How to stop saying mean things to women?

[Hplom]

Hello, I'd like to ask advice on an issue that I have.

When I have some investment in a girl, sometimes her behavior will make me feel slighted, even though a lot of times this could be unintentional. But whether it is intentional or not, I react in these situations by hurting the person that has made me feel slighted or bothered. Sometimes, this can be that I directly say things to cause them to hurt, or it can be that I "punish" the person by acting cold and aloof. What I know is that the situations that make me react this way, is if the girl acts or says things that I perceive as an attack on my ego, or I feel the girl is not respecting me or acting as submissive/enamored by me as she used to. I believe this ends up slighting my ego, or sometimes hurting my feelings, and I react by punishing them, whether that is acting cold and aloof, being passive aggressive, or sometimes outright saying hurtful things to them. This has been the downfall of any relationship with girls I've had. This is not a problem early on,, but becomes an issue when I have come to expect her to act as submissive and compliant as she has in the past. And if she doesn't and I am starting to invest in her, it will bother me and I will act in the ways I mentioned above.

I'd like some advice on cutting out this behavior and acting more masculine and unbothered, and handling those situations in a strong, masculine way that does not hurt the perception of the women I like.

An example of a casual relationship in which I acted this way, was this girl that the first time I had sex with her, she came a lot and complimented me on being the only man that could outlast her in bed. She wanted to see me almost every day after that, and I would routinely make her orgasm 10+ times. This lasted over the span of a few weeks, I would go over her place and she would cook food for me. The last time I saw her we both got drunk, and I made her squirt for like 30 minutes straight. She always texted me, and was always lovey dovey when we met. Wanted me to sleep with her often, but I never did. So, I had a pretty solid idea that I was quite valuable to her and she wanted me, because of her chasing, compliance, and how I'd fuck her in bed. But after that drunk sex, she went to her mother's place for a week, and when she came back, she stopped talking to me. She said I was a great guy and really fun, but due to the time I would meet up with her, I was affecting her studies in school, and that she couldn't see me anymore. I didn't like that and I wanted to keep fucking her, I tried to convince her otherwise, and she remained steadfast. I was confused on how someone who wanted me and enjoyed me so much, could change that much in a week's time and I thought that maybe her family influenced her to make that decision. I kept saying things to try and convince her, she said goodbye to me and I got really angry. I said hurtful things to her, that I knew she was insecure about, and told her to kill herself.

I am certain, that if I would have handled this situation better, she would have come back for more later on. But even if she did not, I would like to handle these things that don't go my way, in a way that makes me more attractive, and make me feel stronger as a man. That's what I would like to learn here.

I have acted this way in serious relationships as well, not exactly in the same ways, but the same motivations behind it. And it has ruined my relationship with women that really liked me, that were infatuated with me. Because, I never act that way with women who don't like me that much. It's always the ones who like me a lot, and are really compliant to me and build my ego up, and then my ego gets slighted whenever they don't act in the way I've come to expect from them.

I'd like to clarify that I have personality issues, stemming from childhood abuse. I'm not using that as a crutch, but I would incorrect to think that the way I act in those situations is not related to some defense mechanisms I built when I was younger. But I am 26 now, and I want to stop acting this way for both myself, the benefit of my relationships with women, and to protect the emotions of those women I unnecessarily hurt.

I am starting to see a therapist, and I still haven't spoken to them about this but I plan to soon, and perhaps they can help me with this. But I also want to consume, and be influenced by the masculine, attractive behavior spoken about here, so that I may absorb it and overwrite the "natural inclinations" I have in the situations I mentioned.

If anyone has advice for me I'd be pleased to read it. Thank you for reading.

 

[MuST0BtA1NSkR1Lla]

When I first got into PUA a decade or so ago I used to have those feelings happen as well. But then after some point you have to learn to leave people better than how you found them.

Quite often now adays when I’m looking at potential partners to go out with, I see and talk to these women and they are damaged personalities. While I think for a certain amount of it is because of previous relationships that just didn’t work out a lot.

Sometimes you’ll have to do introspection, though don’t go on that road too often because it can become a big time sink and an endless pitty party. Other days you’ll have to channel that negative energy into useful actionable things, *[Go for a swim, make yourself a nice dinner, have some money for a small event etc] I’ve always had a very tough time at becoming angry if I’m well fed, comfortable and looking at something beautiful. *[Perhaps art]

Every person now adays says they need a therapist but I’ve found most if not all people just live shitty lives. Luckily I found PUA early on in my life and ten years later using it I’m rarely too shaken or discouraged or even angry. Unless of course exception being is if the women are trying to pick or trample on my fun/freedom then it’s fair game.

One psychology thing that I think is super over blown is this childhood trauma garbage. You are an adult, it’s time for you to grow up and stop blaming childhood trauma for your shitty actions. If I were talking to myself twenty years ago or whenever I was a kid I would expect to see somebody who was dumb, stupid and a kid.

Last but not least always have another chick on the go, getting complacent in life tends to at some point create a bad situation when the good times end.

Aloha
MuSt0

 

[orkie123]

I had similar feelings when I got my ego hurt. It would only happen when I had some level of expectations of the girl.

Few things that helped me:

1) Whenever anyone hurts your ego (a girl, your boss, employee, landlord, friend), resist the urge to tell them anything bad until you have had 1 nights sleep. If you are angry go for a long walk without your phone, punch a pilllow in a place where nobody can see you or do whatever healthy release you prefer . If after you sleep over it, you still think they deserve your wrath, go for it (most of the time you would realise its not worth it, nor would it help your goals).

2) Lower your expectations of people but keep boundaries high. This one is hard to do but we are all human. The way I like to think of it is from the quote "Everyone will hurt you, you just have to find out who is worth the pain".

If someone hurts you or your ego, decide how bad it was and whether it is a one off or a pattern. Then, based on your boundaries of the type of people you want around your life, you decide how to act:

a) If it was a tiny thing, and not a pattern, you let it go.

b) If it is a tiny thing and a pattern, after the initial strong feelings have dissipated, you let them know firmly but nicely that it is not something you accept. Always do this in private rather than infront of others, and preferably in person.

c) if it was a medium thing, even if not a pattern, I would let them know as above.

d) if it was a big thing, after giving me myself to make sure Ive correctly judged the situation, I would move on from the person. Depending on circumstances, may wish them well or explain why.

The situation you describe with the girl suddenly going cold - she has every right to do that. It could even have been a way to try and even up the power dynamic given what you described.

In that particular situation, I would have slept on it. Realised that what I want is things to go back to where they were or to move on and decided that the best way to increase the chance of this happening is to agree and amplify:

"Yeah we had some awesome time together but these sessions take up lots of time. Having some time to focus on real life will do us good"

Then slowly attempt to seduce her again (if she doesnt do it herself at some point) in a few weeks. You can even use the "we need time apart" to tease her a little or make an inside joke. If you do meet up, words agree with her but your actions will still be going for the seduction.

3) Having multiple girls at the same time also helps a lot. There is always bit of frustration if supply of sex dries up which can cause needy or desperate actions.