- Joined
- Nov 14, 2017
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- 346
I'm in an SMS conversation reconnecting with an old missed-flame who I've kept on the outskirts for years. She's thrown a grenade at me and I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out if there's still potential, and if so exactly what to do with the grenade in my hands!
The first three headings cover distant past, for context. The TL;DR of them is that we seem to have had an instant mutual attraction, and connected effortlessly, but for reasons beyond lunacy I not only didn't jump, but I friendzoned her, and eventually distanced myself to the point that for most of the intervening 7 years we've been in barely-know-each-other mode.
Clueless Courage
Some 9 years ago I was being trained in a group at an ex-job. The first day, we were all seated in a circle, waiting on the trainer, Don. There was a model-cute, sexy, 5'8" or so girl, 19, I couldn't help but notice, much as I didn't want to violate my love for my long-time, long-distance quixotic oneitis, Dulcinea.
Our eyes met and the girl, Aamito, gave me the sweetest, most unrestrained and inviting smile I'd seen in a long time. It felt like we were just naturally attracted to each other.
The system we were learning went off-line all the time. One such time, I got the urge to damn Dulcinea for just a moment, and go talk to Aamito while we were otherwise sitting idle. For once, I gave in.
Though I actually hadn't the slightest clue what I was doing with women, I thought I was Casanova. That may have actually helped me be relaxed.
One day not long after, I decided to sit in the row adjacent her usual spot, because I wanted her number. Her, a couple of her friends, and myself chatted on and off during down-time. When it came quitting time, I gestured her over to my desk, and got her number. Ironically, Don would later amuse and annoy us both by playing matchmaker on us.
I hadn't been exposed to any seduction guidance at this point, so alas I didn't proceed expediently, or indeed with any sort of structure. What I did wind up doing was spending a good hour or more on the phone with her on multiple occasions, often from her calling me.
She said she was single. However, I don't think I ever asked her out in this era. In any case, we only saw each other at work.
The Revenge of Dulcinea
After a couple months, the temporary glimpse of sanity my mind had experienced was extinguished by my very longstanding obsession over Dulcinea, in the interests of whom I decided to friendzone Aamito. I didn't actually tell her LJBF, but I cut back on our contact a lot and didn't pursue at all.
She continued to be pretty friendly, to the point that a more experienced friend outside that social circle who saw her behaviour towards me when we ran into each other on a train, chastised me for not going for her. We did on occasion still have phone conversations, usually fairly long.
In talking to her I came to learn that she's pretty liberal sexually.
Once, she told me that her and I would have beautiful children. :O
Another time, after her incidentally mentioning a boyfriend, she said, "Yeah, I have a boyfriend. But you don't have to worry! You are my husband." (I would later come to realize that isn't good!)
On at least one occasion she specifically brought up a humorous birthday card I'd given her at work a year or more before, which she'd been quite delighted by. (That's the only thing I've ever bought her, to my memory.)
Cryopreservation
Dulcinea did eventually lose her chokehold on my mind. Not to Aamito, but to a gorgeous tall black girl who worked at the same place, who favored Dulcinea, and who gave me the shock of my life: that I actually didn't know what the fuck I was doing with women.
That's when the scientist in me took over and finally claimed domain over romance, which to that point I had held sacred and exempt from logic. I discovered prior art in the field and soaked it up.
At this point, I realized that I had been remarkably lucky with Aamito, given my complete ignorance. But practical things in my life were messed, and my mental model of romance, while greatly improved, wasn't yet fully viable and I knew it. I at this point also appreciated the danger of getting friendzoned, and that if you're not in a position to take a girl quickly, you'd better keep her at a good distance.
There was one point fairly early on in this era where I actually (probably for the first time) tried to get her on a date. My basic model still had big holes, and she flaked. I got her to cede something she had to do to make it up to me, but I didn't persist in securing that.
But for the most part, over the next 7 years or so I kept Aamito at the know-each-other-but-barely threshold. We'd be friends on FB but barely interact on there, and might have a brief SMS or relatively brief phone conversation every year or two. She incidentally during this time also bounced back and forth between here and another part of the country.
2018
I decided to use this new year as an excuse to hook up with Aamito. Last we had briefly spoken was summer 2015. So this transpired via SMS:
Before saying a word more, I decided to have a good look through her Facebook. Very cute baby is there all over the place. (And I had forgotten how beautiful Aamito is.) What I could not find anywhere was the daddy. And fwiw, her status is set to single.
Of the parent couples I know that are anywhere near deeply in love, I'll just about always see the both of them.
While my sample size is not that huge, any time I see girl and baby and no male partner, she's either single, or very often there is a man in the picture but he's just a fixture of convenience, and they're either officially not together, or are nominally 'together' but everybody knows one or both cheats, or they're in an "it's complicated." And one female friend has gone as far as telling me that if you don't see the daddy, it's because he made an agreement with mommy to keep his face outta Facebook so that other girls he's smashing won't get spooked.
So I decided to act on the optimistic assumption that the only things holding her back were the practical matters she had given at face value, and that maybe she was even trying to discourage the needless (and for her, inconvenient) dalliance of meeting somewhere else before the main event. I've had a recent mother from peripherial social circle try to pull me home at the beginning of a first date, so I figured it wasn't unreasonable.
So I went on to send the most brave text I've ever sent in my nascent career:
The exchange was started early afternoon on Tuesday and by now it was well into evening, and my last text had been late afternoon, so I just went silent, but have been trying to figure out how to respond.
What Now?
Her use of the term "baby daddy" would generally imply they're not a couple, though I don't think that's always the case.
Her language also seems to imply they live together, but that could just be my overly literal interpretation. And if they do, it doesn't necessarily make them a couple, or in particular a strong one, although it might be more likely. I know one girl I almost slept with who lived with her babydaddy, though he was rarely home, and when someone asked her if they were together, she'd answer, "it is what it is."
Could be he's not even romantically involved with her but needs to be consulted due to its also being his baby's home.
So many unknowns! But something feels off about asking this kind of thing directly. I'd love some way to lead her to volunteer details without asking, but that's tricky.
I almost thought to suggest instead she get him to look after baby to give her some time out. But I figure this is pretty weak, since it seems like back-pedalling, and is also suggesting something she already somewhat refused.
I'd almost think she doesn't want to do this, but yet, between history and there being other ways she could've shut it down more reliably, I don't quite think so.
Maybe she doesn't know where I'm trying to take things. Maybe I should've been more clear in intent, but it's hard to do that before meeting, especially in this situation where I don't want to be too scandalous until I know her situation.
Interpretations of the situation, and ideas on proceeding, are most welcome!
The first three headings cover distant past, for context. The TL;DR of them is that we seem to have had an instant mutual attraction, and connected effortlessly, but for reasons beyond lunacy I not only didn't jump, but I friendzoned her, and eventually distanced myself to the point that for most of the intervening 7 years we've been in barely-know-each-other mode.
Clueless Courage
Some 9 years ago I was being trained in a group at an ex-job. The first day, we were all seated in a circle, waiting on the trainer, Don. There was a model-cute, sexy, 5'8" or so girl, 19, I couldn't help but notice, much as I didn't want to violate my love for my long-time, long-distance quixotic oneitis, Dulcinea.
Our eyes met and the girl, Aamito, gave me the sweetest, most unrestrained and inviting smile I'd seen in a long time. It felt like we were just naturally attracted to each other.
The system we were learning went off-line all the time. One such time, I got the urge to damn Dulcinea for just a moment, and go talk to Aamito while we were otherwise sitting idle. For once, I gave in.
Though I actually hadn't the slightest clue what I was doing with women, I thought I was Casanova. That may have actually helped me be relaxed.
We went on to talk about several places in Africa and also in my country where she'd lived, until the system came back up. She was extremely friendly.
One day not long after, I decided to sit in the row adjacent her usual spot, because I wanted her number. Her, a couple of her friends, and myself chatted on and off during down-time. When it came quitting time, I gestured her over to my desk, and got her number. Ironically, Don would later amuse and annoy us both by playing matchmaker on us.
I hadn't been exposed to any seduction guidance at this point, so alas I didn't proceed expediently, or indeed with any sort of structure. What I did wind up doing was spending a good hour or more on the phone with her on multiple occasions, often from her calling me.
She said she was single. However, I don't think I ever asked her out in this era. In any case, we only saw each other at work.
The Revenge of Dulcinea
After a couple months, the temporary glimpse of sanity my mind had experienced was extinguished by my very longstanding obsession over Dulcinea, in the interests of whom I decided to friendzone Aamito. I didn't actually tell her LJBF, but I cut back on our contact a lot and didn't pursue at all.
She continued to be pretty friendly, to the point that a more experienced friend outside that social circle who saw her behaviour towards me when we ran into each other on a train, chastised me for not going for her. We did on occasion still have phone conversations, usually fairly long.
In talking to her I came to learn that she's pretty liberal sexually.
Once, she told me that her and I would have beautiful children. :O
Another time, after her incidentally mentioning a boyfriend, she said, "Yeah, I have a boyfriend. But you don't have to worry! You are my husband." (I would later come to realize that isn't good!)
On at least one occasion she specifically brought up a humorous birthday card I'd given her at work a year or more before, which she'd been quite delighted by. (That's the only thing I've ever bought her, to my memory.)
Cryopreservation
Dulcinea did eventually lose her chokehold on my mind. Not to Aamito, but to a gorgeous tall black girl who worked at the same place, who favored Dulcinea, and who gave me the shock of my life: that I actually didn't know what the fuck I was doing with women.
That's when the scientist in me took over and finally claimed domain over romance, which to that point I had held sacred and exempt from logic. I discovered prior art in the field and soaked it up.
At this point, I realized that I had been remarkably lucky with Aamito, given my complete ignorance. But practical things in my life were messed, and my mental model of romance, while greatly improved, wasn't yet fully viable and I knew it. I at this point also appreciated the danger of getting friendzoned, and that if you're not in a position to take a girl quickly, you'd better keep her at a good distance.
There was one point fairly early on in this era where I actually (probably for the first time) tried to get her on a date. My basic model still had big holes, and she flaked. I got her to cede something she had to do to make it up to me, but I didn't persist in securing that.
But for the most part, over the next 7 years or so I kept Aamito at the know-each-other-but-barely threshold. We'd be friends on FB but barely interact on there, and might have a brief SMS or relatively brief phone conversation every year or two. She incidentally during this time also bounced back and forth between here and another part of the country.
2018
I decided to use this new year as an excuse to hook up with Aamito. Last we had briefly spoken was summer 2015. So this transpired via SMS:
The Phoenix programmed from birth to be a harmless guy, got that sinking feeling she wasn't interested. However, I have on a few occasions shot myself in the foot by not giving womens' words the most optimistic interpretation possible, and I didn't want to make that mistake again.
Before saying a word more, I decided to have a good look through her Facebook. Very cute baby is there all over the place. (And I had forgotten how beautiful Aamito is.) What I could not find anywhere was the daddy. And fwiw, her status is set to single.
Of the parent couples I know that are anywhere near deeply in love, I'll just about always see the both of them.
While my sample size is not that huge, any time I see girl and baby and no male partner, she's either single, or very often there is a man in the picture but he's just a fixture of convenience, and they're either officially not together, or are nominally 'together' but everybody knows one or both cheats, or they're in an "it's complicated." And one female friend has gone as far as telling me that if you don't see the daddy, it's because he made an agreement with mommy to keep his face outta Facebook so that other girls he's smashing won't get spooked.
So I decided to act on the optimistic assumption that the only things holding her back were the practical matters she had given at face value, and that maybe she was even trying to discourage the needless (and for her, inconvenient) dalliance of meeting somewhere else before the main event. I've had a recent mother from peripherial social circle try to pull me home at the beginning of a first date, so I figured it wasn't unreasonable.
So I went on to send the most brave text I've ever sent in my nascent career:
For better or for worse, proud of myself for trying! She, too, took a while to reply:
It's a good thing she's only one of several prospects plus day game, because even still, this left my head spinning!
The exchange was started early afternoon on Tuesday and by now it was well into evening, and my last text had been late afternoon, so I just went silent, but have been trying to figure out how to respond.
What Now?
Her use of the term "baby daddy" would generally imply they're not a couple, though I don't think that's always the case.
Her language also seems to imply they live together, but that could just be my overly literal interpretation. And if they do, it doesn't necessarily make them a couple, or in particular a strong one, although it might be more likely. I know one girl I almost slept with who lived with her babydaddy, though he was rarely home, and when someone asked her if they were together, she'd answer, "it is what it is."
Could be he's not even romantically involved with her but needs to be consulted due to its also being his baby's home.
So many unknowns! But something feels off about asking this kind of thing directly. I'd love some way to lead her to volunteer details without asking, but that's tricky.
I almost thought to suggest instead she get him to look after baby to give her some time out. But I figure this is pretty weak, since it seems like back-pedalling, and is also suggesting something she already somewhat refused.
I'd almost think she doesn't want to do this, but yet, between history and there being other ways she could've shut it down more reliably, I don't quite think so.
Maybe she doesn't know where I'm trying to take things. Maybe I should've been more clear in intent, but it's hard to do that before meeting, especially in this situation where I don't want to be too scandalous until I know her situation.
Interpretations of the situation, and ideas on proceeding, are most welcome!
I've been toying with the idea of moving to Nairobi or Kampala. Might put up a journal piece about it soon!