Marriage  Why no more sex in marriage?

A

Anonymous

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I am not married and never have been. However, I notice a trend in my friend's lives and on TV. It seems that a lot of men's wives don't want or don't like to have sex.

My friend has been married for about two years and he always jokes about having to bargain for sex with his wife and that she never wants to do it. I spent some time with them the other day and I was caught by how rude and disrespectful she was to him. Making references and joke about him not being manly. So, I assume that she has just lost that attraction for him?

Also, on the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond It is an ongoing joke that Ray is always trying to get Debra to have sex and she never wants to and sometimes even has a "you wish" kind of attitude. Is this common in marriage? If so, why?

I also hear from friends and read in marriage advice columns etc. about men asking their wives for sex. This seems weird to me. Should men be asking for sex? I would think it would be better to just physically escalate.
 

Good Vibes

Cro-Magnon Man
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JDave said:
I am not married and never have been. However, I notice a trend in my friend's lives and on TV. It seems that a lot of men's wives don't want or don't like to have sex.
If any woman of mine doesn't want sex she wont be around me for too long. However it's not the woman's fault she doesn't want sex it's the man's for not being dominant and attractive. A lot of TV shows display men as losers with women for the humor. You should have the ability to separate entertainment from real life and enjoy these shows but realize they are for comedy only and you know better.

JDave said:
My friend has been married for about two years and he always jokes about having to bargain for sex with his wife and that she never wants to do it. I spent some time with them the other day and I was caught by how rude and disrespectful she was to him. Making references and joke about him not being manly. So, I assume that she has just lost that attraction for him?
Once again no dominance and attraction and to avoid disrespect he has to give her want she needs which is tenderness, romance and quality sex plus have her seeing you attracting other women usually gives her a good kick up the bum.

BTW being dominant and tender is not a contradiction. You lead the way by deciding what the two of you should do but in a caring way. Women like to be lead when they know that you know what to do.

JDave said:
Also, on the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond It is an ongoing joke that Ray is always trying to get Debra to have sex and she never wants to and sometimes even has a "you wish" kind of attitude. Is this common in marriage? If so, why?

Yes it is common, the poor suckers but you can be different.

JDave said:
I also hear from friends and read in marriage advice columns etc. about men asking their wives for sex. This seems weird to me. Should men be asking for sex?
Yes you should and make no apologies for if. Sex is fun and satisfying for both.
 

Richard

Tribal Elder
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For the "average" person who has not joined this site and gotten worlds better with women, then, they do not understand (as GV) said how to be dominant and sexy throughout the relationship. Statistically speaking, through the general long term relationship, the amount of sex two partners will have will drop significantly from many times a week to only about 1-2 times a week. In my opinion, this happens because the woman begins to assume control of the sex, and after she's been able to control the sex, the challenge and thrill of having the sex is gone.
 

Motiv

Tool-Bearing Hominid
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DrexelScott said:
Why should she make any attempt to please you, once she's gotten everything she wanted?

She owns you now. She knows you can't go anywhere without incurring massive penalty.

She won, so she no longer sees a reason to play the game.

I have met MAYBE three couples in my life in which the man was able to hold his frame and the woman stayed attracted to him. THREE. Out of HUNDREDS.

It makes a difference whether you know how to push a woman's buttons and turn her on, sure--but you're fooling yourself if you'll think she won't cut you off from doing that once she has your balls in her purse.

Athol Kay is married, Rollo Tomassi is married, and I think even Roissy (Heartiste) is married. If you're going to find any chance at maintaining a marriage long-term where the woman actually has sex with you and stays attracted to you, those guys have some good things to say about it.

Also, attraction and "passionate love" have expiration dates. It settles eventually into a comfortable familiarity, at which point it's more like sleeping with a friend or relative than a lover. That's just how our bodies work, the hormones transmute and get replaced by "pair-bonding" stuff instead of "get pregnant from this dude" stuff.

I am very curious to read what those married men did to make it work. I experienced a taste of expired passion last night when I couldn't finish inside my girlfriend after some of the most passionate foreplay we have ever had. I orchestrated everything because I wanted her to feel like a sex goddess, and I achieved that (had her moaning like a siren from oral, begging for cock)... only to feel like I was fucking an illusion of my own making. Sure, I do have my issues, but it does make more sense to me considering the hormones.

-MP
 

Chase

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If you're doing everything else right with regard to sex (e.g., the sex is good for her / she enjoys it / orgasms hard and a lot), there's a simple way to deal with sexual refusal with any kind of live-in long-term female partner:

"Okay. Anyway, I'm going to head out for a bit."

You don't actually have to go hit on other women. Can just go sit in a café and work. And maybe check a few women's waists and hips out while you are there.

Gets most women back to the place where they are giving you all the sex you want again. It's 100% female competition... women want to shag the men other women want to shag. If she feels like other women don't want to shag you, she loses interest in shagging you. If she feels like other women are trying to shag you, she goes crazy trying to empty your balls into her so you're much less motivated to empty them into some other chick.

If she senses you are even beginning to reduce investment in the relationship, to reorient yourself to a fresh mate hunt, the threat of loss will motivate most women to open their pussies back up. Men want sex, women want commitment. As soon as sex goes off the table, your commitment starts to wane. She puts sex back on the table, your commitment rejuvenates.

Be sensitive to short-term, passing items, of course. A temporary health concern. Or she's had a really bad day. Or the two of you had a big fight.

If it goes on more than a week though (with health), or more than a few days (with something else), you need to start putting more other-woman pressure on the relationship again to get her motivated. There may occasionally be genuine long-term health issues (maybe she fails a pap smear and needs abnormal cells removed from her cervix and can't have sex for 3 weeks, for instance). But that's about it. "I'm depressed" is not an excuse, since if you do a good job in bed, penis-in-vagina sex with a desired partner is one of the biggest mood-boosters and depression-busters a woman can have. Careful about not going soft because "Well, she has an excuse. Maybe I should go easy on her." Beyond a few days, serious health issues are the only real excuse.

If her father died, she's still going to feel better getting reamed from behind by you 3 days after the funeral than she will if you let her lock herself in a room for 2 weeks and sob into a pillow, alone.

==

Just keep in mind... sexless marriage = guy sucks in bed and/or there's no other-woman threat to the relationship.

Give her orgasms, and make sure she understands you can replace her anytime, and will happily commence your hunt if she refuses you too often or for too long. When her panties go up, your feelers for a woman who will drop her panties for you go out. Watch how fast her panties drop when that happens. You do have to mean it though... a woman has to know you will actually cram your dick in another vagina if she deprives you too long or too often or you get too fed up with the sex from her.

This is how you get a healthy sexual relationship, where your woman is always willing to satisfy you sexually, no matter how far into the relationship you go, and enjoys herself immensely as she does it. The sex is good, and she knows you're with her because you choose her, not because you have no other choices.

==

One other thing to be aware, at relationship commencement: mismatched sex drives are a huge looming problem.

If you have an enormous sex drive yet the girl has a low sex drive, you might be able to cajole her into most/all the sex you want at the beginning, during the honeymoon phase. But the longer the relationship proceeds, the more you will find yourself sexually frustrated, and her annoyed at your pestering. Likewise, if you have a low sex drive, while she has an enormous sexual appetite, the roles will be reversed. Try to find women whose sex drives closely match your own.

Chase
 
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