Hello everyone. I postponed a lot starting a journal here and I feel finally ready. I hope it can help me and receive useful feedback.
I am very much open to comments, so any advice, guidance and comment is much appreciated here.
First, let's say that my starting point is not easy.
As I said elsewhere, some years ago I got meds-induced sexual dysfunction that damaged my erections.
I also had some mental issues that made me leave a lot of activities and socially retire for a while, and got me a small disability allowance that I live off right now.
This year I found for the first time a new stability - a therapy that is making me functional with no side effects - and I'm reopening myself to the world.
Short dating bio:
14/15 - first gf and sexual experiences (not full act), quite early compared to my peers, lost after a few months because of moving
until 22 I got into a series of hardships, depression, completely closed off socially and basically didn't chase at all apart from some holiday kisses - also started getting the mental illnesses
23-25 - this is when I moved city again and unlocked myself, started working: found a girlfriend on tinder - stayed with her for a couple of months, I wasn't attracted enough to her (a 6/10 if we want to use numbers), got just some handjobs and left her also due to some family pressure and other stuff.
I had some success on holidays abroad, getting validation and several kisses - a girl that was dtf, naked together, but I didn't do anything because didn't have a condom, just got a handjob later.
Then I found a very, very hot girlfriend (probably a 8.5-9/10 if we really had to use numbers), in a period in which i also was quite overweight and low on looks, through social activities: this is when I got a pills-induced sexual dysfunction just the days before having sex with her. for the first months I had no erections, then we managed to get some sex - even though a mostly mediocre one - and overall it was a very deep relationship, the best period of my life despite the issues. we stayed together on and off for almost a years, then I lost her - i guess that the sexual stuff had a relevant part on it, but most of all she wanted to settle down and i was unemployed and without plans at the moment
25-28 i started uni, got a first noticeable glow up (-15 kg, contact lenses, new style, more confidence due to the hot girl I had been with) and also travelled a lot through europe. my main block was the dysfunction - i had several potentially interested girls in uni but never made a move, only once i proposed to a friend and got rejected. In the travels, i "hooked up" (almost) with three girls - all of them without actually having sex: strong LMR. one of them was naked in bed with me but didn't want to do anything unless i promised her a relationship, and i was too honest and naive to manage that situation. the other two was kissing and all but just LMR on the way to the room, without explanation.
In that period I had an almost 100% conversion to dates (I got to the point when I was 100% confident that I could get a date for the night in any town I visited) - going out with several girls met in hostels and trips, got on good vibe dates, dinners, drinks out, art exhibitions - but every time getting rejected at the kiss, usually with "I don't want a relationship right now" (I probably gave strong boyfriend-ish vibes).
28-30 I experienced a worsening of the mental illness problems, got hospitalized a few times and generally retired from social life.
at 30 in particular I had another strong glow up, but also basically felt into the trap of passive social exposure: going out every day but in passive social environments - gym, parks, cafès - but without interacting with anyone.
I also fell into paid sex - resorting several times to paying, out of the complete loneliness, an habit that inflicted a severe wound on my self esteem.
That year I just tried with an acquantaince and an ex that I reconnected with (the 6/10) - again, getting the date but getting rejected.
I also briefly joined tinder where I was instantly ghosted by a girl we had arranged a date with, after I said that I was not working at the moment (instant unmatch and block on the number).
This year
As I said, this year is when I am really working on a gradual, stable re-entry into the world, and to take my dating goal more seriously.
My goal is to find a girlfriend, a more of less stable relationship - I am not so interested in hookups and casual flings right now. I would like the cointinuity of 6-12 months of regular sex and intimacy with one girl.
I am also working on completing my glowup. I got an hair transplant a few months ago, and I'm keeping losing weight and going to the gym (toward a 14% bodyfat goal) and improving my style with small monthly upgrades.
What I tried this year:
Social circle:
- Met a friend of a friend, deep-dived here, good conversation, was Instagram-zoned at the request of number, proposed date via message and got rejected
- Wrote to an old acquaintance on IG, got an uninvested conversation that died there
Online:
I first joined tinder with a couple of photos that got zero matches and left.
Next month I rejoined with more photos, premium-quality, that exploded: 60 matches in a week (30 the first day), half of which of decent quality.
I wrote to 15 of them, was answered by 10, but all the conversations died in one way or another.
Either she stopped answering, or I realised she was uglier than expected, and I got ghosted again similarly to last year (stopped answering and unmatched after asking about my job).
So I decided to uninstall it at least for a couple of months - hopefully forever, because it's really a frustratring medium for all the known reasons that Chase already explained.
One thing I noticed is that, starting from this year, I have much less conversion to dates (zero so far, compared to the previous almost 100%) - despite a noticeable glowup (as certified by the very good tinder matches, that signal that my looks must be ok atm) - it might be that I communicate less boyfriendish vibe or am more direct, which might be good for filtrating but also something to look upon.
- On the bright side, I very recently met a cute girl through a social event (an 8/10 if we want to use rankings), got her contact and had a good conversation - fast answers, reciprocal questions, felt very equal and didn't feel a "chased/chaser" dynamic. I plan on asking her on a date in these days.
It's my main lead so far.
-
Main problems:
First problem - Sexual dysfunction
The real problem is not the ED per se, I think.
I can have sex, even a couple of rounds or 3 or 4 through the day - even if not the best quality or long.
The real problem is that my mind is still set on who I was before the dysfunction - when I was hypersexual.
So probably I give out contrasting signals.
One part of me (the old hypersexual self) may communicate "I could fuck you right now for hours", and another one (the new one with the dysfunction) might say "ehr, well, I actually need some time, let's take it more softly".
I think that this contradiction and communication ambiguity may explain part of the LMRs, something appearing "off".
Second problem - Employment status
As I said, I'm unemployed, living off disability and planning on getting a job or re-enrolling in college later - my doctor adviced to not think about career for another 3-6 months.
I do have a lot of drive and will to rebuild myself, a lot of hopes and dreams, projects, a trajectory more or less clear and ambitious. I know what I want to build and study. But it takes biological time.
No matter how I frame it, this seems to be an instant dealbreaker to some women.
When asked "What do you do?" - both the "Nothing right now" that I said to the tinder girl last year while balding - and the "I'm coming out of some health stuff, I have a small passive income and am rebuilding myself" said to the tinder girl today, with a glow up, premium photos and new hair - both resulted in instant unmatch and ghosting.
Third problem - Unsolved thirst
I always think that if I got a cute girlfriend and fucked her for six months, a lot would be solved.
For one reason or another, I never had 6 months of normal, satisfying sex in my life, even when I had girlfriends.
It would get me the peace of mind, confidence and patience to then approach, manage rejection, focus on self-improvement and, in general, find other girls more easily.
It's like in capitalism - where the "first million" is the hardest but it then makes making the other ones much easier.
The problem is that getting this "first girlfriend" is looking impossible right now.
Fourth problem - Approach freeze
I know that cold approach is the best means of meeting girls, but right now I feel freezed.
I had a moment in which I read some toxic comments online that demonized cold approach - several in a row in a weak moment - and it somehow traumatized me and paralized me, injecting fears into me.
It's gradually improving and I feel closer to starting, though.
As I will say more in the next sections, I do want to absolutely start approaching, but I'm rebuilding social energy and self esteem first.
Fifth problem - Not ideal logistics
This might be secondary, but my logistics is not the best one either. I live with my parents - which is not too strange in my country, I'm still within the limits of the average age of leaving home, but still it gives less autonomy on inviting home and makes me rely more on car and public spots.
Plan
Right now, I'm quite bitter. These rejections, even though they are not so many numerically, are though.
The unsatisfied sexual thirst is huge, and puts a daily hardship on - it's the hardest thing right now, because the sexual need is so huge that it makes going out, working out, being patient, so hard - and risks putting myself on paid sex route again (for which I don't even have the money, by the way).
My plan is this:
Online -
Ditching dating apps for now. Will think about trying them again but I really don't want to use them as a primary channel.
Social circle -
This is my main focus for the year. Especially after coming from years of social isolation.
Focusing on social reactivation.
I have a June full of social events - picked for things that interest me and have good female presence and ease of interaction.
Improv classes, language exchanges, workshops, social drinking.
They already brought one good lead that I will have to update upon.
I did the first 2 social events, with two leads (one has a boyfriend and I kept her as a contact as female friend, the other one is the one I said I want to propose for a date in these days).
More than meeting women there, what I found them useful for is to train the social muscle (in accordance to the "cold approach is not for social beginners").
I noticed that after a social gathering, it feels more natural to talk to strangers. Women give me more subtle invitations - the woman at the grocery store commenting something and looking at me, the acquaintance at the cafè keeping the conversation longer.
So I want to keep on gradual social reactivation through these kind of events.
I know and am seeing how social events are slow, and meeting women there is not always easy - but they still seems much less irritating than apps.
Approaches -
Start approaching very gradually. Could be something like 2-3 in July just to try, 5-6 in August and stabilizing on 10+ from September. Then seeing where it goes from there.
It's definitely my destination - but I really believe in making social activities and cold approaches work together.
I think that social activities can help me work out the social muscle, getting into the mood to talk to strangers, having a backup of people who respect you and don't make me feel socially awkward, and so on.
Basically, I don't want to do 50 approaches per month without having a social life - nor I want to only meet people through social circle, because approaches are what can give volume.
Let's see how it goes.
Honestly, I'm quite pessimistic right now - even though a plan is there, but I'm open to any feedback and honest opinion.
I am very much open to comments, so any advice, guidance and comment is much appreciated here.
First, let's say that my starting point is not easy.
As I said elsewhere, some years ago I got meds-induced sexual dysfunction that damaged my erections.
I also had some mental issues that made me leave a lot of activities and socially retire for a while, and got me a small disability allowance that I live off right now.
This year I found for the first time a new stability - a therapy that is making me functional with no side effects - and I'm reopening myself to the world.
Short dating bio:
14/15 - first gf and sexual experiences (not full act), quite early compared to my peers, lost after a few months because of moving
until 22 I got into a series of hardships, depression, completely closed off socially and basically didn't chase at all apart from some holiday kisses - also started getting the mental illnesses
23-25 - this is when I moved city again and unlocked myself, started working: found a girlfriend on tinder - stayed with her for a couple of months, I wasn't attracted enough to her (a 6/10 if we want to use numbers), got just some handjobs and left her also due to some family pressure and other stuff.
I had some success on holidays abroad, getting validation and several kisses - a girl that was dtf, naked together, but I didn't do anything because didn't have a condom, just got a handjob later.
Then I found a very, very hot girlfriend (probably a 8.5-9/10 if we really had to use numbers), in a period in which i also was quite overweight and low on looks, through social activities: this is when I got a pills-induced sexual dysfunction just the days before having sex with her. for the first months I had no erections, then we managed to get some sex - even though a mostly mediocre one - and overall it was a very deep relationship, the best period of my life despite the issues. we stayed together on and off for almost a years, then I lost her - i guess that the sexual stuff had a relevant part on it, but most of all she wanted to settle down and i was unemployed and without plans at the moment
25-28 i started uni, got a first noticeable glow up (-15 kg, contact lenses, new style, more confidence due to the hot girl I had been with) and also travelled a lot through europe. my main block was the dysfunction - i had several potentially interested girls in uni but never made a move, only once i proposed to a friend and got rejected. In the travels, i "hooked up" (almost) with three girls - all of them without actually having sex: strong LMR. one of them was naked in bed with me but didn't want to do anything unless i promised her a relationship, and i was too honest and naive to manage that situation. the other two was kissing and all but just LMR on the way to the room, without explanation.
In that period I had an almost 100% conversion to dates (I got to the point when I was 100% confident that I could get a date for the night in any town I visited) - going out with several girls met in hostels and trips, got on good vibe dates, dinners, drinks out, art exhibitions - but every time getting rejected at the kiss, usually with "I don't want a relationship right now" (I probably gave strong boyfriend-ish vibes).
28-30 I experienced a worsening of the mental illness problems, got hospitalized a few times and generally retired from social life.
at 30 in particular I had another strong glow up, but also basically felt into the trap of passive social exposure: going out every day but in passive social environments - gym, parks, cafès - but without interacting with anyone.
I also fell into paid sex - resorting several times to paying, out of the complete loneliness, an habit that inflicted a severe wound on my self esteem.
That year I just tried with an acquantaince and an ex that I reconnected with (the 6/10) - again, getting the date but getting rejected.
I also briefly joined tinder where I was instantly ghosted by a girl we had arranged a date with, after I said that I was not working at the moment (instant unmatch and block on the number).
This year
As I said, this year is when I am really working on a gradual, stable re-entry into the world, and to take my dating goal more seriously.
My goal is to find a girlfriend, a more of less stable relationship - I am not so interested in hookups and casual flings right now. I would like the cointinuity of 6-12 months of regular sex and intimacy with one girl.
I am also working on completing my glowup. I got an hair transplant a few months ago, and I'm keeping losing weight and going to the gym (toward a 14% bodyfat goal) and improving my style with small monthly upgrades.
What I tried this year:
Social circle:
- Met a friend of a friend, deep-dived here, good conversation, was Instagram-zoned at the request of number, proposed date via message and got rejected
- Wrote to an old acquaintance on IG, got an uninvested conversation that died there
Online:
I first joined tinder with a couple of photos that got zero matches and left.
Next month I rejoined with more photos, premium-quality, that exploded: 60 matches in a week (30 the first day), half of which of decent quality.
I wrote to 15 of them, was answered by 10, but all the conversations died in one way or another.
Either she stopped answering, or I realised she was uglier than expected, and I got ghosted again similarly to last year (stopped answering and unmatched after asking about my job).
So I decided to uninstall it at least for a couple of months - hopefully forever, because it's really a frustratring medium for all the known reasons that Chase already explained.
One thing I noticed is that, starting from this year, I have much less conversion to dates (zero so far, compared to the previous almost 100%) - despite a noticeable glowup (as certified by the very good tinder matches, that signal that my looks must be ok atm) - it might be that I communicate less boyfriendish vibe or am more direct, which might be good for filtrating but also something to look upon.
- On the bright side, I very recently met a cute girl through a social event (an 8/10 if we want to use rankings), got her contact and had a good conversation - fast answers, reciprocal questions, felt very equal and didn't feel a "chased/chaser" dynamic. I plan on asking her on a date in these days.
It's my main lead so far.
-
Main problems:
First problem - Sexual dysfunction
The real problem is not the ED per se, I think.
I can have sex, even a couple of rounds or 3 or 4 through the day - even if not the best quality or long.
The real problem is that my mind is still set on who I was before the dysfunction - when I was hypersexual.
So probably I give out contrasting signals.
One part of me (the old hypersexual self) may communicate "I could fuck you right now for hours", and another one (the new one with the dysfunction) might say "ehr, well, I actually need some time, let's take it more softly".
I think that this contradiction and communication ambiguity may explain part of the LMRs, something appearing "off".
Second problem - Employment status
As I said, I'm unemployed, living off disability and planning on getting a job or re-enrolling in college later - my doctor adviced to not think about career for another 3-6 months.
I do have a lot of drive and will to rebuild myself, a lot of hopes and dreams, projects, a trajectory more or less clear and ambitious. I know what I want to build and study. But it takes biological time.
No matter how I frame it, this seems to be an instant dealbreaker to some women.
When asked "What do you do?" - both the "Nothing right now" that I said to the tinder girl last year while balding - and the "I'm coming out of some health stuff, I have a small passive income and am rebuilding myself" said to the tinder girl today, with a glow up, premium photos and new hair - both resulted in instant unmatch and ghosting.
Third problem - Unsolved thirst
I always think that if I got a cute girlfriend and fucked her for six months, a lot would be solved.
For one reason or another, I never had 6 months of normal, satisfying sex in my life, even when I had girlfriends.
It would get me the peace of mind, confidence and patience to then approach, manage rejection, focus on self-improvement and, in general, find other girls more easily.
It's like in capitalism - where the "first million" is the hardest but it then makes making the other ones much easier.
The problem is that getting this "first girlfriend" is looking impossible right now.
Fourth problem - Approach freeze
I know that cold approach is the best means of meeting girls, but right now I feel freezed.
I had a moment in which I read some toxic comments online that demonized cold approach - several in a row in a weak moment - and it somehow traumatized me and paralized me, injecting fears into me.
It's gradually improving and I feel closer to starting, though.
As I will say more in the next sections, I do want to absolutely start approaching, but I'm rebuilding social energy and self esteem first.
Fifth problem - Not ideal logistics
This might be secondary, but my logistics is not the best one either. I live with my parents - which is not too strange in my country, I'm still within the limits of the average age of leaving home, but still it gives less autonomy on inviting home and makes me rely more on car and public spots.
Plan
Right now, I'm quite bitter. These rejections, even though they are not so many numerically, are though.
The unsatisfied sexual thirst is huge, and puts a daily hardship on - it's the hardest thing right now, because the sexual need is so huge that it makes going out, working out, being patient, so hard - and risks putting myself on paid sex route again (for which I don't even have the money, by the way).
My plan is this:
Online -
Ditching dating apps for now. Will think about trying them again but I really don't want to use them as a primary channel.
Social circle -
This is my main focus for the year. Especially after coming from years of social isolation.
Focusing on social reactivation.
I have a June full of social events - picked for things that interest me and have good female presence and ease of interaction.
Improv classes, language exchanges, workshops, social drinking.
They already brought one good lead that I will have to update upon.
I did the first 2 social events, with two leads (one has a boyfriend and I kept her as a contact as female friend, the other one is the one I said I want to propose for a date in these days).
More than meeting women there, what I found them useful for is to train the social muscle (in accordance to the "cold approach is not for social beginners").
I noticed that after a social gathering, it feels more natural to talk to strangers. Women give me more subtle invitations - the woman at the grocery store commenting something and looking at me, the acquaintance at the cafè keeping the conversation longer.
So I want to keep on gradual social reactivation through these kind of events.
I know and am seeing how social events are slow, and meeting women there is not always easy - but they still seems much less irritating than apps.
Approaches -
Start approaching very gradually. Could be something like 2-3 in July just to try, 5-6 in August and stabilizing on 10+ from September. Then seeing where it goes from there.
It's definitely my destination - but I really believe in making social activities and cold approaches work together.
I think that social activities can help me work out the social muscle, getting into the mood to talk to strangers, having a backup of people who respect you and don't make me feel socially awkward, and so on.
Basically, I don't want to do 50 approaches per month without having a social life - nor I want to only meet people through social circle, because approaches are what can give volume.
Let's see how it goes.
Honestly, I'm quite pessimistic right now - even though a plan is there, but I'm open to any feedback and honest opinion.
