Hello to all,
Today I'm asking for your help because I feel like I'm in a bind (in my eyes). First of all, I think it's good to re-contextualize.
I've been with Alice for almost 5 years, we are both 29 years old. This is really the first relationship in which I feel perfectly comfortable, we are on the same page, we manage to share mutual passions, we enjoy spending time together. I wouldn't have believed it, but we managed to create our own cocoon where finally, we only need each other to be happy. In this dynamic, we have created our own routine. And yet, there is a snag, and not the least: sex.
Indeed, I think I have a low libido (and I don't masturbate) and I have erectile dysfunction. The problem is there. Now we have to retrace the history.
The first 6 months of our story, no problem to report, it was fire, we made love several times a day. It was so good that I even made her discover that she could take pleasure in the act (And inevitably, this is what will create frustrations thereafter on both sides).
After, we moved in together, and punctually, I had slackness: I was not in the mood / I did not feel like it and yet she was touching me naked at my side and it was not coming. This started to create a slight frustration in her where she felt "rejected" and therefore not wanted. This was made up for by all the other times it was great and it worked.
Time passed, and then for over a year now, this problem has continued to grow, so much so that right now, I feel like I'm at an impasse. Indeed, at the moment, it is a "trial". There are series where everything happens naturally, and others where all of a sudden, I have this slump and I get stuck in a vicious circle again until the next time it works. And the worst thing is that when it works, we both really enjoy it, which is a bit masochistic on my part! How does the slackness translate :
- She touches me, we touch, and it doesn't come.
- She touches me, we touch each other, it starts to come and then I start to think "It has to work this time. Remember X day ago it didn't work. Shit, if it doesn't work, she'll be frustrated, she'll feel rejected, I'm not even able to satisfy her desires". And like a soufflé, it deflates immediately. Even worse, sometimes I get close to the goal for penetration, and I panic too much to intellectualize everything, and it doesn't work.
- And since a few days, I have a new case: Penetration happens. And I'm not in the right mood because I'm rehashing too much my recent "failures", I want to satisfy her, and it gets soft in the penetration and it ends up coming out.
That's it, that's it. I already don't have a huge libido, if I miss my shot of the week, it's a total jackpot. It's really in my head, I think a lot, and there is no half measure. Because it falls back very quickly, all at once, and when it does, I know it's dead, it's impossible for me to go back and change my mindset. And it's very hard for me to try to rectify that. I am a very cerebral person in life, to an extreme point some would say, and there, it is impossible for me not to think. One can almost speak of "yips" for those familiar with sports. It's when in individual sports you're on your own and you can quickly rehash your mistakes and mentally collapse. I really see it that way. To add to that, in my Cartesian behavior (and low libido), I'm not someone who is the type to jump on my partner, to be in that "show" (if I may say so). I'm moderate, that's how I am (I'm into tenderness, affection, not necessarily passion). I would feel uncomfortable if I had to play such a character. Here is my feeling.
I share with you Alice's, we have the chance to discuss a lot on the subject. As I was saying, our relationship, we evolved in our vision of the couple and of us. For Alice, it has made her evolve as a woman, notably by discovering that she can enjoy sex and take pleasure. Lately, she has a lot of work to do, and she makes a lot of effort to maintain our cocoon, so she needs her "outlet" to be able to empty herself. Except that I am not able to give her this regularly. With this evolution, inevitably her expectations have changed. She loves our routine, our cocoon, but she would like a little more madness, passion, romanticism in our couple, where I am complacent in our routine which suits me very well. And there, these numerous breakdowns, that starts inevitably to annoy her (Already that she does not understand why I am not hard as soon as she puts herself naked or touches me), she tries to put her pride aside, and to make the first step again, for that a great number of times, that does not work finally. So, she braces herself, all that she has emptied in her head, her desires, nothing is fulfilled and it is very very difficult for me to know what to do. And that's why I don't do anything in those moments, I wait for it to pass. And that's what she also blames me for being passive, for not trying to find a solution, for waiting for her to come back to me because she will have calmed down. Nevertheless, considering my personality, and the recent failure, I can't see myself going back to the woodshed and trying again directly. It's hard. And if I think about it further, it's hard to say to myself "I'm going to try it now" knowing that even if I initiate the action, there is a risk that I will fail and that she will feel all the things I mentioned before. Do you understand my dilemma?
And this is where I feel powerless and in a dead end. On this point, even if we are perfectly compatible in our vision of things and our way of loving each other, it's very tangent and at some point, unfortunately, the fed-up will take over. As a man, it is a delicate subject: What should I do? Should I consult a doctor? Which specialist? What are the solutions available to me to find sustainability?
I am lost, and I know that I will have to find a solution very quickly.
Thank you for your help.
Today I'm asking for your help because I feel like I'm in a bind (in my eyes). First of all, I think it's good to re-contextualize.
I've been with Alice for almost 5 years, we are both 29 years old. This is really the first relationship in which I feel perfectly comfortable, we are on the same page, we manage to share mutual passions, we enjoy spending time together. I wouldn't have believed it, but we managed to create our own cocoon where finally, we only need each other to be happy. In this dynamic, we have created our own routine. And yet, there is a snag, and not the least: sex.
Indeed, I think I have a low libido (and I don't masturbate) and I have erectile dysfunction. The problem is there. Now we have to retrace the history.
The first 6 months of our story, no problem to report, it was fire, we made love several times a day. It was so good that I even made her discover that she could take pleasure in the act (And inevitably, this is what will create frustrations thereafter on both sides).
After, we moved in together, and punctually, I had slackness: I was not in the mood / I did not feel like it and yet she was touching me naked at my side and it was not coming. This started to create a slight frustration in her where she felt "rejected" and therefore not wanted. This was made up for by all the other times it was great and it worked.
Time passed, and then for over a year now, this problem has continued to grow, so much so that right now, I feel like I'm at an impasse. Indeed, at the moment, it is a "trial". There are series where everything happens naturally, and others where all of a sudden, I have this slump and I get stuck in a vicious circle again until the next time it works. And the worst thing is that when it works, we both really enjoy it, which is a bit masochistic on my part! How does the slackness translate :
- She touches me, we touch, and it doesn't come.
- She touches me, we touch each other, it starts to come and then I start to think "It has to work this time. Remember X day ago it didn't work. Shit, if it doesn't work, she'll be frustrated, she'll feel rejected, I'm not even able to satisfy her desires". And like a soufflé, it deflates immediately. Even worse, sometimes I get close to the goal for penetration, and I panic too much to intellectualize everything, and it doesn't work.
- And since a few days, I have a new case: Penetration happens. And I'm not in the right mood because I'm rehashing too much my recent "failures", I want to satisfy her, and it gets soft in the penetration and it ends up coming out.
That's it, that's it. I already don't have a huge libido, if I miss my shot of the week, it's a total jackpot. It's really in my head, I think a lot, and there is no half measure. Because it falls back very quickly, all at once, and when it does, I know it's dead, it's impossible for me to go back and change my mindset. And it's very hard for me to try to rectify that. I am a very cerebral person in life, to an extreme point some would say, and there, it is impossible for me not to think. One can almost speak of "yips" for those familiar with sports. It's when in individual sports you're on your own and you can quickly rehash your mistakes and mentally collapse. I really see it that way. To add to that, in my Cartesian behavior (and low libido), I'm not someone who is the type to jump on my partner, to be in that "show" (if I may say so). I'm moderate, that's how I am (I'm into tenderness, affection, not necessarily passion). I would feel uncomfortable if I had to play such a character. Here is my feeling.
I share with you Alice's, we have the chance to discuss a lot on the subject. As I was saying, our relationship, we evolved in our vision of the couple and of us. For Alice, it has made her evolve as a woman, notably by discovering that she can enjoy sex and take pleasure. Lately, she has a lot of work to do, and she makes a lot of effort to maintain our cocoon, so she needs her "outlet" to be able to empty herself. Except that I am not able to give her this regularly. With this evolution, inevitably her expectations have changed. She loves our routine, our cocoon, but she would like a little more madness, passion, romanticism in our couple, where I am complacent in our routine which suits me very well. And there, these numerous breakdowns, that starts inevitably to annoy her (Already that she does not understand why I am not hard as soon as she puts herself naked or touches me), she tries to put her pride aside, and to make the first step again, for that a great number of times, that does not work finally. So, she braces herself, all that she has emptied in her head, her desires, nothing is fulfilled and it is very very difficult for me to know what to do. And that's why I don't do anything in those moments, I wait for it to pass. And that's what she also blames me for being passive, for not trying to find a solution, for waiting for her to come back to me because she will have calmed down. Nevertheless, considering my personality, and the recent failure, I can't see myself going back to the woodshed and trying again directly. It's hard. And if I think about it further, it's hard to say to myself "I'm going to try it now" knowing that even if I initiate the action, there is a risk that I will fail and that she will feel all the things I mentioned before. Do you understand my dilemma?
And this is where I feel powerless and in a dead end. On this point, even if we are perfectly compatible in our vision of things and our way of loving each other, it's very tangent and at some point, unfortunately, the fed-up will take over. As a man, it is a delicate subject: What should I do? Should I consult a doctor? Which specialist? What are the solutions available to me to find sustainability?
I am lost, and I know that I will have to find a solution very quickly.
Thank you for your help.
