FR Remember to Lead

[Francis]

Ok so I tried something a little unusual. I posted on reddit for a college town where it's kind of empty for summer but still sees some action. I used the word "wingman" first and it got auto deleted. So I posted again and said I was looking for anyone who is sitting at home wishing they had someone to go with to bars and clubs to meet people, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

I got maybe 20 DM's and ended up chatting back and forth a decent bit and made plans for a specific venue and time with five girls from early to late 20's. All of them were "chasing" the idea, actively planning. All but one confirmed this morning. I expected some flaking but in the end only one showed up. So maybe not a good strategy.

But when I got in the place, I noticed a girl arrived alone. Super cute, slim. I approached and asked if she was meeting someone (thinking maybe she was one of my group). She said no and we got talking. She had been flaked on for a date because the dude got laid off and was all mixed up, and she decided to come out for the first time in her life (other than once she went to a movie alone). She opened up real well to me about her passions and such.

Then one girl from reddit arrives and we grab a table. They get along very well. We then bounce to another venue that is like no lie fifty guys either 90% naked in harnesses or in furry costumes. We then proceed to play a game of pool. I have very good proximity with both of them when we get close to talk, like they are definitely enjoying body contact, my hand on their backs, faces really close, sexual eye contact etc.

One is a white girl from a rural area, and the other I planned to meet was black from Africa working on her PhD. Both super slim and super cute. We bounced back to the first venue and sat at a different table, then to a third upstairs bar, then to the outside area. Great venue for pickup cause there's a dance floor, lots of areas for verbal, isolation, narrow hallways, etc. I'll be back, though it's not close by.

Anyways, the black girl leaves about 1:30am and asked what I'm doing tomorrow lol so we will hang again sometime. She had a blast. So I'm left with the white girl outdoors, legs touching, deep intimate conversation about relationships and things. Frame is set for casual. She tells me she's had fuck buddies. She goes to the bathroom and I get talking to a couple random guys.

She comes back and joins the conversation. She is really into martial arts and gets taking to this dude who is also into it. This is a major hobby of hers. This guy is not a threat at all, basically social convo with AFC.

Venue closes and we are parked in different directions so she says bye to me and this guy and abruptly departs.

I start driving and a little later see she sent me a selfie with dreamy eyes like those cologne ad model dudes and said she is at her car but going to wait a bit for the drunks to get going before driving home.

So of course I'm like fuck this is an escalation window but I'm already on the highway. So later I text her that it was an abrupt goodbye, I would have walked her to her car, to text me when she got home safe, and I hope to see her again. No answer but we'll see.

So I'm thinking I should have left the dude when she came back from the bathroom and isolated her immediately again. Or alternatively if that did not play, then to at least walk her to her car at the end. It all happened so fast, I was tired not thinking sharp.

It was four hours with these two girls like a preselection echo chamber. Whatever the case, I learned it is very important to take a strong lead.

Live and learn.

 

[Derek da man]

I think you're doing really well working with 2 girls simultaneously - I get mentally tired with just 1 !!!

Sounds to me like you're very sociable and easily connect with most people - hence getting on with the 2 guys at the bar, so that plus you have going for you actually played against you here.

So I'm thinking I should have left the dude when she came back from the bathroom and isolated her immediately again

At that time of the night it's time to keep her isolated as much as possible which prevents anyone blocking things. It's time to leave, either because the venue is closing or because you want to move things on doesn't matter. When it gets to that point just need to move things along. As she returned I would have bid the guys goodnight and moved her along away from them or anyone else as far as possible.

Girls often go to the bathroom not because they want the toilet but more often to check their make-up/hair/etc which is the cue she's wanting you to escalate. It may not be a conscious thought process on her part, but experience says it's time to escalate and bounce or bounce then escalate - depending on your style/venue/logistics.

 

[Francis]

I think you're doing really well working with 2 girls simultaneously - I get mentally tired with just 1 !!!

Thanks man, yeah this was brand new to me. I just kept it chill and got to know them without "hitting on them" but balanced it with nonverbals, which was more just naturally letting my attraction pull me in close proximity cause it felt good to create that tension.

Sounds to me like you're very sociable and easily connect with most people - hence getting on with the 2 guys at the bar, so that plus you have going for you actually played against you here.

Agreed yeah I was too sociable at the wrong time here. Just followed the Chase tip for guys... Simply asked about what they do, short probing questions Dale Carnegie style

As she returned I would have bid the guys goodnight and moved her along away from them or anyone else as far as possible.

Yuppp

Girls often go to the bathroom not because they want the toilet but more often to check their make-up/hair/etc which is the cue she's wanting you to escalate

I'll remember this, thanks... Wasn't thinking that at all...

She was still sobering up to drive so I didn't move to pull since she lives with family our only logistics were in the car, etc.

I thought we'd naturally just leave together and I'd kiss her at the car or something but I was too passive and chill just hanging out even before the bathroom break. Should have said let's go for a walk so I could stretch my legs before the drive home.

 

[Francis]

Revived today...

***

After this occurred, one of the girls invited us to go out again and pregame at her place.

Both are bi, so I started teasing in our group chat about her trying to seduce us.

I honestly forget how it played out, but the girl of main interest ended up canceling, probably because of it, but not sure.

***

[TEN MONTHS LATER]

Her: We're going to a park right up the road from you if you wanted to bring [name] for a little bit

Me: Wrong number but cool to hear from you. I'm in the area today by chance. Hope all is well.

Her: Yeah sorry I meant [name] but asked Siri to do it
[7 minutes later] How have you been?

Me: No worries [her name]. Phones have a tendency to fuck things up [subtext what happened with us, shifting blame hah]. Life is great. If you have time to meet me today let's catch up over coffee or something.

Her: I have class later tonight but maybe before?

Me: Sure, that works. What time are you able.. I'm hopping around all day, getting random work done. Free as a bird. [Maybe not good frame, but still busy... It worked out below to be so flexible upfront]

Her: Class starts at [#] so I could do around [#]?

Me: Good to see you're making the most of the warmth today. Ok [#]pm it is. If you let me know where class is around I can find a spot to meet

Her: I go to [school]
So [area] would work
[Redacted, logistics, said she can meet earlier]

Me: Ok just shoot me a text when you're getting close to wrapping up. I don't know how you feel about a walk by [area], but I'm seeing [coffee place] and/or this [park map link]

Her: Coffee works, I'm always down for caffeine

Me: Cool, how's [place, outdoor seating]

Her: Sounds good!

[Logistics]

She came in and had longer, different hair. It had been about 10 months.

We basically just shot the shit, with her telling me stuff about herself and talking very fast. She seemed more excited than when we met and maybe a little nervous. I maintained good eye contact.

At once point I took out the selfie she had sent me and showed her (with the dreamy eyes) and held it up next to her over her shoulder.

She mentioned at one point how people mirror body language when they're interested in someone, so I noted how our legs were arranged the same.

She mentioned being very contrarian and how her mom used to tell her to pick any outfit except one of the ones she wanted her to wear, and the reverse psychology would work on her. So I said I definitely do not want her to kiss me and to not do it, then cut the thread (instead of silent tension) like getting a chase frame to register and keeping it moving. She kept talking, smiling.

A little later, I cold read her tendency to think things through comprehensively (true based on what she was telling me). She said she is actually pretty spontaneous like how we met up today, and going out the first time, which she never does. She was also talking about adult playgrounds and I played dumb a mentioned sex clubs.

A little later, I was about to suggest getting up to stretch our legs (and isolate somewhere), but before I could, she checked her phone and said she had to get going, but that we should get together again.

Earlier she said she now works closer to where I live than where she does.

So I walked her to her car. I remembered her car's name (I think I've met three girls now that I know of who have named their cars). I dropped other random things about her I remembered throughout the date. It was quick - about an hour.

She hugged me goodbye, then referencing above, I said don't kiss me. She said "no?"

And then she kissed me. Hard. And kept kissing.

I broke it and grabbed her hand, which she grabbed back, then I started walking away and let it go while we said goodbye. I didn't try to get her to skip class or anything. She had to talk to a prof about a paper so it would have been an uphill battle. She's definitely down to meet again, so maybe I can get her to come towards my place after her work sometime.

Thanks Siri

 

[Francis]

Underrated @Skills tip don't delete numbers. Would have had to ask who it was and interrupted the flow.

 

[Francis]

Good to see you're making the most of the warmth today

Forgot to put she sent a pic here of the park from the first text

 

[Francis]

We met in a parking lot near the airport to watch the planes take off at a busy hour, on her way home from work.

I'm going to skip the texting since she was fully down to meet. She has an anxious attachment style, so there's a lot of random personal stuff throughout. @POB @Will_V @Teevster I don't know field report best practices for privacy, but the details especially at the end are what makes it an interesting report to me. Please call me out or feel free to remove if you think it's too far. I figure even if someone knew her and read this, they wouldn't identify her. Most of it could be a lot of people, but the end part would be known by very few people in the world.

***

She has ADHD, maybe autism (says she misses social cues), is 5-10 years younger (and asked my age to then process and conclude it was an acceptable gap), had early childhood long-term molestation, and teen years physical abuse. She hasn't "talked with" any guys (entertained a suitor) for "about a year", meaning most likely the guy who had canceled the night she met me. This is mostly because of the part at the end.

She asked to meet an hour earlier and we ended up parking facing the other direction and completely forgot about the planes, lost in conversation. I kissed her for a bit before we got in the car. She chatted very excitedly for a couple hours. I am pretty good at active listening and feeding back emotions. I do think it's a skill to be able to not have any negative hits in the conversation, keeping it fully good vibes for that long with someone who is saying so many things so fast. It ended up being a very busy parking lot, and mostly due to a factor below, it was not "on" to move her to the back seat.

When she mentioned the social cues, I put my hand on her leg and asked what she thought that meant. Same thing with having a mattress in the back of my car. After all her disclosure, I just straight up told her I've always been single and plan to live that way until maybe wanting kids way down the line. We discussed a lot of topics including Eastern religion, impermanence, relationship progression, etc. At one point I used the phrase "fucking your friends". She smiled and said it was very French of me.

This was after she told me she has a medical condition and needs to take things slow since she has for a while now been freezing up during sex, to the point that she cannot move or speak. She has done MRI's and EKG's for this.

Her neurologist wants her to find a partner to do a monitored sex study with, fully observed by female doctors.

 

[gameboy]

We met in a parking lot near the airport to watch the planes take off at a busy hour, on her way home from work.

I'm going to skip the texting since she was fully down to meet. She has an anxious attachment style, so there's a lot of random personal stuff throughout. @POB @Will_V @Teevster I don't know field report best practices for privacy, but the details especially at the end are what makes it an interesting report to me. Please call me out or feel free to remove if you think it's too far. I figure even if someone knew her and read this, they wouldn't identify her. Most of it could be a lot of people, but the end part would be known by very few people in the world.

***

She has ADHD, maybe autism (says she misses social cues), is 5-10 years younger (and asked my age to then process and conclude it was an acceptable gap), had early childhood long-term molestation, and teen years physical abuse. She hasn't "talked with" any guys (entertained a suitor) for "about a year", meaning most likely the guy who had canceled the night she met me. This is mostly because of the part at the end.

She asked to meet an hour earlier and we ended up parking facing the other direction and completely forgot about the planes, lost in conversation. I kissed her for a bit before we got in the car. She chatted very excitedly for a couple hours. I am pretty good at active listening and feeding back emotions. I do think it's a skill to be able to not have any negative hits in the conversation, keeping it fully good vibes for that long with someone who is saying so many things so fast. It ended up being a very busy parking lot, and mostly due to a factor below, it was not "on" to move her to the back seat.

When she mentioned the social cues, I put my hand on her leg and asked what she thought that meant. Same thing with having a mattress in the back of my car. After all her disclosure, I just straight up told her I've always been single and plan to live that way until maybe wanting kids way down the line. We discussed a lot of topics including Eastern religion, impermanence, relationship progression, etc. At one point I used the phrase "fucking your friends". She smiled and said it was very French of me.

This was after she told me she has a medical condition and needs to take things slow since she has for a while now been freezing up during sex, to the point that she cannot move or speak. She has done MRI's and EKG's for this.

Her neurologist wants her to find a partner to do a monitored sex study with, fully observed by female doctors.

sounds like its related to her trauma.... so probably psycholigical i would assume but ofc im not a doctor

 

[Francis]

sounds like its related to her trauma.... so probably psycholigical i would assume but ofc im not a doctor

Agreed - my armchair diagnosis is it's a "playing dead" response, like prey going limp.

I find psychology interesting, but don't always enjoy the reality of it. I would wager she is into impact play.

I've seen this type of thing before. This one has a good relationship with her parents, but trauma permeates, man... Here's a field tested, instant-panty-dropping line that would need [redacted context]: "I will not pay for the sins of your father". She did not feel good after.

 

[gameboy]

Agreed - my armchair diagnosis is it's a "playing dead" response, like prey going limp.

I find psychology interesting, but don't always enjoy the reality of it. I would wager she is into impact play.

I've seen this type of thing before. This one has a good relationship with her parents, but trauma permeates, man... Here's a field tested, instant-panty-dropping line that would need [redacted context]: "I will not pay for the sins of your father". She did not feel good after.

Psychology is fascinating indeed!