Long-Term possible article? Living with GF.

The Tool

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Recently the GF and I have decided that one day in 6 months to a year we were going to begin to live togeather once we get the funds to do so.

And I was hoping as a possible Girls Chase Website article that there could be one essentially "How to Live with your Girlfriend".

Or if it permits I was hoping for your Advice Chase on how this would be done.


Thanks.

The Tool
 

Franco

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Good question here, Tool. My initial thought was that planning on moving in so far ahead of time probably isn't the wisest move (that's at least a good 6 months of feeling like she has you), but if you've been managing your relationship well, I don't see it as an absolute deal-breaker either.

I'll point Chase toward this one so we can see what he has to say. =)

- Franco
 

The Tool

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Thanks a lot Franco. Much appreciated.

My initial thought was that planning on moving in so far ahead of time probably isn't the wisest move (that's at least a good 6 months of feeling like she has you)
Yea..When we were discussing it the first thing that popped into my head was this exact thing. And I thought to myself I cant let her think she completely has me. But then I realized regardless of weather I said yes. She wont think she completely has me. For I've set the right tone given by this site ;)

but if you've been managing your relationship well, I don't see it as an absolute deal-breaker either.
exactly. By the way things have been going I have been managing this relationship pretty damn well (knock on wood).

And This girl definitely knows what she wants and she says it subtlety. and that's for the relationship to move forward. And I want the relationship to move forward as well.
She gets extremely excited when she talks about us moving in together. Makes her happy. And that makes me happy :) So even if I don't do everything this site says to do in a relationship to a T (example stated in the first quote) that's alright by me :) because then I will learn something if it doesn't go the desired route :)

Thanks again Franco.

Cheers, The Tool
 

ZacAdam

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Hi Guys,

i would like to hear and read Chase opinion on the basis of living with your girlfriend, too. :)

As most of you all know, the website here are geared towards being a sexual man. I thought about the expectation settings of your girl, or wife, (this is if you married) as very important. If i remember correctly, Chase do not encourage having sex everyday as she would expect you to reach that level of standard. Maintaining a balance between a sexual man and expectation setting. i emphasize, this is questions.

Anyway given i had one long term relationship, i will like to learn from Chase too about being sexual man, keeping that spark of fire while also keeping expectation setting, and what are the important things to take note. Probably groceries, rent, bills is something if you as a boyfriend, will need to discuss. Maybe as husband, you do slightly more? and for the sex part is also crucial as well. Changing positions, trying kinky stuff just to keep things fresh. Hitting the gym, cardio.

Going a bit way off here, but yea, it will be nice to hear Chase opinion. He used to be married if i am right. So he probably knows a whole lot of the nuance.

Zac
 

Chase

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Tool-

I've had some stretches of time where I've lived with girlfriends, and I'd give you the following recommendations - the first you can't do, since you've already discussed it, but the rest you can (I'll also add it to the article queue and get a proper article up on it at some point):

1.) Don't plan far ahead in the future - just ask her if it's cool if you can crash with her and tell her if she needs you out at some point, just to give you a few days' notice, OR, if you want her moving in with her, just let her come over more and more whenever she wants, let her leave stuff at your place and don't throw it out (which you'll want to do with small things she leaves behind if you DON'T want her getting too settled in), and eventually when her lease expires or she's fighting too much with her roommate just wait until she asks if she can just stay with you and tell her, "I guess that's okay, so long as you [whatever your most important rules are - respect that I need to work a lot, and either won't be home, or will be but need to be left alone, is one of mine]."

2.) Preferably get a 2-bedroom, one room that's both of your bedrooms, and one room that's your office. You need a place where you can go, shut the door, and be in peace - maybe have a bed in your office too, that way if there's whatever reason the two of you are fighting and/or you just don't feel like going to bed with you too, you can just tell her you're sleeping in your office, and she can decide to come in to you when she wants to make up. Also, I date a lot of messy women for some reason, so... it's nice having ONE place in the apartment if you're staying with a girl where everything is clean, orderly, and you know where it is and can get it in half a second, instead of spending 5 minutes looking for anything you want to use and finally locating it under a pile of clothes or stuffed into the last place you would ever look for it.

3.) Be lazy. Even if you're the neat one, household chores will tend to get done on their own if you wait for them to happen long enough. If you can afford it, have a maid service come once a week or so for a few hours to tidy up, that way your girl won't have to feel like she's the housewife TOO much if she doesn't want that role, and you can still have a place that isn't a complete pigsty.

4.) Train her to initiate sex. This is easier to do if you have a really important mission in your life that is way more important to you than your relationship is - you'll be transmuting the better part of your sexual energy into work output, and won't worry about sex a whole lot. Most girls aren't used to being the initiators at first, so you have to encourage them: "I'm REALLY busy, and I transmute a lot of my sex energy into work energy, and I'm always thinking about my personal projects - if you start feeling horny, you have to let me know it, otherwise you're going to be going insane and I'm going to be happily working away at whatever my tasks for the day are. I can perform whenever you need me to perform - sex drive is not a problem - I'm just usually putting most of that into work, and I need you to let me know when it's time for sex when you want me to deliver." And then, when she comes into you: "You need to turn me on... here, I'll show you how. Strip your clothes off... yeah, like that. That's sexy as hell. Put your mouth on me. Take my cock out and rub your naked pussy all over it."

5.) If you're both at home, encourage her to knock on your door when she needs sex or needs to talk... but not TOO much. You don't want constant interruptions, but you don't want her to feel like she's got to suppress herself, either (which leads down the road to resentment). So tell her if she has something she needs to talk about or do with you, it's okay to knock on the door and come in.

6.) Stress over and over and over again in the beginning how important it is for you to do your work. When you're first living together, most people (girlfriends, male friends and roommates... everyone, just about) do not realize how much free time or how little free time you have, and they will gradually try to take up more and more of your time because you're a cool person who's good conversation and good company and they enjoy being around you. You MUST be able to 1.) draw the line, and say, "All right, well, I have to get back to work now," and 2.) you must stress again and again how important it is that you work, and communicate this in a way that THEY can wrap their heads around - most people have unseemly amounts of free, unproductive time that they want to spend chit-chatting or lounging around on the sofa watching reality TV or just generally being lions on the savannah resting between their kills or pigs in the mud hanging out between matings and rooting for food, and unless you're able to explain to them, "I realize it may seem like I'm just hanging out when I'm in the office because I'm always relaxed and I try to make a lot of time for you, but I really do have a LOT of work to do, and it is VERY important that I do it - it's how I pay the bills, it's how I'm able to live the kind of life I live and you are too, and it's crucial for me to build what I need to build to do the things I want to do with my future. My work is very, very, very important to me. You're important to me too - but work HAS to come first, because without it, nothing else is possible."

If you're not working on your own thing, some of these may not be as applicable, but I don't much know how regular people without important projects for them live their lives together. I suspect this is actually a big reason why men these days spend so much time doing housework and being "equals" with women - they're working, the woman's working, and then they're both at home at the same time, and they really ARE equals - neither of them is doing anything more important or more demanding than the other.

In that light, my last recommendation would probably be this:

7.) Make absolutely, positively, deafeningly certainly SURE that you have some sort of project you're building and working on by the time you move in with a girl - some overriding purpose for your life that trumps all others - that is going to prevent you from sinking into the normal apathetic "we're just living together like a couple of equals" sit-on-the-couch-and-watch-TV-all-night lifestyle that 99% of couples living together fall into. I can tell you very honestly that the women I've lived with - who work HARDER for me, get LESS face time with me, and have LOWER equality with me, are way, WAY happier than the laid back, face time replete, fully equal partners of the male friends I have.

They meet a girl I'm staying with for a while, and say, "Wow... she seems really happy!"

I meet their girlfriends, whom they live with and dote on and treat like princesses, and it's, "GodDAMN that girl is miserable."

Women will fight for less work at home, and more face time with you, and more equality with you... but if they get those things, they won't long value them, and won't long value YOU.

Remember that respect is important above all, and that you must have something greater than your relationship if you are to maintain it.

Women know when they're your #1 thing, and when they become it, you quit being THEIR #1 thing.

And, when you do get disrespect in the home - clamp down on that like a BEAST. Demand that she tell you why she's saying XYZ thing, and keep insisting she tell you why she's disrespecting you, and give her the silent treatment if she won't. Go shut the door in your office and wait for her to crack. Sometimes this will take days... and if you aren't fine with breaking up with her, and even EXCITED at the prospect of being single, you will crack before she does, and then your goose is cooked and you end up like one of my friends with miserable live-in girlfriends.

Win every drama battle with her, and show her through example that causing drama with you only results in her losing power to you and submitting to your will. The drama dries up pretty quickly after this. She creates drama? You escalate. She creates? You escalate. She must always back down first. This is the opposite of how most men deal with women.

Alternatively, when you notice she's DOWN emotionally, you must give her some attention, find out what's causing it - the real ROOT of the problem - and address it.

If she's down too much, try taking a daytrip or a week-long trip with her somewhere to break her routine and see if that gets her spirits back up - if it doesn't, break up, because a woman who's always down will drag you down there with her.

Never have sex with her on a day you've fought. Makeup sex is tempting, but it unconsciously trains her to associate tons of drama with amazing sex. You don't have to be sneaky; you can tell her outright: "The brain forms connections, and I don't want your brain making the connection that causing drama leads to great sex, so we can't have sex today. We can have sex TOMORROW - we can do it first thing in the morning even. But sex today is off the table, because we fought today."

The opposite lesson ends up being engrained in her head - fighting leads to no sex. She'll soon begin to realize that what she wants with you when horny is honey, not vinegar.

Aside from days you're fighting, try to put out whenever she wants sex, even if you're tired, you had diarrhea that day, you popped a ligament doing bench presses... whatever. Turning her down occasionally is okay, but if you reject her too much, she'll start to not want to initiate, or won't bother, and instead will keep her sexual energy bottled up, building resentment against you, which she'll unleash in a hurricane of drama over something stupid and insignificant or, if the relationship gets REALLY rocky, possibly turn loose on the nearest attractive male she stumbles on.

Keep the sex good, but it doesn't always have to be amazing. Try to give her really standout, amazing, curl-your-toes-OMG-it's-good sex at least a couple of times a month, though. If you do it too much, she'll get too addicted to sex, and then you'll never get anything done because you'll just be having sex all the time. Her emotions will also go haywire, and she'll get heavily attached to you, and also extremely jealous, possessive, and territorial... it's good for the sex to not be TOO good much of the time, with some great sex sprinkled in here and there when you're up for it.

Don't be afraid to say 'no' to romantic comedies. There's no reason a man needs to watch those flicks.

Chase
 

The Tool

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(I'll also add it to the article queue and get a proper article up on it at some point):
awesome. I look forward to it Chase.

Thanks for the reply.

Question on the Be Lazy part. Doesnt the laziness. I.E waiting for her to do everything. Wont that lead to problems? fights? and a feeling of neglect. - which is what can lead to cheating.

Win every drama battle with her, and show her through example that causing drama with you only results in her losing power to you and submitting to your will. The drama dries up pretty quickly after this. She creates drama? You escalate. She creates? You escalate. She must always back down first. This is the opposite of how most men deal with women.
Ah yes. Will have to re read your drama articles ;)

Aside from days you're fighting, try to put out whenever she wants sex, even if you're tired, you had diarrhea that day, you popped a ligament doing bench presses... whatever. Turning her down occasionally is okay, but if you reject her too much, she'll start to not want to initiate, or won't bother, and instead will keep her sexual energy bottled up, building resentment against you, which she'll unleash in a hurricane of drama over something stupid and insignificant or, if the relationship gets REALLY rocky, possibly turn loose on the nearest attractive male she stumbles on.
Ah yes! Have to nip it in the bud. We have had 1 small "fight" if you will and we ended up having sex after. I will definitely need to implement this to ensure less drama.

Thanks alot Chase.

Cheers, The Tool
 

ZacAdam

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Chase said:
3.) Be lazy. Even if you're the neat one, household chores will tend to get done on their own if you wait for them to happen long enough. If you can afford it, have a maid service come once a week or so for a few hours to tidy up, that way your girl won't have to feel like she's the housewife TOO much if she doesn't want that role, and you can still have a place that isn't a complete pigsty.
In a family setting, THIS IS TRUE! too, and it happens here. But i guess sometimes you can help, perhaps. IT's like trying to be the guy who hyping the class in school, Always Never Work!!!

Chase said:
5.) If you're both at home, encourage her to knock on your door when she needs sex or needs to talk... but not TOO much. You don't want constant interruptions, but you don't want her to feel like she's got to suppress herself, either (which leads down the road to resentment). So tell her if she has something she needs to talk about or do with you, it's okay to knock on the door and come in.
Tool, this happens with phone calls too, Don't answer when she calls you all the time, women call and talk about things you don't want to hear, and sometimes when they are encouraged, they called everyday, and talk things you don't want to hear.

Zac
 

Chase

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T Vaunswa said:
Question on the Be Lazy part. Doesnt the laziness. I.E waiting for her to do everything. Wont that lead to problems? fights? and a feeling of neglect. - which is what can lead to cheating.
It can if you don't properly set expectations.

The expectations I set are "my time is important, I don't want to live in a dirty place, but I don't want to spend a lot of time having to clean stuff up, either." When I've lived alone, I live a very Spartan existence, eat simple foods, and have little to clean - I tell girls this. "If you don't want to clean, that's fine, but don't leave tons of plates and glasses and stuff junking up the sink, because that's just disgusting and makes it impossible to clean anything, please. If you don't want to do all the cleaning, I'm fine cleaning my own stuff after a meal - I only use like a plate and a glass and maybe a knife when I eat anything, and these are easy to clean - but let's keep it tidy."

If it's her place obviously you can't be as demanding - and in that case, usually it's nice if you can do a LITTLE extra cleaning to show some appreciation for the accommodations. But don't go becoming a house husband or anything.

Likewise with general cleaning: "I don't have a lot of time to spend cleaning, and if you don't want to clean either that's fine too, but we've GOT to keep the place tidy." Then if she starts making messes and not cleaning up, just point them out to her: "Can you not wear your sneakers indoors? It tracks dirt all over the carpet, which is really nasty to walk on when you and I are trying to walk around on without shoes on." If she says, "It's fine for me!" then you just say, "Well, it's nasty for ME. So please - no sneakers indoors. Your feet will be fine without rubber on the bottom of them."

Eventually she'll just start cleaning the place because she knows it pisses you off when it's dirty, and then you can tell her the place looks really neat and clean and you're impressed and it feels so good to be in such a clean place, and she'll start to take pride keeping the place neat and clean.

She'll be a little annoyed up front, but there's always some chafing at the start of these relationships as you figure out who's in charge and who's making the rules of the apartment. Once this is established, unless you're a real ass about it, it becomes more a "she knows you like certain things a certain way, and you make her feel good when she takes care of them, so now she mostly enjoys doing it" situation, or, at the very least, she just gets used to cleaning and sees that as part and parcel with being the woman in the home.

Chase
 

ZacAdam

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Tool,

Chase said:
She'll be a little annoyed up front, but there's always some chafing at the start of these relationships as you figure out who's in charge and who's making the rules of the apartment. Once this is established, unless you're a real ass about it, it becomes more a "she knows you like certain things a certain way, and you make her feel good when she takes care of them, so now she mostly enjoys doing it" situation, or, at the very least, she just gets used to cleaning and sees that as part and parcel with being the woman in the home.
Gotta love this guy. :) Nope, not gay at all.

Zac
 

The Tool

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Ah. Excellent. Clarifies it so clean and therough I have nothing to comment :)

Thanks alot Chase.
 

Franco

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Tool,

Make sure to give her some amazing sex when you come home and see that the floor is sparkling clean. Make her crave the reward of cleaning up the apartment.

Just my two cents! ;D

- Franco
 

The Tool

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Make sure to give her some amazing sex when you come home and see that the floor is sparkling clean. Make her crave the reward of cleaning up the apartment.

Just my two cents! ;D

- Franco
It Shall be done ;)
 
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