FU 2.5 day long date

[Smiling_Stray]

So I met a girl on bumble that was exactly the kind of person I'm looking to meet and it we hit off great from the first text onward. We texted in paragraphs briefly on the app and exchanged numbers when I asked her out. It was all pretty by the book, this is a bit more recent and the experience I had with this woman managed to get under my skin more so I won't go into the nitty gritty since it's just based on some stuff here I typically use with some personalization to fit my personality more. We texted for maybe a week before actually meeting, I didn't really think we were going to meet since that's just how I think (I don't like to hype myself up before actually seeing someone). She'd typically start text conversations with me on a daily basis and I could tell she just wanted to be comforted and reassured I was a cool and normal guy and not some kind of murderer or something. So I just let myself get comfortable with her over text and talked to her more. Before I met her, I had made the mistake of not texting another woman I had gone out with before and regretted it since that was the most frequent way I could communicate with that woman so I didn't want make that mistake again.

Anyway, we eventually met at a pizza place closer to her place. It wasn't ideal for sex, but I figured we'd be okay saving that for the second date in this case since the rapport was so good. We had talked about going to some more private spaces with her car prior to the date as well. My car doesn't have a backseat so I figured that'd be great just in case we built up to sex on this first date. We stayed at the pizza place for a bit and talked really openly for a long time (maybe 45 minutes) then moved on to the next place. Long story short, we climbed a radio tower and had a romantic kiss, climbed down after a bit, and hung out on a beach for a bit under the moon shared some more moments, and went to another place, did the same thing, and she asked if I wanted to go back to her place. Of course I did. So we went to her place and watched a movie, connected a bit, and I tried for sex a bit but she was pretty resistant (figures at this point, I would be more in boyfriend territory). So we settle down a bit and I spend the night in bed with her. We wake up the next day, I try again, but she's too tired.

She makes me breakfast and asks if I'd want to meet her again that day after I ran some errands I had to do. I agreed again because I was thinking more time means more chances without thinking about it much. So I came back an hour or two later and brought her back to my place. We basically did the same thing we did the prior day, but at my place. Only this time, when we get to my room we start making out a bit more and for whatever reason, I get the idea to kiss her neck. This gets her a lot more excited and we get to a point where sex is obviously going to happen. She wasn't wearing a bra under her shirt anymore, and my hands where on her breast over the shirt. It would be so easy to just pull the low cut shirt down but instead of just doing what I should've done (given a look and a pause with my fingers in position to pull the shirt down to give her time to say no, which she probably wouldn't but hey, can't really assume these things) I asked verbally if I could pull it down... yikes. The way I asked was not phrased great either but I'll spare you the bone headed moment I had. The tension continues for a bit and it never really gets resolved, it just kind of fizzles out into a feeling of dread. We go to bed, then wake up early.

She sits for a moment and starts trying to argue to with me about sex and stuff close to the topic and how she wants to slow down a bit. Then said she wanted to go home. I immediately knew she was looking for a rationalization to understand what she was feeling, and didn't fight with her. We talked frankly for a minute and I took her home. I kept this quiet on my end for the most part and didn't get dramatic about it, I just let her speak her mind and guided her thoughts toward a more favorable rationalization. Like "things happen, lifes crazy, we don't know what's going to happen." Or "It was just too much of a good thing". By the time I dropped her off, our mood had shifted to a point where it was like nothing happened. She positioned for a kiss goodbye, I gave her a kiss on the cheek and a smile. She scratched my head, gave a smile and waved goodbye as I left. On the way to drop her off I had also noticed she wanted to keep in touch and was worried about me ghosting her. Neither of us did this.

She texts me about a few hours later and says she's open to another date. I find myself getting more paranoid about things and thinking about her too much after that so I just decided to let go of it entirely (or as much as possible) on an emotional level. I distracted myself with whatever I could, tv, art, driving, and hanging out with other people. There would be times I needed to have space to myself I would take it. About a few days in, it felt a lot more distant. Today, I texted her and ended up asking her out again. We started to set it up but she was unsure and said it wasn't going to work out but offered to pay for the date expenses. I said "bummer :/" and that it was cool, dates a date. I also said we were cool and she said we're all good too. That was pretty much that.

I took a minute and processed it a bit. I feel fine, a lot better than I did a few days ago. Definitely a bummer though. In a few days I'm sure I'll catch myself forgetting anything even happened at times. Maybe in a week or two I'll get in touch with her and try again. Maybe not. We'll see. Either way I definitely learned that when the finish line is in sight, speak with actions and either don't miss the mark or don't start for it in the first place (as in maybe don't kiss the neck if ya ain't sure you can make the sex happen there and then). Of course, I already knew that, but I didn't really KNOW that, ya know? It's another thing to experience something. It sticks with you more. I'm sure I've experienced this before but it's been a while, sometimes a refresher's needed. In terms of questions, I guess the only question I have is: So I missed the opportunity for sex when it was at my fingertips, literally. What now? It was a three day sort of almost relationship thing (but not really a relationship), so if I give things a week or two to reset for both of us and get back in touch could we start over and try again or is that just it? Obviously, I'll keep meeting people in the meantime and I have a few others at this point (which I'll go over in other posts) but this one stuck on an emotional level and I like the idea of trying again and not fucking up but hey, if it is what it is then...

TLDR: Bumble woman, pizza date becomes a long night of bonding for two nights in a row. Meets at my place on the second night, almost fucks but doesn't. Handles fuckup reasonably well and keeps in touch. Gets second chance, but not really because when I ask her out she says she's just not feeling it now. Keeps calm and carries on, wondering if a reset would change anything but not holding breath.

 

[Marty]

This was a very engaging report, Smiling_Stray. I enjoyed the romantic touches with the tower, beach and moon.

I’m not in a position to give you any advice, since I don’t have adequate experience, but I will empathize: I once ended up going on three dates in two consecutive days with one woman. We met one evening for an informal meal in a mall food court, then she wanted to meet the next day in the afternoon at a hookah restaurant, then she asked to meet yet again the same evening for dessert at a rather nice cellar establishment; the whole thing ended in a spectacular fuckup that makes your report appear a stunning success by comparison.

By the way, why didn’t you just pull the shirt up? I get that it was low-cut and that you could access the breasts by stretching it down a little; still, this unnecessarily damages what might have been a quality garment; I like to think I would have undressed her confidently and skillfully rather than pawing at her clothing, having already gotten that far—but as I said, I am in no position to advise.

 

[Chase]

@Smiling_Stray,

A few escalation tips:

• Don't mix and match escalation styles. If you want to run the verbal buy-in style, do it the whole way (and in a fun, playful, sexy way): "May I kiss you?" "May I fondle your breasts?" "May I remove these breasts from this shirt?" "May I liberate your silky legs from these constricting jeans?" Etc. That way it's congruent, playful, sexual, and fun.
  
  
• Skip the breasts and go for the pussy. It's just a lot easier and girls have a lot fewer auto-defenses to it, since most guys go to the breasts first.
  
  
• Pull your cock out. It helps.

The reason she reacted that way in the morning was because you failed to close her the night before, as I imagine you know.

By the time you reached that next morning, it was toast. Very hard to come back from that.

Her not going ice cold right away still left you an opportunity... you needed to rebuild attraction hard though. Phone call, sexy voice, get her excited about you again. Not text messages.

You accepting her frame with a "bummer :/" after she told you it wasn't going to work nailed the coffin more.

Had you not accepted her frame, you could've gone radio silent for a few weeks, then circled back around with some fun, "life is good!" type audio or video messages, potentially re-intrigued her, and gone for another date... then hopefully have done way, way better on the escalation.

Even then, you're not going to get the relationship you want with a horribly botched first escalation followed by having to chase and re-seduce her later. Basically the only point at that point is to get the lay then move on.

But with the frame acceptance I'm not sure what you can do. Anything you try at this point is a real long-shot.

Advice going forward:

1. Don't try out new escalation styles or new techniques with girls you really like. Prone to backfiring.
   
   
2. Don't mix and match escalation styles (at least not until you're a pro). Pick one that works well for you and stick to it throughout.
   
   
3. Don't accept negative / final frames from girls. If you can't think of anything to say, don't say anything at all. Really, you SHOULD say something that makes it clear you don't accept the frame, but nothing at all is at least better than simply accepting her frame.

Cheers,
Chase

 

[slashrfnr]

Don't accept negative / final frames from girls. If you can't think of anything to say, don't say anything at all. Really, you SHOULD say something that makes it clear you don't accept the frame, but nothing at all is at least better than simply accepting her frame.

Hi Chase, could you elaborate a bit more on responding in these situations - or even whether it is worth it if you aren't doing it just for the chance to shag her?

For context, I'm in the dating to settle down stage of my life. One thing I've experienced (and i see it more from dating apps, where you've had no prior interaction in person, so the date is the first time they physically meet you) where it seems like the date has gone well, the girl qualifies herself, has been open to physical escalation/kiss, but then the next day I've got the 'no romantic connection' text (which is a catch all term of course).

I think in some cases it has been a case of great connection but then disappointment/backward rationalisation because I didn't pull her/seal the deal, but others its been perceived incompatibility - for instance, I'm big into music, and speak very passionately about it, and did so on a date with a girl once. Date seemed to go well, we kissed blah blah blah. Next day got the 'didn't feel the romantic connection' message, and I expressed my surprise, and she said that while I was a good kisser (always nice to hear) she could tell i was hugely into music, and its not a big thing for her and felt we weren't compatible.

Question is whether it's ever worth trying to reframe the 'no romantic connection' in either of those situations (if I'm not bothered about just getting the lay), and if so, how? It's always felt too chasey to me to try changing her mind at the time, and also feels a bit petty not to respond to the message saying there was no romantic connection.

 

[Skills]

So I met a girl on bumble that was exactly the kind of person I'm looking to meet and it we hit off great from the first text onward. We texted in paragraphs briefly on the app and exchanged numbers when I asked her out. It was all pretty by the book, this is a bit more recent and the experience I had with this woman managed to get under my skin more so I won't go into the nitty gritty since it's just based on some stuff here I typically use with some personalization to fit my personality more. We texted for maybe a week before actually meeting, I didn't really think we were going to meet since that's just how I think (I don't like to hype myself up before actually seeing someone). She'd typically start text conversations with me on a daily basis and I could tell she just wanted to be comforted and reassured I was a cool and normal guy and not some kind of murderer or something. So I just let myself get comfortable with her over text and talked to her more. Before I met her, I had made the mistake of not texting another woman I had gone out with before and regretted it since that was the most frequent way I could communicate with that woman so I didn't want make that mistake again.

Anyway, we eventually met at a pizza place closer to her place. It wasn't ideal for sex, but I figured we'd be okay saving that for the second date in this case since the rapport was so good. We had talked about going to some more private spaces with her car prior to the date as well. My car doesn't have a backseat so I figured that'd be great just in case we built up to sex on this first date. We stayed at the pizza place for a bit and talked really openly for a long time (maybe 45 minutes) then moved on to the next place. Long story short, we climbed a radio tower and had a romantic kiss, climbed down after a bit, and hung out on a beach for a bit under the moon shared some more moments, and went to another place, did the same thing, and she asked if I wanted to go back to her place. Of course I did. So we went to her place and watched a movie, connected a bit, and I tried for sex a bit but she was pretty resistant (figures at this point, I would be more in boyfriend territory). So we settle down a bit and I spend the night in bed with her. We wake up the next day, I try again, but she's too tired.

She makes me breakfast and asks if I'd want to meet her again that day after I ran some errands I had to do. I agreed again because I was thinking more time means more chances without thinking about it much. So I came back an hour or two later and brought her back to my place. We basically did the same thing we did the prior day, but at my place. Only this time, when we get to my room we start making out a bit more and for whatever reason, I get the idea to kiss her neck. This gets her a lot more excited and we get to a point where sex is obviously going to happen. She wasn't wearing a bra under her shirt anymore, and my hands where on her breast over the shirt. It would be so easy to just pull the low cut shirt down but instead of just doing what I should've done (given a look and a pause with my fingers in position to pull the shirt down to give her time to say no, which she probably wouldn't but hey, can't really assume these things) I asked verbally if I could pull it down... yikes. The way I asked was not phrased great either but I'll spare you the bone headed moment I had. The tension continues for a bit and it never really gets resolved, it just kind of fizzles out into a feeling of dread. We go to bed, then wake up early.

She sits for a moment and starts trying to argue to with me about sex and stuff close to the topic and how she wants to slow down a bit. Then said she wanted to go home. I immediately knew she was looking for a rationalization to understand what she was feeling, and didn't fight with her. We talked frankly for a minute and I took her home. I kept this quiet on my end for the most part and didn't get dramatic about it, I just let her speak her mind and guided her thoughts toward a more favorable rationalization. Like "things happen, lifes crazy, we don't know what's going to happen." Or "It was just too much of a good thing". By the time I dropped her off, our mood had shifted to a point where it was like nothing happened. She positioned for a kiss goodbye, I gave her a kiss on the cheek and a smile. She scratched my head, gave a smile and waved goodbye as I left. On the way to drop her off I had also noticed she wanted to keep in touch and was worried about me ghosting her. Neither of us did this.

She texts me about a few hours later and says she's open to another date. I find myself getting more paranoid about things and thinking about her too much after that so I just decided to let go of it entirely (or as much as possible) on an emotional level. I distracted myself with whatever I could, tv, art, driving, and hanging out with other people. There would be times I needed to have space to myself I would take it. About a few days in, it felt a lot more distant. Today, I texted her and ended up asking her out again. We started to set it up but she was unsure and said it wasn't going to work out but offered to pay for the date expenses. I said "bummer :/" and that it was cool, dates a date. I also said we were cool and she said we're all good too. That was pretty much that.

I took a minute and processed it a bit. I feel fine, a lot better than I did a few days ago. Definitely a bummer though. In a few days I'm sure I'll catch myself forgetting anything even happened at times. Maybe in a week or two I'll get in touch with her and try again. Maybe not. We'll see. Either way I definitely learned that when the finish line is in sight, speak with actions and either don't miss the mark or don't start for it in the first place (as in maybe don't kiss the neck if ya ain't sure you can make the sex happen there and then). Of course, I already knew that, but I didn't really KNOW that, ya know? It's another thing to experience something. It sticks with you more. I'm sure I've experienced this before but it's been a while, sometimes a refresher's needed. In terms of questions, I guess the only question I have is: So I missed the opportunity for sex when it was at my fingertips, literally. What now? It was a three day sort of almost relationship thing (but not really a relationship), so if I give things a week or two to reset for both of us and get back in touch could we start over and try again or is that just it? Obviously, I'll keep meeting people in the meantime and I have a few others at this point (which I'll go over in other posts) but this one stuck on an emotional level and I like the idea of trying again and not fucking up but hey, if it is what it is then...

TLDR: Bumble woman, pizza date becomes a long night of bonding for two nights in a row. Meets at my place on the second night, almost fucks but doesn't. Handles fuckup reasonably well and keeps in touch. Gets second chance, but not really because when I ask her out she says she's just not feeling it now. Keeps calm and carries on, wondering if a reset would change anything but not holding breath.

this girl was into you and down, but totally a butched escalation.... Also you know that leading and dominance is attractive, can i do this can i do that? as you witness it barely works and turns women off "nice guy" vibes, there was a girl complaining about this in one of reddit saying how guys are so careful..... You are also too much pride and into your ego... Let me tell you what happened to me one time, i had this girl and i overpromise all this great sex and she bought it, at the moment of truth, i underdeliver.... she did the same thing as you girl did, she was still interested, i just playfully made fun of myself and my performance (in a smooth way) she said it was ok not big deal and gave me another chance..... Just like you i was terrified, sometimes bad experiences give us ptsd... Looking bad i was self protecting my ego.... Anyways, think about that, you still may have a chance with this girl, also a sure way to get easy escalation and relax the girl is with massages, good beginner move causes pausible deniablility for sex and touch, relaxes her, you can undress little things and get compliance once she is turn on go all the way.... When i got anxiety about sex or girls did too massages was an easy way out.... You start friendly regular massage like you would give a friend of family member, after getting compliance you go more towards errogenous zones indirectly to see how she reacts and then you straight up can touch in a massaging way errogenous zones, easy way to transition to sex.... Anyway lead don't ask may i do this or that, micro escalate or micro remove small items gauging her reaction if she tense up, stop, then try again even doing this is attractive cause she knows you got it (social intelligence).... Sloopy escalation signal women that you don't know what you are doing in bed...