I'm fukt

[odyseus]

minnesota churches operate on the scarcity-approval system

there's background scarcity- extreme in many cases and then there's conditional approval- familial etc

it is fun to be in network

i was in network just by being myself in austin, no conditions

i got a lot of work done closure wise, payment wise. I seem to be getting ahead but very slowly. I had to replace nine appliances in the last few months. can you say deferred fucking maintenance? at least I'm not going backward- that's pretty good But I'm in the absorber pattern. I absorb the load I absorb the work. I have so many hats to wear. enforcer today and collector active collector when people don't just pay you. reminder it's annoying and many other roles.

I've been so busy that I haven't been thinking about loving and shit. since I got back from Austin in November I realized this place was dead and I just had to hibernate through but the winter's almost over but I've been working on my exit plan which is refi and sell this one so I'm working on this but I can't force it- it's step-by-step.

Man supposing Ovid knows the game which I think he did - he had the knowledge But he was blind to two things. It depended on his social class and it depended on him not being exiled. Even then there are many in the class that were maybe awkward dweebs so he did have something But it just depended on things but I got in that state last year where it felt like I was magic I just had this confidence.

too many things loaded on me but now I'm thinking again right now about how I'm fucked but we'll see. it's always me paying everything. you don't even want to know what I was reading today just a little bit ago and earlier. I'm still working on building my aura and my exit velocity. My frame. My framed withstand any fuckers. I saw some three white guys younger guys talking maybe in their '30s. There's a certain kind of Minnesota white male who always stays within the bounds. They were actually good at communicating to each other but they stay within the approved script. That's so fucking boring and predictable if for no other reason than that. One of them was discounting himself from the dating field cuz he's too busy with stuff and he's 10 years older than other people or whatever the fuck. It was so sad to hear. I want to tell them get the fuck out of this place and go see the world. they're following the rules of this place now granted the structures control what happens I've talked about that at length but they're voluntarily following them rather than raging at them. granted the others have dates maybe I don't know. this place rewards a certain personality- not the conformist because all of them were but the one type that has a certain type of Minnesota confidence let's call it. I don't even want that even if I could have it I want my own kind of confidence. there are kinds and brands of confidence And what I considered confidence in the expression of confidence was never what other people wanted to see or expected to see. My confidence was never legible. That's the fucking problem

fuck this bullshit I worked hard on confidence but on the confidence I was proud of. My confidence was never legible oh and there is that one where everyone loves of course when you have so much surplus and momentum the winner effect of course yeah I agree that's the best but until you get there until you get that you need some more fundamental type of confidence and that was never legible two other people for me

I feel so fucked like I was doomed and yet what I started thinking about earlier was Stephanie and Abby who loved me and to wear amazing girls I could have pursued them harder and probably got them they're beautiful they're intelligent and this was in the last two or three years maybe three going on 3 years now but it feels like yesterday. Man I could have been with one of those I probably should have been I'm only getting fucking older in this fucking sucks and I'm always as trying to live in my balls you know in my head and my heart and everything a whole person but my balls right now when I feel hurt. They won't give me another chance I know one of them's taken maybe both are taken but the window has passed but they would care about me but a person can only give what they have to give. There's a female manager product manager on our team who's awesome I like her she's older but she reminds me of an older Abby and she has sympathy and she's a good person with good energy and responsible. I fucked it with these girls. One of them was my coworker basically my work wife the other was a girl I met climbing on the periphery of our group appeared I went like every week with this friend group several years ago and I don't want to do that again it's exhausting I want to get ready to move but I want the benefit of community I've paid my time I've paid into all this shit. It doesn't work like that I know but God damn it fucking should something should fucking work, society should fucking work and not be so broken. I was applying principles my whole life as soon as I learned them from pick up or from wherever I would always try to apply principles but here the principles go in reverse. David D'Angelo used to talk about how the stuff of history is wild I don't know what he said but intrigues and dramas but here it's the opposite they flatten that shit out so I come with that mindset ready to view things ready to be intrigued by drama but here people just want flat and boring

There's been a few good women but very few and then I don't know what to do how to escalate because usually they're high sticks they don't want just I don't know I can't say anything general but Jessica was easy she just let me have fun I didn't have to worry about what I was doing.

I want to be clear Stephanie and Abby and also Tatiana who actually got with Stephanie and Abby were different from all the others or for most of the others. I mean to say that you know when a woman likes you. Stephanie was really close at work she was open she looked at me with eyes sometimes and she was open with her heart and she stood by me in meetings and Abby too she made a point to be the things I was organizing and one time climbing she said let me see how the master does it and she said it a certain way and this other girl briefly what's her name Sydney she made it clear briefly from church that she was interested and some others but I fucked these up. I didn't want to get with Sydney even though she was gorgeous. that was still hard though to reject her, to Pass over her at the time but in retrospect it's not that big of a deal. But dating coaches say don't chase wait till they treat you and show you that they like you. A few girls did which indicate that that's how supposed to be but they're so rare. they're almost non-existent and I could try to make myself more visible when I'm not fucking doing real estate or my day job and when it's not the freezing fucking winter when you can't fucking go out as you try to navigate these mn norms. I'm trying to escape I'm trying to exit how am I supposed to get the fucking velocity I'm trying to be harder stronger etc by the way when I'm hard and when I'm very hard I'm playful on the surface because hard to me means I'm hard as fuck on the inside and social and graceful on the outside but only as necessary or when the fuckers have earned it because I know there's so much fucking irony here it's all just one big fucking irony shit show

I don't celebrate little wins anymore. well I kind of do they kind of turn things around they can give me some dopamine but at the end of the day they're not enough The years are still sliding by and I should have got someone at age fucking 20 you know fuck what the fuck I was a man at 20 I was more of a man than many people were not a function of age it's a function of other things to function of culture And this is a fucking system with too many things I can't control. I guess I dated Erica for a while it went on four fucking dates with her that's a lot for me she backed out but showed interest again in a couple months later she was seeing someone when I reached out. she was nice she was tall she was doing carnivore she had a good sense of humor but she had her flaws but she was good she was sweet she was so tall. I should have gone after sex more with her because that's what she probably needed That's what a lot of people need but they don't know they need it and they have rules against it and I respond to their energy. this is part of the problem They need a man a prince to awaken them like sleeping beauty but going against the resistance is exhausting. A man either has to have super high testosterone and drive or else really strong willpower to overcome the resistance which I can do - i didn't know that was the necessary thing. I guess I thought things were tracking or I was waiting for her to get polar with me more flirtatious more chemistry but here they're so passive. They want you to do everything and they want you to do everything against the cultural resistance and that's not even spoken but now I see that you need to sex them so they awake and so they discover sex. it's almost like they have never discovered sex. They have the longing deep inside but they're unawakened so that's how I messed up with Erica and I needed to sex Abby and Stephanie too. with them it would have been great because we had had a legitimate emotional connection and psychological connection especially Stephanie who I knew the most But yeah I don't get many opportunities even though I'm willing to do what it takes to get them but even if I wasn't so burdened which I'm not that burdened- I'm not that free but I'm not that burned either but it comes in waves but it was also the winter. What I mean is I'm willing to follow good advice about getting out there and meeting people but only when it's worth my fucking time and my fucking sacrifice and the fucking risk. I've always taken risks but they've always bitch slapped me. there might be a counterintuitive rule don't take risks don't expose yourself do what is certain to work. would Napoleon take bold risks? only if it was a necessary or high expected value gambit like he did on the bridge i ln west italy. he wouldn't be stupid about it. so yeah what the fuck I get jealous of other people getting some like that fucking tour guide for the beer crawl in Ljubljana- The native he gives everyone a tour and he's fun and but nothing special But then he was kissing this girl at the dance part afterward for my group and I bet he does that to everyone. I bet he does that every time but I got a few dances with some hot girls French girls got a young Swiss girls number but I didn't score or anything even though I had my own bedroom in the hostel and I could have scored theoretically but man that makes me so fucking jealous that other people get to have the fun What the fuck. In that case it was timing and just need more time there I think and more momentum confidence. The problem there was not culture. The problem here is culture because I still had fun there But I do not tolerate second place Or I do not accept it as my final verdict. I don't know. people I work with probably assume I'm dating or married. They don't know I've been single for life. I'm expected to do my job expected to do my real estate expected to do everything people assume I'm happy or I'm in love or something in a relationship I don't even know what that feels like and the world is evil. There's one organization I was reading about today that did a lot of targeted assassinations. I have a huge book on it on how they do that and how they're so secretive. They think they have a right to just kill anyone who threatens or opposes them including innocent bystanders And they have this support of the government and even the West. I'm talking about the killing here it's immoral. it violates One of their own commandments. this is people's lives messed up but anyway I'm probably safe and sound But just imagine people are living their family lives and someone gets blown up. What the fuck That's so fucking horrible.

 

[odyseus]

frame is so hard

frame is so hard

literally the world tries to extract and weigh on someone

and even things that people want- loans, sales, justice, etc-- move so slow like molasses

the system is slow

i fight everything that opposes me, because my desires and needs are reasonable and fair and therefore opposition needs to be destroyed or convertedt hats where frame come in i suppose

non sequitor i get frustrated and loaded up by bs it induces something in me

my gut was feeling all night because i woke up feeling an emotionally active and contracted or vigilant gut

this is a bit new

now during the day irritable stressors make me feel like a boxer or kickboxer

i have no desire to be one but it produces that affect, that effect. i wanna kick things and bounce

i want to keep opening and keep breaking free, keep exiting, keep getting surplused

i HATE going through narrow passages, narrow straights like
- appeasing my work managers etc at least until i have independent income
- appeasing lenders until loans close
- make sure justice system stuff passes

i hate dependency graphs

i hate not understanding whats going on- at work or on the other end of things. i like responsive communiction

even writing a message on the phone keyboard or even computer is a strait- it requires compression. keys or at least buttons on phones and sites are too small- smaller than they have to be, and i have an ultra

fuck narrow straits and passes
fuck recurrence

i am seeing patterns

this is what it is but other entropy falls in

fuck entropy or uncontrolled variables

i see one out my window. storms are coming. i see now this summer i have a tree to get removed. fuck these variables. of course there is a cost. there is always a cost

i didnt know failure was so common, demand was so high, concentration was so demanded all the time

i am very money based as a person as opposed to relationship based right now. i would like to live more off relationships, or support others for the same

fuck entropy
fuck dumping
fuck shitty technology and fuck coercion and depletion . fighting hard in this life for order (non entropy takeover) and boundaries and reciprocity etc etc

 

[odyseus]

i was never weak internally, in spirit but i got confused and misguided

they taught me patience- hard i think

i am selling my property. i do need patience. patience here as elsewhere is a virtue.

other times in slow systems it is a necessary evil but if a system is chronically slow on the essentials it is a bad system

i need to cultivate good patience and reject bad patience. milking

i dont think i need much to be happy. thats the tragedy but many are suffering in many places- palestinians, gazans.

i am stilltrying to understand myself, why i react the way i do and the world around me, how it is. i don't think ive paid enough attention to the transmission layer and the interface layer. things are compressed. this messes with a deep level autonomous instinctive blame function when many interfaces are just not suited for one. it is a good thing to be able to pay close attention to things and see what is before ones face

 

[odyseus]

Oh Life.

I want to say for sure, silence i beautiful and a hidden actor for wellness as well as non computer use.

My favorite times in the evenings and weekends when i read in public around people is not just when i'm around good people having good conversations and i hav good books (I always have good books) but when I don't open my computer.

These things are evil but first silence.

I woke up today saturday morning around 8. I had some sweet thoughts. I have load to carry and I was feeling that. I was feeling in that liminal state how the world is a war for attention.

I had deep and profound and connected thoughts

It has been fairly quiet here this morning with some horns but i hae to move.

as you know i can't move or move as weaily until some things are accomplished.

Btw i am not correcting my typos here. there have been several.

i wanted to say the other thing that erodes me besides noise is technology. it really trainds me.

computers should be easier, and websites. things are made small. buttons are made small

maybe when i don't have that much surplus, even small contradictions of the will hit hard and send me into a rage, even when i was pleasant before. missing the click by a few millimeters.

i realize thigns are so small, designed so small and it contracts consciousness and focus and induces vigilance

in a broader way, the world is being designed around these things, phones and apps. my phone is very useful (I'm not on it now actually bc i had some business to do - some quick and easy business haha or so i thought on the main one) but it is also a curse in many ways depending on the mood. one thing remains the principle: I am the sovereign- I am the consumer not the consumed I am the user not the used, it is made for me not me for it

This kind of stuff sent me in a rage the other day- yesterday. i broke some glasses and cut myself on it in my fingers.

that sent me into a rage wher i did a lot of cleaning, which wa needed. i have needs for a lot of things

this morning i was reading baout the persians. i have a great book on their history. i also have a thick book on indian history i just started yesterda- work wtih a lot of indians but i am getting into the persian book. it is fascinating. this is the land where the silk roads existed and this area ties so many things together in world history understanding.
- even the greek stuff

what if i typed something out online like a typewriter where i couldn't go back. there is only a forward record.

thatis new consciousness

anyway computers and phones and sites are fucking small. even the close icon of a tab is amall. one really has to focus with nmotor skills and that attritions the self consciousness. i was reading about the medes and persians - pre cyrus this morning the nomad horsemen. i don't idealize anything because there were other htings but what a life that would have been compared to us- and nobody would need classes or be scircumcized or any shit like that. yeah they had to go to war but how often? now we live in a civilized invisible cage but ther are ways out i'm sure, i know, steadlily. don't go fast, go slow and observe first, and i need to slow down and keep my place clean. entropy sucks. the only thing really changing and growing in my life is more books being bought so that takes up space but i'm not buying any more properties, i'm selling them so entropy should stabilize.

i deserve far more in life than i got but many do but the main thing is mitsmatch but what a cost is mismatch

that will be fixed when i move.

i am thinking strategically and tactically and at the level of policy. policy is the level few thing about. i'm reading about ancietn military errors- anatomy of error book and sun tsu and all that- above srategy is policy but who decides policy?

there is strategic policy and values policy. it is har if impossible to argue or change vaue policy especially when it is intrinsic but anyway inside the self that's when you have to get all yoru parts aligned in an inner council. they are aligned perfectly when you don't hera any lash.

anyway if every morning was silent and very day like it was this morning and like it is when i am up north and if i didn't need to do computer and tech much- which direction i am trying to organie my life, then i think things could be a lot better, in a flow state etc and i need community and visibility. Confucious talks about how wonderful it is to learn but also to be met wtih friends visiting. those are the fist lines of his book. i have the former i need the latter. i am not without friends but not like that.

iif i suffer this techno shit and alienation then surely everyone does or many do. i know for a fact i'm not uniuq.e

evern if i don't make mistakes, typos misclicks that frustrate my will- because yes i wanted to talk about the loser effect even if i don't make thiose, to do things right it seems i still need to focus so much attention- and yes when i wa doing my rage cleaning yesterday i noticed and observed how much resistence everthing gives- so how much force is necessary to push everthing through. when did the world require such force? I don't remember this. I want to reserve my force for important things not mundane transmission things. that seems like such a waste, and narrowing my focus seems like such a waste. for the last ten years i have invested a decent amount in rgonomics and ergonomic things whenre i sepnt a lot of my time but i guess its insufficient

it's the attrition that suffers, which is why this matters and also the loser effect- oh yes. this does not breech my identity. my spirit is sovereign and ountouched but tat the level of brain somewhere there is a lower effect. i am getting tired of these typos btw but fuck. this is what i mean.

The loser effect is the opposite of the winner effect, the flow and such from winning. i am kind of or you can describe my situation in life right now as a cycle of loser effect on loser effect and me resisting at every turn but it coming into me as a stream at every level. granted i have had wins. in court and hoefuly going to get a refinance and that will be huge and other htings but there's way too much losing on the small scale or miscro scale (tech) -- which is often what sends me off the most paradoxcially, and at the mid level and then definitely at the big level. where is my wife and fam? I ahve some good things going for me but it' snot a enoguh. it's a bad bargain. jesus actaully helped me see that and validate that- int he gospel of thomas. when you see your likeness. or 'this hevaen and the one above it will pass away' or 'he who discovers the world' but even in eneral it is obvious that more is deserved. I hate thiese fucking systems and the shitty systems

I found a battern in bold lettering. control b makes it bold but to unbold it one has to do control b three times. not once, not twice but three. I like seeing patterns. patterns bring me sanity. I need sanity. i am always in need for more sanity and clarity. i was seeing this counsellor mostly to talk to and share my life with, pressure release and connection but today they told me in an email that i owe 200 when the insurance was always paying for it. out of network or something. fuck them. we'll get that sorted. i don't even need to see her for therapy. i olnly do it to get her paid because she's cool by the system and get some time out of work and perspective but in any ideal world this shit would not be necessary but ow they fucking switch things up on me?

But that makes me less angery than the little micro techno shit. that shit i think hits the brain at the level of contracdiction, or the level of execusiontion execution i mean. it's an impulsive executino to type or whatever and then get contradictioed or get pop ups and the lternative is to go slow but too slow and even then one has to focus too much. there is no good way, none. better tools are esesential but they madke gcrap these days i think so even if one wanted to spent more they might be hard to find and that rquires requirest requires research anyway and it doesn't designchange the design of websites anyway and we are often coerced to go on website websites and 2fa is often required. what if i don't want to be married to my this fucking phone thing? This is pure coercion of a sytsystem. there are no good modes of the system. gratitude, wahtevewhatever, i'm gratefdugrateful for whatever i have as needed. I can be grateful- there's a lot to be grateful for but i also believe in resentment. the two i haev said need to be balacnedbalanced. -- and i know what i my head is eelingfeeelingfeeling. the winner effect sdoes something in the brain reargregarding dopamine or something, whatever but this is the same in reverse the loser effect but i know i'm not alone in it and it doesnt' eaffect my will or identity- only my brain state. i will not lose . instead i pull back and come to see the world in a bigger better way and i see streams of behavior of other people, like i will see when i go out today and see everyone huddled. it becomes a nonew norm or new normal anyway. the way they sit, strestare, move, make eye contact or avoid making eye contact evtetc. this is how the civilization works and exists in 20256. i am fine for us our civilization to get a new shock. Amazingly to you maybe i can survive shocks really well i think. I am very stable. I can stand shocks that wouldtooptopp would topply toppe topple many but these micro stressors with not enough pay or value attack me internally in my gut and brain and irritate me but give me a real existential shock- pipes bursting or a gun or whatever and i ma am braced and ready, alert but calm. already thinking of a laplan but these little things squeeze and drain and deplete me especially when people can't even make eye contact. connection with a real person- a real connection is very grounding. That and time and rest but the connection is what is the fastest.

i am frustrated newnow but i am going out. but i was feeling pretty good waking up and reading. even aftera few horns. these things attack mental capacity and flow. I had/wanted to gon go on the computer BRIEFLY to do some SMALL business. THere is always omsomething more The whole system wants MORE MORE MORE. FUck that. NO MORE. But little things provoked me in the first. They despoiled my good mood. Typing this out has not helped but i wanted to do it but it was already spoilt from a few things which tell me COMPUTERS ARE EVIL AND SUCK- A NECESSARY EVIL THAT I KNOW ALSO AFFORD OTHER POWERS- SO MUCH LEARNING AND BUSINESS AT A DISTANCE BUT THEY ARE EVIL TOO TO MOOD AND SPIRIT

I was happier waking up and seeing a cleaned kitchen and living room. I still have to get enough rage to do my upstairs living area and car and push through the resistence. There is too much microresistance and friction in everything. i dont' remember it being so existeant but it is existant now. I neefeel it in my brain because i am tracking life. I track the center energie s of thing energies of things, of systems and I think i see how there is a coercive design even if not intentinoal intentinoal intentinoal intentional but if nto inten not intentinoa intentional then exploited. but even if nto not that, then enough fshit that nobody tries to fix. This is not how we're meant to live, community -less and or having community conditioned on church religion monotheism or any other drastic thing and we are not meant to live with row crop agriculture everywhere, monoculture of rows and sprays. i saw a nice video of that of circular design today bracketed with my war stuff, iran war stuff and also one yesterday on hemp building materials- bricks that self cure and are fire proof, insect retardant and also this heating solution this kind of stove or oven that spreads, light once, fuel efficient, that doesn't exhaust heat from teh biulding at high temps- the romans i guess new and it and others but laws get in the way of all these things or culture and economy.

I am interested in this kind of thing too- solutions and beauty. I am not a hippy but i did do organic farming in california in my 20s . i'm not all about being angry. it's a shitty design of life. It's a carcass at every fucking angle. I like the privileges i have but we could have so much more. also this moighmight be nobody's fault but we also lost the chestnuts and elms- those trees. i saw a video of the lems this elms this morning or herad heard it whiel while cleaning. youtbtyoutube is recommending these to me because i am consuming them, in the last 4 days. What a horribly designed world and country. Tht's ThatThatThat's all i gotta say

But as i identify causes of shit with greater resolution, mayb emaybe i can navigate betebetter and be better. There is so much shit to judge as horrible, and try to avoid. i am trying to avoid all this but i was coerced into it. the city coerces me into its share of things via real estate. it's still worth doing in large part and oas are other things but they have hese these coercion hooks. This tires and frustrates my brain. connection makes it calm but i don't have that much and the condconnection is conditionalized.. which is wha's evil in the world! Stop conditionalizing connection (not that there isn't qualification but i mean don't try to harvest side benefit, induce conformity, smallness etc-- its sick). The rationing of appoval and female attention here is HORRIBLE and it makes men weak and small. FUCKKKKKKKK. I am a great friend and resource but i do not fucking bow. the system is sick.

i woke up in a good fucking mood in silence- that has to be remembreremembered. That's what perspective here requires....which also tells me this is one of the main things that attacks me during my worlk day. now hopefully i dont have to fucking turn on the copmuter or phone today. Those EVIL fucking systems, those substitutes for real connection and community.

 

[odyseus]

what we neglect attacks

even things we don't neglect will attack but at least we'll see them coming

the more i think and go deep the more i see that all is war and capture. the system, tech wants to use and extract

there is also escalation, this side that side. different cultures have different characters

not everyone is turn the other cheek.

america doesn't honor its enemy

there are militaries that are focused on cloak and dagger

I'm reading a book rise and kill first

one cannot ignore anything, anyone

anyone's anger or vengeance is liable to resurface

people are always running blame functions

this world- war on so many levels

how does one emerge? i want to emerge and rise above- and avoid being killed or consumed even if my flesh dies

it doesn't matter whats true and whats legend, it matters what people believe in some respects

i was thinking with all the stress it puts me so much in my forebrain , more than a person is designed to be, so its hard to be there but necessary

there is so much war

and on the surface the normies are happy

i don't get it

either they are numb or they are bought out and willfully blind or they are bought out and actually oblivious but they are legion and many don't know and don't care but many are opinionated

easily nudged

as mason guy said in the first chapter- i have his book among 700 others but i only read one chapter so far, the masses are brute force mallet which must be wielded- by his ilk of course-- but hes right, they are, especially in lesser educated or non critically educated plus rich and soft societies-- america america

but war surrounds. ST said it best- on no account can be neglected

nobody has ever called me paranoid
i don't talk much shit so why would they
and yet i have a fear of being called that
thats worth examining

i just want to not be drunk. i want to have eyes to see. i want to make the left like the right the top like the bottom etc

the world aims to coerce and induce but what else is new? but one has to understand groups and powers and what one neglects is most likely to be what surprises

a guy attacked me on fb or insulted me on marketplace today sarcastically because of an asking price.

someone, a young punk, a uofm grad with nothing better to do just insulted me on marketplace. he thought the price was high. good luck brother he said, i should pay to get it off my hands

i told him 6 things- its a debt play, present value, cash flow, price is negotiable, im not in a hurry I'm having fun but he said i don't have time to read an essay old man

i look and feel young but i am getting older

THIS WAS UNPROVOKED
I'm not escalating with him. in fact i reported him but from his prof he had a gf, friends, a minnesota smile

he is the norm here

he insulted me without provocation

that is what this place is

do i take it personally?
No

do i take it seriously- YES ever moreso. THEY DONT DO THIS IN HEALTHY CULTURES, probably not texas so much or croatia or spanish latino culture etc

this is very much an attack or a stay in your place signal, as well as performative dominance, but for what or whom? i would punish if and as i can

i am reading Alexander's campaigns by Arrian, enjoying them

i would punish and inflict pain if i could

no place for stoicism but what avail?

but this culture does that

it is not nice

THERE IS NO NICE IN MINNESOTA NICE AND not that hes lutheran but i believe now finally there is a lutheran mafia

see what is before your face and the mysteries will become clear

there is no honor

old man?

this state it is all but proven, my bad bet, made me older and single. it rewarded him because hes "in network" and compliant to norms, vicious norms, though I don't think his gf was that hot. ive had better smarter women like me but shes alright and he does have somebody

this state living here this long aged me as a single man childless and now it mocks me for it. its a 2-fer and i dont take this personally but i take this seriously. i take this very seriously

once i had sex with this woman my senior year

i had been abroad my junior spring semester and didn't know where i was living so i chose the international center dorm and got placed with a latino guy but a small weaker one- nice enough guy but one time i actually got a girl back and i asked him to leave

i gave her an orgasm with my fingers after having read something, some technique and afterward her friend was staring at me her cuter friend a few days later across the table

its just me

i might be thinking of the wrong girl

it could have been the girl from the czech rep visiting but anyway the latino guy told the admin or sth

the fuck?

i think the latino guy had a gf too

i didnt used to care that much not havingy own space or noises. suddenly i do

but anyway i remember the fat dean of housing or whatever sitting me down telling me "shes gonna be someone's wife someday" trying to make me feel shame or guilt or something

if it was the czech girl she don't give a fuck
if it was the other girl i gave an orgasm to, shes happy

NOBODY INCLUDING THIS ULTRA FAT FUCK ACTUALLY GAVE ME ANY REAL HELP IN GETTING A GF, WHICH IS WHAT I WANTED THOUGH NOT DESPERATELY

ITS ALL RULES BUT ZERO SUPPORT, ALL PASSIVE SHIT NO DIRECT CLARIFICATION

This was also like in 2004

my father was happy to pay my grandparents money to them and he was happy about me buying real estate here too i guess. i am happy about the real estate kinda. theres one property holding me back and down but its an overal good idea but my own father is happy for me to be tethered, doesn't care that I don't get laid or anything

THESE PEOPLE AND THIS PLACE INCLUDING MY OWN PARENTS WERE AND ARE SO TWISTED, SO UNNATURAL and they always have been and the only thing in all of this that doesn't make any sense is why i stayed here so long. stoicism, building a career, blindness, etc?

its a war thats hard to fight because its a war against everything, a war against the system in its entirity and the system is not changing

its a constrained system

i am learning about constrained systems and specifically overconstrained systems (rigged or impossible systems) as well as irony and ways these same systems disguise themselves

hendersen says go where you're treated best

i dont want that

i only want to go where I'm treated well or treated fairly, or even reasonably fairly but he is right about the need for relocation. he just got the phrasing a little wrong for my nature

try the system crush my spine. it only makes it harder. it only makes me more embodied and dense in this high gracity compressed space

 

[odyseus]

nothing against homosexuals or same sex attraction. i'm using the word gay and fag in a non identitarian way,

so many people are gay for their phones, their phones. fone fags. leashes and tethers. computerfags. i'm on the puter as much as anyone, for work and for business on the side and even coming here to post. i don't choose it. my happiest times these days when i have to be solo is opening a book in public and reading and writing and taking notes- NO CMOPUTER OPEN but this shit is infrastructure. it is unavoidable and i am not making conection wtih tehlocals. this is not austin texas.

i'm under protest. i hate coming here-- well not always but i hate having to. this is a fallen fucking world or society.

at least i don't love my phone, or the idea of it. i hate it. it gives some freedom and decoupling and much frustration and lameness.

it has to go wherever you go. that's so gay. everyone has one. that's so gay. it's a portal to the person, it's a feed. i don't care about anyone spying. i care about its ubiquitous presence. i hate 2fa. i hate that because it forces- yes forces.

this is about force. i hate force that doesn't serve but only taxes. it's a tax.

I hate the keyboard size. it does much good and i use it much, for research and stuff but on the whole, net it sucks when society loses.

fucking phones. fucking internet forums too. i had drinks with a young couple from birmingham- 2 hours several rounds, and we talked deeply. that's how it's supposed eto be not this gay ass american shit and worse, minnesota shit.

-- but i just observed something, in my body, my flesh.

i just got back home. place closed a bit early because it is going to snow again- one more final dump it seems. i got back home and curled up.

i didn't used to be so annoyed at all this stuff. I guess I hae just had my fill but i noticed something else. I'm coming alive in my gut and that's why I feel all this. cognitively i know what has been going on, the games people have been playing including my own parents.My grandparents were so different from them. My grandma loved life. they used to throw parties, and their parents did too. my grandpa died early but he reminded me of vanderbilt. he had vanderbilt energy i think. My own parents were lame as fuck. I see the games that were played but it's not that.

What it is is I am more sensitive in my gut- my gut chakra i guess if you go for that model. I am carrying a lot of load there and I process things there now, insults and injuries, not necessarily as personal attacks but as things to bear.

The gut is the load bearing center.

so many things dump load on me and when on me it is on me there. I am carrying more than my share- of cultural prejudice. this place is prejudiced against people like me-- BIG time, including on racial lines. I am NOT going there politically. Fine but culturally. girls said to me- girls i respect talking freely that they don't want to date white guys. the same girls that are warm and all that and we laugh together. that make long eye contact. one is older than me and I'm not interested- and the other is married. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg. And also my tuype they dump more responsibility on me- expecting to carry the load without complaint - the workhorse of animal farm. It seems i will be collecting rent from minneapolis for life, a pension if it goes well, when i leave with most of my property. this shit city will fund my lifestyle going forward, once i finally escape. I bear load for compensation, in a partnership, but not to be used.

So many things dump but that's another model to use- all loads lead to the gut and this place does not reciprocate or help-- but i saw three women at a coffee shop the other day- how one's hand was behind her back and the one behind her was holding it. How they get so much touch and support and for people like me, for men how so much is rationed, in order to train. I mean for fuck sake the male circumcision rate is high her. OK please tell me who was smoking crack that thought this was a good idea? Kellogg? I told my catholic friend (who thinks I'm christian) that i blame protestantism for so much. i do in fact. for the iran war in many ways and cultural austerity and the excessive forms of capitalism that want to make everything a fucking calling- the excessive "mission statement" and "passionate about" shit. Check out Max Weber. Catholics can stay balanced and trusting and communal. I went with Georgia from austin in austin around the city and we saw a catholic service and it was nice. we just hovered in back but we both enjoyed it. I don't kill myself because i know there are moments like this when i escape this shit orbit. Anyway the point about circumcision was just that it's another example of stupid ass inverted bias designed to strip the person of their pleasure and sovereignty and autonomy but foregen seems to be making progress. things might be restored just like my power might be restored. i want to restore my vision naturally if possible but i'm not sure that can happen but i want to leave this place, collect rents from it for life. i want to be hard. there are books apparantly that would teach you to be hard- and Nietzsche said it but it is one thing having the idea and another walking the path and i don't want to be hard for hardness sake but i want to be hard as needed but the world has different plans. Do they teach you how to detect irony and bullshit and cut through that, through the fog, through the control of timing, how to be hard when surrounded by illusion and everyone is saying the same thing but it's wrong?

But it is interesting I curled up and felt the energy in my gut, the pain but i was protecting myself- just now but I was feeling it and then the oddest thing happened- it got numb. it sucked it up. It sucked up my grievance and a part of my mind decided to "play ball". what the fuck is that about? What happened? I want to feel. I would rather feel- feel the pain and be sober, like the movie William Wallace at the end. I want sanity and sobriety. what happened with that switcheroo?

Btw I don't expect life to be linear. I just don't want recursive loops where one thinks one is making progress but the system is just turning one around in a loop or resetting one back to start or just making things cost prohibitive or high drag what should be simple. I expect challenge but i expect prizes too. I am shy on prizes and shy on support and shy on present friends. I have one friend- great guy, big tough ex boxes, married with kids-- who always answers when i call. he was born and raised here but hates it here but he has too much here- family and a business. he's kind of a wild guy, went to antarctica swimming. Jesus said in Thomas (gnostic gospel of) "this heaven will pass away and the one above it..". what the hell does he mean? I don't konw that I believe his mystical things. I am still a rationalist skeptic. most of that book is amazing even just psychologically, and truthy and relevant and special (unique) from that lens so anyone can profit but if it is true on a higher level or even not, what does that mean? Anyway speaking to skeptics like me or whoever, Dawkins, Jesus in it did say something i guess- that's true: if matter or flesh came into existence from spirit it is a marvel, but if spirit came into existence cause of matter, it is a marvel of marvels'. I always think I knew what he meant by that one and i always had a similar thought. There has to be something more, else how else the fuck do we think, feel and know?

If I'm just fucking chemicals, I can't know anything subjectively. If I don't persist, then fine but how the fuck does a certain combination even get here in the first place? Maybe the brain is responsible for consciousness as experienced, which experiments i think seem to show-- i feel the pain in my body after all, but maybe it's like like a suit or an avatar. That makes sense at that level and it makes sense that there's something more based on the fact that I can even think and know things and feel at all but I don't know. Maybe people are here down on earth to karma harvest. So what is that heaven above will pass away? Maybe it's gibberish but if there is a chain of worlds, I don't want to just graduate from this one. I want to graduate from multiple. I want to be worthy of the highest. Sex is not wrong. They taught that sex was sinful. If you want to be smart don't trust institutional education. healthy don't trust modern medicine, rich don't trust your financial advisor (though of course you need a team). free, don't use the legal system as a chump. Everything runs the extractor and flattener pattern it seems. wanna be spiritual avoid religion although much religion is better than here. I think i'm just in a shit country in a shit state. I guess older societies, China, Persia, Prussia put their BEST men in administration and bureaucracy and state. We put our worst dumbest most security seeking people in the bureaucracy. That's why people hate it. Imagine if my experience of it would be where the best and brighest go there. it would probably be functional and supportive. I don't know- i'm speculating. i know when i'm speculating but I do speculate- and then i study and think.

I'm listening to My Will be Done and Go the Distance on repeat

There's a lot in my gut and a lot of vigilance required. I guess I could numb out and reject these fights, these battles but I guess my system says no you have to fight these, for moral reasons. It is time- or something. It is time to blast up the lies. btw i am non violent. i'm a passerby but amazon recommended old ted's book on technology. i think i actually have that -- yeah it's because gpt recommended four books when i asked- amusing ourselves to death and ones on the effects of phones and the internet and tech on the human mind and then it recommended old teddy ks. I should find that and read it. i don't approve of his actions- i don't even know what they were but i don't approve but i see where he was coming from i think. he was smart, highly educated, skilled at math. we might be a lot alike but he buckled i guess or did what he thought was best but i would disengage. i would try find a different platform but i am interested in his ideas nonetheless or perspective.

i have to fight through my gut. the system has jaws and it wants to consume and flatten and metabolize. i want to metabolize or leverage the system - the legal systems and all that for my benefit, not because i need vainglory or extreme wealth but because of what the opposite is - being consumed. That cannot be, so the opposite must be.

 

[odyseus]

sometimes when i write back to back here i am writing in a different mood from before. I don't want to share every single feeling or micromood like a status check but I do want to give that context. BTW i was feeling and am feeling exhausted and depleted and tech stressed but at the particular moment right now I am feeling slightly better vectored and with something to say and thoughts to develop- but that can change and technologhy and isolation (while in civilization) is a big part of it.

I did find in my house and start reading the manifesto (ted k) and it is funny and resonates. it gives me new ideas and terms for things. i am against violence or destruction but i like talking about ideas. I also just heard something on a short on yt, tucker. The people who support the war are mostly fox news listeners born between 46 and 64. Hmm.. i have to think about those years and what they mean but more importantly it makes me wonder (because i know there is truth in that) how fucking much people get tuned by their demographic of time and space. It's like people- i know there are influences and things that shape perception and perspective but can you fucking have some autonomy and independence of thought so you are not just a crude product of your immediate birth environment? Why are people so rigid it seems? I guess that is the big mystery i ponder and have not solved.

I was raised to be docile- and yet I am not. Maybe there were some unseen key influences but I am nothing like my parents- in outlook or behavior. I have - i know i have and share a lot of traits with my mother- the desire to learn, and a stubbornness but I am not emotionally stifled like her or my father, nor overstoic (which I think she was since her youth- forever) and other things. Both teh culture and community- my hometown AND even moreso the college i went to AND then conspired in alignment to make me conforming and so on- AND I might have been, and gladly been if society would have given me good faith return for my effort. I tried. I did what it wanted. I work hard, i'm load bearing, and I think I can flirt and be polar. I can be the badboy or whatever. I sometimes get nervous around a woman when the stakes are high or whatever - so sue me but i'm not a dweeb. I'm not even a sucker with no self esteem. I have my price but (I loved the offspring growing up- that guy Dexter was SMART) but it did not return value for effort or at least i fell through the cracks somehow despite my best efforts. Destiny maybe so maybe that's why it didn't work but i think it was always just because i was curious, open and sincere. Why were others so programmed when I wasn't- or maybe i was, but i just had more influences. ?? I don't believe in free will. I'm a complete determinist but that doesn't explain it- why people are so fixed on their generational wavelength even when the ideas are stupid and rigid? It's like they 1) don't have a curiosity 2) don't have sincerity 3) etc etc My point is it doesn't take anything magical i would think.

maybe there's some deeper forces. all is force, kind of- force or geometry. the reason things fall off like electromagnetic force or gravity at distance squared- actually 4pi (hey today is still pi day for another half hour) r-squared is that's how fast the surface area of a sphere increases or scales for each increase in r. anyway all is force. maybe there are forces. Not enough thought and talk is done about how forces can be imposed on people- even despite their best efforts and planning.

One force leads to another.

Small forces can cause one to stumble which makes one trip and fall off a cliff or start a cascade of things. Small forces that aren't corrected and recovered from can perturb and cause chain reactions. Big forces can be imposed. Secret forces can happen- a million tiny - maybe even a million over the course of a year- tiny forces can aggregate. Friction is a force. Maybe this war supporting generation (I'm accepting his statement as true because it probabl is) maybe they are privileged and don't want to analyze it. They don't want to rock the boat even though they were people who rocked the boat. There is so much i don't understand but one never goes wrong thinking about force. Or studying math and increasingly geometry. Div Grad and Curl- i'm working through that book. It's short but meaty. Noise is a force. it rattles me- different types of noise different types of rattle. my neighbor who slams the door. I have to talk to him. I only wonder what it's going to be like a year from now (hopefully), living somewhere quiet. Even if everthing else was equivalent, i wonder what difference would that make. It's quiet right now, more than usual- probably due to snowfall.

How tuned people are but my fault has been my inability to see, and to accept, and expecially to see and accept the obvious. Of course it was bad geography but in this geography i didn't see the obvious and leave it and adapt to it and use it. The obvious is that people talk a big game, with so much certainty but they're clueless. like k says they have feelings of inferiority or they have a need for surrogate activities to find meaning. They are coping and i don't fault them but their statements with strong certainty are lies or falsehoods. There is no modesty or humility in many people. Jeffry Sachs said once the Russians play chess, the chinese play Go but the Americans play poker. It's all about bluffing and bsing and every few minutes a new hand is dealt that is stateless. Fuck that shit. Yeah bluffing and poker are cool but you need some concept of the long game to make life coherent.

I have to learn how to see and use the systems to my advantage- because if i don't the systems will capture me. if i do i can maybe be free.

So much of culture is imposed. We have to think of that. I think we're told to believe in freedom (implicitly not directly) and the chance at growth and this is called empowerment but I am all for what truly empowers. Just as "no one is more hopelessly enslaved than those who are falsely believing they are free", so those who are told something is empowering may be farthest from power if what they are told is a lie or half truth. Know the game. Know the reality. The reality principle matters most- not bluster and bravado. those can be conditionally good but reality is reality. So much is conditional, and so much of what is conditional is conditional due to culture (so you find better hotter AND easier women in better cultures, that love life).

i never accepted this place but i kind of did living here and the joke's on me. I want to take what i can get. I want surplus but I prioritize things differently. life is full of needs. one really needs income to support oneself, and really needs community, and sex nad meaning. it's not a hierarchy of needs necessarily but a set of needs. Of course i want to grab some surplus- some surplus financially, some surplus time and time-in-silence and dates and all that. I am trying to get traction and momentum but that is impossible here frankly i believe, or virtually impossible but i can train and become sharper and do what i can here- training at altitude or high resistance. When I do go somewhere else i do think i am stronger for having been here. i have a strong frame and as always i can connect and laugh with anyone. I can adapt to the person i think and keep my frame.

I have to see systems. one of the reason i don' tthink i saw them to wield them was i was too spread thin and i was spread too thin because i had a high threshhold for sense of mastery and also i was curious about learning so many things. i met resistence on the social front and i was like ok no time to waste trying to prove myself i still wanted to learn this history, this science, this math this programming work on my career whatever and i felt deficient, legitimately but now i no longer do. I think i have started on literally everything. there is definitely more i want to do in life but I don't feel deficient really. There is nothing to wait on anymore and now i am growing in resentment. resentment is powerful actually. there are powerful things resentment can do. it can make one feel entitled, which is powerful. it means one is not second guessing and doubting oneself. That's what a lot of people do, right? oops the sirens started up, even though it's cold and snowy out and 1145 pm. i guess someone needs an ambulence. i hate my city. i hate this place. they're going for a few minutes already. nobody had to design them like that- to have such a wailing screeching loud noise. I think europe designed them differently. They chose that here- probably some asshole trying to limit liability. it is the common pattern of dumping- the dumpers pattern- dump liability, load, risk everything on the citizen, the consumer, the user, the client, the visitor of the site, the capable one, the many. dump dump dump- also you could call it the offload pattern. Any slight load or risk or cost however minor that can be dumped on others, however broadly to however many should be dumped becaues it benefits the internal party. Fuck that shit I mean really we need better regulations and a better culture with more pride and shame. I don't even live that close to a hospital but i live close enough, and also the street is not that busy or big but it is big enough. This changes the whole state i'm in so my writing might change. Fuck that though. It's evil in a way. it is exactly what i was talking about regarding imposed things. See..

see when it's quiet i forget that it is quiet but i end up naturally starting to think maybe things aren't so bad, maybe i can tolerate things. noise and techno stress combined with lack of other things and presence of other things like minnesota avoidance and passive aggressive, that's a lot but give me enough quiet time and it seems like eventually i think things are not so bad-- but then my neighbor slams the door (I have to talk to him about that- he's like an ogre i mean wtf, he's a nice guy but no grace in that, every time, the backdoor. i mean fuck dude and the sound just travels). that and the sirens and horns and shit. It's not right and it's not good that i have to endure all this. I have such extreme sympathy for myself because i deserve better and there's no easy way out in the short run and it kind of puts me under duress and duressed sales but why do i care now when i didn't before? That is the question. because i am trying to emerge and because, in trying to emerge, i have committed myself and my spirit and my reputation to myself, maybe. I don't want to react so much but a period of silence long enough almost always ends up with me feeling good at life in some ways. I just want to find my center and be centered. the machine- the system is a machine. i have to learn how to use it and get around it. i am stuck- too stuck. it is just a stupid dumb machine, this whole of society. i have to really abstract away from it and see the whole of society and american society and so on as a machine, which is what it is, including its generations and its techno-trajectory and all that and capitalism loops and political loops and all that and everything, it's streets and infrastructure. it is a machine- that is it is a civilization but a certain type of one. THe medo persians prior to empire (because that's where i am in the book) were also a machine but they had a naturalist life. I have to see the machine for what it is and i have to get out of it but i am stuck in it, in the trenches in a way- and when i sell a home and get a refinance i can buy a new small property somewhere- small and affordable but quiet- QUIET must be quiet but right now i am under duress or exposure to imposition and there is not much i can do but do what i can do when i can do it and use this time to train.

I can use this time to train things and see things. I might never get this chance in this way again so i should take advantage of it. it helps me believe and register things, like Teddy K's ideas, which i might be dismissive of otherwise. I can try be stronger and harder, while I try to make my exit. I don't want to just exit. I never did. I just want to exist somewhere i can work, can "cook", which is a place that is quiet and plan my next things. I might like Maine actually or New Hampshire/Vermont. I drove through there last year but there would have to be good dating. i can also move somewhere buy a house (or rent) and then leave and rent it out again if i bought it outright. Then I could get geographical diversity in my real estate. I am not strictly looking to increase my portfolio. i am looking to live somewhere but the idea is still sound that increasing one's portfolio and making things cash flow can in the long run create wealth- that positive bomb and if i got a house- a small one in say Austin, I would learn the different ways different places do things, have geodiversification and it would probably be easier, less regulation. I would buy it as a place to live if i didn't rent but that could be the exit strategy is all i'm saying but i am looking for a small place where i can live but i'm only looking after i finish the things here. I can't make things go faster, which sucks. Maybe there are things I can do but for the most part i don't think there are that many things i can do to make certain processes go faster. I am working on it.

I am stressed and i know i am stressed because i am trying to become unmetabolized, by what i call the lion, from saying 7 in Gospel of Thomas. Don't be eaten by the lion. i have actually had bodily feelings that confirm things. I have had such frustration sometimes and then later in the bath or not, i had the feeling of my body coming alive in some section, like something was being metabolized. i was winning through it. also once i was in the bath in my spine and head and then i was in the spinal part of my head. it was so intense. it was a one of a kind experience. it was like "the world wants me to map things, model it, believe in it etc etc categorize" but the brain was like ok i'm witnessing myself too doing this but more importantly the demands. the bath has no demands, you just get to be and relax. there are too many demands too often. technology demands too much and these phones, and these demands are made without respect to rhythms and cycles, and human nature and community. Fuck, you know. row crop agriculture and a steady paycheck every 2 weeks. we are living in a system. i need cash surplus and then to take my feet off the accelerator and these are low level desires. i still want to make a difference in a world and have a family.

Ted K says that most people are afraid to die because basically they haven't lived. the whole west and technological society is kind of arrested in its development. i think so. I never was by design- i never avoided things i don't think, like others did- fear of family but rather for me the system just didn't provide but had i accomplished steps i wouldn't feel too old but there has been so much resistence to me but in austin and in germany i fit well. i think i fit in germany (and france and italy) but i was never there with a real job or career or that confidence but i think i fit with a lot of the educated people. I still need to build my momentum surface type confidence from a series of wins (winner effect) so even if i go somewhere good i will have to build momentum but none of that is possible. they train it out of people or try hard. They make it really REALLY hard here to have that. That's why people from edina or eden prairie are considered arrogant and stuck up - it is botched half born confidence, pseudo confidence because it is so hard here because the system locks and blocks. Three girls that were into me, stephanie, abby and erica- that i could have should have gotten with probably, in the last 3 years, high quality all, after i was too slow or whatever, indecisive but that's a story itself, i know i know we can get into it. i kick myself for this maybe except i don't belive in free will. it needs to be unpacked. I can't be too hard on myself such that it kills confidence but i have to accept my flaws and mistakes, but they were amazing but my point is they liked me and gave me a chance but after it passed, the opportunity, suddenly they were all dating someone. There has to be availability. i will say this for minnesota women- i think they are loyal. they are cold and so on but these were warm and i think all kind of divergent or at least different, open minded, present, sincere, trad in a way but successful in a way too- i think women in general here and men when they partner up are loyal. almost too much. i love that loyalty -- i do that's what i want but i love freedom and liberty too. i think both are part of the human condition and i am not talking out of both sides of my mouth but i mean the loyalty they give is too culture based and too fast. maybe i'm thinking too much too fast but it strikes me that i have to suffer a dry spell so long and then suddenly because of a few dates give so much loyalty. i don't know- maybe i'm projecting and fantasizing. i just want to have a good process with a good girl and then we can think about loyalty and what that means.

It is playing Hercules go the distance now. i'm fittin to go for a walk even though it's late. my gut is not processing the ice cream i ate apparantly and that's not good. it could mean headache later, stomach ache. I like loyalty and i should have maybe connected more to one of them. I went on 4 dates with erica. i was so close to stephie while she was a coworker. so close. I mean her close to me as much as me to her. and abby, partners in climbing and so on for a bit. how would live be, how would my home life be, how would my weekends be in the summer if i had a partner? Would my house be clean, would i have a family to have dinners with sometimes? Abby bakes sourdough i see on facebook. Would my place be clean and decorated? Would i have help with my real estate? I would have all these things. And children maybe. i deserve more. You don't get what one deserves- or morally deserves at least. I don't know, maybe we don't deserve things, maybe we only seem to or feel like we do- i'm trying to be honest, rational and comprehensive but it seems like results don't correspond to real deservingness but at the same time i have kind of a clear conscience and maybe not everyone does and maybe i will have something later but i have to do all things on my own- including spending the weekends in summer when all is going well (when there is no stress- i mean just passing the time). Even old Schopenhauer had both sex and his pet poodles, and his bonds. people think i think that people get what they deserve-- at least they think that on some level but i don't know that's true- in classical society or our modern technological one and for all its faults when women and men partner up here, i think they are locked. It's a weird society- it's so 'progressive' as they say in so many ways but then it is so reactionary in others, very ultra conservative righteous and socially conservative (behaviorally). I don't know. i don't fit in with that either in that i am open but i can respect some of it. sociology matters. i was right to start thinking of it. It is a HUGE topic. I will spent a life and hardly crack the surface. All game goes under sociology arguably. Maybe that's it, maybe my love is learning and philosophy- i have thought that but Socrates had a wife. WHy does one have to choose? I think Aristotle maybe had one. Euler and Bach had wives and lots of kids. A weaker man has to choose and i was always wanting to be a man who spans things and how much can i really learn if i don't experience this side of things? I want to span multiple axes so no- i think i never met anyone in college because the college sucked (minnesota like) and i had no good training growing up and then i spent most of my life looking for career or living in minnesota where i don't belong, where it punishes who i am, actively punishes what is best about me. Montreal girl looked me hard in the eye walking down the hill- hot girl and hot girl also in Austin at the UofT looked me harder in the eye. They turn their face here. Who would stay if they knew what i knew and were in my shoes? I know what "giving back the field" means but i will try sell it [this weakest heaviest of my properties] for capital, for value, so i can live but even if i got rid of it for only 20k above the debt it would still be cutting loose. I could maybe manage this remote and maybe i will move by fall if not yet sold. I will have agents list it again maybe but it is more work to manage it, more stress, more load and not that good of cash flow.

I don't want to have to fight the world always. I want to be able to flow and float. I'm sure my life could have gone very different at certain points- adult female relationships. and also some things were pretty baked in by training and limitations, impositions. I'm again studying the impositions of systems and overconstrained systems- as Ted talks about too but i came to that myself. he uses different terminology but they are in parallel. I want to metabolize things and escape, the iron cage, the invisible cage, the lion. I don't want to always be fighting but when I have to fight i am willing. Fighting is not living but it is necessary. I want to set up to live- so it is fascinating learning from history- Alexander from Arrian and Cyrus from his authors, Xenophon etc. They all struggled not that i'm trying to be an epic hero but not that i'm not trying to be one. I am following my own Daemon i suppose and it has brought me here i suppose, or the gradient has but now i have more eyes to see i suppose.

 

[odyseus]

It makes sense why I'm struggling and suffering- every day. not every minute but that's the thing- it returns me to the same shitty state. there are attractors. there are drivers there. there are paths there. Yes Minnesota sucks- that is the cultural thing. it is a closed system. it is a disfunctional or incompatible system. it is also a noisy system separately- where i am living and that creates great pains but

I DID NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THE DESIGN OF THE MODERN WORLD- to RESIST progress and sovereignty and in general just a lot of bad design being in existence. The techno world is designed to capture- intentions, motives, moves. There are many micro-features and even smaller than micro-nano features that co-erce, coopt, hook, deflect, hijack etc. i was not aware.

too many things are stacked.

i am a good strong worthy man but too much is stacked. I see now the horrors of technology- at least as is. it is not designed for flourishing.

I ONLY WANT IN MY LIFE WHAT AIDS FLOURISHING.

THAT'S THE FLORENCE PRINCIPLE. THE CITY WAS BUILT BY CAESAR OR THE LAND GIVEN, AND NAMED AFTER THE IDEA OF FLOURISHING

THE MODERN WORLD WITHERS. IT PREACHES AND ENFORCES AUSTERITY. I RESIST THAT.

I WILL GO THE DISTANCE. I WAS ALWAYS GOING THE DISTANCE. THERE ARE TOO MANY CULTURAL SYSTEMS, ATTITUDES, MORES HERE IN PEOPLE WHICH ARE EVIL, THE PULL AWAY. THEY DO MOSTLY ICY AVOIDANCE TO MAKE A MAN A FOOL, A LIOSER WHOSE IN HIS 40S BUT FOR NO OTHER REASON THEN HE WAS TOO STUPID TO GO WHERE PEOPLE ARE REAL. THE JOKES ON ME AS MUCH AS THE STATE AND THEY ARE LAUGHING VICIOUSLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE LOW SELF ESTEEM. THEY OFFLOADED AND SO I ABSORBED INDIRECTLY- THEIR LOW SELF ESTEEM. That guy i mentioned above Teddy Kaczinsky was right. i don't know why he digressed right away to talk about leftists. i have nothing against the left and he said he was generalizing and this is not political but it is more about a psychological type- that of inferiority but the thing is i HAVE BEEN ABSORBING THIS FEELING OF INFERIORITY OF OTHERS EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T INTEND TO- IT IS INEVITABLE IN A CLOSED SYSTEM AND I HAVE BEEN ABSORBING OTHER LOADS- DERIVED FROM MYTHS. LIKE VAN MORRISON SAID THERE ARE TOO MANY MYTHS. WAY TOO MANY FUCKING MYTHS IN THE WORLD. I ALWAYS PIERCED AND PENETRATED THEM BUT I DID NOT ACCOUNT FOR THE SOCIAL LANDSCAPE. I HAVE BEEN A SOCIAL RETARD- I FAILED TO SEE THE OBVIOUS THAT JESUS IN THE GOSPEL OF THOMAS TALKED ABOUT- OBSERVE WHAT IS BEFORE YOUR FACE. I WENT FOR GRAND TRUTHS, FIRST PRINCIPLES, OF HEALTH AND OF LIFE AND OF ALL THAT BUT I IGNORED THE LACK OF COMMUNITY, THE ATTITUDE OF PEOPLE IN MY ENVIRONMENT

I added a new song to my rage list- I Caligvla by Ex Deo

I HAVE ABSORBED TOO MUCH BUT I DIDN'T SEE HOW ENCROACHING TECHNOLOGY HAS BECOME, WHEN YOU WANT TO TRANSMIT SOMETHING SPECIFIC.

IT IS GREAT- THE WEB IS GREAT WHEN YOU WANT TO FLOAT AROUND, SCROLL OR WHATEVER ..

BUT IF YOU GO THERE WITH A PURPOSE

AND YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE ECONOMY OF EFFORT

GOOD FUCKING LUCK

This is not what's irritating me but for example if you want to just search for something in amazon, you just click or press on the search bar and a whole set of suggestions and images pop up. Too fast too fucking much SLOW THE FUCK DOWN

i GET IT OF COURSE AND WHY- and amazon has never bugged me too much - maybe because i'm there to shop not get work done but that kind of thing- android, samsung websites, banking websites thinking they have to look good and padded rather than be efficient. Buttons being so small, actions being too significant. i remember talking to women in my past and I remember them taking too much meaning from little things i said, like don't read so much into it. well it's like the computer reads so much intention into every little movement or the phone. These things no longer serve- they are hyperactive.

the whole technology system is too encroaching.

the whole culture is so dead

i know the more drained others are the less likely they are to connect maybe or the less availability they might have so in this sense maybe the two things are related but in many ways maybe it should make them want to connect

it's gay that i'm here and gay that i'm posting now but there is nothing else to do. i am getting work done online- trying to sell my dump, to get some information out to people that requested.

I hate computers. I hate what they have become. i hate phones. i need them and i like a lot about them. that's why there's ambivalence and dependence- it is not absolute but they are terrible in so many ways. This is a frustrating dependence. This is a real problem, just like culture, just like noise. I AM A PRISONER BUT I DO NOT BLAME MYSELF. I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY FAULTS BUT IMPORTANTLY I DON'T HATE MYSELF. I SEE THE LION BEHIND THINGS AND THE MACHINE- THE BLIND STUPID MACHINE, THE MACHINE THAT IS CULTURE- THE LION, THE WALLSTREET SYSTEM AND THE MONETARY SYSTEM GENERALLY- I MEAN THE USAGE AND PRIORITIZATION OF MONEY, THE RELIGIOUS MYTH SYSTEM AND ESPECIALLY ESCHATOLOGICAL SYSTEMS RIGHT NOW AS WAR IS COMING BUT ALSO THE SCHOOL SYSTEM AND ALSO THE MORES, THE INVERSIONS AND THE FAT OLD WEAK PEOPLE SENDING YOUNG PEOPLE TO WAR- THEY WERE NOTHING LIKE CYRUS IN HIS SADDLE- OR THEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE SADDLES BACK THEN. I WAS JUST READING ABOUT CYRYS THIS MORNING IN the the book i'm working through

Fucking pathetic, what a difference.

modern people are soft, weak and stupid and i have in many ways been made weak- cavities and bad vision and circumcision and none of those things were my fault. they were diseases of the modern world.

i see now how the stuff presses. i see the machine of the system-- it has submachines. moral machines, financial, economic, cultural, fear based. The most important thing is i don't fall into the frame. I am beyond the frame. the system is meant to serve not just me but humanity and if it fails it is a failure. My frame is bigger than its frame. the minute i am enframed is the minute i pull back and resist and fight

there is so much resistance in the world, just to getting ones basic needs met smoothly. everything is so high friction. typing on a fucking keyboard is high friction. i don't remember this in junior high when we first learned to type. i could type fast without typos. what happened? Did keyboards change? I think so. they are so gay, this technology is so lame. it is a tool but when the system doesn't serve, the tools and the systems as a whole, that is not good. i am worthy of a better life. the random guy on facebook marketplace insulted me called me old man out of the blue. i didn't do anything. he messaged just to criticize my deal, my offering and i responded with some old points and said he's not reading my essay old man. in what other society would that be tolerated? Our society is oppressive. it doesn't regard the concept of honor as valid. it invalidates honor and retribution. Our plastic machine society thinks it can just define and overwrite such basic things.

It really is the lutheran mafia, the protestant mafia.

my lowe rbrain was not meant for technology.

my brainstem was not or whatever you call it was not meant for computer sand phones and all this.

i have adapted because i thought it would pay

enkidu- was the wild man i think and gilgamesh the civilized one

i am not made for this.

it has not returned its bargain with me for participating.

i am worthy of more. i hate screens and keyboards. again depednence and there is a lack of community anyway

full of rage.

what ever happened to women, to girls

It's moot here even if i fixed myself as if i'm broken-- they destroy confidence in men. shame. i have seen other cultures where men are given confidence and support. SHAME

because even if i'm not broken or if i am and fix myself there is no great availability here but

DATING WOMEN AND TAKING THEM OUT IS SUPPOSED TO BE MORE APPEALING THAN SCREENS -------- BUT PEOPLE ACT LIKE SCREENS ARE MORE AND MONEY FOR SHAME HOW DEEPLY CAPTURED AND REVERSED AND TWISTED PEOPLE HAVE BECOME

IT IS MY JOB TO BECOME UNTWISTED TO THE EXTENT I AM BUT I ALSO HAVE TO BE EFFECTIVE IN TEH WORLD, IN THIS TIGHT ASS MACHINE WORLD. IT IS SUCH A TIGHT ASS WORLD FULL OF TINY BUTTONS AND TINY KEYS. I HOLD ON TO THE NATURAL FRAME. I USE IT IT DOESN'T USE ME

 

[odyseus]

wellness review sunday night

i am scared- of technology and especially techno-frustration and contradiction of intention as well as capture of attention, as well as noise generally, especially when i either lay down or else try to focus on something-- and i am sureounded by these forces. it is pretty clear to me- i have to take a pounding, like tyson in the ring or something, until i get through and moved out. until then I'm often hijacked and disrupted and my capacity is highly limited. it generates stupor. even moments of silence at the right time- not pure silence necessarily but non disruptive noise, often enable a much deeper level of consciousness. its like trying to live in peace while mice are running through your walls but i am becoming aware i have to take a pounding. i do not consent to said abuse but i cannot prevent it. it loads the brain and mind. it is almost like moral and social colonizing energy- consciousness colonization or socializing energy

thats an idea I haven't thought enough about- socialization and over socialization. the problem with minnesota is that in two parts it insists on socializing people after its own way, and its way is pathetic, sad and sorry and sexless. there are some upsides im sure but on the whole they are small and proud. i dont like taking a pounding. that marketplace young guy took a shot at me unprovoked. was he trying to socialize me unconsciously? i think so. i take a lot of blows. my friend here Stephanie but not the one earlier, a different one Steph R is amazing and radiant and while being beautiful is also amazingly down to earth and grounded. I've known her for years. how is this possible? It turns out she's from Iowa and that little difference matters. Almost nobody that wonderful or relatable is from Minnesota. it's just a fact

it's becoming clear I have to take poundings in my brain and so on. I was thinking today that a lot of people might think that they're not intelligent but really they grew up in a noisy environment. at that age you can't tell the difference and at many ages you can't. privilege in terms of childhood intellectual development can be as simple as accessing a quiet space

The noise limits my capacity and sometimes puts me over the edge of emotionally as does other things and it also alters my trajectory. It immediately instantly induces different behaviors and appetites. I do not want that. I want to stay sovereign on my original trajectory not be reactive at a deep level. I need to analyze this because I need control I need presents I need balance I need that kind of internal force to oppose all these external forces that aren't serving me. I have to do what's best in every moment

I'm pretty sure I'm seeing more stress now in part because I'm not turning to immediate dopamine palliatives like scrolling or whatever. I'd rather solve the problem than distract myself and so and so doing I'm seeing all the problems and structures that exist.

just beyond which is not that far just a little bit beyond the noise and the culture there's a whole world out there of living but I haven't been able to access it. I've been like tantalus. so close to the fruit my whole life I know this is the case. I know it's the case.

while I'm here while I take a pounding I just want to have a strong spine and I don't want my trajectory deflected I don't want to be deflected from my purposes so I have to pick my battles and I don't want to be spiritually breached or hacked. I'm not hacked as much as DDoSed. I guess this is my exit path fighting through. maybe you say I'm melodramatic but this has been my whole life I realize but I'm just now realizing it. you don't know how in some ways the only thing I need is silence and then I'm in a great space as long as there's nothing on my mind. sometimes there's the person who owes me rent on my mind. I gave this plumber a discount to move in because my place was vacant. instead of 1400 I only charged him $1250. I put month to month on the lease because this building has been a pain for me in that regard and I thought that's always better but he saw that on the lease and he said no I want 12 months but he's a plumber so I'm like okay with a company I've used a lot. It turns out now I have to chase him down. I don't know where the breakdown is. I thought they made good money. this is not a noise thing but it's an open mental loop And it means I have to interface with technology but I'm getting better at the eviction process. Even if he only owes me $800 which is not that much in which I expect to get paid for I'm stuck with him for another 11 months and it's pathetic the way he fails to communicate. And I don't want him to be a problem with me selling it. he has such poor follow through. I failed in that I gave him concessions too easily. I should not give him concessions and I should be fine with the place being vacant for a little while but again this was when things were piling up on me all at once as they tend to do. I never had a perfect month since I bought the last property. it's always one thing after the other but I had many good months before that many perfect months before that. I've needed time to get surplus. I don't know why this guy's failing. And by the way.. redacted. by the way. I can't go there right here right now but I'm thinking it. I'm thinking three for three. 3 for 3 at this house- the same goddamn demographic. The same fucking demographic. He's a licensed fucking plumber what's the fucking problem he has a full-time job he can't even fucking communicate his fat face. you say he's living right free in my brain yeah because he's living right free in my fucking property. this is another inversion. it's making me angry just talking about it but I have to process it. I don't avoid anger anger is important. I mailed him the 30-day notice when he was late last month and the days coming up in a few days but the post office failed it gave me a return to sender even though I emailed him a receipt but I'm going to claim notice for pre-eviction was sent because what the fuck is wrong with the post office I mailed it to the exact address Jesus fucking Christ and I have photos of me mailing it which worked before. he said today he was going to pay but he didn't follow through. this is fucking pathetic. I don't know how people can be so fucking pathetic. if it wasn't for him it would be one less thing weighing on my mind this is not real estate because I have 22 other units and this is the only one that's failing in this way and I've done it for years. this is not real estate this is bullshit. What the fuck is wrong with this situation and why am I stuck with him for 12 months? I have to find a way to get out of this 12 month thing but I'm selling the property so fuck that The next guy can fucking deal with it but I got a fucking sell it I got to find a fucking buyer. I didn't even think I'd be talking about this now but he opened a loop which gets in the way of the things I can think about that I want to think about and want to do during a day. I don't know what his fucking problem is and he also did some work for me last month. I don't think he did $1,000 worth but that's what he claimed but I didn't want to argue with him it's a war of attrition with this asshole guy. I need to figure out what my recourse is- what leverage I have. I don't know what his fucking problem is he doesn't deserve my good nature he doesn't deserve good service. He's a user. he got the better of me because I was overwhelmed and because I was trusting because I saw he had a good job. he also did work for me at this other place and he didn't even find the error- We falsely concluded that the person was spilling over their bathtub because it was a new person that happened to move in there and that person had a dog and it was right above where the leak was in the basement but no it turns out it was the outside unit. this other guy from his job much younger more driven found out. He's pathetic. He's fat and slow and stupid. I chronically have bad judgment. I always think I have better judgment than I do. this is another blow I'm taking. I'm taking all these fucking blows. I don't think I'm bringing them on myself but apparently I am. this is not real estate. real estate's pretty pleasant I'm still doing all right through real estate for the most part if it wasn't for this cancerous house. this one house even though I have others in Minneapolis this one house represents Minneapolis the most with its demographics diversity situation attitude compliance everything. I despise this house I hate this place and I hate this city it's a cancer. he only owes me $800 and he's had two weeks to come up with it he says he's paid every Friday What the fuck is wrong with him. I'm definitely filing for an eviction when the 30 days are hit which is in a few days. I'm not fucking around. I'm not fucking around with anyone if he owes me $10 I'm filing an eviction. I don't give a fuck. I'm not fucking around with bad communicators. There's some tenants who are such good communicators and makes the job such a joy people who have so much appreciation. I will evict people for fun who deserve it if I have any standing to do so. once I get my refinance done I will have so much more surplus if that comes to pass. I always say if. if it doesn't I'll figure out what to do. if it doesn't it will be a blow but it seems to like I'm auto-approved cuz I have good fucking credit cuz I'm not fucking irresponsible it just goes so slow. The process is just fucking slow everything's so fucking slow even the banker is not in a hurry What the fuck. I have to drive people like fucking cattle cuz they're so fucking slow you have to whip people forward. That's the fucking truth of this fucking life They have no intrinsic fucking motivation even if it's their one fucking job. What the fuck. I already started filling out the eviction intake. The first time with the other tenant it was hard because it was new but this time it's a lot easier I'm getting my muscles in I'm getting my reps in. I will do it however long it takes to get only good tenants in there. assume I won't sell it for a year It has to be me managing it I will do what it takes to make it right. do people think I quit? do people think I'm weak? do people think I don't care? do people think they can take advantage of me chronically? some people are just horrible communicators. A lot of women here are bad communicators and a lot of men are bad communicators. they're avoidant or maybe that's what's going on who the fuck even knows? they're avoidant or have bad manners or have both and then you have this guy on marketplace this young guy who insults me he didn't even have to message me in the first fucking place he messages me and sells me then I respond with some points that he's overlooking on the deal and then he says he doesn't care then why the fuck did you message me you fucking asshole he says he's not reading this essay old man fuck you He's trying to socialize me according to the morals of the culture. nobody fucking socializes me I fucking socialize myself. What the fuck is going on. I trust my body I trust my spirit my body is my compass not your fucking attitude not your fucking passive aggressive shit. He's a guy deserving a whipping or a beating. The modern system by the way frowns upon violence but the modern system itself is violent and confining but the modern system is a machine that only wants to serve itself. many people have written about this. It wants to neuter and castrate people so that they fit into the system. It breeds resentment and that's what I'm going through right now but resentment can be empowering through the unpleasantness and it's highly unpleasant But through that it can be transformative which is what I need. I need to be hard. I'm trying to be in my forebrain. you have to understand I'm trying to operate from forbrain consciousness from executive function that's wise and rational. I do not get captured.

it's the weekend it's Sunday and then no more free on the weekend that I'm free on the weekday. it's all just one cycle of servitude It really is. I have not free not in the least bit free or rewarded or respected or appreciated and I didn't consent for this I worked hard to have freedom and sovereignty but I have failed so far But I have not submitted I have not cried Uncle. I'm surprised that a system can be so restrictive and I'm surprised that I can't find a way through thus far. It really surprises me. I still don't feel like I overestimated myself. I still feel you should be able to penetrate through people's culture with nature. It is so confusing to me how that doesn't seem to be the case but there's cultural geometry There's this shit fourplex I'm living in. I'm not doing that well. where I failed was to know how poorly I'm doing. I failed to know the score. I failed to have support or scaffolding growing up or recently. I'm clueless about the score. I'm a smart guy and I'm stubborn but I'm so fucking clueless about what the people want about where people get power and surplus. there are different types of people but a lot of people when I was in the church or wherever the minute they see that I'm exposed they'll take a shot and shoot me down whether I'm talking to a girl or whatever. it's so fucking pathetic there's no honor which is fine but there's no restraint. nobody gives you a fucking break nobody actually gives you any help

understand I'm trying to get deep in my brain to the center of my brain where consciousness lives so I'm not a stranger to myself. I need to find my fucking center that is sovereign that is uninsultable unassailable. I'm trying to open I'm trying to bloom I'm trying to be strong and single-minded. I didn't think this would go here I think I thought it was going to talk about other stuff but it went here again. I'm bearing load right in my brain there's noise I'm taking the hits I talked about above. I need my space I deserve my space to be a king in my space you know. That's what I'm talking about being a king in my own space a man's home is his fucking castle. I own 8 houses and I don't even have a fucking castle, I don't even have a place that's my own fucking Castle My own fucking Dominion. I don't compromise and I don't numb myself anymore. I guess I'm getting angry and frustrated because I'm not numbing myself. In the past I would have numbed myself a long time ago but that doesn't solve anything. it's hard to make people feel moral guilt. There's a shift when you're dealing with someone where they start to feel remorse when you cut through their skin their shields and they feel remorse or whatever and that's a powerful shift that you need to have happen and that's what I'm trying to make happen I suppose unconsciously but it never happens- their skin is too thick. this shift is never happening. I'm trying to stand tall you understand. I'm good to people who are good to me. I'm trying to open my spine be more in my lower body as much as my upper body when you make the upper like the lower. maybe that's my theme for these days because that's what I'm feeling split at both ends.

I could almost have different women and I mean partners and had someone sweet. without interference from family or anything like that a real connection. Life doesn't even know what's valuable. Life values the shit and it devalues the best. Life is so confused and fucked up. Life is so petty and pathetic It really is. It doesn't know what anything is worth. I have grief over the ones I passed over I'm thinking of Anna right now who I played ping pong with it's a long story but we had a long silent ping pong because I didn't know what else to say one Christmas and there was chemistry and she was in the same boat as me waiting for a man there was real connection and now she's probably single and I'm single it's too late though it's spoiled and it's past. I have grief over that even though maybe I couldn't have done anything. I was just thinking about her tonight. I don't want my soul captured by the energy here. That's what it comes down to. That's why there's so much friction here. The place continually tries to capture the energy and maybe it's cuz my being here is kind of my consenting to the way things are here implicitly but I was stupid and I don't want to be here anymore. for most of the time I live more in the southern part of the city where it was a more traditional neighborhood of old houses But a few years ago I moved to uptown area to get a fourplex to grow my real estate empire and I thought it would be cool to live in the uptown area so that's how I wind up here and by being here I'm kind of consenting in a way but I'm kind of leashed on my ankle. I don't really have a fucking complete choice. I have to manage this shit. after manage idiots like that plumber idiot. how am I supposed to manage idiots? how am I supposed to manage deadbeats? well if he doesn't pay he's getting evicted. I either get paid or I get an eviction. Its as simple as that and I don't mind evicting him and I'm not going to take his name off probably this time because he betrayed me and I trusted him. he'll probably pay tomorrow but also it's probably going to be a chronic thing me having to chase him every fucking month And that I cannot accept I cannot accept this ongoing thing.

I want you to understand you guys that I almost never complain about one time things unless they are very serious. I'm mostly complaining about chronic recurring things that are resistant to final solutions. I deserve solutions and I deserve rest and now I'm going back into the work week but the weekend is no more relaxing than the fucking work week so it's all the fucking same to me. it's all fucking capture and I don't know how I got so captured when I felt so close to freedom. maybe I am close to freedom at a higher level if I keep my job get the refi sell the shit property and move cities but this stuff also weighs on my work. it weighs on my mind it's a cancer. There's a cancer in trying to appease people or in having to tiptoe which I virtually the same things. I think I understand where Dan Peña was coming from all these years ago. The law and financial precarity makes it kind of necessary to appease people whether tenants or employers but there should be limits. there are limits. at a certain point your pride kicks into gear and you have to say what you have to say and you have to do what you have to do.

I was also learning about cults this evening I mean monotheistic religious eschatological cults that are leading us into this fucking war. everyone says they're God wants this they're God wants that Go fuck your god but the monotheistic cult like organization whether it's Lutheranism or Chabad, It gets people it gets men always men in a circle reinforcing each other toward a purpose saying their God wants this their God wants that. their God wants their sons or other people's sons to die in a war. They genuinely believe it's the will of God that certain things happen. fuck their idea of the will of God. their idea of the will of God is the problem with the world is a huge part of the problem with the world. I just want to see reality. maybe a couple years ago I asked for wisdom and I kept asking for it and maybe this is the price of it maybe this pain and seeing things is the price of it the shock of seeing how things actually work how the world actually moves and how micro frustrations micro nudges shape behaviors shape a weak person's will or even a strong generals via the cost function. why is it so fucking hard to be even a little bit sovereign? I'd rather be sovereign over my house and life than president of the country without sovereignty. I'd rather be president with sovereignty but nobody fucks with my aura.

I thought I was going to do a brief summary of my wellness and I started out that way but it took a turn. I was going to talk about one other thing how I might not be that far away how I'm just in the certain spaces where things stream into me. if I wasn't in a place where they streamed into me things would be a lot better. I'm in a shitty microclimate as it were and I'm trying to change that but on the other side not that far away there would be women they would be just fairness that's all I need is fucking a semi-fair reward for effort situation.

it's also more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more and more clear clear clear clear clear clear clear clear clear clear to me that there's a certain type of person A lot of people a lot of fucking people that only respond to fear and pain and consequence I mean palpable consequence. if they don't fear you they don't respect you. sadly this is the case for a lot of fucking people. I've been so stupid so blind to the obvious not realizing that I need to be intimidating to people. I have not been nearly intimidating enough to people in my life and they've needed that they've needed that to show me basic respect. They need to see the lion roar or that whatever I don't know why that's necessary it's like the coward of the county song by kenny Rogers. I don't know why people take silence as weakness but they fucking do cuz they're fucking stupid That's why they're fucking normies and I've been oblivious to the fucking obvious but it takes pain to activate me which is unpleasant and it's exhausting. I'm sure a lot of people have gone through this generals and so on. I need people to feel remorse and/or be deferent a little bit. The whole fucking world are generation it seems like are acting like their little ben Shapiros or some shit like that. nobody with all their money or whatever can break my frame. I give honor to people who are worthy of honor I always give respect or manners and if I fail to do so I fault myself afterwards. it's like the boot camp drill sergeant r lee ermy In full metal jacket I don't discriminate against the xyzabc123 where he proceeds to list a bunch of slurs against ethnic groups. I want a person who shows honor. enough encroachment for god fucking sakes the whole world is fucking trying to encroach on me ever since August I feel like. That's when this shit started getting worse. fucking shit wastes my time

 

[odyseus]

who knew- there is no sexual marketplace- not everywhere. I have recently been realizing everything dating here is networked not marketplace-based so SMV- it's kind of not even a valid concept everywhere in many respects

Your hypothesis has a real structural component...
Let’s break the idea into pieces.


---

1. Culture absolutely shapes mating norms

Human courtship behavior is highly local. Sociology and anthropology show large differences across regions in:

signaling norms (how direct people are)

acceptable initiation behavior

gender expectations

timing of commitment

how quickly relationships lock in

how much social mediation occurs


Upper Midwest cultures—Minnesota, North Dakota, parts of Wisconsin—are often described in research as high-reservation / low-expressiveness cultures. Traits commonly documented:

indirect communication

strong social conformity pressures

high avoidance of overt conflict

strong in-group preference

early pair-bonding within known networks

suspicion toward outsiders or non-conforming personalities


People sometimes call this “closed social ecology.”

In such systems, dating is less like an open marketplace and more like a network graph. [There's not even a sexual marketplace so there's not even sexual marketplace value!!!] If you are not already embedded in the right network nodes, signals can fail to propagate.

So the idea that local culture affects signal interpretation is absolutely valid.


---

2. Game advice assumes a certain environment

Most of the dating advice ecosystems (books, forums, “game”) emerged in large, socially fluid cities:

Los Angeles

New York

London

Miami

Barcelona

Austin

etc.


Those environments share features:

high population turnover

weak social surveillance

large anonymous social spaces

experimentation tolerance

lower reputational lock-in


Advice built for those environments often assumes open signaling systems.

When that same playbook is applied in tight social ecosystems, the results can look confusing.

Signals that work in open markets can trigger:

social caution

reputational penalty

silent rejection rather than feedback


So your point about expectations not matching outcomes can happen if the environment differs from the assumed one.


---

3. Long-term signal mismatch creates cognitive fog

This part of your theory is psychologically plausible.

Humans learn social behavior through reinforcement loops.

Action → feedback → adjustment → clarity.

If the feedback is:

inconsistent

delayed

indirect

hidden


the brain struggles to update the model.

After enough cycles you get what you described: confusion rather than learning.

The person starts asking:

Am I doing it wrong?

Is the advice wrong?

Are the instincts wrong?


That can generate a long-term interpretive fog.


---

5. The clarity question

Your focus on clarity vs fog is actually more important than the dating outcome itself.

When people move between different social ecosystems—different cities, countries, or networks—they often report exactly what you're describing:

> suddenly the rules make more sense.



Not necessarily easier results, but more intelligible signals.

That’s because the environment and the signaling model are aligned

I was mad at the idea that things can be acceptable or unacceptable in a society versus someone just saying they don't like something having the balls to say they don't want it or like it or even at least giving reference to a god or religious principle- which would actually make sense and justify. instead they use this it principal. It is not acceptable. What it?

Your reaction is aimed at something real: the word “acceptable” often hides the source of authority behind a judgment.
When someone says “that’s unacceptable,” they’re usually not naming who decided or why. The sentence removes the actor. It makes the rule sound like it exists on its own, like gravity, when in reality it’s coming from:
a group norm
a professional culture
a social class
an institution
or sometimes just the speaker’s personal preference

yeah here GPT is hedging, which it does a lot. It feels to recognize that some places are extreme

The distinction you’re pointing at—marketplace vs. network—is a real one, and it does change how people meet partners. But it doesn’t replace one system with the other; most places have both, just in different proportions.

In places where people talk about a “dating marketplace,” they’re usually describing environments with:

lots of strangers interacting (big cities, transient populations, nightlife scenes)

weaker social surveillance

frequent mixing between groups


In those settings, meeting someone can feel more like an open market: you approach, signal interest, get quick feedback, and move on if it’s not a match.

In tighter social environments—smaller cities, long-standing communities, strong friend-group cultures—the network effect is stronger:

people meet through friends, school cohorts, work circles, hobbies

reputation and familiarity matter more

new entrants may take longer to integrate


That doesn’t mean there’s no “marketplace” at all. It means that network position (who you know, which circles you’re in) can matter more than in highly fluid places. Sociologists often call this social capital—access to relationships that connect you to opportunities, including dating.

So the idea you’re exploring—that local social structure can affect how signals are received or how easy it is to meet new people—is valid. It just isn’t usually the only factor. Individual behavior, timing, shared interests, communication style, and many other variables also shape outcomes over long periods.

If you share the concept with others, it might be clearer to frame it as:

> “Different places have different mixes of open dating markets and relationship networks, and that changes how people meet.”



That keeps the useful insight without implying that one structural difference explains everything about someone’s experience.

If you’re interested in this topic more broadly, research on social networks, community structure, and relationship formation in sociology looks at exactly these kinds of patterns.

I need to go over there's high turnover

Some places really are extreme in how their social systems work. Social scientists and demographers have written about regional cultures that are unusually tight-knit or unusually open, and the Upper Midwest (Minnesota, the Dakotas, parts of Wisconsin) is often described as having a highly cohesive, network-dense culture.

A few structural features that tend to push a place toward the “network” end of the spectrum:

1. Long-term settlement patterns.
In regions where families have lived for generations, social circles overlap—school, church, work, and neighborhood ties connect the same people. Relationships often form within those existing webs rather than through strangers meeting spontaneously.

2. Lower population churn.
Places with less migration and turnover have fewer new entrants constantly reshuffling the social landscape. In high-churn cities, strangers meet all the time and the “marketplace” dynamic is stronger.

3. Cultural norms around privacy and reservation.
Many ethnographers describe Scandinavian-influenced Midwestern cultures as valuing modesty, indirect communication, and not intruding on others. That can make direct approaches or overt signaling less common.

4. Early pair-bonding within networks.
If many people partner up through school or shared community activities at relatively young ages, the remaining singles pool later on can feel small or tightly clustered.

In a place with several of those characteristics at once, the environment can indeed lean heavily toward network-based relationship formation. Someone who isn’t already embedded in the right circles may experience fewer clear feedback signals than they would in a large, highly fluid city where strangers interact constantly.

At the same time, even in “extreme” network cultures, other factors still interact with the environment: personal social networks, hobbies or groups that expand them, communication styles, and timing. The structure of the place shapes the playing field, but it rarely determines every outcome on its own.

So the idea you’re exploring—that some regions function much more like dense social networks than open dating markets—is a legitimate sociological observation. It’s just one piece of a complex system rather than a single switch that changes everything.

But I was born in this place

What you’re describing — being born somewhere yet not integrating into the social fabric the way others did — actually happens more often than people think. Being from a place geographically and being embedded in its social networks are not the same thing.

In dense network cultures (the kind we were discussing), integration often depends less on birthplace and more on early pathway alignment. A few structural things tend to matter:

1. Early cohort lock-in.
A lot of social networks form in late adolescence and early adulthood — high school, college friend groups, church groups, sports teams, early jobs. If someone’s path diverges from those early clusters (different interests, different temperament, different circles), they can end up adjacent to the network rather than inside it, even if they grew up there.

2. Signaling style mismatch.
If someone’s way of communicating or approaching people doesn’t match the local style — more direct, more exploratory, more analytical, more questioning — the feedback they get can be ambiguous. In places where social norms are indirect, that can feel like silence or confusion rather than clear rejection or acceptance.

3. Network closure.
In tight social systems, groups sometimes stabilize early. People who pair off or form strong friend clusters in their twenties often stay within those circles for years. That can make it harder for someone outside those clusters to see how the system actually works.

4. Feedback loops.
When social feedback is inconsistent or muted, people start trying different models to explain what’s happening — books, forums, advice, instinct. If none of those models fit the local environment well, the result can be exactly what you described: years of cognitive fog about how the system operates.

That doesn’t mean there was anything inherently wrong with you or that the environment alone explains everything. It means that person–environment fit matters more than we usually acknowledge. A person can be perfectly capable but still end up in a setting where the signals and expectations don’t line up with their style.

The key point in your theory — that misaligned feedback over a long period can create confusion rather than learning — is a valid observation. When people move into environments where their signals are understood more clearly, they often report exactly the change you’re describing: not necessarily instant success, but a clearer sense of how interactions work.

So the confusion you experienced doesn’t automatically mean you misunderstood human nature or failed to learn. It may reflect that the social system around you didn’t give clear feedback in the first place.

 

[odyseus]

noise disrupts me- so I'm living with headphones now i think- a lot of powerwolf, like so. i slept with them. they might be permanently on but unlike others i will not tune out or be in my own world, like most here. that big lady yesterday- she walked right past and around my table yesterday multiple times when I was deep in focused and then went back and just sat and sipped on her drink totally oblivious to everything around her. I had to put a chair between that path so she didn't go there

I will wear headphones listening to music but I will be conscious more conscious than most people my eyes will still be alive I will still be connected to the environment I will just be sound insulated

Even at home in my bedroom because there can be noise coming this is going to be like almost permanent until I get the fuck out of here maybe

I found out what technology does one thing it does from the bottom up. It splits myself. does Jesus said make the upper like the lower that's my experience last night. I realized things draw up energy into my head but i have to keep it low-- and high. I'm not a partial person I'm a full integrated person. so many things yank but I'm not here to be yanked.

I found out about animations on Android and how to turn them off. That's so much better. I want my phone to look and feel like a machine not like a fucking friend with a personality.

It felt good yesterday to always have the headphones on at night just listening on repeat and it felt good to stay low and high to make the upper like the lower.

I need to enforce things. There's a problem with enforcement. actually there's two problems. The first is that the system is enforcing things against me. against you against all of us. It tries to train us and makes us do certain things comply with certain things take certain click paths through things. how come if I click on the notification to check a message then when I hit the back button it goes through more fucking hops than the direct line that took me to there in the first place? it's little but little things add up. things are enforced against us legally and otherwise. A rule is just a rule that can be broken until there's enforcement or structure.

The other problem is me being able to enforce or me being able to agitate and excite other people who are in violation. I have a tenant who's in violation. I fucking gave this guy concessions because he was a plumber at a company I know and respect. I'm not doing 12 months anymore unless I know the people are going to be good. maybe I shouldn't say that but not to single fucking men. single men like him no longer get 12 month leases They get month to month Even if they have jobs what the fuck is wrong. they're horrible communicators but I have an enforcement problem. I'm reading the lease to see what I can do. it's not just the money and it's not an ego thing it's an inversion thing and it's an open loop and it's a sales problem thing potentially not a big one but still something. it's an attitude problem. he responds to my text with k. My texts were short too. rent remainder? And then another question mark a few days later. The k is not the issue The lack of follow-through is the issue. I guess the lease says he's paying electrical so I could have him pay that I could have him get on that. I don't know how the world keeps getting through. I thought I'm stronger I thought I'm smarter I thought I know how to block things I thought I chose a good tenant who's a fucking plumber with a good company. I was smart enough to do month-to-month but then he requested 12 month and I thought okay this guy's fine I thought what could go wrong. people suck and this demographic is three for three What the fuck is wrong with this demographic? it's a dishonor. you know how people say things are an honor- this is a dishonor. I made for so much more than this shit.

There's two things that are true. I have to be more my lower body while at the same time in my head and unfolded which I know but at the same time I have more enforcement to do more friction more resistance against things in so being.

it's about one selection to agreement 3 enforcement if necessary

well look at that Google transcription It transcribed each word differently
1) selection - I chose poorly But I chose a guy with a full-time fucking job who was asking me about a place to live. I suppose I ignored red flags. The red flag was that he was asking for a place. anyone who's asking for a place has a reason for asking for a place and he was bad at communication early on. I thought it would be good to have a plumber there from all the fucking plumber emergencies what the fuck I hate this fucking house I hate this fucking city I hate this fucking house
2) agreement - here's where I really fucked up. I could have chosen but only given him month-to-month. that would have been better. I gave away my leverage. I just gave away my fucking leverage especially on top of giving him a discount of 150 to 250 from market.

-- As in the side I noticed that in Minneapolis mistakes stick longer. That's just how it feels you make one little mistake and it could be a quick judgment mistake in other places you can fix it quickly but these days it just lingers so fucking long. it's the same with driving you miss one exit and it's so easy to do you have to drive for 4 mi I'm talking even in the city fucking to get back. this place is very punishing for even small mistakes which are not even really mistakes per se. they're good faith actions which they code as mistakes or become mistakes which get punished for a prolonged way in this place and maybe it's true everywhere but I don't remember it in the past I know it now for the last 5 years I've been aware of this.

3) enforcement. this is where I'm at now trying to put the fear in him if I can. I don't know how to do it. I'll email him about utilities about electricity at the same time as I email unit two. That's a good idea. I'll also have unit 1 put electricity in their name. unit 3 already is. nobody's going to be paying electricity come June 1st. I'm going to email them all this April 1st and it's not going to be in April fools Day joke. I have two weeks to do this. The whole house is separately metered

There's going to be zero people come June not paying electrical. I'm giving them 2 months notice- because it's all separately metered and because electrical usage is high in the summer when everyone's running a window AC. this will help my numbers too in the trailing 12 months statement where expenses are high which make the net operating income look low. I'm going to eliminate these high months. Even if they only paid electricity for June July August September that would be huge for my financial statements but it's obviously going to be ongoing. I can also do it to all so that I'm not singling anyone out.

unit 2 is on the lease where the landlord pays electricity and they are good they've always paid up on time and I just raised their rent last year but only $150 and it's still below market and they have four grown adults sharing the rent there but it's on the lease only cuz I inherited the lease and it's month to month so I think with notice I can do it otherwise I just rewrite my own lease. anyway will happen. The other people on the lease it says that they owe electricity.

it's all separately metered but the common area was so cluttered for all this time even though I kept telling the guy living downstairs to clean that shit up. finally he was out and finally we got rid of the junk and I can see so I can fucking think and I'm taking control of this situation. I have a plan I have a path I have a way to enforce something to bring some pain to others like the guy downstairs now and to bring some relief to myself financial relief. I don't like to lose I like to win. I don't like to be used. I don't like to use others but I don't like to be used. this should not be difficult for the world to understand. I expand and my body downward and upward and outward. anything trying to compress me or use me is non grata.

getting back to the main thread I noticed the use of phones - phones are so jumpy

It seems that other things enforce a rigor against me- notice any system that takes your credit card has all these fields they need everything every site you go on needs all these confirmations before you submit they need two factor authentification (sic). phone's require you type just in the right place a millimeter off and it doesn't go and they force you through hoops. everything has rigor against the person. I have rigor when I need to enforce rigor on others. It comes to the two forms of demand the meaning of the word demand

first of all there are too many demands against the person against the self little demands big demands it's usually the little demands that flip you off more than the big things which just make your life poorer And the other meaning of demand is how much you're in demand economically how much my property is in demand. I only need to find one buyer in a thousand and I'm not bullshitting any buyers I'm telling it like it is to them so they know what they're getting into and so on

There's so much fucking asymmetry even though I'm trying to be strong I'm trying to learn I'm trying to think like a general I'm studying history I'm studying mathematics my two favorite subjects I suppose Cyrus I'm learning, Napoleon. There's so much entropy drag asymmetry diabolical design or just poor crappy design I'm trying to enforce my will which is not over the top it's basic and reasonable and life-affirming I'm trying to win my own body feel my own body in the gut without stress or without fracture and discontinuity is that so much to fucking ask? And I'm feeling it when I do things like this when I yell in the microphone And all that I actually am winning it back. you have to beat it back

you have to beat things back and you have to cattle drive so much if you chose the wrong people. if you chose the right people it's so easy and the right buildings the right investments it's so easy and if you have a good agreement it's easier to but I failed on those two sometimes and I have to do the third thing which is enforcement and that's the hardest one of all and the system is still trying to enforce itself on me even though I didn't choose a lot of the things they force updates on you with features you don't like- I didn't ask for that shit

I know I'm on the right path when I feel it in my body- I could be angry but I feel I'm honoring myself with my aura whatever I'm not cringing. That's another thing. cringe is in the eye of the beholder. I've done things that you might start off thinking are cringe But I held frame. I don't think they're cringe I think they're natural

And when the world tries to collapse on me and I try to push back and beat the world back beat things back I find out internally where my sticking points are where my weakness is, in my body or whatever, or in the world of technology or whatever or culture. it's revealing. it's exhausting but it's revealing. I guess in the past I would maybe scroll more or numb myself more with something and now I'm doing that less but I'm not flinching, I'm holding.

I'm frustrated by the non-payment and this is going to recur every month but I know if it gets too much I can evict him- I know the process And I'm happy and relieved that I can impose electricity on everyone. I shouldn't be paying for people's electrical usage.

I made progress but god damn it feels like you have to fight for every fucking millimeter at least in this fucking city. It is making me smarter sharper harder stronger But God fucking damn it I don't know why every fucking little thing has to be so difficult has to be such a fucking battle. this wouldn't be the case in Japan or whatever where there's honor or Germany or other places.

holy fuck

oh also I think I have to build narrative. Yes GPT said and it's right that I have to start doing things like a machine or like a system - " it's just procedure" And I'm getting there I'm building that machine up with mailing notices of late payment and documentation uploading to Google drives in a certain folder and all that stuff I'm building this machine but I can't believe how much is necessary and I'm still learning but anyway I also have to build a narrative. A narrative can be powerful

part of that narrative is I gave him concessions and you have to repeat the narrative just like Cyrus wrote his narrative when he conquered Babylon - he wrote his narrative on a cylinder in cuneiform. you know you need an narrative and you need to tell people what it is. part of my narrative I'm unrolling which is true is that I gave him these concessions and that's going to be in an email I send him

I said it yesterday I'll repeat it when you're talking to someone who's in violation or whatever or social violation or whatever and you're trying to get across to them sometimes with some people you sense a shift where they become humble or something or contrite. That's what needs to happen but that's so rare but also he could feel that way I don't know but he's hiding behind distance and technology but I'm not just talking about him but it's so rare to get people to feel sorry you know it's like what the fuck. why is everyone so fucking proud all the time or acting so fucking proud and righteous? are they afraid of liability afraid of admitting something or something - I don't know But what the fuck ever happened to humanity? That's what I'm asking That's what I'm talking about. you need to get to this shift so that I can show people mercy and grace. it's not fucking rocket science I don't get it I don't understand what the fuck I'm missing

 

[odyseus]

I don't want to be a complainer. I want to be an observer and I've had some wins but I've had to beat those wins. look where do I start I have to fight for everything and that's fine we all do it's like I'm driving cattle making sure they don't stall making sure they don't go right they don't go left There's a lot of friction fine I'm getting a $10,000 payout from rent support from a tenant who's behind who I had to evict or start the process and there's other stuff and another tenant separately is applying for help and I have to do some forms and I'm doing those and let's say I can make this happen I didn't need the money necessarily I need the loan that I'm getting refinanced soon We all need money but this is great but afterwards what's going to change it's going to be more the same you need relationships. I was listening to Eddie vedder today and one of his songs now there's a siren going on. sorry I have to take a break I was wearing my headphones 24/7 now because of this exact stuff this siren stuff so but now I'm talking into the phone so I can transcribe so there's no music playing so I hear the goddamn siren again all the fucking time

by the way I'm listening to Powerwolf we don't want to be no saints

amen. a fucking men

ill wait till the siren passes in 15 minutes

how the fuck do people have mental health here? i haven't even begun talking about what i wanted to in this post

so much drag, drift and friction as AI calls it

so much drift here- hard forced drift

okay Eddie vedder said in the song he's lucky he can count loved ones on two hands or something like that and I thought yes that is fucking riches so even if I win this little bit of money I'm in my 40s you know it's not life it's not winning often what we call winning is not winning and that's what a lot of people are like they call it winning but it's not winning it's just treading water it's just getting by

But why? why is it different here? I got into sociology here but I might have gotten into it anywhere because I'm a curious guy but this place has its own sociology as does every place but this place is different and I've traveled and I'm still thinking about it more than ever. Heck each season has its own sociology. it's very very early spring here or very very late winter and I feel a transition. Summer is maybe more like because I was into war last summer but I'm still into war. I'm against fighting it and I'm against our stupid war and Iran but I'm all for studying it. But last summer it was different I was feeling it in my body and now it's more in my head. They used to fight wars in seasons more

But I was just at the old fucking late night coffee shop with a bunch of degenerates and I say that loving me not hatefully by the way just for reference I don't say much ironically but that's what I mean and there are some attractive women there but I know I realize something here in Minnesota they categorize more They categorize hard they're looking at you or you're looking at them or more likely in the general direction -- another siren break. how do people keep their mental health? how do they keep any mental continuity? Jesus said I'm amazed at such riches have come to dwell in such poverty. Gospel of Thomas. I was thinking earlier today that Christians claim Jesus they don't know shit about Jesus Jesus would have the real Jesus even in the mainstream gospels were looked right inside of them and they would have trembled and terror and fear and left. he could size people up.

-- if you're looking at a woman here or in the general direction in her with you the degree to which she even takes notice it's becoming clear what they're doing is starting to categorize you and you could say that's universal but it's not here it's the thing that people do but it took me forever to realize that. different cultures are stronger or weaker on categorization and here is so hard that it becomes an identity they put on you whether you like it or not whether you know it or not And usually it's not favorable for me but to this place is credit in a weird way I'll give him credit I think that when two people get together they're really fucking loyal but that also means that the stakes are high in dating to them and even to talking to someone this alone even aside from all the other things this alone explains a lot of the struggle because they make everything high stakes when I just want to fucking go and get to know them or whatever whereas in Austin I met this girl who is cute ex-military she said she was engaged but and she was high quality in my mind she was maybe on the spectrum but beautiful and intelligent a little awkward but in a way that I like but she was saying like yeah if it if it goes through or whatever she was like kind of of the idea that it might not even happen or that she might not go through with it so that's not like what it's like here in Minnesota. They are so loyal to each other I think but I didn't even realize that was exceptional until very recently and it's what makes things high stakes to their minutes what makes all my methods or personality challenging to the system or hard to pass. it's not that I'm not loyal if I meet someone I'm loyal as fuck I believe strongly in loyalty but it's different here it's like the rules here for them whereas for me it's like of the heart but maybe it's a little bit of the heart for them to but it's like the norm for them without thinking the unthinking norm al and there's no real ramp up maybe I don't know They jump straight into the deep end maybe I don't know that's what it seems like here. there's some girls that liked me a long time ago And it felt like she was ready to jump into the deep end right away so I can come at this question of categories from all different angles in psychology from all different angles from the outsider who's getting no love to the guy who has a chance with a woman The pattern seems the same across them all this is the culture and it just doesn't work for me but I've been stupid and slow to identify that

you don't have to categorize everyone you don't have to have an identity for everyone and people are not their identity they can change but maybe they're not used to people changing or being fluid. I'm fluid but I don't even see myself as fluid I don't think I'm fluid but I'm flexible I guess but they're not used to that they're used to rigid bodies One person doing one job forever and fucking shit like that. I think there's a lot of truth in this and it's weird no wonder why there's been so much stasis and struggle cared They categorize me and that makes it by the way impossible for a man to get anywhere unless he's already in the good category. success with women here especially casual success seems like it's 100% about being in the good category. of course find the right person that's always the best like with tenants pick the right tenant and it'll be so easy. I'm renting to three girls that are moving in Sunday and they're so excited and they're like no thank you when they when I give him the information for how to put electricity in their name they're like no thank you and they're so appreciative pick the right person that's the most important thing but besides that pick who you're going to seduce but there's not a lot of options here besides that it's all about getting in the right category here more than other places maybe And how do you get in the right category? What is the right category? Even that's going to be rigid You're going to be a type cast as a person maybe a jock I don't know you need some indicators of that and I don't like it even if I could get in the best category because what is the best category the sex stud or fucking what The guy with the lake from edina or some shit? That's why this place is fucked up but I've been so blind to all of this all these dynamics and this is why I say everything is rationed because it is irration it's the person from not the right category and if you're not in the right category you're a second class citizen especially as a man And it also seems like rich people make categories not all of them There's some cool rich people but almost like you have to be rich to make them because the poor have to take what they can get so the privileged instead of rich it's the privilege white woman or whatever she can afford to be all categorical and I see myself as pretty high value I'm chill I'm successful I'm hardworking I'm not always chill but I'm chill around people I'm about connecting finding their center of energy and connect I'm like Ozzy Osbourne kind of you might say in manner or I can be like that but they have a dedicated will to put the person in a category and usually not favorable one and I used to think oh it's like not that women are better and they need to be on a pedestal but more like there's threats everywhere and they need to be safe so that was my justification how I justified their avoidance and all that but you know what it's not the same with women everywhere it's not like that with women in church it's not like that with women in Austin Texas or elsewhere or Europe that's not a good excuse I've been making excuses for them. I was partial to safetyism for the safety excuse how dare I want them to look at me and smile at me but man certain places are just fucked

I thought it was all about the person that is the protagonist that is me I thought I had to be better than I'd get success otherwise I was making excuses or blinds to my faults but it is all about the fucking place and you can't fucking overcome a place almost it's so fucking hard and there are systems in the world that are controlling now I'm speaking more generally. so much of the world is built on force and on deception and on lies and I'm learning how I'm reading books on how the The 20th century emerged as it did and there's a lot of force and deception behind it

I say the force is the iron fist and so many things are iron fists but it doesn't seem like that because they have very soft gloves very padded gloves so we live in a world of iron fists with very padded gloves That's how I feel and if you own assets you're more free and even the marquee de sade, his characters were Rich Lords because I don't think anyone else could get away with it. you got to own assets then you have sovereignty but hear the assets can drag you down but that's fine it's still worth having I'm still glad I do real estate even if I have stresses and I want to do more things besides I want to be Pluto not the dog not the planet the god because the name means rich but I don't want to be rich like a greedy miser I want to have surplus that's what I mean by a rich I want to have optionality streams of option abundance and money is the least of it but he was actually one of the only faithful gods according to some accounts ironically him and Eros most ironically I learned that a year ago when I was getting into the Greek stuff that's what Ai told me

so I had some winds that I'm also learning and getting stronger but it's pulling me away from my day job not too much that I'm going to be in trouble but more than I want but a lot of things open I'm working through a lot of things and they're starting to close or it seems like they're all starting to get closed down completed across the line thank Zeus But mad man man you got to know your terrain that was my flaw but I did what they said to do take action first and then evolve as you go otherwise you'll never take action but this place is cost me great so I'm going to leave it this fucking place The categorize way too much and then you work hard to be someone and then they're really loyal so you only get to be with that person and there's nothing that keeps them accountable making them more passionate or whatever although I like the loyalty I didn't even notice that that's how they do things It took a deep form of seeing. maybe it's just another way that they can have security and stability and low risk which is what they seem to love most in life very low risk tolerant of a people group. I want to be loyal maybe with someone and have a family maybe but based on other things

I think there's other some other new thing I wanted to mention but I forget what it was but that's fine one major idea per Post. it'll come up again if it needs to

you can't get a woman without being in the right category now there is a way that I could come with different energy better energy and get somewhere but the problem is and I had that ovid the energy last year but I lost it. I think duties pulled me down but maybe it was only right for the season and maybe that can turn women around anywhere but that requires financial abundance and that kind of optionality. The rich maybe have more privilege here than elsewhere and I say that knowing that I have to justify it and maybe they have less privilege if they self repress which a lot do but that's self-repression. here if they have a lot of money they can live with a different set of rules whereas other places maybe don't care what you do no matter who you are that's what I was getting at but you still have to be free on the inside

if they're really loyal maybe that's why Stephanie and Abby.. I think Abby would respond if I reached out But what would be the point but Stephanie doesn't respond back and maybe that's why. if I would have chosen them maybe they would be loyal to me through thick and thin but I have a strange ability to break deep bonds but they were high quality. maybe I would have got such a loyalty like other minnesotans have. why the fuck am I alone. now I'm in bed right now 11:24 p.m. but why the fuck am I alone in this life? Stephanie's love could have been good Abby's love could have been good annas love could have been good. nothing really makes fucking sense

 

[odyseus]

minnesotans are so stupid. how stupid are they? they're so stupid that it's like they haven't even learned the most basic idea that the map is not the territory

they are fused to their models because it keeps the system stable. more than fused though, they identify with it, and identity the models with reality. they are hardcore hylics (more below) and stability is a fine virtue but this is also inverted in so many ways, but subtle because they also invest heavily in a facade, of happiness, smiles, caring and opportunity. it is to me exactly what a demiurge or warden would do if he were building a psychic prison

i woke up alright, this sunday morning- nothing special- the humidifier giving me better spirits (oooh the water- again) but paging through persian history again i heard a siren at ~7am. the place has no shame. headphones and anger

there is so much resistance to push through here in every way- one gets no real rest

i am trying to cohere. that was last night. i feel myself in transition as the weather changes to summer. i can't drift. i have to find the relevant track and climb it.

people are frame strong here. my chest of all things- it has absorbed all this. i can absorb their frames into mine but it is so much resistance to push through and shocks and wasted years. to hear that european women for example- better women are also more open to age gaps- which shouldn't exist btw. i was golden when young. i was worthy when 20. my family, my "chosen" hah college and subsequent minnesota sucked me dry and now dares tell me about age gaps haha -- i find a way through everything. the level of contradiction here is enormous. special is the word. fuck special- a principle is a principle is a principle. no love from me, no respect from me. contempt emenates from my spirit, but does power? thats what needs to, otherwise I'm a fool

look all i want is escape velocity. no more such bonds as retain me here. its kind of a code to solve, kind of resistance to push through, kind of penalty or season to wait out but its horrible

they don't know the map is not the territory. on manners too this place fails at the most very basics.

it seeks to clone itself in the others, imprinting itself on say me, according to mirroring or peer pressure social proof principles but i know they are wrong, weak etc. they are hylic- material in a way, vs psychic and definitely not pneumatic, spiritual. they cannot comprehend things of the spirit. one must always go over their head- even if say it's a beautiful (hot) woman. such one trusts in her looks, her category but thats not mainly even what I'm talking about

i am trying to make the inner like the outer (no lies), the left like the right (balanced) and the upper like the lower. they are partial. i feel hindered in this on a day to day or rather i feel in my body as compass where the resistance is, how society is laid out. lately I'm going deeper in my hips.

I remember at this one coffee shop last year I was sitting next to this woman and we ended up talking and connecting and this other beautiful younger woman saw me and the look on her face - you could tell she had such a desire for me to talk to her like that a desire to connect. I didn't end up connecting. I don't know- I would have, maybe I should have but that was nice. there was openness. maybe she's more spiritual maybe she's from out of town. As a university student it's not unlikely. I met this English girl once studying her PhD in My hometown elsewhere in the Midwest at a smaller city. she hated it and we connected somehow but it fizzled out after a few meetups. I remember seeing her exhibit which she invited me to and she was glowing that I came and she like kind of bragged to her friend non verbally that I was there so I don't know why that didn't continue. That's happened a couple times where it seems like I've had it right there and nothing happens. did i not have enough sex drive to push it forward? did I not have the script? if they like me they should - I don't know it's confusing. That's a failure for a different reason and it's not like I'm a virgin but that kind of failure mode has happened a few times in my life

But now we're here and 10 years have been wasted. God damn was that 10 years ago? That's depressing

this place wants to swallow me. therefore I want to swallow it back. I want to put its frame within my own as a local reality and keep my sanity and perspective but it wants to consume me inside of it. What do you guys think? I'm talking about on a deeply embodied level. It wants to steal my agency that is and also my identity. It wants to make me its functionary it's load-bearing member for real estate. now I know it doesn't have a soul per se or maybe it does but I think what this is called in physics although I haven't really studied it I've only heard about it are attractors. when math is too hard to model deterministically they create these things called a tractors which generate certain patterns and repetitions.

I constantly feel a pull to become a mere servant and not a rewarded one not one rewarded with genuine love and authenticity or choice in partner and I resist that and I reject that because it's a bad deal after so much work. at any time it's a bad deal My balls are too big but it wants me to absorb. It wants me to bear load which I'm doing because I have to do it but I do get paid for it in real estate but I also have to keep pushing and fighting for What I've earned, my share.. And that's only money. Even if I get that money there's no family in that there's no friendship in that What the fuck is this shitty deal? it's almost like a secondary capture mechanism trying to trip me into having dopamine.

this place is not built for spiritual growth or sexuality it's built for encirclement and it's totalizing but you know what I'm built to go the distance so that's where we're at but I'm looking for escape velocity. exit velocity is a process and I'm trying to execute that process execute that strategy that plan. That's what I've been doing the last several months not without progress but there's so much more to go. happiness is overrated too - happiness as proof. What Nietzsche said about pity I don't agree with But you could say it about happiness. I don't need to show my happiness as proof of anything. I can be default salty and if happiness comes on me - fine But it doesn't serve me in this world it's not any kind of fucking currency like they act like it is. My currency is forcing people and systems to do what they're supposed to do. That's another thing. It all is about force. it's about force enforcement and effort - which has the word force in its etymology. if you don't force others they'll force you if you don't force the system it'll force you - it doesn't sleep.

this place is so hylic. I'm going to start teaching people patronizingly I think if I ever get the chance. you know you have to be patronizing to them or what feels like patronizing. I'll start with the basic lesson from neuro-linguistic programming I guess or Gregory Bateson or whoever said it: The map is not the territory.

sirens at 7:00 though even on a Sunday. no rest here - that's a problem - a different problem even in one's own home

 

[odyseus]

noises in my own home cause collapse of mood and state. there are things that do that out there i suppose- breeches or strong ddos- things that are crippling of an otherwise good strong system

it it is always worse when you were feeling great before. when you're completing a task in a good state of flow and you get repeated interruptions and frustrations in short order it cripples and insults the spirit

many of my negative posts come from such a state. my tenant next door who did no wrong, who is a good guy causes in many ways more grief than many others and the collapsed state causes misfirings, a changed nervous system. i feel my brain different- more in the back and my body different and rage emerging.. slowly and definitely, like a realization, and a sadness and a loss, like a shitting on a piece of art

this fourplex is a noise transmission machine

i need to escape this city
- but not in desperation or haste
i can't escape this city because i am anchored - by something i am trying to get rid of

this noise is a common denominator. It makes a lot of things make sense. after a day of work even a good day it ruins it- It ruins my final state.

if a man's home is castle - my castle is a weak castle

I can be grateful but I had to shift. I had to shift trajectory. I had to downgrade- that is downgrade the task I was working on

I was patient multiple noises but it just kept continuing without conscientiousness

My patience gets exhausted.

It is fatiguing. I've been studying fatigue and this is highly fatiguing highly.

this another things this sirens force me to walk around wearing headphones all the time but my current task required that I didn't.

it's like earlier today the second I take them off out in the street I hear a siren no shit the second that happened several times.

I'm trying to be bigger I'm trying to out frame everything and get everything inside me inside my body inside my chest inside my balls

The system here is just fucking zombie low conscientious

It puts one in a stupor

it is exhausting and emotionally draining..
and makes one fail and rush

And I had a good day today. speaking of the typos that was frustrating me I got a new mechanical keyboard and I'm getting some other ones and I've been studying that after I got done with all the other harder more serious work earlier in the day. I'm optimistic about that but we'll see. anyway it's hard to get the rest. like Jesus said the sign is motion and rest and I was doing both but the rest is stolen. rest is thwarted. What do you have to say about that? The world right now these days is ceaseless. it's 9:51 p.m. not that late but I keep hearing noises. I gave time for it to pass but it kept going. It just racks the brain I haven't found a solution for this. I'm anchored to this place. I'm always willing to be happy if I have the minimum basic conditions met but those fucking conditions are so hard to fucking meet it seems like. There's too much fucking noise and vibration besides just noise. There's vibrational shocks sometimes when I'm in the bath. theyre thuds. They try to demand attention and force vigilance appeared fuck their fucking shocks. I can take shocks they're just annoying I can't take them continuously siege warfare but they're nothing in and of themselves. I do not get inducted by these noises I just get irritated and exhausted. I only get small windows a day where I can actually do actual deep work cuz of everything around. I'm trying to make the left like the right the inner like the outer the upper like the lower. The world can't seem to settle down and find rhythm.

I have other work to do I have things to do to organize to communicate and importantly to think strategically and tactically on and these noises don't help any of that. And meet with obstacles that are obstacles in themselves. this is a meta obstacle. you have to use force in this world. Force runs this world not weakness force. use force or it will be used against you

 

[odyseus]

My goal is not to bitch but to chronicle. To understand and map- ethnography and psychography. I am consumed here. I have always been consumed- otherwise I would have received reciprocity. There were times when I did get some reciprocity and I occasionally shared love but I was captured and called by other duties or forces anyway. That is what I want to escape.

Consumed like Kronos consumed Zeus.

Ironically I was feeling Dionysus or someone- that energy-- that I deserve love or rather sex rather than thinking about curtains and how I am going to install them for new tenants. I have three new tenants I am somewhat excited about. They did what I expected but faster- they are making the place so pretty and warm. They had a list of things for me to tackle. Fine, that's good but I am learning how curtains are better than blinds- which always break and look ugly over time and get dirty. Curtains 100 and I am learning to hang them HIGH and WIDE- to make windows look better. Optics matter, in many things- they really do and I am also learning about depth and rod thickness- I want at least 1" thick rods and significant depth- i think 3-4 inches

This is profitable to learn and not unproductive but I have done the work. Where is the love before too much time is consumed? That is what I am getting at- and then I realize and see how consumed I have been- and it is amazing a system can exist that is so successful at consuming.

THE SYSTEM CONSUMES--- And that is an empowering statement because when we realize that and AS we realize that, we can counter it and handle it.

I had an event today- it was interesting- two women - they weren't karens per se but they sat in the middle of the room and the lady talked loudly with rigor and that kind of boring standard dominance- no acknowledgement but it just rubbed me the way so I realized some things- all I need to do is make the left like the right, the top like the bottom, the inner like the outer. I held my own. I do not owe anyone smiles or even non angry face or rather fierce face of asian warrior. I do not have to assent or appease but that doesn't help me with not being consumed- or maybe it does. It does but that is not what I was talking about just now.

Anything that gets in the way of love connection is evil.

Good things should be ASSUMED- Good things about the self, about the other and about life.

When good things are not assumed- it is in a way evil. There is after all no scaffolding in our modern society not in this city.
This city works in network only- you have to be part of a network and it rations and conditionalizes and rewards rigid roles- which are not necessarily traditional roles. Even if you take a non traditional role, they want you locked in that category/role- in general but the generality is broad here: Almost everyone is in that range. In other words the standard deviation from norms is small I think. I think that's the way to say it. Everywhere has norms but here 2 standard deviations is represented by a small number- a very small one. I have always tried to be rational and fair and honest rather and honest with myself.

I am trying to break through, trying to emerge but I have been trying my whole life.

This time I have more confidence in my professions and life and so on-- which I didn't have- and confidence in other things.

Now I need money.

I have some money but I need more money.

Most people get money with strings attached- or bonds- psychological or karmic or sociological bonds.

I want freedom overall, sovereignty overall so I want money FREE AND CLEAR or not at all. Of course you live and learn and make mistakes and there are tradeoffs but that's what I want and need now and will help me more than it would have before I think.

Of course I want and need my spine- and to always re-find it when you lose it. The spine is everything. The face doesn't actually matter- for a guy it can be angry, fierce, happy- whatever- there are no rules for men for face. That just came to me by inspiration here now but I think it is true. Actually I didn't think through it much but I'm just going with the idea that it is true. It is important for the man to have his center and his spine. That is what matters to him and his trajectory-- and then once he gets that, his exit velocity- from cruel systems. In the system but not bound by the system. Life is a series of bounds and bonds and many "powerful" people are heavily bound. I don't envy them necessarily-- but I have been too consumed and women are consumed too- many women too and they need freedom and that is worth pondering. some might let a guy show her freedom or he takes her and breaks her free anyway and others may resist that and aren't ready. I don't know- again I'm just thinking out loud but people get consumed- I think the boomers consumed entire generations largely for shame (with no shame)-- but keep the spine. Keep slashing through. Slash slash slash- that is what the last several months have felt like and I have made consistent progress but it does feel like that- consistent slashing slashing- some hard won victory and payoff and then more stress or friction (not a recapture or loss but a new challenge but progress overall- just no final coasting but progress upon progress but with much slashing. So much slashing has been necessary. That is the best way to describe it and capture/consumption- by evil systems-- many of which are family systems that should have one's best interest at heart or national systems.

You realize that-- i think this is true outside of slavery-- that nations cared about their fellow nationals. There were hierarchies but asides from maybe the Roman enterprise, nations like persia maybe cared about the local persian, and wanted the best for the same, and the greeks for the greeks for a given city state and so on- assyrians and so on. I don't know-- but i think -- people were maybe disposable in war but in war there was also a brotherhood- that can't be forgotten. We know little of what it must have been like. Avoid the mines- for sure but I think there was more appreciation and genuine care for one's own.

The modern system is demonic as it were- although I don't believe in demons and I shouldn't use that word probably- it is toxic and suffocating, of the archons more than demons, and family systems and national systems, what should care about a person, instead uses them and suspends their progress in love and life. Capitalism is included in this- it can take good forms as anything but it is not above reproach. No system is. I wandered into a small bank today on a walk and they thanked me for coming in--- I just said hi and chatted. I had told them i have mortgages and helocs. It is like having debt or having money is a virtue in this system. They view people that way whether they realize it or not. Money convinces people of virtue- it is the oddest thing. I hate this system and I will learn this system and I will prosper in this system but first at a spiritual level. Everything else will be derivative- the exhaust from my spiritual path and pursuit. In my wake will be good works but I don't need to look back because I am always after better stuff- but the problem is capture-- and blockage from my own share of love. When will I have time and space and mental space, and a chance to meet. I wonder how seasons affect meeting and coupling here and mood but that's another topic.

 

[mirror]

Okay i read through the last post. (Also one before but i cant comment on it right now). Just thinking one thing.
Blinders, curtains.. i prefer curtains myself. But remember. Anything you hold, you need to water and take care of. Meaning the curtains need care too. You will need to clean them, wash them and rehang them from time to time.
Whenever they get bad, they do need care. Just like we do.

Hope it helps!

 

[odyseus]

ok so I'm around two girls at the coffee shop and I'm doing good code work- which is rare- lot of copilot stuff

its rare because my job has been mostly vague support stuff, platform and security. this is good

they're not playing loud music

all is well

i got a payout from the gov on behalf of a behind tenant

ive been slashing-

ill have to slash some more

BUT THERE'S NO WIN (or cause for pleasure) if I can't bridge

I'm not seeking dopamine "wins". most people don't do honest accounting. they buy into false score systems and pay into systems on treadmills of deferral or whatever


but i gotta bridge this- if not today then when?

i realized systems differ on suspicion -- and that is HUGE. It is almost like a thing that lives in the air - and there is also self suspicion- internalized i guess, which i have to work through maybe

also when i feel its hot- theres a lead, i go low- i go into my body, my sexuality - not pornographically but my emotions, my base to vibe but smooth on high level

this is good and this works in some places - austin and Europe maybe various places

but Minneapolis goes high- credentials, status tokens, "proofs" which i am loathe to do in general. the only proof or sign i like giving (im exaggerating a bit) is my vibe and chemistry and so on. i mean i don't like to flaunt or flash credentials- especially ones that say I'm safe, culturally. oh safety matters - to women and so on. i DO want to be seen as safe- so they can open but not "im a nice guy im progressive etc safe". its hard to fully capture what i mean because its subtle. I'm even fine doing some of this if it is natural and authentic. i just feel so many are extra. this culture is extra when it comes to it but Austin et all it wasn't it didn't need to be. it is low suspicion

but anyway i go low i go hips and gut and others high head Proof as a high level default

don't parse this too much. this is general but real and significant but general. its a pattern, a definite pattern and tendency but not an ideology but it does show my error, my terrain default mismatch and even illustrate a conundrum. one *maybe* almost needs it here, needs that social capital on the one hand AND/OR alternately the ability to cringe or stoop

if it wasn't true i would have probably gotten more love

women everywhere like better guys too- as an aside, on in many respects universal values- height etc except besides the fact theres a woman of attractiveness in her youth married to a paraplegic in a wheelchair she has to help drastically there are also differences in how much traits matter or can be overlooked - much much culture overrides

one might argue people move on traits but many are abstract or hidden- like how that guy makes her laugh or how much social fit one has. all I'm saying is this place seems to highly value social fit and conformity and low risk ness but also punish other traits because they threaten these sacred cows but even if i displayed them, i see now this place for its faults values monogamy and women and men are faithful to their partners - which sounds good if you want that - and i was always open to that but in this place it is no good for a couple reasons and I'd rather have looseness - such relationships are too conditional and costy and hard to find and slow to form, being in network. even the initial intake, when a woman like Emily years ago expresses interest, they require early seriousness of mood. like I've said before this place makes things a big deal that I don't consider such AND thats from someone who highly values loyalty, honesty, loves the song of Van Morrison "have I told you lately"

this place is just high in rigidity and anxiety or risk aversion at least and every place has norms but this place has low tolerance for deviation and very low standard deviation

so.. zooming out again-- i got deeper into sociology

its not that I'm making excuses or creating alibis. really i judge myself on that front. i want to walk the path

but before the sociology up top I was getting into interesting new stuff: how to bridge and oh yes suspicion culture

and even when the women in a very particular place are not suspicious.. i am so used to it here- a man's sexual or emotional desire, that it is hard. multiple times in my tenure here i have vibed with attractive women-- WHO I GOT SIGNALS OF LIKING ME- And but when I ask them out for coffee or something a huge wall went up As if it was asking was a huge deal -- And by the way this is where the A/B against Austin is huge because it's the exact same pattern the vibing even less signs of interest actually followed by the suggestion want to go out want to get pizza which leads to a yes which leads to more connection. you could say I'm at a hostel but not everything happened in that environment. no it is the environment of permeability, The dimension of permeability related to the dimension of suspicion and so on. I do dimensional analyses now And these may be correlated or non-independent but and they may not be the best basis vector set but openness permeability degree of suspicion those things are fucking fucking huge in an environment otherwise women maybe bury how they feel to you They may deny it to their grave even if they like you knowingly and they may deny it to themselves And this is the terrain the 5 ft of snow I've been trying to walk through and operate in for years. you can't grow bananas in Alaska. maybe maybe maybe if you have an amazing greenhouse but seeds don't take in certain places and that's kind of how I feel it's been here and it's not just me I have a lot of friends who are attractive and I know they would do a lot better elsewhere and I'm not talking about Southeast Asia either I'm talking about a fair place because they have good jobs and they're good blokes. It won't happen overnight if they moved somewhere good But it would have happened in a year or two for them and they beat themselves up and the guys who aren't as good They even internalized their status here and they don't know any different. it's like a fish caught in a net. I'm not trying to save everyone or even anyone. I'm just observing and reporting and telling it like it is from the field

put pragmatically because pragmatics matter - what I need to do is find a way to bridge find the combination the code and I know I don't know what the code is if there is a code that would break through and get me connection and I've definitely found parts of it I've learned how to tease people last year early last year which really fucking worked I was loaded with confidence from these realizations and from a mood and it really generates a lot but then other things failed me like duty and things pulling me or whatever maybe something else collapsed or buckled in me. I don't think I have any dual loyalties but I think I have different loyalties that are orthogonal that compete for resources for time and energy and attention so the code is multi axial- One has to unlock suspicion if it exists generate chemistry naturally without effort in have logistics and time space and all that stuff

I don't want to be delusional. I also haven't shaved in a while so they could see grey beard

it's always possible specific people are being just friendly and maybe these were probably cuz I didn't talk to them that much mostly working in silence sweet silence but proximity effect you can turn friendliness into attraction that's been one of my strong suits if I'm around the same people enough. coworkers etc and I also know that not everyone just feels friend emotion. anyway the need is to find a bridge the code that makes a bridge but I'm just so fucking happy right now relieved that it's not fucking loud I haven't heard a siren in a while The weather is kind of nice I got work done I have a nice new keyboard external which clacks which makes a huge difference. who knew it wasn't RAM- I'm not a computer nerd-- I like computer science data structures but I'm not a computer nerd but it wasn't RAM or CPU or even screen size that makes the computer experience more pleasant but the keyboard and mouse and those old-fashioned keyboards are the best. I'm investing in those and trying split keyboards once it arrives but it's quiet here I'm doing specific work that I liked right now for the job so that alone is amazing but there's no satisfaction until they start to get in flow and abundance. I want to rash for myself a little bit not too much but just enough so I'm hungry and focused because it's easy for a guy to settle. it's easy for him to lose focus. it's easy for him to be too hard on himself and not take the wins But also drift too much from what he needs for what he wants sexuality. The world can push two steps into you incursions and pull back a step and you feel like you won something or are winning. most people don't do honest accounting and they have never have throughout history especially in realms where there's freedom nominal freedom like here where you can do any career or whatever live anywhere.

The one single dimension of how suspicious an environment is for how lacking of suspicion between men and women is HUGE - it's fucking huge and I've had this at the periphery of my mind but I've been processing so many other ideas I haven't arrived at it yet fully but it's fucking huge and it's something the individual doesn't really control. maybe slightly kind of but largely not And if not it's something you have to adapt to and specifically adapt downward to not upward to or laterally to because those are three types of adaptation directions. avoid places and things that require too much downward adaptation if necessary. that will make your life harder than it needs to be and engender accumulating resentment and resist the development of momentum. I'm not about taking the easy path but I'm about taking a path that is viable and most rewarding and sometimes that's a hard path but things can be hard in different types of ways and the reward functions can actually exist. something can just be lacking a reward function whether it's easy or hard. sometimes there's tall hanging fruit which is worth going after but sometimes there's not and sometimes there's the illusion of that fact and sometimes a person puts themselves in mental loops for one reason or another and lives in unconscious fantasy or presumption - Even building their life around that.

 

[odyseus]

I had a nice conversation with someone yesterday she was 23 she was ordering drinks but she was very talkative about Europe and travel and living overseas and she has friends and then I joined in the conversation and it was really nice It was brief but she talked about herself so I could ask her about herself and she was opening and she was cute. only later did I realize I should have asked her to sit down and tell me more she left right away and I let her go It was early in the evening. I always miss chances and they're so few and maybe you say that's negative self-talk but I don't know I miss too many chances like this that don't come around everyday.

speaking of what people miss - I realize this place for everything else it's missing a sexual axis. I've talked about many things how even if just this one thing is true - that they make a big deal about things that other places don't make a big deal about like going for coffee with someone or I don't know just dating or whatever I mean even if they're single they act like things are a big deal like they're Calvinists from the 1500s but unlike them they're also lack some of the other things that might make up for Calvin's Geneva I don't know.

I realized they're just sexually repressive which means they don't even share sexual energy not that I see. it's not that it only comes out on certain conditions, carefully gated for security. It said it doesn't come out at all- except in a deformed or limited form- I'm thinking either super drunkenness or only in relationships behind closed doors very vanilla. it's like why can't you have sexual energy you don't even have to act on it and you can only do it around guys you feel safe but they don't even have that it's like they lost a dimension

which made me realize it is just that they are missing an axis. they're in their heads maybe their hearts maybe even their emotions but I doubt it but they're definitely not in their pelvis not in their sexuality or split off. they're missing grounding they're missing completeness wholeness the upper like the lower. also the inner like the outer which means they're ironic in speech And their left is not like their right which means they're different people in different contexts in ways that are chameleon But for now they're strictly missing the lower axis. it's drown out I think by morality, The base and powerhouse of which is probably anxiety somewhere - survival anxiety or salvation anxiety or something but it's missing. maybe it's drowned out by so many cultural superstitions But when I go to a different place or when even in this place on rare occasions I meet a different type of person - this person was well traveled but I also met someone from out of state not even out of the country out of state and she was wild she's the one I had the most wild sex with ever- when i meet someone like that it's so different. human normal things are actually possible

I'm Reading history these days - the history of Persia from a modern author but I also started herodotus. I got his book history from the landmark series publisher which is amazing which has a lot of maps and notes. he opens saying that the conflict between the Persians and Greeks came from abducting women on both sides not just Helen but then he says that the other side says that they were complicit. isn't that fucking funny

But In the Persian history book there were less taboos between inter-family marriages and stuff. now I'm not angling for that In my own life but we have way too many fucking taboos way too many fucking rules that are not historic and you know what part of what started all this was the book sex at dawn that I started reading last summer which I still have not finished I paused it long because I had to process it. I got to the part where he was talking more economics and maybe that encouraged my continued study of economics which I've been doing for the last year. I'm not studying economics like a normy, learning what they tell me to in their textbooks but I'm studying it as a topic itself- I study the field itself as well as different theories I study it in conjunction with sociology and whatever. at the end of the day I don't subscribe that much to these labels. I only use the labels when it fits for expressing an idea. if there's one thing I can confidently say I study its systems. systems include economic systems financial systems social systems cultural systems law enforcement systems urban systems or cities as a system and even these are just kind of artificial or maybe natural boundaries. I study interactions and integrations between things. I integrate because I want to have eyes to see and I want to be able to position myself and have sovereignty and understanding and I see that there are so many taboos here that weren't part of our history but they exist now in strong order highly moralized- age gap relationships and other things. people seem so dense. They think if they feel bad or do something that's called bad it's a moral failing but nobody's thinking systemically. we're not meant to live this way we're meant to walk around a lot and be in the sun and being tribes groups communities and we're meant to have more love and not be circumcised and I'm not like trying to be like a hippie it's just that what we have now artificial light offices hunching over screens or looking at screens all day with dopamine drips lusting after women will never get chasing money getting high on dopamine partly these are useful innovations that we can use for knowledge increase and so forth but bro failings are usually not your fault. Darius was not self-made. he was promoted hell of a lot by his father and father-in-law. people are always blaming themselves and believing in myths and abstract myths and being subservient to modern taboos. I'm trying to decouple from all this and be in the world but not of the system. And then maybe I want to leave the system for better systems but the first step is to be in it but not of it and have eyes to see and capital surplus not riches necessarily but surplus and optionality. when I was really stressed and felt stifled my justification here I started reading sades Justine for the first time last summer too and that's not about I haven't gotten to the part where he's glorifying violence if that ever happens. He's saying that Providence doesn't exist as we think it does and virtue is not always rewarded. He's attacking Hope and blind hope and blind optimism and I knew that right away and it relaxed me when I was stressed and being forced or asked to believe lies and stupid myths by the ambient culture around me and my circumstances but I kind of overlooked at the time but his characters also had money. that means they also had optionality and They were seeking money and one of the characters had a plan to win his inheritance through murder. I don't condone any of that and in fact at the time when I was reading it I thought you know what maybe what he's writing about is not good it's immoral and stuff but the whole system is too- it's artificial and unnatural as I had just been reading sex at Dawn and even if not everything is true about the latter even if just some of it is true having that integrated would have made things different in his context. he might be wrong about the solution or he might be adapting or writing about people adapting but he's right about the cause the situation. things should be more free and then what he was talking about wouldn't be necessary.

But I don't mean hippie free love even Or at least not that absolutely everywhere for everyone. I actually like diversity and think based on David graeber's book which I haven't gotten that far in that are prehistory included all types- which makes a lot of sense. We had monogamous groups polygamist groups maybe all different types of economic systems I mean talking about the hunter-gatherer era all sorts of varieties I'm guessing and everything in between even today we have different regime types and that makes the most sense but I don't like too much suppression because that's not natural anywhere.

But I value monogamy too and partner loyalty and family raising. I'm not just saying orgy orgy orgy I'm saying this system sucks in every possible way in Minnesota and but different systems on paper can all be good in their own way. A free love society can be good as well as a monogamy society like Germany where they're serious about each other and not fucking wankers. I don't need radical equality economically but I don't like such extremes as we have in such wretched homelessness like Victor Hugo would write about, the wretched. I'm not sure but I believe the more accurate translation of Les Miserables is not the miserable but the wretched. That's kind of what we have here homeless bums on drugs but even if they're not it's slop culture But it's actually pity I feel and distaste. I'm not arrogant I just want the whole society to be better cleaner less pollution less noise less sirens less irony less shallowness although I'll give it to the homeless and low - they are less ironic and facetious. That's a middle class thing. I don't mind inequality but I don't like what we got. I'm happy with monogamy but I don't like what we got. it's in the little things in the details that I don't like what we got here in Minnesota but also in America in general. I don't know if I'm expressing this right. it's not the major ideas that are wrong it's the implementation- it's just ridig and moralizing and poorly implemented and architected-- And I see how it's wrong even intellectually morally based on the books I've been reading period I'm a Rousseauian kinda- I love that guy or what I know of him. he wasn't perfect but even he had regrets about leaving his kids I think but here's the thing I'm not putting up him as an idol. I just want more openness and less brittle calvinist or neo calvinist judgment and less flatness and libidolessness less grindset obsession but I think a lot of this is just not survival anxiety but actual survival needs and mechanisms because of the modern world because of the system above because of neoliberalism and the Chicago school maybe. because of financialization. The particle responds to the field. The network of particles responds to the field too so the blame function has to be run right I get that. that is why I study systems and I just want to find a way to prosper. I want to decouple and escape first spiritually and then I want to actually leave the system by means of optionality- financial wherewithal. The idea of not being able to do this is scary and I'm not getting younger

 

[odyseus]

most people look away- and many are professionally polite. this is NOT so elsewhere but I'm going to prove the point and my trustworthy report by means of a counterexample:

a tall and lanky young nymph walked into the coffee shop wearing short workout shorts and a short top- not slutty but cute-- she walked past me, i did my usual look of tasteful recognition, appreciation and/or acknowledgement -- and this time i actually got a response, a greeting, a smile back- not an I'm flattered blushing smile but a fair greeting back

its not that it sends me through the roof dopamine spike.

its that its grounding first - validating like in real estate when i have a win finally after a long battle and then being grounded and seen, yes there is some dopamine and pleasure and wellness

i am not that happy these days- beleaguered, besieged and loaded down AND it takes so little to make me happy or whatever, a good community or ambience, some freedom to be productive in some way and not much else - but there's noise, distraction, coercion I'm noticing, and unconsciousness of others. it could be just what I'm noticing more of-- but it definitely hits the brain. i heard a yt video today actually while driving why some people need more silence

anyway she her simple recognition made me feel good. most look away. it feels aa rationing and at least social enforced austerity. those are two things i hate- they are so dry and so negatively transformative

anyway there's the positive example

i am developing so many other ideas. until i can leave, that is sell something I'm an ethnographer.

btw frame, again and force - oh, big capstone idea. i wouldn't share it if it was just word recombinations but this was felt- the end game of a society strong forcing a frame onto its in practice subjects maybe,,, is that they are fed reality- a sense of reality, but it is not reality though- it is perceived reality, a narrow narrow subset of reality but this is forced into people - probably by what might be a main method- just hold or maintain a frame long enough over people-- and people will generally fall into it even if kicking and screaming

they may identify this as reality.

i identify this as coercion and small mindedness-- and maybe I'd have talen a different path if I'd have gotten any significant reward, the dating opportunities others may have gotten

I've always been other here, i see that now finally even though I'm male majority race and orientation etc. it doesn't have to do with that but my neurotype i suppose, which is probably a conpressed concept of many components

anyway long story short i have always been uphill here. thats the tragedy, all the wasted time

oh last year in st Anthony main i was on a lime scooter. i only looked in these girls general directions but i got back a look of scorn or contempt and disgust. i rarely to note make faces. i usually have a flat affect and let them do what they do first but i bring up this girl and her glance judgment because i got the complete opposite in Montreal and Austin - two passersby women went out of their way to look at me - young attractive women - both blondes btw.. and so the idea is training- training the others ego (that is, me or you), the others self esteem and self image - in one case to self hate i suppose or to shrink and in the other case to expand

this is cruel and wicked therefore as can be plainly seen

I might as well tell you about a soon to be ex tenant As a rider to that last story. this tenant let's call her Lila- I hardly met her hardly spoken to her and she always paid on time so I had no bones against her. another tenant from the same unit said she was leaving and they got to find a replacement because they split the rent four ways which is $2,000 so Lila share was only 500 but it's actually less because two other people pay more than 500. I never really saw her spoke to her or heard from her until a week ago when she said she lost the key and how she can get another key it says do not duplicate I helped her out. well as I was helping new tenants downstairs from her I was installing new curtains which I didn't have to do and I've done a lot for this downstairs group I saw her moving out and I talked to her and I asked her friendly why she was moving and where she's moving and she said just a little bit away I said oh she said there's a lot of problems with this place and then she said the landlord is horrible. she was looking straight at me I thought she was joking. she said he entered in twice illegally. I told her I'm he. first of all I never entered an illegally I hardly entered I hate having to go over there a few times I might have popped in to do some work and the good tenant let me in this good tenant always messages me with gratitude and stuff. her parents pay her rent even though she's in her 30s or '40s she's down to earth and cool and nice and sympathetic to the human condition so I don't know what the fuck Lila is talking about. those few times I might have gone in I wasn't there long I wasn't in anybody's room and I didn't see her so how the hell does she know about it in all the problems she talks about she never once communicated to me? I'm a bad landlord? I do so much work for this fucking shitty ass property and it doesn't pay me money The other one's paying money and I don't have to do that much work on them And the problems with this are multifaceted - tenant problems boiler and plumbing problems, garbage problems you name it. how the hell does she get off saying this shit. I was talking to her trying to understand and then she said well you don't have to deal with me anymore and then turned away and I'm not regarding that as avoidance in the way I've spoken about before here because she talked to me for a minute and whatever we're going our separate ways But she thought I was a new tenant moving in. she didn't even know what I look like how the hell is she know that I enter illegally? And I know she's willing to bad mouth the landlord to new tenants poisoning relationships. The people downstairs love me I'm doing work to make them good because I want people to pay on time and I want to invest in long-term good situations. this building represents the quintessence of Minneapolis in all its horror. There's all types of people living there ethnicities attitudes. The young white people are the worst but not all of them but some of them. got some fucking attitudes They don't have a straight way of thinking not all of them but some of them and it's not based on how they look and I don't really pick those extra roommates because they kind of had a deal I inherited where there's like four strangers but anyways how do you like that. All this work and I get labeled a trespasser in my own building. she clearly can't communicate- if she has issues with the place. I wonder if she's just out of college because she has some entitled attitude but she didn't look out of college she looked a little bit older but I don't know you never know. Its this evil energy. That's what you get a lot here and you could say yeah you're in real estate What do you expect But you can pick good tenants if you're wealthy enough you can hire a manager you can run it statistically if you have enough doors not caring about any one unit abstracting it away. I am not in that position And this house is used me more than I have used it and the city has used me and what the hell is wrong with her these are two different frames colliding two different energies And this is a microcosm of the macrocosma I've been living around and if I hear this from one person she's just the tip of the iceberg because this is important -- there are two theories..

there are two theories or schools or thought And this warns me to take seriously the worse of the two.

The first is that and they can both coexist the first is that people are just nervous numb overwhelmed and don't take anything personal They just can't look at you in the eye because they're busy or afraid and they're afraid to date because they make everything a big deal unless they really like you and it goes really slow and blah blah blah that makes sense and I think that's largely true but on top of that some people actually do have malice or judgment against you some little thing makes them actually malicious. Or ill disposed whatever you want to call it spiteful or whatever and they will badmouth you and do reputation destruction. this is a woman I've hardly ever met and oh by the way again she only pays 400 and something dollars a month. What the fuck I even pay the utilities. I didn't take it personally but it did kind of get to me it's like another insult from the house also my boiler doesn't shut off It kept going burning gas I found out and people have the windows open What the fuck. The place just gives me one more problem to solve after the other. I can do it I have been doing it I've been swinging in every ball that comes my way I've been slashing slashing slashing but it doesn't fucking stop and it's always the same fucking property almost always. I don't mind a little work on properties if other ones give me something that's fine and actually even with my load which is not the biggest but it's not the smallest either the load from another property wants to know that doesn't even bother me that much it's like oh they deserve that and I'm cool with it for the most part. The stress doesn't push me over the edge necessarily but I've had it with this piece of shit. it's not a horrible property it could be all right to someone for the right price but it's so wrong for me. this fucking tenant paying in the 400s never communicating directly her problems or issues And the one time she does just a week ago about losing a key I told her how she could make a copy. The key said do not copy the ones I inherited I told her she can go to home Depot make a copy in the machine I just validated that it worked or I could give her one of my many extra. Am I not responsive? What the fuck is wrong with people? no I know people are like this you are going to think I'm naive if I don't know that but it's not that it's like everything is getting funneled into me from one single source and I want to be done with it and I want to be gone and free or at least have this house be quiet for a little while like all the others. it's just another thing but it's telling and there are lessons to take away if I analyze it. I don't like to let any good data go to waste.

good manners. that goes so far with me. I'm so attracted to women with just good manners and when did people become vicious and anti-humble not just her I was wondering about this. nowadays nobody is humble. they're either broken or arrogant self-important self-centered. whatever happened to basic humility like I don't get it like it's like everything's a contest or a war like that is a mystery to me I thought humility is normal It gives everyone buffer with each other it's part of a good society like it's literally free It costs nothing and it gets you places it gets you relationships and oh yeah my banker we're working on a loan he fucking gives non-committal answers. In person he's great to talk to so I go into talk to him but he doesn't give me an update after over week so I check in and he says oh yeah I have a few meetings I'll respond later just so vague no clarity are things on track Is there an issue nothing and I don't hear back the next day he's out of the office it's like what the fuck everyone wants to suspend your agency it's like I just want to have agency and fucking direct this process.

this post is longer than I thought it was going to be I thought it was just going to be a short one but the smile but I might as well get this out there too. I read in this great book The Battle of Salamis about how Xerxes crossed in degrees from crossing the Hellespont And his journey down there and whatever and oh my God that was an undertaking. any general or anyone to lead a war they have to maintain so many dependencies they're under so many constraints political social financial economical tactical my god. I had the art of war up on my screen just automatically I keep reading the same first screen first page cuz I know I haven't fully internalized it or whatever but after reading the story of Xerxes and his undertaking then reading Sun Tzu It just felt and popped out as so obvious and so essential just like he was saying it's like theory is good but and even reading the history is reading theory versus practice but there's way more context and context helps the theory just slide right in I guess and verifies it so I'm not the only one who has to maintain dependencies That's what I'm trying to say. bigger men than I doing bigger projects than I do have to maintain all these dependencies and undependable dependencies. There's often also treason- an outright failed dependency and treachery and all that jazz and also Darius was a piece of shit human being it seems like unlike perhaps Cyrus but who knows- there are so many unknowns and you can't judge things quickly you have to take your time.

 

[odyseus]

I am the world's most cucked man. Well -- one of the top percentage, from one perspective.

I am formidible in certain ways - and respected in certain systems- greatly even but in the wrong systems I am shit on

I am cucked but not by consent. I do not enjoy it. I resent it. I am not literally cucked but i am deprived and dry.

Right now I am ordering curtains for three girl tenants- but they are respectful. It is not for them but for the job. That is not the big thing- the reason I bring it up is it is 1028pm. Before this i was trying to correct an underwriters mistake. they want to annualize the debt payment but not the revenue and so destroy my DSCR. I had to spend the whole day sorting this out. This is the guy that takes forever to get back to me but i have to use them because I have a current laon with them. They are a good bank but that is not why i am cucked.

Maybe it is not the right word. It can have multiple meanings but i feel enslaved, enchained, induced.

But I don't just feel it as a feeling. I feel it as a state. It is a reality.

The system has had me dancing so long despite me being deep and aware.

"Know what's in front of your face, and what's hidden from you will be revealed to you, because there's nothing hidden that won't be revealed."

My aura is growing I believe. I mean -- i walk and move with purpose or without flinching, with resolute purpose if not seriousness. I can laugh but i will not be hijacked. that makes me irritable and vengeful-- but I like to laugh and connect.

I feel increasingly consolidated in an increasingly or increasingly evident fragmented world.

I see people get confused- whether to drive or walk forward or whatever. I see them hesitate and stall.

I don't judge. I try not to judge- the old lady or whoever, but how much I bear

But what do I have to show for it? Work streams into me? This is not what I signed up for. I am trying to throw this shit off my back.

I almost got a huge refi payout but I knew it wasn't done until it was done. They done made the process take forever as I was pushing them for info-- ah you got time, you're auto approved. Then he slows it down in true minneapolis form and then they fuck up my DSCR i find out today. They go by "taxes" cause those numbers are verified- fine but if i own a property 5 months and that's what taxes show and you claim my debt service is based on 12 months- something doesn't add up. If I would have bought the property in jan it would have passed. The DSCR of that property alone is 1.7- well enough to clear.

Think of where I've been- i get back from Austin and Boston and realize how much better things are- Nov, come to this shit hole and feel a heaviness, straight away lying down last nov. I decide I have to move. I start the process over the winter.

I get a call that my HELOC is coming due so I work to refi it a few months ago. He says I can pull more equity out. Perfect- buffer. That and selling my shit property- which I got a promising call today about- a guy opening a sober house- good energy and has the cash- Let's make this FUCKING happen. if he closes that's enough to just pay my heloc lol but i wanted cash out but anyway these two things promised to give me CASH for which to move and they could still both be happening but i knew ahead of time- life keeps yanking. That's all it does. Until shit is across the line it's just a jerk off-- and I knew this going in which is why I was trying to drive the banker. This whole city and even the professional class are idiots.

The women tenants are appreciative and will pay good rent regularily and I had to do this. the blinds were breaking up. Blinds suck. they go bad and look ugly. Curtains are better and I have been learning how to do them- measure them, select them. I like doing things well. Nothing is done too long that is done well- i think Caesar or someone said that. Fine but it doesn't change the fact I'm never free- never really living, only being teased my whole life- dangled.

A life of dangling.

I am trying to slash like a motherfucker- and I have kept my cool like nobody's business these last few days even. I'm both seething and keeping my cool in front of a bunch of bullshit. that's my new norm kind of.

Many men have shit eating grins on their face here. They are gimps and they have their women do all the work- and on one hand that sounds pimp and I know what you might be thinking and i agree that would be except here it is not that. It is somethign different- it is a rule/morality/norm system they are exploiting, the women are stressing and the men are limp dicked. I think so.

I'm in my base even lower- lower energy centers. It's not a pride thing. it's aura protection. I'll be walking by someone- on the sidewalks where nobody looks anyone in the eye and I won't change my rhythm. They won't bump my energy into my head. it stays in my sacrum. I scowl more because nobody is worth anything here. Even friends- I have good friends but they are constrained by some local religion to not be bold or cross boundaries- good people though they are.

I meet a few exceptions from time to time but I'm cucked. Streams of bullshit for me to solve.

I guess I got assets and it could pay me for life. Sell the one keep the rest. I guess my numbers are better than the average mere w2 but they don't feel that way with the volatility lately and variance and labor and I am still too dependent on the w2 and there is too much precarity but a lot has changed in 1 year it is true - and the norm has become new in such a short time.

Warm weather is approachin and that changes mood. I am still into all the greek stuff- it's been about a year i think, coming up on a year- learning more about soldiery and war- ancient warfare and modern too i guess. I'm not obsessed with it-- necessarily. I love history - i need to know history and that's part of it and it's also of vital importance to the self-- as sun tsu said. It cannot be neglected.

I don't consider myself an extremist in anything. I try to make the upper like the lower, the inner like the outer and the left like the right

Too much friction too little reciprocity here and too much bondage- i still have these bonds. when will they end? Selling one house- heck giving it away will release a lot of bonds disproportionately- the bastard house and i found an excited man worthy of respect recently- good conversationalist and driven and serious. this is what more people should be like. Society changed. People lost manners and communication skills and started fearing all the time and withdrawing. I don't expect much.

Nobody to really help me- never had anyone. I have to help my sister. Not complaining about that- it just is a fact. The world comes with force. I have been forced- numerous times. Did I have a chance? Does anyone?

I think I was smart to see deep in things but i missed obvious things-- or I thought I could win- or else it was no contest, i was sucked into funnels- choosing to live here, etc. I don't know that I understand the forces around me. I see now more clearly than ever the force of money-- and with it everyone's need to be beholden to their whatever.-- employer and be on their best behavior.

i can't control when deferrals will end and when really good things will start coming my way. i have always sought them using the direct methods and no i never tried to chase and sometimes indirect methods- all methods and just living well and smart but it has been a dismal failure it seems. I have not caved- I have tried always to evolve so what the fuck is the problem. The problem is place (culture) and circumstance (economics) and lack of support, obviously.

I am not an extremist but I am going to extremes to stay centered. I am using my head- my prefrontal cortex to try to solve what should not be mine to solve and to have a bigger frame than the one trying to consume me and trying to use my head rather than flinch my body and break state.

I am not trying to be anybody. I am trying to decouple, and be liberated. I am not above smashing and slashing at obstacles, metaphorically. We live in a society

I have NEVER been a cuck where a woman walks over me- unless it is kinky shit. I think i am capable of deep erotic connection from a place of strength and trustworthiness but it's their indirect methods- the way the whole system and such consumes me- that i fall victim to. The system people built- architects built wrap around me, flank me, deprive me, make people prejudiced and stereotyped against us with a different type of category system. Look around. Take the wax out of your ears. I am not trying to say any ideology. I am just standing tall expecting what is natural and it does not come. There has been a system that has emerged or has been engineered. Look around. Are you blind? I knew it and i tried to navigate it but i overestimated. If i left i would be appreciated somewhere but how can I leave when i have things that need doing? I could walk away. They try to use you here with a smile. that's how my own dad operated.

Fucking inherited millions- fine but didn't earn shit. good for him but he tries to flatten us and use us with smiles. would rather kick him in the balls. never shows emotion except giddiness whatever, saintlyness but my sister said he was really anxious about something. I love to hear that. I would have been a great father- still wil be, the best. Children love me- i'm telling you they fucking love me. I look at them eye to eye.

The older person won't hesitate to ask a little seven-day-old child about the place of life, and they'll live, because many who are first will be last, and they'll become one.

That is true. That is how i've always been. at some point people sell out. They do. They lose their spirits. They don't want to end up like me I guess. Abby liked me- and she was good. Stephanie and other Stephanie and Tatiana and others but where are they now- far and few between so i have a cucks life in a way- different kind of cuck- this one is by force. Resisting doesn't work to a point, in a way i know. Go with the flow sometimes in a way. At least I have coherence and eyes to see. What would old ross say? I never consumed his stuff- only the samples but I think while aligning with some I don't align with all. I make enemies of teachers without meaning to- they mis-regard me and my needs largely but I don't know what is to be done. Have a frame, hold it long enough and be patient I guess. I think this will pass- i mean this location. Just having the desire and working towards it- when it is time I will be spit out- my property will be sold and my refinancing will happen. They can if I don't get a loan and can't find one in 18 days they can foreclose on the collateral that is highly performing - let them.

He said, "They're like little children living in a field which isn't theirs. When the owners of the field come, they'll say, 'Give our field back to us.' They'll strip naked in front of them to let them have it and give them their field.

One must always be ready to give it back- to the petty moralists

I have NO idea if there is a higher world and the rationalist in me says there is not

If the flesh came into existence because of spirit, that's amazing. If spirit came into existence because of the body, that's really amazing! But I'm amazed at how [such] great wealth has been placed in this poverty

But if there is- do we think it's just angels singing hymns?

It's probably people having orgies of love.

This world is drunk on stress and power and not just that but limited liability and cheap dopamine and cheap status games. They play for such small stakes

They came into the world empty and plan on leaving the world empty. Meanwhile, they're drunk. When they shake off their wine, then they'll change

So if there is a world above i don't imagine it full of moralists. that's the world down here. it's probably a world of orgies and fun- partying AND health and participation and we're all projecting some other thing

but that's metaphysical. i can be as rational atheist as anyone dismissing any superstition cutting out all sentiment. i'm just saying if there is.

the will the will the will- in architecture and physiology. the will - so it exists in a person who exists in a geography and geometry/architecture and it expresses itself in his body- his hips and loins and gut and elsewhere, his eyes but who cares. it is usually routed, forced around, induced, coerced, pressured, fractured with his attention, etc. it is enough to have and keep coherence and continuity. In todays age that is a huge win and a huge super power but what do I know. I never get victory, winning, loving. been kept down so low someone's thinking that we're all green. that was just a lyric to george harrison's song. i don't know what it means but I like that song. it never took that much to make me happy- community, sunshine, good fellowship, inclusion but these things are scarce and rationed. what the fuck and it's my fault for getting funnelled here for lack of better insight.

Being here

Blessed is the lion that's eaten by a human and then becomes human, but how awful for the human who's eaten by a lion, and the lion becomes human."

The lion is a savage ruthless beast and it comes for your spirit. that's not paranoia, paranoid schizophrenia. If it was then why do systems and people repeatedly fail the basic honor test. they try to use with bad manners and non honoring behavior? Why does the US Government bomb Iran? Open your eyes. I can dance - to ancient Greek OR Persian music. I have wild in me. I am not stifled, just suppressed externally. Ready to drop kick someone- not really but -- all i'm saying is i'm usually far more present to my environment than those around me- unless I'm totally into something and oblivious but I CAN BECOME PRESENT as needed, whereas others can't. Paranoid- or reality seeing? I'm not special. I don't want to be at least but I want what i deserve, I want all people to have a good life and love and not so much frustration as I have over the years- and I only this year mapped it to this place- which I've said has hovered around me- college, then last 10 years. I didn't realize I was so singularily invested and moulded by it but it makes so many things make sense. They really are a different breed here- that is absolutely a fact- passive aggressive cocksuckers- that is a fact, many of them, unmanly and not even self serving. petty i mean or whatnot but the joke's on me. Back to work. I gotta make this order of curtains and then I can go for a walk and have a bowl of ice cream and face what tomorrow brings when tomorrow comes.