2014 Field Report Journal

[Epictetus]

So here I am starting out my first ever organized seduction journal. Some basic info about myself: I am young (early twenties), in college, and with very little (relative to the folks on this site) sexual experience. I've only had one long term sexual relationship (3-4 months) with a girl I dated back in high-school and have had with only one partner after that since being in college. There have been other instances that did not end in intercourse and I may reflect upon those in the journal to see what I can gleam from them in relation to the knowledge (courtesy of the GC Team) and experience I have have now. I can already feel that this was a good idea and I look forward to documenting my successes and, if not more important, my failures. Anybody who has words of advice, supplementary analysis, encouragement, or friendly criticism is more than welcome to post. I've been a steady reader of GC for over a year now and have digested the theoretical elements of seduction as well as a fair amount of the techniques but have not applied myself in full to realizing them in real life. Here's to remedying this situation!

1/17/14

Don't really feel comfortable with the whole "ranking" system that some people like to use (for the psychological reasons listed on this site). White girl, brunette, petite. So, I thought this girl was pretty cute (girlfriend material) and I found myself thinking of ways I could approach her. We have an early morning class together 3 times a week and I made it a point to sit as close as I could to her early on and start up conversation. She came of to me as kind and inexperienced. I think my interest in her may have been to obvious but it was by no means overt. There was a middle aged women in between us who I had to ask questions to in a general way so as not to appear rude (i.e. first few days of class, making conversation with new people, can't flat out ignore a nice lady in the proximity of this younger lady). I did this politely but not sincerely and it showed I think. I am beginning to realize how difficult it can be to accurately recall the details of a past situation without projecting new emotions onto the scene that did not exist. I think I should approach this a different way listing out the facts first.

1) Girl in class, I find her attractive.
2) Sit close to her, start up conversation. Question her etc.
3) Older lady between us, is brought into the conversation.
4) Manage poorly between the two (too interested in the girl)
5) Realize and investing too much and pull back for the rest of class
6) During class I realize the importance of not looking at people (they can tell) and make it a point to not look at her so that she can look at me
7) Also realize the importance of not jumping to every question posed in class. If you make your self more you make others less and they resent you (even if innocent). Don't make yourself more, don't make others less. No one likes a know it all. Law of Least Effort. Give a concise, intelligent, creative answer every once in a while.
8.) Class ends. I start up conversation again. We walk out of the class and I ask if I can walk with her. She does not mind we keep walking and talking.
9.) We are approaching the outside and, eventually ask her if she likes tea. She replies, in essence, not really but she does on occasion (this girl would answer looking slightly down and in a longwinded way).
10.) I ask if she would like to grab tea with me in town, that I know a good place called so and so. (Slightly nervous not aware enough to change offers)
11.) She, becoming visibly nervous the moment I ask her if she likes tea (sensing where this was going likely), agrees.
12.) I realize that she doesn't like tea at this point and talk about alternatives in town.
13.) She asked if I wanted her number and I put it in my phone and texted her.
14.) I ask her what her schedule is but she is somewhat disorganized/unsure sounding and mentions that saturday or sunday or if not this weekend next weekend would work.
15.) Thread resolves and we go onto to other topics walking a while until we part ways (me to class her to her car)
16.) Stupidly, I say goodbye last saying something like "See you tomorrow hopefully"
18.) I wait a day and text her in the early afternoon. Using the texting rules on here I construct some low risk warm texts in essence seeing if she figured out her schedule today.
20.) She gives me some super cold but functional responses. I keep my cool and keep text form. I ask her if she'd like to meet another day and she says next weekend maybe.

I was pretty confused at first. She could have easily dismissed me at earlier stages (let alone ask me if I wanted her number). Going off of what she did though, she was not interested. She had a rough time with social stuff at a previous school she said so maybe it has something to do with that? Maybe she felt bad about straight up saying no? The next week (yesterday) I had class with her and resolved to just chill back and not make a big deal out it. Not very talkative but I didn't push. She was very much all business when it came to the class. Rushed out quickly (sign she didn't want to be caught up by me?) I've let her go more or less. Will see if she wants to do something this weekend tomorrow but if I get an ambiguous answer I'm just gonna move on (she has her reasons). Got to go work out/do school work but will add more later.

 

[Epictetus]

Epictetus here. So a follow up to that last post. I had class again with the girl in it and decided to say hi (courtesy) but other than that not really pay any attention to her. Why should I anyways? Why should I invest emotion, time and effort into a girl who does not feel the same way? Self-respect. In any case, pulling back after having giving her attention (and having been implicitly denied over text) seems to be the most intelligent thing to do in any case. I was pretty sure I caught her glancing at me slightly once or twice in class (she was probably curious as to what happened). Maybe I can rebuild it over the course of a few classes.

Aside from that girl I got the number of a different girl two days ago at a vegetarian lunch place on campus I eat at. She is a brunette, 21, snowboarder, talkative, seemed somewhat insecure (but if a girl is really interested she may seem insecure, and invest a lot). I was eating alone as I often like to do and noticed a few girls but did not pay them much attention. I will say that what followed was definitely a case of vibe trumping all. I seriously don't think it what have mattered what I said to this girl given the way I was. What do I mean by that? Well, I was in a very reflective mood, fighting the ego burn from the previously mentioned rejection. Then, in a moment of realization I let go of the standards in my mind that had been burnt into me from an early age. For a moment I didn't care about what the people, men or women looked like. I let go of a large amount of my standards regarding women for a brief while. I didn't care what people, women most of all, thought about me either In sum, I just didn't give a fuck. I relaxed on my table and was incredibly peaceful. It was like an immense burden had been lifted from me. Everything felt more a live and I didn't care what the people around me thought. Why should I? What do these people do for me? Nothing. Anyways, in this state of temporary transcendent confidence (for lack of a better term) I noticed a few girls looking at me. Not in a judgmental way but in an interested way. One girl I noticed as I looked over made eye contact with me and smiled and I smiled back. I went back to my food and finished eating. I got up and got ready to leave but then stopped. The girl was sitting by herself. I looked within myself and didn't go to my head for an answer because I knew that all I'd get was some story trying to convince me to not do it. But the story never came and I, with absolutely no anxiety (because I genuinely didn't care about the outcome. I just wanted to talk with her and thats what I did) went up and asked her what her name was. Surprised but happy, she told me and asked me if I wanted to join her. I did. She proceeded to tell me all about herself. I just watched, it was like everything was happening in slow motion. I just kept asking questions and speaking very slowly, and intently observing what she was saying. Smiling occasionally at her remarks. We were both transfer students and I cold read that she was Polish after she said she had an difficult last name (she looked European and from my experience that generally meant eastern euro so a bunch of "c" "z" etc). I asked her very slowly and with genuine indifference whether she would like to go grab a drink with me (or go around town, very close to campus) said she by no means had to agree and that I wouldn't be offended. She said yes and gave me her number. The problem here though was that of logistics. Once again I got stuck at logistics. She couldn't get her schedule straight. She works full time as the assistant to a small bed and breakfast and was busy most of the weekend. This slowed the conversation. down a little and I was on a time crunch because I had to run to class so the conversation ended, not poorly, but not as well as the beginning (and I know you need to mind the end in all things).

That night I send her a text saying I enjoyed meeting her and asked her how the rest of her day went (bad move, realized after I sent it. What was the function of the second part of that text? Just wanted to break the awkwardness of a first text days later) She texted back at least and was much warmer than the first girl. I texted back because it would have been even more awkward not to. No response. Next day in the afternoon (today) she texts me saying sorry for not texting back that she's bad about that. I wait an hour or two (forget about it) and text back saying its cool and ask if shed like to do something sunday (this coming sunday). She says, in a matter of fact way, that she had work all this weekend and cant. I leave it alone for hours. Just now sent a text. Heres the convo:

Her: Hi, I'm not a good texter backer sometimes...
Me: It's cool; how's your day been?
...no response...
4 hours later
Me: Would you like to do something with me on Sunday? (Note: Was fatigued and tired of this girl so just put it out there)
Her: I have to work all weekend, I'm the assistant inn keeper at a bed and breakfast.
3 hours later
Me: No worries! I've been pretty held down by work as well. See you around another time maybe.

I've begun to think of all of the things I do more functionally. What do I mean? Well simply, I ask myself: What is the function of "whatever it is I'm doing, she's doing etc.". Basically the same analytical question I've been asking myself when facing any subject area.

So the function of that last text was to
1.) counter her indifferent energy with a slightly positive one.
2.)Empathize (I have to work as well i.e. my time is valuable too)
and
3.) Let her know that I'm loosing interest in her so as to encourage her to chase (i.e. See you around another time maybe.)

Not sure if that text actually fulfilled those functions but I feel good about taking the steps to even think about it that way. I've been getting better at actually simulating situations as they occur to empathize more effectively. Don't start with "I" but with "not-I". Meaning don't ask what I would do if so and so happened but what not-I would do if so and so happened. Such as how I (if I were not-I, the girl) would react to me (I) saying, doing, or being (or not saying, not doing, not being) something.

So thats that.

There's another girl who pursued me and engaged me in conversation to ask me out but I wasn't super interested in her (not ugly but not very pretty either). I still struggle with internal consistency and seduction. I don't want to hurt anyone. I have some limiting view points that are sub-conscious and can only come out as they do so by in there own time I feel. When they do I have to catch them and work on them then. I wish there was something other than the chaser chased continuum but its all I see in any relationship on campus (whether they know it or not). So many people are woefully ignorant of even the theoretical aspects of seduction, let alone the practice of it (myself included although not as much anymore). My friend Jan (guy) invited me to his friend (a girl group) 21 bday tomorrow and she specifically asked him to invite me. She's cute imo and I distinctly recall successfully flirting with her at a previous party so I can only imagine what is possible tomorrow. My goal is to, for once, stay rational, keep form, and do exactly what GC tells me to do. Just for the hell of it right? If I play a role she'll play a role. Seducer, seduced. Lover, loved. Just got to establish, and maintain that frame. She's the pursuer and interpret everything she does that way and project that reality, along with the sexual frames (which I have little experience with). I'd rather err on the side of caution and try to establish a vibe to guide me. I feel that everything I do seductively is just an expression of a seductive state of being. Get that going and everything will go as smoothly as it possibly can go for me at this stage (with what I know, my experience etc.) And hey. I'm just there to have a good time and sex can be a part of that good time. I need to project that carefree reality in which its not a big deal, etc.

Enough for now. Check back in tomorrow to let y'all know how it goes.

-Epictetus

 

[Epictetus]

1/25/14

Morning everyone. It's amazing what a solid night of rest can do for any problems you may have. This entry isn't a big one just some theoretical digestion (GC material). Even with only 2 reference points (met 2 girls, got 2 numbers, texted back and forth with both) it is incredible how much I have learned. Reflecting on my interactions with the two girls mentioned above I realized that the big difference had to do with connection building. I was re-reading one of Chase's articles on screening and deep diving when it hit me. The function of conversation with a women you have just met or are meeting out for the first time is to build connection. The second function is to use that connection to move things forward in the direction you want (i.e. number, movement, investment, pull etc.). I'm new so this may seem obvious to many but for me, to realize as I was in the field, was pretty liberating and took off another level of anxiety. I knew what I was doing and I knew how to do it. Screen, Qualify, Deep Dive. With the second girl she was talking, interested and nervous. I just listened and asked one or two questions about what she was telling me but did not think to screen her and actively qualify to make her feel understood. This killed the great relaxed mood by the end of the conversation. What is the function of this? That is the question that I need to ask myself before doing anything. In one sense, things must be their own end for there to be any quality in the end result (for the means are what the end is made out of) but unless you are aware of that end result you will not have a context to plan intelligently. This is why process is so very very important.

Two notes concerning the girls above. The first I decided to persist (never lost my cool within the week. She said maybe next week last weekend) Sent her a text today:

"Hey L, hope you're weekend has been good thus far. Mines been pretty solid. Thinking of heading to the "chocolate bar" tomorrow, care to join?"

I figure that will tell me whether she is interested really or not. Its on my terms (i'll keep them that way) and I'd be going anyways. If she says no or gives me another ambiguous answer then that's that. I'll respond in a chill way in either case. I've got a party to go to tonight in any case and more girls to meet as well as a fairly busy schedule to keep tabs over. No time for people who want to waste my time or play hard to get.

Speaking of the party tonight. As I mentioned earlier a friend of mine was asked by a platonic girl friend of his to invite me to her 21 birthday party specifically. I flirted with her before but I'm somewhat cautious as to what she would like to use me for (if only sub-consciously). It will be a good time probably but I also have work I could get done. If she wants some guy to give her validation and attention on her b-day party in front of her friends that no thank you. I don't drink or smoke (any more) and there would be a fair amount of that going on (which is fine, I can manage those scenes sober easily by now). I'll need to give this some more thought. Anyways, enough for now.

-Epictetus

 

[Epictetus]

A lot to write about tonight but I will try and keep it concise.

So, its been a few days since I last posted and a fair amount has occurred in the interim. There are a few threads which I'd like to discuss, each thread being a different girl. Connecting all of these are the insights and experience points I've acquired from the aforementioned interactions.

Classroom Girl 1
In case there is any confusion, this is the girl I had initially approached at the very beginning of the semester (i.e. 3 weeks ago). My last interaction with her was in class post a 2nd attempt at getting her out with me. She declined, albeit truthfully, my invitation to go out this last sunday (I asked saturday; the text convo. is in my previous post). She responded that she had too much work to do Sunday and could not go out. Realistically so did I and I really wasn't all that disappointed. She took a good 6 hours to respond, but I wasn't really invested in her at that point (given the previous attempts) and didn't pay much mind. I texted her back late Sunday telling her that it was no big deal, that I couldn't end up going out either due to work and commiserated with the amount of reading we were assigned. She never texted back which was fine. I had other options I saw her eventually the next class and the vibe had reestablished as chill.
An aside on vibes. I had always been subliminally aware of "vibe" but am only now becoming extremely aware of vibes as they occur and how important they are to ANY interaction (even if its with work etc.). Your inner state determines your outer state. What you say and do naturally is an expression of that inner state. If that inner state is peaceful, your outer actions and words (or lack of action and lack of words) is going to come of as peaceful. This is extremely important I realize (as the GC has written in depth about) in how people receive you. Furthermore, this is the reason why what you say can often not really matter in an interaction if your vibe is right. What do I mean by right? I mean if your vibe (i.e. inner state) is relaxed, sensual, and confident then you can damn well say anything (so long as its not too crazy) and be well received by a girl. Now I had to add a condition to this of course. I'm only speaking from the reference points I have now. Every success I've had so far (for where I"m at now) has occurred relative to the degree my inner state matched one of the effective ones listed above.The more relaxed I am on the inner level, the more clearly I can think, the more creatively I can think, and the more imperturbable I am to any tests a woman might throw my way. A great vibe on its own won't cut it completely, but its the closest thing I can see to what feels like "natural" game. Like improvisation on the piano. You need the theory and you need the technical understanding to navigate the keyboard but ultimately the technique and theory is just a well sharpened tool to be wielded by the vibe that plays with it. The inner state plays with whatever the outer state offers. Just some thoughts.
All of this nice theory aside, it definitely takes a lot of real experience before any of this stuff can become second nature (as Chase says). Going back to the last class I had with this girl I made sure to sit in a different spot and get there earlier than she did. In the new spot she has to look at me to look at the board and I make sure to limit my attention to her and not look at her first when she walks in. She was warmer this time around and I learned more about her (deep diving) but I pushed it to far again this time and she was framing it as though I were being slightly to inquisitive by the end of it. Going to step on back again this next class and focus on my posture in class.

Vegetarian Lunch Store Girl
Haven't heard from this girl since that first texting interaction and thats okay. Didn't end particularly badly and may give her a text in a few days just to see whats up. I have a feeling she was genuinely busy the first weekend. If she has any interest at all she may agree to meet up. I've really been sinking into a relaxed mentality about all this recently. Like fuck it. My time is valuable. Because well, it is valuable. Regardless of the conditions of my life, my time is valuable. Every moment is precious, even the seemingly shitty ones because they teach you the most. What kind of person would you be if you didn't think your time was valuable. To think such a thing is to fundamentally think that YOU are not valuable. That your life is not good enough. A.) What a terrible (and untrue) thing to believe and B) What a terrible thing to make someone else feel about themselves. What is your life other than the space and time in which you live. If some girl doesn't want to spend time on me and offer nothing in return for what I could offer or even see what that offer may be (i.e. my time, company, sexuality) then on to the next one. "I don't chase 'em I replace 'em". I love that line so much. I read that first here at Girl's Chase and I am so happy for it. It's such an honest and empowering world view. Going back to the girl, if she wants to meet up, we can meet up, in an area thats convenient for me, casual, with easy logistics. I'm realizing that the more I point out my scarcity and casualness to girls the more successful I'll be because it expresses the very mentality above which feels attractive and so very very good. To the point, lets grab a drink at the local little place on campus. When? Today? Between so and so hours. Don't want to? Fine, see you later. With politeness and good vibe of course. Also making fun of girls (teasing) is a lot of fun. I've been getting much better at it in these last few days and can definitely tell when enough is enough. Got to balance the teasing.
A big one here: I finally understand frames. I mean in real life. I can see them dished out, and can control them far more than I have ever been able to. I always had the most trouble theoretically with frames. Now I think of it as a definition of a situation. An establishing of the interaction, the function each person is playing. Chaser-Chased. What is your role in the situation? The frame is always implied by the first person to speak or even how the person's body language speaks and unless that person counters (which can, often effectively,be just straight up ignoring-as Chase points out in a few articles; I think the one's on Law of Least Effort) they have accepted that frame and will begin sub-consciously playing the role (perform the function) they have been assigned. For example, there is this one douche who had been calling me "buddy" (in a condescending way) every time we started an interaction but recently my fundamentals (body language) have been so dominant that his words and role have been breaking into a different position (even thought he may start out by saying that).

Classroom Girl 2
So new girl, new class. End up running into her on the way up to the class room and strike up a convo with her. She asks me a strange question at first "Do you think a question can be an argument for itself?" She had just come from an intro logic class and the professor (if I understand correctly) had tried to argue that a question can be an argument (a rhetorical question for example). I believe what the professor meant was that a rhetorical question (which contains an assumption expressed contextually or non-verbally as to the truth of whatever answer they wish for the student to realize as true) can perform an argumentative function which I agree with. But this girl wasn't totally clear and a little confused. I was genuinely interested in this girl from that moment. From a very early age I had read philosophy and been thoroughly disturbed by my own (and realities existence). Philosophy was never a "classroom" event for me. It was a "psychological-ontological" necessity. Needless to say, I suffered from a large amount of existential anxiety as a teenager. It was refreshing to talk to a girl who genuinely appreciated the importance of philosophical questions (she was, as I later found, a philosophy major). I talked with her during class and found out she is a 1st generation Russian. I ended up getting lunch with her afterwords but unfortunately I was extremely fatigued. I could not keep form and found myself making stupid errors. I pretty much just collapsed into a mix of shitty form and genuineness. The genuine part (i.e. expressing what I do, who I am) without regard for what she thought, definitely helped. I am quite passionate about a few things, and knowing russians are big on passion for what you do, I pushed that element. Enough went wrong however that it didn't end well, but not horribly either. I kind of fumbled out a request to get lunch again, and she kindly said that we could play it by ear and she would see me in class tomorrow. So that's that.

Felt really good after this though, the ego burn isn't really affecting me as much. There are so many girls on campus. Made mistakes, sure. Aware I made mistakes, even better. Decided to focus more on my body language. I bought a copy of Make Girls Chase a few months ago but never gave it a thorough read through (let alone put it all into practice). I've been moving slower and holding my chest out more. I've been raising my chin just a little above parallel sometimes and it creates this kind of exalted look imo. I've been feeling it as well. When I sit with girls I've been getting good feedback since the addition. It creates a kind of bored superiority feel and encourages me to look at girls from the side of my eyes a little. Helps my vibe a whole lot. I had a conversation at dinner tonight with some girls (all cute) I'm very good friends with (nice sexual tension going on, don't see them all the time, they respect my time) and I talk to them about some of what I've been doing (approaches etc. they give me feed back sometimes, but more importantly they are good reference points for the female mind, what they do versus what they say etc.). One of the girls commented on how impressed she was that I go out and actively approach girls well and that I'm the only guy she knows who does it (basically implied that a lot of other guys don't know whats up). It was a nice genuine compliment.

Before I forget there is a pretty cute girl chasing me atm.

Birthday Party Girl
The one from the birthday party I mentioned in the last post. Its funny how when they chase you just kind of forget sometimes. Been on the other end of that spectrum most of my life it feel. Its enlightening. But honestly I'm just super busy (school, work, etc.) and don't have time for people who don't offer me something I value and value I can enjoy giving to them. She seriously persisted in getting me to drink at her party even thought I do not drink or smoke and made that clear along with other things (which some of the girls found attractive). I was tired and didn't care to much about being there so I ended up having a small drink which I regret somewhat but it was still fun (I do drink on occasion but only on the rare occasion). We had a good conversation, I never invested to much and deep dived a fair amount. It was only myself, my guy friend and like 4 other girls but it worked out alright. We exchanged numbers and she invited me to go to bar with her and her roommate the next night but I had to do work and needed to go to sleep early for my morning class which I told her. I offered to meet up later on in the week. She responded yes, telling me to have fun (smiley face and all). Its funny how you can feel when someone is investing more effort into you then you are to them even if its only a little.

Vegetarian Girls 2

Met two girls at the lunch place I go to. One was a girl who works at the bike shop that I'm training at and the other was a cute blonde girl with a nose piercing. Need to learn to be more sexual but I definitely added a more sensual feel this time in the interaction (with my new awareness of frames). Unfortunately, a girl from last semester who had shown interest in me before joined them and it made it difficult to navigate between the 3 (versus the 2) ended up being a fairly group convo. but made it a point to focus more on the girl I had initially show in interest in. Kept the investment balance in check and used silence as a form of funny social pressure. I remembered their names and when they tried to get mine I didn't answer when they said my name just long enough to break it and comment on how I was messing with them. They are going on a snow boarding skii trip through the gym that I'm signing up for as well so that will be a fun time to get to know them more. Threesome possibility? No reason not to try

Man I've written a lot for tonight. So I end it here. Goal for next couple of outings: Be more sexual. In other words; throw out the sexual frames to establish a sexual vibe. Sexual frame leads to sexual vibe, sexual vibe leads to sexual frame. Use uncertainty, tease, touch, etc. More than enough fun stuff to play around with

Until next time,

Epictetus

 

[Epictetus]

It's been awhile since I've posted. Here's why.

Building off of the success of the outings described above along with those not listed I, quite effortlessly (which is the only reason it happened in the first place) brought a girl (a cute blonde) back to my room and had long and passionate sex with her. I met her the night before and we hit it off really well but it was late and I was tired so I made plans to see her another time. The next night I went to a super bowl party where she was at but couldn't really find a place to talk to her. I left because I didn't care that much. She texted me asking me where I went and I invited her back to my room. I honestly didn't care that much because at that point I had begun to realize how empowering it is to be a guy in the dating game once you begin to cold approach. There are always more options and nothing truly bad can ever happen. You either succeed or you fail and improve. Sure, maybe the ego takes a hit but only when your started it up again after a long period of absence (or for the first time). This was mid-way through my spring semester of college. She, of course, came. My roommate was there but quickly got the message and excused himself. I was nervous but calmed myself and made a move which she received warmly. Took her onto the bed and escalated going for the pants first of course. And before you know it I'm going to town with her. Probably two hours in I finally managed to cum. I had gotten into a state of mind where I had been focusing on giving her as good a time as possible that when it came time for me to cum it was actually difficult because I was trying to cum. Funny how the mind works. Don't want to cum, and you'll cum. Want to cum and you won't cum. Maybe not all the time but that what I remember happening. So she was very satisfied and commented upon how surprised she was because most of the time sex isn't that good. She left and came over two days later. I went no condom that time (which was fine, she was on the pill and didn't have any std's) and we both experienced our first simultaneous orgasm which was probably the most intense sexual experience I've had to date. So she's doe eyed for me for the next month, I asked her to be my girlfriend a little over two weeks in of hanging out. We had a ton of sex and some fun times. In retrospect I did a lot of things wrong and became arrogant thinking that what got me her (i.e. stuff I learned on girlschase) was no longer needed hence my absence from the board. But really, I was just infatuated. And so was she, for awhile. The first month was great. But she slowly wore down my discipline in other areas of my life. I was no longer getting out of bed early or going to bed early. I wasn't getting my work done like I used to. Slowly but surely, without my knowing, I became needy. Needier that her. And the downward cycle had begun. At the end of two months, the second month was just a painful falling apart, she broke up with me. I was fairly strong and even accepted it when she first told me and left without a tear on my face. Ironically, of course, this was the best thing I could have done. It was too painful though and I did things later that made it worse. She came over about a week and half in, we tried to be friends, but I ended up bedding her. She went of the radar real quick then. She was very cruel and unfortunately she had permeated the small friend group I had foolishly become dependent on that consisted of three girls and a guy and I lost two of the friends in the divorce while the other two were neutral. Thats another story. I had the freedom and independence to maneuver myself around many groups but slowly became somewhat lonely and fell into hanging out with a smaller group. Never any outward anger on my part and practiced non-resistance as well as I could. Fast forward to the end of the school year. I had gotten over the emotions a fair amount and made amends with her slightly. I hang out with her the very last night of school and end up having sex with her and healing a large amount of the pain that was inflicted. Still have trouble keeping my cool but it was not nearly as bad. She goes off for a few weeks comes back and we end up getting together again but I text her too soon and too often and she basically disappears again. This is just recently. Not responding to any text to hang out but will respond to others. Its very disheartening but I've decided to just let it go. Its paradoxical but these things always are. Let go of control and you regain it. Stop trying to possess and the possessions will stay around longer than they would have. Don't chase and you'll be chased. Don't be kind because you're afraid. Thats not kindness. That's being a sycophant. Stop trying to know a person and you'll actually see them. Stop trying to connect with someone, and true connection will be possible. Don't obsess over the outcome and the outcome will take care of itself. Its counter-intuitive, but its also far more real, and requires far less effort which is another pointer that it will work. Thats all for now. Just needed to post something to get the ball rolling. Any comments would be appreciated but since this post is somewhat vague and not in the proper forum for that its no big deal either way.

Yours Truly,

Epictetus