LTR said she fancies someone new

[memoboy]

What's the best way to take it and act when LTR suddenly said she fancies someone new (on the side)?

I asked her, actually joking, and it turned out to be real. We've been together for 6 years. Currently not living together. I think I have been neglecting her a little but also she has been acting a bit shitty and moody when I have neglected her. Must say that all in all I have been treating her great. She is otherwise loving, says "I love you" a lot, sex life is good (or so I think? . We were supposed to meet and I blew her off as I was really tired that evening and she went out with friends and some foreigner charmed her. Hasn't happened before.

She says she doesn't know what to do with the feeling and is embarrassed and feel sorry blah blah. She says she doesn't want sex but would be great to get to know etc blah blah. I of course know sex would come with the package...

LTR seems really loving still and says she wants no one else to have an LTR with. But yeah, she also laid that out on me.

Throughout the relationship, I had sometimes brought up some poly topics and she has been super defensive and negative towards them. She said she had a not-so-great experience in the past ( I know about it too) and that she cannot really share someone she loves. But now out of the blue, she starts to talk and mention these things in a positive light. Hence I even started to think about what was up and ask that jokingly.

I used to be more into the idea, but as I've got older, I have changed my mindset a bit into more conservative. I don't think those things work anymore long term, for most occasions. Maybe only the Caleb Jones / Blackdragon method, when only ONS and very casual fuck-buddy's are allowed. Not anything to catch real feelings or do BF/GF-like things.

She said it to me at a party and I had no time to really digest it and we did talk a bit about it a bit, but now I have back by myself and I'm wondering how I feel about that. I must say I feel less enthusiastic about her as a proper LTR "future mother of my children" prospect etc.

We did have sex after that party.

Of course, I do have to admit I've had some crushes and feels and little adventures myself in the past. Not anything I've felt compelled enough to tell her though. But she also hadn't asked.

She has turned into more loving after telling me. I must say, I feel more distant and less connected for sure.

Feel like more doing my own thing now. We are not broken up though.

I'm ofc course aware of the desire drops and it's quicker for females etc. I even feel it's crazy we've got so far. Must be the "not living together" mostly and that I've kept her on her toes a little.

 

[Chase]

@memoboy,

This is common in LTRs. Everybody, male and female, gets attracted to other people, gets crushes, etc. The most famous, sexiest Hollywood stars have it happen with their women. You can find plenty of Hollywood super studs whose wives have either left them, cheated on them, or at least admitted to having been attracted to someone else. It is a normal human thing.

There’s a difference between “she’s crushing on a guy” vs. “she’s letting a guy bone her” or “she’s trying to get boned by him.” Her telling you about it is a good sign in favor of the health of the relationship. Her having sex with you right after is also a good sign.

(the bad signs would be her telling you about it then declining sex because she wants some other guy and is just viewing you as a friend now… or her not telling you about it at all because she’s actively trying to hop on this guy’s shaft on the down-low)

As for her talking about doing stuff with this guy, I have an article on girlfriends talking like this:

When Your Girlfriend Asks for an Open Relationship (and You Don't Want That)

hat do you do if a lover, girlfriend, or wife asks you for an open relationship… and you don't want one? How do you say no yet not look weak or cause reactance? We've had a good deal of articles on Girls Chase that discuss entry into an open relationship. Either getting into one with an existing...

www.girlschase.com

She says she doesn't want sex but would be great to get to know etc blah blah. I of course know sex would come with the package...

The correct response here is, “That sounds great. I can start doing that with a few hot girls as well.”

As soon as it becomes a “let’s BOTH introduce a bunch of chaos into the relationship!” scenario and not just a “she would like permission to introduce chaos into the relationship while you stay securely where she’s used to you being” you will discover women tend to lose interest in the whole idea right quick — and it will not even be something you pressured them to do… it will be their own personal decision (because the idea of their guy they like having running around doing God-knows-what with a bunch of hussies doesn’t appeal to them nearly as much as the idea of him waiting around at home while they flirt with Joe New).

The other thing you can say is simply, “Eh, you know what, I don’t think this whole thing suits me. Why don’t we wrap this relationship up, then you can go and date this guy and another guy or two who are down with that, and I’ll go get a girl who’s more aligned with what I’m looking for?”

(the response is always the girl walking it back, saying she is just kidding, or trying to convince you, in which case you can just keep going, “Nah. Why don’t I set you free?” —> but you’ve really got to be able to walk here… you should always be fine being by yourself, and always be ready to enjoy being single again)

Chase

 

[memoboy]

Thanks, @Chase for your splendid response!

I took the 1st convo well and didn't really feel threatened by it or anything. Heck, I have been having similar feelings several times in this LTR and I have been riding them out. I didn't tell her I would go along with it though. Not at all. As I didn't like the idea now. We had just started to maybe think about having a kid maybe and potentially moving in to a new place together. And this seemed totally counter to that. I had been against kids in the past, but have changed my mind now I think.

I had tried to bring up poly and open topics before with her and she has been so defensive about it that I stopped bringing it up. Shutting it down completely. And I had talked about it more in theoretical options, I didn't have a very specific girl lined up right away, asking if I could go and date her. And she has been soooo jealous in the past. But she now confessed that when it's her feeling it, it would be ok for her.

After going home and after a few days, I had a moment to think more about it and I thought I definitely wasn't into it. Especially in the next three months, I will be really busy with work and won't have time to meet and pick up other awesome girls. So I would know I would feel just shitty. And yeah, I would not be into cuckolding or supporting her then, while she would be having stuff going on on the side. Hell no. Doing it with a plate or very casual partners, I could imagine doing it. Or the other option would be if the relationship would be super steady, but I think ours actually has been shaking a bit in its pillars a bit here and threre.

So she explained that I have romanced her very little for quite a while and she misses that. She is probably right though. Haven't gone for a real date for ages. She said it will go over. And she wants to build a life with me. And would wanna go on a date with me instead. But I see she would still wanna meet with him. To feel the butterflies etc. She even said it. That she hasn't felt butterflies for a while and she felt it.
She could be chatting with him right now even of course.

To be brutally honest, it doesn't feel great. And if we would flip that and I would say these things to her, she would totally flip it and go mad. She even said it herself and admitted it. She has been acting very jealous in the past a couple of times actually. Constantly reminding me of some stuff, even when there was nothing going on.

I said to her that if she wanna pursue this, I would be out.
She didn't seem to like that at all.

But the other day, she got Covid and it took some sweet time for me to get her the medicines. In the end, she got them from somewhere else. I had a valid reason though. And so she seemed angry when I got her something else. Even though I normally take care of her okay-ish. I had a very stressful day and I felt shitty for her accusing me of not caring about her enough. Even though she had laid that above stuff on me and it did make me feel a bit weird about her. So I couldn't resist telling her, she should maybe have this new guy bring her the medicines.

So then we argued a little back and fourth and I most likely said some quite stupid things. And also proposing in the end that maybe we should break up or whatnot then.

Don't know what to do now. We have now both pulled away. I asked how she is doing, but she has been cold now.

I should probably go silent? She has a birthday coming up mid-next week though.