Need feedback on my texting: what mistakes did I make?

[Arnav]

Context:
met an art student while riding the subway, good conversation. She was fairly attracted to me during the conv. Had the googly eyes look. Agreed to the date ask without any objection during in person conv.

But she dodged the date ask on text and stop responding after that.

I tried the open>light banter/flirt >soft close>hard close system this time.

I don't know if I did it right, could you guys identify what are the mistakes I made.

Here is the texting conv.

arnav: Was nice meeting you today ~arnav
Gia:

arnav: did you reach your class on time yesterday?
Gia: Yes

arnav: I hope you did not make a sketch of me and show it in class
Gia: No

arnav: good, if you ever draw me. please make me look super handsome
Gia: Okay

[ seeing low responsiveness from her, I switch things to voice notes to revive attraction]

Arnav:
* voice note *
( okayy it's a deal then, I get a free sketch of me, no charges)
Gia: Ok

[still low responiveness, I guessed she was going to stop responding soon if it continues so I went for the date ask]

Arnav:
* voice note *

Okayy gia, so when are we meeting then apart from the subway station, when are u free next?

Gia: I am not really sure right now, I have got a lot of pending work

arnav: okayy. No worries you complete your work. We'll meet when you're free

Gia: Ok
-------------
* 1 week later *

arnav: Hey Gia,
how's your art classes going on? hope things are lighter now.
Anyways I am going to explore & see some new cafes soon maybe this weekend or next, you want to come along?

-no response from her.

 

[topcat]

My general MO with texting for a meet is to first see if a girl can contribute to a pleasant interaction first, before I decide to soft close her.

In your case the girl wasn’t investing at all, so I would have backed off. And pinged her a few days later to test her investment.

As a general rule, you shouldn’t soft close without investment from her. Lack of investment should be met with low interest (low attention, low investment, boredom, silence) on your part. High investment should be rewarded with attention, approval, encouragement (asking her to explain further, emoji reactions to favourable things she says etc.) and invites to extend the interaction further (known as a ‘soft close’ round these parts).

Investment = interest. Lack of investment = lack of interest.

Flirtation is both a reward for investment, and an invite to invest positively in the interaction.

In future, when texting (and interacting with a potential ‘lead’ generally) ask yourself “what is this girl doing that suggests hanging out with her again would be a mutually enjoyable experience?”

If the answer is nothing, encourage her to invest positively in the interaction (implicitly: by finding out if she’s interesting/cool; can she be flirtatious/playful?; does she contribute positively to the conversation).

If she is enjoyable, then it’s only natural (to both you and her) to invite her out privately.

Make sense?

 

[Will_V]

@Arnav first of all did you qualify her during the approach? Lot of times what happens is the emotions cool and she doesn't feel like there's a reason you like her (besides she's hot) and gets cold feet.

arnav: I hope you did not make a sketch of me and show it in class
Gia: No

arnav: good, if you ever draw me. please make me look super handsome
Gia: Okay

[ seeing low responsiveness from her, I switch things to voice notes to revive attraction]

Arnav:
* voice note *
( okayy it's a deal then, I get a free sketch of me, no charges)
Gia: Ok

The thing about sketching you - you pushed that one a bit too far imo, you brought it up 3 times in a row with no engagement from her. Comes across as if that's your canned line.

Was that callback humor (did you joke about it during the approach)? Callback humor is one of the most reliable ways to kick off text banter, because it's something she's already engaged with before.

In any case, after three repeated attempts to engage her failing, going for a soft close is very unlikely to work.

Depending on her personality you could try a couple of things:

- If she's shy, just wait a day and send her a longer message with some info about yourself/what you're doing and prompting her to do the same.

- If she's more playful/confident, tease her a little and call out her lame responses.

Okayy gia, so when are we meeting then apart from the subway station, when are u free next?

This is failing to take the lead. Sounds like you're just handing over the whole question of the date to her to figure out. It also sounds kind of weak and defeated after the lack of engagement from her.

At this point you want to take charge and try to make it as easy as possible for her to say 'yes'. Instead you made it very easy for her to give you a soft 'no'.

arnav: okayy. No worries you complete your work. We'll meet when you're free

Nope, this is again, not taking charge. Also the window of attraction doesn't last long for someone she met for 5 minutes, after a week you're just a vague memory.

I'd keep the banter going and push for a tentative day when she most likely will be free.

Hey Gia,
how's your art classes going on? hope things are lighter now.
Anyways I am going to explore & see some new cafes soon maybe this weekend or next, you want to come along?

Banter and hard close stuffed into one message, 1 week after the last communication? Not gonna work.

It's probably already done at this point but you needed to restart the banter before going for any kind of close.

 

[Arnav]

My general MO with texting for a meet is to first see if a girl can contribute to a pleasant interaction first, before I decide to soft close her.

In your case the girl wasn’t investing at all, so I would have backed off. And pinged her a few days later to test her investment.

As a general rule, you shouldn’t soft close without investment from her. Lack of investment should be met with low interest (low attention, low investment, boredom, silence) on your part. High investment should be rewarded with attention, approval, encouragement (asking her to explain further, emoji reactions to favourable things she says etc.) and invites to extend the interaction further (known as a ‘soft close’ round these parts).

Investment = interest. Lack of investment = lack of interest.

Flirtation is both a reward for investment, and an invite to invest positively in the interaction.

In future, when texting (and interacting with a potential ‘lead’ generally) ask yourself “what is this girl doing that suggests hanging out with her again would be a mutually enjoyable experience?”

If the answer is nothing, encourage her to invest positively in the interaction (implicitly: by finding out if she’s interesting/cool; can she be flirtatious/playful?; does she contribute positively to the conversation).

If she is enjoyable, then it’s only natural (to both you and her) to invite her out privately.

Make sense?

so low investmnt from girl on text = should be low investment from yourself

Then doesnt the interaction die out and she forgets you.

What should be the go to strategy in such situations, where the girl gives minimal responsed
anything that turns around such low investment girls in a texting scenario?

 

[Arnav]

Okayy gia, so when are we meeting then apart from the subway station, when are u free next?
---
This is failing to take the lead. Sounds like you're just handing over the whole question of the date to her to figure out. It also sounds kind of weak and defeated after the lack of engagement from her.
At this point you want to take charge and try to make it as easy as possible for her to say 'yes'. Instead you made it very easy for her to give you a soft 'no'.

What do you mean by failing to take the lead, isn't it a texting principle to check her schedule first and the propose a date with day and time when she is available?

arnav: okayy. No worries you complete your work. We'll meet when you're free

Nope, this is again, not taking charge. Also the window of attraction doesn't last long for someone she met for 5 minutes, after a week you're just a vague memory.

I'd keep the banter going and push for a tentative day when she most likely will be free.

And here as what does taking charge mean could you clarify. When she says she is busy with work or is flaking isntthe right response to be calm and non needy

What were better approaches in these points of intercations?

 

[topcat]

so low investmnt from girl on text = should be low investment from yourself

Correct. If a girl isn't willing to give you more than a one word answer to your inquiries over text, what makes you think she would make the effort to meet up with you?

She's showing you she's not interested.

Then doesnt the interaction die out and she forgets you.

Conversation and seduction requires voluntary investment from both parties. If one party refuses to invest in the interaction, then yes the interaction dies. A party can't be forced to willingly comply with a conversation.

What should be the go to strategy in such situations, where the girl gives minimal responsed
anything that turns around such low investment girls in a texting scenario?

You drop it, give it a few days/weeks/months, and then ping her to see if she is more willing to invest.

Investing on (read: rewarding) low investment, tends to decrease the odds of her investing in future.

 

[Will_V]

What do you mean by failing to take the lead, isn't it a texting principle to check her schedule first and the propose a date with day and time when she is available?

You asked her "... so when are we meeting ... ?", this is putting on her lap the task of setting up the date, makes it sound like you have no constraints whatsoever, and what's more it sounds needy.

What you want to do, especially with a low investment girl like this, is soft close the idea of the date first.

"okay Gia what do you say we grab that coffee later this week, I know a place you'll love"

- Try to avoid question marks when you are asking for investment
- Use a wide net ("later this week") which you can then narrow afterward
- Try to add something intriguing rather than just going for the transaction, make her curious and anticipate it.

You want her to say something like "sounds good!" and then you can start ironing out the details.

If she says something like "I don't know I have lots of work" you can propose sometime the week after. If she's not down for even the week after, and doesn't sound like she's trying to find a solution, personally I'd wish her the best with whatever she's busy with, put it on ice for a week or two and go talk to some more girls - it's probably not going anywhere, but you can be lucky.

And here as what does taking charge mean could you clarify. When she says she is busy with work or is flaking isntthe right response to be calm and non needy

By taking charge I mean that she does not have a big decision dumped on her lap, but instead you are making incrementally more specific suggestions that are easy for her to respond to.

E.g.

You: "what do you say we grab that coffee later this week, I know a place you'll love"
Her: "Okay!"
You: "Good! Does saturday work for you?"
Her: "I have XYZ in the morning but after 2pm I'm free"
You: "Let's do 4pm then? We can meet at the XYZ."
Her: "Okay!"

Here you are leading her through the process of setting up the date, offering suggestions, adjusting to her responses, and making the steps very easy for her - like a dance.

 

[Arnav]

You asked her "... so when are we meeting ... ?", this is putting on her lap the task of setting up the date, makes it sound like you have no constraints whatsoever, and what's more it sounds needy.

What you want to do, especially with a low investment girl like this, is soft close the idea of the date first.

"okay Gia what do you say we grab that coffee later this week, I know a place you'll love"

- Try to avoid question marks when you are asking for investment
- Use a wide net ("later this week") which you can then narrow afterward
- Try to add something intriguing rather than just going for the transaction, make her curious and anticipate it.

You want her to say something like "sounds good!" and then you can start ironing out the details.

If she says something like "I don't know I have lots of work" you can propose sometime the week after. If she's not down for even the week after, and doesn't sound like she's trying to find a solution, personally I'd wish her the best with whatever she's busy with, put it on ice for a week or two and go talk to some more girls - it's probably not going anywhere, but you can be lucky.



By taking charge I mean that she does not have a big decision dumped on her lap, but instead you are making incrementally more specific suggestions that are easy for her to respond to.

E.g.

You: "what do you say we grab that coffee later this week, I know a place you'll love"
Her: "Okay!"
You: "Good! Does saturday work for you?"
Her: "I have XYZ in the morning but after 2pm I'm free"
You: "Let's do 4pm then? We can meet at the XYZ."
Her: "Okay!"

Here you are leading her through the process of setting up the date, offering suggestions, adjusting to her responses, and making the steps very easy for her - like a dance.

Ah okay, this makes sense now.
Thanks for taking the time man, this helped a lot.

 

[Arnav]

Correct. If a girl isn't willing to give you more than a one word answer to your inquiries over text, what makes you think she would make the effort to meet up with you?

She's showing you she's not interested.


Conversation and seduction requires voluntary investment from both parties. If one party refuses to invest in the interaction, then yes the interaction dies. A party can't be forced to willingly comply with a conversation.


You drop it, give it a few days/weeks/months, and then ping her to see if she is more willing to invest.

Investing on (read: rewarding) low investment, tends to decrease the odds of her investing in future.

Okay I see this mkre clearly now, thanks a lot topcat. I guess I made a mess of it then, lol.

Anyways will keep these pointers in mind next time.

 

[topcat]

Okay I see this mkre clearly now, thanks a lot topcat. I guess I made a mess of it then, lol.

Anyways will keep these pointers in mind next time.

All good dude. Took me years to figure it out