I'm fukt

[odyseus]

all is frame frame is all

narrative creates frame
thats why narrative is powerful
guns and terror impose frame. thats why they work but guns fear monks and martyrs, holy men

paper systems create frame- mailing departments, billing, A/R
philosophies create frame- eh John Locke proto capitalism. any system of power has supporting philosophies - or sophistries

social proof and consensus and appearance creates frame
public prejudices and predilections of various populations creates frames or crack tendencies

histories create frames- see narratives

humor can challenge frame and usurp it

tilt can collapse frame- more than just the nominal pawn loss or sth

rattling someone can crack frame
fatigue can overwhelm frame

frame is more literal than you think
it is not just frame of mind
it is frame of physical structure - your skeleton
when you have an open dominant skeleton that is also relaxed in the fascia and tendons, then you have aura

the world tries to impose frame
it varies by community (obviously) so choose your community and birth family well.

you can absorb the world's imposing frame and become bigger if you do it right but it requires being big, being rested, see gospel of Thomas.

you'll feel it when you metabolize some part of it but its a war

a society should at least be designed for human flourishing but it doesn't seem to be

the world likes to coerce

decline the offers

have big goals

its probably easier to become a liquid millionaire than to be able to dispense with a phone and still travel, have a life and friends and family and be able to travel

a good frame is scaffolding, a bad external cultural frame is a prison

be able to walk away, from your beliefs and allegiences when they prove false

cherished patriotism or belief in the justice system

they are all systems
see systems as they are


this is not a theory of everything. what follows is speculation

i wonder if identity- that is not native and absolute ie adopted identity is just internalized frame

then it does the work of the system for free

the spine knows the truth or at least can recognize truth from falsehood

frame systems create funnels and funnel systems. they create geometries and gravities. am i not smart?

rich people if they register become officers. the poor enlist to get out of the ghetto and get a degree and they become soldiers

it is a funnel. college debt and the avoidance of that lead to taking this path

college debt arises from expensive college tuition, which arises- which is relatively recent- admin increase which also limits freedom and stunts adulthood

so you get in a way admin increase to increase to enlistment- how is that not a case? of course you have to adjust the weights via partial differentiation via the chain rule just like training a model.

this is more than just a metaphor. this is actually doing life modelling, cultural and social and behavioral modelling

am i not a genius?

a lot of people are great calculus technique or math technique geniuses. i am not but i try to be a genius of high level and deep conceptual understanding and knowing where when and why to use a method

i do not like trying

i like resting and having it come to me

i have been paying the price
i have been suffering, without reward or support under load and lack

i don't like to demand my so called dues in this life. a well mannered world will give the one their due when time is right so i presume but i don't know

stress is not frame. stress and load impact physiology and neurology

i don't claim to know everything. I'm just trying to model things, feel more clear in my mind and body and find my exit from this shitty zone

i have to build my model of tenant behavior using partial differentiation of parameters

and the road to riches

the world wants to use you

shark and badboy taught about the matrix but i feel like they taught it as if one could escape it and win

i feel like here in Minnesota it is enforced - as norms and when one tried to buck them one is shunned

yeah that

other cultures opened to me. yeah i know my stupidity for lingering here. i get it but what i said was right

in the surrounding states i feel like it is 5050. people can break the matrix anc do their own thing and date someone and have it be attractive and 50 percent not, maybe depending on the girl but in here it is like 95/5

girls have gone on a date with me of sized me up and all the sudden turned, concluding something. what they were concluding was i do not conform to the local strict and widespread basic standards and base model

so shark and bbs advice could never work.

if anyone tried it
and i didn't try it as a follower
i did it because it was in my nature

nobody talked about environment - or i didn't see or notice it. they criticized American women

i lost time but i need a bigger frame-
this frame is now evil and dire for all the harm it has done me and time wasted, all the ckawbacks, the dangling. i think multiple women have been genuinely interested but i did not conform mentally they saw or they had a bf (and men and women are super loyal here but not for moral reasons but conformity) so it seems like a tease, takeaway clawback

there is a lady in Austin a young attractive woman when I was sitting at a concert with this girl from the hostel. That's actually the fourth date I always say I had three dates but that's almost one but this random girl came up to me I think she wanted to sleep with me but and she said as much she wanted to go away with me but as soon as I saw her she was gone that shit would never happen here I was just being cool I don't know if that was real I don't know anything but I'm so used to clawbacks and dating and another things and I had a long time getting my second job here when I got laid off from my first when I was doing finance even though I had a bunch of interviews and they seem to go well I seemed to qualify on paper And I'm clearly smart high IQ this is true I made mensa And I was driven and I don't have an obvious personality defect I think I can get along with all types of people And a lot of people love me but I'm not a Minnesota personality so now I think that probably fucked this during those years, months of unemployment

So I've been injured and insulted
now tries to keep me here by making it hard to sell a certain property and trying to fragment my consciousness with noises and stuff. no I'm not paranoid I'm just speaking poetic but I also realized that those forces are true and I need a big frame but you don't get a big frame quickly you grow it slowly. Don't neglect growing it but don't try to just grow it big all the sudden, just read a book or something if you're bored. It has to be built slowly but I have been building it slowly but continue and persevere.

I was in the float tank today. I realized most people don't give a fucking effort I mean even your friends and family They don't make any fucking effort to be there it's so fucking pathetic some people do but it's really fucking pathetic and also realized if I can't sell to a couple key buyers then I don't know when I'm going to sell this motherfucking thing and I am not that free and I don't know how I got into this corner there's a funnel there's frames and there's limitations there's only so much one man can do only so much one man can know and I noticed that when I lose on chess I don't always get mad but sometimes I do even when I blunder I don't always get mad. you have to absorb that emotion and grow your frame

The world is a corpse. who discovers a corpse the world is not worthy.

the world is not worthy
who discovers the world discovers the body. who discovers the body the world is not worthy. I won't let it eat my frame consume me I will eat its frame by being in my body and then exiting once I'm able to cut myself loose from my bonds my sick bonds

 

[odyseus]

Minneapolis is a city of deer. it is a city of runners and bikers. i noticed that but it didn't click. There are two personalities: runners and fighters. I ran track for a few years cause i needed a sport but i was never a runner at heart

everyone's always jogging. jogging away from confrontation and conflict and life experience.

Just an ethnographic insight. Jogging and blocking traffic on their bikes. Hey i'm pro bike and get annoyed by car culture but i get annoyed by them on the street and they don't speed up on crossing to let you through. they very much willfully inconvenience you.

They probably get some dopamine from their jogging that should and could have been got from presence based conversation

I was thinking- socrates in phaedo says pleasure is close to pain. when his shackles were removed he felt pleasure. that's how the system keeps us in cycle- it doesn't reward us- with surplus unless we fight and get it ourselves but it loads us with tension and lets us release the tension periodically in the cycle and it feels good, we feel good but we have not progressed. we are still in the cycle. that's unacceptable. it starts by not enjoying the release that much paradoxically. yes we have to lower our joy. that coils us and we can spring forth- at least the theory (my own theory) goes.

It means not enjoying youself and that doesn't mean you're gringing on a project (if you don't have one) but just going where the wind blows- without purpose but seeking valid honest purpose, seeking path when so many seem false. there is that tension, release of tension illusion of pleasure system- which is fine if you want to stay in a cycle

And this place is just about runners

Cycles aren't bad. the world runs on cycles. one just needs good happiness bliss cycles healthy cycles. slow down the bad, start up the good

Everyone here is jogging. they have a joggers or runners psychology. I can't connect with them

And rockefeller looks like a wringwraith. I want to be alive. i want to flourish. i don't know what freedom means but i want to flourish

 

[odyseus]

"the person you are trying to reach is not available"

gratitude plus resentment but always clear eyes. to my christian friends- jesus had a parable of people not being available- απειμι- they won't be let in for the festival

lack of availability is the norm, rigid in their lane conditionality. they want the self to process it at the identity level or at least it becomes signal- this is your value to me. they want the signalling to be internalized

abandonment is the name of it- specific individual although a common trait these days and a general social universal truth

abandonment is cold and cruel and sick and common and not ones fault. maybe its harder and more common in minneapolis than elsewhere, not just for dating but for business.

this place is as mafioso fierce as new york city but in a different rigid norm enforcing psychological bullying or abandoning way. how do i know? my body doesn't lie. men are cowards here even if they are tough. they are cowards for norms and approval.

i think they think that not returning calls is polite but i take it as offense and i suffer offense daily. how much chronic load i have borne where now i also bear acute load and with no support and no reward and am told i have privilege and others say minnesota is a great place. this place is sick-- to the core

as i type this i go from feeling pain in my brain and spine to aliveness and heat in my gut and brain and clarity in my eyes. anything to keep the sanity but where is the leverage, where is the force? these people only respond to the bullwhip, the book. now I'm not talking about buyers but tenants. i gave some idiot tenants notice. you can't reason with retards here. i lament that it all seems to be about force. i never consented to this. my embodied feelings are one of anti consent, to this usury.

i said i was going to collapse ambiguity today- call four suspended leads or 2- both of whom showed either prematurely/immaturely interest excitement, or failed to follow up though they seemed professional, one other relation and i thought friend and then lastly the seller. I'm going into the friends office to have a sit down- if not today then tomorrow. YOU GOT TO HAVE A FUCKING SIT DOWN WITH PEOPLE.

I DON'T MIND ANY ANSWER AS LONG AS THEY LOOK ME IN THE FUCKING EYES THE FUCKING IDIOTS THE FUCKING MORONS THIS WORLD IS NOT TRAINING ME BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE WORLD IT'S JUST THIS FUCKING STATE CULTURE WHICH IS RIDICULOUS AND FUCKING STUPID

I FUCKING EXIST AND I'M A FUCKING MAN AND I CAN FUCKING TALK TO PEOPLE AND THEN FUCKING THERE FOR OTHERS BECAUSE I WANT TO BE. I'M SOMEONE WHO MAKES HIMSELF AVAILABLE

I also think they make themselves scarce even men if they think you might need something from them, a favor or whatever. I feel like they are allergic to doing favors. they're so fucking pathetic - there's supposed to be a favor economy in the world. this too is something I'm noticing ethnographically, sociologically. oh my God that makes sense. They won't do favors for you because they don't believe in them or something or they're little fucker cowards unless there's something in it for them. That's really fucking pathetic

But if they think you need a favor they'll avoid you I think. That's what my body's telling me based on my experience and if I think that they might think I need a favor I want to call them just to chat I'm not trying to load on them I'm not trying to put load on anybody and I'm talking about competent success for men as well as anyone. it's fucking pathetic

it's fucking abandonment. this is no way to live in the world it's a fucking kind of social control that has to be it's social normal drilling in position. They tried to get their rigs and drill in your head their norms and inject their norms into you The system is trying to capture but fuck this fucking system I'm living in my spine here. What the fuck is wrong with this goddamn fucking cursed place

it's chronic and that's what my body is telling me it's too many people over too many days for too many things and too many domains over too many years actually when I don't even need anything just a little connection just to fucking check in or something I'm an equal I'm not a fucking inferior I don't fucking get it it's dating it's business it's friendship it's fucking everything people are fucking snails

it's a signal on my value. you got to have fucking sit downs with people. They don't take your fucking seriously. it's fucking bondage it's a fucking means of bonding someone making them desperate fuck them fuck all of them may they be cursed and die and go to hell for abandonment

And then you see the righteous signs like the newspaper article I shared above or the pastings on the wall oh these are the martyrs of ICE. I'm not against them but you see that and you see signs love everybody and people's yards and they don't do a shit all the fucking care for you fucking assholes fucking prigs

I hope they all burn in hell rot in hell for a little while, for a season. I don't necessarily believe in hell and if I did I don't believe it's eternal We only need to be chastised punished that sort of thing now and then to perfect the souls and they need a lot of it They need to fucking burn they need to feel the pain fucking cowards fucking snakes fucking pathetic little worms. Worms is the best word even if they're rich in successful they're fucking worms money doesn't buy character money doesn't buy class I'm not surprised by what happened today I'm not surprised at all I knew I waited for two fucking weeks since the last one in months for other people waited patiently cuz don't check back once in a while And I knew if I called them they'd like we not answer or they're be some way for the system to to lead me on even more dangle of fucking shit in front of me God damn it I'm tired of this fucking life dangle just fucking tell you you're going to fuck me up the ass

I've had a preview of a good life many times in my mind do this in your life will be good do that in your life will be good I've tasted it They fucking good dude Don't fucking get this shit My sacrum is stinging i metabolize everything I eat this fucking frame for breakfast The spring that thinks it's bigger than me the things it owns me this fucking corpse zombie fucking corpse i spear it in the face it's not even lies. Liza can deal with lies are speech, lies is someone looking you in the eye. this is avoidance this is Minnesota fucking avoidance Minnesota is nothing but fucking avoidance The most avoidant attachment personality I've ever fucking seen in my life I'm not anxious attachment I'm fucking not but this place is avoidance attachment to extreme to fucking goddamn extreme to extreme of extreme and that tries to place me and frame me as the anxious one fuck you FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU YOU PATHOLOGIZER And if you yell at them actually like in real life of you yell at them they just freeze up like a fucking bump on the log and don't even react just like my dad don't even fucking react Don't punish you don't reward you nothing They just let you get that order that your system and then they go on their business they're fucking worms they're fucking pathetic little fucking idiots They think they're going to condition you or something? I don't know what they think. I don't fucking understand them And even the ones I like when they're connecting they retreat they're all the fucking same even ones that are completely different keep down there the fucking same you can't rely on them. Even the basics you can't rely on

it's this cage trying to close on me tightly this noose even trying to close on my neck even tighter when I'm so close to being free at least in theory - well let the noose close- it's still just my body my economic body not my spirit let me respond to bullshit tenant requests at this shitty ass property- And still just my time it's not my spirit it's not my fucking soul

50 fucking shades of psychological torture this is a different variety than the one yesterday and the day before but it's the fucking same essence. I wish this city got nuked It really deserves to be fucking nuked off the fucking planet- fucking self righteous little shit place. it's really fucking pathetic really really fucking pathetic really dishonoring dishonorable ignorable.. It would legit hear me yell at it I mean a real person like my dad this is what my dad was like you fucking yell at him insult him cuz of how he lets you down and fails you in life and fails other people and he just waits for you to finish. you want to fucking smack him over the fucking head you want to bash his fucking skull in. you want him to get the fucking message to grow the fuck up. They induce behavior they induce behavior indeed. That's what the whole system structure is supposed to be about here like everywhere but here it's about small norms being petty and invisible and stupid and subservient fuck that shit fuck that shit 1000% but what they really induce is anger and violence and rage and wrath and resentment and a long memory. I will never forget this My memory will be stronger than ever I will remember everything I will let go of nothing

And you're fucking church friends are like well "how can I pray for you" or "are you part of any church right now"

fuck that shit fuck more strings and more useless shit. I would meet them I would meet this one person who I'm supporting. I met her for dinner and I know she was going to hit me up so I'm subscribed to her for a little bit of money. you know money's supposed to buy you influence right not that I'm using it for that but that's how it works in politics but we'll see if she's willing to go out just for a meal just to look someone in the face she's more open-minded than the rest and I know she was crushing on me at one time But they're likely to hide behind safetyism and procedurism oh no I'm not supposed to meet a guy or whatever I don't want to get the wrong signal or whatever but so my money might not give me anything not even respect so I will yank it so fuck that shit fuck all this shit fuck all this load which is what they're doing when they're unavailable they're saying all the loads on you You're abandoned

you have no allies You're abandoned

fucking pathetic I don't forget this I don't get smaller I don't get crushed by this. I mean I get crushed but I don't get deformed I don't change I still transform as I was going to transform for the better for the eternal.

this place is sick. this place is disgusting. this place is worthless and useless. this place thinks it's good. it's enforced helplessness but I'm not helpless. it's enforced smallness or whatever I don't even know what to say it's enforced something but just cuz it's enforced doesn't mean I don't resist it doesn't mean I don't hold back the dike until I can leave this fucking society this fucking worthless fucking garbage society. this fucking society of joggers fucking they're not a fucking face someone and then you don't have to fucking jog away all the time Jesus fucking Christ you'll jogging fucking idiots get fucked get bent no libido whatsoever no eros no life force no anything no honor no reciprocity no reliability fuck you

 

[odyseus]

my biggest regret is my biggest mistake and thats Minnesota

this is not a this year thing
not a last ten year thing

this is going to college here in my formative years four years wasting that money AND that SHOULD BE FUN experience

this is growing up with Minnesota coded parents (who lived on the border)

and this place really is different

it is mentally crippled and crippling

thats the best way to say it

it has a stupor and a repressiveness that is not like other forms

passive aggressive is a bad word
first it is aggressive meaning dominant according to its morality
second it is not passive. it is cryptic and concealed

but also good things, good women just don't exist -- or are rare.

yesterday night was quite spontaneous in a good way. after I was able to pull myself out of the house after a shitty day of work and the fucking place just trying to pull me in with noises cuz I don't like to leave with a bad emotion I don't like to escape like I'm running away I like to walk away like I own the fucking place which I do

after I was able to leave and get to the tea shop I chatted with my favorite server who's from North Carolina and I ordered a bahn mi for each of us cuz she's never ever had one and she loved it and that was fun that was spontaneous

then I taught her a new drink that I made up a green drink lime cucumber green tea and honeydew and it was delicious

then this other really cute woman who was there before briefly who I talked to briefly who is interested in working in Switzerland came in. I think she's from Minnesota but she's been to Europe and she has a totally different vibe and we were talking

But the reason I brought this up actually is cuz this whole time there were two women sitting there on the side that were young upper twenties younger thirties doing work and they were just quiet the whole time I was sitting in the center table and my body language was interesting because I'm deep in my spine these days after all the stress and I was just like sprawled out not trying to put any pose on just laid my books on the table one after the other not trying to move for anybody just trying to be at my own pace but they don't respond nobody responds but anyway a couple hours later after we had the bombies and I was talking to other girl I was walking back to my table and they gave me the briefest eye contact glimpse and you'd have to be there but that's what it's like they're the fucking type of people that even if they're interested they'll hide so fucking deep behind their fucking self their eye contact their fucking plausible deniability. They fucking hate not having ironclad plausible deniability That's what people hate here with a passion those eyes are so retreated so recessed or the eye contact even though I had a large personality but not overbearing like it's like I wasn't expecting anything anyway but the point is even a little bit of love they give me I reject until they really give it fucking give it for real or not at all I don't want this shit I don't want more games to sign up for more work Jesus fucking Christ the other two girls were great the server and the one that came in who's interested in going to Switzerland but the two on the side it's like fucking all they do is watch all the time and then maybe they'll give you a brief glance it's like fuck you Jesus this is Minnesota it's Minnesota my whole life even though I traveled in my 20s even though I've been here and there it's always been the sinner and it's always been the main problem and I had no idea this is not a new thing this is my biggest regret my biggest problem and as soon as I can sell one of my properties which coincidentally happens to represent the worst of Minneapolis symbolically and I didn't make this up it really does I'm not trying to force it I'm carrying this load and as soon as I can sell that I'm fucking getting a divorce from this fucking place a permanent fucking divorce. I'll still own property at least I plan to but you know who knows but the other property is fine I could probably live in Greece on the proceeds indefinitely although I can't afford to live on them here in the United States necessarily or live well but you know what financially I'm doing all right but the property I'm selling has a lot of variance so I don't know the other properties do not have that much variance and they do not give that much load so when I sell this fucking thing I'm getting a divorce from Minneapolis I just got to make this fucking sale But my bitching of a Minnesota is meaningful and I only realized it in the last year or so or less that it's been the main problem my whole life really it has that's not an exaggeration I've always been intelligent coherent driven hardworking and I actually get eye contact in other places I get connection no wonder this place gives nothing in the rest of the Midwest can be similar it can go both ways I haven't been to the whole Midwest but Chicago is pretty cool Wisconsin's pretty cool but the other places at least can go both ways so they're not ideal but they're much better than here but they can also be like here I don't belong here

winning here is still losing for the most part and less maybe you're winning in the extreme I don't know and losing somewhere else could still be winning if it's a nice place and I'm subsidizing other people's relationships I'm subsidizing other people's love when I provide them a good place and bear the load so they don't have to and sometimes even give them rent Grace it's like fuck oh when I talk to my friend today who is Christian. she tries to enforce my belief and all these Bible ideas like what is God trying to tell you he's not trying to fucking tell me anything Jesus Christ and she gets all sussed when I read the gospel of Thomas and quote that to her. it's difficult because she's a grounded friend and she works hard and she doesn't get what she deserves but she's copium. this is all copy him on her part and I kind of at least she answers my the phone I want to shake her faith though you know because there's too much copium and she tries to enforce this stuff on me. anyway she's from One of the stans actually, Russian heritage but she deserves better we all deserve better here this place is death this place is control this place is conformity this place is smallness it's invisible aggression not passive aggressiveness invisible Dominion or field constraints and a man just wants to grow and expand his spirit and he can try here but there's not a lot of opportunity and resonance Even if he's confident even if he has money even if he doesn't give a fuck they'll draw you in and they'll try to use you they'll try to categorize you according to their way at least I think that's what'll happen. They are married to the culture which means the cultures frames and good luck trying to get them out of that I'll try to pull you into theirs. I had the thought a while ago that like how much of the dating advice actually good dating advice pick up advice from the pass or present, The lay guide Ieven or whatever, how much of that is true but depends on or dependent on a supportive system where men were actually men desiring women and women realize that they would be desired by men and were open? how much did it depend on the background context being natural and reasonable?

I'll go ahead and say it I'm a slave now. I don't deserve to be a slave I don't think I always was a slave but I think I was set up to be one and they hooked me and I'm not free but I deserve to be free I'm intelligent I have a big spirit but too many little things coerced me and cornered me and deceived me and I'm not free so therefore I'm slave right now And I want to stop being a slave and I never want to be a slave again and now I know at least one way a man can be made a slave- And what a way. What a shameful way with the system doesn't even care it's not a man it's a system, It has no shame but many men don't have shame anyway

 

[odyseus]

I see what I'm going through. I see what I'm suffering. I've seen it before but this is greater resolution. I have a stack of loads on me. The things that load me wouldn't load someone else who fit in with the society. some of the things are like that. All the noise some people like that all the way people talk the way they're indirect. I don't call it passive aggressive I call it disguised aggression but for some people the culture is not a problem but a support but that's one form of load

I also have my real estate load - not general real estate but this one fucking property which is not itself deadly but I want to be gone from here I want motion progress

There's multiple things going on and that's fine for a while but I'm holding it all myself

I'm not trying about this weight although I will say that I'm not getting commiserate reward for it. It just doesn't make sense it's a bad deal

What I really want to stress is that it feels right now here in the back that the load comes down on me and different forms and it forms like a point in my gut. it's like a point load. I've been learning geometry and calculus and vector calculus. Euclid talks about points. I feel it right now it forms a point a deep sharp point. there's this guy outside my window talking to this girl. I don't necessarily want to hear their conversation. he sounds like a douche but I guess he's gay I didn't realize at first. anyway I was trying to have a peaceful bath but anyway that's just an example There's too much load. this place is not made for me therefore I'm not winning in this situation but I'm carrying load subsidizing other people

There's just too much load too little support too little reward.

And I'm not complaining here I'm diagnosing

And every day I do load management try to make sure I get rid of the internal load or the internalized load which is tension faster than it loads on me and sometimes it comes in a stream- The Junior coworker holding a meeting too long demanding I do this and that with a matter of fact voice

In fact the things which are heaviest to me are the things which have certainty in their voice nonchalantly or even in their sounds like the sound of a thud. A thud has so much certainty. whether it's a stomping foot or sometimes I hear something that sounds like a lead ball dropping but it could be a pipe or something when I'm in the bath and it just all this stuff this noise the sirens the horns the engines they have so much certainty and so much mass in them and those are the things which irritate me but also the steady speech that is commanding- Even if it is not meant for me not directed at me this is what I don't want to be subject to you know not too much of especially when I'm emerging and trying to think a thought. There's just so much load

and sometimes during the workday I have a stream of it it comes and goes in cycles but sometimes five things are stacked in sequence and I can't get the relaxation and then a personal thing happens and then I can't clear it faster than it comes and it just irritates me but it happens in my gut but that's the situation I'm in and no love either because they don't look you in the eye here unless they're from outside of here

and reward functions are different. I haven't focused on this enough but I saw this guy yesterday at the tea shop. this white dude with short hair he comes in and sits down in front of me fine let's see what he's about he looks like he could be a businessman trying to make a sail or something or at the end of the day or a manager or maybe a student but anyway he sits down and this Asian girl Southeast Asian kind of overweight big smile smiley let's call her big smiley sits down across from him. I don't mean to judge anything But just for transparency and clarity here she was not a hot Asian. she is probably a six at best but anyway I don't normally talk like that so sue me. anyway they talked for a long time and I didn't listen I had a headphones on so I could tune everything out I had no idea what they were talking about I still thought maybe it's a sail or a managerial role

at one point I got curious and I took him off just for like 20 seconds. he was talking and he was happy like he was like she was happy and he was happy he was being rewarded and that's the point that's why I brought this up He's getting a reward function dopamine and it's hard to resist people on their path when they're getting reward for it or when they think it's the moral duty which is kind of getting moral reward moral dopamine but that's not here but I'm just saying it's hard to resist people who feel moral about something or who are getting a reward from something which is something I necessarily wouldn't get any reward for And I can explain why Minnesota is tuned the way it is why the people are the way they are why they act the way they do.

turns out he was talking to her about how much money America gave Egypt or something I don't know something weird like that and so therefore like and he didn't mean this in their cruel way but like it's exactly kind of that passive aggressive even though he had a smile kind of a disguised aggression some girls should make an accommodation for him about something. not a business thing just a personal life thing he has a right to something cuz his government our government I guess gave the country $20 million or something. I wasn't really listening. maybe it was billion but I don't know I wasn't really listening and I only listened briefly but it was kind of local boy thinking with expat energy big swinging dick but then the price was not that good to begin with but he's happy so whatever.

look it's not my world. I definitely don't get rewards here. when I was in Montreal and Austin both times two gorgeous young blonde women just looked at me just looked me in the eye like a horny predators in a good way like in a flattering spiking way but like so maybe it is my world somewhere but not here but I need to escape here and I need to sell something to escape here but I think people who are even interested move slow. this is more ethnography.

here's some more sociology: I had another person refused to give me a number even though I said I'm very flexible and I won't be offended but he was less rude than the last one but ghosted again like just tell me what you'll pay $50,000 I don't care $40,000 just give me a fucking number like fucking dude like what's the fuck. Chat says that they're not listening to you they're running templates in their mind well just listen to the fucking person in front of you

But I do have a more interested person a more interested party And here's what I'm not sure as Minnesota or not but I think it might be. people move fucking slow. people miss the deadlines they impose on themselves I'll get back to you on Friday well it's Saturday and she didn't get back and that's already 3 weeks later but they are moving steady forward but I want to call her and see okay just what's the likelihood of us closing on a deal if the price is right like I just want to know is the greater than 50%. their son was interested in the place and they grew up in the place way back when actually so they know the building. I'm going to ask her to call me and I just want to get a sense of the likelihood before I can go to plan B or something because God damn it this is so fucking frustrating but here's the thing I think it's another part of Minnesota culture maybe that people move slow and that also irritates me it's like let's fucking go here. Yes I think it is Minnesota- because the fucking HELOC banker moved so slow the fucking eviction process moved so slow. if nothing else changes but people move a little fucking quicker that would be a huge win so I think that's sociology. people even think slow here I think I really do. They stutter a lot- no that's not true they don't stutter verbally But they do hesitate a lot it's like come the fuck on. They hesitate in traffic oh can I go through the stop sign or not like just fucking go you fucking god damn it but once in a while you have someone race through changing lanes. I think the slowness is a sociological fact about this place and that also irritates me because that's also kind of a friction point kind of a bond kind of a lock that locks me in here and it irritates me because this is what I'm trying to escape the very thing I'm trying to escape is the very thing that locks me in here it's like come the fuck on let's fucking go here I'm carrying all this fucking weight in my brain like my whole brain my whole nervous system is trying to carry this load to move it forward the fucking pieces won't fucking move on the board it's like fucking are they frozen or what I'm using literally my whole fucking system here My whole spine my whole brain My whole neocortex my whole fucking skin my whole fucking body my whole fucking free time I'm trying to move this goddamn thing onward and forward I'm patient I've waited so fucking much My whole life growing up too I've had to wait. My mother always put me in these waiting patterns for stuff when she was doing stuff and I don't think that's healthy either it's like goddamn what they're trying to this is what I mean indirect aggression. maybe it's not aggression to them and they do definitely have their forms of disguised aggression which they call passive aggressiveness but this is a form of aggression to me as I process it it's like let's fucking go here I'm trying to move things forward let's move it along here God damn it.

let's move this fucking thing along come on or at least give me fucking certainty. take 3 months if you want but at high certainty that we're going to close you know or speed one of the two goddamn it or whatever or people just throw up prices they're so fucking cowards They have such little fucking balls here really they're afraid of the risk of whatever social risk or whatever the fuck I'm talking about grown men too and also they're running templates they're not listening when I say it hi they think I said how are you when I say Happy New Year they think I said how are you it's like fucking be fucking present in the moment but they're not present in the moment here they're not you can tell they're not they're running a fucking template as Chat called it And as long as they do this stupid stuttery slow shit I'm carrying the whole weight of this place with my nervous system and wasting time and bearing any load that comes from somewhere else like work I'm carrying all this That's what's frustrating I'm carrying it because of their culture because of how slow they are and whatever I don't know how I can maximize the gain from this like silver lining wise- like how is this supposed to make me stronger What am I supposed to find through this lesson

My friend I called my friend yesterday from church and she's just like copium. she's quoting all these verses to me trying to enforce an interpretation trying to enforce a model of the world- God trying to signal something to me or whatever and as soon as my mind caves at caves and I lose something and I don't want to lose that thing this is part of the aggression system of the culture too this is part of the funnel or its own funnel when culture funnels you here and I don't want it just be honorable to me just be fucking but she can't cave because that gets rid of her copium. I quoted the gospel of Thomas and she got all alarmist so you can tell there's anxiety in there and it's like everyone wants to break my will. They don't really but they want to make copies of themselves just like The matrix just like they talked about. when shark and bad boy talked about this stuff years and years ago, I said it before and I'll say it again cuz truth is always worth repeating They didn't understand Minnesota. there are two cultures of matrices. there are those that the seeing guy can escape from and there are those that the seeing guy is bound by Or it takes an inordinant amount of strength. I noticed those invade like those guys Eastern European guys had a lot of guy friends but people don't unify here either that's another thing. I wanted unified and connect and I blamed myself for not being able to do it but that's another fucking cultural thing and it all fucking forces individualism unless it's collective altruism it's like fuck you God damn it what the fuck this is spiritually tough and I could have left I could have started a life elsewhere that would have been the easiest play but I didn't do that I traveled and I came back and that's my error as I describe above that's my biggest life error because I didn't realize how much of a matrix this was and that there is types of matrices. There's locking matrices with forces around them forces cultural forces and even if those forces don't exist there's just no good fruit no available fruit It all goes inside of its shell when you approach it or try to show life to it or try to flirt or anything so even if you're free technically there's nothing here worth taking or having almost. it's all so fucking conditional. That's what a lot of people don't understand Place fucking matters

But anyway I just want to move this fucking thing forward so I'm carrying it with every bit of my nervous system that I can it's like fucking move fucking let's fucking close this thing let's fucking move it I can't travel I can't vacation technically I can break away and it might be good but I don't want to out of pride - I have my pride too

so this place is bonding me and I want to be unbonded and I'm doing everything I can think of to loosen the bonds I've been patient I've been focused I'm trying to loosen these goddamn bonds but they don't fucking loosen I'm trying to use as much force and creativity as I fucking can trying to discharge the load that builds everyday but more keeps coming it's like when is this going to fucking give

I've never been arrested I don't do real crime but I imagine what would happen if I do get arrested and I appear psychotic when I'm really clear-minded and overwhelmed and that's a fear of my that's a real fucking fear of mine this place is evil The fact that it wouldn't reward it sons with beautiful women not even me but others means this place is headed downhill its sick And you guys could have probably told me that just looking at it looking at the politics and stuff and I don't even care about the politics but it's correlated to stuff I care about but I thought I could be stronger I thought it didn't matter I thought whatever but you guys would have probably seen it right away or maybe because I was as strong as I am I thought I could plow through it I don't know whatever

I came up with the word God of the gradients about my friend yesterday.
We all move according to life's gradients kind of but she ascribes every gradient to God's will. it's always God's will. well technically maybe it is but what good does it do thinking that way? They don't think in terms of systems like I do because they're already thinking within a system that governs everything they'll think and I'm just trying to fucking break out of this fucking system and be a thinker and all my time is wasted I never can almost leave the fucking house because I'm always fucking drawn here trying to process the load And my head so I can leave free and fucking clear. I just want this place to give me an exit

I JUST WANT THIS PLACE TO GIVE ME AN EXIT I JUST WANT THIS PLACE TO GIVE ME AN EXIT I JUST WANT THIS PLACE TO GIVE ME AN EXIT

A REAL EXIT A REAL FUCKING GOOD EXIT NOT A CHEAP EXIT. I'LL LOSE MONEY ON THE EXIT BUT NOT A MORALLY INSULTING EXIT I WANT PRIDE I WANT TO EXIT I'M BETTER THAN THIS PLACE SO MUCH SO. IT'S GOT ME ON THE FUCKING TECHNICALITY IT'S GOT ME ON A HYENA GROUP ZOMBIE FUCKING CONTROLLING SYSTEM. IT'S EVIL TO ME IT'S EVIL

evil might be relative but it's disgustingly evil to me. it's inverted and it's sick

But early at the beginning I felt the series of loads bear down on me right on a point in my gut- The kind of stuff that's so sharp it's hard to process it's hard to diffuse it's like fuck sake dude this is why I'm exhausted this is why I'm fatigued. now it's quiet but oftentimes at the end of the day after I processed a lot of stress or even in the middle of the day after I process a lot of normal stress that everyone has load whatever from work from business then you don't even get noise you get more banging it's like fuck sake now it's quiet but it's like Jesus fucking Christ can I come alive here for a fucking second

too much load and it's psychological load it's psychologically disruptive. it's not disorienting cuz I'm strong enough to stay oriented but it's aggravating and it's blocking otherwise and it just rides on top of you it's like fucking let's move this fucking thing forward already Jesus fucking Christ it's like this place is doing it on purpose. I don't think it is but it's like people are trying to get revenge on me for trying to leave it's like the soft communism you can't fucking leave but I can't leave and I will leave- fuck this place. I will remember. One of my jobs is to be clear enough to remember to burn this in my mind. The longer it forces me to stay the more I will remember this evil fucking place. it's almost like it constantly tries to break you but why doesn't it break its fucking self I did not consent to any of this treatment so it forces me to learn to use force the legal force that can be done in this kind of legalese system but anyway use all the force I can

I'm trying to get to my forebrain my frontal cortex My gut my spine my coccyx my sacred my muladhara. maybe that's the lesson. I saw something the other day

By meditating thus on Her who shines within the Mūlādhāra Chakra, with the luster of ten million Suns, a man becomes Lord of speech and King among men, and an Adept in all kinds of learning. He becomes ever free from all diseases, and his inmost Spirit becomes full of great gladness. Pure of disposition by his deep and musical words, he serves the foremost of the Devas.

That's what I'm talking about. this place is under me and it wills to be under me it wants to be under me it wants to serve But it can only serve according to its programming according to its nature. it's very hard and slow and long to train someone out of their nature from childhood so I need to assume the power. I don't love it to be clear but I must govern it from the position of power. it loves to be governed by me But only according to its nature. I don't love it but it loves me. It either wants to consume me and make me one of its own or for me to govern it. It won't evict me it won't let me go it holds me so if I govern it first then I can force myself away from it. you got to make the system submissive here because the system is a bitch but even if I do that it still doesn't have what I want it doesn't give me the reward I need but give me ugly personalities

I don't know the above was just rambling speculation maybe there's truth in it. honestly though it doesn't let you leave easily It doesn't let you move forward easily. everything about here is the fucking quicksand and I think that's because they know they don't have value so they must force people to stay they must freeze people otherwise they would have to give higher value. it's like anti competitive business practices.

I'm going to get closer today if I can. I'm going to ask her on the phone what her degree of certainty is that we're going to close. not so bluntly but that's what I'm going to find out and then if not I'm going to contact the original seller and see if it'll take it back at what I paid for it or something and get this fucking thing done. every fucking time when I wait for someone nothing happens every time I force things forward there's a lot of resistance but sometimes it goes but you can't fucking wait for people even if it seems advantageous to be patient. That's the reason why I waited it seemed advantageous to be patient but they always fucking shit on you. It still is technically advantageous to be patient as long as they come through but they never fucking come through do they. fucking clowns this whole fucking place is a bunch of fucking clowns and retards. I mean that not as down syndrome but as people who are retarded delayed stunted in ordinary aspects of life. They are delayed. it's hard to convince me otherwise. there is a system in the logic to the system that makes sense in a way sometimes for certain optimization targets safety security whatever but the net effect is that many people are delayed and irrespective of the system many people are slow and delayed. It fosters this it produces this it rewards this it attracts this energy this type of people. My tenant. this is Load I shouldn't have to bear and I'm going to get rid of it And this explains my mind a lot now and why it sounds so crazy and repetitive. this has been going on for the better part of a year or even two years depending on how you want to define it but November really showed me the distinction between Austin and here and I can't bear it I don't deserve it I deserve so much better so let's make it happen

 

[odyseus]

i blunder in chess but that's because capacity is limited and has to do so much. gotta train the mind but the training process has to be complete and it takes time and humility. anyway there are more important things than chess

the world forecloses. i have a fear of being foreclosed on- not literally although who knows- i do have real estate holdings.

the world, its entropy, its lions are always willing to foreclose and encroach.

an image just popped in my mind- the girl by one's side. thats rare- these days

it is sun morning. i don't plan to drive anywhere to read as usual because i dont want to drive in traffic. i am still a slave, in bondage, on call. i will stay in my neighborhood. i have work tomorrow. weekday weekend what's the difference? i am working to my exit- a physical exit springing from a financial exit but meanwhile i have so much to spiritually absorb and neuter. things to swallow with my spirit and flesh. the world would foreclose on spirit if it could. maybe it can and does when one gets compromised. attachment is a risk factor, an attack vector but not bad in itself. i am feeling weighed down by forces in my belly and such but the aim is to be high in my chest but grounded. the next generation is so loaded, with cultural bullshit and little support. america and europe has been getting foreclosed on, and why? english women have been good to me but britain started a lot of shit. protestantism. anyway .. the main moral defect i think the individual can have is not knowing themselves, and dwelling in poverty. Socrates himself said all failings were caused by ignorance

minnesotans smile .. procedurally. they think it is the token or the finished good, the passkey as if i care about a fake or performative smile. i realized that. it makes my tenant Cs dumbass high looking smile make sense when he was behind rent or maybe paid up. i dont know. he's not my friend. it made this conventionally attractive but uptight woman's smile make sense yesterday at the market. i like a present face even a flat face but they think they are delivering. like that little puppy that has been overtrained, thats what they're doing. some have said people in the modern world are oversocialized. locals are especially oversocialized

forces try to force my lips to curl. field effects are real. cultures run- at least to a high degree- on fields- social fields as well as the implicit tacit set of what is punished and what is neutral and what is praised. punishing or imposing cost on what the system doesn't want but keeping neutral what it does want forces those present to think it is of their own accord and identify with the act, the choices.

choices. choices are imposed on us by life.

go nowhere. stay home and the world in motion will come at you

i just want to be grounded

i don't know if this is true but i love the krisna like smile- half smile accepting and knowing and also that same smile in the Magus book and movie

By meditating thus on Her who shines within the Mūlādhāra Chakra, with the luster of ten million Suns, a man becomes Lord of speech and King among men, and an Adept in all kinds of learning. He becomes ever free from all diseases, and his inmost Spirit becomes full of great gladness. Pure of disposition by his deep and musical words, he serves the foremost of the Devas

i know at least one will act as a sovereign, not under compulsion, agitation, restlessness, irritation except perhaps outwardly. one will control one's impulses, to the degree one is grounded in it. it is deep it seems. it hides. it is concealed if not locked. the world has gates. the paths of the world are conditional.

I'm listening to A whole new world song by one Peyton Parrish, a rock version. i posted on nextdoor, a griping post and this woman reached out to me. shes a medic and she's cute. we chatted. she sent a pick. shes over by iran. I'm not expecting anything. if i am thats a risk factor but i thought id share. she was asking what i look for and stuff

i said stuff like loyal, smart, naughty, a little dirty

but I'm trying to not get foreclosed on psychologically. it is harder here because there is no social support. the values differ critically. bikers joggers protestors and religiously protestant and i have nothing against them but they spent all their stats on that. they are drained and closed for anything else- presence, flirtation, reproduction

omg fertility

the world is in a fertility crisis and not just physically but spiritually psychologically

people like their gayphones more than the other sex

i hate my phone- strong ambivalence but for work i am compelled to keep it and otherwise like now I don't have many options but i hate the thing. sometimes i throw it to the ground and kick it around. i don't want to hold it. i want to put it in its place, as a servant

i have to imbibe ellul- the technical society. i guess people aren't into the classics the same and here's the key to the classics. they're about war and the key to war is it is about force. history is a train wreck- the past is already committed but the future is not yet locked in- or maybe it is. maybe it is but who can see? who can predict and what should one do with predictions? the easiest way to predict the future is to cause it. "history will be kind to me for i intend to write it" - winston

but for me now atomically all we can do is absorb what comes and metabolize it and know our position. its like "know your place" but lets call it position and make it variable but yes we do have to know and account for our position

its also the era of networks i think or maybe super networks or mass morals and understandings but it has been the era of networks to date recently - since urbanization especially and the tech ramp up (industrial revolution through the 20th century). networks control things- harvard grad class. they control the choke points but what controls networks? anyway disproportionality is how things are but ut only takes one jesus one socrates one confucious to effect great change and if ovid would have been more discreet he would have enjoyed life more but then he wouldn't then have been ovid. oh Sebastian. (that's greek for Augustus)

debt is being incurred by thousands (of students). bonds are being created. pledfes and legally binding bonds. debt is not one thing. it is an enforceable set of agreements. it is a binding mechanism. i brought that up in passing. millions are smiling ironically or learning to do so. the world's karma is unfolding. i liken it to a flywheel, that I'm trying to stop

blessed is he who has gone to a lot of trouble. they have found life

from the same that talks of rest- and motion and rest as the sign

legal systems and courts and bars and city councils exist. I'm trying to zoom out and float up- as an extraterrestrial sociologist.

but what angers me the most is when bondage is heavily induced- coerced and induced by strong forces, strong arms, big lies, fake social proof and concensus and fake promises and assurances- big carrots, big sticks and fake or curated ambience

but if one "sins" - so be it but the biggest sin is self ignorance. when you know yourself you will know much else and the blame function will shift, away from the self. the self will unsplit and you will discover the world to be a corpse

I'm btw learning about the history of the cia and the mob, luciano and lansky and others. the 20th century was both the century of the mob and of "intelligence", including all the ops of which i know little but i know it was their bread and butter. i know the cold war gave them cover- old karl marx who might have actually been an intellectually honest thinker it turns out. who knew but in any case anything can be used, by power or in his words by capital but by power. communism gave them cover, an enemy to fight and it also trained us the masses, through many media including social media- no not that. the original social media- talking to your neighbors, coworkers, churchmen and so on -- but also through that new thing called the television set.

i don't want to be profound- at least not too profound. thats a hard life, but i want to be free- to consolidate and be free and exit. it is hard to see and accept one's position on the board- and one must- but one's spirit is infinite. it is capped artificially but one can infinitely grow and develop it. it is not easy but one can. i hate the time wasted here but mostly i want to exit and remember and move on-- to new great adventures that i can't even predict.

 

[odyseus]

evil world evil claw evil lies almost nobody wins there are always lying strings attachedalmost everyone gets defrauded or clawed back. ovid got exiled. john kuriaku spent 15 years for the cia- got charged with something and i think had to spend all his savings defending himself. I don't know the details I hardly know anything about him I only heard him just now on YouTube. I recognize his face but the pattern is the same. the system uses you, pays you and claws back. it lies, omits and makes false promises

my eyes are opening and my third minds eye but the world system archons do everything in their power to close it, make it drowsy, fatigued

other people drift. i am held up. my whole life i have been dependent on slackers and betrayers- my mother, my father didn't give their natural love and loyalty and i am talking about effort. even now- my mother killed her moserable self. my father won't help my sister- even worse he yanked what she was receiving back. my brother and father before i heard from her concern trolled me- she was wasting money. i know enough. i love to see them anxious. i love to see people squirm. people are not decent. good people need to be in positions of authority, in command of force. i saw a video of ivan the terrible defeating a host of thousands of the hoard. this is not a xenophobia thing. they burned cities and regularly took slaves. i don't know if ivan was a tyrant- terrible means fearsome but one has to use force. in chess if i miss attacks- mis skewers or checkmates it gives my enemy chances to mate me. i am trying to defend and build my defenses

anyway this lady is drifting. people are time wasters. the word in law is induce reliance and technically thats not the same but it feels like a pin. let me move forward. my brain is heating. i expand. thats what i do. anyone in my fourplex next door can deal with my noise. i am so fucking sick of waiting and chasing. people don't keep their word and i am talking about communication and promises. it adds load- great paychological load. its enforcement on me by default drifting mass. I AM NOT THE SUFFERING SERVANT OF THIS SYSTEM. I WILL GIVE THE SYSTEM BACK TO ITSELF AT A LOSS IN ORDER TO REMOVE ITS LEVERAGE FROM ME BUT I AM NOT ITS SERVANT. FUCK THESE STRUCTURES- NOBODY HAS A BRAIN. excuses excuses when did i become low priority for everybody? i hate hate hate. isaiah still hasn't paid a dime- licensed plumber he's getting evicted but that wasn't even on my mind

I HATE THIS CITY.

I'm not blaming the world yet. its not fair to blame the world for one city

my legs are opening

my muscles get so tense in these moments my left hip or side cramps. drifting on someone is abandoning them. get their head in the game lets fucking go. MRG for 6 months didn't get me a single fucking offer. pathetic

people are pathetic here, people are let downs. they expect me to carry. I'm calling jim seeing if he'll take it back. this system is coercive. muladhara- bullshit

people ask you to buy their excuses- manny the manchild can't even pay 700 in several months (roomate and assistance paid the rest). can't even speak in complete sentences. i "dissolved" a friendship with one jenny ive known for ten years cause she had such a problem communicating, lining up and confirming plans. she'd just gotten divorced i guess. it didn't last long. i know it is minnesota. other people-- SPECIFIC PEOPLE but people in general are waiting for me but this place is bonding me to it. this place and my parents and my friend marina who tried to impose protestant theology on my mind and lived experience don't believe in freedom. these are the funnels ive always been living around

i hooked up with a girl in college. she was czech and visiting. i fucking hardly got any from the native Minnesotans. i had studied abroad junior year so sr year didn't have a roommate lined up- i decided to live in the international center with a random roomate- a Mexican guy with a gf, nice guy quiet guy. i liked living there but he was annoyed i wanted him to leave/made him leave when i had that girl for that one night. it could have been one other time when i did have a local girl that i fingered. one of the two. i guess luis or whatever his name was told on me (for what-- I didn't do anything wrong except perhaps request or demand some privacy at last) and i had to speak to housing or whatever

i was a senior with decent grades and no problems. the fat fuck- really he was a blimp- wasn't angry at me. he was patronizing. these are close to his words "shes going to be someone's wife someday" - that is the girl i slept with or fingered

i want to stress he was FAT and the low T kind where his front is also bloated

you can't make this up

later on i think independently, years later i did think, under background Christian influence, that anyone i sleep with will bring that to marriage--- if they even get married

i dont know man

molly, who apparently married and had a baby died early. she liked me but many who liked me - we could not close. the chemistry wasn't there. the attraction was but i think the problem was in retrospect they were too procedurist

it seems universal bc its a recurring experience but i think its minnesotan

the lady Michelle who is my strongest lead for a sale messaged. She'll be available in 2 hours. its not that I'm impatient. its that first she's already missed deadlines and second if I don't force will likely make me low priority in her mind and get forgotten

the one thing i want to know on the phone with her-- because she has a list of questions shes building- detailed which i appreciate but my one single question is if the price is right, whats the likelihood that this will close. i want to get a degree of certainty. i am willing to chop off thousands. she thinks it needs a new roof? fine take 10k. new xyz take 20 more, we good? but just degree of seriousness but even then everything is tentative. i will call Jim tomorrow even if she's 75 percent and I'll say if it hasn't closed with her by july will you take it?

this is a constrained system

i am proactive
what frogs can i eat?
what can i do what stops can i pull that I'm not pulling?
i can sell it back for 30k- a huge loss but freedom. that's a HUGE loss like fire sale territory but i could be free but i have time for that (before winter).

winter is an arbitrary deadline but I don't want to be a slave here forever. i will still have funds, equity, cash flow from work and my other properties. this is me sawing off my leg

abandonment is real. my dad abandoned my sister. systems use force. i heard fuentes got 500k stolen from his bank by the feds. in the united states. kuriaka got charged. i don't know the details but he gave service, risked his life. theres no thanks after someone is used. the united states is like other countries that are decried-- it is just ironic about it. it just gasses the people. hubris.

omg I'm really a slave

i have nobody
my so called free time is tainted and encumbered
in my own home I'm not even totally free

a lot of people in this city really are gender neutral. i don't care, more power to them but i wanna see some of my own people. I'm starving. the little there is gets weaponized and rationed as if they are all that

my nervous system carries this load and this is a sunday

my head throbs

the system wants us to record this as normal and commit this to the mental model of the way things are but i feel my head throb. i cannot make things tie out. more likely its a set of rulers and archons and networks and unhealthy optimization functions- a corpse. i have to reject this all in its foundations. studying economics at "college" didn't give me insight or awareness. it gave me rhetoric to apologize for the way things were, and a stamp of approval that i reject

i am trying to exit (orderly, while covering my rear guard). that gives me certain rights doesn't it? in a divorce one isn't bound by all the ordinary duties. stop enforcing your lies and programs on me. let me be. stop dumping on my nervous system turning me into a monster. I'm not a monster. i have to stay on here because this is one thing that releases load

this has been my whole life mostly. i never had a truly fair environment with support

i need to separate, paychically. i have nothing to do with most people. it is their world but there is still surface area. i do not like spinning plates for this place. i do not like my father. i do not like my these bonds. they came on me. i was just living one step at a time and somehow the bonds got attached to me. it is not me to carry everybody without reward. a true hero lays down such a burden even if people suffer (and they won't) so he can pick up a burden that rewards him

i recognize in retrospect that i am up against basically the entire built system- university and uni finance system, medical system etc but I'm mostly just a passerby. heres a case where I'm bonded. i am trying to break the bonds. i have been patient. it has tried my patience as they say. it is not healthy. it is not even safe as i get the desire to smash things. i am not their suffering servant with a gay ironic smile. I'm trying to emerge higher and fuck harvey specter and mike ross,, two characters from a show. they are insufferable prigs

if I wasn't trying to emerge i suppose i could just take some copium but i can't anymore because of timing

when I'm not well sometimes my body and bones will start to vibrate and come alive. that's rare though. the world thinks it controls the board, the whole board. people will see and are seeing that it lied but what then? generations always repeat the folly. i am trying to observe the world and have memory- that is with self reflexive continuity. we'll see i guess what she says at 4

she's still talking to me- her husband and son. i will sell for cheap if it cones down to it. please let her like my personality and not hate me so she wants to spite me even at the expense of a good deal.

lets close in a month. let me be free. by june 1. it would be paradise and I'll kinda try for a better sales price but maybe I'll decide to never second guess or reflect. if i lost 80k from what i put in it was a loss leader for those that make money - although if those turn on me .... but its also buying a better life, preventing loss of more years

why does Minnesota have to be so dead? it is just dead. it is just a dead land. it is the most soulless in every dimension, nook and cranny of life. its deadness permeates.

 

[odyseus]

i hate this fucking city more thann anyone can know, and writing out said hate is sometimes the only thing that helps me calm. its what the scribes did about babylon and look at how many stupid people hate that fine city, when assyria was worse

i hate this place. it keeps me from who i love and who loves me- what cultures and even specific people, and it threatens to taint me, to embitter me to life.it certainly tries. fucking flake skipped the call. at 4. i don't expect bettee but when she calls I'm gonna let her have it

I'm calling jim tomorrow

evil people stealing sanity treating you like trash but I'm not. i did nothing wrong ever pretty much. sade is right- virtue is punished but I don't want to be coerced by a wicked world. i want to do things right and win- strike terror in people. at least I don't close

i dont get out for the weekend, I'm wickedly bonded to this damn city my place gets trashed but those aren't the metrics. fuck your metrics, my metric is my soul integrity and its high. this world is psycho. the muladhara all the way is key. the muladhara can be felt/activated and a man is calm, or a man is furious or any combination. it doesn't speak to mindstate

i have hate and disgust in my soul. the bond. reliance. broken trust and reliance/dependence. i am reading so many books. they help me build a model of the world but the model is useless if you can't get people you can rely on, if dependencies are weak. this attacks my gut hard. false. people are false and they are cowardly here and i would leave but i have a bond. i am trying to cut that bond. in order to cut said bond i do things in what seems like the best sequence to me and that involves or involved patience, longsuffering and living with tension to the degree i still thought it best but not only did i in good faith accomodate them- not because i am a nice guy because i am not that but because my inner computer thought it could be best. dont push people. it is a big purchase but she flakes on her own stated times. i don't know how it will happen but if she calls i am going to bring this up. men here are too chicken shit to name a price because they think it will be too low. they have no balls. the women wre flakes. this system is sick. their own committments get violated. I'm not stupid- I'm just stuck- in the system because of the system. it paralyzes me. i can't eat I can't sleep I can't go out. i have to resolve this inner tension deep in my coccyx my sacrum which is a cancer. i have to resolve this tension. my friend tries to enforce protestant theology on me- not just theology but mind and spirit capture, an interpretive grid. my friend jenny makes 300k but can't be bothered to confirm drinks. this is ... what? what is this? what's the name of this? what do you call this? I'm not flinchingvas much in my body my shoulders. I'm feeling everything trying to remember and register everything. everything is systemic force here. shark and badboy talk about a matrix but here it is not just taught it is enforced. i evicted someone and i see how his attorney keeps pushing. delay the writ, more time more time. assistance covered future months (it did not, as specified by the assistance letter of guarantee). how pathetic. HAVE THEY NO SHAME???! i know chat just says its a different operating system and a mismatch and that's true but chats a pussy on this kind of stuff.

about EVERY HOPE IS VIOLATED and by hope i mean expected reciprocation or honoring

THE WORLD THINKS I'M ITS DUMSTER HERE or its buffer its shock absorber for free

i am not and i am peacing out but i have a bond.

the question is not "why do people lie" but how can they get in a position to lie without consequence or immediate consequence and then choose to take advantage of that, or drift, and how did i get exposed to this type of person? i do not belong associating with this type but a bond. i know the gradients that moved me into this position because i lived them and i acted heroically but the system here has a place for heroes. it tries to capture them but I didn't consent. that's what fills me with hate. their whole think is not being hated, not being liable. they use plausible deniability and irony as a shield but like menalaus in the film i smash their shield. i don't need a shield, i just have my sword and I'll smash it and rip it off them. they never fooled me. i only want fair dealings

i don't know what to do about this tension in my body. its 517pm

Hi! I should have an update a list of questions for you Friday [did not happen friday or even yet], we had to run up north to help my mom at her lake place.
- I am used to looking at things in an Excel sheet format with history and rent roles, utilities, capital improvement occurs on that kind of thing so I’m just trying to piece together the story
- it needs a new roof soon
- also getting bids for the garage / deck above idea
I think it would benefit a great deal with some outdoor living space .
I also think that would be necessary to get my son in there

okay yeah just let me know. i am just looking forward to the next chapter of my life and this is the one thing standing in my way but you're right about everything. I'll watch for a message friday [thumbs up]

Hi! Apologies, I just saw this. I was taking care of some kids today and heading out now for mother’s Birthday. I’m available tomorrow!

okay call me tomorrow!

let me know when you're available

Just leaving brunch with my mom after church- sorry! How about 4 pm I’ll have her home by then

4 is good. call me [thumbs up]

is now still a good time?[430]

All I wanted to do in a phone call was figure out one question - how certain is this to close if price is not an issue. if she has all these issues roof and stuff fine take the money I'll pay you whatever the fuck just how likely are we to get this fucking thing across the line are you just jerking my cock or are you fucking serious? That's my one question I have I'm trying to move this goddamn thing forward and I'm trying to get a fucking conversation and everything is withholding from me. I'm not trying to do everything God damn it I hope she burns in hell I hope everyone fucking burns in hell for their sins. They need to suffer people need to suffer and I hope they are suffering. I hope everyone suffers who deserves it and if I deserve it let me suffer too as much as I deserve honestly let me suffer how much I deserve and I can give people grace when they meet me They don't even meet you They don't have humility They don't have honor they don't have humility They don't have decency They don't. They are very very hard to love very very hard to respect but you're forced to do business with them that's the shitty ass part of it which is why I'm leaving but there's this fucking bond. I don't deserve to be bonded to this place it's not right, and yet I am


I HATE THIS CITY TO ITS CORE TO MY CORE. IT IS FALSE. IT IS FALSE. IT IS FALSE. IT IS FALSE. IT IS FALSE JUST LIKE MY SPERM DONOR. HES NOT A FATHER. THE ONLY REASON HE GOT MY MOTHER IS HE CHECKED THE BOXES AND THEY HAD A MN INVERTED LIKE RELATIONSHIP

HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LIFE OR RELATIONSHIPS. THATS JUST THE TRUTH YET HE WANTS A SEAT AT THE TABLE. THAT CANNOT BE.

I AM LIKED IF NOT LOVED ELSEWHERE, TURKEY POLAND GERMANY ENGLAND JAPAN TEXAS CALIFORNIA TOO A LITTLE. HOW DO I OPEN HERE? WELL THATS THE PROBLEM- I AM TRYING TO OPEN HERE BECAUSE I AM HERE, AND I AM GIVEN TENSION, AND SO THE LOGICAL THING IS OPEN AND GROW AND YET THE MORE I DO THE BIGGER THE DIFFERENCE GETS WITH ME AND THIS PLACE

THIS PLACE OPPRESSES THE SPIRIT AND THE MIND AND IT KILLS ANYONE'S PRIDE. THAT MAY BE A GOOD THING IN THE END OR MAYBE NOT. SAY I MOVE TO VENICE SOMEDAY OR WHATEVER,-- And by the way the fucking banker was slow as fuck The guy who said it was auto approved and had equity to pull out of he was so fucking slow at getting back to me holy shit and same with my friends it's like the fucking place it's not anyone fucking person-- SAY I MOVE TO TUSCANY OR VENICE OR WHEREVER- SHOULD I HAVE HEALTHY PRIDE THAT I DID REAL ESTATE OR WHATEVER? PRIDE IS AN ATTACK SURFACE. I DON'T WANT TO LACK PRIDE OR REPRESS MY GLORY BUT PRIDE AT WHAT I'VE PUSHED THROUGH?

WHY DON'T MY HIPS OPEN MORE? I JUST WANT TO BE OPEN AND HAPPY AND HEALTHY. IS THIS PLACE SET UP TO INDUCE MISERY? I'M TREATING THIS LIKE A RIDDLE AND WONDERING WHAT I AM MISSING. IF I DIDN'T HAVE A BOND I WOULD JUST BE GONE BUT AS I DO I HAVE TO PROCESS IT LIKE A RIDDLE. IT IS OVERLOAD. I DON'T KNOW MY FUTURE. THIS SITUATION THREATENS TO COLLAPSE ME BUT NOT DESTROY ME. THIS PLACE THRIVES OFF AMBIGUITY. MAYBE THAT'S THE RIDDLE. EVERY STRESSFUL- AND THIS DOESN'T EVEN FEEL STRESSFUL BUT IRRITATING- EVERY STRESSFUL SITUATION IS MEANT TO BE PROCESSED AND WORKED THROUGH TO BIRTH SOMETHING BETTER AS A RESULT

THERE ARE NATURAL DOPAMINE CHANNELS- GETTING LAID ETC AND THERE ARE CULTURAL. THIS SYSTEM TRIES TO IMPOSE CULTURAL CHANNELS AND I REFUSE AS IS MY RIGHT AND I TRY PURSUE THE NATURAL AND IT IS MORE THAN FRICTION- IT IS HEAD ON RESISTANCE AND THAT RESISTANCE IS TELLING. ITS WHAT KILLS THE IRONY AND SHOWS THE NAKED EMPEROR. I DO NOT CAVE. I GET INSULTED. I REPEAT THE SAME CURSED CYCLES AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN


look its not like a lot of people don't drink, don't become alcoholics, or today trans or fat- food is the new alcohol

I'm in the tub drinking water

there has always been pressure and equally other people choose religion or other copium. even extreme anything, lifting is copium. i thought in the past i was on track when i should have been receiving value then and there- love etc

so much falls and funnels to the muladhara but too many drink it away or eat it away. those things are not cosmic sins but distractions. the pressure is old. the pressures are old. i think i found the best way- bathe and water and try take it slow but not deny the reality of the problem. im entering a more peaceful phase of the current type of cycle I've been enduring but it will return. i will have violations. the system is strong. it also doesn't feel shame. my blocked biological father called me and left a meek vm. if i call back he just tries to draw me back into his frame. hes not a person hes a systems node. he has no humility. maybe his church and his bible readings are feeding him ideas. I'll stick with my body my compass. a boy with a gf in hs almost always has some level of support i think- or else he had to fight and learn to survive and became raw. i had pseudo. load from my family, emotional labor, forces emotional labor. i have never accounted for that but i see now the city here enforces the same. docility. they were aligned. my hometown could go either way but it was still midwest. fucking midwest fucking protestant. it doesn't mean you can't also have life.

paths feel guarded and or closed. like kings quest you have to figure out how to pass forward. many drink and maybe they buckle in other ways. i am trying to push this through against a very slow system, an unresponsive system.

i am trying to push through a slow system that loads me- work and noises- and violates my expectations and maintain my positive self image, even as one who is used

the DSM- i called it the BDSM - has categories. thats convenient both for billing and control and the courts and coincidentally certain personality types but there is often one condition- load- with multiple permitwtions, and one solution with permutations- handle the load. its just where something cracks or buckles

my muladhara. this deceitful world
often in films a person is in a position to decide or judge between people-- merchant of venice but they were the selectors-- but usually in life the one with discernment is not the one in the position.

its a mans prerogative to be a man but i guess the system started selecting for docility but it can be really enforced- via ostracism

back of my head hurts and that is what i want. that is lies leaving the body. we live in the psycho era. everything is so psychotoxic or enervating. the system tries to ride one. one can't speak to people or flirt with them just because they are beautiful because they are often untrue. sometimes the only thing one can be is in ones spine with open eyes. i love tywin. he makes people shudder. i like his presence- not necessarily his goals. i gained nothing today. michelle wasted the day on me. i force subsidized her best life (because I didn't have a better option). maybe people hate marx because he tells them bad news. tomorrow i will be forced to subsidize and support others, the company. my family had enough to point us to freedom. i resent systems having a plan for me. this is not a monarchy. they have no business drafting us to shoot brothers. i had to waste this the day and i have to process the signal. preventing my spirit from absorbind meaning. thats why I can't go out. it is extending myself too much when i need to give myself self care. it costs a lot. thats the point- this place crushes opportunity

when i went to croatia last dec i did some ethnography and observation. it was a very based and stable country. america is not stable. it is volatile. it is perhaps corporate stable- stable for capital. i don't know. i know just that it is not stable and people absorb that and then they look at me and see me as strong so they try to dunk on me or draw from me or maybe they wait to see when i am loaded and then try. living here has been like hosting a parasite for years and then when i realize the extent of it, trying to get it off and seeing how pernicious it is. i will give it back its field, at least the shit property and even at a loss and then my spirit will be freer. i am trying to hand it off. this country lied us into multiple wars and world wars and drafted its boys into it and sold them some pablum of democracy or some shit, some two party voting booth shit.. but even rockefeller wasn't free i dont think. why is everyone so fucking captured?

i don't want to do another cycle. i want to hang on to continuity of thought. i want to stay true and throw down load and then move and reconnect with the people who were waiting for me there or meet new ones. it is my right and this place is keeping me from it, by force in a way- by its version of force

i don't want more cycles of crazy and broken continuities. today was actually neighbor quiet but now hes creeking the floors. the world dumps on me but doesn't give me buffer or relationship. this is not real life. this is one corner of it, that i am held in but it is not all of life. the system expects me to adapt. see how strong of mind and frame i have? trump is a blusterer. what i say is true. i don't want more cycles. they hurt me. they hurt me in predictable ways. they fatigue me even though i do all i can.

 

[odyseus]

alright boys its time to put on ones thinking cap

given: im in a slave position, enduring continuous cycles with nobody capable to turn to-- my network is weak regardless of my individual stats and about that we also have to think long deep and hard as to the degree i delude myself, as well as the degree i lack necessary discipline, not in an enforced neo stoicism sort of way but in terms of not being able to get under my recurring problems or letting new ones emerge and not being able to force solutions. yeah its highly likely i have deep delusion and copium, again not in a man must be everything sort of way but in terms of pragmatics

but given my ring is weak or my circle. i have friends and they are even smart but we are not defending each other. we are each doing our own random things. i try to push for more closer tighter alliances

i know who had strong alliances in the past- those who fought the classic wars over the contested spaces but in the modern era in the technical urban society it is the gang. I'm not even coming at this bitching about conspiracy theory as much as "look they make alliances". it might be dangerous to make the wrong alliance but it is certainly wrong to have no alliances. my weak real eatate alliances crumble as i leave the church, organized religion but they were never much or that necessary. luciano allied with lansky. I'm not claiming to be an expert on these guys. i know little but i know that and also the cia allied with them. whether they continued to after ww2, I'm sure its clear they did but even if they didn't its enough to have once to permanently establish a kind of bond

this is what moves the world- groups, just like in chess

in chess you are the god of the pieces. they respond to you but you have to coordinate them for defense proper, for offense and for backup. one square off or one hanging piece or discovered attack while also being put in check and you can lose dominance and then all pieces start falling

as the god of the pieces i must learn more deeply how perception works and where it fails. hopefully I don't mind losing in general in a good game- and what is a good game but i do get emotional- neurological loser effect when i lose badly.

i was at 600 and i had a long run of losses and now I'm in the 400s. i don't care as much about score because its too low to have an ego about even if i was at 800 or 1000. the game review shows me winning in the majority of them well into middle or end game but I'm interested in the brain and what occurs, the snap or break low down there and the identity threat perhaps. maybe I don't have the right identity for myself and that is something i would like to explore very much and correct but i know the right identity is not being docile and accepting of inferiority. i know its a learned skill, building up patterns but i am curious both about perception failing. there are no material stakes in chess so i can use this as a springboard to self discovery- a lab. i have to know myself or i dwell in poverty. i want to know other people. i want to have a ring/group and also live in a culture, a society that resonates, that suits me. oh zeus it would be fun if i sold my bad property and even if i just collected 3k stably after management fees lived in lithuania and greece or between those. i could teach english again for side hustle and maybe write books or just live or whatever

do you know i was injured just before wriring this? i mean deeply in my brain. maybe i am chikdish but what does that mean? sonetimes unmanly but sometimes inconvenient for others, elders- that didn't help guide or provide anyway much. it is almost 11pm sunday so i might have to pull an all nighter. i have to heal. healing matters but this kind of healing and growing of mind and perception goes hand in hand with self deception and delusion. illusion of progress is e'er nearby

i had the thought a bit ago maybe at 500 i should play a string of games of 300 level. I'm not sure they allow that self selection but it makes me wonder maybe the system promotes one too soon. they don't get to refine their gameplay at a given level and also don't get the tin can effect if thats worth anything. they get a forced humbling. this is systems thinking. the platform is the house and it affects the mood and everything downstream of that. tgis is serious. maybe I shouldn't be playing with my cognitive load. i gave it up for 4 years because of this but i was doing bullet chess. games have actually been thrilling when ive done 30 minute each chess but lately I've done 10 minute chess

I'm a big believer in generalizing and not generalizing. sometimes I'm too slow to generalize and sometimes I'm too quick

anyway gradients

the personal computer- that thing of the mind or mind body chooses which way to go and also tries to get vision, and surplus. it obeys gradients but the gradients it comes up with but it comes up with some pretty obvious ones. its not stupid- it sees a man with a gun or a dark alley and it knows to factor that in. it has a salience detection or assignment function. i dont care if this is called the ras or whatever. i dont know and I don't care.

it lives in both a natural but even more in modern times a social cultural environment. i don't know what to do with this information right now but it was important when i started this message

so lets pivot to free writing
i when I'm suffering often default to processing and opening more deeply. i am trying to be alive and radiant but i guess i bring that up for your benefit. I'm not trying to be stoic but its always back to square one. i know austin is not a utopia but it is fair- and a place where connection can happen, where suspicion is so high. that one thing is a killer to my methods and i have not found a way around it. the closest way is to tease but you have to be in the right move and its doing a lot of emotional labor and even then their underlying suspicion stays. i don't do well in suspicious cultures like this but its a certain kind. i do well or at least enjoy myself in traditional cultures, where you can't just flirt with anybody. eye contact means something. no its something about american and midwestern unspoken suspicion. they're supposed to be our sisters. this is delusional sounding I'm well aware but i want my radience to destroy their wicked frames. i don't see any other way. jesus christ i almost said I've got to exit this place but then that started to send me into misery

fuck paul. i brought him uo because he said he had a thorn in his side. mr cryptic. you don't claim to teach the truth and speak in riddle. i have my this bond and now I'm miserable again when I didn't want to go there

i always thought minnesota was better. did i? in some ways yes i think so. i need illusions to die but they die hard and painfully, don't they?

my penis is numb. my body is my compass and i am like women in some ways- I can't think about sex really when I'm strained.

i guess i could write a book about the struggles of not aligning to a culture. i saw at the market how people suddenly burst into dopamine smiles like at the counter like its a ritual. this is a culture i realized where people are plugged in- plugged psychologically somehow to some structures or ways of being, sone operating system and it apparently dispenses dopamine. that is scary. that is like orwell brave new world but without even the sex.

i was thinking about ownership on the way back tonight. much of my problems stem from ownership but most things i own serve me financially, are stable and give me pride. still, ownership comes into play. since i was made to be a thinker it seems i have to think of ownership. i thought i was made to be a lover. i never let a struggle go to waste but i try not to under or over generalize but simply observe. i am trying to relinquish ownership, to convey title. this is a load. it threatens my day job if i lose my capacity including capacity for calm. this is the place now is the time. i am giving birth to a new lower but really whole self. my lower body started opening. it is the first to feel load and close up. i am not a brave fighter. i am angry like achilles but not a fighter like him. I'm a tortoise, a stubborn one. it didn't fully open but i got a preview. the main showings often don't come. life gives previews but often not the real deal. i learned both sone mafia and chinese history, which i know little about. whitney webb wrote about it. opium was talked about which i know little about. I'm not interested in the external stuff but the internal. sex energy interests me. i wonder if plato fucked anybody, any greek girl and how? i hope so. rich kid. a few gens after themistocles and salamis. sex energy interests me. it is a force. i thought years ago that was my key- my rocket- but it has not availed, to my satisfaction. in some it produces a family and all. in me it has produced naught. i am also wounded and mistrusting, in not so simple ways but thats all me. i was honestly raised to be completely trusting and docile. my mother i would guess, largely based on my brothers statements, wanted us to be like accountants

children-- the gradients are pretty much given to them right and the tuning environments- the association centers. what are they taught to do with their sex energy? the system anyway if nothing else teaches them to coordinate or fits them in but doesnt give them gangs. they are therefore undefended. they get skewered or forked. my optimism still exists which means there is work to do. good things could come but optimism does not belong. it gasses the self.

linkedin is a good name for a site and platform. it is about being linked in, to the right groups, for ones needs without the demand for self compromise.

i feel like a driver on the road right now. he is far from home, maybe three hours, he's tired and its dark. I'm just in the bath so its infinitely better but thats how i feel. i have psychological work to do that is tiring and I don't like showing weakness at work.

i thought i was making bargains with life, being open, learning, learning and thinking about how to please women- and some were drawn to me but nothing came to pass. i thought i was making life bargains per the gradient but what you get when you walk in the market with headphones on to tune out the street noise is some street bum acosting you as you walk by. i still hesitate to judge. i am not judging based on economics. that could be me. but its just more load. this is what life hands me. i am trying to find my third eye. ill find it when i find my root too and gut. my bargains, my paths have given nothing as yet- maybe a few breba but little real. the world unleashes an army of ironic smilers and tries to induce the same in me. eironia verboten. it is not healthy- not to be mr serious but i think it confuses the inner mind. i have been doing stuff like this for years too, trying to organize my thoughts but it has not yielded material fruits

why does the mind drift? whenever i find myself drifting i find my root chakra was becoming deactivated. the number one thing systems have in common is not what they teach but that they unify. somehow weak bonds are created like in water and fluid liquid is made. i dont want to wait. i don't know. i would gladly just say i am bad at chess if that's true but what controls perception and grasping the reality of the board? i always move according to principle so simply moving according to principle fails.

it is unnerving because I haven't gotten to the bottom of my issues. sex is allocated here and I'm not in the right class here and there are strings attached here and they exempt almost nobody from the their rules- and yet i need to be exempt.

i am sad now because all this writing solved nothing. a new cycle is coming. i am carrying load- in my gut. i can't vacation even though i need one and have so much saved.

my lower body is so tight. masturbation is not bad but it doesn't address the tightness.

Wikipedia says this

An imbalanced root chakra can manifest in various ways. Physically, people might experience lower back pain, fatigue, or digestive issues. Emotionally, they may feel anxious, fearful, or disconnected. Understanding these symptoms is crucial for recognizing when root chakra needs attention

i feel fatigue and i also have been feeling lower back pain occasionally. nothing to my knowledge of digestion issues.

it is trying to open. it keeps circling or vibrating a little but it won't just get to it. maybe it wants to put me on a quest

maybe it just takes time. hey i just realized scientists do research and capital often funds. it doesnt fund for free. it innovates and deploys

this is the capital technological society

i started this angrily. i am not as angry rn but maybe thats not solely a good thing but I can't hold the anger and pain but I can't forget about it. i need transformation. transformation is so hard and rare. where am i in myself? i am bound but who isn't? did some illusions die? is that why I'm shaky? that's reason enough. i feel robbed. i feel like i have deep eyes and people here don't even look. i do not mean to be egotistical but i feel like napoleon on that island elba? st helens? useless and my talents are going to waste and i think britain beat napoleon and after many many attempts and much fundraising. they were obsessed i think, as they were in later wars. the english army was put to much use over british history. napoleon fell in love like a schoolboy. great general he was and administrator/architect but lover not as much but the guys care about the former. the world - we are living in a casino insofar as it has built architected gradients. how free are we? what do i have to do to be free whatever that means? to get pleasure and have prosperity? the system is so constrained here because even if i can win, the women do not value it and they are not valuable but I'm not mgtow. i am a heterosexual man. how would one live and navigate a rigged system, without taking copium? who knew that getting a wife and fam would be so hard-- and

i just broke for a fantasy. an alt history. are fantasies copium?

people- my tenants and the seller of some properties they assumed i had a partner. if i have to be single and sexless i want to be in my whole body. i don't want urges and energy flows moving me hither and tither. it is interesting reading the Mahabharata. i am probably reading an abridged version but maybe not. it is hard to remember the names, of the couples and such. parvi? kunti? maybe i got those wrong? bishma? hastinapur? northern vedic (Indo european) culture? not the indus valley civ centuries or millenia prior but maybe admixture. am i not worthy of something- or maybe that is the wrong, defeatist frame. bowmen- archers, interesting. archery is very old of a technology, i think even paleolithic. I'm reading a big book on Asia Minor. its talking about the neolithic a little. Asia minor was the place of places- to me anyway. maybe not but its great. theres egypt, there's indus valley, there's mesopotamia and the levant- and was canaan really fertile as in the fertile cresent? the tigris and Euphrates begin in asia minor- and i didn't see them when i was there. next time- if there is one.

they smile ironically but sometimes a smile of superiority breaks through that is sincere. it looks ironic but it is legit and I'm thinking something they are far from knowing anything about.

it takes a tesm though. i think I'm smart but it takes a team. its hopeless without one. the bible describes a shoot rising up in some book or other. thats right thats the right way to describe it. rockefeller was like a shoot. i want to be astonished- but all that happens is I'm getting disturbed. have i been grasping at closure? forgive me pallas athena

we do do whatever the gradients ordain. agamemnon, achilles, plato, nebuchadnezzar. the gradients determine it all. we are even wcting from principle but so are other people- our allies and enemies. it is hard to hold a model of other people's actions in my mind in addition to everything else but without that and without giving them real intelligence and self interest, its a kind of bad model that leads maybe to hubris.

i thought i was rich but I'm poor. my life arc consists in learning I've been poor. people who accept the system see it as just the way things are but if so then i at least want to understand the way things are

i am going strong for hours. this is my mind. my unit is messy. i can't clean until core problems are solved. i threw stuff on the ground. earlier today. better things than my nervous system.

i went under water a bit and noise brought me up. it was very neck and head- the work load coming Tomorrow. that doesn't mean good things can't happen but i see no progress. i guess don't learn seduction in industral land, maybe columbus oh though ive never been but i thought minneapolis was a fine place. i think i have to be a tank this week. i have to push stuff through without it imponging on my personal life. a psychological tank. a partner - not a lover is supposed to back one up. i just have a 9-5 job. people are supposed to raise families from this job. i am not out of the system. i wished to be. i am embedded. i wish to not be. my - and this is what chat told me and this makes me somewhat livid- my sperm father likes- and he does, he loves, he's enthralled based on the time i let him visit- which was worth it because i met aunt sally, a drinking buddy. he's enthralled. he gave me one time a loan of 140. it turns out- and this is his exact gradient favoring gradient disfavoring mode of impact- he sees according to chat this as locking me down

that's a lot of load to bear. my body convulsed. anyway he is an agent of our captivity. i studied this deeply a long while ago which i wrote above- he is pietist and worse, quietist and yearns to put us all in the fold. that is why he has to be completely cut off. he has no pride. you can't insult his honor. he doesn't care and people don't care here either but apparantly he loves my bonds. i got back from overseas i guess in 2004 or 5, maybe graduated college and maybe got back from japan. they put me on no zero career trajectories nor did the liberal arts college help and i think he was satisfiedcabout that institution bit who knows. hes a closed book and that's a power source but at the expense of your children? kronos energy but i am zeus. but in maybe 2005 i mentioned Adventure and he scoffed, on the phone like haven't you had enough?

fuck you asshole

so he tried coercing me into his script

little influence but little launch energy too. i was always a little financially beholden kinda.

i don't think i should sleep. i have to process this. don't i get help from any quarter? am i psychological cannon fodder? the wars today are psyche wars

one thing that *might* help me is more certainty in speech and view. I'm close i think to having earned that. those responsible do not take responsibility. instead they profit financially

the question what should i do now becomes moot maybe. maybe not but maybe it's what's the best path, gradient aside? there are different gradients per objective or optimization. i am going to be used tomorrow. the work itself doesn't bother me as much- and it does bother me, as the emotional labor of people and systems, but i knew I didn't have a weekend i knew I don't have freedom. the claw. i want to crush the claw. you don't really win unless you have defeated, crushed the claw- you know that which claws back your winnings and progress and compensation. the claw is i think almost part of the systems design and its something that few see fully in operation and design. i haven't done a review of how the claw has worked in my life but i ought to. what gives the claw force? whatever gives the system force in general. so many implicit promises were made to me and so many leads i think i found but i never got free. i never got fair sufficient reward. i was offered copium. the modern minnesota runs on copium. law of attraction? i am trying to change my deep thoughts- things that feel fused to my psyche but are not my psyche. i am unhappy with the rate of psychological progress. at this rate it will take 20 more years to get anywhere. i am vulnerable. at work i am vulnerable. i make mistakes like perceptual oversights of the board and my pieces dont always move as a collective yet i act impulsively. not a moral thing, just a bad habit. did they raise us to feel secretly superior? for some reason the image of the singer for everclear popped in my head. to front a band takes social skills and hard work. i am not really making deep progress. i feel doomed and i hate that feeling because i do try. i don't know why. i am not an excuser. i am not a taker but a maker. i must find a way to make a way- tomorrow and in my dreams tonight

 

[odyseus]

clara who i dated a few times- this is a year old memory but it speaks to culture. she was expecting serious long term committment and i respect that. i wanted to stay friends. she didn't want even that. i respect that- actually

and yet i marvel

she thought she was at my level to give my whole self to? she said something about me not having seen everything of her. and i can see thar response

and yet for who i am all the price i paid what i have to offer and bring to the table and the amazing foreign and non Minnesota women i have attracted - its obvious its a non starter

and yet i marvel how so many strange couples exist here- extreme hypergamy is normalized

but that's just the system trying to enforce its mold on me. i thought i give plenty of signs i am not about that. the system here is blind where other systems wouldn't be. what is legible varies

 

[odyseus]

its amazing- how quick mood can change. I'm calm now but wasn't not long ago

i need a fucking path though - sell the property and live somewhere else. expect resistance. britain fought china when they resisted the opium trade. thats fucked up. thats hard drug pushing against a sovereign nation but what is sovereignty?

muladhara, the spine base. the source of all hope. the world is a dangler

my counselor told me someone from austin posted on nextdoor. you'll love this- she hates it here. people are difficult, managerial and cold AND someone called her car in because her tabs were expired. who even cares. they dont mind their own business here. thats narrative capital

they apply pressure as they are trained. i want to engulf them and leave. they want to agitate and besiege. the root will keep you well if you are based in it. keep drilling. drill baby drill. people don't know what wealth is. they are money zombies. they cant let it go. its harder for a rich man because he cant let it go but plato let it go. you will feel the energy inside you. predation happens by means of money and money systems, dispensing systems. in spite of ones rage - still a rat in cage but lets become bigger than the cage. trouble. trouble trouble trouble. trouble trouble- interesting word right? trouble, get in trouble. trouble. trouble. thats the curmudgeon or bludgeon they beat one with. trouble. manhood damn it. trouble. anxiety. fear is a destroyer. the muladhara is carrying much pain and much prior compression. for the christians- Melchizedek - a holy man out of nowhere who abraham tithes to. i wanted to be rooted, to be embedded. i don't know how i can be embedded now anymore, even if i move somewhere nice.

childrens shows- well now theyre messed up but it used to be reading rainbow but they are non threatening but actually the world runs on threat. threat. trouble. these words at least have to be neutered.

one can't change history. bad shit happened and that is done. it is so hard to stay grounded and find a path. compute your course with your whole body.

fear is not the enemy. it can be one's friend. i am case in point more aftaid of what the world can do and induce me to do so i try be grounded in my root. there is a universe of tension there. why is there so much tension in my root and how do i release it out? there is so much load that thing carried and has yet to carry. it is scary. most people i think in life didn't have to do life as individuals-- and now almost everyone does or goes on like they do and nobody can really do that well so people are miserable. so much load has been placed and dumped on me and others and thats not our faults so we shouldn't hate blame ourselves at all and of course that affects our sexual capacity but the market sucks also as normalized here so of course we do crappy. mystery solved. lets deal with the load, going deeper and moving to better places

think and grow rich lol. if its just about money- and its not- the rockefellers and sassoons knew how to grow rich and start wars. i had to carry more load than others. in return others got more nice pussy but also male fellowship but also more career direction but some had it worse but my root tailbone is telling me all this and when youre far enough along you don't blink or flinch over truth. truth is just truth. its nothing to get flustered over. i carried and still carry much load- relative to reward relative to support. its exhausting to open this seal. it takes so much nerve energy.

 

[odyseus]

---

perception is rarely good. i can't focus on game cause I'm in a constrained system. its just not possible here. I'm working to exit the system. thats a thing but love matters most for me now and living, in good company. this system is overconstrained. i heard from my counselor that she saw a post of a woman from Austin actually not doing well here, people are cold and also someone called to report expired tabs- and same with my counselor. who does that? they do that here. they are a hive, ghouls and they get dopamine satisfaction from that stuff, from by the book rule enforcement. this place is poison. age gap relationships are .. well frowned on but that's not the right word. ill regarded. this place is a place of ghouls. ghouls. they move like ghouls think like ghouls. nothing solves it here. its not just friction. theres no market, no open quality women..they ration and block. they try collectively to tune the brain but it only sends me down to my root and i shudder. they are ghouls.

so the system is closed

perception misses things. the mind has trouble to see the whole- as in chess. that won't solve my life here. i am trying to exit but

.. and i think i rationalize but i don't know -- could be me being too hard on myself in a bad environment. That's how the system works it makes the environment really bad and then men get hard on themselves even the local men who conform. women too it's not a gendered thing but that's what they exactly try to induce austerity and self blame self-hate self-questioning self-doubt that's exactly how it works and no amount of improving yourself can get you anywhere here it's all about following the rules and then you get marginal relationships where your henpecked or something. this is how the system works so that's why I'm doing the only thing I can do in addition to selling my place and leaving I'm accessing the muladhara my root. I'm not talking to my dad he's useless There's a lot that's changed in the last year but life is boring here. I just need to go a little bit farther I think who knows. Hope is dangerous thing it's destabilizing. All these things are destabilizing to the root. you want to do what's the most stabilizing to the root and not being a hurry not be chasing but be pulling be attracting I know that so that's what I'm focused on here and yeah perception I play chess and I miss the obvious

 

[odyseus]

ethnography- business is a cult here. It just finally dawned on me or clicked. Now i don't know if it's like this everywhere. i'm sure it is but i am also sure there is more variance. There is not much variance here. i am not stupid- there are ways of doing things but I was feeling groggy this morning starting work and i notice all the books thrown about in my place cause i throw them all down when hte load and tension gets too high because too much streams into me with too litle reward or support. I trace things out you see. i live in context so that is the context so i see this business book of microexpressions- the last thing i care about rn and i realize -- well i already knew and was thinking and posted elsewhere that you can read books, have a perfect model of everything except for collusion and inside information and forcing changes or dumping events (like triggering wars and stuff) and that totally changes the system. here i am thinking about lockout based on vibe. They have a certain vibe here. i do'nt want to be a businessman- not of this type. no no no at one time in my 20s i think i thought that was my path. i was allured but i didn't know. i didn't know. i wanted in. i was effectively unemployed, underemployed- with an expensive college degree. wtf is that. that was when i was discovering minnneapolis for the first time, in my early 20s. it was a big city to discovery, and i love discovery- it was like zelda or something- map the place- map my first city to stay in. i have travelled the world. i had studied abroad, in europe, seen london and everywhere and even travelled to russia as a junior- and you have to get a visa. i had been to mexico as a high schooler-- but in terms of actually living in a city and knowing it in detail no so it was fun in that sense. i did it during the prior summer then taught english in japan and then came back - stupidly and then discovered the city and was pretty much unemployed or employed but not doing something valuable. I was thinking what, and i saw all these certain businessmen and i thought in general anyway business- that is what moves the world.

the best way to get into business if you are not networking or colluding or if you do not have massive capital is i think through stem or something hard some skillset but that's just a general rule not an iron law. i see that now but i didn't know and i wasn't trained or trained to value math or anything. it's not that i blamed myself. i didn't even know how to keep score but i didn't blame the system and the load fell on me as a young man with energy but no guidance. so much time was wasted. no one stepped up and i kept seeking. i travelled again, organic farming and more overseas teaching before i came back to get more specific training in a degree- accounting since i already had financial economics. more bs. actually i enjoyed learning a hard true marketable skillset for a change. i like learning how to xray the business but the actual job was disgusting and meaningless. I am smart and stubborn- i can be very stubborn if i konw something but if i don't know something or think something or feel something i can be swayed. i can hold out so much if i feel something but if not i am swayed and my uncle swayed me away from engineering. he was a handyman, plumber, good guy but he said dont 'do engineering, he talked to people, i could make 100k+ in accounting blah his friends said etc. at least he tried to advise and counsel. nobody literally nobody ever advised or counselled me to that extent. not my other uncle other side who was president of hospital system and kids are doing well, not my father dad. my grandpa was like a vanderbilt figure but he peaced or. ut early when i was 9 or so. my other grandpa my mom's grandpa was a gruff but loving guy but useless. i guess my mom and him were both accomplished people but they rested on their laurels after i was born and i didnt' see anythign special. I don't care how people live- i just want truth, transparency and some non abandonment. They nudged me to other crappy places, crappy liberal arts college with its head in the clouds. because i didn't know the difference, i accepted it. i didn't flourish but i accepted it. order matters. had i had one experience of good i would have been able to reject the bad. I accepted or tolerated the bad. i didn't flourish. i never flourished there. i always thought or assumed flourishing would happen later. Others seemed to flourish and fit in there, and even enjoy and celebrate the place. but this is not a place to beat up and rehash the past. I still care about the future

but business is a cult here. it is like other aspects of this place a tight group of norms and conformity and make yourself sound smart but

I kind of lost my thread as i got multiple pings from boss manager (who I like) and other stuff- day distractions. my headache is largely gone. a lot of this *might* be psychological (winner effect etc) with the caveat that fixing what is 'psychological' is not just a question of positive thinking or even reframing or even 'dealing with cognitive distortions' but about community and momentum. there's not a magic thought to solve it individually but the closest thing maybe is a place of rest like a quiet cabin or a warm bath that gets you down to your root and you become a consumer not the consumed-- but something shifted in me -- i am not doing well but i am not doing as bad as i was 30 minutes ago on waking. something shifted - maybe a winner effect. sometimes demand on oneself is even a good thing- being needed and desired. i did always like that in RE but it got too much with too little reward over one property and other demands encroached in. i guess it is margins and fine lines. there is still precarity. there is always precarity until you have strong buffers, strong fortifications. i like studying war and part of war is understanding fortifications. a huge part. I've known for a while i need this but i haven't gotten around to it fully but it is something that just comes slowly and gels maybe. some things are good to learn just by and by, one example at a time but i am not necessarily fortified. my position on the board is not where i want it. don't need more money, need less surface area and a broken bond so i can escape/leave. Got a lot of messages yesterday bc i lowered the price. people are so sticker price sensitive here, they don't understand negotiation. the men especially. they don't want to 'offend'. you just did. you just did buddy- happened twice including a professor at the famous carlson school of business (I found out on linkedin). Two operating systems zero flexibility. I have to humble myself so much to escape this place from which i have to humble myself. fuck this place, fuck their attitude, fuck their inflexibility intractibility. fuck their phobies, anxieties, manners- they don't give life or flourishing. they have signs on their yard that say love everybody but they love nobody- no strangers, nobody out of their circle anyway. they enforce rules and norms. everyone until proven otherwise is a strong rule and norm enforcer- and i mean call in people's expired tabs. that never happened to me- or maybe it did because i got a ticket last year for expired tabs because the mailing didn't come in to my new address because though i updated my drivers license address i didn't update my car address and i got a ticket and then i immediately registered online and so my new tabs were in the mail and while waiting i got two more tickets and they wouldn't let me pick up new tabs in person because i already had some ordered - so they forced my exposure and the tabs in the mail never ended up coming-to either address, with no tracking so i got them in person and the lady needed manager approval to grant. holy fuck. and not for the money but the pride i talked to the people on the phone about them to schedule a hearing and that was weeks out but i finally got one with a nice lady and she wrote off two. she was going to write off the third but it wans't in the system yet even though it was weeks prior so i had to get it with this guy who i had to speak to earlier about a parking ticket- where i was parked on a residential road by my house that used to be free parking but road construction made it not free and i forgot and it was already evening with only half hour to go and there were vacant spaces nearby and they wrote that ticket for the wrong license plate so it wouldn't have even found me but i had to do the right thing. i coudl have even paid that off and it woudl be on some out of state person but that was prior. i hardly ever get tickets and when i do i pay them but this guy was stiff and stupid and then i had to talk to him again about my tabs and he was rigorous. he needed proofs, pictures etc and he didn't listen to what i was saying, he followed a script. This is the city in a nutshell and men are worse. men are more rigid and cowardly. he didn't seem masculine enforcing he seemed dumbass enforcing - managerial like lumberg. all because of stupid systems. this is minneapolis. this is the system, the culture and i know bureaucracy and stupid friction shit exists elsewhere throughout the ages. i know and i am not just complaining about that but the totality and the lack of social vitality and and and and also maybe someone called my tabs in. i never thought that but my counsellor told me someone called hers in but she just got a warning by the officer but someone posted from austin on nextdoor that she hates it here and someone called her tabs in. who does that? so everyone is a norm enforcers- AND combine that with shitty eye contact from people--- EVEN Those who like you. I have other microstories where I know people, women felt chemistry but when i tried to move forward (which worked in austin and elsewhere) it triggered barriers walls resistence rules (aren't you too old, category stuff etc). it's like jfc would it kill you to just be a little present and in your body? I hate these folks, these fucks. i am trying to come from the hips, the spine, the head, everything, presence balls but also manners, class, tact when necessary but the system is overconstrained. it is bad faith. if it was good faith there would be a way, some way. i connected with a few women who i coudl have gotten with but it was because they were exceptions, at least one was probably neurodivergent, the other was feminine and overloaded at work like i was and liked to talk to me but also looked up to me and trusted me but these are exceptions based on people, individuals with nothing getting in the way. the system is not just overconstrained- it is bad faith for flourishing and masculine (feminine) healthy dating flourishing. It is overperscribed but overperscribed in a way that also limits critical optionality- and there are sirens everywhere although suburbs and neighborhoods may vary. that may be a part of it. i had hobbies all around- rock climbing in the day, ballroom dancing (which got worse post covid) so i mix with different suburbs, i got around and when i did the church thing i met people from the western suburbs and they were different but there is still underlying conditionality and lack of raw presence-- although it was much better among the younger and more western but it is still churchy a bit. there may have been people within there who didn't really care about that, about religion or could be pulled away but i don't want to do that, be a double fucking agent. it's a bad faith or closed system. closed is one thing. bad faith is when promises are false- do this be this and you'll get- or get a fair shake.

I think i am an ok guy- a world traveller over 6ft responsible fun adventurous sexy but i never got enough credit or time to really unfold with people so they could see me - time to let me cook, and also for me to see what i'm about. i know it's in me. i think i havwe high virtues in things- high openness. i know it's mostly personality and how you make someone feel. there's that parapalegic whose attractive wife has to help him go to the bathroom and they're legit married. it's like wtf that breaks everything if it can be trusted, and i think it can, and makes all the maxxers- looks maxers etc so off base and tragic and i think there's that but i think i have a good personality but a whole place has a personality or base layer and our personalities don't mix. they devalue my personality and i hate theirs

And i will leave. i've said all this before. i have to crush the bond but this morning headache trying to swallow the world energy rather than have it swallow me-- in my bones i feel this- as the war- which i will win, though i was defeated yesterday by the gouls- this place has ghoul energy sometimes. i was feeling defeated by too many ghouls and ghoulish systems and spent and used up but all i have to do is break the bond with one property and then set things up for remote management and then find a new place and leave. i may even rent. pack my stuff. it will be wonderful, if it happens

If i am complaining it is because a bond is forcing and holding me here which i am trying to loosen- hard and in a humbling way- giving back the field (at a loss) sort of way
if i am ethnographing that is different

this place is bad faith. i have a tenant who is mostly easy but sometimes anxious - a professor of literature no less award winning but sometimes he gets so anxious about nothing. with him i have never seen so much ingratitude or casual ingratitude. These are words and concepts I never thought i would have to lean on so much- be so load bearing

ingrate
reliability and reliance
bad faith.

new terms -- or terms really deployed and employed and others. the way the world really is. reliance. they are not spiritual here. they are material. material phobic anxious or tight- maybe that's the best word- tight and closed but not spiritually open, little geneva (calvin's geneva I mean in case modern geneva is great)

 

[odyseus]

what went wrong in my life- in my forties, single? First i'm carrying a lot of load, bearing a lot on my own. right now and my goal is to get free of a lot of it. just a few changes will change a lot and then i will be free to author my own personal life more.

what went wrong?

I think I did a lot that was right and was wise- just in the wrong place. i really did. i strove. i asked questions. I neglected appearance too much- not physical appearance or looks but the look of things, how people react to appearance of things and perception not substance- even though i knew that quote way early on - perception is reality. i still downplayed it and didn't account for how things appear to others.

i did a lot of thinking, travel, experimenting. i think a lot of those things backfire in my locality, where openness is frowned upon, norm adherence is loved.

i had some chances too. i just played a long chess game. i was winning but time ran out. it was a tight game at the beginning or a locked game- and i kind of elected that just because. that is our pawns were locked but i got one of his on the right side and that helped move things forward. anyway near the end when i only had a minute left he moved his knight which attacked my rook so i moved my rook. then on game review the engine said i had a knight capture. i thought oh yeah i could capture with my rook, he captures and i capture his pawn and it about evens out at position as i was up four. YOU IDIOT lol. i could have captured with my pawn. I often miss captures. I see threats and i miss captures. I was in "Oh no he's threatening me, threatening my rook" mode. i don't think i'm shy or conservative. i'm adventurous but sometimes my mind glitches - under constraint especially and I don't think i'm special. it must be a human thing. I missed some captures in dating and some of the constraints were moral ambiguity -- when i was younger or i didn't want messy or compromised situations. it wasn't that sex was bad. not that. who knows what that would have done- at different times, changed momentum etc.

I've lost a lot of games of chess lately since i started back up and it flips something in my deep brain, which I have to think about. it is unhealthy but is it healthy? It hurts but it hurts so bad but it hurts in a way that can be revelaing, as long as i don't just rage. it is interesting what this says about psychology or neurology or whatever word one uses. i was listening last night to a carl jung video about addiction opening you up to your shadow. i was trying to calm myself as i was fuming. the game above was today's game. i didn't fume about that. it is interesting why sometimes i fume and sometimes i don't. all of this is worthy of explanation but i have to pace myself but i am interested in perception, mistakes and blunders in life and chess and i think blunders and mistakes are based on perception and what is perception based on but constraints and what are constraints but all sorts of things. I was asking chat about definitions yesterday, who decides what critical things mean or are defined as. we went deep onto that. that is what alters geometries. I always fight for definitional clarity when it matters. math has taught me to be precise but it doesn't always matter but i was just doing psychological work i guess. Chess loss pissed me off deep down. it triggers something, rage and that is not healthy but i want to get good. i don't need to be good at chess per se but what else can I do alone? If i can be good at chess it would be cool but i want to win at life and this can be a tool. IT's not the only tool but it's showing how my mind works in terms of rage initiation and brain stem anger and humiliation - that gives access i guess to a shadow because really i think that pain is meant to say to the brain - hey this is salient, we have to re-tune our system to account for more facts and principles. that is what i thougth yesterday but if you don't humble yourself meaning go down there at the level of the pain, go deep inside, then it doesn't have that effect. it just leads to drinking or driving or whatever. it is hard. it is not easy. they are good, the players are good even at level 400 and 500. anyway it teaches about that and about perception, and perceptual blunders, perceptual oversights

i knew america was capitalist moral and a certain way corporate and all that even when i was young, and political and binary party wise and all this stuff and shopping mall (now it's amazon) and i knew all this and feminist in general - i'm not being too intense but i was like yeah but there's nature. i'm raw- raw intelligence, raw drive, raw masculinity (at least i strived for that) raw etc. I didn't think in these terms. i'm just using this word now to describe it and i thought- yeah --- so what. i wasn't thinking about this guy but for explanation say harrison ford in star wars. or chuck norris. again wasn't thinking about those guys. was just trying to be me but systems exist, culture exists-- and? und? guess i minimized the cost or didn't understand the cost. even if i can overcome the grip of things in my own mind and head, it changes what's available in the field, the reciprocity of women and such-- you don't meet french women here or german or italian or whatever or if you see foreigners, half conform and half stay who they were. there was a hungarian woman who i danced with several times who likes me. i can FEEL the chemistry and stuff. she's skinny she's nice she's smart but she's a slow player. it's like "that should have paid me off". that was a while ago. She's still who she is personality wise but she become minnesota avoidant and makes a big deal out of everything like coffee whatever. she even ran into me in a coffee shop. she approached me. happily. i didn't get her number. i think i asked for it. it's the type that it's impossible to close with. what do they want in order to close? I think it's sick. in austin, people progressed. there's no progression here. there are rules here. it affects some foreigners- they comply or adopt the local code or maybe they always had it but i'm not sure that's the case.

i think i didn't do much wrong. i do what a lot of you all do. i'm not that neurodivergent in terms of not being able to be present, more like having peculiar standards and morals and stuff, pet peeves but i also think i'm flexible in other ways- i can be really flexible, i can be really present with incentive. i get irritated by others lack of presence if i like them or if they are meant to be present and really irritated when people get offended or safetyist or policing or whatever, nitpicky or make a big deal of things. i like down to earth but also i don't mind high stakes if that high stakes means they lean in, become more present. that can be the most fun. i may be neurodivergent in how i perceive things but i'm not akward. i do dumb things sometimes but usually those dumb things (almost always) are when I'm supposed to act or I do act, as a kind of 'my move' thing versus just flowing in a conversation, where there's grace and connection. Scripted move or something. Hey i make a fucking move hey i break the ice so fucking sue me, so fucking ghost me and write me off. Fucking bitches-- but that's not misogynist cause the men are almost worst here. they are so petty and small- in general- who i have worked with and negotiated with. grow a pair. women often have more of a pair and in business can be easier to deal with than men here. they are down to earth brass tacks. i try to be flexible but some people are too much, trying my patience but i really try be flexible. i'm a humanist

career wise i did my best. i didn't know where to go to college. nobody told me. nobody dialogued with me- not even really once but i think they funneled me into it, where i went, and then i left with no skills and i tried to teach english overseas etc. i had some love doing that but i was also tainted by local morals and personal self image degradation maybe -- it's subtle because in another life i could have been overconfident, with shallow hubris so who knows? I know fate is fickle. I don't know. anyway i did all i could. who didn't but in italy giulia loved me. i thought- because i heard this before, in america, because i build a model largely on what i hear and i infer things even though that's dangerous- that women all want you when you get a woman or gf so i thougth maybe i just need one - not that i woudln't be loyal because i've always been really loyal too and i'm the type of guy that if he wants a threesome or open relationship i woudl just say that- after i gave them some good love but i don't believe in being coercive. anyway i felt that basically the first one was my problem, just getting that first break for years, and then this (local american minnesota based) system would open to me. that was something of my thinking for years and i was not completely wrong. anyway even if i questioned that theory, i just had to go in circles to other theories. it's like wtf- i'm tall i'm smart i'm not a nice guy. I do thing someone like me might get falsely pegged as a nice guy, like someone wtihout a spine or who does favors to score points. I am NOT one and I reject and hate that framing but there might be several reasons for it
1. desperation producse openness that doesn't always exist. lack of abundance
2. i am responsible and capable and ambitious so i am willing to carry load if it will pay off, and i've learned these people tend to train people (like my tenants) to drop more load but i am not a nice guy because I start to resent it and feel violated. the difference is good faith. maybe this is a little nice but i don't even respect love or whatever from things. i expect appreciation and good manners and i cease doing things. load bearing good guys are not nice guys. i'm sexual. i have a deep sexuality
3. i think neurodivergents or people with manners and class can get confused as nice guy. i don't think i'm extreme with this but i like to have a social grace but i can be rude too but i default with strangers to manners and class because that's what i want to see. that's the world i want to live in but increasingly as i become irritated and increasingly as i can see tells about who a person is, i don't give them the benefit of the doubt but maybe this has gotten me classed as a nice guy
i am not a nice guy. i like to fuck. i like equality and reciprocation. i like gender polarity. i love poliarity but poliarity is so rare. there are so many gender neutrals here. you see another one out and about and you think- oh is that the one i saw yesterday and no it is brand new. and i have nothing against it. I'll tell you what i do have issue with- not seeing polar feminine beautiful women who are not weaponizing their looks. first, it is hard to find them at all which is why they secondly weaponize it i'm sure. so that's why i hate all the neutral- nothing per se but where are the good?

i think i did so much right. on top of that there's other stuff. i hate how culture determines what women are attracted to- not masculine qualities and strength but it can affect ethnicity and personalty- culture told her to be attracted to that. that's so fucked up to me.

why complain? WHy not just change things? I am. the best way to change is to open my life up and remove some constraints so i can life architect and life engineer, my personal life not just money not just that shit. i am trying to break my bond which is a property but i'm kind of anchored here but moving is the single biggest thing i can do but i'm trying to do everythign else. cutlrue is a net here, a fish net in the sea. you can escape it if you're caught but it is not easy or guaranteed. they poison everything here. this is true based on my evidence of my senses, A/B testing. I am trying. That's my highest priority. I have always tried to do everything i can. I am carrying a lot of load right now. nobody sees nobody appreciates. i am carrying it not because i am a nice guy whatever that word even means. at the end of the day that's just a word. I think what happens is take a bull, with big balls. some places, some cultures try to figure out how to harness that ball energy. they don't try to diminish it necessarily but use it, put that on the front lines. i'm not part of elite networks. i don't want to be. even if i could be i woudn't want to be. I suppose i could always join the masons but i don't want to be. i want to be part of networks but not elite system networks but as such i lose freedoms and such but i also gain other freedoms. that's not an excuse but i just want to know and see what kind of world i'm living in as I try move on the board. One has to go to a culture that is permeable and social and promotes connection and is LOW SUSPICION. this culture is high suspicion i think- and yet they technically call it a high trust society. no i think it is high trust under a confirming regime. do what they expect and they will trust you by default but you're not allowed to deviate and there is high suspicion of geniuine connection. that one metric alone changes EVERYTHING about a culture and i get it, i have always got it, stranger danger. actually this place might be easy to hack if people had an interest and no moral qualms over it- look at the day care scandal, look at george floyd's family getting millions. you can hack them in other ways but it's not what i want or need. i want life, sex, hips and love and attention and connection, at least a fraction of what i've earned but this house is crooked or it just has machines that don't pay off what i need. i did so many right things i think. i have not been stupid. people are so ridig in their frames and if i see the same person multiple times like a worker who is rigid on my daily routine sometimes they slowly start to grasp that there is another way of being but they still have to exist in this their system and i don't want to ruin them for that-- nor would they let me- so the system wins. the system has an iron grip. it is far too regulating. far too controlling. far too opportunity living.

i have always tried to find a way. there are other mistakes in my life sure too but a lot of those boil down to getting a bad start, having no early wins and confidence and guidance so that i missed easy "captures". that word kind of creeps me out in this context. i don't mean to use it in this context. easy pick ups. not that i wouldn't be loyal and loving and form an ltr or maybe it would be a nice pivotal ONS but pieces, that might have been available for me to pick up. i got some and i missed many- who didn't but they were mostly on my travels and living in other states- rarely here in mn. but i didn't even see this until this last year. that's fucked up. i knew about "minnesota nice" is enforced. oh yeah that's another reason why you're considered a nice guy-- because everyone here is and niceness is also kind of largely enforced- at the cost of cost if you don't act nice and docile- the system becomes higher friction against you in many ways or the gradient becomes steeper but i usually still try to take that steeper gradient". i knew about minnesota nice and all that but again i underestimated and downplayed its power, its chilling power. i have only to look at my results at the last decade. i had some results but far too few compared to what i put in and one fucking week- granted i was staying at a hostel but not all my results came from that hostel- one fucking week in austin was emotionally psychologically like 5 years here. of course i had a short term love affair with someone here - thanks jessica and game of thrones nights- and i had other things and i didn't get any s-x in austin but psychologically, polar relation wise, masculine feminine energy easily one week equals 5 years here. what a joke. this place needs an indictment- and yet its not its fault. it's just a mismatch my fault for being planted here but then i'm still pissed at my birth family parents and i'm pissed at its irony and ironic smiling and not providing alternate paths here, being ironic AND overconstrained and I still harbor bitterness, and the way the system dumps load on me in other ways culturally- noise and manners not even related to dating and deeper connections and such. the best group i'm part of is a foreign language group. by far. skydiving was cool, ballroom dancing was good before covid and my instructor was AMAZING but she's from bulgaria. this place is a joke and they don't care- but it's my fault or is it? Whose fault is it? That's the million dollar question. what are the issues, the reality and whose fault is it? Well i don't care i just want to understand and i want to leave and exit so i'm trying to beat and make an exit but as kiriakou the spy said once (who i just discovered i'm not a huge follower) he said things take 1-2 years. I want to leave or be able to leave by winter, that is before winter. it is almost may. I don't want 1-2 years for moving but his point remains. you have to push hard and then it takes 1-2 years. I am one man. I have been good- not nice but good to everyone. i see now that life moves on force and appearance. that's what makes other people take note. they need to feel desperate or urgent. it is always ALWAYS refreshing when someone feels desperate because then it feels like they finally become human, accessible, available. that has been my experience. too cool bitches and cocksucker guys and even famliy until they are desperate- with some exception- the loyal ones- the decent ones and I know people are busy with lives. i make allowances for that, or that girls have options. I make allowances for all of that, adequately i think but when you sense that they are acting because they finally see or feel a desperation, that is good, that is great. they always knew what to do to make you happy but it wasn't unlocked, because they didn't feel the desperation trigger. that to a degree is on me perhaps- to a degree but there are also cultural gradients and fields. i can't change the field much, not much more than i can change the weather. the weather just is-- but climates vary by region. move

 

[odyseus]

woah! nothing changed externally except maybe the season but things feel immanent-- and immanence is what is necessary

listening to this great song and its fitting but that's not what's inducing this feeling

dunno when i will sell that building i want off my books. thats not whats immanent

i didn't want to be special, i still don't. like lalo from BCS, I'm nobody. love that char

i don't want to be special - i fucking mean it but i did want love sex passion, i did seek wisdom and i did pay a price in pain

maybe nothing is immanent, maybe things will circle back circle around - these pain cycles

jung yeah he plays on my feed. hes helping fill in the gaps but he doesn't align or direct me. i am already was already aligned with that great man that genius. what's the source? i wonder if he was one of the first to really read and use the nag hammadi gnostic texts

maybe things will loop

i feel buzz sometimes in my hips and bones but that's normal. binding and loosening is what it is and i fight the frame war in my head and chest and i live in a shit tight city and system generally but i try make the most of it and grow skills from it without enabling it. my bond here was from acquisition which was made from accident, a blunder as it were or maybe had a deeper reason but maybe not. it wasn't fake. i really did fuck up but then you make the most of it

i feel my eyes thawing, widening

i don't like how flat and dampened it is here but the one set of things i want to flatten and dampen in my self is that ironic smile or pre smile. theres no business for that. awe. amazement. Θαυμαζω

listen to that song if you're not already, in fact that whole sublime album

but my eyes are opening or have to open- that has to be the future direction. i blunder a lot in chess especially along the diagonals. they are sneak attacks. i don't have open eyes but success is as simple as seeing, sensing, smelling. it was never that much more and that's why cities want to put their people in stupors with sounds of sirens and security systems vis a vis car alarms argh

and another thing i found myself doing - walking slow, on my own terms. slow and certain but most people are fast and certain but who is slow and certain?

but every day I'm just doing the same, read study cultivate try to connect but it's hard here but i try

Confucius gave me two things on the very first page- how great to learn and how great to have friends visit. that was epicurus' thing too in his garden. these people were esteemed.

who in the pickup community get love (sex i mean duh) and polar passions and also social esteem? thats not an indictment? im not on a warpath but I'm curious who? ovid got his share except until the august one and successors had an agenda but like jesus he left with esteem-- but i want it living but you get what you get

i need to figure out the friend part and have them coming. this place won't work. its networks are dead, flat and closed and conditional- in a sick way-- so I know these things

the rules and principles taught by SO many online and elsewhere fail here by the strong cultural forces, the inversions that make manly virtue vice and the conditionalities but it is what it is. i can leave exile, if i free the bond or not but there are bonds internally that i am loosening. thats it

erica loved me. the timing and alignment was off but the essence was there
the essence with megan
and jessica
and megan b
and others
bri proved false- hot at first, so much passion at first, that cute bunny but then she closed. she only liked an image of me and went minnesotan
and others

committment if someone nice likes me will be a question. that's a hard question but that question hasn't been put to me in a while because of people's essences, lacking here . my own mother and father didn't understand me. they had this cultural rules based fear and anxiety based mindset - and yet being anxious they didn't prep me for anything, for life for career but that's neither there nor here but i will have to decide on committment and hsve those bittersweet problems.

if i go where there's abundance will i find someone great and be out of it- good faith loyal? will i date multiple?

that one book by those two guys, in many ways they started me thinking on ethics - that big good book tucker max and that evo biologist. it sounds like i know who tucker max was cause i remember the name but i know him very little, knowing the other guy more but they started me on resolving your ethics first

and it should go without saying i won't do anything with inner tension or contradiction. the inner will be like the outer the upper like the lower. i will not lie nor do what i hate. if that means wife and kids or three gfa who know each other or date around which i never got to feel, whatever

none of this might come to pass but it feels real so it wires the system. its good faith

oh people like maren- some tenants - i passed through this place, even if it took a while

I'm still here. i don't know why i feel different. i will probably be angry aggravated again even soon as i head out by noise but i am in a loosening phase even if i am largely bound still now and even if it will take a while. i am still a pessimist more than optimist. thats the healthiest and most intelligent by far. λύω λύομαι?

just thought I'd share. if you're really on a path at some point immanence will happen will occur. nobody can steal seeing or manner of walking and those two axes do much for aura vibe and read people's micros and find your muladhara

i was wondering, ps reading the Mahabharata - are the different gods (Devas) like of the sun etc - I wonder if they are meant to be persons, souls migrating and learning and their position like as sun deva is just like an office that they are at present occupying. they can still sin apparently. its just interesting speculation on cosmologies

this is what i do in my free time in this dead city or my dead end within it. big picture - see the obvious first and secondary mysteries will be revealed but first things first

 

[odyseus]

surprise surprise i woke up just now, had an intuition and confirmed it straight away. Minnesota has one of the lowest divorce rates in the country


its different though here. it doesn't mean deep loyalty

and few girls who were into me, dance partners i felt they were angling for that kind of capture before even kissing, which never did. Emily etc. they were cute enough tall enough but the rates are not low here because of deeper love, or even loyalty to the other necessarily but because of strictness, face and systemic forces, cultural forces

the facts prove something i have seen and this marriage culture shapes dating culture

in general, reading down in that article it says

Equitable Distribution Standard: Marital property and debts are divided “justly and equitably,” not automatically 50/50. Courts consider contributions, length of marriage, and other factors.

now there's the question of who defines justly and equitably and i did a deep dive on definitions with chat one evening - who gets to define things but this is nothing new to the Internet or Minnesota in particular but it is strong here. the system attacks love institutionally in many ways.

it bred a hybridized bastard combination not allowing clean separation (giving courts, third parties who are personally uninterested but morally and institutionally interested busybodies in property distribution even when no kids are at play) nor forcing staying together in the old sense. it is subserviance to external systems but that's true all around but that plus economics (debt, financial precarity, limited career opportunities), plus other things is why few are marrying and having kids. we know this but I'm just reprocessing it. cultural forces matter. how the religious view marriage A guy just happened to say on YouTube yesterday or TikTok is how everyone used to. now there's that conditionality if you want the marriage or the family you have to sign on the religious dotted line. There's more conditionality, more social bifurcation

But the main thing is the divorce rates are low here which I knew and it's not for the reasons it might be elsewhere. And it's low permeability high stakes. In general even in little things it seems like buying a property or missing an exit and I know this is true in a lot of places but it just seems like in a lot of things things are made to be a big deal like if you make a mistake it's hard to recover here They make it stick for a long time longer than I remember being the case elsewhere for a bunch of different unrelated things it's like Jesus fucking Christ They don't let you play around in general in the positive sense of the word just like play as a kid to figure things out or becoming playful as how you really start to master something like in chess when you're so good compared to who you're playing against you can experiment in play around but here there is a steep cost to every little goddamn thing cuz everyone's watching or feels like the system is remembering it's like let us live you know

maybe everyone is so serious when there's something official and when it's not then everyone is ironic so you go from serious face to ironic smile-face depending on context with nothing in between maybe that's true or not I don't know I just threw that out there.

The divorce rates being low as a confirmation of things I've been saying

oh unrelated but there are induction engines. I puked yesterday because I ate too much And also some difficult to digest junk candy because of among other things minor stressors like horns and stuff. The little things grate on you. a person gets induced, by noises, cultural forces etc and my whole thing here is metabolizing them, escaping them, exiting with strength but it is GHOULISH constant energy. the krisna smile shiva centeredness - any indian deva or god it seems like it completely different than the partial way this place this system wants to make a man. they want consumers and commerce not organic love and growth and even at the hearing with the delinquent tenant, i do mostly what the system requires cause What else can I do but I think maybe I bring an aura a vibe a counter example a flute playing krisna or a shiva destroying spirit to an extent..i am in you not of you. this is a basty human creation - not civilization. It could be done better. It could be done better in other cultures but this particular one is particularly dastardly because it's particularly gray flat small excessive in certain ways, incredulous to certain parties overly gracious to others and just fucking drab. the
system is constantly going trying to induce or to wear down. so much "rest" is necessary here- that is fasting from the world that is taking warm baths that is going to where it's quiet in the country that is wearing headphones playing positive music to drown out all the noise it's just so much is required here anytime you step into the main you get sucked into their world and they dump shit in your brain and that's true everywhere I know but this place doesn't offer anything doesn't offer any smiles on the street doesn't offer anything fair to counterbalance. it's like this everywhere it's like this in many places but here it's particularly strict and particularly dry and particularly righteous about it with particularly little to make it worth staying and yet sometimes people get stuck here bonded here tied here. it's kind of a joke, a big huge fucking joke And the jokes on me

 

[odyseus]

who am i? i am one for whom it is a damn shame. I'm feeling calm. i lost 300 at the casino holdem tables but i got to see my cousin. i don't think I'll go back but it was an evening. more on this later maybe, maybe not but I'm not feeling even bittersweet. I'm feeling grounded in my root, conquering but give it time. the world will try to claw and claw back but spirit matters most but i am sure i will be irritated and agitated, soon maybe even.

the unexamined life is not worth living- old socrates said: ο δε Ανεξεταστος βιος ου βιοτος ανθρωπω

why do i say its a shame? its a cultural situational shame

as i drove up to my house i was thinking to myself- I can't provide for a woman or relate to a woman or connect

here i make 6 figs and handle much responsibility but they don't see- they don't have eyes to see and I'm made to feel poor and poor in time

not self pity but self and social reflection, processing, marvelling. the greeks and the gnostics used that word a lot.

but its place, largely. but its craz

I've been thinking more about funnels

what is a funnel but gradient, curved space or social space or psychological space/configuration space that tilts or moves or induces one to an outcome, path or pipeline, or thought or behavior, for a reason - usually to the benefit of the funnel owner- think pitcher plant - or if not for a designed reason, then as something that has emerged and stabilized in a system

but i was thinking - and funnels are everywhere- they are as much if not much more a function of the ambient space than the funnel configuration itself

i mean a funnel built of promises, hype and social proof (promises change gradients) would have little power or value or enticement if the surrounding culture was rich- rich in connection and wisdom and openness etc

did pick up skills mostly come to protestant or Anglican countries? but I'm not bashing it

but its not just about a culture's frames getting in a person's head even through cheating or lifelong programming and big lying. even if a person can resist or unlesrn all of that- there has to be physical cultural availability of a thing. you can't harvest grapes from thistles. cultures bear fruit. they offer or fail to offer paths, accordingly - so cultural geographic scarcity among other things creates the ambient space which boundaries any funnel


but funnels..

but austere cultures, closed or shy or tight ones-- Minnesota is rare. it is midwestern but unlike Wisconsin it is fearful at bottom, of difference or life but unlike fearful cultures it is proud and egoic/righteous

but oh yeah I was gonna say this:
It was actually kind of nice being at the table It was actually a place where there was some level of being social. The guy on my right played so tight and he was on his phone's the whole time he had two phones and a tablet and he played tight as fuck as fuck I think he might have been a professional he just didn't give a fuck about any kind of engagement but people were social I talked the most but I was thinking things happen in networks. There's networks that are networks and there are ambient spaces where connection can happen and I've been missing out on that. yeah it would be good to have that in my life but I'm moving but just spaces where you connect with people who are people in the community. In a way people might be funneled to the tables because everywhere else there's lack which proves my point about funnels but it wasn't bad to go there It wasn't even bad to lose money and I was winning money at first and then I started playing looser, but it made me realize some things nothing profound nothing big but little things such as those i have shared above. never forget the muladara the root chakra But this state works well when there's community when you're in systems like hockey or church or whatever and you just live your life and you just accept what comes But I can't accept what comes that's my problem and part of the reason is I didn't get to be part of the really good groups but whether I did or not I don't think I got paid well I don't think I got what I was worth and I'm not mad right now I'm not feeling bitter right now I'm saying that's why this place is not for me maybe it never was but the system definitely didn't offer me much anyways even though I gave it so much I worked and I tried time and money but it can work for people who just want to stay in their lane. That's like the state motto of this place We stay in our lane. Even one fucking speech I heard when I was at a conference for my job and my last former career in the accounting and finance industry the speaker said stay in your lane that was his theme. yeah incredibly how's that for a theme. I guess don't change lanes erratically but I mean fucking you got to change lanes if you want to live if you want to go somewhere if you need to pass somebody but that was their actual theme for accountants getting their CPAs go figure go fuck go fish go fuck yourself lol That's the motto of Minnesota i think we stay in our lane- and the sports team should not be called the Vikings because they are so anti-viking it should be called the 9-5ers

But where was I? oh yeah it's a shame that what I'm making who I am and I'm tall and intelligent and in shape and I've been trying for years and I'm not sounding like an incel I'm a minncel But I'm not trying to sound like anyone bitching but it's like holy fuck to think that I don't make enough to think whatever That's a cultural failure. to think that I'm flawed in my thinking or something. For a while I was conservative but not anymore because I was raised to be but then I was thinking Jesus that's to turn off for women I'm glad I'm not because that's another whole turnoff that I don't have to worry about or worry about my integrity or ethics but I always thought that I had flaws and they do have flaws but I thought they were like I don't make enough like not that it's not attractive cuz I know you can get attractive women making zero and all that I know that if it's just sex and all that but I just thought like you know I should making more I don't know and whatever all this damn shame stuff but it's not in a vacuum it's because this place imposes scarcity that has nothing to do with this but everything to do with following their rules and fitting in to their system and their personality and conforming and being part of their networks and all that.

I'm starting to riff on the theme of what Andrew Henderson said when he said go where you're treated best. I don't need the best service I'm not a prince but I riff on that theme. Go where you're treated fairly eg. But right now I'm thinking Go where your appreciated is one thing but anyway go. get away because it's not here but I marvel and this is the problem is I didn't marvel in the past I couldn't see I marvel at how difficult one place can be and how easy other places can be not just for getting something but for connecting and being in alignment. I think this place is vicious overall and violent but mostly disorderly everyone being agitated everyone being arrested on the street and well I was pulled over twice for rolling through a stop sign the last year and I got a warning both times but other people get other stuff it's just kind of like an American drama and I realized America is just like a marketplace a neoliberal marketplace where that almost presents itself as the meaning of life to buy and sell and to be sold to it's like what the fuck Where's the connection Where's the community Where's the meeting but I guess I don't know. I'm still an early sociologist but I'm thinking is this necessary for a society at scale with millions of people but then you have to look at other societies and maybe they do them differently even also at scale but I don't know it's all a damn shame and I know about the rat utopia experiments. I'm always thinking what could it be rather than thinking these people just suck I'm always trying to understand but anyway

still no sale of the house. Guess you just got to trust the process. you got to use so much force in this world so much mental force but only for 20% of the things it seems like but you do. And they use it against you. They use it against the people. They are asserrive and uninhibited (and networked) -- they self-help but They lack in spirit and the meaning of life at least I think they do But they change the world They materialize it at least I think they do but again would I become as broad shouldered and based in the root. where that will take me I don't know but I'm gone for the autonomy you know and the meaning

 

[odyseus]

greta is right, 100 percent right, maybe not about all the specifics or the fear of climate change but they have stolen our dreams. we can still get them. we need to find our root, our muladhara but they have stolen sociologically

the man and woman can both wake up out of their hallucinations and fears. I'm not saying reality, this material world is a hallucination but people's reality within this reality. fear, superstition and attachment are straightjackets. the world socially and civilizationally if you want an even bigger word runs on narrative- which builds and maintains frame. i dunno why people can't collectively wake up and shake off their stupor, their frame drunkenness but terror has been used. terror often is used- to plus people (lol as in non plussed). to perterb people and also to give them face saving outs for very bad deals ("yeah maybe we deserve that"-- but they don't)

this world has mechanics, and this world has rule systems and rules that are violated at certain times. I'm thinking of the eviction rule system and the "partial payment" system. rule makers, wherher councils or court systems (its virtually always a council or body, to distribute liability and blame/accountability because that's what many fear most in this life)-- they have a spirit back of them, a general will and sometimes its twisted by frame- Augustine's or Paul's anxious frame or Luther's or calvins or -- I'm just realizing there's no one spokesman or woman for a lot of today's crazy frames- justice frames-- and yet as much as those crude capturing misguided frames are crazy and largely dominant or destructive in the modern world and i always rejected them and still reject them there are if not skeletons in the cultural closet at national and civilizational levels- even slavery and parts of colonialism- which was brief and recent btw and the opium wars and other bad things about concentrated capital and these subjects are always worth looking into. don't let the crazy people dominate these squares, this side of the board. its humanities knowledge. i love the English- the men are generally cool and the women treat me well but they did a lot of fucked up

...

but this world is a corpse of what it could be. i find now more frequently but not always weirdly my lips moving when I'm thinking like hector Salamanca from breaking bad. not tense of mood but my lips doing what he did. processing i guess

expanding, being bigger- not rehearsing - i hate the spirit of speech rehearsal and I try to quash it always but thought and frame dev i guess

masturbation is not bad and no mast is not either. its about the spirit behind

but how to move forward - how to exit bad- individually and collectively and enter good-- in a world of funnels and terror and gradient? gradient ascent- a play on words obviously. i just wondered actually though algorithmically if you both descended and ascended to get a peek, a vista, would that solve the prob of local min? maybe not bc you'd have to do every trough and that would be computationally prohibitive. i don't know but gradient ascent irl not as an optimizational alg but a funnel escape

fwiw i think i never let terror control me (my thinking)- (and probably that alone makes me neuro and culturally "divergent". i simply kind of always wanted to ground everything and all ideas out, to base them on fundamental first principles or truths or sense perceptions etc and one powerful tool is assumption discovery and analysis

i never let terror take over i think but i am noticing shock based culture or even control if its purposeful. they shock with news, or with world events but my body now -becoming more sensitive and stable i think- is becoming both more shock sensitive (sensitivity as awareness, not vulnerability, though it sometimes irritates and sometimes i accept) and also shock stable and resilient. horns and stuff, alarm horns are kind of micro shocks and micro demands to the system

women- at least traditionally are more shock aware but resilient and more in their body. this is both I think a gender thing but also an embodiment thing where men are not in their body like they should be and could be. they're so Protestant austere but not a voluntary austerity which makes you stronger

anyway -- stability is always powerful and attractive but the question is how do you exit and secondly maybe how do you influence (to make the world a better place for example) but you influence I think by just being. just be yourself lol but be yourself in the right time and place

otherwise.. i dunno this world is a grind or a process. plan the work and work the plan. guard your eggs while they are hatching. be big. have many plates spinning maybe while still keeping it simple and manageable. understand the big key frames and important squares of life, the important critical battles. prioritize- truthfully and not let the world prioritize on you or stupid parts of it on you and your culture.

the greta was right line was one of the first thoughts i had upon waking btw, in that liminal state. take that for what its worth

 

[Absolutely Human]

I'm wondering (100% honest, I swear not trying to be rude)... Is writing this much actually helping you?

Meaning, isn't this level of writing feeding some type of rumination and also consuming valuable time/energy you can spend in yourself?

I'm also asking bc I tend to be quite neurotic, but I may be misconstruing

(edit for clarity)

 

[odyseus]

I'm learning every day. had fairly pleasant day - sat in spring ny mood is decent so take my cultural criticisms in that context

up early, feeling my root chakra a lot, internalizing a lot of the external world and holding it in suspension in my root, planned to go to north loop space to study nag hammadi which I've put off or rested from for a while- besides gosp of thomas online - which i did. chinese girl studying math next to me. i loved her voice. i was irritated afterwards from all the motorbikes in the city- little ones even. they are weird here- they don't really vibe grounded strength- they are boys and think wearing the jacket and riding a bike and being loud makes them tough. not just them but lot of people out and about. they smile stupidly. I say that I just sociologist because I want to understand them why they are the way they are. I realized minnesotans are afraid of their shadow. That's a play on words. jungian shadow. it's weird it honestly looks like they don't have one. They are all persona even when nobody's looking. A lot of people are persona at the corporation when you have to do the optics and appearance you know like anyone and that's how I thought everyone acts is like as long as there's smart enough to realize you need to put forth an image they at least know that that's not who you are but minnesotans never turn that off it's like that's what they always are and it's weird it looks like they don't have a shadow but I think they do deep down but maybe they don't but it seems like they're afraid of their shadow. They smile really stupidly too. they are culturally linked- Even when they're on strangers in public it's as if they know each other Its as if they're part of the same actual group

while experiencing this and trying to navigate through it and the friction, I have to deal with noises- The bikes and the horns and the unit over next to me, and that's just a lot of load all in all. I don't even get much silence (or euphony), which has been hard on my system, like I get nothing here, like this place is a total inversion that gives me absolutely nothing, absolute zero but pure friction

But I can't be too eager for my escape because I know that doesn't work psychologically. I have to be able to endure it not glorifying the endurance but because if I struggle I just get more stuck psychologically it seems like. anyway with that caveat I did have a call with a guy who's doing a 1031 exchange deal and it's going to fall through it looks like and he's interested in mine which is awesome because he's under a deadline and it seems like this one I'm selling might be a good fit. his name is Darius too so that's cool like the Persian. neither optimist nor pessimist but if I had to guess I would be pessimist because that's much safer. anyway I have to endure the noise and the personality.

most things I've said here I've said before and I repeat them because it shows consistency and how I view things and I expand on the ideas. people are loyal to their partners but not in the normal way not with heat. The girl I met in Austin Mercedes she was talking about being engaged but acting like it might not even happen take it or leave it which the way she vibed was good. it's all about the vibe. They take everything so seriously here they wouldn't even think about that But it's not because of true loyalty it's not even because God is watching it's simply because that's not how things are done. That's it it's not how things are done- that's how they view things with some god-like model of the world that got so deeply instilled somehow at some age maybe it happened between grades three and nine who knows but it seems to have affected everybody here some kind of pattern or model internalization that touches on so many distinct areas of life in such subtle ways. it's when things are affected subtly that I know there's a spirit of a place that governs everything even unrelated things and it's not a spirit of openness it's a spirit of whatever it is.

I noted that this seriousness hurts my dating and has hurt my dating for the last 10 years in a couple different ways:

1) It reduces the pool of available people by a lot
2)It makes it a big deal to other people so that if they like me and there's chemistry and I feel it they're going to be nervous and hesitant
3)because there hesitant and because they have a model of how things have to be it forces me both to work harder and perform according to that model which can be humiliating from my point of view
4)It forces me to see things as a big deal or else come off as a guy who doesn't take things seriously which is how it comes because I am myself and I'm not trying to be anyone else but it produces that misunderstanding, that gap

these things are huge In Minnesota is a paradox because it's very politically progressive and I don't care about politics but that doesn't translate at all into the social sphere. they're very socially conservative to a fault way more than even most conservatives. they're almost like a contradiction and it seems like in many ways they're like the 1950s here in some ways with certain types of norms and expectations, but with other norms they're completely opposite

they are odd

you have to be smooth and agreeable, positive Or you're at least expected to be which I always violate but I do the Alan Rickman vibe and nobody cares. well I don't know if that's the vibe but just assume sth in that direction. But you have to be smooth and agreeable or people think they do in direct interaction But you can honk at people as you drive by as they're crossing the street if you violated their rule or you can just honk in general or Rev your motorcycle and just cause noise overall and I know that they do this in many other places but here it just kinda hits different. I can't really explain it. maybe it's the same but it feels like it hits different. they're not very conscious..

oh yeah i identified them earlier as having low levels of self-control But really it's maybe group attunement or regulation not individual regulation and so you'll see emotions come out of them animalistically that what is normally like a real kind of man would want to hide or conceal

And then you have the women who talk a lot and they talk about technical stuff a lot They talk about science their studies etc like they're running a meeting agenda and that's fine too but they're in that mode very much very strongly very natively

I'm just doing ethnography but anyway I did a lot of good reading today I discovered I have some more awesome books that I didn't know I had on the Greek Navy and Greek history and stuff. I finished the one a while back on salamis, that battle. I have other books by that author can't remember his name and also multiple books by one Moses Finley on Greek history and others so I'm going to learn about how the Navy developed afterwards, after that battle. I'm just finding each and history pretty cool and pretty interesting. I love to read. I never knew it this much but it's just relaxing cuz you're not looking at a screen for a change. it's a form of growth but also a form of rest and you need rest I need rest from the noise. I had to go to St Paul because Minneapolis was too loud and stupid and it's a different vibe over there. imagine if I lived in an actually good city that reciprocated socially and that was silent and quiet holy fuck life would be so different That's all I need I never needed that much to be happy but there's so many things that irritate me or that I have to fend off and fight against to stay sane because the more irritations that happen the more I eat and drink stupid things which makes my stomach sick and I also sometimes pull out my hair and these things are a result of noise dumping and other things and stressors because they're not a function of the conscious mind they accumulate on the unconscious mind so you need rest you need rest but even so these things lower my defenses lower my optimal behavior. imagine if I actually lived in a supportive place But anyway that's why I have to find my root chakra and absorb shocks and detect shocks first of all before I absorb them. noises are shocks All these things are shocks and if I can detect and absorb them I really have aura then. I am so orthogonal but if I'm orthogonal to the people but also sturdy and stable that is really something. it's not going to give me love because people still are what they are but you know it's really something

it's all about systems and the system doesn't serve. And I listened to some videos on debt by kiyosaki and that other guy with the turban is his name singh? anyway the point is their systems all around us and we have to find our place in them or escape them if we can and if they're bad systems and if we can't which is often the case position ourself optimally within them. systems are often not and in fact almost never designed with our benefit and interest in mind. not even societies. They are designed for special interest benefits so you have to learn about the systems and learn how to position yourself in them or whatever or build your own or whatever and I ended the day and I'm right now in the warm bath which I almost didn't take. sometimes I don't really want to and I don't feel like I need one but then I know it's good for me and it's good if I do and it gets the lower spine going again and even when I'm having digestive problems or whatever it always helps with that it's amazing. it's like a universal currency or a universal account. if you put money into the relaxation of the nervous system at the unconscious level at the rest level everything gets better. thinking gets better digestion and healing gets better behavior gets better perception gets better it's really fucking crazy it's really fucking incredible

I read some incredible stuff or astonishing stuff from the Gnostic books. none of that might be true it might all just be mythology and stuff but it's really interesting psychologically and historically how it fits together and you start to link things like I talked about above the value of linking things. That's when things really multiply and scale and the curve starts to rise fast. when different networks of knowledge link up, be prepared for I don't know something good.

Minnesota really is a place. it's a place of differentness and for years I thought it was maybe different but still normal but honestly if I'm running the blame function honestly on my life why things turn out the way they did it is one of the biggest recipients of blame.. Way more than myself and I'm talking about running this as objectively as possible obviously because there's no point in doing it subjectively. this is for truthful evaluation and it cost me dear but that's okay it's a sunk cost, so hopefully I can exit soon but if I can't and I can't force it then I have to learn to live with it and position myself within it and find my rest and everything. maybe I'll die here 20 years from now if that's what I'm called to do but I feel the desire to leave for all the reasons I've spoke and I'm working on that path but it's a question of control it's a question of power to choose power to make happen and that's a question of actually kind of deep psychological stuff deep psychology because this is the thing I don't feel like I can force for some reason. I think some things you can force in this life you can apply your will to try to force things to happen but other times you can't other times it feels like you have to dance around things or whatever for some reason and let things happen and just try to observe what's happening and see what you can do. it's very touch and good changes every moment how I feel about things. My feelings are consistent - I want to leave and I'm trying to make that happen but I'm not trying to force that to happen. It feels like that attaches me and does injury and violence to my mind and spirit or soul

I also reread the exegesis on the soul which is one of the ones actually read years ago which is really good literature from nag hamadi

What more can I say. women are beautiful here like anywhere but there's so much in the mind it's not even funny there 100% or 95% in the mind and even when they're not or if they are they invariably have a guy that they're really loyal to

I'll add a number 5 to the above
5) hypergamy doesn't really work here that much-- because of this loyalty thing because that's just the way things are in women's minds and men's minds that they partner with people and just stay with them but I think also stay with them a lot of the time and actually physically spend a lot of time together walking and stuff and blah blah blah. this is what I just realized this year just like almost every guy has a mustache but not a beard it's crazy but I'm not wanting to steal someone's girlfriend or make them cheat but even if there's weak bonds or there's a clearly better case of a match The loyalty blocks this and hypergamy is canceled or interest in whatever and I've seen women and men when I walk by women avert their eyes not in shame but in precaution and loyalty But it is not with emotion it is just with the sense of duty which irritates me because at least show some humanity but anyway that's just the way things are in this corner. What can I do All I can do is try to settle into my root and try to be bigger and I can observe and document which is what I'm doing. I want to be free for sure and be where there's flow and even fail where there's a good society where have a chance to win because I don't mind failing but I hate failing here because it's an unfair kind of failing and ill suited kind of failing of a kind of rig system from my perspective for my needs But I have to accept it at the moment not because I'm a stoic but because I'm doing all I can do and it's just the fact of the matter that I don't have the power to force things in this context so that's all there is.

oh I also wanted to talk about otium (not odium) and σχολή. They mean the same thing one is Latin and one is Greek it's about leisure but leisure used for mental growth and development and spiritual growth - to fill oneself as it were. I thought that was kind of interesting and that's kind of what I do outside of work in a way that's restful and recharging but it's how you use that spare time that determines I think the future of your life but I've done a lot of work on myself but I've done it in the wrong system so the system nullifies any games but the minute I go to a good system things actually move, things happen. every time given enough time so far so but I do use my leisure for growth and it's cool that there are these concepts in the ancient societies