Sick of one night stands

Gifted

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Jan 14, 2014
Messages
19
Let me give you some background so you know where I'm at psychologically. When I was 19 I decided to travel all over to learn marketing. I wanted to do this so I could market my music and be successful at it. So for the next 9 years i did just that. And after learning what I felt like was enough, I came back to my hometown. It's a smallish city of about 500,000 people. There is a decent night life and 15 - 20 good bars.

Well, when I got back, I started my band up. Except I got in a fight with my guitar player and knocked his tooth out. After that for various reasons I cut myself out of that friend group. I started from scratch and made new friends and got together a new band. It's going great music wise and we're growing.

The problem? Ever since then every single girl I've hooked up with has been a one night stand! It's killing me. I feel like my band is doing so well, but no girls come to the show to see me. I always get drunk and feel pretty alone... like a loser. I have decent game and have been with a lot of women. Yet for some reason lately it isn't sticking.

I think i am putting a lot of pressure on myself for two reasons. One, if the girls actually stayed, I would have tons of girls coming to my shows. I'd have an awesome social life. Two, since it is a small town, I worry that if I suck in bed the word will get around. I believe these two pressures are combining to make me suck in bed and act needy when it's all through.

Last night I slept with a pretty cute girl. We drank at the bar and then came back to my place. I had a business call and she chilled while I finished it. Then we partied and made out, I played some piano for her, we did a little coke. Then I escalated, took her clothes off, and we went into the bedroom. I had a little difficulty getting hard. The alcohol and coke didn't help, but I feel it was more psychological. But I did get hard. The sex started out amazing but then I got in my head. It lost the passion and after about 10 minutes of fucking, I kinda just laid down on my bed and my dick went soft. I cuddled with her but I felt a sense of dread. I felt like the sex was bad and she was going to leave. Sure enough, very shortly after she got up and put on her clothes. I tried to get her to come back to the bed but she had to go. I felt pretty bad. In that moment, I felt like she viewed me as pathetic (although there was no signal from her this was the case). I got up and started to do some work on my computer. When her lyft came, she said "see you again".

I didn't believe her. I asked her, "do you mean it? I fucking hate one night stands." Then she said yes, of course, blah blah. Now one day later, I didn't receive any text from her.

So in the short-term, I'm wondering, did my neediness and bad sex kill this? Or is there still a chance with her? If so, what would you recommend? Should I just text her next time I know she's free? (Thursday night.) The thing is... I REALLY don't want to text her if she's just going to ignore me or brush me off. I only want to if you think there's genuinely a solid chance.

But long-term... how do I handle one night stands better?

As far as sex goes, I can drink less. Not do coke. And then I can put all my focus into fucking her brains out. I know I can do it. But what happens after? I think I should try being just cold hearted and kicking her out right away. Normally I try and get her to stay, which hasn't worked at all.

I want to flip the script. I want HER to be the one uncertain and wanting to come back. I want to be the one acting nonchalant and have the power in my hands.

Any suggestions? I can go out and meet girls as much as I want... but fuck, it really depresses me to be alone like this.
 

Chase

Chieftan
tribal-elder
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Gifted-

Read this article, if you haven't yet:

How to Fix the "He's Not a Boyfriend" Frame

If the experience you relate here is any indication, you're probably coming off more as the casual one-off party guy and not so much as the "he'd make an excellent boyfriend" type.

If you want to do the party guy frame and still see the girl after, you have to really rock her world. Suck her into a great connection, and make the sex rewarding.

Alternatively, you can just let some boyfriend value slip throughout the pickup, so you plant those little seeds in her mind of "Hmm, maybe this guy could be worth hanging onto!" so she doesn't just vanish after you bed her once.

The pickup you detail:

  • Drinking at the bar
  • Partying/making out
  • Stopping the make-out to play piano
  • Coke

... is all party guy stuff. e.g., the straight-up boyfriend guy won't make out with her until he's taking her clothes off for sex; before that it's either pecks on the lips or nothing. So when you do the make-out --> stop make-out to do something else --> circle back around to making out later thing, you're telling her "He is kind of a bad boy." Drinking at the bar can be kind of a bad boy thing, depending on the bar she meets you at and the context. Cocaine is absolutely a bad boy thing -- odds are she doesn't do coke with guys she wants to date (maybe she does; some girls do. Some hide that side of themselves from potential boyfriends though, and only do it with guys they know they'll never date).

So, just a bunch of bad boy party guy signals in there, and I don't see anything in here to counter-signal that with any kind of boyfriend value.

That could all still be fine if you deep dove her well, built a strong emotional connection with her, then gave her some hard dick and made her cum (and followed good retention strategy after sex).

But if you're not really standing out as a noteworthy lover, and you also don't seem to have much boyfriend value, there's not a lot of reason for a girl to want a repeat.

You need to give her reasons to want to see you more than once.

Think of the first time in bed with you like the initial sample, and if she likes what she gets and feels motivated to come back for more, she'll return to buy a bigger box of what you've got.

You could get her to like what you've got by being a really standout lover. Or you could get her to like what you've got by having some prospective boyfriend potential. Or you could even compensate with some other type of value, like you are in a band that is popular with the girls and she'd like to be able to bring her gal pals around and bring them backstage and whatnot.

(also, as an aside, on the band thing: rather than say "I wish more girls would come to see us", the more useful thing to say would be "Hmm, how come more girls don't come to see us?" and "Are there any bands in town the girls DO go to see, and if so, what are they doing different from us, in terms of style of music (maybe they're doing more covers of popular songs girls like), dress style, presentation, choice of venue, night of the week, promotion strategies, etc.?")

Gifted said:
Then I escalated, took her clothes off, and we went into the bedroom. I had a little difficulty getting hard. The alcohol and coke didn't help, but I feel it was more psychological. But I did get hard. The sex started out amazing but then I got in my head. It lost the passion and after about 10 minutes of fucking, I kinda just laid down on my bed and my dick went soft. I cuddled with her but I felt a sense of dread. I felt like the sex was bad and she was going to leave. Sure enough, very shortly after she got up and put on her clothes. I tried to get her to come back to the bed but she had to go. I felt pretty bad. In that moment, I felt like she viewed me as pathetic (although there was no signal from her this was the case). I got up and started to do some work on my computer. When her lyft came, she said "see you again".
Really depends on her experience level and level of cynicism.

If she's a hard partier who'd been with dozens of men, and she's kind of cynical and wont to blame others for disappointment, then it's possible she's in that situation going, "That's all? Really? 10 minutes of hard dick and he goes limp? What a letdown."

But usually what you get in situations like this is the girl not knowing what's happened, wondering if she is to blame, the guy didn't find her attractive enough, she did something wrong, and so on.

What you should do if you're going limp with girls is focus on them, reassure them it's not their fault, give them a little explanation for why it's happening, then involve them in helping you get hard again.

She took all the time to hang with you at the bar, party with you, come home with you, make out, listen to piano, party more, and escalate. It's not like you've gotta get hard in two minutes or else she's gone. Get her to work stiffening you up again so she can get the pounding she deserves.

GIfted"}I asked her said:
Normally I try and get her to stay, which hasn't worked at all.
The best way I have found to get women to stay is called "rail them until they cum their brains out and collapse into a heap of contented exhaustion. Then spoon them and have some pillow talk with them until they fall asleep. Maybe shag them again one more time if they aren't asleep yet and you get hard again while you're waiting."

For getting women to stay over, good sex game (+ a little persuasion... e.g., she says "I should go, I have to get up early tomorrow" and you say "What time? I'll set an alarm. Better to just get some rest rather now than have to run off and be wide awake again and try to fall asleep then" so she stays) is the best remedy.

Gifted said:
I want to flip the script. I want HER to be the one uncertain and wanting to come back. I want to be the one acting nonchalant and have the power in my hands.
All that would happen had you stayed cool, been totally chill when she went to leave, not asked her whether you'd see her again, and just let her go, then followed up with a standard considerate-but-non-committal morning-after text the next day. AND if you had enough value (other lover or boyfriend value) that she hoped she'd get to see you again.

Based on this post, the three things I'd recommend you work on are:

  • Raise your lover value OR your boyfriend value OR both (and by "raise" I really mean "display it better" -- doesn't matter how high or low it objectively is; what matters is whether she can see it or not)
  • Start reassuring girls it's not their fault and not because you aren't attracted to them when your dick goes limp. Understand that they've just put in an hour or two hours or more into this seduction to get to this point, and they can hang around and spend 10-15 minutes helping you to get it up again no sweat, so long as you reassure them it's not about them and give them clear instructions on what they must do to get you hard
  • Don't be needy when women are leaving. Don't ask if/when you'll see them again. Stay cool, even if you really like the girl, and just let her go. Follow your process and send a chill morning-after text. Then 1-3 days later text her again to see when she wants to meet up. Stay cool

Get those in order and you should see women start to stick around more often.

Chase
 

Gifted

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Jan 14, 2014
Messages
19
Hey Chase, thank you very much for the detailed reply. It’s basically what I suspected but put in very clear terms. No, I didn’t text her the next day specifically because I realized I went too far with the neediness. Given that fact, do you think I should text her again, or are the odds so far against me at this point that it’s not worth it?

I thought back on the other one night stands and the other times, the girls made it pretty obvious it was just going to be a one night stand. This one didn’t and we did have a better connection than usual. But yeah it probably cant offset everything else you mentioned going against me here.

Thanks again. I can definitely blow a girls mind and I’m disappointed that I didn’t put a priority on it. Oh well... next time!
 

Chase

Chieftan
tribal-elder
Joined
Oct 9, 2012
Messages
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Haha @ that still from Fuck This.

Gifted-

Gifted said:
No, I didn’t text her the next day specifically because I realized I went too far with the neediness. Given that fact, do you think I should text her again, or are the odds so far against me at this point that it’s not worth it?
I mean, how much energy does it take to send a text?

Not sure what the thinking is here. Is it something like "I liked this girl... but last night wasn't ideal, I was a little needy at the end... eh, I just won't even text her. Better not to know"?

Wouldn't "Well, last night wasn't ideal, but let's text her anyway just to see what happens. I could've done better, but you never know how the other person takes it or how these things work out" serve better?

It's probably a little late for a normal morning text at this point.

But, you can still recover with a little implicit rationale for why the text is late... e.g. "Wew, woke up late today, morning was a tad nuts. I had a wonderful time with you last night, Mel. Hope you aren't too tired today :) -Gifted"

Even if you aren't feeling 100% about her, send it anyway.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." All that.

It sounds like you need a little better handle on your emotions here. Not letting it get to you as much when you're dick's not hard... not showing as much neediness when you feel it... not giving up so quick just because things didn't go perfectly, especially when it's extremely low cost / low effort to follow up a little and see if you get anything back.

Chase
 

Gifted

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Jan 14, 2014
Messages
19
Thanks Chase, you're right. I texted her and she sent me a high investment reply, telling me we should hang out again this next week. So, we'll see how it goes, but yeah. I can definitely be a bit rash, so I gotta tone that down. I am going to study that article you linked so I can make sure girls stick around. Thanks again!
 

Rain

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
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Jun 13, 2016
Messages
166
Chase said:
Drinking at the bar can be kind of a bad boy thing, depending on the bar she meets you at and the context.
Can you give some bad boy contexts for this?
-does the type of drink matter [beer vs rum and cola vs shots]... I'm guessing straight lemonade/water isn't badboy lol.
-do you have to be tipsy/drunk or can you be sober?
-do you have to be actually at the bar, or where you actually are when drinking doesn't matter?
 

cruiser

Space Monkey
space monkey
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May 1, 2018
Messages
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Can you give some bad boy contexts for this?
-does the type of drink matter [beer vs rum and cola vs shots]... I'm guessing straight lemonade/water isn't badboy lol.
-do you have to be tipsy/drunk or can you be sober?
-do you have to be actually at the bar, or where you actually are when drinking doesn't matter?
You got the drink thing down, but in my opinion that should be the least of your worries. Do you really want to be drunk and sloppy? You can still be a bad boy sober, just by what your talking about and the vibe you give off.
 

naturalmikey

Cro-Magnon Man
Cro-Magnon Man
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i don't think it's that one night stands are unfullfilling. it's that trying to find fullfillment outside yourself will fail you. so maybe instead of trying to find out how to manage your romantic life for happiness you could try to find out what you're lacking within.
 

Space

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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The Old Continent
i don't think it's that one night stands are unfullfilling. it's that trying to find fullfillment outside yourself will fail you. so maybe instead of trying to find out how to manage your romantic life for happiness you could try to find out what you're lacking within.
But why not turn her into a regular customer with giving her good sex if you can?

Chasing women takes a lot of energy especially if it's for one night only. No "compounding interest". Is Girls Chase about we chase women or women chase us? Judging by where most forum members are vs. what the team suggest I'm still consumed, but anyway. We all have limited life energies on this planet.

Some questionable advice "Dating Economics" aka. how to buy yourself into debauchery as a well off investment banker less so with your personal charm and more with your money. I guess most of us aren't on this path. @Oh Pry, maybe an interesting article to you. I'm not suggesting this strategy but it's a good topic for debate.
 
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Skills

Tribal Elder
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Gifted i am one of the guys that have your similar issue (though no drugs or alcohol), i do come across as the player type....

Now you are not congruent with the player/lover type if your sex is weak which it is.... This may be one of your major issues... If you come across player/lover and the sex is really good they will come back for more.

if you want to include more comfort(boyfriend type), you can still do it with the player frame by having her sleep over, and by taking her to breakfast or making her breakfast in the morning...

i would drop the cock and alcohol if i were you since is affecting your sexual performance.... Which is very important if you have the lover frame for them to keep coming back.
 
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