What to do when you ask a girl out too quickly?

[Kaida]

In school, I got assigned a seat next to a cute girl. It was a rare day that the teacher wasn’t there and we didn’t have much work so we had ample opportunity to talk. She obviously liked me, and the conversation was light but I did learn quite a bit about her like what sports she plays, why she plays them and her future dreams so I had a mild connection going.

In the moment, cuz I knew attraction expires quickly and there probably wouldn’t be another opportunity to talk like this in weeks, I asked her out confidently but somewhat clumsily saying “We should go grab something to eat sometime.” She was visibly startled saying “really, us?” I nodded my head and she said sure.

Got her number and she hasn’t replied all weekend.

Texted her 1 icebreaker, second text asked her what day shes available. (Im pretty sure the reason she hasnt responded is just cuz she has some setting that blocks unknown texts. Should have told her to save my number then and there RIP) My seat next to her is assigned, so I have an opportunity to talk with her again on Monday.

The problem with this is that I did not have a lot of time to screen her or demonstrate standards so it might feel like I just saw a pretty face and pounced on it offering a date. Didn’t make her feel too special.



Is there any damage control I can do to still demonstrate that I have standards and make her feel special?

Also how do I bring up her not replying situation without it seeming weak/negatively preselected like “U were the only girl I texted all weekend but I guess you were too busy for me goddess”?

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@Kaiderman dude! The wording of your ask wasn't bad at all, that's not clumsy. I'd recommend that wording "we should grab something to eat sometime" because you're not asking permission it sounds like she's already agreed and it sets a dominant leader frame which is good.

The timing of it could have been bad, it's hard to tell from your write up. You should always ask at a high point and not when the conversations about to die. Assuming you asked on a high note this went rather well.

Her startled reaction could be low interest or it could have been a shit test or just her poor lack of social calibration - though you got the number so we're going to assume attraction. You don't mention how soon you send your ice breaker message, usually the sooner the better but if you've waited a day or two this will encounter female state change.

Your biggest issue here is your follow up message going for a hard close. She wasn't a very warm lead, and if this isn't a well constructed message you're not going to get a response, you're also going to see her again and asking in person is more confident. It actually makes me ask the question why you didn't get her availability in person, that would have been smoother.

For your very last question, and this is the biggest thing to take from this. Drop that attitude and don't bring it up. Don't acknowledge it and it didn't happen, you look cool, calm, confident and unfazed which is very attractive. Pretend it didn't happen and pick up where you left off in person.

I highly recommend you read the articles on dealing with flakes and girls not texting you back. This will give you everything you need for this - remember you were to busy to notice she didn't text you back

 

[Kaida]

Man, I love seeing when it says you responded because I know I'm going go get a detailed and helpful response. Thanks a lot.

Now that I think about it, I believe I did ask at a pretty good moment, so score. She was talking quite a bit and investing a lot verbally while i was pretty quiet and relating with her intermittedly. I paused for a few seconds and then delivered my suggestion.

The thing I'm worried about is if I asked too soon cuz I didn't really have enough time to screen her to show that she actually met my standards and that's why i'm asking her out. I felt it may have came off abrupt and that's why she was startled. I hope it wasn't like "we've been talking for 15 minutes and he already wants to ask me out?" type deal. Maybe I'm overthinking that part.

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

You're definitely over thinking that part, you can successfully ask girls out much faster than that and without showing her she met your standards. This is why you see girls and screen them first before starting a relationship (of any kind, FWBs included). You invited her for some food to see if she can meet your standards.

Usually you can stack a qualifier before you ask, "you seem cool, we should grab some food some time" - you half qualify her so she knows why you're asking and you do this while implying she's still got to turn up and prove you right. This wording makes it smoother but that ask wouldn't be a death blow. Assuming attraction, you got her number but numbers aren't guarantees.

If you'll be sitting next to her today (Monday), she's going to be worried how you're going to ask after she's ignored you. So it's no big deal and you're unfazed, if she was unsure she's now going to be very curious about you. The whole situation puts social pressure on her or else this will be very awkward. You've got the advantage you can win her over in person

 

[Kaida]

You're definitely over thinking that part, you can successfully ask girls out much faster than that and without showing her she met your standards. This is why you see girls and screen them first before starting a relationship (of any kind, FWBs included). You invited her for some food to see if she can meet your standards.

Usually you can stack a qualifier before you ask, "you seem cool, we should grab some food some time" - you half qualify her so she knows why you're asking and you do this while implying she's still got to turn up and prove you right. This wording makes it smoother but that ask wouldn't be a death blow. Assuming attraction, you got her number but numbers aren't guarantees.

If you'll be sitting next to her today (Monday), she's going to be worried how you're going to ask after she's ignored you. So it's no big deal and you're unfazed, if she was unsure she's now going to be very curious about you. The whole situation puts social pressure on her or else this will be very awkward. You've got the advantage you can win her over in person

Alright, update:

I tried to do a slow smile at her as she walked in to set a good frame but she avoided eye contact with me the whole time, and I tried to talk to her when class ended or walk with her to the next class but she rushed out in the opposite direction of me even though coming next to me would have been faster lol. Teacher was in class talking the whole time like usual so I had no real opportunity to verbally set the frame of “I was too busy to notice”. I suspect shes feeling very awkward about ignoring me and is avoiding me cuz of it, and that attraction is definitely still there.

My worry now is that since I didnt set the frame immediately (I couldn’t even set it) she’ll assume that I accept that same frame because I couldn’t talk to her all class. She may perceive the silence between us as awkward even though it was impossible for us to talk. I believe I did well at looking relaxed and comfortable the whole class, but I’m not sure that worked.

Analysis?

 

[Fuck This]

So she's avoiding you....either because she's embarrassed because she doesn't know how to say "no" to a boy, or because she doesn't know how to say "Yes" Because you are such a celebrity in school she doesn't think she is worthy. But, most likely the former....

I remember how talking to the wrong person in school was social suicide for popular girls. 20 years later they were all telling me how cool I was and they finally appreciated me for my qualities they didn't see in Highschool. But that doesn't help you in the here and now...

Might be hard but Shake it off...like a missed pass, that one is over, go on to the next one. When she notices you with a girl who appreciates you she may well change her tune. If she was really mature abd squared away, she would have said "no thanks Kaider, I'm so busy with my sport, I don't have any free time. besides, I'm chatting up the football captain. "

 

[Skills]

So she's avoiding you....either because she's embarrassed because she doesn't know how to say "no" to a boy, or because she doesn't know how to say "Yes" Because you are such a celebrity in school she doesn't think she is worthy. But, most likely the former....

I remember how talking to the wrong person in school was social suicide for popular girls. 20 years later they were all telling me how cool I was and they finally appreciated me for my qualities they didn't see in Highschool. But that doesn't help you in the here and now...

Might be hard but Shake it off...like a missed pass, that one is over, go on to the next one. When she notices you with a girl who appreciates you she may well change her tune. If she was really mature abd squared away, she would have said "no thanks Kaider, I'm so busy with my sport, I don't have any free time. besides, I'm chatting up the football captain. "

Yeah it was not a strong interaction, she probably felt corner just to say "sure"... Then he went to "creepy" not getting hints territory....


If the girl does not respond to my ice breaker, i am done, i move on, she is sub communicating not interested...... Curios op what was your icebreaker? also why if she did not respond you went for a hard close?

next...

 

[Kaida]

Yeah it was not a strong interaction, she probably felt corner just to say "sure"... Then he went to "creepy" not getting hints territory....


If the girl does not respond to my ice breaker, i am done, i move on, she is sub communicating not interested...... Curios op what was your icebreaker? also why if she did not respond you went for a hard close?

next...

I went for a hard close after the icebreaker cuz it was sent in a way that she does not have to respond to. My icebreaker was “Hey this is Kai save my number” sent about 20 minutes after getting her number.

then like 5 hours later I sent a voice message saying that she seemed cool and should tell me when she was available so we can get the food we want. Didnt respond.

I’m not really trippin I’ve already mostly closed the book on her mentally. I’ll find other girls to talk to.

 

[happynanako]

First - do not assume that she is totally into you, but you can assume she likes you.

2nd - attraction expiry? Don't ever rush in, sounds like both of you don't actually know another yet.

3rd - forget about the part that she didn't reply to, don't push for it. Not all things you would need an answer for it.

4th - don't ever tell a girl that she's the only one you're texting, it would make it seem that you only have her around your schedule when the both of you aren't even dating yet.

5th - Don't ever use text to know one another, use texting just to make arrangements for plans or just a small quick chat that's all.

6th - this is like for your info - "My icebreaker was “Hey this is Kai save my number”. She simply acknowledges it and doesn't have anything for her to respond.

7th - damage control - do u have a huge social circle on campus? Time is the real answer for damage control. Don't ever feel awkward in front of her, because if you feel awkward, it shows her that didn't reply to you has an effect on you. Carry on and do your stuff as per normal.

8th - For now, I think you should do a group outing, including her to make it less awkward, get to know her better before making any move. Who knows, after knowing her you might find behaviour in her that might turn you off.

9th - If after months, there is still no changes in her behaviour, I think you should move on. Miracles can happen as perhaps she sees you as going way too strong for her and she feels uncomfortable.

Most importantly, text less, go out more. Find opportunity to call instead of texting. slowly transit