Strong approach anxiety…how do I handle it?

strictlyincreasing

Space Monkey
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Oct 24, 2017
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67
I’m having real trouble with approach anxiety. I don’t have social anxiety and I don’t have trouble approaching guys or people who I have met before (warm approach). But I am really having trouble getting past my sticking point with women.

What seems to be happening is that I am thinking “go approach” or “hold your hand out and say something to get her to stop” or “walk up to her” but then I freeze up and just keep going as I was. So I might see a woman out and about and I am thinking that I will approach her. I’m ready to approach but then my mind goes blank and I keep walking along my way, past her. As I’m walking, I’m thinking “turn around and go back” but my feet just keep going. One example is that once I was getting ready to stop a woman on the street. Everything was ready and I knew exactly what I would do. But then, out of nowhere, I turned and walked away. Another time, I was walking toward a woman who gave me an approach invitation. I missed the chance to stop her so turned around to go towards her. But then my feet seemed frozen to the ground and I couldn’t move. Then I seemed to turn round and unconsciously walk away.

Why does this keep happening and how can I handle it? It seems like I’m being physically inhibited from walking up to the woman or opening my mouth. Now I know with almost complete certainty that some of these women would be happy to talk to me. Well, most women enjoy approaches even if they reject and people like talking to me on average. After bottling the approach, I really feel terrible. I’ve read all the GC articles and associated videos on how exactly to carry out the approach but I just can’t seem to do it. Has anybody on here had trouble like this? Will I need medication? Thanks.
 

zappbrannigan

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May 25, 2019
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129
strictlyincreasing said:
I’m having real trouble with approach anxiety. I don’t have social anxiety and I don’t have trouble approaching guys or people who I have met before (warm approach). But I am really having trouble getting past my sticking point with women.
Hey man,

I'm a total beginner, like you. I had this same problem until half a year ago or so. I bought a product which teaches day game, and it had a few good tips.

Most importantly, tattoo this onto your frontal lobe: everyone has this approach anxiety "problem". I always thought I was unique in this and that there was something wrong with me. This is the first thing to realise: like they say in Fight Club, you are not a special and unique snow flake. And you definitely don't need medication :)

Know that once you start on this journey to learn pick up, you're already doing more to meet girls than the majority of other men. Most men are actually weak-ass losers who can only talk to a woman if she presents herself to him (and then sometimes only if he's drunk enough). Just look around, how many sad losers there are who settled for the first girl that showed some interest and are now stuck in a bad relationship. This is especially obvious when you see good-looking men walking around with ugly, fat women. Why do you think that is? Because she's got such a great personality? No, she presented herself to him and he grabbed the opportunity for dear life because he was too hopeless to learn how to do better. Same with guys who do nothing but complain about their girlfriend. They're too pussy to tell her to take a hike, because they think they can't get a better woman.

Just the fact that you're willing to make this improvement and learn game puts you ahead of the pack. You already have the right mindset:

strictlyincreasing said:
Now I know with almost complete certainty that some of these women would be happy to talk to me. Well, most women enjoy approaches even if they reject and people like talking to me on average.
This is something I didn't even understand when I got started!

Now for me, there were several components to "solve" the issue of AA, but the most important one is that you have to realise that the anxiety never goes away completely. Not even for world class PUAs. So, here's what I found helpful:

  • First, learn to accept or embrace the anxiety. Do not try to push it away, because that only makes it worse (this is the biggest mind fuck). It is not a problem, it is "just" your brain telling you that you're doing something that may change your life. That's a good thing!
  • Use the 5 second rule. See hot chick, go! Do this before 5 seconds have passed. Your mind will only make up retarded excuses to avoid going up to her. Like "oh, she looks in a hurry, I won't bother her" or "she's probablly with that guy who's walking two meters away" or "I'm tired". It's amazing how much bullshit your own mind can come up with it. The 5 second rule helps short cut this process. Once your feet are moving, your brain starts to get with the program. It will go "okay, shit, we're doing this", and you will stop overthinking because you now have a new problem: what to say.
  • Watching videos on how to do it helped me a lot: If you know exactly how to approach, you won't be as scared. You will know that you know the technical aspects on how to do the approach, which is one less thing to worry about. Also, if you want, find videos with failed approaches. They aren't as common, but it will help you see these "PUAs" in a different light. They're just human, and they can't bag every attractive woman they walk up to either.
  • Do not worry about the interaction. First things first. Take baby steps. First learn how to do the technical approach; how to walk up, how to say you wanted to talk to her because she looked cute. If you have to, just pay the girl a compliment and wish her a good day, then leave. I still do this if I freeze up. Generally, the girl will be happy, you made her day and this will make you feel good too. Then the next approach, you will be more "in state" (or more motivated to actually push through the initial awkwardness) and do better. If not, rinse and repeat.

Some other "hacks":

  • When you're starting a day game session, try to "warm up" by talking to other people. I still struggle with this, but it should help getting into the social mindset and it tells your brain that it's okay to talk to strangers, they don't bite. You also focus less on the girl's hotness.
  • If you still find it too intimidating to pay a girl a compliment, just ask her for the time or for directions. This will teach your brain it's okay to approach cute girls and again, they don't bite.
  • Personally, I also noticed that explicitly going out with the purpose to approach girls makes it easier for me to do so. If I'm going about my daily business I'm usually too preoccupied with whatever I'm doing to talk to girls. This was a big eye opener for me. If I'm walking in the street for an hour or so with the express goal of talking to women and have let a few opportunities pass by, I start to feel so silly that I just have to approach. I also believe that simply walking around is relaxing, and when you're more relaxed it becomes easier.
  • Don't beat yourself up too much about missed approaches. A little bit is fine, to whip up some motivation for the next chick (like: Goddammit, I let her go. The next time I'm not going to pussy out!). But do not allow yourself to dwell on the missed opportunity so you feel bad about it. If you do this often enough, you will get into the abundance mindset (this takes a lot of time, and I'm still not there yet).
  • I've heard it also helps if you have a buddy who you set a goal with. Let's say you want to approach 10 women this week. You keep track and if you don't reach the goal, you have to pay him a sum of money. It has to be enough to be somewhat painful. It can also be you having to do an embarrassing thing. Whatever is "worse" to you than cold approaching girls. I don't do this myself, but it's probably one reason I'm not progressing as fast as I'd like.

Once you've done a few approaches that went well, this is a self-strengthening cycle. Because you've approached a few times your brain is going to panic less because you know you've done it a few times and there's nothing to be afraid of. You have to tackle this like you would training for a marathon or so. You don't start by running 10 km if you're not in shape. You start with half a km, then build up. Have a "learning" mind set.

If you still feel you're too anxious, I've found that these things help a lot too:

  • Be well-rested. If you're tired, you get stressed out more quickly, and you will not be as mentally sharp.
  • Eat well. Your nutrition's impact on well-being is very underrated.
  • Get into shape. Exercise relaxes the entire body and you will come across as more relaxed and more in control, and makes you more attractive. Anything will do. I decided to start doing push-ups (via the 100 push ups program) and learn a martial art. You can also join a gym and lift weights. Getting strong physically improves your mental resilience and exercise is clinically proven to reduce depression.
  • Learn how to dress and groom well, and improve your posture. Girls are more likely to give you a chance when you're looking good than when you're a slob. Also it improves your self-confidence when you just know you're better looking than most men. If you don't know how, read some style blogs.
  • Do other things to improve your life to boost your confidence. For example, do things that scare you to get into the habit of stepping out of your comfort zone. Personally, I decided to do a public speech, something I was terrified of. By doing things you're scared of, you teach your brain that it should shut the fuck up, you can actually do this shit.
  • Become more social. Talking to people helps you learn social skills, which are essential when dating. I still struggle with this big time.
  • If you're not naturally funny, make an effort to learn how to. This can be learned too.
  • Learn to meditate. Meditation can calm the mind and teaches you how to recognize and let go of negative thought spirals. It takes a while before you'll notice the benefits. It's not for everyone though.

I know, this is an intimidating list. You don't have to do all of these things at once. Just pick something that appeals to you and start working on it. It is a mindset and a process. Best to enjoy it, because it's going to take a long long time (I still haven't gotten laid).

You can do this shit! Many, many men have preceded you in this journey. There are plenty of resources in this day and age, which is a beautiful thing. If you want, read some field reports here on the forum for inspiration.
 

Ben22

Space Monkey
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Hey man I think the guy above did a really good job detailing some ways for you to troubleshoot your anxiety so I won't add too much. All i'm gonna say is that I respect your resolve to at least get out of the house. For me personally it's hard to get myself out of the house because i'm just too comfortable laying in my bed or playing the playstation. Even if i'm hungry and I don't wanna eat at home,I still won't leave the house lol. The only times I will leave my house is to go to work or to workout a couple times a week. When you're already out and you see an attractive girl sometimes you can freeze up or psyche yourself out or just be totally blank when there's cute girls in your proximity. It's just doubt kicking in from overly thinking about how you think it's gonna turn out. From an article chase wrote the way he would deal with it is to just criticize the doubt in his head. Tell yourself this anxiety and fear I have of rejection or a bad interaction is so so gay. It is the gayest thing ever. Let me do the thing first. Another technique hector would have is to internally keep calling yourself a bitch if you find yourself not wanting to approach. I think this can help if you want to prove to yourself that you are a strong man. Anyways I think if you are already outside it's much easier to overcome your anxiety because half the battle is won. Good luck man and best of luck to you.
 

zappbrannigan

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Messages
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By the way, know that the feeling you get when you push through the first few approaches is incredible! Like you really achieved something. I literally pumped my fist and jumped up into the air (after she was gone, of course) the first time I finally did it, even though the woman was married and not interested. She was beautiful, and I congratulated myself for doing it. Then comes the first number, same feeling. Then the first instant date. Same great feeling. Yet still there will be anxiety the next time you want to approach.

You say you don't have social anxiety. I do, a little bit! If I can do it (I "just" have to flip a switch, mentally), so can you.

I just watched a seminar by a Dutch PUA. In it, he said you have to cold approach about 600 girls before you really get it out of your system and can start to act relaxed and natural around them, like you would with your buddies.

Also, I've seen several stats by day gamers, and even the best can get a phone number from about 1 in 4 girls they approach (so, assuming your technique is good), and out of those, only 1 in 4 will actually go on a date with you. And of those, only 1 in 4 will have sex with you. That's 1.5% of the girls you talk to (again, assuming good technique). Once you've talked to 100 girls you'll actually start to get somewhere. It's a numbers game, you have to get through the "no"s to get to the "yes"es and such cliches apply. My approach counter is currently on 43, so I have a long way to go too (but almost halfway there!). I do not always number close (something I am working on improving!), so I got way less than 10 numbers. However, where I did ask, I think the 1 in 4 is about right; I got three numbers from the ten times I asked (and I am a total beginner!).

Of course, if you just go spam approaching, or asking for numbers without having built a good connection first, you won't get those percentages, but due to high volume you'll do equally well (or even better) in sheer numbers. Quantity or quality: your choice.

I find all of this soothing. Know you have a long road ahead of you, pack a lunch and make sure you stay hydrated and get going! :) Try to enjoy the process. Let me tell you, I'm struggling and am not talking to as many girls as I would want to. But I'm glad I am making the effort, even though I only practice day game once every 4 weekends (give or take, with downtime in winter). More does currently not feel sustainable for me, mentally (I have a mentally taxing job), but I'm certainly trying!
 

Rain

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Joined
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Messages
172
strictlyincreasing said:
I’m having real trouble with approach anxiety. I don’t have social anxiety and I don’t have trouble approaching guys or people who I have met before (warm approach). But I am really having trouble getting past my sticking point with women.

What seems to be happening is that I am thinking “go approach” or “hold your hand out and say something to get her to stop” or “walk up to her” but then I freeze up and just keep going as I was. So I might see a woman out and about and I am thinking that I will approach her. I’m ready to approach but then my mind goes blank and I keep walking along my way, past her. As I’m walking, I’m thinking “turn around and go back” but my feet just keep going. One example is that once I was getting ready to stop a woman on the street. Everything was ready and I knew exactly what I would do. But then, out of nowhere, I turned and walked away. Another time, I was walking toward a woman who gave me an approach invitation. I missed the chance to stop her so turned around to go towards her. But then my feet seemed frozen to the ground and I couldn’t move. Then I seemed to turn round and unconsciously walk away.

Why does this keep happening and how can I handle it? It seems like I’m being physically inhibited from walking up to the woman or opening my mouth. Now I know with almost complete certainty that some of these women would be happy to talk to me. Well, most women enjoy approaches even if they reject and people like talking to me on average. After bottling the approach, I really feel terrible. I’ve read all the GC articles and associated videos on how exactly to carry out the approach but I just can’t seem to do it. Has anybody on here had trouble like this? Will I need medication? Thanks.
I have trouble like this, and its still a problem today, I missed many approaches the last few days when I went out for daygame and some night game. A possible solution but you could try to break it into smaller steps.

I think, part of this might be willpower. We only have so much will power, and it's harder to "do an approach" as opposed to doing "half" an approach, but you have to make sure you keep trying to do a full approach in the future once you get comfortable doing half approaches. You might stop a woman and say hi, and then walk away. Or stand next to one who's already stopped, stand next to her on purpose, pick something off the shelf, put it back, and then walk away if you can't stay there and start talking. It seems maybe you're afraid of being "in set" as I am. Do you find it more or less likely if there are others around?
 

strictlyincreasing

Space Monkey
space monkey
Joined
Oct 24, 2017
Messages
67
Hey guys I managed to do a few approaches. It was just a matter of, thanks to a more experienced guy's advice, using meditative techniques to not give the anxiety attention and to see an approach demonstrated.

One issue I was having (maybe separate question for a separate topic) is that after I deliver the direct opener, the woman thanks me and then begins to walk away as if that's the end of it. How do I make it so that she's staying to chat a little? I have poor fundamentals so I can't expect to get an easy hook or an approach invitation. Do I need to make some cold reads?
 

JacobPalmer

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374
strictlyincreasing said:
Hey guys I managed to do a few approaches. It was just a matter of, thanks to a more experienced guy's advice, using meditative techniques to not give the anxiety attention and to see an approach demonstrated.

One issue I was having (maybe separate question for a separate topic) is that after I deliver the direct opener, the woman thanks me and then begins to walk away as if that's the end of it. How do I make it so that she's staying to chat a little? I have poor fundamentals so I can't expect to get an easy hook or an approach invitation. Do I need to make some cold reads?
You're focusing on the wrong thing, and you've even already mentioned it. If your fundamentals are poor then.........that is your #1 priority right now. Work on your fundamentals.
 

zappbrannigan

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space monkey
Joined
May 25, 2019
Messages
129
strictlyincreasing said:
Hey guys I managed to do a few approaches. It was just a matter of, thanks to a more experienced guy's advice, using meditative techniques to not give the anxiety attention and to see an approach demonstrated.
Congratulations on that! That's a good breakthrough.

strictlyincreasing said:
One issue I was having (maybe separate question for a separate topic) is that after I deliver the direct opener, the woman thanks me and then begins to walk away as if that's the end of it.
You have a good attitude, that's a good beginning.

Could be several things. Check that you are standing straight in front of her (without leaning in) with your feet planted firmly on the ground (indicating you're not going anywhere; she will follow your lead). Make sure you're smiling and mean the compliment. And finally, make it the compliment not seem throwaway (like you would give a passer-by while walking on), but make her feel that you use it to start a conversation. She should have come to a full stop before you deliver the compliment, otherwise her momentum will leave her walking on.
 

Rain

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Messages
172
JacobPalmer said:
strictlyincreasing said:
Hey guys I managed to do a few approaches. It was just a matter of, thanks to a more experienced guy's advice, using meditative techniques to not give the anxiety attention and to see an approach demonstrated.

One issue I was having (maybe separate question for a separate topic) is that after I deliver the direct opener, the woman thanks me and then begins to walk away as if that's the end of it. How do I make it so that she's staying to chat a little? I have poor fundamentals so I can't expect to get an easy hook or an approach invitation. Do I need to make some cold reads?
You're focusing on the wrong thing, and you've even already mentioned it. If your fundamentals are poor then.........that is your #1 priority right now. Work on your fundamentals.
Yes and no. If he's consistently approaching then yes, but if he's only done a handful of direct[which I have done recently] then he still needs to work on his approach anxiety and fix that first, or at the same time
eg I did some direct last week, then today, zero. If strong approach anxiety, need to keep at that.

With them saying thankyou and walking away. One did this recently to me, and yeah, maybe they're in a rush, maybe it's fundamentals like Jacob said. Also daygame, if most women are in a relationship, then daygame a lot will have a boyfriend and it would be legit? Heard that in an joe ducard and hector castillo interview recently. So you know, there's many variables and its difficult to say, unless someone watched I guess.
I don't think you need to do a cold read. Just go direct, and get good at being in set and if that becomes "comfortable" then you can start to think about standing up straight, or trying different clothes, etc.
 

strictlyincreasing

Space Monkey
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Messages
67
Rain said:
JacobPalmer said:
strictlyincreasing said:
Hey guys I managed to do a few approaches. It was just a matter of, thanks to a more experienced guy's advice, using meditative techniques to not give the anxiety attention and to see an approach demonstrated.

One issue I was having (maybe separate question for a separate topic) is that after I deliver the direct opener, the woman thanks me and then begins to walk away as if that's the end of it. How do I make it so that she's staying to chat a little? I have poor fundamentals so I can't expect to get an easy hook or an approach invitation. Do I need to make some cold reads?
You're focusing on the wrong thing, and you've even already mentioned it. If your fundamentals are poor then.........that is your #1 priority right now. Work on your fundamentals.
Yes and no. If he's consistently approaching then yes, but if he's only done a handful of direct[which I have done recently] then he still needs to work on his approach anxiety and fix that first, or at the same time
eg I did some direct last week, then today, zero. If strong approach anxiety, need to keep at that.

With them saying thankyou and walking away. One did this recently to me, and yeah, maybe they're in a rush, maybe it's fundamentals like Jacob said. Also daygame, if most women are in a relationship, then daygame a lot will have a boyfriend and it would be legit? Heard that in an joe ducard and hector castillo interview recently. So you know, there's many variables and its difficult to say, unless someone watched I guess.
I don't think you need to do a cold read. Just go direct, and get good at being in set and if that becomes "comfortable" then you can start to think about standing up straight, or trying different clothes, etc.
So when I go direct and they thank me and walk away, it's just a polite rejection right? It is definitely not a case of her not understanding that I'm trying to pick up, right?

I just thought that one could overcome poor fundamentals through daygame. But now it looks like there is still the moment after the opener where she can decide to stay in the set or not, and that is where your fundamentals are judged. However, I need to do more approaches regardless.
 

JacobPalmer

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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strictlyincreasing said:
Rain said:
JacobPalmer said:
strictlyincreasing said:
Hey guys I managed to do a few approaches. It was just a matter of, thanks to a more experienced guy's advice, using meditative techniques to not give the anxiety attention and to see an approach demonstrated.

One issue I was having (maybe separate question for a separate topic) is that after I deliver the direct opener, the woman thanks me and then begins to walk away as if that's the end of it. How do I make it so that she's staying to chat a little? I have poor fundamentals so I can't expect to get an easy hook or an approach invitation. Do I need to make some cold reads?
You're focusing on the wrong thing, and you've even already mentioned it. If your fundamentals are poor then.........that is your #1 priority right now. Work on your fundamentals.
Yes and no. If he's consistently approaching then yes, but if he's only done a handful of direct[which I have done recently] then he still needs to work on his approach anxiety and fix that first, or at the same time
eg I did some direct last week, then today, zero. If strong approach anxiety, need to keep at that.

With them saying thankyou and walking away. One did this recently to me, and yeah, maybe they're in a rush, maybe it's fundamentals like Jacob said. Also daygame, if most women are in a relationship, then daygame a lot will have a boyfriend and it would be legit? Heard that in an joe ducard and hector castillo interview recently. So you know, there's many variables and its difficult to say, unless someone watched I guess.
I don't think you need to do a cold read. Just go direct, and get good at being in set and if that becomes "comfortable" then you can start to think about standing up straight, or trying different clothes, etc.
So when I go direct and they thank me and walk away, it's just a polite rejection right? It is definitely not a case of her not understanding that I'm trying to pick up, right?

I just thought that one could overcome poor fundamentals through daygame. But now it looks like there is still the moment after the opener where she can decide to stay in the set or not, and that is where your fundamentals are judged. However, I need to do more approaches regardless.
Correct, if she continues on it is a soft rejection, BUT, you could still try to move the conversation forward by following up with a question of some sort, or introducing yourself. "Hi, I'm Strictly," (said with a sexy smirk and good eye contact) and then hold out your hand. If she then continues to walk away it's definitely a rejection.
 

jakesykes949

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Mar 5, 2019
Messages
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The only way to get over your approach anxiety is to actually approach.

Nobody wants to hear this, but it's what you need to hear.

Just. Fucking. Approach.
 
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