Is this a problem? How to act?

weekendwarrior

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 3, 2020
Messages
141
Hi guys,

I'm conflicted if this is a problem, is this my ego? Would it be overreacting? Something doesn't sit right with me. Is there a socially graceful way to approach this?

This chick I've been seeing recently went ghost on me for 2 weeks (after being told I've been around), she approached me again at the weekend out at the club. At one point she disappeared with my main wing, I wasn't bothered by this, me and my wing get on well with her and her best friend so they're kind of like friends at this point and my wings a cool guy, I didn't think I'd have to worry about him.

After a minute her best friend asked me where she was, I told her she went to the side with my wing, she had a very concerned look on her face, I kept unreactive and shrugged it off that I wasn't bothered but I now had doubt about this. Her best friend then walked of to find her, at which point she came back.

I don't know what went on but when she came back, she looked upset. I didn't react, I didn't say anything, didn't acknowledge it but I started to go cold on her because of this doubt in my mind. She's mentioned a few times in the past that she thinks he hates her, and she mentioned this again at the weekend and asked me what his problem is with her. He always seems cool about her when we're out, he doesn't have a problem that I'm aware of.

Because it's very loud in the club we occasionally write notes on our phones to each other, outside at the end of the night she had a message on her notes that read something along the lines of "I really hope you didn't like it" she shown it to me and said he typed that to say he hoped she didn't have a good night, and asked who would write that? Because of the seeds of doubt in my mind I'm thinking something has happened between them, and this message was about that. I'm not sure if they've slept together or just kissed but I don't like not knowing.

If he's done something with her, I really question our friendship if he'd do me over for a chick. If she's done something with him, I don't want to waste any more time with her. I don't really know how I can ask them to find out, I doubt they'd even be honest if anything has happened. Is this even an issue or am I overreacting?

Any thoughts?

Warrior
 

weekendwarrior

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 3, 2020
Messages
141
@StrayDog something like fuck buddies or friends with benefits, we'd bump into each other in a club and hang out a lot more than fuck buddies would, but we don't do stuff away from hooking up to be friends. That sort of dynamic.

She doesn't owe me loyalty, she can do what she wants but if she's going to make a move on my friend I don't think it's acceptable. Maybe it's not a problem, but if something's happened between them I'd feel like they're treating me like a bitch.

Warrior
 

Calibration

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Nov 21, 2021
Messages
338
I wouldn't worry too much about the girl and she's not even your GF. Girls come and go. I'll be concerned about your wing. If you don't have trust in your wing where you can talk to him and believe what he says, then you must reconsider your relationship with him. I consider trust as one of the basic traits of wingmanship. When girls are involved, some guys compromise integrity. Sad but true.
 

weekendwarrior

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 3, 2020
Messages
141
Thanks @Shawn I'm not bothered about the chick, like you said they come and go, I'm concerned about my wing now I've got these seeds of doubt. Maybe it's nothing, maybe its something. If it's something, we can't be wings anymore. I value trust in a wing and what you've said is sad but true guys can be compromised for pussy, I always thought he was cool, and I had nothing to worry about.

I don't know if he'll be honest if I ask him, he may try to preserve his self-image if somethings happened. I don't want to ask over text because it gives him thinking time. I could go for a phone call, but this is unusual for us. That leaves me with bringing it up when we're out together, that could be a very awkward night.

Is there a suave way to bring this up and ask?

Warrior
 

Calibration

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Nov 21, 2021
Messages
338
For starters, a good wing should be trustworthy, honest in providing feedback from the field, should be vulnerable to accept constructive criticism, build you up in front of the girl with DHVs (old school pickup was big on this), lift you up mentally, emotionally etc. If your wing is not helping with these, I'd think of him as more of a hindrance than advantage to have him around.

If you want just someone to go out clubbing, it's better to go with friends who don't game and have your best interests than with a bad wing. I've come across a few good wings and unfortunately, I've had my share of bad wings as well.

Anyway, I like to only have people around me who have my best interests in their minds and I try to do the same. However, if you still want to figure out what's happening in this particular instance, I'd go under the radar to find out his intentions. You could gossip about some of your common friends. Something like:

You: Dude, have you heard from James? I haven't seen him in ages
Wing: No dude, he's got a new GF and he's busy plowing her pussy.. haven't seen him either
Blah blah blah
You: Other day Sarah was so hilarious. She's so goofy sometimes.. Blah blah
Wing: Ya, I think so too
Blah blah blah
You: I think Kate (your girl) is the best of all the girls I've been with. She's such a cutie pie. Right?
*Pay attention to his body language, facial expressions and what he says about her*

If he talks about Sarah and Kate alike and his sub-communication is also the same, I'll cut some slack and you can device your next strategy but if he's over-enthusiastic or trying to avoid talking about Kate, then you have some obvious signs. Regardless, with this you can device your next plan.
 

weekendwarrior

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
May 3, 2020
Messages
141
Thanks @Shawn I agree, this guys been a really good wing up until this potential breach of trust and disrespect.

I've not been out with him since to bring this up and initially I thought your suggestion wasn't direct enough, I want to know quickly where we stand because if he can't be trusted he can't be a wing.

It's been weeks now so I feel it's been too long to bring this up and address it directly so going the slower indirect method doesn't seem to bad at the moment.

Warrior
 
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