I'm fukt

[odyseus]

systems - that crush flourishing - are not new - although many things and combinations are kind of new under the sun

but watching queens gambit, the foster mother lost it. destroyed things

systems are hard or they pull people apart from themselves i think and feel

i found out jung got into gnosticism early in the study of it- i mean post nag

that tracks

I'm going to get that book

I'm intrigued

ideologies one is expected to believe- eg patriotism, capitalism, Christianity like in the 50s- they force certain standards but if there are other forces, like internal forces in the opposite direction or just load from conforming and performing- there is the tension and splitting or compression and buckling or collapsing - and ideology enforcement is part of systems

there are systems everywhere.

i guess nodes in systems generate fields. I've got to figure out how to start thinking of fields

i guess first- though they are invisible and abstract they are real

F

and doesn't my div, grad and curl book prepare some theoretical foundation?

not trying to engineer or manipulate everything. the unconscious has to be the driver in many or all things for a master but they can go back and explain to a novice

the world runs on systems
systems run on nodes and fields i guess

i peel back onions
I'm taking the cold war seriously. its how we got here
things in culture hav

 

[odyseus]

experimental line of thought but in complex systems-

i lost my train of thought. i was going to say one thing, which i forgot and say self control. one needs seeing, maybe, or a strong protective network, or surplus. imagine having all three.

i feel my brain

i mean my lower brain not get angry yet where formerly it would have maybe, and it doesn't need irony either or persona.

it is sun morning in spring. I'm laying in bed 1005 playing 5 min games of chess. I've been playing under restricted rules (eg no voluntary trades) and even trying lines that i intuit as losing so i can crystalize or observe why they are losing and build a theory or body of thought therearound.

since i volunteered, I don't get angry but i still blunder, and typo

its not about any single game. its about life, and its about reaction

slowing down is a key to unlocking things, like books or chess or people

i am locked lets say and i feel it in my chemistry. we all are probably locked more or less, by our constraint set. jung- I'm coming to meet you- you gnostic cad. i ordered books on that intersection- jung and gnosticism. is the latter a true metaphysics or is it a psychology? it is at least a psychology, which is a soul- ology

tightness can be lockedness. life can be a puzzle and emotion one of the ties or factors and all have different degrees of seeing, and reactivity

this is why chess is good

i was watching -- good for development -- queens gambit again, late last night.

beth moves slow (in life) and has an air of inevitability

chess when one has time- for this like many things does require σχολή, does require an investment of finite otium, is good for revealing and exposing

unhooking reactivity and knowing the self even as one learns to see-- and see coordinatedness.

modern life still is a field, of fields /force fields-- all these Fs. I'm going to think F everywhere now. F for function F for force F for field. it is also important to study failure modes. this handles murphy

modern life is still even more a funnel, a mousetrap, a field of micetraps and we are the mice and it has scarce and rationed reward or even base nourishment. life is a set of funnels. it is a set of shocks too and perturbations. this is precarity. fowles hazard

 

[odyseus]

the world enforces orientation of self in complex systems and gender or sex is a variable, which it flattens in the modern epoch in thought and speech. i thought about sex in terms of load bearing demand - on man and also outs. i was thinking of beth harmon.

i am not rested enough at all and don't see and know myself because i still have impulses- hylic impulses?- but i have to go out soon. it is a multi day process but sex is removed as a variable of thought- that which is essential- sex essentialism at whatever level. i am not against what people want in terms of gender expression but never has there been such neutral. crossover too but so much neutral. servers- its pat. is it a guy or a girl and they dress in beige and are not super fat but not slender. it is as eggplant bland as one can get. essentialism matters as a factor for those to whom it still applies so it matters in thought so it should be fleshed out as a variable- the differences.

also i said how "loyal" or really together/bonded though i don't even really consider it emotional attachment - more like each others wardens and wards- partners, male female couples are here. it is Minneapolis but its mostly straight people i see and yet as much polarity between the two as sand. the load doesn't even fall on the man. they both carry it. i carry it though- in my life. i bear load- without getting what may be the just or expected reward for carrying load, or expected support, and this is of long duration - decades long and i am not a chump or maybe i am but i tried and always tried to help myself. a few individual people (Abby, Stephenie, ..) gave me recognition and the traditional thing. feminine and smart women oriented to me right. it was hot. i felt safe and seen. they are rare - and not just as a one off but deeply with those few and a few cultures and communities too- my English teaching in turkey and so. love them- but a lot of load little help or reward and its normal and i want more- i do. its my personality. its how glory is won- i read about how Alexander had to support his mother while keeping her from power- another due or duty, while on campaign. i can picture it. i want more and more for value- more load and more capacity and more glory and yes having support or reward would be nice but in a way its its own reward if one can sustain it, and not buckle. even with insult- non perturbance

perturbology

body is compass, tingle or feeling is positive indication- feeling in tailbone, hips etc while rest of body completely still. that is a Way of Knowing as are other things Ways of Knowing

i want to kiss sluts
i am here to love sluts, but what is a slut?

it is hard to love sluts, not because it is hard to love and kiss sluts but because it is hard to.. in todays world while carrying ones load. at least i fear that so, superstitiously. apollo the great one struggled in love awkwardly

balance problem but chess teaches order matters-- and not be afraid of apparant threat when there is really not one. do the math or whatever one's modality is of knowing or feeling safe and ready

sluts are a gift

but the more important thing is internal awakening, softening. internal flexibility, external stiffness but otherwise the inner like the outer

descartes spent his otium in bed late. i prefer to be out now but my system needed more rest. it consumes threats that way- energetic springs, scorpions (catapults) and vectors and gradients. this is also a minefield world or banana peel field world lol- find ones core- the sluts love a man in his core, even if minnesotans are married to their persona and afraid of their shadow. i can shadow box. i have always tried (edge skirmish with people to open them but usually they don't get amused -- why did i remain in such a dead place, not just mn but with a dead crowd, and where is alive?)

 

[odyseus]

consuming- who is consuming whom? i go the distance but I'm held, economically and otherwise a bit beholden. not much but a little but who isn't, but I'm beholden in a city i hate but that's where the spirit comes. this place with its energy tries to consume, to get in ones head and chest and fragment with sequences and combinations, with siege engines and perpetuating perturbations

there are cities and cultures of grace and those of thud. I'm not talking about high performance industrial cities that are naturally loud but high in vigor, high in masculinity etc. this place is not that. it thuds- as it walks, people want on hardwood floors and people walk past and people speak and horns honk without grace. it is thuddy but it has no real industry. it shocks the system but that makes me harder, even more grounded. theres a lot of friction and gravity to get out of here, to emerge out of. this is a hard place for emergence. it is a great place to learn gnosis

it turns out having read more of nag hammadi, most of those books and ideas seem weird or many do. we'll see. we'll see what jung got from them (when those books come). much seems similar to plato- currently on phaedo but they may have a common source. middle platonism may have been a stream, even a major one into the groups of "gnosticism"-- and who knows plato was maybe influenced by the Pythagoreans on stuff of spirit. maybe jesus was like ehrman says an apocalyptic preacher and whose apocalypse never came and he was used as a mouthpiece. it thomas was Jesus physical twin also, what keeps him from pretending to be the Jesus as resurrected lol. anyway I've always been skeptical but curious. anyway there is a thing regardless about gnosis or psychology. there are some wise sayings. one invariant, one constant is that I'm wisdom seeking. the greeks were that, before, during and after the Athenian golden age but they were also warriors and sea warriors and i study that too- war, sometimes i mean, in my σχολήυ, my "free time". i am trying to build and trying to grow. Athens was once a backwater town- i mean to even other greek speaking places like Thebes and Corinth and Megara and Aegina and stuff i think. Themistocles and the silver at Laurintium (which Pausanias opens with) and Pericles - these are hinge figures. i need my hinge figures, my breakthrough - we all do but i have context. context is king

you get body inflation or spirit inflation in the body. just when the system thinks you're compressed and contained, ones spirit expands leaving no vacuum. that may be the fullness

see "gnosticism" may be weird or have weird doctrines or statements or ideas at times but it also has really good ones- simple ones hiding in simple words- fullness, the pleroma. increase matters per the sayings even they don't i don't think nominalize it with a word but the body or spirit in the body grows out

context is king. i just realized yesterday while i have books- usually multiple on greece and persia and Babylon and sumer and Mesopotamia and a big recent one scholarly rich one on Asia Minor - most fascinating place, and Egypt and India and Rome and others and the Steppes and Indo europeans and the Phoenicians i didn't have one on Mesopotamia so i bought a few on their way because that was a critical place, an initiator and early standard setter. the more one knows- ... um the less crazy things one thinks from one's imagination or from influence of pop culture. the more one knows the better one can model the actual world, actual reality and be unperturbed

this city is not industrial growing - it is business norm smoothing but for all it cares about being smooth it has no grace, no social graces. people don't care and don't even try. it forces emotional labor and accomodation. I'm tired of accomodation

I'M FUCKING TIRED OF ACCOMMODATING.

..But I know I only don't have to once I merge once I break free.. and that's on me, And when I said I was tired there's a truth in that and that's why you need rest and that's why you need to rest from fatigue and become whole again so you're not consumed

it all fits, making sense and love, the loving of women, of nymphs will come when i simultaneously have more surplus/freedom which this place conspired to take, tax, ration, confiscate, normalize, inhibit the expression of etc.. and when I'm in a richer place, a richer scalar field of lovables, of lovelys..

but meanwhile this place trying to close me, i open. my language - my English language, which is my native tongue, i change here the construction of based ok attic sentence construction rich in participles (ing or ed verbs)- "[in] the place trying to close me", or despite the place trying to close me, the trying to close me place, beinh in, i open, or something like those lines. that might be how the greeks would have spoken it. anyway its about the hips. thats where they try to close one, inducing one to settle or compromise

ps a lot of the thomasian gnostic writings i guess criticise the desires of the flesh, love passions etc and pleasure. oh yeah i also started epicurus. his first line is great- its about how the happy are not perturbed, in happiness and don't injure others. they don't get angry or have gratitude because it's happiness but I'm about pleasure including physical pleasure

whatever the thomasians meant- and maybe they meant it in the strict fanatical puritanical way- and i blame modern puritans now (1500s on) for a lot but it is what is- the die is cast and their fanatical and famtastic ideas that they'll build a new Jerusalem, a city on a hill .. though they were also driven by pecuniary profit seeking zeal these merchants of mammon- a paradox but they overthrew feudalism, feudal modes but maybe the thomasians meant that- strictly

but from my end-- i don't give up pleasure, or sex. pleasure is healing and essential and rejuvenating restorative and even spiritual, and rare and the point of existence even, and bliss AND sex can be the highest pleasure and unifying and spiritual and amazing

BUT

they are right, even completely right in regards to certain urges, needs, impulses- what i call throes

that "pleasure", that nature has to be tamed - by spirit i guess and discipline even but you tame it so you can put things in order and then that being so nothing is out of bounds nothing is foul, not women not anything, nothing is defiled, corrupted, all things are permitted but those "passions" are real so what the texts say is on point if referencing that form of them, otherwise maybe original puritanism and fanaticism came from the syria region- upper Mesopotamia southeast turkey area. who knows - I don't have enough data

but its all the same. inflation/increase to pleroma, to fullness, eating the lions (metabolizing frames, imposed frame and architecture=prison- as both the gnostics and socrates in phaedo mentions)

this world is a prison but even in the world it can be a kingdom, based on knowledge or state so that's what we're pushing through

 

[odyseus]

sociology - an anomaly, Minnesota is redder than texas from a cultural behavior POV

They don't view norms as norms, they view them as reality itself

and they identify with their persona therefore. they deny having a shadow, inner drives and contradictions

they obey and enforce the rules even when they don't have to [calling in expired tabs people told me about].

they deny contradictory drives in them. it is not strict moralizing maybe but patronizing "this is reality" vibing, soft vibing, withdrawl of social credit or face. soft- very soft de-personing or partial personing

and yet public noise is allowed
talking at a common table on the phone
horns motorbikes on quiet streets etc
homeless bum sleeping all day on an upscale couch
drunk people - drunks are loud here, especially in college. it's like they let Dionysus out but not really. it comes out too intense and immature but to them it is normal, and again what's normal is reality itself

i was thinking- connection doesn't happen for me. parts of myself i love get frozen out.. and i had a sweet nice long term affair with a hot woman from Nebraska, part Sicilian and when it ended, now she's with a long term partner, she still treats me warmly. i came on her face. contrast with a local one i amazingly started being with and it was passionate, connected on both sides but after a week i got frozen out almost completely suddenly with little explanation. she was my neighbor. when she saw me on the street it was like nothing was the matter. weird. and i had three great spontaneous conversations in uptown - 2 with older new Yorkers one a texan. there is a pattern

they fear lust, because it is anti norm and as such to them anti internalized reality

simping works here- and this is what chat said, and i was just in a coffee shop- eye contact is averted hard. they are partial, not centered not based. they are not well rounded. they also don't change careers as much i think. they identify with what they are and do anc their lot in life - not resign themselves to it mind you. identify with it. two of the ladies working out my local grocery store who I connect to who are easier to connect to but are from here It turns out they're in their 40s it turns out they're both recovering alcoholics or drug users which you wouldn't think but that says to me that they don't fit in with the norms. They don't want to keep doing this grocery store clerking forever like the other people. It seems like they're people with more desire in life and yet they don't understand the sociology the prison that they're in but most people just take to what they do and who they're with without ever trying to upgrade


I was trying to follow both pick up advice over the years as well as my own instincts which aligned btw to the advice But the results were always pathetic so I thought it was me and that's what happens here is people fall through the cracks like me and they blame themselves I think or they try to take on more responsibility and the system captures that drive and usually converts it into work ambition money ambition or whatever but that's not good enough because I don't believe in that I don't believe in hustle. hustlers won't enter the kingdom. There's a time to work and there's a time to feast at a free banquet invitation but the system anyway you know what I'm going to say -- And these people are far from self realization -- yet it seems to work, just not for everyone

so for that reason I wish that this place or the world would fucking release me from the bond that's keeping me here because I understand the place better than ever and I don't belong and it's taking so much so why do I have to be beholden and tied to the place against my will? guess that's just how it is

they don’t remove attraction—they encode it differently.
if overt lust isn’t part of the shared language, the signaling layer shifts into forms that stay inside the acceptable bandwidth. so instead of “I want you” energy being direct and legible, it gets translated into things that look neutral on the surface but still carry selection information.
in Minnesota that often means:
time investment (who keeps showing up, who lingers, who makes themselves available)
consistency and reliability (signal of stability, not volatility)
micro-preference signals (slightly warmer tone, slightly more attention, small invitations)
context gating (group settings first, then gradual narrowing into one-on-one)
the attraction channel is there, it’s just low-amplitude and stretched over time instead of high-amplitude and immediate.

and that indirect stuff- simp advice in other contexts- would also make sense in the old world, which i love - japan or maybe persia where there are social costs to doing it wrong but they have community, hierarchy. this place is an anomaly for enforcing those indirect measures that expose a man while also not being a patriarchy or honor culture or supportive

it feels usurious but it works for people

i have guy friends who i see as high intrinsic value- job, intelligence character etc and they dated and even married way down, in my book yet seem ecstatic and the opposite, low value men- not badboys or troublemakers cause those don't exist here but lower intelligence looks character height etc make it with hotter

this place is weird

I have to leave but meanwhile I also have to be true to myself and I try to connect with people. i was thinking i have to try connect at the auric level - by which i mean i go 99% of the way and they go one, and we make and build a connection from there.. if possible

that's not chasing.., not as i mean it.

still this is hard to do, to suck them in but it has a side benefit of growing my aura

they just drop connection

i violate norms and they see those norms as reality

is it wrong to have open eyes, that my inner is like my outer, my upper like my lower? is it wrong to have fullness (pleroma)? to them it is- it is a violation of reality so they just black it out. they don't even shudder or flinch at me when i have presence. they black it out altogether

the way through is a thing i don't like doing because it seems cheap and cheating and a violation to me- talk to be overheard, even condescendingly so. you have to signal obliquely

also you can eavesdrop and then later inject yourself in their conversation. amazingly they are virtually ALWAYS open to this and it can start a connection. they almost never tell you to F off if done well- and it is easy to do well- so i guess this is their method

if you try to show any interest, not even sexual directly-- they won't even resist let alone process it

they will put their head down and go in their shells like .. some kind of shell species

this is truth, all of it

they don't know norms exist, because they are living so deep in them. they don't travel. Even the Dakotas and Wisconsin are a lot different than this place. this is particular although I think it applies to the whole state not just the Metro. conservatives outside of the Metro still display a lot of the same traits just with different settings within the overall frame and part of the same system

I don't mind rejection but I wish they'd at least look at me when they're doing it. it's pre-rejection anyway it's dropping before you even get a chance... unless you want to jump through all their hoops which are to me humiliating and forcing a persona to fuse to me and making the shadow of me toxic which it's not it's healthy so yeah I'd rather get rejected in the right way than accept it in the wrong way but everyday- this and other Minnesota peculiarities are what I'm surrounded with everyday everyday everyday I'm married to the city and I want a divorce. Chat even told me long ago that my first relationship has to be with the place or the ecology. It didn't tell it to me like that but it said that's what I'm needing and that was a long time ago before I learned all this stuff and I think it's right. I try to out frame it I try to metabolize it at least if not so I can make progress in it with someone then at least I'm not I guess suffering by it or colonized by it so that's why I keep growing in consciousness about it but it's like an ongoing war an ongoing saga like the siege of Troy -:hey that lasted 10 years, if I wanted to be superstitious. yeah so I got to find my Trojan horse or rather cut myself free not win not take over but just call it quits, once I cut myself loose from something that ties me

 

[odyseus]

i understand now funnel world

there are funnels of the self- to and away from things and places and funnels of things- to and away from things - funnels of shit, or low affect moralizing or not even that but tone policing or not even that but non recognition

funnels and gravity fields

fields F of funnels

in a high openness society, anything can happen
Ljubliana, Thailand, lithuania
it doesn't even have to be high openness but fairness and faithfulness but there are funnels in some places, enforced or stuck funnels more than in other places

one has to hold oneself together, and stay continuous in ones thinking- HODL.

thats why its a noumachia, a νοûμαχíα

that is a little play on words.

sometimes one has to go slow. even not giving ground is winning in a phase of the cycle, the go concave phase. sometimes one even has to cede ground temporarily. it is a thing. they evacuated Athens after all, before Xerxes and then Themistocles won his νουμαχια- that's not a typo. iykyk

don't rationalize obviously but sometimes this is truth, until one gets to the land of surplus. just watch out for lingering contingencies, even from the ancient past. i told my cousin who is doing leases and contracts, write them all yourself - you're creating a dependency graph

funnels are strong-- because frames are strong. funnels may be built on strong cultural frames but anyway- culture is almost a second nature on top of the first but it is not quite the same. culture is likely about power. nature kinda maybe is perhaps but maybe largely isn't. its about law, and geometry.

now I'm just rambling. i said what i wanted to say but I don't want to serve. servos means slave in latin

physics means nature in greek

i don't want to serve. i do want good karma. everyone should want good karma i imagine. Socrates said people did wrong not from a quality called evil I'm told but from ignorance. i don't know that serving creates good karma or being drafted or draftable into service. if i serve anyone anywhere i want it to be chosen service. so much, maybe most of the world outside family support runs on voluntary or coerced service- people donating their surplus so they don't have it for themselves .. I'm starting to suspect

i was reading and learning about Syriac and that region and i saw some christian iconography and photos also of services and the attire of the attendees and i thought, Christianity encloses- Christianity demures or makes one demure- and fight over little small spaces and points

protestantism doesn't have the shawl like things but they shorten their hair and circumcize their boys and take cold showers. where is the surplus, and the ambition? ambition is dangerous -- and not just because of the physical risk but in choosing the wrong object of pursuit (unwisely) but at least its something

and this religion took root there. they were ambitious for being followers- and they may have even gotten the message wrong. what kind of people lived there at such time as it took root, blossomed, flourished and spread its seed? what were the people like, the laborers and workers- or whoever received it? they had been i guess part of the Assyrian empire and then the persian, makedonian and then the seleucid and roman. why would they adopt it- and that before rome i guess- as a state and the people, and what did that mean?

anyway, maybe there was no space for ambition. maybe there never was for the lowers- or maybe one could always rise, from nothing. who knows anything and where does this lead but they were one of the first states and they apparently followed thomas but Egyptian gnostic monks took interest in thomas too. i wonder the relation of these parts of empire. there is lots to think about.

the system might be greater than the person but some individuals exceeded systems, destroying and creating them or space for them- socrates, jesus, aristotle etc

 

[odyseus]

what in the world is going on under the scenes? know what is before your face and then mysteries may reveal themselves, but rarely first and who cares about knowing obscure things when one misses the main thrust

i said several months ago it is my aim to be sovereign
i feel very captured although feelings are feelings- a function of different variables but i clearly am captured and beholden as well.

and shocks can come from without, and at just the right time to nudge populations along, but it is almost always a shock to see and know how things are- system shocks

a woman- not that attractive and typical Minnesotan, in a group yesterday, a loud group almost looked at me, curiously, like who is he? he doesn't fit our my model. i would make eye contact in a way that mirrors and echoes back. the shock

the shock and shocks have to be metabolized, rest and convalescence um zu so machen

you have to consume the outer frame even when one is fatigued, and tired. one has to diligently train ones nervous system.

the world never sleeps. it is a machine, and society is a set of social tensions. is one aggrieved from this? is one thirsty?

the world is a consumer. the world is America, and persia, and Athens in its prime.

religion is fattening. you don't have to work at it like math- although some people work too hard at it.

i feel pressed, in my gut and still used after all these years. still beholden, still bound. so many are, even those living in fame and glamour. even glamorous mobsters. have the mob always been glamorized by some or is that a post 70s thing?

the system is always hungry and so the man needs ever more rest. it really is an odyssey, at least for me. it is a chess game, a Νουμαχια- and a spirit game.. but there seems to be a general capturing mechanism across very broad and diverse set of domains- what is that? across religions and politics and money seeking and love seeking and even truth seeking. results may vary by community and culture. mine seems set up for strong bonds. irony is strong

btw google bondage. you'll get all this stuff on sex. the internet does realize bondage was and is a real thing in life physically and non consensually? who is studying that?

there is one way to view Minneapolis, which gives one pity for them: a people that- seeing writing on the wall, just gave up once and for all, cast their lot in with weakness and soul surrender

i am a reminder of another way- the climbers way, also in religion. i am welcome in both- it is easy but unfulfilling

my bones are invariably tired. i want to be in austin- or elsewhere. my bones get tired. there are bonds in this world- paper bonds. paper is the worst and that is the lawyer kingdom, weaving webs of dependencies, clauses, contingencies, covenants, obligations assurances guarantees etc

aint there though a general capturing mechanism?

better for me to feel the bondage and feel it tight. the same will not soon be forgotten but how hard it is to feel it. it sometimes feels like an enclosed hell

better to feel in hell and in bondage than not feel it but be in it

this is in part a νουμαχια but also a πνευμαχια αλλ' πνευμαμαχια and thats just the way it is

 

[odyseus]

the city doesn't mean it all as load, just as norms and tracks but bc I can't endure them, they are hostile to my system, nor can i leave i model this whole set up as more load to bear

at this point its not a heart thing. heart here will get one used. its a root muladhara foundation thing. thats what carries the load- and gets tested

I'm not less stable. I'm more stable and clear and self esteem balanced - thats why i see and feel and can describe, and recoil at the exterior friction and (warped) design of things (here)- all the europe and Austin I'm missing out on

still, use the place and time for what it offers

so many things had to close on me- my father not releasing us financially early on
bank not extending a loan equity wise and length wise
original seller not taking back property at a discount bc hes moving out
culture being strict about love, lust and communication

multiple dominos had to fall

late rn 1226am got back from late reading- legion vs phalanx - good book for basics which i lacked - of military units and formation. they blasted loud music with strong percussion for a period at a place many were studying for university. i felt it as an assault as like the Trojans attacking beach camp or something. who does that? the system is not just non rewarding and reciprocating passively. it kind of strongly looks, glances in the form of people, nudges and even blares. i like my face to show little. this falls under the category of shock- or long shock and I don't like to be shocked

for the new readers I'm leaving when i can but have an anchor around my heel here.

it simultaneously wastes time and also teaches me things

i must get more serious

i must transform

theres no grace in many/most people, even family

people are in stern strict by the book no forgiveness mode

i must become bigger than all of this in frame

it is all lower- being nonplussed non perturbed but it happens in the seat. people get unseated but i need to be seated, in my body

naumachia, noumachia, pneumachia

love exists- elsewhere, elsa its a steep steam gradient to flip their frames, which they regard as reality itself

working a day job, carrying all that load. its not worth it but my day load is not to bad had i some cultural reward and support from its sons and daughters

i must not be thinking too much in my head, reacting-- as opposed to knowing. i must know by now and test the surface for cracks of exit. my body need not flinch for extractive institutions. bowing does not suit me. it is an inversion of order. thats not a nietzscheian thing. i don't owe the world accomodation. i owe myself and friends and family posture and it shouldn't require extra effort when it doesn't require it. i mean maybe i can just hold it without burden. if so then that's it. people police themselves. i guess things are installed. i guess brains tend to get anxious and such, and lips start to curl, to apologize and justify and prepare excuses and favor requests. the lips start moving from the unconscious

i seek wisdom
Socrates > Moses but many people still believe that sort of thing.

i never volunteered to be used. i got caught in funnels- and funnels of shit and load are put over me and good things are funneled away. the force field of force vectors are the funnels and things flow ill even though I'm a fair good dignified man who sees frame, can flirt, can listen or bring heat. it is culturally local. funnels are reversed here. i try to grow larger in size and spirit. i try to understand systems. i try to be relaxed with relaxed presence but even people I'm not trying to talk to, to each other, everywhere its all eye contact aversion - strong - everyone pursuing their individual interest to get a job or career or whatever going through the computer setting up ritual. i avoid that thing as much as possible in my leisure, opting for physical books. its healthier but i don't even want to pursue individual interest like the system encourages. i want interest in a collective - a family or fam and friends circle - but that's not the architecture here. someone changed it. social evolution or evolution of society or societies. it got us here

i had exits.
many- in the form of relationships or moving or whatever

i probably won't be here forever but i am here now to transform

most people don't ever transform

they may learn things
they may even evolve but transformation is higher order. it doesn't seem possible..

 

[odyseus]

big deal framing is a technique these cultures use to inhibit. oh you want to talk to connect with ask out someone- all the sudden it's a big deal. fuck it ain't a big deal. oversocialization is a real thing in some places. it varies by place but i am working still on my spine, my lower spine to my top. the body bears the burden. There is no need to forgive people who wrong you.

How different christianity was from what came before it- it was all war- phalanges (phalanxes) and legions and spears and formations and maneuvers and death and logistics and constraints and slavery and all and then christianity comes and says love (but agape no eros) and people get soft and they metaphorize war. that was a real thing-- but it enforces forgiveness which is fine but so many things put people in a stupor. I am anti stupor.

SO many forces put one in a stupor and i fight against them all. i am talking wide eyes.

If i sell one property i am so much more free but i found out there is one more possibly significant constraint on selling it. i am beholden to this one person - who is well off and we get along but he might raise the rate down required of the buyer/assumer if he's nervous. fuck that. I need exit not capture. this is a lifestyle thing for me not a financial numeric. i am selling it at a loss. if the new buyer defaults he can always take it back, recapture the down already paid which is significant and re-sell it. it is literally like every possible bond and tie is coming active in my life. it's like there are 20 paths to decent life and one worst of all combination and that happened- minneapolis sucked and this house sucked and the buying market sucks and so on-- maybe it doesn't, it hasn't bee that long but so many things go wrong just like trump's war. i mean who would have thought a billionaire who doesn't really need more- why people liked him at first- would make all these promises and then break every one. i'm just saying things go so wrong- it is probably not just entropy but the system is pushing them to go wrong, to take away freedom and individual optionality but i fight for it. you have to.

meanwhile so many things design to put one in a stupor. meanwhile the locals make a big deal about everything, about looking someone in the eye or any kind of escalation. fuck your big deal. it's not worth navigating those shallow straights. i want to connect with mature fucking people-- who are often younger. by mature i mean more real, not mature. just not neurotic and power playey and shit.

big deal gaming -- oh you said x it's a big deal now we have to have a fucking review. no we don't. let' sjust fucking live. what the fuck. as henderson says and said go where you're treated best. Don't fight the system, just leave it-- I"M TRYING but I"M CAPTIVE RN. i wanted to be gone before winter. as the season progresses i will get more creative i am sure, lower price etc but for now i am in the crucible learning what i can.

Learning about war- formations, pikes, sarissas of phillip and alexander, phalanx vs legion etc -- stuff most people don't know about and i didn't but if you want to learn about any emperor or empire you should learn about this lowest level stuff? How can you learn it from a book but how can you learn it in real life either? that was the reality for so many men- being soldiers, spear bearers, draftees but at least they had a brotherhood and a bond. now we are expected to serve wall street and other interests. fuck that shit. there is no draft right now but he is talking about one but i was thinking in these terms well before, just because.i heard germans can't leave their country for too long of time. i dont konw if that's true or propaganda but it's bullshit. it doesn't serve the own interest. this is perversion and inversion of reality, subjugation so that's where spinal growth comes in- growth of spirit, eating of lions, expansion of spirit over soul. it is dumping season, reframing season, of all learned and taught- all that bullshit, told to sit still, when in the past one would march. sit down adn sit still and absorb our frame- they said implicitly. we see where that leads. i say the body bears the burden and i say we throw things, we throw evil spirits out of it and us. we find our bones and we indwell in ourselves again. we become grounded. i feel sore in my back and lower lats right now because of the tension i guess that i'm working out. i feel more in my pelvis too-- the world tries to coerce and induce. it is too afraid to directly command because it is not about that but it tries to break one down, social proof one down and fatigue one but if you become unfatigued and deep in teh spine you can have an advantage. this is a psychological war but when talking to girls or whatever or people, often it is fine and smooth but at certain points they 'big deal' things that are not really a big deal. how do you work with that? teasei know you might say but it's subtle and here they have defenses (scripts) against being teased because they are also not about passion and emotion. it is worse than gay it is flat. they like it tepid. what can i say- so i mean to leave but i am bound, because earlier i tried to grow, i wanted to grow. i guess i hvae to retrace my steps. my father wants a relationship but he has given nothing, he has given negative. how pathetic. he is kronos and i am zeus, trying to overthrow the titans and shit. i am trying to center in my gut and spine-- and that is a real thing, when you actively feel your gut, where your six pack is- you eat less compulsively, you feel more emotion, like you're holdig something--- it's good so i am trying to get there. the world tries to destabalize. it avoids eye contact, avoids your calls when it doesn't suit it but if you force it to look at you it gives you sarcasm or more likely boilerplate script and ironic smile. it is hard to reach things

But this may be place oriented. results may vary. they vary person to person but especially place to place.

Life right now is just vicious cycles that seem to go nowhere, so i have to trace how i got here and how to get out. that's my prerogative. i am nobody. i don't want to see myself as special or whatever but i am somebody who doesn't deserve this captivity and being blocked, but it is what is so i have to use my thinking cap and other caps. the world tries to always induce and coerce. stop it. just stop it. money did not always really exist, not like this- now everyone is expected to have an account and make it for themselves and regard their life wellness based on their bank balance- but also keep it secret. that is the thing, that is new and it solves familiies. i mean it liquidates, dissolves them, i mean relationships between them that would otherwise exist. it does a lot of things. money is a technology and i'm not talking about money itself, for trading routes and even locally but the permeation of money into everything, into meaning and everyone needs an account and to orient around it. that is new. to measure things in terms of it-- when the governmetn can just print more of it to soft default its way out of debt- which is good for me because i have RE debt. we live in a technical society. i still have to study that- ellul but what will he teach me that i can't think out for myself? most people don't network or phalanx hard. they stay individuals but reading the book by whitney webb one nation under blackmail- i see the networking- most criminal groups network and businesses. indiviidual people have such a hard time- my friends here, allying themselves for their own common interest. like it's wrong to do that or something. agamemnon- i'm not sure if we know why or how he become chief commander but he did but maybe he created the alliances. that is real work.

it takes power. i have direction but it takes power. i need that power now. i am learning to get it, and generate force. it is a paper kingdom now and paper prison- paper being fundamentally bills, letters, summons, contracts, accounts, contingencies, letters in the mail etc. you could also expand it to include money, and relgion (the bible being paper) but i think fundamentally about bills and mailings. that is a prison form and that has a similar answer, with paper back or maybe fire but one can be heroic and epic and lose to nerds or paper systems. it takes power and i am learning to make that force and power but i need to feel free in my hips. the system wants them locked, the man sitting down, where they naturally lock and close. wear those toe expanders and you'll feel different. how similar one feels when the hips are open. it's paper wars and battles though now. i'm dramatizing things but it's true. it's not fast. it's slow too, not like a glacier but slow. I"m not i shoudl add doing bad in life. i'm simply stuck and ready to move on where it's actually good because decades have been wasted/stolen from me- really stolen because this my own hometown never understood or honored me and not just me- those like me men and women but other places do. So many people only respect force and cost- so one has to learn to apply that. evictions and such sadly. now of these people who only respect force and cost there are two types- those who only respect that intrinsically - evil hearts from my perspective but there is also so much fragmentation, triage necessary on limited budgets and overload and drift-- that i feel pushed towards by external forces, so i have to be louder. there si a thing- this culture does often require volume,or strength of signal more than others. that was a lesson that was slow to learn for me. so i am trying to get my ships moving in the right direction- to troy if you will but it doesn't have to be troy. i have nothign against that city. I"ve been feeling fatigued in my lower spine/tailbone but that just means is waking up and that because i can't live this way any longer. i have to progress, transform, break out of sad stupid cycles. how else? The world wants to keep one in loops. freedom comes through embodiment but how much there is, how much bullshit to carry. i'm not atlas. i'm just Heracles carrying the load for a time- a finite time

 

[odyseus]

don't have tons of time now but i want yo capture an idea

i woke up thinking about erica but i could also talk about emily and even megan, three local girls who liked me- emily years ago through dance, classy ballroom so its different and erica met through swing, through friend vouching - not intros but oh you know him blah - it reduced friction but in both these there was also chemistry. they were also both on the taller side. erica was conservative not that i care but it means more open minded here and aligned on unrelated dimensions. really it does - someone conservative here is automatically filtered for openness i just now realized, in contra distinction to elsewhere perhaps

and megan dear megan looked up at me looked at me with her eyes, no manipulation in her- not that there was in the others and then most recently clara

what do they have in common?

i didn't have to work too hard to get any but I'd have to pay low key more to get farther. they didn't say it, except clara kind of who was least attractive but a good person..

I'd have to pay not because of them but because of Minnesota culture which they still subscribed to- lock in committment or at least seriousness early on. I have other examples too even from my college days from other people. A guy I thought was kind of cool from the city where I wasn't from the city I thought he knew a lot more about life he dated it ended up marrying this girl on the team but he had to kind of not chase her but pledge to her friends and everything real seriousness even though I thought not to be mean he was higher value and I think they're still faithful to the state and this is just typical

so the theory or the idea I want to share today is that this place makes you either work or at least pay

I've had to work harder for less
when I did get opportunities because this place has given me a few I've been expected to pay more for them

and the relationships would have been more constrained by the way. you don't do things unless it's how it's done and granted if you get a woman attached to you interested in you you can train her teacher you can become a different person with her and help her become the same so I don't know how that would turn out There's probably going to be more openness and flexibility of pattern but I know culture still has a voice still has a demand and her friends and everything but I'm confident in my ability to make people flexible and think outside of the box if I have a bond if we have an attachment I've always been confident in that maybe overconfident but I just realized this place makes you work or pay

For these four women I had a chance but they expected me to pay as well as other women at the church and some of them were really good and I don't want to be a player per se but it was just at least just a little bit too much of the other extreme when I have to explore at least just a little. it's not like I went sleeping around

Jessica didn't demand this. she's not from here. she didn't get hurt by me brokenhearted back like if a guy does everything bad he's going to get broken hearted I swear this place is weird it's like a hybrid of super progressive values and ideologies and identities combined with super retro reactionary attitudes vibes and values. It is in many ways like stepping back into the 50s not just in terms of dating but in little things across domains. I even saw a couple boys a group at the tea shop which harken back to like 1950s behavior just the way they vibed like sandlot energy but it ain't it crazy.

so I got in that vortex I got nervous about having to make the payment but I was always open to doing things my way more relaxed if a woman was on the margins but there was just no closure ever no clearing.. or id be with someone's. when I tried, with a few girls including one girl who was very local I went crazy for her but that's after I slept with her and the love making wasn't the best on my end I agree. I was too enthusiastic but I was more enthusiastic than ever if that counts for anything with kids I didn't give her the orgasm so you should have got that other women got but I don't know I felt like I didn't have time it's like speed chess I don't know I went all in really quickly with her. I'm sure something induced that because with other women around the same time it was different so maybe sexually I wasn't good enough but on enthusiasm and passion I was amazing And we had a couple dates 3 i think but she dropped me fast by ghosting me hard even though I didn't do anything wrong even though she lived nearby me and when I saw her she would talk but it's just so Minnesota passive. that was afraid am i in trouble did I trust the line. I kind of cursed Minnesota too of this energy because sometimes I don't know if I'm stalking or not not as much anymore but I shouldn't have to feel that that shouldn't be an open question like and it would only apply if the people are hypersensitive but that's how people are today so nobody gives me assurance nobody gives me clarity but I think that's largely a Minnesota thing ambiguous answers ambiguous signals. it's a modern thing to to be sure to put as I've said before like Minneapolis represents modernity Minnesota represents modernity and is an intense example of it more than other places so yeah it's modernity but it's double here and this is the place that's leading the charge

so what I did try I wasn't good enough but I would have been good enough for the others but and other people at church but they didn't let me get in that low cost. They either make you work but that usually never works or they make you compromise something and be here you're not which is what I'm calling work or adaptation but even when they like you as you are its payment, it's serious relationship even on day two or something if they like you. It hasn't been easy to get outside of this frame. maybe it's how they see me I think people judge a lot based on surface things here and not just on that because I think I signal worldliness and other things intelligence but I think that's also missed because they don't know how to read me but other people might so not just surface but stereotype so they look a lot at stereotypes on the surface to know how to read a person. if you act tough and loud they might see you as a different way and it's ironic but they don't understand irony that's not the type of irony they're used to for plausible deniability. They don't understand humorous irony as much I don't think ironically even though they're so rich and irony. I'm just trying to use the word irony as much as I can but I've referred to things and made references and stuff so many times that I thought were fairly obvious and they went totally over people's heads so maybe it's a me problem a PR problem and that's what I always thought But that's before I had the cultural lens and I'm not just talking what over texting I'm talking about in person more so than texting where they could read the body language

so it's work and cost and the chance to get someone who likes you who wants you is rare already and then they try to enforce the cost on you via culture And also even if you could play them and use them you don't want to hurt them and abuse them cuz they didn't do anything wrong I want to be who I am I want to connect with people who I can connect with and it's freaking not easy here in this regard and people who seem to have a chemistry with me but are dating someone They will always choose to stay with the person they're dating which makes sense it's loyalty but I can definitely see their interest and then I can see them shut down hard as interest is growing. not that I want to break relationships or just fuck around but it's like they don't even have the concept of things on the side which is kind of cute and would make for a better society on the whole perhaps if the whole country did it but why does it have to be this place weirdly enough that is so freaking progressive politically but so regressive culturally it's so fucking weird it's not a normal combination I don't think and when the women show interest in me and then all the sudden it crashes because they have a partner I don't always know that they have a partner and I'm not just reading into things, friendliness. That's what I thought it might be until I learned about culture as a force- I mean I always knew culture was a force but until I learned about Minnesota specifically and have been unpacking it. And if I'm going to trust my body that's what my body is telling me if my body is an instrument of truth

I think I'm right
to summarize it's cost and kind of self-circumcising who you are to fit in and also when you do fit in with someone its a higher Price unless you want to lie to them or use them and I try to take the honesty route but then they just eject themselves or go elsewhere. That's what they do typically but people from outside of here they don't behave like that Jessica being the perfect example who I had a lot of fun with and afterwards who didn't hold the least bit of grudge but is as friendly as ever

this energy shows up even in just meeting someone too- whether they smile look you in the eye and respond or whether they take your words interpret them in silence inside their head and give nothing else out even when you're standing right there. it's a Minnesota thing by and large but this trait obvious exists with people everywhere. it's reinforced and fostered here and I was so blind to not see it but I was also working on building career and shit but I made a mistake there but the die is cast. now I'm just doing the autopsy and the sociology

by the way I also was learning about how society's changed from feudal systems to the modern system. feudal was noble and they were militaristic in terms of family traditions. The merchant class displaced them and the scale of the industrial revolution, and the corporation and all. also the hypermobility of railroads and motorcars. you know all this but it's worth thinking about. I'm peeling back the onion of life and trying to still find the center of my body the base of my spine just like I always have and I realize that when people see me they look at me in different ways as they do you. One person might see me as one thing another person might see me as a non-entity invisible but when the sexual market here sees me how do they see me? They see me as a guy who's supposed to commit or pay a price or whatever? this is scary because it's all about culture it's all about being in the right place where people see you the right way and my own home my own land it's literally my own multifamily is loud for me and I don't get peace at night necessarily and my own homeland my own home state pretty much neither of them treat me right I'm a stranger in my own fucking place which is why my life sucked and I'm not just making excuses this is the real reality and I'm not just complaining to complain I'm grieving but I'm trying to do something about it but I still have the right to grieve but I'm summarizing and clarifying to myself as much as anyone what's been happening and I'm stuck here a little bit right now but I don't think I'll be stuck forever but I'm stuck here now so I have to endure it and transform in it one last time in this fucking crucible. I call it a crucible And I don't want to be here when things are better elsewhere when things can move forward what I also don't want to let enforce hardship or enforced austerity or anything go to waste. I want to use this time this force this energy to learn things and to transform under pressure like diamonds. I mean dude even if I was born elsewhere I could be drafted in the military to die on a beach in a failings. Even if I was a general I could be a losing general under so much pressure to even if I won so I know it's not easy anywhere else and that's what I'm trying to do is face this thing maybe stoically if you want but in the old meaning of the word. I want the world to become more intelligible and I want to become stronger more based more flexible more worldly aware with a bigger map and all that jazz and more under this time of pressure and confinement because it is like a confinement where I've been confined for years but just now seeing it

oh I also realized that when you discover your prison it can maybe feel just like as if the prison is being put on you for the first time. it's not but when you first meet resistance you think someone may be attacked you even if you're trying to grow through I think when really it was always there so you have to take a step back and relax and I also feel mass a lot. I feel the mass of people, the mass of demographics and things or I'm trying to. I felt this yesterday when someone walked by my table not even being huge not even loudly but I could feel their mass transfer through the floor and vibrate the table and make sound so I'm thinking about mass bodies bodies of mass, and my math my vector calculus is growing. I got to learn something about divergence finally and it's not that hard to learn and understand once you have the geographic frame- I mean the geometric frame but geographic too. these advanced concepts are easy once you have the frame - a big enough complete enough frame of understanding. I still would like to win here if I could I mean I'm still going to move but while I'm here I'm still trying to win but on a way that works for me. As well as other people. it's the same thing I've been facing the whole time finding a solution space that really works without too much compromise at a price that clears you know.

I have to stress again in Austin I got three dates that is one-on-ones with women barbecue rave and literally whole day and night together with another one beautiful women all young women all fresh present women too two of them from Texas one from England but also I got more than that I got a great conversation over drinks with an English couple from Birmingham that you can never get here the depth of social awareness you know the story with English people and I got half an hour with this other girl for a drink near the hostel from the United States Wisconsin maybe or Chicago I think And I got a number from an Argentinian beauty which won't mean much but hey you know we connected and I was going to go on a date but she was really tired but we had an hour conversation with this smoking French woman very beautiful but not stuck up it's like what the fuck am I doing here and other connections too this WWF girl on the street she was totally into me she just couldn't make it with her schedule but her friends were basically like she likes you (non overtly) and I got her number and other beautiful women would respond if I opened them and didn't bite my head off or ghost me Or make a big deal about things and a beautiful one looked me in the eye on the street. I'm trying to be exhausted with every single memory and this was one fucking week one fucking week to the day and a Polish girl at the conference was into me I got her number but she was a single mother and she's kind of individualistic personality and she's traveling around the country doing her job and learning how to pilot she's busy and we're in a different stage of life but it is PURELY about place. A cute woman looked at me downtown and that doesn't sound like much but contrast that with here when they avoid you she let me open the door for her and she smiled and thanked me not in a performative way either, not in a sultry way But it would have been different here and this girl blonde bombshell at the University of Texas just fucking turned her neck and looked at me. I think she did a double take that was fucking hot that never happens here All this stuff in one fucking week it is cultural It is cultural some women from other cultures I was trying to talk to the Swiss woman trying to talk about stuff and what she was doing here when we were looking at the bats on the bridge waiting for them and she was kind of giving me the cold shoulder after a while so it's not everybody but they're from out of town and they bring their own culture so that's culture and that's how I got to meet the Birmingham couple so yeah it's all fucking culture it's not me it's the fucking culture but this place makes you work and pay to get anything it's like they set the price of a relationship and they set it too high. in the language of another field and being normative it would be like this place is in the Stone age but it's not just that this norm predominates. I would be fine with that but it's rather that it dominates and excludes other ways of being - Even softly moralizing them by passivity by defunding or non-acknology other mechanisms. it's passivity it's passive withdrawal and I hate that and I hate this place and I can't stress enough how much I hate this place but I'm still willing to work to win as long as it doesn't violate my terms and core needs. I'd still love connecting to a woman here or a guy for friendship while I'm in the process of leaving but it stays the same And I'm pretty sure it's never going to change but the North loop is different for some reason. it's a lot better. it's so fucking weird. The university is mixed but they're young kids loaded with shit and it's different but the North loop is the best place and St Paul is better than Minneapolis and I don't know enough about the suburbs. I should but I used to go out to them for hobbies and stuff but and church but- it's different surface values on a lot of things like conservatism and stuff but the same psyche in many ways the same template the same Minnesotaness

I only had two things to say in this post - work and pay. that was the main idea They want you to work and pay for things that don't work for me even though I'm willing to work and pay when done in a different way in a way that does work for me I'm willing to pay greatly and work hard but they never induced that spirit in me except once or twice but those times came to nothing

so I blamed myself as anyone should because as Jordan Peterson said if you get rejected by a hundred women it's probably not the women it's you--- And that's good news cuz you can fix yourself-- But when you've tried to fix yourself and also when you go to a different culture and see everything is completely different you're like oh it's not me it's the place and then you decide do I judge the place or not And there's pros and cons to judging it but there's so much that's in my book judgeworthy here and the cost they've imposed on me because I didn't realize that the joke was on me just staying here I was feeding into the system just by staying present here. I thought I could overcome it maybe- I don't know, and i don't know what I thought But I know what I think now and what I think is I want my eyes open and I want to emerge which is a code word for exit but exit as a bigger person then this narrow system with optionality

 

[odyseus]

I don't understand how...

ill get back to that thought

first, this is not positive thinking but reality: i could lose 1000 battles, like Britain against Napoleon and win in the end and be free

but mind the debt
mind the hidden costs but otherwise the last battle is the one that matters

I've been studying sovereign debt, in its own right, as its own thing with its own properties, as I've been studying war. this Makedonian girl said she loved my Sarissa

back to the original,

i don't know how so many can be voluntarily, or "voluntarily" locked down, blocked from pleasure and more than that, life energy

context: its sat morning 719 but was up at a sunny 6am

had a crazy dream my friend erin cheated on her husband with me. it was fun, thrilling - in my dream. it was vivid

was thinking of that and also 150k which i need i guess

but what i was feeling when I woke up and am feeling now is the need to consume before I am consumed. my pelvis

i imagine the warriors of old, on the beaches of troy carrying dory spears or whatever, standing and moving in formation, i bet they were more aware of their hips. its not feminine. Spartans had long hair i guess and before Thermopylae i read somewhere they were brushing their hair- eve of battle thing i guess. we think of these things as feminine but are they? they are not protestant. they are not even Catholic. maybe we define masculinity based on religious sentiment, the religious lion

hips have to be load bearing but we live in abstraction and seated.

even our math is more symbolic. people think being good at calculus means knowing how to solve equations. Nein it is understanding the essence of it, where it is used and why. the solving is just schlep work

people sit, take orders etc. god, yesterday I went to a new coffee shop to work. this guy sits across the path from me but instead of facing forward he faces the path ie me and crosses his legs and stares straight at his phone for over an hour. it unsettles me. who is this clown? this girl walked by, not that attractive, a bit chubby but plain. i knew what was gonna happen and it did not disappoint: stern serious look on her face refusal to make any eye contact or even acknowledgement. they are so serious here- about what i don't know but it must be important. when they are happy about something, like something a guy says they will smile and look away and keep it to themselves. i uses to think that was autism - own world own reality-ness. if so they have it but they have it collectively. i talked to a girl I've seen studying at a tea shop a few times. this time i sat next to her late last evening and we had a good talk. she's lived here a while but she's from .. denver surprise surprise. so she's normal,human capable of smiling and feeling

people are numb and that's what amazes me. what for? there is no one why or where. we think there are 6 open questions - who what where. there is where to where from and to what end and why causally (from what?)

but i am going for the tingle and the buzz today, in my hips. i have a few showings but i am going for my hips to not close. it is eating the lion of saying 7 and i have to read more of those tractates- codex two, gospel of Phillip. anyway even if that's just silly stuff the body is real. people are locked and locked out of their own being

they get plussed, perturbed off track closed. their chest caves. i feel my spine, my tailbone because i rest and think and pull back from the nonsense of the world. the thing now is to go all the way. that's called system integrity, that's called swlf mastery

i also feel a lot of upper neck- what they try to control and load

but why do so many participate?

life could be more fun- and less technical

the standard routine is someone walks in, sits down, maybe asks if something is ok, opens their laptop, plugs in their peripherals and just stares at the whole time. i sometimes skip words on purpose grammatically

i enjoy most when in free time i can just bring books not open damn puter and if i must i can go on phone but books are better but i would rather be at a lake or sth but I don't have a life rn but all that matters is winning last battle but if i have to go on puter sometimes i bring nicer external- or split keyboard or whatever but fuck computer culture. they are tools not masters or things to default orient around

techno colonialism. i just made that up. we live in a technical society. the ancients were smart even though they didn't have this. could you have built a trireme? probably not

but what of fun?

transgression is fun, sexuality is fun but it requires another. americans became dead, especially Minnesotans. why and how? they became obsessively concerned about other things - things that make others powerful. i get debt and precarity but its not that. they volunteer and keep volunteering more and even in debt one could have more. there are the usual suspects in the abstract - fear and greed and ignorance. it must be those but that says little. its a system, and but very low openness but also low nature. i remember the thai were not as infected, and others. anyway today and now and always i must consume the (externally imposed) frame and enjoy life. i think bad habits and tuning make me run into walls and things- spring forces that one has to de tune unwind gradually. that doesn't mean blame oneself - don't blame oneself for spring force but

but its really hips and tuned brain against the world. it loads people. theres too much load and one has to set it down or avoid it.

life is like- here's a parable of my own coinage:

here's my daughter, let her please (love) you and let us feast (her being willing and hot) but the guy says.. NO We will make war-- and centuries later watch tv and mental masturbate- source of an error and mis-wandering

do what is human. do what is spiritual. its not even beastly- no animal or beast behaves like this. maybe its humanity in captivity- i mean urbs, the urban, the human zoo. ive been seeing this place and even such as NYC as a permanent settlement, a permanent camp where everybody sleeps in the same vicinity, there is long term infrastructure and government and such but a settlement or camp. be careful who you associate around. they all have vibes

how many unconscious smiles- bubbles, assentings, unconscious emotional and facial muscle assentings as the stoic epictetus might call it but when you catch and defuse them maybe a new path is created

our society is so unsexual
and tragedy is hitched to sex
and modesty
and status
and lots and lots of conditionality
(which causes performativity)

breath, have a real rhythm

i have regrets and shames and stuff to process and i will but first things first one day at a time. am i not wise?

there is not much grace actually in the city of nice guys. there is strict performance and lot of micro demand

if you beat irony- don't get taken undertoe under the surf you go a long way

ok maybe i get up soon but live slow. know your gut, feel your own body, let nobody impose. it astonishes me how young adults in their prime are so captured oh and here's the thing I've never said but now it makes sense - the Christian young adults i used to associate with were not all but many hungry and seeking and humanist and sexual. maybe they had joined because of frustration and needing community and seeking love. not all- some dogma and conservatism and a platform and the system does try to impose orthodoxy and definition of love et all but it was a spirited community of youth unlike city zombies suffering silently

so there's that but hips, gut, legions and phalanx we don't have anymore but they are interesting to read and think about.

morals- change with the times but what are these morals that they claim to dominate, try be universal. i will localize them

oh and confidence. thats a big concept but just start by being real and feeling your own self, nobody elses. authenticity first as its non capturenent. don't let people or the system then game you out of confidence, which they try do. its such a game. a game of spreadsheets and forms. the paper world- its real and a thing to eat and get in order but thats another thing. don't lose sight of the human. don't fear paper, just do what is required and like everything, don't volunteer extra- it only encourages the system but inhabit thyself, all of thyself. no other religion to my knowledge besides gnosticism mentions nakedness- no mask no performance or hiding- as not a bad thing

the world tries to turn one, aside, to induce and coerce. give the world what belongs to it and take or receive what's yours i guess and if nothing is yours nothing is yours. i guess that's your fate (but something is yours- a lot is. stephanie could have been if i was ready and abby and erin, and my soul)

 

[odyseus]

austerity was put on me my whole life
protestant churches warn of the prosperity gospel but i also warn of the austerity gospel, especially as regards emotion. i understand the poor will always exist but nobody has to be flattened or moralizing

what was meant by

We played the flute for you, and you did not dance;
we sang a dirge, and you did not mourn.

but it was my whole life from family childhood on to college. travel i got glimpses of other ways but i always have returned to my jail cell but now i know what's going on.

the cost has been substantial

the induction engines are strong here- really strong

their certainty is strong in all things.

they are not Hellenic in spirit- inquisitive or glory seeking. they are not gracious either. they are not even petty. what's the third option you ask, if not those two? they are by the book (some book) zombies for lack of a better word- self certain hall monitors of the spirit

but my whole life even now

i was in north loop today - had some good conversations. its a better place but so little so late for me

so much of seduction and dating and natural method worked because it assumed certain responsive populations, audiences. I can't flip it here. I've tried. anything artificial you'd think can be flipped with strong frame. i still technically think so but i tried to open the jar, but the lid is just too tight for me here for what i want and who i want to be and remain

the bottom bones, that's where I'm at- the hips and pelvis and also the bottom of the brain, the neck

i don't like griping

i made some progress on Ascent of Money book and started one on Assyria and some other things. it amuses and enriches me but I'm trying to consume the consumer, with my spirit, with my bones. how though - one day at a time until I'm 80?!

I'm always a do what you can guy but I'm thinking more about external events, environments you can't control in all things, war and business. a new law or even algorithm can collapse one's market. many things like this exist in life- hyperinflation of Germany, bombs over tehren, etc. these wre not personal failures. bad families too.

I've read a lot but we all have but have we connected all our thoughts and big ideas or are they all separate networks in our brains? i am trying to connect all and awaken and it is because of such "awakening" probably that i see things as such a shit show, even as I'm more relaxed in my body than ever. i want my model- and prediction model to do the lifting, carry the load so i can have ease and rest and so i can do things of meaning. that inclides necessarily factoring in the horrors of things, otherwise the model is prosaic and has blind spots equally if it is all dark

my body is my compass and until i find the depth i know there's more to model out

gospel of Phillip from nag hammadi and sentences of sextus are interesting, which i just completed today.

i know i can't do this all in a day, consuming the consumer but i hope to see progress

i came across a good statement about love and faith. faith is about receiving, love about giving

the world refuses to give, even the basics, basic manners, silence, love but it gives false promises and hopes and thats the austerity though i carry load- more than most but maybe its not visible, legible or valued but i bear it but one day more, day by day

this place wants one captured and ones inner formation broken, panicking, for a route. they too are like a phalanx or legion, their norms being their spears and they are all in lockstep here but what can a man do? I'm trying to sell myself free and get crappy or at least disappointing leads. I can't have my emotions moved by them that much, and i don't but minnesota plays hardball. it doesn't fuck around. it is extremist. i feel like it detects any emotion. i will find my forebrain. casey zander on social media says women sre trying to break one down and keep one low confidence even if they like him. hes from nearby so I'm sure i agree with him in terms of american and midwest women - but men do it too. its sick here- the normalization culture the austerity gospel self imposed because people hate pleasure and spirit so it becomes a consuming system

but i just thought of someone in high school- Richard who dated beccy and they married. fellow runners. how did he get the confidence? i believe such must either come from family injection (support) or else key breaks at key times - even in otherwise hardship - leading to momentum

in any case I couldn't muster which was fine but i thought I'd kindle the blaze eventually- and even here i do better in community - of enforced contact and fellowship but that's rare now and even more are people on their screens. what the fuck happened? its so hard to process. I'm in my 40s and i want to date a 20 year old- not a strict requirement and spirit matters most but i deserve it both because i never got it growing up and because i am youthful in spirit and always stayed in shape and everything

i have a lot of consuming of consumers to do. when my shit sells i can make my way to france or whatever but everywhere is a system and I'm older and ok financially but not loaded not a millionaire but lots of consuming to do

seduction community never taught how some whole cultures try to break you and bind you in bondage, from your self and spirit and its a full time job to not be consumed. maybe my focus is too much on this but where else would it be? the system never sleeps. people don't teach how all consuming and dangerously consuming it is- a matter as mr tsu says of life and death. heraclitus says war is the father of all things. here now its about consuming the consumer, finding the pineal perhaps or maybe not but not being distracted, not drifting but hitting targets consistently.

i feel so much in my hips, so much (externally imposed) lockage. the military men of old knew how to use them. the system wants them locked, me drifting, my spine agitated my mind fragmented and discontinuous, my eyes not looking or seeing- its like the 12 days of Christmas but

 

[odyseus]

locked and unlocked. those are the metaphors now.

i have tried going slow, thinking slow, studying history- which i do enjoy for its own sake, and doing various things, warm baths, rest etc and i am still locked, but a lot of it is cultural and also its not easy with a given set of constraints and in a given culture with no momentum. there are points i have failed at

it is though- about unlocking the spirit, unlocking the mind, unlocking the body. the lock is hard and thick and complex and my sword is not sharp enough to slice it like a gordion knot. it is a labyrinth, the path is narrow like an isthmus of corinth. there is a lock

an involuntary slave can win his freedom but one who sells themself into slavery is a slave forever- so said phillip

the lock is deep.

monks are celibates and renunciates but i wonder in another tradition, like the vedas, can they fuck and marry and sire? it seems like monks are a warrior class in some ways- and in fact in egypt they were used as shock troops iirc between inner conflict in the late classical era. monks are warriors. anyway- and some don't let anyone frame them. anyway i am trying to unlock but this place is very very good at locking the soul. one needs force. force to make people move. they don't move without felt force. i don't like nor deserve to be locked out- of my own home culture or birth culture but there it is. i remember the young Croatian server up that hill at that kiosk laughed- giggly when i asked her out and flirted. she has a bf but she giggled. same with this young russian woman i sat next to on the plane- shy woman 18 wanted to be a singer. i encouraged it. we met up in st p i think and went out. i pecked her lips. that was 20 years ago. those memories just surfaced

forget culture, peoples bitterness or lack of manners or caution or whatever - a culture oriented around caution. forget that- the bottom line is I'm locked. i might as well be in jail. the system locked me and i fell into it thinking i was buying assets and optionality. thinking i could think on my feet. granted multiple pillars had to collapse for the lock to be so. good faith effort had to fail. society had to become suspicious. the lock is strong here so what do i do? i try to absorb it all in my gut and throw it down. i can think straight but the system is rigged, ironic and convoluted so it makes a person, an average person think they cant think straight, think that sex is not natural or necessary and good. the system and its strong reality framing makes most other people's thinking warp and i think a lot of this was a long time coming, way before even the puritans. thinking straight requires trusting ones perceptions, and blaming all of a culture/civilization- there are counterexamples this lock occurs at the deepest level of the spine, comprehensively. the lock to paraphrase the kingdom is within one and around one. all one can do though is start with the inner

states and tension goveren urges and impulses so when tensions release, or inflect, urges and appetites change. the system knows this and wants us consuming- cheap feed so it can consume us.

unlocked for

locked against or locked out of vs unlocked for

stupor or flatness is most people. history books won't save me but they are helpful and fun, on this train ride

they don't want our whole brain/mind being used but want us reactionary or looping, reactive or looped but the brain is really fun and pleasurable to use, just like the body. i was thinking of going out in pj pants. anything i can do to both be more comfortable and give an fu to the system i think is a good thing. there are qualities here i can exploit since i paid for them. there is less social judgment on things like this

bronze. i love bronze and i love how it turns green. I'll learn about the bronze age and then the chalcolithic and then the neolithic and about megaliths and then the paleolithic and i will learn the truth about pussy muahaha. i don't like that word anymore all the sudden. i don't know what i like. i like bronze. its a fun metal. total non sequitur i know

 

[odyseus]

this is a powerful new insight - Sunday in the bath, technically monday

transformation is good when good but it can also be deformation/capture. behold this verse

Whoever is an unwilling slave will be able to be made free. Whoever has become free by the grace of their master and has sold themselves (back) into slavery won't be able to be made free any longer.

I'm a slave now by any measure but an involuntary one, so i can be made free. no bad bargains. the same as i find myself making (consciousness) the same i repudiate - through the power of rest and unification



so, sex is rationed here. it has become a big deal and anything thats a big deal doesn't happen much

but there are tons of churches here and what happens is a man thinks ok subconsciously sex is a big deal. religion says it is so maybe its right. simultaneously he finds church to be where the good or better marriage minded traditional women are

thats how they use coercive funnels

but thinking thoughs, feeling frustration, maybe for instance the impact of noise but mayve just drawn out nothing, the self drifts into fantasy and mental masturbation - which is kinda like worship - of the feminine but in a bad way

so that happens and much rest is needed to resist (baths but also doing what you love- for me reading history books) but that pulls one back into cycles and you must notice people - generally, mothers with kids, men here the prosaic prigs, elderly- on the sidewalk on a nice day they don't look you in the eye. they dodge it so you don't have many islands to stand on, not many recovery hearts is my point, in this great white desert, so most men get bonded, and funneled into church, or neo stoic gym lifting or maxxing somehow or whatever, or more expensive schooling- as if I'm not learning tons the way I'm doing it- was reading a new book on British east India company and also pre Socratic philosophers. go deep or go home lol. but credentials lol right?

but I'm seeing the whole dynamic system better and better. i love that phillip quote. also got a book on Jungs connection to gnosticism. it is huge and early- ahead of its time. who knew! i never drunk much from Jung but we had parallel paths and he gave me some vocabulary but hes great, a great man one of a kind and Marie Louise von Franz thought so

but i am free or i am a slave slated for freedom or at least with the possibility of it. thats why my circumcised dick tingles sometimes with my spine not throb in slavery, επιθυμία and who knows maybe foregen will prevail. google thinks bondage is all about sex. don't they know there's another type and its no joke?

i don't want to cheat or skip steps. i fear then i may have to repeat and it may be worse for me. all in due time -sigh- but sex is natural and wonderful and a mystery and so is conditionality and funnels, blockages or sanctions and war. so are jokes. so is irony. so is the power of feeling whats in ones gut. rest does a lot for one

hate not love but accept as temporary fact ones chains. the chains are the loops, in the nervous system as well as external cycles. hell is inside of you, and outside, but work on the inside first. they see us as attractive but if they are embedded in institutions, its high friction if one doesn't conform. its risk to show emotion (for them) and they are busy and stressed and also fragmented and disappointed by others before and warned and so much else. its hard to penetrate that field, their divergence (dic from Vector calc) is off the charts. they're takers not givers and blind- in some territories. even if one is ready I don't want it to be a high stakes transaction on a narrow path. I'm not a performance monkey but otherwise i think i am pretty flexible. it works with many, fails with many others and I've thought about this. it could be a factor of what I'm going through but i think it mostly depends on the woman- and that largely on her parent and family culture- I'm not even much of a variable- i suspect, but i do what i can but no self improvement loop which -- many naturals don't suffer from as its often not relevant or even harmful potentially

rest. day by day, see what the cycles do, because afterwards i can go to the Cyclades, the Κυκλάδες but i don't think i want to vacation until its sold but thats another topic. I'm getting so much vacation through my reading. maybe ill do a staycation but if i am bound here i am bound in the land of conditionality and land of vicious funnels. if these aren't funnels what is? and ps your favorite songs were probably written from pain, sublimated or processed perhaps but pain, because we are human and we suffer and that's that and nora vincent learned a thing and the young get captured in their way and some people break free but not many i dont think but if you're going around, perambulating and feel your gut steadily, that's it you're free. free from compulsion which is loaded script. there is much to consume. consume- or else be consumed. it is that simple. the main leader of the east india company killed himself at 49, knife to throat