Significant emotional whiplash after each cold approach - Bit of guidance/opinions would be great

[Aussedude321]

Hi All,

So I'm a beginner at cold approach and probably made about 50 cold approaches in total. Each week I usually do about 1 - 5 approaches.

But the biggest issue for me, is that after each approach. I get what I call emotional whiplash, in the following hours and even days. In the form of pretty significent stress and anxiety. This makes it really hard for me to remain consistent day to day. But as soon as I sort of recover from this emotional whiplash I can approach pretty comfortably and have a decent conversation.

I'm assuming this is just part of the process as a beginner and the more you do it, the more your mind and body get comfortable cold approaching. And in turn creates less stress and anxiety.

I guess it's just frustrating because I want to make progress faster, but I'm not kidding where this whiplash puts me on my ass.

I don't believe this is too common of a problem because I can't find much info online about it. But I'm hoping a more niche forumn like this might have some good tips for overcoming this issue. I'm guessing I've just gotta stick with it, however any tips/thoughts/suggestions would be super appreciated.

And I want to clarify like if this whiplash wern't pretty significent I would be out approaching. Like I posted this on reddits seduction community. But the answers are pretty generic and from guys who don't even approach.

So really looking for feedback from guys who actually have cold approach experience and actually get out there and do it.

Thanks.

 

[theReason]

This may just be a reprogramming period. If you’re just starting out, you have a lot to learn, a lot of incorrect beliefs about women you are getting wiped from your brain. This could be a sign you are doing things right.

I’d rather make 5 approaches a week and fully absorb the lessons learned from each one, than 20 approaches a week where I’m not fully processing my own behavior. My preference—other guys’ preferences will be different.

The effects that interacting with women have on your psyche can be surprising, especially when doing things you’ve never done before.

And you will get more consistent with time. If increasing your approach volume is your goal, I’d say try to do 6 approaches this week, then after a month or so, you’ll be comfortable doing 7.

And on a year’s scale of time, 250 approaches? I got laid in my first 100 approaches… and any girl you lay from cold approach will definitely want to be your girlfriend, just up to you to decide (in a timely manner) whether or not you want that with her.

 

[Chase]

@Aussedude321,

Welcome to the Boards! Interesting problem.

But the biggest issue for me, is that after each approach. I get what I call emotional whiplash, in the following hours and even days. In the form of pretty significent stress and anxiety. This makes it really hard for me to remain consistent day to day. But as soon as I sort of recover from this emotional whiplash I can approach pretty comfortably and have a decent conversation.

I have seen all manner of approach anxiety but I don't think I've heard of one described this way before.

What are the anxious feelings about? "She's going to report me to the police for harassment" or "I'll be a failure forever and never get this working with girls" or..?

I'd be curious what the crux of it is.

I'm assuming this is just part of the process as a beginner and the more you do it, the more your mind and body get comfortable cold approaching. And in turn creates less stress and anxiety.

This is generally what happens with approach anxiety.

However, there is a subset of men for whom approaching + rejection makes things get worse and worse.

For these guys the recommendation is trauma-releasing exercises, which we have a post by @Carousel about here:

Body-oriented therapy and its application to PU

This post will deal with various therapies that go further than cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). You actually don't need to understand very much of the theory here to do the exercises, but I do provide a lot of theory as there are guys who are interested in a deeper understanding. I have...

www.skilledseducer.com

And I want to clarify like if this whiplash wern't pretty significent I would be out approaching. Like I posted this on reddits seduction community. But the answers are pretty generic and from guys who don't even approach.

It almost sounds like a kind of approach PTSD... which is why TRE might be the better call here rather than just trying to push through it (which is usually the right call, for most guys... but might not be here. If it's PTSD).

Chase

 

[AspiringStoic]

But the biggest issue for me, is that after each approach. I get what I call emotional whiplash, in the following hours and even days. In the form of pretty significent stress and anxiety

Can you describe this more?

Not just the sensations, but what thoughts are going through your head after cold approaching when you are feeling stressed and anxious?

Is it thoughts like : oh my god, I just did something that is so socially abnormal, oh damn those 2 girls reacted awkwardly they must have thought I was a weirdo/loser etc.

Is it these kind of thoughts or something different?

 

[Aussedude321]

Can you describe this more?

Not just the sensations, but what thoughts are going through your head after cold approaching when you are feeling stressed and anxious?

Is it thoughts like : oh my god, I just did something that is so socially abnormal, oh damn those 2 girls reacted awkwardly they must have thought I was a weirdo/loser etc.

Is it these kind of thoughts or something different?

No thoughts at all, its purely emotional. Total physiological feeling. Right after an approach I feel pretty damn good, basically never regret it once its done. Consiously I think its great. But a few hours after I can feel this deep emotional pain deep in my chest. A really really deep pain. And then the next day I'm nearly always more irritable and more anxious/stressed. Which makes approaching much more difficult as its hard to approach when you are feeling pretty uncomfortable just being in public, let alone doing the approach.

 

[Aussedude321]

This may just be a reprogramming period. If you’re just starting out, you have a lot to learn, a lot of incorrect beliefs about women you are getting wiped from your brain. This could be a sign you are doing things right.

I’d rather make 5 approaches a week and fully absorb the lessons learned from each one, than 20 approaches a week where I’m not fully processing my own behavior. My preference—other guys’ preferences will be different.

The effects that interacting with women have on your psyche can be surprising, especially when doing things you’ve never done before.

And you will get more consistent with time. If increasing your approach volume is your goal, I’d say try to do 6 approaches this week, then after a month or so, you’ll be comfortable doing 7.

And on a year’s scale of time, 250 approaches? I got laid in my first 100 approaches… and any girl you lay from cold approach will definitely want to be your girlfriend, just up to you to decide (in a timely manner) whether or not you want that with her.

I Agree it requires consistency and time, it's gradually getting easier compared to where I was a few months back. Just taking a little longer than expected lol.

 

[Aussedude321]

@Aussedude321,

Welcome to the Boards! Interesting problem.



I have seen all manner of approach anxiety but I don't think I've heard of one described this way before.

What are the anxious feelings about? "She's going to report me to the police for harassment" or "I'll be a failure forever and never get this working with girls" or..?

I'd be curious what the crux of it is.



This is generally what happens with approach anxiety.

However, there is a subset of men for whom approaching + rejection makes things get worse and worse.

For these guys the recommendation is trauma-releasing exercises, which we have a post by @Carousel about here:

Body-oriented therapy and its application to PU

This post will deal with various therapies that go further than cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). You actually don't need to understand very much of the theory here to do the exercises, but I do provide a lot of theory as there are guys who are interested in a deeper understanding. I have...

www.skilledseducer.com

It almost sounds like a kind of approach PTSD... which is why TRE might be the better call here rather than just trying to push through it (which is usually the right call, for most guys... but might not be here. If it's PTSD).

Chase

The anxious feeling is just that, a feeling. I don't have any negative thoughts after the approach. It's basically always this deep emotional pain deep in my chest. It's not consious thoughts that are throwing me off, its just this pain combined with super uncomfotable feelings like I'm being watched and judged. They usually become more pronouced a few hours after the approach. Also makes sleeping quite difficult, after a solid approach or two, I nearly always have a rough sleep that night.

I don't beleive I'm in the camp that doing approaches makes things worse, my social anxiety is defintly a lot lower than where it was a few months ago, and I'm much better at keeping the conversation flowing when I approach. I don't get really nervous to the point where I can't speak, I can usually chat for 5 - 10 minutes with most girls in a nervous but comfortable enough state.

I've also been on three dates from cold approach.

After my first ever approach, it honestly felt like I took a bullet straight through my chest. I had the same really deep pain for a solid week. But much more intensely than what I feel now.

I had a read of your articles on PTSD, and TRE therapy. That point on always being vigilant about people and your surroundings is something I can really relate to. Although I've made heaps of progress in that regard in the last few months.

That and I went to a pretty rough high school, where you basically always had to be on guard and vigilant on how you were perceived and your social standing. Being your honest/authentic self was a death sentence lol.

I tried that TRE therapy for 20 minutes, with the shaking legs. Actually felt quite a bit of relief afterwards. Very interesting.

Anyway, that's some added context. I am making progress although rather slow, that and its takes from me a huge amount of mental and emotional energy. Like if I do a solid approach, the next day if I go to a cafe to get some work done I'll feel extra anxious and uncomfortable while working in public. Like I'm being watched and judged. And the entire time feeling totally exhausted.

So ultimately I want to make progress faster, and reduce the amount of emotional pain/backlash I feel when doing the rounds. I'm wondering if there's anything else I might not be considering here. That article on social anxiety/PTSD and TRE therapy really made me think actually.

I'm 25M for context, has a few girlfriends and an ok sex life throughout my adult life. Although never felt too comfortable with most women unless it was a proper girlfriend I was used to being with. Never ever did a cold approach until about six months ago.

 

[Bill]

Do you find yourself going into social momentum at all after approaching some?

And what is the process of the whiplash? Do you ruminate and imagine scenarios, and how long after the approach does it happen?

 

[Atlas IV]

That's really strange. Never heard of anything like a physiological response in the hours after doing a cold approach.

The closest I can relate is the kneejerk "cringe" feeling I get when an approach goes particularly bad or awkwardly, which I could describe as physiological (like a shiver, muscle clenching, etc). But that's just momentary and nothing like an "emotional backlash" you're describing.

That and I went to a pretty rough high school, where you basically always had to be on guard and vigilant on how you were perceived and your social standing. Being your honest/authentic self was a death sentence lol.

Maybe it has to do with this. When doing cold approach, are you worried a lot about what other people might think? Cold approach is inherently unnatural to our brain - we are wired to avoid social risks. It could be some physiological manifestation of your trauma from high school.

 

[AspiringStoic]

@Aussedude321

I can relate to this. I felt something similar starting off. There are a few things I did that helped me.

-Reframe the emotional whiplash. Its tantamount to muscle soreness after working out. You are doing something that is new to you and which your mind is not used to. The discomfort you feel is your mind adapting to the stress and growing stronger just like your muscles would.

- Don't try to not feel it or judge yourself for it. See it as a positive with the reframe I mentioned above.

- Respect it and acknowledge that you feel this and your current capacity to handle it. Don't over exert yourself. Do only as many approaches as you can handle in a day.

- Consistency is more helpful in overcoming this than intensity. If you do 2-3 approaches for 300+ days this year, it will be more helpful than doing 10+ approaches on just the weekends.

- Lastly, I felt this more especially if the girls I approached were very hot. So what helped is that I let myself off the hook and let myself approach some lesser intimidating girls and only did 1 or 2 very intimidating approaches per day.

So these are some things that helped a lot. But most importantly keep approaching daily if possible and have patience. Don't overthink about the short term feelings, results etc and have a long term orientation.

Hope this helps.

 

[Aussedude321]

@Aussedude321

I can relate to this. I felt something similar starting off. There are a few things I did that helped me.

-Reframe the emotional whiplash. Its tantamount to muscle soreness after working out. You are doing something that is new to you and which your mind is not used to. The discomfort you feel is your mind adapting to the stress and growing stronger just like your muscles would.

- Don't try to not feel it or judge yourself for it. See it as a positive with the reframe I mentioned above.

- Respect it and acknowledge that you feel this and your current capacity to handle it. Don't over exert yourself. Do only as many approaches as you can handle in a day.

- Consistency is more helpful in overcoming this than intensity. If you do 2-3 approaches for 300+ days this year, it will be more helpful than doing 10+ approaches on just the weekends.

- Lastly, I felt this more especially if the girls I approached were very hot. So what helped is that I let myself off the hook and let myself approach some lesser intimidating girls and only did 1 or 2 very intimidating approaches per day.

So these are some things that helped a lot. But most importantly keep approaching daily if possible and have patience. Don't overthink about the short term feelings, results etc and have a long term orientation.

Hope this helps.

Yes I agree, I notice if I do less approaches per day, but more day to day (consistency). It seems the whiplash is less poignant compared to if I did say 3 - 4 in one day once a week. Then it hits really hard.

The other thing I notice is if I approach and I get this sort of emotional whiplash as I've described. When I go out in a public place to get some work done. I feel quite a bit more anxious and stressed, like I'm being watched and judged by everyone. Usually I'll work at my local Star Bucks. But after an approach or two working in public is a lot more stressful then usual and actually really exhausting. Which makes approaching more difficult as I'm more stressed and more tired.

I guess for the time being, I'll work from home until I'm mostly over this emotional whiplash I get from approaching.

Idk if you can relate to that in your early stages. Where after an approach, being in a busy public place kind of stresses and tires you out.

 

[AspiringStoic]

Idk if you can relate to that in your early stages. Where after an approach, being in a busy public place kind of stresses and tires you out

Hmm. I don't think I experienced this exact phenomenon. But whenever I did approaches and it went badly, I would have intrusive thoughts about them again and again and feel bad.

I used to feel emotionally exhausted after doing approaches and was not able to work or study after it. Sometimes, I would have this sudden "realization" of how what I just did was so out of the norm and that the people in my regular life don't know this secret side of me where I embarrass myself in front of girls.

But yeah with time and some reframing, things slowly got better and I developed some tools and tecniques to deal with all of this.