I'm fukt

[odyseus]

I'm surrounded by clowns. many things are working but I'm I'm surrounded by clowns- and i joked about the lutheran mafia but that is a real energy. its not lutheranism per se. its cultural. gotta bring back shame and punishment where one can

choose your people well- although one doesn't always have that luxury, come to good agreements (contract) and then if necessary enforce or impose costs. i find it works to make them do thinking. put the cognitive and emotional labor back on them. they go quiet. this inverted place breeds clown energy

in general I'm making progress towards my goal of leaving this cursed city and state. it aims to induce caving in strong men but it is going to induce hardening. i will win a pension from it, it looks like. it will pay me trubute (rent) my life- perhaps my whole life.

latest clown update is finance. 2 months ago got a call- my heloc coming due in apr. fine- i got on it. said was auto approved and can tap extra equity >100k and make it an amortizing term loan. turned out every one of those was a lie- his system told him one thing, the underwriter another.

i will not be controlled by money- not in this way. the underwriter fucked up my dti, the dscr, calling it 1.06- and they need 1.10. she was annualizing interest for a property i got in late july but not annualizing the rents. that raised it to the 1.20s. i also claimed ~30k on my taxes which they used as repairs when they were CapEx. i can amend. add them both back and I'm at 1.43- even more if you take out their 50k living expense deduction. shit. we went over this and dscr was no longer the hold up. find but they still sit on their ass not communicating as the deadline approaches. they don't wanna be second position - i get that but they already were. their only terms are short got this condescending email

Hi X,



We received feedback from our underwriting team today and I wanted to get you an update right away. The good news is that we are approved to renew your line of credit for a 12-month term.



That said, the team did note some concerns regarding the activity on the line. Moving forward over this next year, we would like to see the resting and usage patterns improve. It is important for the bank to see that the line is being utilized for its intended short-term purpose [I've used it for its exact purpose investing that we agreed to and nothing in that agreement says short-term]; if we don’t see that improvement by the next renewal cycle, we will likely need to look at terming the line of credit out. [fuck you bitch fuck you for making everything conditional for making this a moral issue fuck you fuck you and fuck you for being friction that reduces my exit velocity fuck you - fortunately I have a plan. ]



Regarding the request for a $100,000 increase or a new term loan, the bank does not currently have an appetite for additional exposure at this time unless we are able to move into a 1st lien position on the subject properties. [it's not that risky but fine it's their model I respect that but their own loan officer their own system was the one that suggested this and also delayed the process so that it got in such a crunch. The DSCR covers it the equity is there. I don't want to call out the loan officer cuz he was a nice guy and he just had a kid but fuck this bank]



Please let me know if there are any questions or comments. I’m happy to discuss the specifics of this feedback or look at what a transition to a 1st lien position might look like for you.



Best regards,

so anyway I'm going to take the 12 months or start that process at least because I still have over 2 weeks but regardless I'm going to do a rooks sacrifice. I'm going to refinance the lot of these properties, taking out new firsts- Even though my current first mortgages are in the 4%. yeah I'm going to lose percentage points but I'm going to get a clean cash out and I'm going to get 30-year debt no more fucking heloc. this aligns with my strategy of stability and consolidation that already existed. to be clear 330k of it is 30 year fixed. it's only this $149K gadfly that is causing all this ruckus. I could try find another second position or whatever but fuck this shit

yeah that's on the heels of a bunch of other shit - this anxious underwriter for insurance not anxious I understand it's the system I get that but I opened a claim during an emergency because this company that was referred to by this other emergency plumber said open a claim and will do this work but when I called my mentor in the industry he said no cancel the claim just paid out of pocket months later the insurance is up for renewal they want proof that the work was done even though I didn't pay through them but anyway bottom line is what I care about is sovereignty and few strings attached and definitely good partnerships and no moralization no conditionality fuck them. I wouldn't mind a lot of the negative things about this place if there were more positive things but it's all just one big shit stack there's nothing redeeming about this place really and I maybe should be grateful some people say but the problem with that attitude is that what everyone pushes you shoves you towards be grateful that's the moral that's the ethic here- just be grateful you piece of shit, Go die for your country or go subsidize bums who are chronically late

I got some girls moved into one unit three low income young ladies but they're so appreciative they've decked it out they're going to be good I think but you never fucking know but they're showing me appreciation I hung curtains up for them oh what the fuck My cleaner than clean the fucking range and they saw a mouse poop and now I have to get them another one. I'm happy to do it to make them great tenants and keep them but I'm not happy that I have to fucking do it cuz the fucking cleaner cuz you got to fucking supervise everyone and I overlook this. God damn it. I'll get a used one it'll probably cost me around 600 after delivery and install

this other clown is always late on rent He's always losing his job or whatever even though his girlfriend pays half and it only comes to 1250 total so here's the thing- A lot of women carry a lot of men in this city not just like a nice woman carrying a jerk but an overly responsible empowered woman carrying a nice but soft wimpy guy

here's what he texted me tonight

Whole Foods was not nice after I cut my thumb. I thought this other restaurant would work but I wasn’t quick enough for their kitchen. Got a job after at ****** jumping through all of the hoops for that. Should be actually started this next week.

find whatever but I'm really pissed about these tenants and that text kind of fucked with my head this Friday evening. I've been just going to coffee shops or whatever reading a lot mathematics and reading this book on history, on Salamis and Triremes. I'm really pissed about this unit in the tenants because they're not the worst but when I was listing it one day I had an appointment to show it to this girl cute girl with a dog she would have been great I know it a great person to have a fucking beautiful but I didn't know that's who it was cuz I didn't Facebook her until after I missed the meeting. like the one fucking showing I missed and I missed it cuz I didn't check my phone cuz I was getting bombarded with bullshit before I turned off all my notifications from spammers it just was the worst time bad luck -bad luck really exists by the way. no one slashes harder than me and no one tries to configure their mentality more than me but this place is just shit. bad luck has common factors often and the main common factor is this shit city in the other common factor is this shit era but anyway I resent the fact that I have to rent to them versus this nice girl with a nice dog. that one is what they say in poker should have paid me off. instead I get ugly reminders all the time of that. I might give them 2 months notice for no reason but I was waiting till the refinance to do all that stuff but maybe I should just do it and not always wait on other stuff like that even if I don't have tons of extra cash and I'm a lot better now but sometimes it's best to just do it regardless but given notice to them is something I just started considering but giving notice to this other guy who always pays on time but just cuz he's condescending sometimes with something that's been on my mind for a while although that's kind of softened. I'm close these guys are just on the edge they've been on the edge for a while.

I'm tired but I don't let fatigue ruin me or induce me the perform badly. That's how systems get the better of someone.

You, too, look for a resting place, so that you won't become a corpse and be eaten

Even a 5-minute bath in the middle of the day at work can really restore the body and integrate things. I never want to hurry through processes that should take a long time and the thing about that is to not get fatigued to get reintegrated

I'm going to pay more interest but not a lot more necessarily and I'm not going to have to worry about debt for the hell of a long time or at all if it's fixed and I'm going to have some extra cash in my pocket or I'll pay down other HELOCs that are residential personal ones that have longer terms but still that's why a lot of the extra cash will not bear interest because it will offset higher interest but I'll have the cash available to just live and maybe buy a small place that's somewhere quiet or do what I want with it or just feel more secure with more optionality. I don't need to be rich but I need a good life and I chose this path among paths or the gradient pushed me on it I didn't choose anything nobody chooses anything but the point is I'm on this path where money is involved and credit is involved And I wasn't stupid I know that strings are always attached in some ways but this was an exposure this was a learning experience of something I knew could happen but so many fucking things aligned. They just have low confidence in me or i Don't fit their model. someone said my lender friend said that maybe they don't have many deposits right now. yeah and why didn't I go with my lender friend when he's awesome? cuz he doesn't do second mortgages but now that I'm planning on doing firsts I called him straight up. rook sacrifice and if I finance it at 7% and it ever goes down a few points to five let's say I'll do a refi. In general or at least in so many things waiting is the wrong answer acting is the right answer. that's NOT true in everything or in every circumstance But in many.

I'm becoming more and more embodied at the same time as I'm becoming more and more aware how many things try to throw me off my timeline off my rhythm outside of my body into my head because it's the system it's the culture- it's the culture that makes a big deal out of everything out of grabbing coffee with a guy if you're a girl it's the culture fuck I hate this fucking place

Blessed is the lion that's eaten by a human and then becomes human, but how awful for the human who's eaten by a lion, and the lion becomes human.

I've only been trying to move since November so I'm not doing that bad. it's been like 4 months and that's been winter and I've found a new tenant in a four bedroom and I've done other stuff. I got to outflank the energy of the whole system. some people say it's entropy some people say it's no one design it's just an emergent phenomenon of many individual interests and settings but here's the thing that they miss. nobody is doing anything or the system isn't doing anything to offset its behavior it's flattening behavior it's infantilizing behavior it's using of people of high agency and putting them in circles nothing is abolishing that so they're voting for it in practice. I know I was a fool to ever live here not see the obvious - guilty And I paid the price 100 times. A million times depending on how we're counting And I'm trying to leave but the chords you have to slash them. it's really just an evil system that kind of pulls you in. granted I have property but I think I can get out of here by only selling one and maybe I don't even need to sell that, and doing a refinance. then I'll collect a fucking pension from this city maybe for life. fuck this place I'll come back just to do quick management and to remind myself what this place is. when I was sitting at the airport one day in Minneapolis on the massage chair just looking at people their faces seem so heavy and internalized whereas in other places they didn't seem like that. There's a deep thing that's wrong with the people here but they wouldn't define it like that But I call it low reliability as well as low authenticity and other stuff but I'm appreciating the importance now of reliability and how that cannot be taken for granted.

I'm listening to like Persian music these days and some kind of string music which is not that different from the Greek lyre I listen to a while ago last summer but anyway Indian flute music too, while I read about these ancient wars and battles. It puts my head in another place while I'm around people and not having to react to my phone which I try to avoid as much as possible but which is not completely possible in this modern world

that fucking lender tried to put me on a leash when I haven't missed a payment I have a full balance and I've been making my payments on time - is that not the ideal borrower of what the fuck and they said there's enough equity in there to get $100,000 more so what's the risk if they fucking don't give me that money but don't act like I have to be on probation for 12 months What the fuck is wrong with them That's a money earning venture in any way they could show me some fucking respect the fucking losers. The loan officers were all right but the underwriters are fucking anal and okay fine maybe you say we have different models maybe there are different system maybe they're low on deposits I don't fucking know but I'm entitled to react how I react based on how they're talking to me and treating me. after the financing is over I'll probably send them some hate email. not heavy stuff not a rant or anything but some light condescension echoing back how they condescended to me and showing that two can play this game that I'm not beholden to those bitches. I would actually do a first with them long-term except the problem is they don't do 30 years for commercial at that level and when they do they don't go as high ltv as other places can give me so good riddance to them. Good riddance to anything that tries to attach a bond (in the abstract sense- a tie or a string to me) without doing any value in return. The city doesn't give me love and Austin gave me so much love. I'm fucking misplaced here I do everything right natural instinctive authoritative confident but also humble I'm a great mix of confident and humble and present and spontaneous I am those things but those things are punished here. confidence is punished. I think even humility is punished or accuracy of speech and I'm not too accurate but eyes to see are punished or at least held with suspension presence is kind of punished if you don't tow the line of whatever norms they want to do and spontaneity to kind of. maybe someone here could adapt to their culture and be fine but that adaptation I haven't found out a way that I can do that and make it work that does not too harm to my own spirit. I try. I try to find a way and be flexible and I have to watch so many people with partners that don't seem like they're good fits with each other but who might have judge but I have to see that in front of me when I'm struggling so I try to open my heart as always but I've opened my heart way too much. how can I open it even more. I have to wear headphones all the time so that I don't hear fucking sirens and horns insulting me when I'm trying to have a coherent continuous thought. this place is fucking garbage and the latest clown story is the finance but then I don't mind getting bad news that collapses ambiguity but they put you in a fucking pending state like you're a fucking kindergartner so anyway fucking-- it's going to be easy to get a loan if I give someone first position fuck everyone else fuck all their anxiety fuck the way they talk to you fuck the way they don't keep you in the loop I'm talking months here delay delay delay What the fuck. sure I get fatigued a little bit sometimes in spirit but my purpose in plan which definitely works is to always restore the self and remember what happened and gained stronger sharper eyes to see the system because when you restore yourself but keep your eyesight then you see the bars of the cage you see the architecture of the system you see the function the density function that gets integrated over the geometry you see the scandal you see the nastiness and all that shit and you can navigate around it. That's one way to open your eyes. In some ways I don't blame other people for reacting to the system And being defeatesr but they got to pay me, either the rents that are due or the respect that I'm owed. They should come alive when they see me because I'm alive. this place uses men and when I say men I don't mean the male sex I mean it uses people of value including women and it flattens them and it sucks everything from the without giving back their due. people think other people care about their opinions. I'm speaking architecturally. you notice I don't often get political opinions and whatever fuck that shit that's not what counts I'm speaking architecturally I'm speaking of the soul and social fabric and relationships and what's going to happen to the country the next generation. I'm kind of fatigued so I have to kind of restore myself tonight in the bath and hopefully have a productive day tomorrow and close the loop on the goddamn curtains which I'm almost done with just got to hang them up since they came from Amazon. The rods are already done. just got to close some fucking shit. happiness is closing things. purgatory is getting people over the fucking line. you got to fucking drag them by the ear you got to confirm them every fucking minute. you got to put so much fucking pressure on people here and even then you don't get that much value. other places that's not like this. people actually say yes to going out whatever I actually got dates one-on-ones with women without even trying and I was appreciated and a couple from Birmingham We had drinks and we talked about a lot without even effort or striving what the fuck is wrong with this fucking place. There's a second order effect that it makes someone not because I'm very strong-minded but it makes someone question their value when it's not their value at all. I had a profound thought earlier today. The hardest thing to escape is avoiding generalization when the whole culture around you tries to funnel into you a certain generalization but if you go outside that system it's completely different. it's hard to avoid generalizing about that crap but if you go outside fucking everything is of a different order even if it's subtle

anger and angry face is all right. it's not bad. anyone who defines it as bad is probably part of the friction I was going to say problem but they're part of the friction and they're not going to make you have a better life they're not going to give you a better life. Time to go under the water and try to integrate for a bit

 

[odyseus]

I believe there's simultaneously a universal attractiveness in women toward men- across all cultures in times because what I mean is a certain type of man regardless of culture is attractive to all women everywhere- now it's dynamic every woman is different but they're the same same but different And part of the attractiveness is knowing how to feel her and react to her in real time and maybe it has to do with exuding surplus of women because you don't need to be rich so I definitely believe this is true from ancient Egypt to Northern Germany to everywhere it's women's club women's society They know. And they know each other

at the same time there are cultural constrictors. I just came up with that word it just came to me but we'll go with that there are cultural restrictors constraints conditioners modifiers all that stuff and I'm not even talking about male hierarchy per se or wealth that positions you in a certain place in the hierarchy makes you the lowest oarsman of the TriReme or whatever or xerxes infantryman. there is that but I'm not even talking about that I'm talking about how it modifies the female and the space where the male female can happen is allowed to happen. I hate that word allowed because I don't like to be allowed anything or refused anything I'm above that I'm bigger than that but that word applies in an architectural sort of way. There's layers for sure. There's a constrictive layer against women where they get so pulled back and closed up because I saw a woman at the tea shop the other day young 23 she is so open here so different than the normal and she was white and she was talking about travel France Switzerland Italy so it's like fuck you know But even if she didn't talk about that she was alive but those things correlate. she was different. she was what I considered normal but in a world that's not normal. different cultures constrain the women and close them up so they're not like her at all but they have fear faces and different things change their eyes where they see the value of men or not and different things bond them and make them feel like they owe loyalties to different people to groups to their partners. I often see partners walking around a lot on the street whatever They can be poor they can be whatever but they have a kind of loyalty to each other here a strong bond that is not just based on passion it's as much I think based on the rule system or the norm system that of course they have to stick together and it's not based on religion or faith or passion or anything but almost like a buddy system kind of thing but that's just what I see so the principal one above applies- In many ways attraction is universal and getting the woman interested in thinking about you bypasses all culture in male code and official code. It goes right to female knowing and instinct but then rule two applies too and it is a paradox- But they both fit. maybe the bridge is social capital if a society is non allowing. maybe money in the place on lake Minnetonka is what does it but it shouldn't require such extremes - Or maybe little things like being part of the right church and professing the right faith.

now I'll mention two things that are very illustrative of nuances.

when I went to this West Coast swing event there is this big circle across the whole hall when we did the lesson together tons of people and they would rotate women would move down after a bit and so I got to dance with everybody and so many people were looking me in the eye which is rare in Minnesota so many were connecting you could feel the energy they trusted me They wanted me even you could feel it you could see it in their expressions but when the main night dance started all the sudden everyone was too fucking cool and I danced with some people but there were so much more detachment and that was a temporal thing not a spatial thing not a geographic thing but a temporal thing or a qualitative change but I don't know what changed so much that that had to change so much that was weird to me shocking and confusing and it still is

The second thing is when I become part of church groups and there's two tiers there's the young adults or single adults And there's the regular adults but here's the catch the regular adult groups are always boring and way different when they were mixed but the catch is that it doesn't have to do with age that has to do with status of marriage or whatever - they become so lame where is the young adult ones are so interesting and open it's like they fucking transform or something I don't know or it's selection bias but anyway when you're part of that and or even just go to a church environment on a Sunday service suddenly people are so at the right church they're so welcoming And you can feel female interest but not just that you can feel community and it's almost too much compared to how little there is elsewhere. I joke like Minnesota's like an insurance policy - you have to be in network to get anything anywhere with anyone. I did not say it's about networking. Life is about networking I'm saying it's about being in network conforming to the right network as much as belonging, having membership versus just networking. it's kind of like that one mafia movie: A friend of mine versus a friend of ours has different meanings One is networking the other is being in network in Minnesota's like an in network place. I'm thinking you don't get very far not being in network but the rub is that the networks are largely flattening and their identitary and you have to like say you are something. it's the Lutheran Mafia you have to be small. it's kind of culturally communist I think and I don't even think economic communism is as bad as they want us to think because people survived people lived it's not good but worse is cultural communism, Communism of the Spirit because that should be yours your own you are your own spirit I mean the size of your spirit not the quality. behaviors can be polished and refined to get along with people I'm not against that but they want to size you They want to say you're too big fuck being too big fucking There's great people in the world Isaac Newton fucking whatever and I don't even want to claim to be big but I don't want to be shrunk by some idiot who doesn't even know me just because it's standard fuck them at least let them get to know me before they have a fucking plan for me you know what I mean this is what I'm talking about

once I can leave here I'm going to be so much better off even if things aren't perfect I know that's the case nobody's going to say see I told you so cuz I'm not expecting things to be magic just better just healthier just fair more fair at least

 

[odyseus]

has there been a theft? someone questions motive behind this question to accuse one of playing the victim but has there been a theft?

the lead to this question, which is really an opening move is as follows, and btw the theft in question is manifold but relations, family, even skin- honor, place, position, self confidence.

i was reading a book here in public on a sat night and observing the agitations of other locals doing the same. i was reading a real estate book. it is an older one, from 2005. i haven't read business books in a while and sometimes i read to reflect but ---

btw one is either in an agitated state or not and i work to never be- and this place is training at altitude. i notice how my mind works better. i listen lately with headphones to world music- with strings and percussions- arabic, indian etc. it facilitates continuity of thought.

agents of disorder are arrayed against one

this real estate book opens polyanna. "money lives on the other side of fear". i wrote about the perpetual disorder one property gives and i realized today some of my tenants are not well mentally - depressed, anxious etc and that's i think increasing - and its not my job to be therapist

the book is very Napoleon Hillish and sells mindset as do many pickup books

pickup at least when i got into it was very bad on cultural anthropology - preferring to generalize. see my post above- i think all women everywhere are the same at some level but cultures change things GREATLY and that is not factored in, and people blame themselves- not just former me. this locally adapted young man here a month ago talking to two other guys. he sold himself short for love. austerity and stoicism and self blame and the culture as the problem vs the self

i was thinking of pickup skills - if one gets them working - how someone from another culture like i dunno almost anywhere in the world maybe , from India or Turkey or Arabia to even as close as Russia or Germany - laughing at why we need this

we need this because we were robbed but even with this we were robbed-- but results vary by place. hell I'd go so far as to say results very often vary more by place than by person, even for an unskilled person, and results feed into the reward system of the brain as you know, yada yada and that becomes mindset and mindset becomes wrongly (to a large measure) part of the blame (bzw Credit) fn. mindset can matter - whatever that is, and momentum but some systems (cultures) don't care, or they play uno reverse on your virtues etc

but what society goes well that doesn't mate its sons and daughters? the Christians are having most of the kids probably

people, short fat women - they're people too, and true believers in whatever, anyone are spending so much time (here for example) learning and studying but what they study is the problem (i had this thought). they just go further down their rabbit hole, their local frame without studying frames as such- let alone coherence and non agitation - which produces discontinuities and glosses

so you got a society of all different people studying all different things putting everyone in a different headspace thinking Ουρανός knows what, Ahura Mazda knows what, Ba'al and Astarte know what. it tunes them and orients their focus but I'm thinking of this on a sociological level and comparative sociological and anthropological vis a vis have we been robbed? is the west stupid (or did we overshoot)? germany was pretty nice when i visited and i liked Montreal however brief i stayed. Japan seems west in a way, like it has taken the best -- and the best is not the Augustine track.

we the west in america etc are not that grounded or doing well in other dimensions YET we are doubling down and trying to force our systems on others, even other euro countries that do things in a different way- versions of the west if the west is even a thing, a valid concept or model. we lack- and we teach, in other words, and do more than teach - reminds me of the demiurge

scowls are powerful. i scowl more- it is in larger measure automatic. i can switch to friendly, warm. i have flaws. i can be shy when it doesn't serve- with weaknesses to overcome though they are not nearly so much to blame as the culture, or maybe it is the mapping of my weaknesses against said culture -- but scowls work for me. imposing cost functions. when a tenant asks for something optional or borderline requiring solution - eg minor window drafts- i - depending who it is, our relation, my current load- I've learned to ask them to think what to do or can be done. a lot of times you get silence. force people or request people to think and they tap out lol. it's a tool, a kind of new one in my belt but for real i think depression is increasing. one property is fucked for me but maybe i will have it sold in 3 months. but maybe spring and summer will bring less depression but it arises just like i hear homelessness because of the institutional investors - not just IIs but the giant IIs. there should be a name for an institutions institution - but things are not the same but everyone can communicate. these people at least can come to me if they want wisdom but people are not hungry. I'm never too fatigued for wisdom, am i?

but in my 40s no wife and kids- that's maybe an indictment on me but it definitely is on society. of course I'm not passing the buck but fuck that Protestant woah is me im a sinner ethic, that refuses to see systems. the worst systems thinkers perhaps

but aura and patience and long game and non fatigue - fatigue recovery to not collapse or concede but go the distance.

scowls work. few scowl. its like the nose end of a trireme. I'm thinking and learning more about Triremes these days. scowls can protect aura and body language, defending against encroachment but regardless the system is heavy. there's just so much sheer weight -- everywhere, so much noise and friction and disconnect and opacity and cost-- here that is. there are exceptions and i think this place is designed for loud bar people and bar bros bc i went out by invite w a friend to lifetime fitness and after we went to nice bar restaurant for food and drinks. i forgot about this aspect of life. its fine to visit but its not me. good guys though. the place- had tallow fries and the best steak and pork belly and brown ale but i really enjoyed the drinks and conversation with the Birmingham English couple in Austin. that should be the norm lol

theft surely happened- but who is the thief? that probably doesn't matter. what matters is who is currently part of the solution and who the problem

 

[odyseus]

easter, i guess- 9am. ready to rise.

a scowl is the first line of attack. it takes energy- it takes force but the idea is to break through the line, and get space - freedom to feel, in my gut, in my body. i just learned aura means sea breeze in ancient Greek. nice. my scowl is like a trireme. i give it under friction but i also often give it before, when someone or a system comes at me with smiles, cause i know what's coming

why is there beeping outside my window on a sunday morning easter no less. the system has no shame. why are the worst warmongers beardless and short haired like good little boys- little politicians, assets

i scowl because i want my life to well up inside of me. i want life and spirit to come from within and move outward. other people expect the system to support and direct them and that's fine if the system does a good job but we know here the system uses consumes and fragments people - so one must use the well up method aka the trireme method of smashing. its exhausting but what's the alternative?

and well up things do. that's partly why I'm so irritable these days- frustrated but irritable is a better word. things have been broken and slow for a long time but now things have been welling up enough in my spirit that it puts me at loggerheads- with every noise- every small dick frustrated engine rev. i used to think not long ago this was the best neighborhood ive lived in, by older houses of some money. there is no silence here and if no silence no sanity and no smooth straight path out but a jagged path of constant adaptation. it is because of the prolonged deficit that other cultures and family systems would not have given me but this one did combined with the slow eye opening and welling up that my irritability is always on guard, loaded, close at hand but so is a genuine smile of affection. i just don't have enough wealth and surplus but I'm in process. i don't need much. i just need to complete a few transactions - selling and refi but this welling up versus taking in from the outside model explains a lot

women here i think are women like everywhere deep down and men like men but what i see yesterday night was common. there is a flipping. the women groups are all dominant as if they own the space and can impose frame and the male/female dating i see, that "goes well" the men do more (almost all of) the talking - 95% actually. i am just trying to read - have aura. I was not blocked in that because I was out in public I'm not angry at that. yesterday I was an ethnographer as well as a student of history vis a vis my readings And it's great when you can just observe. I observed other things to everyone shuffling around - microshuffling, plugging their systems in. I didn't even have to go online which is the best kind of night didn't have to take out that stupid machine anyway other women and men were studying serious stuff to them- probably deserve the interest of capital or some ideology. they're being dutiful. they're doing what they have to. it's a cramped space. The one thing I don't like is so many people walking by me all the time so you got to find a good position where everyone is in your view and you don't get disrupted but you can just observe

I wanted to say for a while something about conservative Minnesota women because I've dated a few. neither conservative nor left but in many ways they're better but in so many ways they're the same. I'll have to talk more about this. they're more open to a lot of things and more trusting and such but they're still identitarian, just in a different way There's still reactive They still want you to agree with them They can smile and laugh more but they still work in the category system and if you try to get them to think and engage in the space between they don't know how to map you but I dated a beautiful one named Erica - tall dark and handsome lol. I like tall women. there are others. I could tell you about two other Christian conservative women one from distant past 15 years ago from Northern Minnesota when We were both living overseas. We'll save that for later. The point is there are a few conservative and or Christian young women here and they are better genuinely in many ways- And there's a chance with them but they are still very Minnesotan in so many ways and I don't think I'm being nitpicky I think I'm being precise. do you go to Wisconsin or Chicago and not even that far away they're so much different internally. One of my closest best female friends is from Chicago and of course I'm generalizing but it's amazing how generally true things are but there are always exceptions - rare though they may be. be the exception. if you get offended instead think about being the exception.

But it's like Jesus said the kingdom is within and you don't see it and I think I know what he's talking about from a psychological perspective. some places are better than others for sure but you can experience certain things anywhere and the key is to have that welling up. you have to conserve it but the system tries to fragment it and take it away devouring you. it's not about not masturbating. it's about coherence and honor and not being out framed or injected into or broken from without but about finding your core center and Aura and allowing things to well up inside you can generate that aura but it takes too long and this society sucks. I would have so much elsewhere by now.

As I said earlier there's a depression epidemic I think that's increasing but people accept it as normal or they blame themselves which is part of the problem and they stay isolated. One of my tenants do I like has Greek heritage and I found out today how depressed and whatever she is because she's always cheerful around me and open but yesterday she got testy about something concerned about her cat and I realized yeah there's something going on they're just like with my sister just like with other people. I didn't cause this shit and I know the answer but people don't want to hear the answers. besides moving it's recognizing the system and its piece of shit nature it's consuming nature and doing the opposite of everything they say - in a nutshell. he who discovers the world discovers a corpse. who discovers a corpse the world is not worthy. There's a depression epidemic in the load is not going to fall on me as landlord- I'm not going to take it.

I started to see things as load and structural load bearing frames- statics as well as dynamics and load dumping and I think that a lot of global stuff that is systemic stuff dumps load on people and it tests the structures and there's a lot of bullshit macro stuff but at the end of the day that doesn't fucking matter I'm building what I'm building and I'm not receiving what I'm not receiving But that's how you can look at things systemically and understand them. The idea is to have strong frame in yourself and not be consumed. Capital always wants its return so it uses people -it doesn't care. it's amazing how people have been trained to value money how they have but I value more than ever now but because I see how it is a tool of freedom from this bullshit but I don't value it as a meaning of my worth etc. it's like epica sang years ago when I played that for a girl and she loved the line All we care about our bills are paid. That's a fucking lame cycle that's going nowhere. giulia sweet smart sexy giulia showed me epica and cooked me truffle pasta. love this girl. so smart. this other girl i played it for - I ran into the other girl the other day didn't talk to her she was talking to other people. i feel like she's been minneapolis-ized. she at first hated this place and we bonded over that. she hated it more than I did that 7 years ago because I didn't hate it then I still thought I was improving. I thought it was all right if a little standoffish. I wasted time I was stupid but anyway now I ran into her and she seems to have not left. she was Puerto Rican. she was alive and now she seems high-performing.

oh yeah that's what I was going to say above. I said women are women still and men are men still but they have this performative layer They feel like they have to do. that describes it pretty well I think. They feel deep down that they just have to be this performing and they've so identified with the performance it's hard to believe. dude you have permission to be a man woman you have permission to be a woman even in public but they don't think they have that permission. They don't think it's safe. well that's what I'm trying to crack not to be a savior for others but so I could have my own mojo so I cannot be beholden and corrupted and tainted so I can have my aura- and now I'm going to leave But at the moment I'm stuck here and until this own city buys my house that I have for sale someone from the city or from wherever then I'm even more stuck here so they're holding on to me so they don't let me go so that's how it's going to be- a standoff. I hate it in many ways but I'm getting stronger sharper bigger. it's such an epic fucking psychological conditioning fucking thing.

high level even if all I set up above was mumbo jumbo They do try to more than shape a person even as an adult who moves here they try to Make you in their own image which I find is over the line. I find it foul and I find so many women cross the line here. I found the tenant that I liked as well as this person that danced the other day both crossed the line. I'm not dating either of them so why do they act like I owe them what a man who's dating them owes them in terms of respect and compliance and all that. fuck those fucking evil mongers. it's this inversion and this classlessness and that's what I mean this place tries to mold units own image but what that really means is crush your spirit crush your instinct crush your inner nature so that's why I scowl but I realize this morning that part of it is the welling up. I don't have to face everything head on either I can outflank things but- Even though I'm youthful with vigor - I have useful vigor and younger women see that younger women are better than older women especially here because they haven't been corrupted as much but maybe another parts of the world like I know this French lady who's older and I knew this German lady who's older they're better so youth matters more here it seems like because people get corrupted over time here whereas in other places that doesn't happen as much I think that might be true. I always like beautiful women of any age who age gracefully but here they just get corrupted . But anyway where was I- oh yeah I've retained youthful vigor and I can smash into the system energy or I can try out flank it. it's not easy and I don't like it and it's costly and it's high friction and I have to force my way through to get where I want to go to where I need to go with things with business whatever I don't like all the force that's required it's exhausting and draining and wasteful and battles that should not have to be fought but I can do it. I'm capable of doing it. It just means I can't do as much as I hoped plans have to change. I wanted to do this horse training thing this summer with this man who has a place who is interviewed on one of the good podcasts modern wisdom I think with Chris Williamson I want to say But I don't know with all the shit that I have to deal with and force through plans have to change. I don't like doing it but I can I can flank people I'm learning this stuff I can break through finding ways and it does make me stronger but at what fucking cost? The chief of motion I'm feeling a lot of time is irritation-- And I'm not making excuses I'm trying to fucking leave this place with sovereignty but it's a process and I don't want to hurry the process because being in a hurry is off in a mistake. I want to draw things to me draw good things to me pull them to me attract them you know with a power and you can't do that when you're unbalanced. I want to be balanced in any system and then leave the bad ones and that's what I'm doing I'm under process it's just amazing what you discover what you uncover. I couldn't have done this much ethnography had I not been in this situation I am in. so much gets exposed to me of the inner workings of systems - of renting, of people of cultures-- But that's what a scowl is for - Even before the people turn on you. The way the system works here the way that people approach you the Lutheran mafia the Minnesota Mafia they come with smiles and then later they make their ask once your guard is down but I don't ever lower my guard until I know what they're about kind of it's instinctive I'm not thinking this but if I were to describe but it's like that. it's like a "cut the crap" energy. people don't feel at all bad rejecting my reasonable request for whatever They make a big fucking deal about little fucking shit - credit crunches- and I'm not talking about financial debt But basic fucking social trust. There's a social credit crunch and that makes things very hard cuz with just a little fucking credit I could do so much but even Jesus couldn't do miracles in his hometown. people seem I know what you're going to say they're doing what makes the most sense to them and they're walking the path under constraints but they seem petty and shortsighted and full of fear and anxiety uncapable of giving a little slack until you meet someone who's different but they are so fucking rare this world the people who are different I don't get it where are they where did they all go? They all fled. The other people are too busy protecting what little they got apparently. I remember being in Croatia I climbed this hill and I was talking to this young lady selling something at a stand tea or whatever And we were flirting. I asked when her shift was over and she giggled. she said she had a boyfriend but she fucking giggled and then she said do I want to buy anything and I said no cuz you have a boyfriend and she giggled. she thought it was genuinely funny. if this happened here they'd have a look of fucking horror on their face. I remember getting a massage once at a massage school where they give discount massages and the masseuse liked me a lot I could tell I could feel it. to me she was mid whatever but she liked me and she was talking to me afterward and this fucking third fucking middle-aged party- I wouldn't quit call her a Karen necessarily but a medalist she was middle-aged slightly chubby not that attractive but she's like you can't date your fucking clients whatever. first of all I think that don't date your client thing is bullshit because love is more important The whole ancient world ran on nepotism And all these rules have gone to excess first of all second of all Am I really her client and third of all mind your own fucking business Jesus fucking Christ and that didn't take anything away from me which is interesting because if she was like this hot woman that I wanted oh my god I would be fucking pissed off I would have you know asked for her number or something but how would I have processed that? The fact that I wasn't that into her but she was into me means that the women cock block other women too and they moralize shit. That's what I'm fucking pissed off about but that Croatian girl she giggled. That's what you're supposed to have to fucking happen Jesus Christ what gets up people's assholes they don't have love in their heart they don't have life all they have is a spirit of plausible deniability and fear of liability and fucking fear of deviation from some fucking norm- i fucking hate these fucking losers. this is not about my last per se but that massage therapist in training could have taken me out and shown me a lot of love and enjoyed giving me love in a way that made up for her lack of looks And it could have been great for both of us but some fucking person said you can't do that fuck you who the fuck you think you fucking are you fucking fuck face What the literal. That's why so much of what I've read which aligns with my instincts by the way in pick up because when I read pick up stuff years ago- A lot of it instantly aligned with my instincts like flirting and bantering and you know all that so obviously so it became an obvious thing even if it wasn't obvious before it became obvious after I read it to do it and it fucking worked and works in a lot of places but here it gets scowls back at me so they scowl back at me so I scowl back at them before they even start you know what I mean this is what I'm fucking talking about. and lest you think I'm complaining about a place that I can't leave I'm trying to fucking leave. this is what I'm fucking talking about decades of wasted time and a lot of fury righteous anger - fuck anyone who tries to contradict me or talk me out of how I'm feeling.

 

[odyseus]

force force- reading fluid dynamics-- how little I knew (was taught) about so many things but i learn, i see [eg dimensional analysis] that force is everywhere again

resentment is a force or a stored force, a spring force, banked.

you don't want to create resentment in others if you can help it if they are going to stick around. you don't want to poison the system. we all deserve a good life, love and respect. the system really blocks, hinders traps and cages people, seeks to harvest from them, seeks to convert their minds. scowls are powerful boundary setters within the system and also the self, self to self- a posture. there is loss, there is deprivation, there is using and withholding and just general mismatch, devastating mismatch, moral mismatch, the local urban family man pushing his baby- he doesn't share my values, thought i am so pro family. he has his story but he here i mean- not elsewhere but in this city in particular is likely to be an entitled arrogant small minded prig type of person walking and living a very constrained life and policing the system trying to put everyone else like me in it with glances etc and or at least slowing me down. this is mismatch more than anything, more than hate or control. i do not belong here. forces tie and bind and summon etc. i am just one person. imagine being from gaza or dresden or ukraine or wherever. i don't take sides- not at the end of the day not in an extreme way but forces bind. resentment is stored force i think, like a spring. if one plastically deforms, that kinda consumes the force maybe but if one doesn't, it becomes a spring force to harvest maybe

aura means sea breeze in greek

there is loss- serious life loss, serious rigging of games of high importance where sanity and relationships matter and moral approval- I'm looking for a fancy word like approbrium or sth that fits- the wrong system basically will really deprive you AND stigmatize or ostracize or otherwise alienate and blame you to boot AND all while you're playing a rigged game- at least for your type-- but i see other "adapted" men here, locals- writing themselves off, blaming themselves and women increasing in depression -- but unlike them they don't blame the context or see systems. it is more than just a mismatch for me. resentment is a force. force i saw has time as a cryptic dimension - kgm/s² but pressure is force over area. what do hydrostatics have to do with time? i guess its the rate which something would move given.. or if.. would. its latent. that's interesting philosophical subject matter as is the fact all fluid mechanics they're teaching are built on 4 dimensions - Length, Time, mass and temperature. that's astonishing. many things in life are astonishing. Jesus marvelled. he said as much. i am sure plato did too. one has to marvel at things-- or else is one even learning. also astonishing is some dimensions can take fractional (rational) powers. definitely i got farther in this book (and I'm still only in the first chapter) because i had paved the way with pure math - the key to many things

but there is if not theft, real loss. it takes force-- so much mental force to push through (certain) system at least without becoming comprised etc and keeping aura, keeping your sea breeze

 

[odyseus]

despite all the friction despite all the bullshit I couldn't feel as bad as I do if there wasn't an aspect of what feels like ritual humiliation. I feel good I do with my thinking study. I get to a good state and then something comes back at me. it's two things in addition to everything else

A kind of ritual humiliation just to date someone. The way woman want you to chase them and court them just for a very little attention here not everywhere but here. anywhere else I would have got this woman from 2 years ago that I just thought of Elsa out on a date she was clearly into me but here I knew if I asked her straight after a lot of flirtation, A lot of connection I knew it would have been shut down or she would have pulled back just based on experience. I don't know what to do with someone like that she smiles coyly But they don't say yes they don't make it easy here but elsewhere they do so it's fucked up it's ritual humiliation after so much other loss It doesn't make sense it's not what I want

The other thing is just the burn- so much time wasted so these are things that make me feel like shit even when naturally I want to feel good. you might say that everything else is just an insult on top of these things maybe

As I was driving somewhere earlier today I came across a YouTube video that speaks my language. The Romans would not look favorably on our hustle culture. I guess people use hustling as a badge of honor and success oh look at how much I grind. fuck that that's not living and he quoted seneca's on the short life which I've never read. I have so many books but not that one so I decided let's buy that so I bought a Latin English translation that'll come in a few days But I agree there's too much fucking hustle culture and we waste time and we don't enjoy this life but even when I try very hard to enjoy this life here I can't because people around me don't enjoy this life people ration things, people conditionalize, They make you dance to the system or else being outsider or feel alone. As I was walking to my car before the drive where I heard that very video I saw this woman ahead of me about 30 ft so we had a long way to see each other and it was a public street but quiet a few streets off from the main one The place where people would be the place where it's upscale she should feel safe in the North loop but you know what they don't fucking make any eye contact or any fucking acknowledgment. that too I process that as kind of humiliation in some ways or at least something that enragees me not always a lot but a little over time when it's a constant drip fucking drip fucking drip. it's like I'm a man with fucking great vitality and great fucking depth and great fucking everything and I get absolutely fucking nothing here and I'm trying to cut this fucking anchor off my leg this fucking property but I don't want to sell it and desperation or haste I don't want to do anything like that I just have to be patient but this fucking place gets my fucking curse this fucking place is fucking evil They don't know how to live they don't know fucking anything they invert fucking everything - I want to swallow this fucking lion: Gospel of Thomas saying 7. there are two ways to look at many things obviously like light - Is it a wave or a particle. you could look at this two ways Is it out to capture me and people like me and colonize us or is it just people suited to the system and I'm a mismatch? It could be both I don't know but does it even fucking matter? What the fuck does it matter this isn't a place where you could have a good life. compare that to Giulia from Roma with a house in the country - she was so smart so sweet she let me love her but way more than that she was sweet smart and sexy all three she was goddamn it as bad as these people are and dead inside she was alive and there's a lot of other people like that too but here they're just fucking funnels trying to suck every bit of life confidence and everything out of you and subject you to ritual humiliation just to get some fucking minute of their fucking time. they're fake too

They signal interest or really they have interest but then they make you work for it but I don't play that. it's like I was thinking this earlier like they're trying to lure you out But I'm trying to lure them out because I'm already out I'm halfway they're trying to get me all the way out without coming out even a little bit That's like fuck no I'm not defended there show some skin in the game You're not special you're not fucking special. That's the irritation - they think they're special and all that the lack of humility is irritating. The less they think they're special the more I want to see them as special like Giulia or others. The more they see themselves as special and have to stay inside and draw me out where I'm unsafe where they can ritually humiliate me--

so anyway basically I go about my day my work life and the two things that are shitty are

1) The burn. nothing is happening it's just going around and fucking circles and I'm just getting fucking older and this is fucking exhausting and stupid and pointless and mean (in the statistical low sense) and banal and idiotic and

2) The fucking memories of ritual humiliation they won't meet you anywhere how are you supposed to fucking love them and fuck them and give them fucking love and everything God damn it

then like I said earlier because I think it's like an economy I don't know who's running it but it's an economy I saw a father pushing a stroller earlier in the city. There's nothing wrong with that that's great but he was talking to someone and I just knew he would be a prig. I just know the type- But I can't help but thinking maybe anyone would if they had to pay such a high price if they were molded from childhood and just to get a woman's attention they had to jump through all these fucking hoops or whatever it's like but no fuck this fucking shit. I get treated nicely when I travel elsewhere. people are down to earth it's shitty here but I'm stuck here I got anchored I got stuck. I'm willing to leave but I have bonds that I'm working through but it's just fucking torture. I'm an ethnographer here now But not one that's totally free. I'm an ethnographer from captivity and it's making me harder and sterner and I scowl more because of the evil in this fucking place as I see it. you could see it a different way but I see it as fucking evil. The original Germanic word for evil didn't mean the opposite of like some cosmic dualistic good Zoroastrianism It just meant bad horrible terrible. I don't know why people always react to words so much. it's always better to scowl when in doubt when in this place at least punch people back with your aura especially when they're being nice because they're not really being nice. they're trying to sucker punch you. It is always safe to see things that way in this place And also they will always make way for someone who is stern and strong. They don't have the werewithal to handle anybody if you don't cross the line against the system. you can pretty much have your way I think. They expect you to self police but they'll trust you when you grow big I guess as long as you stay within the lines. this place is fucked

yeah so this is just a fucking episode of grief that promoted this. dude you fucking feel this way if you were me with my story. this is fucking biblical not that I believe in the Bible but it's like the one who did everything for something and gets nothing so the place is ready for condemnation or whatever but yeah everything else is just an insult on top of it all the horns and sirens that's bad enough but cuz that's everywhere but that's what pulls me in my mind into a shitty state of mind and there's no solution how big can you be here to solve this place? I don't think you can be big enough you only have to escape it and then judge it and try and live well elsewhere France Switzerland wherever the fuck is good I don't know where is good wherevers fair. Henderson says go where you treated best but that's not required just go where you're treated fairly or where you have a reasonable shot of winning. Go where the system isn't absolutely fucking rigged or dead. it's both high friction which other places can be too- maybe Manhattan is high friction but it's also low polarity here flat here empty here so it's both high friction and emptiness hard work for nothing imagine something which is not hard work for much or at least one of the two. a place that doesn't have much to offer but at least peace and quiet that would be something else this place is the fucking dump that's why everyone's getting fucking depressed but they don't fucking see it They don't fucking connect the dots. A lot of people aren't getting depressed but a lot of people are. this place its as if it tries to colonize the mind of non-conformists and I don't mind conforming to systems that are good but the system is tilted and flat so therefore the system tries to colonize the mind whereas I just try to extract rent and get the fuck out of here But Elsa was very fucking attractive and I know she liked me and it hurts me to not be able to fuck her take her out and love her and fuck her whatever. they're full of excuses they're full of moral defenses and shit like that fuck that shit spare me that bullshit. this is cultural and sanctioned neurosis and inversion and flatness and excess. I never fucking signed up for this. I moved here for economic opportunity and whatever but I never signed up for this bullshit ever once There's so much I didn't sign up for my fucking circumcision I didn't sign up for any of this bullshit nonsense. it's time to start establishing order it's time to start well I've already started. The Titan war of Zeus took a long time I guess maybe 10 years right? it's kind of that war that I'm fighting of restoration for love sex and sanity so anyway I don't want to have to go through this cycle again of grief where things just pop up. how do I solve this? God damn it they control the choke points like the strait of Hormuz. I don't even want to fuck them not like that. I want to connect with real people But I want there to be real people that I can connect to not fake ass bitches and plastic smile idiots - the men too many of them prigs claiming the moral high ground

nothing triggered this post except sitting in the car after the coffee shop on a Sunday evening and a memory surfaced. I'm trying to slash through all this bullshit because I'm treated well elsewhere and it's wasting my fucking life but nothing triggered this it just fucking happened cuz I'm tired of living in this fucking lie in this prison of zeroness this prison of Antarctica is what it feels like. it's like being dropped off on a desert island or worse. when I go elsewhere I have conversations with people. What can I say when I go elsewhere women say yes to things What the fuck am I supposed to say? I have a job I can work remote but I am tied by an obligation. Go where you're treated fair, where people are actually alive

Y'all probably think I'm exaggerating and overreacting

 

[odyseus]

forces--

it is shit here and the geography captures and doesn't give back. its hard to break a ship through to just honest reciprocity for starters when i don't even know why it's in the person's interest to not reciprocate or be cold. it's not like its zero sum -- but that's not what i want to focus on here. instead i want to explore various maybe hidden forces on the mind and state of the hero/adventurer and especially where a person is likely to be met with strong invisible forces that he is not aware of the depth of and blames himself and a part of him caves. I'm talking about seeing-- first and foremost which leads to girding- right girding. soldiers in the past had trains of supply and had all sorts of personal effects, and rituals. the more i study on the ground war at high resolution, the more i see this. I'm a believer in being prepared- and so i want to be prepared, equipped, with the whole armor required and afforded by reality- the panoply, πανοπλία.

noise is a force, and one is vulnerable crossing straights (doing heavy mental work).

incidentally i woke up a few hrs ago this monday like lately with heavy sensation in my lower gut. it is carrying much. i wish to not buckly but bear it all, sell off what needs selling off, and being free. the system forces one to carry-- or to compromise,-- this system, not all

i got deflected by noise above so it changed my output as it changed my mental state. that's a force. some forces are hard to absorb and dissipate but there are all kinds of acting forces. i wish and will to not bow, or dissipate. more gut, more stern face. more seeing what is hidden. i think rightly or wrongly populations have resentments- sicknesses, ill reward functions - women loving seeing men fall and break down- not all but not a few and their looks and energy will be weaponized. besides that you have the corporations, the markets that colonize. there are so many constraints and forces in the world that make emergence hard. one has to hold the self together - one almost only has to keep coherence and continuity of thought

do not lie and do not do what you hate

make the left like the right.

rest and move. do not let self be exhausted but it can help to take an inventory of forces and force multipliers.

it is tough but i am literally explaining decades of struggle and metabolizing it and self blame. i did the kitosaki real estate game. that was a force of information delivered at a critical time decades before i started combined with the force internally that derives from a deficit of occupational confidence from years ago. i started adulthood and got well into it with high raw intelligence that i didn't even know i had, wasted on shitty college and no support or path but worse even, no trade experience or even job experience that would have given me a grounding and basic confidence and platform. it is as if my parents wanted to sabotague me or us. i don't quite believe that but they were both stupid and stupidly programmed. even my cousins had a much different system. this is stuff i carried but here it explains my desire to fulfull things- buying real estate, learning management and responsibility. i enjoy it anc still do - i like real estate. not my shitty property and the load it brings against other things but its still meant to be a means to an end. its not a calling. i don't believe in calling anymore but i believe society enforces or promotes a calling culture- see Max Weber. people are encouraged to psychologically identify with their jobs, chains etc even saying they have a passion [suffering lol] or a calling [hearing voices]- so i am interested in the social forces around that.

for example i sat across from this petite cute different girl yesterday. i thought she might be different, on the spectrum. after a few hrs I opened a conversation. shes a law school student 2nd year going into env law. great that's good and she was friendly- not warm, grounded and open but friendly and that's another problem -- most people seem pre married to things- to systems, ideologies, professions. they are pre spoken for here. some of the best women here , the few, the best energy were women with openness and availability, capacity -- not on a track let alone married to it let alone surrounded by a system and group tuning their minds and a clique. i don't care politics. this is worse than crazy leftists or right wingers who can change-- someone centrist but already married to a system-- as a calling whatever not to mention the debt burden (as well as the sunk cost emotional investment). its too much force or weight to overcome, to hoist. it is a consuming beast of raw potential and humanity and i have not talked about this enough. i forget it, because it is subterranean. compare this to women who are open to a girlfriend wife role like in church-- but I have to be the man that is strong. i also have to carry the church dogma without falling into it or being controversial or creepy in a heresy way. jesus own words - no OT dogma or pauline abstraction or self flagellation though he has some great things to say about old covenants and the law. use what you find. be grounded and centered - upper like lower, every deck rowing in sync. still carrying the gut feeling, the load. what is going to make me discontinuous first and yank me? there are so many forces to consider -- and also debt. why do politicians of the west act so shitty? we have to consider debt as a tool and hidden force source that makes people act terrible and different. david Graeber writes about this.

now my tailbone is trying to awaken, still holding the gut

there are so many forces- blockading forces, directing forces, demoralizing forces. most societies gave the genders support, or at least were reasonably fair or allowed for possibilities. mn seems voluntarily frozen- like its only a matter of policy but thats just it - what's upstream of policy? that is the question. What is a person or systems policy, how rigorous is their policy or set in stone and then what the hell's upstream of it when it doesn't make a lot of sense? I do not understand these things but I guess that's where forces come into play- deep old historic forces

a lot of times when we make a mistake for example what I found out this morning that Truman regretted a lot of mistakes we make may not have been real mistakes as such maybe we could have done better but they were forces pushing things through that were invisible that would have maybe come out one way or another and so we blame ourselves more. We didn't have eyes to see and we never could have had those eyes to see and we were one man against a system. many things are emerging at the same time in this world. hey that's why people settle that's why people just trust a system trust a given political party or given career and they just stay in their lane even if it's costly even if it limits them in so many ways They don't have sovereignty and they don't care they don't want it they don't expect it and I never needed that person I just needed honest reciprocation a decent reward from life but this place withheld it otherwise maybe I would have been bought off.

economic forces are huge. I know how powerful a good community is a good brotherhood and community and it hurts me that we don't have that because it would give so much to so many people. Dionysus twice born had the force of a God but in his human guise he met up against the resistance of the king in the system The moralizing people the osteo people of Thebes. That's the whole point.

it feels now there's too much to unpack there's too much to have to navigate through. I don't know the way. I can only take it minute by minute. I don't want to get up and work because I don't know where it leads. It feels like I'm going in circles or a dead end but I have to keep going I guess- keep seeing. I do blame myself when I experience the same thing over and over again when it feels like I go in loops but how am I supposed to get out of these loops? it's not easy to get out a loops and that's a real problem but so maybe that's what I have to think about.

A lot of force on top of other force is moralizing force. fuck people's moralizing. I prefer raw naked force. I prefer a king telling me what I can and can't do versus bullshit moralizer who's blocking my path And then trying to make himself all righteous although I know kings in the past Persian Kings nothing against Persia but for example I'm reading their book they made things moral and religious so I know they're not mutually exclusive but I'd rather have direct control over me then an equivalent amount of indirect control that's just as powerful on top of which is moralizing and denial of force. I'd rather consume this whole frame completely with my frame with my internal framing with my internal state with my internal condition that's strong in the gut and strong in the tailbone and strong in the neck bone. there are so many forces in the world it's almost like Lagrange We just do whatever's the easiest path or the sum result of all forces

 

[odyseus]

hard rap came cause city spaces were dense. now iran makes lego vids to troll

freedom is a vector sending one into orbit, or is it? i am playing systems games- rental systems, financial systems, dependencies but low level but maybe I'll graduate or emerge to higher level, maybe not but i want to play well and drown too my fatigue. drown that fatiguexhaustion but be real- no hype, take it slow to do it right- tortoises go the dist

i have a kind of grief that may be a blocker. i could make that grief its own post. the grief of sex not had but seen, pretty faces not kissed. its not neediness and its not my place to be a pervert but its a form of grief, that may be a blocker.

one needs to find a girl/girls that match. this is the opposite place for matching for me, hence the isolation and struggle but i can still process and work through things. this is a place that sucks for getting some and getting momentum and steam but it is a great place for perfecting oneself, refinement. maybe that's a cope but i think it can be true at some level. one must optimize in a shitty situation. in a non shitty situation, optimization is not required and can even be a negative - the curse of over optimization but in a shitty situation thats where it really makes sense

grief of lost Eros but my perception is not clean i suppose. I'm tainted and needy so will work on that. even if I wasn't it would hard to get my due here to be clear but i would still be more perfect, before I'm able to leave/launch. this grief processing is to be done and there may be a lot. eyes- the eyes have it. everyone fears a man or one who sees- and sees without being a nuisance but just low key nonblind, running on his own time. unmetabolized. that is hard- I'm not there. I'm beholden. that describes me- beholden. beholdenheit. frames govern.. gradients.. move wills.. cause regrets.. cause closure. I'm talking about having been burned multiple times and starved and still your dick feels alive, your cock is a compass and magnet- not hard, not too soon but pre-hard.

wonder what grief does to being and attracting, unmetabolized. grief can turn to (bad) longing which can maybe turn to good longing. i don't know. just ideas. if i see something, i want it too- eventually, as my share, my deserved share. one doesn't always get what one deserves but that doesn't mean one doesn't deserve it. its complex-- but i genuinely believe the biggest factor is where- the environment question. its the environment stupid. you wanna date french freaks your odds go up in france. no brainer but overlooked. let me overlook less daily, on the table of capacity. guarantees are not for the world of men-

 

[odyseus]

been posting much. I'm gonna post some ideas to save them in my memory.

this place is soft on the outside but it is hard on the inside. it enforces things. it is not to be scoffed at. I intend to use the term "enforced x" more to describe cultural norms and desired traits and expectations. there is enforced irony- ironic smiles etc. it forces one perhaps - who doesn't want to comply and fake it to be like alan rickman- unamused-- but the enforcement - mass enforcement is no joke.

there are force fields in life. i used to think that was a kiddie term but a field is just a vector function, or perhaps scalar, that maps a vector like a force vector to a point on a plane or 3d space or spacetime to a vector (the wind arrows eg in meteorology). ex F(x,y,z,t). its so easy to see now. the Salamis straights area was on that sept day in 480 a field of moving forces, continuous obviously

men here are all head into computer - computerland, checked out and not ashamed. women are more outwardly aware by far and group social but they are still cliquish - phalanx like.

enforced stoicism but not like epictetus. more like austerity and grindset. this is socially enforced if by no other means than blocking alternatives. yes it is sick.

i was thinking I'm struggling and getting irritable because I'm growing bigger than the cage and hitting it, which is a good sign. the best way to break out of the cage might be to outgrow it, but how does one become social (in a deadzone)?

there is so much that is enforced here- in a blanket category system group or rather class coherence thing. if a person doesn't fit he's fucked because it works in a way that's maddening, to one with spirit or who knows things of life. it demeand. it gets deep in ones skin

also i noticed- people here genuinely interested in a thing, a rental or purchase or date or whatever - genuinely -- they move SLOW - on their time thank you very much. business, slow. love slow. this is maddening too.

that's it for the ethnography now. maybe it makes sense why men turn into their computers. it is why i feel i have to force so much - with my brow. i understand leaders of history more- many things have to be forced and enforced. no enforced irony for me

 

[odyseus]

not cultural or sociological now but individual, hearkening to an earlier time- a time when this man as a young man was trying to map the world, to build models implicitly of reality and the world was feeding him data- but it was shit local data, inside a constraining architecture and a love and openness poor environment

now i had a little morning work fatigue but good rental cash flow and now I'm in a noon bath- the water relaxes one.

as i was typing this the doorbell rang. it could have been amazon or it could have been someone else. if Amazon or someone else, like solicitors, it could have been for me, another unit or whoever. this is another tax from living in multifamilies and in cities. its actually pretty quiet but this perturbed me. it produced a discontinuity of the thought i was thinking and trying to get out.

now i got a phone call- because my notifications were on. a perturbation while recovering from an earlier, and then in muting notifications i saw other notifications. i defined things earlier- more serious things, like gas boiler issues etc happening together, at least 2+ things as a storm. i call them storms now even if they are unrelated

as i was typing this i got another call, from my mortgage company on my main house- even though my notifications were muted. maybe its a bluetooth headphones exception. anyway i let it ring a few times and the answered. silence and a hang up exactly like a few days ago. they are my mortgage company and i am current. i blocked them. i am confused

its worth zooming out. i share all this because its like mcluhan says, the medium is the message. are humans today interruptible or not? how does this change the society we live in, the psyche, the mental wellness, the level of fatigue, even suicidality or rage? is our attention cheap- and not just attention but attention on demand- that is reachability? i have books on this subject- the attention economy, what the internet is doing to us, attention merchants, anxious generation etc.

i was trying to complete a thought on sexuality and my vector my emergent heat seeking smart inner wisdom process got hijacked-- for nothing- for no gain or very marginal gain of another. i am thinking in this warm water how this affects emergence- and transformation - of a person.

anyway--

anyway yeah its because I'm growing up to the walls of the cage that i think i notice and feel this. solutions for me are higher order. they take money- because money is how people become captured and induced.

anyway i was going to say- and I'll probably repeat in a separate post--

to get a girl - and i was inspired in this watching a YouTube short of Viva La Dirt League - the girl has to feel ok or down for something, independent of who you are or what you might say and do. it is her configuration. In the aggregate you might say it's culture living in her but you feel it as her.

where was I going with this? oh the individuals I don't remember my vector was killed but I think I had an unconscious purpose but I just think that you see it at the individual level where people hesitate- women to date, kiss, sex and you remember when you're at the moment of decision with her trying to see what she decides maybe she's playing you trolling you maybe she's testing you or maybe she's legitimately unsure

whereas in other cultures they'd just be down because things are not a big deal

I just want access like any man I want power but I want to understand the game and I want to understand ways in which the game or systems may be rigged. this is a huge part of the game is understanding how systems work how moralities work out cultural moralities work how individual moralities work because we don't have to talk about culture we can talk about individualities but they are so correlated with culture. at some point you recognize patterns but we don't have to recognize patterns we could see that as an individual thing but then you end up globalizing generalizing all women are like this it's immoral to XYZ because women react as a way that suggests it's immoral or whatever which is fucking wrong which is fucking the main problem of growing up I guess or pedagogy is that we generalize/ universalize/globalize/absolutize/totalize based on enough experiences with individual people based on one single culture not on every culture not on even the majority of cultures. Or meta cultures like Western Civilization or the Anglo-Sphere But even ignoring culture it's annoying at the individual level when they don't go the way you want it repeatedly and you're like be free. I want not just to break free like Freddie Mercury But for others to break free. like offspring said I want you bad. that was a play on words I think. yeah so that's what's going on a little bit and I want people to cross the line I want to get over the line with things

this is all about getting over the line not just with sex but anything a finance agreement anything a sale so often there's fucking around on one side of the line pretending like you're going to cross the line but so little line crossing happens and even besides that people fucking move slow here. whether they close or not whether they have genuine interest or not and this is not about me being frustrated that I haven't made a sale cuz it hasn't been listed that long but I know how things are so fucking slow and they don't need to be this is about how delayed things can be that don't need to be delayed. it's sadistic I think and I'm not a masochist so it's something that's enforced on me against my will and you know how that makes me feel. that means I need to double down my will I need to get deeper richer stronger bigger broader wiser etc. That's what makes me the way I am That's what always has made me the way I am when I didn't get my just due and it's not unreasonable what I deserve. The whole system is in deficit to me I have put in more than I've gotten out and it has found a way to deceive me deceive me through the lives of stoicism and grinding and etc etc but I have not twisted I have not been deformed I've just been frustrated. My spring is coiled. I don't know what's going to happen probably nothing maybe nothing but I'm ethnographying. I am mapping them I am discovering the psyche.

anyway the point is it's so fucking hard to get people over the line which is why you need surplus - surplus money surplus women. it's not at least not just about scarcity it is but it isn't. it's also about scarcity and a culture that punishes scarcity so much but I don't think Dan bilzerian would do that well here. oh he do all right I'm sure But if he was up and coming it would have been a different game than somewhere else I think. maybe not but I don't know anyway I'm trying to just make the upper like the lower the left like the right no games inside of me no guile or no lies anyway no irony substituting for reality. Open eyes that's what I want open eyes that's what I need and the slow mind a relaxed mind a relaxed body at peace but open eyes all the time. it's so fucking hard to drag people over the line and I'm not talking about sex or dating now because it has to be consensual. I'm talking about people you're in partnership with. I guess - I don't like being yoked to this system and that's how I feel. this is unequal yoking I'm yoked with Jokers. That's exactly the perfect metaphor I'm yoked with different people who are not like me but I am one of the city's landlords. oh small compared to others but at least i am suzerain in some regards. let me be clear maybe it's not worth judging over differences slow versus fast safety versus greater opportunity polarity versus neutrality I don't know maybe it's not but for the record I feel so superior to this place and nothing to do with politics or wealth or worth but spirit But on the girlfriend there high quality girls that just have so much inside their heads that they have to work through and that's what I originally want to talk to because I'm a friend of the female I always was but I need to have a way to connect. it's the block connection that irritates me not the outcome per se- whether we hook up or not but The dropping of connection I guess for no good reason or stuff in the head. I love women and it's because I've always loved women that it's frustrating and hard and nobody will injure you like the people you love the most so yeah that's my life That's my life I'm like Atlas and I want to shrug. no I don't want to shrug I want to throw this place down smash it to the ground and peace out. I'm too big to fit in their small fucking frames I'm too fast to have to stand behind slow-moving or slow driving €•π¥÷. I'm too open-minded and broad-minded to be judged or written off by some narrow-minded cliquish one But this is what happens everyday and it tenderizes me not towards life but to those who do show me affection and respect like this one younger cute short woman at the Renaissance fair last year who was playful with me role playing some fantasy at her booth feared. It makes the exceptions stand out But even then usually I don't see paths. I only see closed paths or winding paths for any kind of deeper connection not the least because I'm loaded with a bunch of shit but also because she is. I didn't ask to live in a fucking corpse or a cage. I didn't consent to this I don't think this cage that we're living in. I refuse it as much as possible I resist it as much as practical and I do not consent and I do not waive but always reserve all my rights without prejudice. The spirit I said a long time ago has to find a way through the cracks but I didn't know the cracks were so micro sometimes. I thought they were tiny but they are sometimes microscopic

 

[odyseus]

oh man i simply want to protect the things and people i love

energetically

people didn't or couldn't help me -- fine but then they moralize my failings when all i wanted was to be strong and love and protect that which i loved but the family, the society, the systems had a different gameplan- a different agenda

I've made mistakes but i don't need to beat myself up over them -- AT LEAST WITHOUT SEEING CONTEXT

context tells a bigger story.

I'm talking about many systems above and many things.

i HATE the gender war and always did - the battle of the sexes when it was genuinely mean spirited, even when i was pre puberty. i remember having that though at a movie theater on the way to the room past the ticket taker. why this hostility, but i see now men here have their heads down but women are loud and loud with their body language, like auditors but they're nothing. i only say this complaining because i was in a workspace working my day job and one crosses by me and does this whole confidence flex. leave me be - getting in my physical space which challenges my work continuity and healthy pride but anyway

oh yeah as crappy as a place can be it can have dignity and honor. not the lady above but the place in general does a few true fouls-- it doesn't mind its own business on different things that aren't its business. thats a foul but it thinks it has the right

I'm talking very abstractly here and that's weak. i had several definite points come up that i wanted to enumerate but i kind of forgot them to my subconscious.

that's fine but i always wanted to protect things i love. I'm thinking of a German woman right now but it could be anything but right these days trump is threatening devastation on a nation that minded its own business - by and large. you could say it supported proxy groups but its complicated - we did more but his tweet is intense and vile- on easter. he's pathetic

the world is a toxic abuser and they exist with paternalistic nice guy smiles too and over stepping women and dependencies that fail or are no show. slash them all

that's a part of the godfather i think about more now- not that i loved that movie that much but he was the weakest or most loaded like athens taken and burned before it took its vengeance and punished those who betrayed it etc or were no show or thought they could overload.

or try to ding and entrap a guy with 2% financial penalty on closeout when i had a line for 2 years all timely payments and they're giving me only a 12 mo extension, moralizing over its full balance and they basically stole my runway saying I was auto approved for more AND were slow on moving forward. i should have looked elsewhere earlier but i gave them 2 months time! they got me waiting on them but its not like I wanted to refi my primaries at 4% for 7%s. i wanted a renewal of HELOC but now I'm thinking rook sacrifice higher rate long term debt but first get 12 mo renewal but now they say 2% penalty for early close. fuck them. fuck their problem, everyone wants a little dip, wet their beak but just here in formal nice guy doing you a favor form. accuse me of (try to soften me but i won't) not using it as intended. bro they were just looking for an excuse and can't state it plainly. the purpose as written was investing. i did investing, but i kept the balance too high they're saying

anyway this is phone stuff. I'll meet them and clarify. I'm just saying don't they try cheat you

 

[odyseus]

eureka i had some thoughts

fatigued as usual used by a thousand parties

in the public space coffee shop they treat you like invisible- thats the thing, intentional non recognition and then they get uppity if you violate some dumbass micro norm. they want deference - men and women

that's it but they give nothing for it but here's the insights

most women most places want safety, want to feel safe, secure and then we can talk about other stuff - the other stuff naturally arises

here no


they are safer
they are very safe

THEY WANT CONTROL AND/OR DOMINANCE

I GOTTA TEASE YES like i did with elda months ago anc it works - teasing works but I'm fatigued by life and teasing - hard teasing i mean is rare - nobody does it , nobody but it has to be sustained. there's no momentum

I'm conflating a few things, a girl at the register who ignored me - i mean un persons you and a table of boomers who didn't like how I walked and now a girl sitting next to me- i saw her scrolling so I said "scrolling"

she tried to be serious and she didn't say anything but i saw her react. then her friend came

the books say they need to feel safe

LIES! At least in some cases

here they want control and dominance or something - may be that's how they feel safe in society or not because of norm enforcement

they want tribute

they don't want safety
they don't seem at all to want love
they want career and what not or shit not that they have good ones

they don't want safety or equality
the guys don't either- some do and they suffer and blame themselves - heard that a few times. other guys, my father's type but not my uncles or grandfather at all, and more than a few tenants - they like it

i try to signal that's not what I'm about but they disrespect my signal so thats a source of exhaustion

fml here

LIES
Aura - I'm trying to get auta and go the distance

i love Medusa btw
she was misunderstood, a devoted priestess
the opposite of this they sit down all modestly, sirens all and they get all uppity- power grabbing for nothing - didn't do anything to earn it

don't trust anyone here
the more i see the less i trust but i want to see clearly so i know who is trust worthy so i don't lose there

that's about it

forebrain
they try to shut down the forebrain
THEY TRY TO MAKE SOCIAL REALITY, DATING ETC EVEN COMMUNICATION UNINTELLIGIBLE

They try to mess with reason
reminder i did great in Austin
I'm not a mark Zuckerberg nerd even though I'm as smart as him
I'm social. its not that and it never was
they try to de-intelligiblize things and then a one has to a) blame oneself b) conclude this is reality and that's all there is

this is sick

THEY TREAT PASSING EYE CONTACT OR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT LIKE THE PLAGUE, LIKE GOLD TO EARN. THIS IS LIKE WHITE SHARIA that people are so afraid of. it's that same lockdown shit without the veils. I'm not afraid of shariah. i love muslims. its not a threat. I'm saying people are afraid of it but this Swedenville is a hidden version of what they are afraid of, that doesn't require veil. or maybe its not its an idea that just popped up because it also declares them to be a higher caste - women AND declares that castes dont exist BUT docile men who are happy to be subservient do come out the winners here. the women they date are loyal cause everyone is, in a kind of sick or enforced way, And if the women are crushing it, they can be happy too but many are overloaded like i am- and you'd think we'd connect but nah it doesn't occur

my body my frame. like my body my choice i cringe when i want to cringe. i bow when i want to bow, when it is right. the world has to build entire great systems and philosophies to induce and coerce when they could have just fucking asked, or smiled

 

[odyseus]

im just documenting shit. sometimes i come here for that. aligned with the idea that in networkness matters here, letters of reference to date, i recall i dated a girl by introduction. she was great i liked her, 4 years ago now. time fries. Catherine N, tall and friendly but after two dates it fizzled. she took me to her apartment after the second but nothing happened. I'm so confused with local mn girls. they seem neurotic or confused but i just haven't figured them out. she was too old to commit to so I'm not that bummed in that regard. its an awkward miserable fucking condition - beautiful, i care for these types and am attracted and they talk as if they have all the time and i would give them my love but i have paid such a price to not be beholden (that word again) and kept when i deserve a woman of yourh to have a family. enforced monogamy should not work by forcing a man who has been pure and good of heart - not a nice guy but Herculean who has never been supported who fought through shit to have to committ and give ig all to a 35 year old or whatever but it doesn't matter she rejected me but that's not the point


i was reflecting how letter of reference, from friends church adjacent i met climbing and climbed in doors with weekly for better part of a year or two - that is expensive but i kinda enjoyed it at the time but that's expensive. but that reference opened Catherine and then losing interest via whatever they close forever. it weird man. they don't run on chemistry or what chat called heat years ago. i try run multi level multi layer-- Except importantly not social norm/compliance although not outright rejection - but i include operating on heat and trying to create healthy attachment

i am not that verbal as i an in writing - unless something passionate comes up anv i get going. i want them to talk. i want reciprocity and connection physical heat and psychological attachment healthy

but they are locked but for some third party reference but this type of intelligent woman is rare anyways already. there are too many fucking constraints

but I'm at a st paul hangout where students go now this wed night. i didn't come here cause winter. a new season is upon us and that brings new thoughts and memories

getting someone to open-- and to not close-- its hard here- its training at altitude to be centered and true to the self before one exits bc adapting to crazy or to rationing power tripping or conditionalizing is dangerous. many get sucked in that funnel and how not

I've always been growing but one thing changed giving clarity - confidence in my judgment against place and the norms and ways of place and austin accelerated this. it hurts the brain to experience such what feels deeply manipulative conditionality at the deepest levels of being and expression. i remember wwf street girl who I didn't date but tried but she was busy - we had like a romance. she was loving me, impressed by me i don't know why, her friends were on that too. i am the same me but results vary. that and the 3 dates and a mini date and a another conversation wihh a French hotty and a great conversation in a pub with a Birmingham couple and and and. no fucking toxic conditionalizing and i hear America is more age gap judging too anc so probably mn at the extreme. its like cAn anything good emerge here? but i wanted to note this date several years ago. a friend linked us so it started strong. fuck. why it have to be ljke that- that's too expensive - a walk around the lake and then a nice restaurant

not networking. being in a network or vouched for. next level. who has time for you? insiders outsiders. now I'm generalizing. im no mason. i am an outsider to all but I'm brilliant and stern and punishing where i can be and loving but muh network. muh network. i would create a tribe. i threw a few parties whrn i lived in s single fam House with a yard. omg in Austin i could do the same. it was wonderful doing that. my grandpa did. that's how you become rich in friends not poor like me. 4plexs such to live in i see now. i didn't understand the cost but trying to lift off my finances. tradeoffs. spine. it all lands on and loads my upper next spine. does the world consume me or do i digest and consume the world/system - that nothing is guaranteed notwithstanding

why not share every last detail- i was overwhelmed in rhe hardware store a few hrs ago trying to find the right gas hose adapter. the parts in the kit weren't labelled for size (i have installed this 5x but the adapter bit is a pain). there are 3 different meanings to size OD As well as 15/16 16 as well as the whatever and I'm not even talking about pipe vs flare fitting. that's easy i got that and many bins were mislabeled. i stared at stuff abd went in circles for 90 minutes trying things out with old and new hose making sense but twi things wanted to say - such misleading names or measures cause 1/2 inch and 15/16 and 5/8 all fit perfectly. wtf. the 15/16 is just threading specs not diameter size. 1/2 od is hose size i think but it gets listed on metal piece. crazy. drives one crazy. i was feeling loaded in my gut going mad always running errands being a slave cause i wanna do right by some tenants and this could have been avoided. I'm enervated

so I'm here now in a warm tea place listening to healing game by van- the best but its hard to make sense of the world, constantly attend to minutiae, find time fot the self and make real and erotic connections in mn before you die old alone. evil world - the lack of communal warmth is the worst because i expect problems. was born poor without realizing it. evil parents portraying themselves as good. not humble. fake humble fake pious, conditionalizingly coercive- can't let a man emerge and support their emergence. forget me- take my brother or sister. havr to try instill piety and smallness in them. no grandkids. don't train us for work or conquest. have but hoard wealth, tell us we're privileged. didn't realize i was poor in support. inversion the children are used for parental validation and morals are weaponized as is wealth and position.

so the road to true riches of friendship - where and how? no multi, place with a yard, quiet place throw parties maybe. stg to consider. load and capacity. taking notes keeping score. my dead suicided mother my smug ungrieving non self blaming father. pathetic. Robert bly would get it I'm sure

 

[odyseus]

social forces that's the theme - not geography or architecture or

i wish it was all just about self help and self growth and courage etc. I've displayed that in spades

as i was in bed late last night i felt my gut well and felt it beaten around like Odysseus raft. the forces are so dominant here. they can't be reasoned with. the best thing to do is feel them. I'm carrying a property burden. again and again that thing dumps on me or drafts me. i need a wall. i need to be aggressive. too many forces against me but the purely social ones are worse. they prevent there being any prize or reward in life earned and deserved. they try to reframe and define the self, the soul the spirit. the place, the city the system is uppity. it is over the line. it crosses the line. i have seen outsiders, this cool female British doctor who removed a cyst, newly arrived a few years later with a different flatter personality and the puerto rican too- not flat but managerial full throttle entrepreneursial about the place socially. her i don't blame - she wants to win but its a change wrought by the system

forces- the most important thing is to be embodied. i am really embodied where i am but it is not full. the lower areas are still bound and inducable. sex is good, lust is good but they must be decoupled. the social contract is deelly fucked if there ever was one. gendered respect and dignity is gone. forces are strong and i felt them and feel them in my gut. i want to eat the lion not be eaten. the smile from the movie Magus. the system tries to induce. people try to induce. where is there a margin opportunity - to be better than others? reactivity must be observed internally. i am trying to observe all necessary things. many comclusions seem forced- there is a terrible kind of social contract here- but elsewhere it is still great- terrible at very basic and fundamental levels and self help can only get one so far- I've tried- I've tried cheerfulness - if the fundamental operating system is so different. what a waste. what a frustration. Minneapolis was always the place i saw as opportunity and ended up feeling frustrated in never comnecting the dots. i was slow. it is evil as i felt last night insofar as the system wants me spent or closed in. i need power. i mean inner power, eternally reborn, power to ram.

there are so many social forces and forcings. its in the behavior, its in the staleness and watching and limpness of others. i need a way to nonverbally call others out without being dramatic. there's not a huge solution space for what i need. they need mocking and i need to freely desecrate what is sacred to them in public. ancient warriors often would desecrate temples. not always. some cultures would respect temples and some would desecrate. It is not easy for me to know what to do or how to operate. I know what I must feel in my body. it's expensive to live here but I'm stuck here at the moment kind of kind of- fucking bankers fucking shitty buildings one of seven only one of seven is that shitty but it is so fucking irritatingly shitty and chronic. these are just the ties. if the place tied to was fine it wouldn't be so shitty. All my life I've tried to open. Even now I'm trying to open my hips my pelvis while keeping my upper chest open and outgoing my shoulders open but that's not what this place wants but fuck this place and to win open eyes but It seems so expensive to get so little. mocking and desecration transgression those things are powerful if I know what to do. That's not insult. It was during my lifetime where insults became popular rap battles and insults because they didn't used to be And I'm not bemoaning that fact here although maybe I should But it's not what I mean. it's more of a mocking energy not strictly condescending in an invested sort of way but I need the right energy and even then it's going to be exhausting it's not going to get me anything good it's only going to get me through things with less friction. it's hopeless here just as I knew in last November. I've made some progress in some things but not a lot it seems like. it's really hard because the system keeps trying to colonize the self or marginalize it. it's a simulation a social simulation by which I mean something specific. it's very soft padding combined with very strong center hard center fist it's like it's hard fist with very thick gloves and it tries to nudge and that would be fine if it actually fucking paid me if the social contract if basic reciprocity was valid and alive but I see how hard they are in the center and how padded they are with fucking fake ass niceness so these are the social forces I'm up against. limpness is one of the big ones, Friends acquaintances and dependencies not being available when you need them. where is my Eros where is my hard-on for life against the system That's what's missing. There's no errors because there's nothing that wins that and there's too much load. That's what one needs is that Eros That's what I've been working for my whole life but this place is dead to it It tries to corrupt it subvert it ignore it. Even just feeling Eros, feeling the hard on- That's winning that's breaking through that's the transgression the ultimate transgression having a hard on for a beautiful woman without apology here because they make it seem like a morally wrong issue but forcing the issue non-verbally that is the deepest transgression to the sick twisted extractive system hard on energy. there is no hard on energy so there's a space for me to have hard on energy if I can have it but is it easy? that doesn't matter and I am leaving but hard on energy is the hardest thing. It might be expensive things might get in the way but that is the most powerful not just balls cuz I've always tried to have balls. balls hang low and I've had balls but you don't want to be used by having balls historically oh you can do that job now you get more work fuck that shit so I got irritable after that I got resentful I got scornful and I still am But balls without the cock is only part of the system. And both of those things need the gut They need erotic energy to just awaken unapologetically and I don't know why things have to get just right but they do for it to really come alive. timing is hard I want to display it right at the right time in front of a beautiful woman through my face through the eyes and it's not just about not masturbating either It has nothing to do with that actually or not that much. timing is the hardest thing and not apologizing not cringing looking them direct and forcing them to have to figure out what to think figure out what to do forcing them into the right position of difficulty uncertainty off balance off-centered. fucking someone. fucking r ratings. We can chill violence in movies but we can't show fucking sex and passion What the fuck you know nothing no movie show like real passion the kind I'm used to experiencing when things are going right. primal passion that's actually reciprocated That's so fucking rare so I want to bottle this I want more I want to tap it in myself. how the hell do I do tha? That's the only self-improvement needed or ever needed really

 

[odyseus]

eureka, euclids elements

time
quality time (unmolested)
length of unmolested time

openness of people to connection, new experience, sexuality

I was just thinking of creating a basic list of the primitives and derivatives that a person has to operate in.

I guess the first part was for my sanity and business and life planning and stuff.

feels like now I get molested every fucking minute every fucking goddamn second of the fucking day

And I guess the second set is kind of about culture for dating and stuff but these are very basic primitives or simple units or dimensions. I want to come up with maybe a bigger list because when these fails everything fails

WHEN THESE CAN'T BE GUARANTEED NOTHING CAN BE GUARANTEED

 

[odyseus]

Is there a pattern where certain women only open up to men who are injured? That's just injury I think there is but that's just injury They like the wounded man for whatever reason

here in Minneapolis I think there's a twist on it and it's more universal. The twist is that they don't need him injured per say he can be high functional, But they need some signal of brokenness down kind of like basic training boot camp breakdown some kind of docility or some kind of something but I didn't need that in Austin it's not erotic it's not Eros

it's sick and they keep pushing me because the system the energy knows I want something and it keeps trying to nudge me there and I keep going as far as I can to work with them it's kind of like America and Iran trying to get to the negotiation tables really trying but there's irreconcilable differences

I was overwhelmed this afternoon with little things never big things little things too many little things I don't know what happened but I had to go for a walk my body spasms. I'm conscious of when I'm doing it it's kind of like a tension release somehow I don't know how that works I haven't been walking enough anyways something that thought of sitting in a coffee shop doing work that's last minute given to me that I have to do thinking about before the Sprint is over but the fact is that sitting down in this noisy place staring at a screen the system wins again I'm staring at a screen I was thinking earlier like if you can not have to stare at a screen that's winning kind of because you're yourself you're free but lo and behold by hook and by crook things get you staring at the screen They get a high screen stare count even if it's code even if it's not social media

As I was walking I was jerking and spasming kind of releases discharges tension but for a bit I was walked hunched over and that's when the woman that's when I had this thought that's when I had the thought that women are ready to pounce at that time except for me I'm not because I'm still conscious fully conscious of what's going on it's like that's what they want to reduce a man to something so they can date him so he's dateable but I don't believe in that it wasn't necessary in Austin it's not necessary in a lot of places I don't fucking get it it's a stronghold here that's all I can think I sound paranoid or whatever I'm speaking in abstraction I know but I think I'm speaking of something real if you allow me poetic license They think they got me there but they don't But they know too that they don't got me cuz my eyes reveal it oil and water it's not possible to reconcile the two. I'm waiting for them to give. sometimes when someone is contesting you a worker or someone who claims you or them money or who owes you money And you're both standing off sometimes you'll feel a shift where they kind of give a little bit and that's what I'm looking for but it's not coming and that's what they're looking for in me maybe I don't know but I feel like they're asking for too much they're asking for my spirit so I go for a walk you know you have to be able to let everything go What if I lose my job so what you got to be able to let everything go cuz if you can't let something go you're fucking captured and it would have helped if I had help for my father who's rich he didn't earn a shit cent of it I don't even respect him cuz he just inherited it all and put it into fucking stock market fund of someone and watched it girl he didn't do jack shit he drove a tractor that other people told him to My mom said he just took orders from other people. anyway the point of that is I want to do all right so I don't fucking need him I remember being kind of intellectually independent in my twenties but never feeling fully financially independent always a little bit maybe not beholden but not free and who's responsibility is that whose fault is that? Is that my fault at what point does responsibility happen? I've always done everything I could when I could do it and it's his behavior I'm not blaming him anymore kind of for the present moment but you think if he wanted grandchildren that he would fucking help though so clearly his actions even though it's my responsibility his actions have consequence for me and for his legacy and what the fuck but he doesn't even give a shit about that he just cares about his Jesus his church and he doesn't even lead there And you never even talked about the Bible at the dinner table not in a discussion kind of way.. More like this is the truth kind of way I'm so happy you should join me the water is fun and I did join the church later on for the small group and I enjoyed mentoring people and I told people that the stomach block for me joining was my father the associations I have but it was a great place to have connection connectivity with people and girls too and stuff but I don't want that right now I want more freedom but I just thought of him cuz I'm thinking about money and how cruel the world is kind of everyone wants you to be beholden to them even your own parents everyone wants you to be under their dominion you know fuck it whatever happened to Independence whatever happened to also people taking care of their shit I'm trying to enforce boundaries it's mostly a few units creating most of the noise yeah I'm feeling my gut right now really hard I mean not at the moment but in general these days it's not easy but it's deep and I always get testy I guess when I reach a deeper level or something and I see all the manipulations and the anxieties I've carried so many people's anxieties my whole life you want to talk about anxiety that's what I've been carrying for years from multiple others it's like you some self-help you fuckers never gotten my just reward and exhausted and I can't even rest cuz the yank at me when I'm trying to rest They demand constantly demanding I can't get no rest

I don't care how far I will go the distance I will search a world I will face it's harms. That's not consent I refuse this bullshit but I'll fight when I have to I'll take the necessary paths for glory well or for long-term value

 

[odyseus]

this is like my Twitter account I was just at the bank trying to do something that they can't even do to set up automatic ACH payments instead of bill pay checks but they can't do that but whatever but t is gone. she's a cute woman from Ethiopia that I always used to talk to who's a business banker. before her was a beautiful blonde Teller named Chloe if she hasn't been there for a couple years. now it's mostly dudes. same with coffee shops and stuff it's turning into dudes serving people it's like what's where's all the pretty girls that's who used to do these jobs What are they making too much money doing other stuff why is everyone vanishing and I decided to listen to the Coyote song again by Don Edwards. everything is disappearing. where are these pretty girls? they're gone gone gone They don't need us anymore

 

[odyseus]

this is my twitter lol. i just got seneca in the mail- dual latin and english translations. Hopkins classical Collection with the light blue cover. I have Pausanias from them in English and greek. i have never read Seneca. I have heard him quoted a lot. Just glancing briefly, his writing/style is good. He took his own life stoically i guess when ordered to being accused of conspiracy by nero or something. I guess he writes for instability. I resonate- - however

I didn't always feel loaded. I know Paretos law- 20 percent of the shit causes 80 percent of the problems so fire the 20 and be free- so i am trying to do so with a sale. I don't glorify stoicism. i love his style but i don't want to be bound in that arena. I don't want to be no Aurelius. Like Powerwolf says "We don't want to be no saints". We are survivors not saints - i will survive as necessary but Greek heroes like Theseus didn't set out to be heros. They ventured out to be Kings and in the process they had to do heroic things. Anyway I can deal with stress and instability - and insanity- even perpetually but i cannot deal with lack of eros in the world. that is non negotiable. 20 percent of my shit causes most of my strain and this city is the cause of lack of eros. I have found my prison. i don't know how a place can be so flat and people can be so flat and anxious. i am carrying as i said above or did carry so many people's anxiety- my fathers growing up and mothers and tenants now- some anxious tenants. Anyway I can't live without eros. the cost has been too huge of these systems. i was always in them never of them. I'm not even special. they're just bad. Even if i'm not captive to them they have nothing to give. they are dry-- and moralizing -- and Chloe is gone. Why did she leave? Stephanie coworker is gone. Why are they going? There's like beauty flight or young beauty flight from public spaces it seems like. I said far above i feel cucked or i'm a cucked man. now there's two types of cucks. I resent it and i fight it at every turn but i don't know what I can do- it's a systems thing. I'd have to change the whole city, country, world, change its morality, get it right sided. I see btw a bunch of well shaved angry pale skin in power-- that are all frothing about iran. Check yourself. besides the tribe of israel - not all but some -- it's the protestants. it's not the catholics- or greek orthodox. it's the protestants. that's the target of my ire, the well shaved corporate or bootcamp or hollywood informed. I come from that background. they seem so insecure now as i zoom out and angry. they don't care about palestine. they think in black and white like a zoroastrian but without the nuance. They say words like "give em hell" but they lack understanding of life. I Don't know how they got so much wealth and power. i think they live to work- on their narrow tracks. It's the protestant caste. They are mostly all circumcised and well shaved and angry. i wonder if their anger is just a projection.. now that i think about it but anyway how did i get talking about that? My prison- i can get out of it and don't have to cope seneca style - that's the goal. I don't have conrol over outcomes but i have visions.

 

[odyseus]

I feel better now not that this is a feeling's journal but I took care of something at a tenants which annoyed me that I had to do weak links you know and then I spent a few hours on a book at a cafe. it's not that that's a life but it's like it's the time I'm not distracted I can think strategically high level read whatever I want no pop-ups from phones but it allows me to relax but I wonder what is agitating and draining me so much That's the question of this post what is draining me so much and why have I been an utter failure on the dating front here?

I pose one thing right now which is why I came out here right. oh I also have a second thing to say okay so

1) why I feel so much? there are many reasons I have described them all people are avoidant etc but here's the thing the things the women I did have a chance with a lot of them not all of them They just want more than I want to give They want everything to be super serious super quickly They want to attach too strongly and make too much claim on my being. I think people bond really tight here but in a weird tight way an assuming way where they don't actually talk about what they feel or it's very like I don't know how you say it it's Norwegian it's swedish and I didnt want that. It wasn't a conscious thought but an unconscious semi-conscious gravitation over the years. hard to get women hard to talk to them but the ones I can or a lot of them that I could over the years there was just too much of a demand for too much and also too little of what I wanted

2) here's the other thought I had and this cafe in St Paul is more social but still is part of the general system that people actually have kind of a bubble of perception. there is this tall lanky guy who was crazy he went down and did push-ups in the middle of the room and then he started listening to music on a chair and just like singing really really loudly and most of the people ignored him which is fine I guess some of the people ignoring him looked at each other but mostly they just ignored him but he was sitting right behind me and so I turned to look at him and observe him and one of the things that stands out is cuz I he looked intelligent and he looked like what I was going through earlier today the stress you know just the loneliness or like he didn't give off those vibes maybe necessarily but that's what I inferred you know how the world bends you and you want to crack you have so much potential you're meant for love you're meant for all this stuff and it wasn't giving it. he was light brown black but not that dark but yeah tell he I could sense where he might be coming from although I couldn't confirm it

anyway I was observing him you know and I was waiting for a moment to make eye contact or whatever because he didn't seem stupid and he didn't even see him on drugs as much to me as on stress and he did order something cuz I saw he had something from the shop so it seemed like stress and frustration overflowing erupting which is kind of what happened to me earlier in the day but unlike him and whatever I look around he was so contracted in his bubble but so are many other people not just him at all not just him so that you can't even be seen by people who are really close to you even if you want to be seen not even seen let alone acknowledged That's a thing here and it's a thing other places but I think it's very strong here. There's like a rating now or a metric you could say or two metrics. The first is how much people are even willing to look outside of this so-called bubble or how bubbled people are with sheer perception and then secondly the degree to which there willing to acknowledge someone like with an eye contact or something and it's better here in St Paul but these numbers are not great not great at all There's such a thick bubble that the way to get someone's attention or even get in their site is to actually go up and touch them or talk to them and then who knows what would happen maybe I should do that more I'm not shy but I have to have the time energy and desire to talk to someone by overtly interrupting them but they have such high bubble metrics not just the crazy guy but people on the whole not as much in St Paul but definitely in Minneapolis and that's frustrating too it's like just look around it's like they don't even have their head up. I wear headphones now all the time now mostly to drown out noise but even I'm more present than most people despite them because I'm not doing it to isolate but that's fine you can isolate if you want but I'm in touch with myself I think but also I want to have situational awareness but it's like people don't care about that I guess it's such a different reality and it annoys me how extreme it can be like the guy was kind of loud and going off and he was right there not even once over 5 minutes or 15 minutes did he even look up enough to see that I was looking at him cuz I might have tried to make a contact or connection not even once and he wasn't stupid and other people are like that who are going about their business They don't even look up to see what's around them and some people do look up and see but they refuse to acknowledge and I hate both of these things

so I don't know the major causes of my frustration it's a bunch of little things compiling and it's usually the little things that set me off but there's big deficits and having a partner like Abby who I should have could have or whatever would be grounding would have changed my life would have a partner in crime a business partner too kind of in a way. The guy who sold me some property said you and your wife should could work on things together like he did and one of my tenants assumed I was in a relationship people just assume these things but no it's just lonely ass me so these are some other thoughts about what's going on. spring is coming That's nice gas bills go down That's nice too got to sell the property that tortures me and things will be completely different I know they will but I do not know when it will sell

 

[odyseus]

JC- this is not new but you contact a lender and they swarm on you with messages, reminders etc. they are activist. if a man did that pursuing a woman, he'd get a restraining order.

I woke up this morning primed for startle. i get a text from friend, i hear the notification (not off) and i fear- who is it, what is it now.

but i woke up reminiscing about a girl- a coworker who actually liked me. the thing about this one is she was close. she was beautiful, smart and for the better part of two years she stood by my side, she connected, she revealed herself, no guile. a by-one's-side chick- see what i did there? But then she was gone, when she changed companies. It was my error if i had a shot. Errors have causes and I could unpack. what sounds like rationalization or excusing or obsessiveness- might be but i am a thinker. it is nice to evaluate deeply and in detail but that is not for right now. i'm just saying- and also it probably is more called for to analyze and reevaluate when one is in a target poor environment. if i was somewhere people were dating a lot i would focus on that. that is a factor. when one gets a lot of chances, one can just take those chances. A lot of things here are one-shot, not just dating. i noticed that and it makes people more neurotic and hesitant, and that becomes a spiral. "no big deal" becomes "bigger deal". it doesn't sit right in my gut. just take a shot. standing outside the fire. but that's what people do here and even for me on my end chances for different things don't occur that frequently. it's a low chance-recurrence society here and that governs things but what governs that? critical threshhold? I had a theory that the nation or a space like the nation has a set of different types of people and so different people choose to pool in different places. the cautious ones pool here. that's just a theory. in reality maye there is not that essentialism. It does not have to be 100 percent. it only has to be the swing voters to push it over the threshhold for everyone but maybe my theory is wrong. maybe chance some dynamics here and they will be risk tolerant and everyone in the country can be risk tolerant- there is no set group of people that need to pool somewhere but maybe there is-- but woe to the one who doesn't fit and double woe to one who is tied. i am working on breaking the tie- chew off my own ankle, saw off my own leg-- but there are other things I can do first.

Absorb. Consume.

I woke up this morning and i had a feeling in my gut- of myself getting bigger than systems, jagged discontinuous systems, and there is a threshhold boundary. I said similar before but either something is framing you and containing you or you are containing it- and have a plan or have confidence. Metabolize it. the end result of metabolisis of it for me is not happy go lucky live in peace (if I have to remain here) but metabolize a thing, a bad thing and not be bound by it or vulnerable to it -- so be free, but not be forgive and forget either. remember and scowl. impose. The Greek alliance drove the persians back but then the Athenians created the Delic league. I need my Delic league. Nature abhors a vacuum. i have to get out of here -- but emerge out of here not flee and leave behind loot - slow is better and how grabby and greedy this demiurge is, these archons are i should say here. I knew that one has to escape one's prison slowly. I learned that in the bath last winter, and i was recognizing that fact and feeling the hell, the bars around me and i've been living accordingly, not thrashing but yet the system always seems to have more firepower, more reserves. it's like i thought i've been working it out, not making mistakes, but i have been seeing more and more of the systems mechanics.

You have to put it under you and inside of you and that is an embodied thing. Grief goes inside of you. Your face stays as it was before you were born. that was a combination of Van Morrison's lyrics- before the world was made and gospel of thomas saying. hey maybe he got it from there - he does pull from stuff, mystic traditions but you want to metabolize things so they are not shown on your face, which is a tell that the world has captured you- same as your posture and body language and kinesiology so this morning i was feeling that i could absorb things and metabolize things.. but things can also startle me and yank on me and make me dance. i do what i can. i mute notification as much as i can. i learn more plumbing and tenant management. i try to expand like the universe and see things clearly.

I was thinking women want a man to show his microexpressions here without giving anything in return. that's not true everywhere. women want to see first, they want to read you first here way more than elsewhere, and it's not necessarily malicious but it is unsustainable and they offer no guarantees. the problem is they can't seem to read you or won't read you otherwise- to see if you are safe. they won't look you in the eye or read your eyes or what works you have done. maybe they're not reading you to see if you're safe but if you're compliant. The exchange rate here sucks and this is NOT the world. it is THIS place. it is better in saint paul, the energy or the north loop but in general i think it sucks in the state.

There are other ways of things being shitty. There's a friend of a friend on facebook that it suggests as my friend but i haven't added as i never met them. she's beautful and young and all, recently graduated and she looks nice- genuinely so but nice to insiders- her famliy and so on. inaccessble to others- and that's fine. i'm not entitled. i'm saying though, that doesn't count for viability either. she dresses nice- i'm not super attracted to her in that she's not my type anyway but it's just she advertises stuff that's not available to all. that's what's shitty- someone advertising things en masse that's out of one's price range-- Even moreso when one has value that is not respected or seen. i have high value. still somehow i manage to -- other people manage to be out of my price range- except a few saw me- Abby and Stephanie and Sydney others. Few and far between. often it is timing- with them. Most stay friendly if you don't screw it up with a verbal blunder so when i ran into Abby, while she had a bf, she was still shy and friendly and open around me. that's common. they don't fake it. They are true. Others like lauren either can't admit to themselves or to you they liked you- which they did but when you see them they are testy- ambivalent when they ask you out to hit you up for money for their mission. they play games but if she had a bf maybe she woudl be different. anyway these would be fun girls to date and get to know without the high stakes urgency of yes or no. it's too late but if it wasn't, i don't want high stakes on dates 1 and 2. Everything has been so steep for me here- prices, without counting my value, degrees of committment required early on in communities that could see my value-- except for a few- abby and stepanie and those were not proven i could get them but i probably could have abby.

but why am I not a member? that one girl who is not my type call her jess (not the jessica from earlier who was playful and fun, from out of state)-- just in general, i was raised if poorly than at least to belong, at least to be so called 'middle class' whatever but i'm so on the periphery of people. i could do more church but then i'd be partly faking it but i could move to the burbs and throw parties periodically and that could be good but it's a process and it is nice to be near my shitty property until i sell it but i could do that but at this point it is too much for too little but i could have done it. i failed at the local manner of connection but i always wanted my freedom anyway, freedom to grow. I feel like I belong everywhere and nowhere and local people can't process me but Austonians seems to process me completely as do others to different degrees

I hope I'm being clear, not that i care if anyone reads. i am not rambling but the points i have to make are complex but i try to simplfiy them.
- Absorb the world and wrap it don't let it wrap you up or bind you
- certain systems price things differently, exchange rates for types can be bad- the exchange rate for other types here is far too good
- how do i not belong? Why is trust such a constant battle here- but elsewhere it just happens but even here- how am i not a member of groups or systems when i wasn't raised to be in exile? Granted my family didn't throw parties or network or connect BUT that's what they low key expected of me and didn't make me non grata.

So I belong to myself, own my own body, i feel what i feel, i give love to who i give love to, and sympathy and affection. I have some friends- and i connect well. Stroking one psych called it. My lithuanian friend, she just had a child. she's hot too and a good mum. i met her few years ago. i can connect with people who are similarly wounded but intelligent and high integrity- and it is important such people find each other. most people are broken, stupid low key selfish etc. it feels good to give milde or tatiana or someone my love and support out of the free will-- that is to discern between types and don't try to play games with them. there are different classes of people in terms of deservingness. most are shitty. there was this turkish girl- turks are HOT actually, she lives in europe now. She stayed in touch. she's hot she's elegant. i can't believe i'm saying this but they're probably the hottest people both looks wise and personality wise on the planet. I never would have thought that. they're just different. I don't know how far back this goes. i got a 600 page book on ancient asia minor history- a rare one. will read but it's likely also more recent. so elegant lady like not playing games not docile either. local modern docility of a woman who wants to look lady like is also a game. you're not that docile. they think they're fooling you. it's so irritating. the world doesn't capture me as much as irritates me and sieges me. really? When can i be above this finally? When can i have my partner or a few or whatever so i have surplus? I think change a few things- sell this house, a little more cash though i'm not starving, one girl by my side or on call no matter how serious- life partner or partner for a season and a reason or a few variables basically and life is completely differnet. haven't i paid the price for these things? haven't i been pursuing freedom? My worst mistake is choice of lcoation. Who knew that location could be so powerful, that people's minds get so bent by a geography? But go to the north loop and things change. it's a different country, the north loop. Fucking hell it's weird. From everewhere else - all of st paul all of the rest of minneapolis all the burbs the north loop is different.

Chance a few variables catch a few breaks my life is completely different but IF --- if. there are gates, gate keepers chokepoints. nothing is guaranteed. nothing is assured. assurance. that's an industry lol. We saw how that worked out with Enron, in 2008, with the oil crisis now. Assurance. Ha lol. If, yeah i can't bank on if. i'm not saying if because i can depend on it. i'm saying if because if then. it's more the THEN part that i am illustrating because I know that IF is not guaranteed but it is not impossible either. It's called a path i guess. i need paths. progress on them- at least one path if not another.

Another lender calling lol. i only really started things with two- plus the original refinancing bank, plus my friend a lender who hasn't hit me up- who knows my situation but between these two it's been like an aerial assault. This also demonstrates how - another way- that one's phone is an entrypoint into the self, the time, the attention of the person, not just an outgoing tool. i hate that. that's what i hate about phones. i'm thinking of looking too into 2FA systems like external devices that decouple me from needing a phone everywhere, if that is possible, to auth to the things i need to at work and to my bank and anything that requires 2FA. yeah i can use my phone but why should i be forced-coerced.

The overriding theme of all the above is -- the world. The fucking world. And lest you say of course the world is the world you can't escape it. and you might even say in the past there were wars to be called to fight in, like Salamis or Many Many others and yes that's true. that wasn't always the case but that's true but there was clarity and that wasn't always the case. feels like the noose is tightening or in a tightening phase so one has to escape that tightening with one's wits- polytropos Πολυτροποσ man of a thousand wiles like odysseus or Themistocles. The fucking world- it is various. you have to navigate to where it's good away from how it's bad or coercive if you can.

UPDATE:

i posted the above to chat, talked a bit and it said a few brilliant things

1. Expected value is negative [in a given interaction or set of them]

I thought how if a systems EV is chronically negative you get a different type of personality. Ireland under British rule etc -- vs someone from a different system where EV is not always negative.

People in chronic negative EV spaces may retreat into irony, and i try to avoid that. i tap instead into my balls to be hard and all. I told chat that and said "but the problem is" __ and let it give an answer.

It said the second brilliant thing:

2. you maintain coherence but [the environment] doesn't transact.

BOOM

That is me- coherence but no transaction.

There's a certain kind of madness that arises from that- from holding chronic internal coherence via your balls and mind in a system with near zero real meaningful transaction - no one doing business with you - averting eyes etc from chickenshit fear-- which irritates me 1000x more than bad politics or riots

Update 2:

Chat said that rare coherence without transaction creates surplus energy with nowhere to go and i said oh yeah that's the exact energy that probably is what created wars in the past. At least in war- take your pick but not so much imperial wars as much as early phase- the early persian vs the medes or Athens vs Sparta or whatever whatever,-- in war, if you lose, if you get low T as a result of losing- at least you get closure, at least you get settlement and hieararchy and formality and a pride of having done something. Here you just get restless surplus energy- nothing closing. invisible cages and eternal containment? What is different now? Why don't things spill over? Are the containers just stronger? that's my suspsicion- and group coherence weaker- society is analyazed, bonds broken, atomized. that's my take.

We have seen a chain of things that happens, basically starting from anxiety or whatever. When i was growing up, in church and as a believer and more broadly a believer in social structures, i always thought if people rejected them or broke out of them, even if for legitimate rational reasons-- they would have license for pleasure. People would have more fun- be more fun loving, like dan bilzerian or whatever but they become new moralists or tightwads. in what world is that a good transaction or a good read on things? it must be a personality type more than a belief system. I am still shocked on that. I'm confused what sustains this. it's almost like the church is trolling the greater society- see we have fun, monogamously and have families, you have neither. you are more moralizing. but protestantism is more moralizing than catholicism so it is pagan is least let's say, catholic next least, protestant more and agnostic atheist moralizing that is the most (but this category confuses me because it should not exist- atheist should be having the most fun but that's not what i'm seeing)

And I don't know why the mechanics of the world are thus. The pagans were warriors-- it might be worth noting. Whether or not it had to do with surplus energy, they fought a lot. People and cultures valued bravery- and divided spoils but they despised cowardice -- and we don't really. we value securit and caution as wisdom- the royal me. not me (although I do not say I am brave- i can't imagine running into a pike).

Personality/collective behavior has shifted. why that is- everyone having enough food and drug (and social media), or so much supervision, or much docility from pfcs or what they're called (microplastics), or fewer social bonds, or more control of the state or whatever whatever, or when something emerges it is captured, or there is too much going on- it is a different world. that doesn't mean everyone has changed. this is the world one has to expand one's spirit in, one's spine, and navigate. The ancients weren't married to a philosphy or anything. they used what works. They didn't use triremes because triremes but because of what was availalble. that was their spirit. now we are here. things changed. we came out of that world but other systems weighed in greatly- orthodox systems, bishops, theologians, roman emperors. they suppressed a lot of this energy.

But what happens to surplus energy that is not able to transact? What happens with it today versus in the past?