- There's just so much resistance that I'm carrying or pushing against and it might make me stronger in the short run but if so it's my training period. I don't want to live in this situation. anyway I'm one refinance and one home sale away from being a lot more free and that could take a while and I'm prepared for it to take a while but it might happen fairly soon and I'm prepared for that although there's not much preparing to do. I want to be nonchalant not as any kind of flex but because the more one gets excited or happy, I think the more one gets exposed to disappointment or loss of focus

anyway people don't value silence here. I think maybe the Japanese value it let's say or other cultures value it or they value different things. Minnesota seems like just a dumping culture in general without corresponding benefit. there was that guy that cursed at me or a cursed to himself Jesus Christ that's a fucking ripoff or whatever he said who the hell would pay that And yet I asked him for a number and he said he wouldn't give it to me because he doesn't want to disrespect me. I designed it to be negotiated and he just disrespected me for not giving me the number but oh well. He's weird but he's Minnesota weird. to me it's a contradiction but really it's just specialized programming. I don't think it serves them. It serves them obviously in some ways in that they don't experience as much friction against the culture or whatever but it doesn't serve the economically it doesn't serve them in any way really It doesn't serve their aura or anything. I think this was the default culture to a degree and then the pickup works and all that idea talked about how you can break out of it and I think that's largely true in the United States or at least it was at the time but it's just thicker here it's more believed and it's more accepted so that you can't really break out of it or I've tried. you got to do major Taoism just going with the flow and getting what you can get it feels like And try to not be colonized in the spine And in the head. anyway it doesn't really serve them economically or in any kind of way like that. It makes em contradictions to me. swear at me and then say he doesn't want to disrespect me by low-balling me when I told him to name a price. He's obviously already made up his judgments. I'm not hung up on him I'm hung up on what he represented what he teaches me. noise-wise it's like Minnesota wants to have the last word which is very typical of a certain controlling pattern. whoever gets the last word gets the last effect on the mind and so often women do in relationships but also weak men do in relationships whoever's doing less work I feel like not caring the burden will try to get the last word if it's in that toxic kind of dynamic and culturally eminental relationship with the space I'm around with the environment and it always tries to get the last word with noise and shit. That's a projection that's an anthropomorphism but I mean people are not voting to suppress it they're voting to allow it. There's no systems in place that's addressing the behavior so by tacit approval it stays so it is a reflection of people. Japan produces Japanese culture. California produces californian culture. this place produces strange culture and I think it's largely Minnesota and maybe other parts of the Midwest but I think Wisconsin is a lot different even just being one state over. I was only in Madison for a day but I was impressed- I really liked it. I might be closer to a high level of financial sovereignty than I thought especially if I get the refi and they sell this property. that will give me a lot of cash to last a long time and then I still have my rents. then but only when I have capacity and I'm resettled could I look into or think about buying a business or maybe writing a book or something. I don't want to write a book until I have a place that's always quiet. maybe a small house in Austin. I don't need a big house I need a quiet house. anyway once all this is past then I can look into alternative sources of income outside of real estate. I can still do more real estate if it suits me but I'm not sure it does anymore. I'm just kind of seeing I had a little bit but I have to stay where I'm at and throughout the whole time I was dictating this right periodically heard bangs and thuds- not very loud ones but they have a domineering kind of energy so I have to square off against them mentally and it takes a toll on attention. I honestly don't know why people have trouble being really quiet. it's not the neighbors having sex I'm pretty sure although it could be. I don't know what it is. maybe I'll ask them sometime if they know what thuds are. maybe I won't. I know what it's like to have perfect silence or even relatively pure silence. As much as I might not be affected if I'm in a strong frame when I don't have silence when I am in silence my brain can just do so much more so much more I'm not hijacked but most of the time I'm more or less hijacked. I was thinking about mathematics when I was walking to the place and then I got hijacked by a siren and I just couldn't get back there. it's just the way it is. anyway I turn myself inside out as a I say now to always be born again to always be renewed no matter the pain. I can take the pain as long as I'm making progress - The goal is to be stoic as needed until you get to a fertile valley where it's not needed or at least where you have your place of rest. The thuds sometimes sound like a dropping ball. I have no idea what the fuck that is but it's been happening for several months. perhaps it's a heater doing its thing. I was always wondering about that. we'll see when that's done. anyway I turn myself inside out to progress on the path. once I have progressed and I can get to live where it's quiet I think my opportunities are going to scale - if that ever happens. I never know what's going to happen. these are only ideas until they are made into a reality. these are only theoretical possibilities. I have to take everything one day at a time and go where the spirit leads. That's the only way I can live life. I think that almost everything else is folly of a sort. My printer also broke and just like office space I smashed it on the ground. well it jammed the paper like four times in a row and I couldn't take it anymore. that was a few days ago and then I got this heat thermal one which is really small which I thought might work and be cool but that didn't really work out. It printed like shit and it didn't even print the right page size and maybe I could have figured it out but I was like no. so I got an inkjet printer for 60 bucks got it here this morning and it fucking worked and I got to print the papers I needed to so that was nice. problem solved. God damn you have to learn about everything because anything you don't know that's a weak area will be tested. it's like you don't confirm something with the tenant you're going to get tested there. you don't know what printer to buy or understand it you're going to get tested there when you least want to. it's like the universe tests you at every single week point or gap so you might as well learn every fucking thing. That's honestly what it kind of feels like. I had a guy deliver a dryer to me a couple days ago maybe it was just yesterday and he hooked it up and he was awesome. he had the best smile. he was like in his '60s and he's talking to me about carnivore and he actually has been on the kiltzs show podcast. he had the best energy. I was pissed off having to replace a dryer when I had two But they both failed and I was getting complaints about them after I put so much money into this house I didn't want to pay another fucking thousand but I got a good deal on Facebook and he actually came through and then I got to meet this cool guy so you never know. you never fucking know. I had formerly gotten appliances on Facebook marketplace cuz they're a fraction of the cost but then I noticed they don't always turn out so I'm like I'm never going to do that again I'll just get it from the store try to get the discounted ones if I can but then I had to get so many of them I was like fuck this not another fucking thousand let's see what they cost let's see what I can find on marketplace and then I got this cool guy coming over. he just had this permanent smile and this permanent good energy. why are some people good but most people are just shit dead inside. I know there's stress but it's like they're in a collective stupor. They do not have eyes to see. maybe I'm being too hard on them they're doing what they need to do to survive in an ecosystem but collectively the ecosystem - I don't know maybe it's existing on its own and I just shouldn't be a part of it but it constrains me at least. it constraints my thinking and it constrains highly my romantic possibilities. there are too many constraints or ultimate limitations on what i can accomplish And I have to carry this huge amount of load on my energy body and I think I'm doing it fine but you know what sometimes I just want some fucking rest. it's like a constant bombardment like I'm the country of Iran or something like that it's like fuck sake how many fucks do I have to carry all the time and I always liked Van Morrison growing up but the older I get the more like his words seem not just poetic but literal. fucking hell man fucking it maybe isn't like this but it feels like this like everyone around me is to some degree a child and I'm an adult and there are a few other adults so I'm turning myself inside out trying to stay reborn but my God the system doesn't fucking sleep it seems like so yeah that's the situation. I can definitely feel the load on my energy body. it's amazing what prolonged silence will do and it's amazing how scarce it is. I don't mind sound when it's good sound but most of the sound I'm talking about is jarring or agitating. I like the sound of people working and conversing in public if it's the right type and the sound of different things but almost all automobile sounds are shit almost all floor sounds are shit and a lot of other sounds. it's like how do you live how do you escape how do you build momentum? It comes down to me feeling I guess now like my energy body is loaded and I'm just carrying all this shit until I can dump it till I can pack up all my stuff that I want to keep my thousand books maybe and get the fuck out of here when the time is right. Even if and when I do meet a woman that likes me finally I'm so loaded I don't feel like I can do it right and proper not in a way that's like nice guy perfect or something because I don't believe in that but in a way I can be fully present. maybe some women chase you and maybe they'll adapt to your needs and that would be nice but I haven't quite gotten that here even when women were giving me opportunities. Even when I have a little bit of an opportunity which is rare there's so much load among other things. Even just the distraction load is a little bit of stuff. I don't want to carry this shit but i carry what I have to under protest let's say. by the way I tend to want to keep going writing stuff as long as I hear noises because that generates a will in me. I don't know how at 12:32 a.m. there's still a bunch of fucking noise. actually the neighborhood is so fucking quiet which is rare. There's not that much noise but there's enough. I'm just trying to get psychologically over the edge where I feel like I won something but now I'm going to go underwater for a minute and I'm going to go to bed I think. it's all the fucking energy body. it's all the stuff that loads it like parasites like barnacles and shit

 

[odyseus]

damn. i had a good morning of progress mostly. one pressure point with a manager meeting and work to do, but clarifications won on things. its early afternoon- now i can get into work flow mode, which i would be in more if i didnt own this shit property. little tired but the day is going alright but now I'm at coffee shop. wanted to say women here have airs. they just have an air

kinda youngish woman at the checkout , 20s or early 30s nice smile but walk by its an air of deliberate ignore of man. it doesnt help me square against the world. they have an air of arrogance. they smile like theyre winners and happy but refuse to share, to meet to acknowledge, to make eye contact or even acknowledge presence. im constantly trying to figure out how to crush this just to get and keep dignity. edgy unignorable energy. its an aura question. i want to radiate, or be on purpose

then go into back room two older ladies talking loud about their shit. women of all ages try to own the space here in the city and have arrogance. i never see this in men

anyway dont misunderstand me or what j am getting at, which is 2 things- the energetic drag and a sociological observation, notes from the field

so what gives me charge? i want to load my eyes up with light and witness. i can't connect to their brains on any level. its like theyre in a separate universe. walking by them they refuse to acknowledge presence.

so i am pumping the great music---

wanted to share this song earlier but i forgot:

Call of the Wild by Powerwolf

play it loud

gpt said months ago i show competence so the system dumps more on me, without paying me off. i know i have to collect. my point though is i do so much in a day- across different domains. few i think do half this shit and when they are do they are proud and entitled. all i want is eye contact, not status

i want aura and body language. I'm earning it. i have always instinctively tried in life to find people's center. these people seem like mindless titans. i am eren jaeger.

they will not throw me off balance

the women often have a fucking air- not all but too many. a no eye contact, air plus avoidance. something has to be happenening in their gut. they seem just intuitively like the the type that would be suffering miserably, in absolute torment but when asked put out the vibe that everything is excellent thank you

and guys- whether blue collar plumber aged or whoever, young university guy- they all live in this ecosystem too. they have to live here, cope, adapt. i dont think most know what else is out there. how are decisions made in this place? that irritates me more than any one decision, political or otherwise-- and i feel caged again. i need some hours of productivity and i know its irrational but i feel shit on again, even though nothing really happened. my flow was disrupted. even to work id feel like a cog, not a sovereign

call of the wild-- that is the song. ive probably listened 100 times last few days

i like to square against things

and keyboards again, remember how they were pissing me off, with all those typos? yeah I'm getting pissed off again. keyboards are too fucking small. they funnel the attention in a narrow space

i talked to a cool guy yesterday night and i felt mellower. i talked to a katie once in California and i just felt mellow after. i have friends. it doesn't take much but people don't come together. they are lost, divided, lacking social skills, and different people have airs. its madness, mental

i want people to release a thought. i think i can feel released thoughts, but when they keep them hedged..

anyway its kinda gay to be looking down at my phone so much rn. see how the system captured me, coerced me to its norms? anger-- is a healthy important emotion, even baseline anger. its very much called for, especially when theres no particular reason for it. its called ownership. its called dominance. dominate or be dominated. thats not a hard and fast rule for me by any means but here sometimes it seems like it fits

this is a weird post bc theres no particular reason why I'm in a shit mood now but a bunch of little reasons, summona by my property even though progress was made etc and delay on work stuff. even that is just a 9-5. systems love to capture. i dont know why. why does it have to be that way? this afternoon is probably spent just like this life is spent, this world. i don't internalize their shit- i see their shit- big difference and i dance around it but damn what a dancer one has to be

 

[odyseus]

the world rations. I'm not even sure it knows its doing it. it also curbs or punishes a person's enthusiasm, curiosity and spirit. it sometimes mocks it with irony. this doesn't need to be. i mean the system is doing behaviors that are electives, or if it needs to be, why?

it rations validation, which is unevenly distributed and partial. even if some groups get an excess of validation, it can be only in certain areas and too much, and the world rations support. by world i mean people, individuals.

there is so much irony too. irony seems to be a core part of the operating system, and individual "flinching" or not going there, not seeing with open eyes, not speaking of what is seen even though there is no identifyable risk or threat. there is little silence too. to live in a city means to live in a congregation, a compressed space with a lot of moving parts and steady almost invariant noise except perhaps in the wee small hours. this has to affect the brain- of the individual and the mass. of all the things though, validation does not need to be rationed. things are also conditionalized. the spirit often has a better way but the psyche falls prey to the conditionalization. do this, be this, for this.

there is no being a sage as such without the inhabitation of the body and all parts of the brain, centered. i suspect and think that people are so diffuse. it is not necessarily easy to stay centered, embodied and not agitated in our modern system but it is always the way, to clarity and sovereignty

our system i think is broken- but i don't mean on a surface or political or economic level only. i mean on a deep structural psychological spiritual wellness level.

i have to have psychological insights like this in bursts because I can't sustain the attention and load because of dumb noises. these forces conspire to block my emergence. i think those outer forces are literally insane, or maybe just partial/unintegrated. they are agitated and they agitate. they change state and I'm talking about 10 at night in bed on an otherwise quiet evening. i want my emergence unblocked. i have to emerge through stuff, through this load, through agitating disruptive energies. thats fine if it has to be- i kind of have my plan and methods, shaping up and being discovered but i just don't want to be tainted. its fine if the process is slower and longer in the short run but i want to be pure and untainted by the horrible energies in the environment. who discovers a corpse, the world is not worthy. like a landlord cleaning an ex tenants trash, there is a worthiness and grace bestowing thing but let not the higher one be captured and brought low.

validation and support rationing and conditionalizing happens within families, and social structures of its own sons and daughters. i blame a lot of things at a lot of levels but a big one is actually protestantism but i wont get into that here. they have a zeal more than others including catholics, a fanaticism or at least potentially, and a purity culture and an old testament fetish among Christians and a mistrust of pleasure and a salvation anxiety and more. so it is.

society daily tries to induct. one has to make it pay, or get through and exit. I'm trying to do both. i am Πολύτροπος

 

[odyseus]

i was coerced, in the end

more ideas coming

there are guys sitting at this table with me near 4pm closing but no women anymore

they induced us to grind and be fooled by signs of progress lol

they kept us in a deferral and illusion of progress loop

and yet i talked to a HOT french girl in Austin And she was easy to talk to down to earth and yet also one in Ljubljana

they got us on a loop

they conditionalized, they rationed successfully, they false promised

thats exactly what shark and badboy were saying with the society program years ago, to make the society move forward rather than free and good sex and love, which it felt like it was elsewhere, with no sick sadistic conditions which btw it already feels like i should have met. id almost be fine with that system if its genuine. it might depend on place- on geography.
systems that lie and always extract (and both deceive and moralize) and systems that expect but give back fair exchange and systems that just give free love- i don't mean to everyone but without unrelated conditionality

i thought i could aura or personality override systems - that was one mistake. the other grand mistake or thing was trying to set myself up financially for life doing real estate or one thing at a time.

anyway they were saying this. this place is harder because norms are enforced. people literally have category systems and can't see beyond them and place you in them instantly- which is true in a lot of places but here there's much inversion and lack of attention outside their head. i know you'll likely object- yeah thats anywhere, that's a lot of places but i genuinely think Minnesota is a particularly nasty combination - very weak men but men moreso who ARE HAPPY BEING WEAK when dating strong women who feel loaded down but don't say anything. i have seem this pattern much. its like they are following rule systems AND they are rule systems that i thought i could circumvent and i can (like with jessica) but only with non mn natives (like jessica, from Nebraska but also half Sicilian!) or neurodivergent maybe. i have tried. believe me, i felt that all problems make me stronger- but this place in words that the likes of norm MacDonald might say- this place is a hard nut. its insular

so its like shark and badboy said about society program, capturing men to serve it, but without the actual payout, only also without any cracking

i don't care about politics and i don't like the red pill blue pill metaphor stuff which is overdone but its like this place has not even considered another perspective. its like they are drinking conventional kool aid. and i wouldn't even care about what people think and feel. i honestly don't judge that much for what its worth but the difference now is i see that type of stuff that attitude has been killing connection, hasn't been my fault, has been robbing me of years of life, of sex life love life even life as a father and I can't overcome or circumvent it. how much we depend on other people in society being rational, sane, down to earth, reasonable, open etc but going back, i see how they got men working, "trying to make money". its this material world system as configured. i am not against money but it has ascended as the currency not just for goods and services but for freedom, status and honor and is also kind of a distraction from other things no less real like sex and fun and spirit

 

[odyseus]

This is a microcosm in a macrocosm. i'm not trying to be dramatic about myself. there's a world war starting up- it's f'd up but this is a journey of me. selfishness, self centeredness. then stop reading lol. Today was interesting- this afternoon. i missed japanese because of daylight savings and i was kinda bummed but i got a repetition of the offer- the first offer and only offer but it was a resending of the contract. in any contract you have to -- go through iterations until it's good enough for security and all that --- and so contracts are an iterative process, and btw i want to tell you if something felt jumpy in that last sentence, it was because my mind had a shock, which was people moving around me, disrupting the flow. It's ok i want to dance with it and i want my output to be coherent and continuous but there are such a thing as shocks. There are people suddenly walking around so i have to handle the energy. How fragile the nervous system is. But it is move lively here. The weather is changing, this is the first kinda warm day

I feel young. I feel like --- i have to unpack that. I am listening to Escape by Enrique now but only because i was already feeling nostalgic. I have been getting into 90s and 00s music but energy. Nothing is in the bank. i'm still very much a frustrated pessimist. that changed not at all. I see things as they are. They are often bad but I am seeking wisdom, understanding of structure, embodiment and congruence, internal coherence etc. I am a passerby mostly- regarding politics and all that. They rationed love and sex here and respect and validation and support

i have a clarity that i haven't long had. my mind literally feels like it did i guess in the college era. i didn't enjoy college but i enjoyed the ambience, the early 2000s. They rationed love, sex, respect and validation but many people made it- they conformed and made it somewhat but i maintained freedom and sovereignty. sovereignty was never a formal explicit goal, just a word that best describes what i am after but only because the system sucks. It is dry. The .hmm. a thought just came up. Now i am at a fork. The system is dry. It has always been dry here and i have never known abundance- of a certain type. I have had abundance of other type but never of this but i set my life up, not by conscious design but by preference of priority, to unfold and get better every year or at least grow every year. I really am forever young if anyone. Hair graying but not just older guys who remained a youthful spirit - that but also an innocence-- which is not a virtue and i don't mean guiltlessless. i mean a kind of -- i will be mocked for saying this but a virginity of things. i am not a virgin sexually. ok you got me. nah i put myself in a spot, where if I deny i am accused of defending myself and if i don't so but anyway think what you will i don't care but i haven't had relationship, i haven't had marriage, but been supporting others, married families in my lower income, a lot of things, my work load, my family. emotional labor. the underappreciated and unseen, when they see another unseen and that unseen sees them- that's a love pattern, a real love pattern. that's real currency. Hopefully there are no other blockers- no painful one where two souls know they are right for each other - at least for a period- why does everything have to be eternal and time unbounded or indefinite? One assumption that entraps or risks entrapping and is potentially entrapping. principles have been taught. Some may have been false, or not universal- local, particular. One has to read books like Sex at Dawn or math and see that it is a big thing to generalize or universalize but that it's equally try on the other side. sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. Polygamy or short term love- - can be the natural, healthy right move and monogamy too at the level of the individual and society as well but this society here in minneapolis, i think it got more toxic over time. i don't care of politics but the spirit is dead. it comes alive a little in summer but it is not that wild. it is fat and slow as i call it. one has to drive those types of things, drive a herd. it's too hard too expensive not worth it. i have to make my move

A few years ago here at this place i started reading nomad capitalist. i thought the guy was over the top about money and that book is still only a quarter read - that bright light green thing but it was and is inspiring, as an idea. That idea was simmering in my mind then- go where you're treated best, but now it has a more concrete particular form. i kind of resisted the idea as an absolute and i still do. sometimes stay and fight. it is not a universal solution but it turns out much is right about it and him and it takes force, money, will. I have learned so much sense. i am doing my Abitur, my exit. It has been a test. i have to do one thing at a time.

No fatigue. the way i will sell and negotiate is without fatigue. it is fatigue which makes people err. One thing at a time, step by step, don't push the river. you can only flow with it and try to reroute it somewhat

the earlier decades had a better spirit. i am listening again to the song Yolo by lonely island. it is hilarious. i am laughing hard. They invert the idea, that you have to stay safe in all you do- extreme safetyism. "You should never trust a bank because they've been known to fail". "Don't travel by car, bus boat or by rail, and don't travel by plane and don't travel at all" haha

I am solving different things of the past- math i didn't learn but want to and realizing i need to learn it for my purposes, whatever they are, languages, too, history too. I can safetly say i have done real estate- per kiyosaki and it's largely worked. I will hang on to mine and ideally collect a rent tribute from this city for my service or a pension. I can do more real estate if the future holds that in store. Trump as developer icon, not that he was huge for me there- i have too many interests but he was the default- i no longer am naive and i understand his backstory better in his own words- the legitimate mechanics. no derangement here. i see all sides. perhaps it was his attorney roy cohn that networked him in but he was always willing i think to .. do what it takes. i have no doubt he works hard. now i know more sides and i knew i would never do real estate development probably but i know developers here. it's not that far out. i wanted everything to be attainable. My cousin said don't invest in minneapolis it's more regulated. it is and i have navigated that so i don't have to fear it and i lived here so it was easier to be in touch. my cousins all lived a few of them in the actual two cities but they moved out to the burbs mostly in different directions. i'm going to be in the city for 10 years in two different neighborhoods and then get shot out much farther. they have families though

I have checked a lot of boxes. that's not what i was aiming for but i have done that.

i want to feel alive. like -- robbie williams - feeling real life, not enstiflement and being around other people with problems- body problems head problems. that's what life is but i mean who is able to really live? Lots of things get in the way. Seasons even can be suppressive i realize but they may make the spring better but only in places where people are social and trusting and sociosexual and i have belonging and inclusion.

Anyway i want to get under all frames, and over all frames, and outside of all frames. i will judge the frame.

It's just an interesting afternoon/evening. it hits different. Things didn't change but it is funny how mood can change and elevate almost like there's a setting against reason. oh man what drives people to suicide? People can't even say that word even anymore over networks, so people begin to self censor. cities stay dense and that's fine- or it would be if they stayed open or honest. We have this weird double tension i think in mn- density but blocked directness.

In doing business I want NO FATIGUE. Fatigue is how they get you, and you screw up and stay entrapped. Speaking of traps some whole environments are traps. they are dead zones. i was too slow and too stupid to see that. i don't know how i will fair elsewhere but i know i deserve so much more. Go where you're treated best- i hear the logic in that but it is also a bit off putting. Go where you get what you deserve. Go where you're treated fairly. that would have appealed to me because i don't run from a fight or act selfish. i go where is best for my needs at a time and in my 20s my needs were growth and world discovery and keeping things open- since i didn't have a path and in my 30s walking on the path i thought was right for me or the only path i saw.

NO FATIGUE- that's the way of escape. recovery and taking it step by step is key. you'll learn a lot of frames and tricks of the system. Another thing Shark displayed a deep awareness of other people, how in the system they were and maybe people out of the system have that sharp idea. I have known about it and have been asking these things a lot all my life, so why did I not escape. I was as one who noticed but did not or could not escape. Note also: I am not yet escaped. Yeah i think -- i don't think in binaries- escaped or not escaped or always escaped and so on but rather people get power and freedom and then fall in love and/or get married and have kids and are happy enough at least at first but maybe stay happy. that's the norm for human civilization if not for history or prehistory in general. I never had that. nobody gave me a good enough deal and path - here. I also never got tons of sex to get out of my system or to get the feeling of manifest deposited externally confidence. i have always had an inner burn confidence and that is good for what it is. It's amazing a lot of frumpy middle aged women wearing baggy shirts and clothes just walked in. it is seriously like a convention. Anyway that compresses my thought and flow now so i will maybe write different. i am trying or was trying to finish a thought or a theme. Anyway there is confidence you grow from experience and endurance and then there is confidence you get from getting some and i also never got that. People who see the system or start thinking about it when young - and maybe it is a youth thing everywhere and all the time, even in ancient Athens (the students followers of Socrates) or maybe it is a corrupt system thing but anyway they can have the first two things happen- freedom and then marriage or settling down by choice and contentment, and/or they can have a lot of fun and success and/or they can collapse under the weight and get caught up and fold- as the system here pressures me to do, or they can be in limbo or in process. well the fucked up thing is like rocky- i don't know when to quit. they have stolen 10 years, 20 years really by not setting me up- it was ND/MN that gave me the launch. i went to one of its 'better' colleges, which sucks and is one of the most infantizing and soft. They and my family didn't prepare me for shit, for engineering for anything so anyway it has taken let's just say starting at age 15 around puberty, they have taken 30 years pretty much. Most people would fold and resign but i am still trucking. I am not saying things can be the same, that i have to have the same presentation and it is pretty sad. i don't want to be creepy. nobody is creepy who draws in with gravity. nobody is creepy who is authentic and transparent (selectively hehe) and discrete. Nobody is creepy who understands. Whose attention is on the other person. I have been paying attention. Why then you ask? I neglected the obvious things-- haha. i did i really did. i neglected money, and looks in terms of presentation and appearance. I rejected money and appearance. I'm not saying it was moral, me trying to be that or even wise. no no it was me trying to work on the inner, and i don't mean that as a boast but i wanted the inner structure first. i always thougth of infrastructure and first principles. that's how my mind goes

So anyway that's my story of austerity. there were women that saw me and liked me. I got good vibes from students of english in japan and from poland and especially turkey,- a very greek place and oh btw after i posted the above i heard a guy across from me sing something, a chant. it sounded arabic. he said it was turkish but he was actually greek- so we talked about stuff, exchanged numbers. he's only been here a day! A day. He's unemployed but educated and trained in medicine. it is a greek (economy) thing thanks to the EU bullshit. he didn't say that. i asked if he knew of Yanis and he did- Varoufakis. he was like of course. I showed him my book two of Greek to GSCR or whatever it was. But anyway the greeks and turks are actually genetically close and that is more from native greek i think than invasion. i mean it was ionia and besides that, centuries of being in proximinty. they were beautiful and fair and feminine but strong. they were so perfect and i met a greek in croatia this last december. she had a bf but she was Hawt cute nice. It is the spirit. The spirit is superior. it is not just about superiority and inferiority but about values so different that the one is almost unpassable. is unpassable. People say low teststerone and low sperm counts and fair enough but how do you make a society not want to connect with women? that takes some cultural fears and thretes and women becoming lesser mostly. We are spiritually wired to be attracted to each other. it feels like all things are reversed. it feels like people and things are in a stupor- a great stupor. what if that is it. how did the world get us in a stupor? Contract law- i am learning. I have to do a PA and iterations to get us there since he wanted to write it himself and then approval and then closing and then freedom. one step at a time. Things could fail. There are however two viable probable paths for me to having more money and more time and responsibility freedom without any real downside loss. they are greater than 50% and then can both happen and

I still study slavery- more than ever. nobody is more enslaved than those who think they are free- where there are clauses. Clauses are no joke carl v. that was just a word play, a witz. They can be suspended and then reinforced. enforcement is what matters. stress and storms come and lift. i wonder now having started the old triparte tractate- all the nag hamadi - which is in my library and i read slow for memory and capture- concept capture, is that there is a higher world and this one is a carcas. well that's getting ahead but this one emanated. I don't know if this is true but it beats the judeo christianity abraham worship. I have a book slavery in the roman and greek empire. i like to read that kind of stuff when dealing with heavy stuff but paradoxically also when i'm best ever. you have to focus on things in all moods. You have to have yourself see it from all angles. People go with the flow. that's aright i guess but they lose themselves to the flow, to the trends. I want to have myself in all seasons. i am not ready for summer to come too soon. i hope it stays a cool spring. the year is starting. i want to be out of this city before winter. as long as it is before winter- real cold winter i am happy even if it takes till oct, even nov but i want that one house sold. even if it is not, that is my wish. i will manage and work on it largely as if i was not selling- i mean in terms of improvements and enhancements that aren't bank breaking.

Time is going to go fast. i want to capture it. the winter was a banger. Make clear the way for selling.

I also want to participate more on the world stage- if and when i am ready. i have so many heroes. so many paid the cost. Everyone wants personal glory- to outshine, and credit arising from insecurity or whatever. I'll say "I just want my share". i want my share to be big but i recognize it is only my share and others get and deserve and need their share, and that share should be pleasure full as well as other things, and i paid the cost, am paying the cost and will pay the cost- that's how i see it. i am a creditor to life or the world or the system or society. i see it as owing me - a lot and i don't know if i will collect but i want a lot. hear me- i want a lot, i want to live, i want glory like agamemnon wanted it. i don't want to be false modest. from my inner perspective i want to go for it, i want a lot when it's time when i'm ready when i have prepared but floating above myself i want my share. shares vary. i want others to have their share obviously. Karma- aint it something. it is something to study- with military logistics and military errors of ancient history- books i have and things i think about but karma karma. I do think the gods move us. what we decide to do - who in us decided and why? What dominos preceded us?

Eventually i want to be away from computers. i'm on one now so i can write a lot but gravity moved me here because there was no better path. i would rather have better paths and hope to have them later. our ancestors males didn't need computers. They didn't need blogs and posts and blog posts. it is a way to organize and convey coherent thought and make a snapshot but they are not the ends in themselves.

 

[odyseus]

fuck- depletion and agitation and shitty transmission

even when i win i feel depleted and robbed because its a shitty environment in a shitty country full of greed and pettyness

i was always better than it but I didn't trust my gut enough

my mind is powerful but my transmission sucks. an example of that is the keyboard. it constrains too m

 

[odyseus]

case i point


fuck this shit..i need better transmission

things don't come out as intended regularly and things are just too small so too much focus is needed for too little

too many things jack the attentijn

shame

what one woman told me was ayip in turkish

transmission is a HUGE problem

transmissions of all types are always failing or costing too much

theres also a cost to confirmation and to proof

life has been giving me headaches, wven as I'm making progress on things

i discovered nice relaxing Persian music to listen to

f trump

reading history of persia book from outside the ever biased western perspective starting with the Greeks

i love the greeks as it were - not changing sides but i love truth

reading also this book Anatomy of Error, read about Xerxes foibles

i want to be a coiled spring with force

i want to start collectinh returns on all my investments and self extensions

i want to achieve exit velocities and unstoppable momentum

no more stress headaches

bigger

bigger frame

stronger back to carry anyones challenge- slow moving slow committing slow opening

i had good nice day in court, impressed with my landlord service legal team- one time fee. i know how it works. now i never need to be present. got a deal hashed out. now i collect or its instant writ. fucker had someone else living there paying him. just met her. shes nice, was stressed, she was caught off guard. didn't tell me about cotenant

I'll get paid or my place back- over the year 10k catch up

my gum hurts a bit- not painful as much as worrying or worth tracking

had headaches last few days unusually

so much I'm carrying which i dont want to i dont consent to

interfaces suck now. transmission sucks. escape velocity is the way. selling and refi- the tenant thing is done

it takes a while but the system does have teeth. if he defaults its on his record and a judgment comes

now I'm downtown

i know others struggle with the same surface stuff i do but they tolerate it like bitches - fatigue and entropy and fragmentation so depending on them is depending on someone going through the same but they can still look one in the eye. IT SEEMS THAT THAT WOULD BE GROUNDING but Nooooopo

they want to be cogs

yeah so interested in learning more abouy Persian emoire and place in world history. still they were first to i guess think in such extremes, polar yes or no lie or truth- Xerxes. Zarathustra was the father i guess of binary truth vs lie that was adopted by an imperial state and lived out and I'm not getting this from fred in germany but source based history direct. the greeks had more nuance. pros and cons, the mixing of history but the us is just -- i cant say here because i neither want to reduce or unpack but who discovers the world discovers a corpse

some days you hust have to get through but how did this tuen?

when am i out, when am i fucking loving and loving a girl? when am i seen? i am never seen here alway used, used by my parents uses by my family always uses by the system my foreskin was harvested has nobody shame? foregen is coming

contain capture and cage and harvest. get through the cracks

the transmission sucks

the medium is the strategy. the friction is the strategy. like powerwolf sang - MY Will Be Done

temporary headaches are a small price to pay for becoming bigger than them in frame

 

[odyseus]

"They've injected nothing in me"- for all their efforts

they irritated me plenty and wasted so much time and made me doubt myself, take on excessive responsibility [note that i NEVER accepted the nice guy framing. I NEVER sought to be a nice guy. I am what i am. If i have to play act over anything substantive I'm not sovereign]

They fragment my attention and it irritates me but I'm probably just noticing things more as a sign of progress that were already always there. I am emerging.

There is a system will to inject. Most people are zombies by which i mean acting out some alien aim AND trying to get others out of the game into the game. Those two things a zombie make and zombies are highly in sync with each other. Ideas do not need to be unpacked or articulated

People are made zombies by the injection

Before injection comes the softening. well, its ever present but thats a way. there are so many roads back to square one wherein the system can reset ones progress.

btw nobody talks about class in america or permeability.

One of three things done
two more to go
maybe more will emerge but i learned a pattern

oh I'm back home in my bath now.
It was wonderful until I heard noises and then it reminded me this is not my home

i used to be happy with what i could count, kind of.

I was never money obsessed but when I started investing in real estate I wanted to see gains and I also wanted to see escape from the 9:00 to 5.

now the standard is higher. I need peace and prosperity

I had strategic progress today. I learned how things work legally, procedurally. I can easily take care of this remotely.

All I want to do all I have ever wanted to do is to continue open as a man as I grow as a person open in spirit growing wisdom grow in intelligence

I was reading the winner effect today where I picked it up and I didn't even get one sentence farther than where I was several months ago because I last read it several months ago. I don't read to swallow ideas I read to digest them and assimilate them. last I read that book he was talking about the need for power and I wanted to dwell on that concept. need can mean multiple things and power can mean multiple things so assuming everyone has a so-called need for power assuming that that has so many meanings and he maybe has a specific definition for it a technical term I get that but I'm unpacking the idea as if it's my own and I don't like the word power because it's too broad. sometimes you can say exactly the same thing you mean to say with a more specific word. sometimes the situation calls for surplus or optionality or influence or access or responsibility or capability or authorization so or just money so why use the word power when you can use one of those words and bring more clarity. I'm not against the idea of seeking power but what power do you want? There's a cost. And also what is need? he was talking about Tony Blair having a need for power but need how? A psychological craving for it or what. We need to go into details if we're going to use these kind of terms

so that's why I stopped reading the book several months ago intending of course to pick it back up again probably. I was never that impressed by the book but it had a lot of good food for thought but there's much better books. I'm reading a book on the history of the CIA right now. I didn't plan to. already it's opening my mind and really making me think differently cuz I had no idea. it's good to know the history of a thing before you form too strong of opinions. most people's opinions are just feelings that they picked up over the course of life without much cultivation or consciousness. That's not what I want to have. I want to cultivate awareness so that my opinions are most valid

But I last read the winner effect before Chicago last fall I think it was only after that time then the North shore I think when I got into deep structuralism like Max Weber and even opening to Karl Marx not that I believe in his communism but I don't even know what he really says but the idea of analyzing structural forces is what's important. Americans are so blind to forces and geometries. we are a "you can just pull yourself up by the boot shops type of person" And I say let's do it. Marks was always even before I read him and I haven't read that much but I'm open to him But even before I read him when I rejected him I was like he still a manual for success. he says capital owners are the most free? then get capital that's the game plan. now I learned he talks about surplus and surplus extraction so now I know my game plan don't have my surplus extracted. it's not that I'm trying to create a system based on his ideology but he maybe articulates things but I started being open to that and other ideas so but this was all in the last several months. I think liberalism what we have in the West what people don't know that's what it is They think they're conservative but they're super liberal from the point of view of monarchies or theocracies like Iran there somewhere in the middle and they're saying oh these fucking liberals But their economically neoliberal and what they want to do it seems like or maybe they don't but the effect of what they do is to export America's problems and culture to everywhere else the Walmart culture the Netflix culture. if that's not what would happen then tell me what would happen? The discord. is it not like that? The children disobeying their parents. is that not the case? so why? why do these conservatives do that? they're zombies that's why and I think the so-called liberals in America maybe they don't have the answers maybe they don't understand history but they've broken the spell But I still think both sides have partial truths we can't throw everything out but they've become fractured and separated from themselves both zombies in different ways for the most part

anyway I'm reading like dozens of books and then partway through most of them but I trust my body and I trust my mind to tell me when to progress and when to pause so I can let the ideas percolate. The goal is the assimilation of ideas in making them my own or transforming them if they do not quite sit fully right or unpack them. yeah, so slow is the right way but the system forces me to go slow in business dealings because it just moves slow but it does seem to go steady or it does seem to go in the right direction if I can hold my patience

and shout out to the gospel of Thomas for telling me that you need rest so you're not devoured. I get fatigued by the day and then people just go to sleep and then wake up and repeat the cycle but I realize I can refresh myself you know and then you're reset kinda and ready for another round. That's not to sound like an optimist cuz there's still so much shit all around me but you see it clearly and clearly and if I had the cash buffer I had a year ago or two years ago holy shit that'd be so much more free but I have more property now with more revenue so I just have to get that buffer back and sell my biggest burden and then things might be pretty good once I move and I no longer live in a shared unit but live in my own private little home. It doesn't have to be big. I see changes around the horizon. I hope to see them. I've always tried to well actually I haven't been thinking this consciously but maybe unconsciously I've always wanted to be like I was in my '20s traveling the world whatever or free at least and adventurous but also settled or deepening with investments and all that stuff. you could call it digital nomad and that's kind of cool but that doesn't describe it completely. well maybe I'll find a way to bridge these two. if I have enough revenue and surplus both maybe I could even do writing and also a quiet space and supportive city and then maybe I can sell books or ebooks or something. I think first I want to sell ebooks just to make more money before I try writing with my own name for other reasons but I don't know. yeah cash grab I know what you say but it would teach me about the process and it would introduce a kind of discipline and telos that I think could be good grounding and disciplining.

it's Thursday so tomorrow is Friday so that means the weekend is coming although the weather is going to be shit one more final time this year but I made it to the weekend another recharge although they're not fully recharges but I made it and I got to the eviction now I just need to get the refi And the sale. this was good today because it was a proof of concept as well as getting things moving forward with this specific case. Even so the afternoon felt like shit for petty reasons just details nothing to do with that. yeah so that's life. this place requires a person to always have vigilance. I bet that geography is differen on that regard. Even my neighborhood requires it a little bit but not a lot but a little bit but more than I want to have to have so that's that I guess.

it's not that I'm trying to carry other people's load on my back or whatever. it's that I want to be excellent, at what I do and it's that I don't want to be exposed to risk or liability or injection so anyway I end up carrying a load And people don't see that fact they just judge me on the surface because hear more than anywhere they judge you on the surface but if you go elsewhere they don't. They can see your eyes. maybe it's because they don't look people in the eyes that they judge you on the surface here. They judge people extremely on the surface I think here positively and negatively And it's just as weird when I'm once in a while judged positively by someone too quickly too much. I just want them to slow down and be fair and reasonable and present but that's not what they are here. They are like that in other places like Boston was good and Texas was good and California but not here even Wisconsin was so much different so much better but not here. They just don't do that. they're very surface judging. That's my experience so they don't know the load I'm carrying and they don't know that their limits are not my limits but you do well here when you have a network when you're in network. this place is like insurance. It helps to be in network. you still got to go slow and everything but everything's about being in network socially sexually so I think that's what's true so I don't know so yeah oh boy. from my perspective it feels like I pay such a cost to get so little but I'm not even a nice guy I'm a man trying to forge ahead. One woman I know like me kind of an old roommate from a very long time ago she was cute and responsible and she said yes to going out but then she backed out. it's just that their chickens. That's another thing their chickens here. you don't have to psychoanalyze deeply. maybe people are anxious everywhere A little bit I know I get that but here they're trebly so. you can almost predict the cancellation the day before I'm sorry long text when there was never even actually any risk as far as you saw on their end. it's weird they see risks that you don't see and you're trying hard to understand that not everyone sees the world like you do that they are women but you still don't see how they can see so many risks given the entirety of the context but they see them they see social risks or whatever they see I don't know but they're chickens here who judge on the surface and they depend on networks and they don't see the price I paid to get what I have in life and I would have gotten so much farther I'm sure if I would have just lived somewhere else and that's my tragedy but I'm trying to make that not my future. I got to cut the cords here and that's what I'm trying to do everyday little by little but the system goes at its own pace but that's what I'm trying to do day by day