She's been sexually harassed, and I fit the profile?

[Hue]

Weird situation here.

So the girl who I nearly caught oneitis for and I were to get coffee this monday. We had set up a place to get coffee, and thereafter gone to study. I really only cared about the coffee.

Last night around midnight she texts me asking if I draw, and I fuck with her over text, but then it takes a serious tone. Some guy from instagram sent her a weird sexual drawing of them two with a strange request for 100$. I'd post the texts but this could become serious and I don't want any more involvement with this than I already have.

In summary, I didn't understand the seriousness of the situation, and just thought she wanted attention. After I told her no, this could not have been me, I asked if it's normal for her to get guys on insta creeping her (she's a model with a shit ton of followers). It is, and since she was texting paragraphs to me I hit her back with a paragraph trying to be empathetic towards the weird creepy guys and that people change, but I totally understand her discomfort with the situation. It didn't communicate very well and she took it as me defending THE creepy guy.

She sent me pictures of normal messages she gets, and I said something right before I went to bed that was taken coldly.

Then this afternoon she texts me that she has a doctor's appointment and can't make the study session. I tell her no biggie, I'll find others to study with, but that I might be getting off work early tonight. The creepy insta stuff was not in my train of thought whatsoever.

Then she hit's me with "your half hearted defense of the instagram guy really freaked me out" and she won't be seeing me. I'm sitting there like what the fuck? And we exchange in some back and forth texting. She tells me she's sketched out because no one responded the way I did. I essentially explained I that my perspective is that the creep (she now sent me the screen shots - this guy is into being dominated by bitchy girls and drew a graphic picture of them with a long paragraph begging for punishment sex) is way out of line and should keep his weird ass fetishes to himself, but that I pity individuals like that. I understand that she is scared but I'm surprised she considered me a possible perpetrator (being that I have the same color hair as him, and he mentioned they were in a class together). She made the leap of logic because of how scared she is, which she explains in the texts.

I tell her I didn't think my hair color and some lazy texts would make her think it was me / I had anything to do with this, and that I'm sorry it happened to her as it's super fucking creepy - and she should report the guy. She doesn't want to report the guy because it's too much work, although she's never reported anyone and doesn't know how. She said sorry for profiling me, and I told her I understand.


So I'm still wrestling with the cognitive dissonance of trying to be empathetic + this guys a creep + she wants attention + she's scared shitless + I'm not her boyfriend / emotional tissue (her texts read as though she expected my complete sympathy) + I'm really into this girl. It's weird.

Any input on this dudes? I might have not explained it great, so feel free to ask questions. I'm just looking for another pair of eyes on this.


Hue

 

[Sandman]

If a girl is mad at someone it's better to show solidarity with the girl by matching her emotion and getting mad at that person even though the girl may not be 100% "on the right" per say. So I think it would be better if you got mad a little then changed the subject. Unfortunately texting is medium ripe for misunderstandings....

 

[Hue]

If a girl is mad at someone it's better to show solidarity with the girl by matching her emotion and getting mad at that person even though the girl may not be 100% "on the right" per say.

Yea I see that. I didn't see the serious of it until the 2nd day where she sent me the screenshots, so I underreacted with the situation. The 1st day she sent me guys sending her "I love you" in her DM's, which I thought was funny, then tried to optimistic about the whole thing, which didn't meet her where she was at whatsoever.

Emotionally speaking, I didn't meet her at her level at all which can have bad reactions.

So I think it would be better if you got mad a little then changed the subject. Unfortunately texting is medium ripe for misunderstandings....

Yea, go texting. I did let her know, after seeing the pictures how the dude is definitely in the wrong, but that might not matter because of how my texts made her feel initially.

If this were in person I'd be able to explain myself if she caught a wiff of me not being on her level that trying to be empathetic to both sides. My last internship partially worked with sexual offenders, so I see guys like this and normally think "that's too bad, I hope they can fix themselves to function better with society" where as some other people may see guys and think "you sick fuck, die".
EDIT: It would be incongruent with my actual feelings to get grossly pissed at these kind of dudes, but I guess that doesn't matter with how she likely perceives it.

 

[Mr.Rob]

So if your worried about her like reporting you or filing a warrant or something against you because she's paranoid I think your good legally speaking (I'm assuming that was your biggest worry with all this).

I don't however think you have much of a shot with this girl anymore (though it sounds like your probably thinking the same).

I think it'd be really easy legally speaking to trace back to who actually sent her those creepy messages etc. so it'd be hard to pin you down if you had nothing to do with it.

Too bad the text message thing got misinterpreted, I've lost a few girls myself over one single text. Sucks I know lol but I think you should be good in this situation.

 

[Big Daddy]

This is the perfect scenario to make a point for calls and why I almost completely gave up on text chat. When she said you might have been the creep I'd have called her because it'd be easier to be "upset" to be profiled as a creep, but then connect on the issue better.

The only possible reasons for her to bring this up pre-date are testing or honest concern. My read is a little bit of both, but she seemed genuinely concerned.

As for course of action now, I'm really torn. While reading I was like "awww man" because I have ran into these scenarios so many times and I could never reverse it. The only thing I'd do differently today would be calling her, trying to explain, and suggest another date other than coffee, possibly something more public and lighter. I'd probably wouldn't expect fucking her on the 1st either...

 

[Richard]

Super misleading title, haha.

Once you catch on that whatever is going on is super serious you want to avoid texting and go for a phone call/face-to-face meeting. I have had way too many miscommunications over text that made my job so much fucking harder in the long run.

Hard for me to be certain because I can't see the actual text messages about the drawing and what not but I think you fucked up by potentially defending the creepy guy; think about where her head is at and what she's feeling. By empathizing AT ALL with the creepy guy and defending why he might do whatever he did you undermine her position and implicitly communicate that she's in the wrong, somewhere.

She even backwards rationalizing and let you know that the real reason she wasn't down to study was because "your half hearted defense..." and if that's how she legitimately worded in then it sounds like she felt you weren't being sincere or respectful towards her situation (again, that's why texting isn't the best method here).

So I'm still wrestling with the cognitive dissonance of trying to be empathetic + this guys a creep + she wants attention + she's scared shitless + I'm not her boyfriend / emotional tissue (her texts read as though she expected my complete sympathy) + I'm really into this girl. It's weird.

Anyway, all that aside, is the girl you've already slept with? If so, what is she; a fuckbuddy, a girl you see more regularly (or want to?), or what?

-Richard

 

[Hue]

After some meditation and getting my head away from this, I realize I wasn't thinking very straight when I posted this. Even now I still have mixed emotions about this because I'm both trying to think "what could I have done better", when the situation is much larger than simply my abilities to text / handle situations like this.. the girl got a seriously creepy thing happening to her, yet I'm more concerned with how she feels about me.

Also I had irrationally thought that putting the texts in here might somehow come up if there's an investigation that happens on the campus, but that's extremely unlikely. So, here's a more clear idea of how this unfolded.

First night was a Saturday, I had just gotten back from a family wedding and had been drinking at the open bar. I wasn't shitfaced but drunk. I'm facepalming so hard with these first night's text. They're not good. And heads up the creepy shit is pretty fucking weird. Nonetheless,

Here's the texts (she has me in as a greek name) :

Her: (11:57 pm) Ummm.... we need to talk about something. Do you draw?
Her: Please tell me you have no idea what I'm talking about...
Me: *cheesing emoji* yes I'm [greek name], the famous greek painter
Her: No seriously
Her: Do you like to draw
Me: nah I do water pastels too
Her: I'm not kidding
Me: there was a time, why?
Her: .....
Her: I just got this on instagram, and since the person portrayed himself as blonde, there are two blonde guys I have class with right now. You, and someone in Bio.
Her: I actually like don't even want to send it
Her: But essentially some crazy stalker drew me and him together, said we had class together and that I'm bitchy but he likes it, and then said he'd give me $100 to do gross things to him (but srsly tho... $100?)
Me: seems like you're quite the star [girl]
Me: yea some people like to run off with ideas that's pretty weird (totally not taking it that seriously)
Her: Whoever it is said they're in class with me at [school]
Her: Which takes it to a new level of uncomfortable
Me: yikes
Her: God, things like that are so scary
Me: what have people creeped your gram before?
Her: Yes
Her: Or just sent love emails and harmless shit
Her: But this thing was actually terrifying
Me: that's rough. can't say I've dealt with anything of that degree dealing with people who don't get it
Her: There's not getting it, and then there's whatever this is. Chances are he hasn't even ever talked to me.
Her: Or he has...
Me: I'm a fan of the belief that attitudes and outlooks change all the time, and sometimes having lows, or in this guys,
case, being psychotically scarce in who/what he thinks is good for him, is just the domino that must fall before people get their shit to a better spot (not understanding the reality of the situation)
Me: but, I am just going off what you told me
Me: so I digress lol
Her: I withheld information about this person
Her: His message was SO much less innocent than whatever you're thinking
Me: ah
(Drunk Me: then why don't you send the fucking message?")
Her: Shit like that is usual and okay
Her: *screenshot of a guy sending her a heart*
Her: *screenshot of a guy sending, "Hi. I love you. And please don't ignore me".
Her: But other stuff not so much
Me: lol
Me: I'm doing my best to be empathetic to both sides
Me: don't send me the severe one, I'm about to go to bed
(Drunk Me: why am I texting this chick about guys chasing her this is dumb, I'm going to bed)

So that's last Saturday, my texts are indeed half-hearted, looking at these again. I was drunk, and only partially remember what was going through my head, but obviously did a poor job handling this situation, or even understanding it correctly when it was presented to me.

Here's the texts from Sunday:

Her: Hey dude, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. I can't make our study sesh
Me: no biggie, I'll find someone else to study with
Me: strong chance I get cut early for tonight though
Her: Yeah.... to be honest your half hearted defense of the messages I got have really freaked me out.
Her: I don't know who that was, but even defending it is a scary thing. Plus, whoever DID send it is a complete fucking psycho.
Me: *scrolls through texts from the night before, answers rapidly* my bad if my texts seemed cold they weren't intended to
Me: that's super fucking creepy that some guy was stalking / creating some fucked up fantasy
Her: This is exactly what he said
Me: I try to show pity for people like that but apparently you took that as me defending them?
Her: *sends screenshot*

The screenshot is an anime drawing of a blonde girl (supposed to be her) standing on a trembling naked guy's swollen ballsack and raging hard boner while he cries and looks deeply at her. I really don't want to write out the paragraph below it. In summary it explains that he wants to pay her 100$ to stand on his balls and crush them till they're black, and that he thinks about her stomping his balls all the time, and her lips, her feet, her bitchy personality. Then a screenshot of one of her pictures (in a police costume) asking to handcuff him and kick his balls to mush.

Pretty fucked up thing to send to your classmate.

Then, I let my ego get involved.

Her: Kind of. Especially when it's this fucked up.
Me: this kid can keep his creepy ass fetishes to himself, but some people are into that shit
Me: that's not a defense
Her: But also him offering me money like I'm a prostitute
Me: that would freak me out too sorry you have to deal with that
Her: Plus he depicts himself as being blonde and and one other guy are the only blonde people I know from my current classes.
Her: I just don't want that person following me home one day or something
Me: yea he's got a fucked up understanding of sex and women but that doesn't mean he can't change some day.. that said he's going way out of line, ignoring any respectful boundaries and sexually harassing you so I'm surprised you haven't reported him.
Me: I'm surprised you more ore less profiled me to be this guy since we have talked, extensively or not, and I figured I wouldn't mark the possibly psychotic creepy fetish guy
Her: Reported him for what and to whom?
Her: I already blocked them
Her: I haven't profiled you as anything. You just had a very different response to it than anyone else, which was worrisome
Me: you report it to student center / board of misconduct. I'm not sure what it is exactly but that's sexual harassment and it's there for shit like this
Her: Right, but that's also a TON of work on my behalf for them to do what? Tell me they're sorry that this random person sent me this stuff?
Her: I'm just scared. It's the weirdest and most threatening thing I've gotten from a student
Me: I've never don't so I can't say 100% but they put out a notice for a student doing sexual harassment, and I believe they have access to IP addresses / what device sent the messages if it was in their network
Me: you have every right to be scared, I just didn't expect to get accused for possibly doing that shit because of my hair color and some lazy texting
Me: sorry that this has happened to you, it's super fucked up [girl]
Her: And sorry I was wary of you because of your hair color
Me: I understand

If I had any chance with this chick, it's gone. I was self-absorbed about the issue, or at least conveyed that through my texts. I addressed what she might have thought of me, not how she might have thought of me, or really even how she felt going through this whole thing. "Trying to be empathetic to both sides"? Well how about I start with the clear victim in this situation. Jesus.



Mr. Rob,

I'm not worried about my legal situation, no. The thread title might suggest that.

The only concern I had when I posted this about the profiling was that the "water was tainted" between us because of the incident. Really, my texting response to the incident did more damage to whatever waters existed. I was still grappling with the idea she might have thought it was me, which could have been quickly addressed and dismissed. I supposed I did that, but then responded very poorly to the rest of the situation.


Big Daddy,

Yea, it was genuine. There's no way this was a shit-test. And I don't know if it could truly be called a date, anyways. We were getting coffee, then going to study.

And right? I've been so huge into calling girls in the past month, but then failed to see the necessity when this started going down. Facepalm X 1000.

I hadn't thought I'd be able to fuck her on the 1st, even back when I started talking to her last month. I knew I had to get into the friendzone or something like that first, but now this damage might be done.


Richard,

Yea, I should be writing for People magazine out here lol.

Like I said to Big Daddy, I totally see the logic in calling her > text. I was drunk when this initially started going down but that's not really an excuse.

Not only did I attempt to empathize with the guy, I didn't even do it in a calibrated way in the texting conversation. That's gonna raise double the questions / skepticism about where I stand or what the fuck I'm talking about.

Anyway, all that aside, is the girl you've already slept with? If so, what is she; a fuckbuddy, a girl you see more regularly (or want to?), or what?

No, I've done nothing with this girl.

She's a girl I want to see (not even regularly, just at all). I only had my foot in the door with some persistence to meet up with her. Before she left to her last modeling trip, she did seem to be showing interest. She's a model, A+ student who's constantly traveling around America, and near impossible to get some time with (hence me nearly having oneitis, and me having such conjumbled thoughts about the matter coming into this).


I'll do my best to get over myself, but this was sloppy in a number of ways. Feeling pretty self-absorbed in this moment for how I instinctively dealt with this. Says a lot.

Hue

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Yeah, in situations like this, you want to not fuck around. It annoys the shit out of her and not in a good way. This is the problem with text. You should always, unless it helps you, avoid ambiguity over text. This means pay attention to punctuation, tone, etc. Make sure exactly what you mean is being conveyed.

But also, you shouldn't empathize with the guy. Sure, in your head, you can, but girls aren't interested in some psychological theory discussion, so don't talk about it with her. She's creeped out, wanted to make sure it's not you, then wanted some comfort.

You should have said,

"No. that definitely wasn't me and that is weird as fuck."

she responds. You tell her that some dudes are super fucking creepy and you're sorry that happened to her.

Boom. End of discussion. You could even turn it into a funny discussion,

"Yeah...but i bet you also get some weirdly funny DM's too. Guys confessing their love for you and shit" then you make it light-hearted and also get an inside look at the shit women get.

Pace her reality. Be on her side. There's a time for balanced, neutral analysis and this wasn't it.

Hector