3 Year Relationship- Sex Dried Up

[ohyea12]

Hey guys so I've been in a relationship with my girl for 3 years now. For the past 6 months the sex just hasn't been the same, it just became too routine. We only do it about once every 2 weeks and there's no more passion anymore. I know that it's all on me since I'm the guy so I'm trying to fix things the right way after reading all the blogs from Chase and Ricardus. Pretty much my girl just never seems to be in the mood. I've narrowed it down to :
1. I'm too available
2. I need to be more sexual
3. Can't get discouraged when she says no (wait couple min then try again)

Feel free too ask anymore questions.
Has this happened to anyone else and do you guys have any advice?

 

[Just_Dave]

Hey Ohyea,

I'm in a committed relationship too, I would definitely communicate with her that your sex life is suffering. She won't know there's a problem unless you bring it to her attention. A relationship without sex is really just a friendship in my eyes. Try holding her close and taking a new interest in her. Remind her of all the sexy things she use to do for you. Start making yourself appear more attractive to her. Find out what are her turns on now.

Even if the sex is passionless when you do it, just get really into it next time you do it. Make her go crazy in the bed, go down on her, spank her, and completely dominate her in the sack. Let her know that you're still her lover, not some roommate. Take more charge in the sexual aspect of the relationship. (not sure if you guys are living together). Your girlfriend has a monopoly on your sex life, you need get her more invested in you.

I would like to know who's more invested in this relationship? Is it you or her? You survived the two year drop, but remember girls always have options. You my friend aren't so fortunate.

Dave

 

[ohyea12]

Hey Dave thanks for the reply. We don't live together but are together a lot. I would say that I'm more invested, I have been trying to change that though. The hard part is getting to the point where we do have sex. Every time I make a move ahead always says she's too tired and not in the mood. You are right though that I need to make her more sexually attracted to me. We cuddle and I hold her a lot its just the sex. We have talked about how we feel like just really good friends in the past so what would you suggest? I believe I have to not be there for her all the time like I have been bc she may feel too secure .. but I also know I need to show her love but idk.

 

[Just_Dave]

Hey Dave thanks for the reply. We don't live together but are together a lot. I would say that I'm more invested, I have been trying to change that though. The hard part is getting to the point where we do have sex. Every time I make a move ahead always says she's too tired and not in the mood. You are right though that I need to make her more sexually attracted to me. We cuddle and I hold her a lot its just the sex. We have talked about how we feel like just really good friends in the past so what would you suggest? I believe I have to not be there for her all the time like I have been bc she may feel too secure .. but I also know I need to show her love but idk.

I would gradually pull back and explore your own interests and when she asks tell her you trying to develop yourself more as a person. Also, you could say I'm really get into XYZ. This gives her opportunities to miss you. Guys are more accepting of simpleness in relationships but woman love change. She will also be intrigued by how and what ways in particular you are changing. You could also build a deeper emotional bond with her. You don't want to fall off the radar. You're just trying to get her not to take you for granted.

I would also suggest don't spend too much time doing things that aren't sexual. Such as shopping trips, fancy dinners, movies, hanging with friends and parents. You can also set the mood with either music, room lighting, candles, and framing. Make her feel fun because girlfriends have sexual needs too. I know it may not always feel like it or seem like it. These are just a few tips. Please keep me updated on the situation as well!

 

[ohyea12]

Hey I like it and I'll try it...I like what you said about not doing things that aren't sexual bc that's basically all we have been doing.. one last thing, my gf always wants to text like all day long. Lately I've been saying I've been busy a lot but she still will text me through out the day. What would you say to this ?

 

[Just_Dave]

Hey I like it and I'll try it...I like what you said about not doing things that aren't sexual bc that's basically all we have been doing.. one last thing, my gf always wants to text like all day long. Lately I've been saying I've been busy a lot but she still will text me through out the day. What would you say to this ?

If you're at work or gym for instance just tell her its not a good time to talk and you'll hit her up when you're free. This way you wont be blowing her off. Definitely be warm and receptive, don't be cold or ignore. She'll soon realize you still love her but have your own life.

 

[MonsieurLabrie]

Hey ohyeah12.

If she had regular orgasms in the past and you give her enough in terms of going down on her and being dominant in bed, it shouldn't be a bedroom performance issue. If you think it might be a bedroom problem, you should try to address that.

However, if the sex was good and it is just an attraction issue, I suggest the following: Break up with her preemptively.

This will accomplish a few things:
1-Show her how much she needs to take your sexual needs seriously
2-Screen her out if she doesn't really love sex and uses it as a manipulation tool (you don't want to be with a woman like that)
3-Allow you to know for sure where she stands towards you
4-Jolt attraction back into her

Believe me, there is nothing hotter than sex after you leave her and she begs you to take her back. If she doesn't, you had lost her anyway and you just saved yourself some time, plus you allowed yourself to appear higher value than her to everybody else who learns about it.

On what conditions do you take her back? ---> Only if she cries. Tears are proof that she cares about you and still has feelings and attraction towards you.

But its evil to make a woman cry...

Actually its not. Its evil to keep a man in a relationship while withholding sex to him. It's evil for a woman to waste a man's time by waiting for a better suitor to snatch her from her boyfriend. She could be cheating on you right now, for all you know.

Being in a relationship with a woman who's not satisfying your sexual desires is totally unacceptable.

But what if curses at me and stops talking to me?

It was already over. She was in a mental space where she thought she had more value than you and deserved better. There was nothing better for you to do to turn this around than breaking up preemptively, therefore short-circuiting this train of thought in her mind. If you let her dump you, nothing will turn around this perception of you except flaunting a hotter girl in her face later.

The willingness to walk away is the only thing that can cure this, trust me. Being 100% willing to walk away from a girl is the true reason why they get wet. Nothing's more powerful than that. Once they know you're that kind of guy, they can't get enough of you.

Hope you have the balls to apply it.
ML

P.S.
I strongly disagree with Just_Dave on withdrawing yourself. I think his advice will only make you grow apart, which will encourage her to break up with you first. Nonsexual stuff is also important too in a relationship.

 

[TylerDurden]

I had more or less the same problem, and the only time the sex was good, was when we were almost breaking up, as in after-fight sex.
She probably takes you for granted and you need to be more of a bad boy.
You were too attainable and too common.
I still don't know how to lower attainability, just saying her "I don't want to be with you unless you put effort" doesn't work. Pre-emptive break up might work, but I don't think having to break up every year just to get an acceptable sex life is a good thing. About this, after a 2 month break up with my couple, the attraction felt both ways was huge, but it evaporated quickly.
I think we would both benefit on some information on how to play hard to get properly and effectively.

 

[Just_Dave]

P.S.
I strongly disagree with Just_Dave on withdrawing yourself. I think his advice will only make you grow apart, which will encourage her to break up with you first. Nonsexual stuff is also important too in a relationship.

All good man, whatever helps OhYea's problem and avoids screwing his relationship I view that as the most important thing here.

 

[Just_Dave]

P.S.
I strongly disagree with Just_Dave on withdrawing yourself. I think his advice will only make you grow apart, which will encourage her to break up with you first. Nonsexual stuff is also important too in a relationship.

All good man, whatever helps OhYea's problem and avoids screwing his relationship I view that as the most important thing here.

*On a side note
Balance is essential making her feel special is essential!
OhYea states doing non sexual things is all they do, if that's case breaking up her and getting back together and doing the same song and dance is more destructive if anything else. M. Labre it's all about the quality of time spent together not quantity. If someone plays guitar for 3 years doesn't mean they're decent at it, unless they spent time doing shows, learning, progressing, changing style, and other things. OhYea's girl has taken him granted because of his complacency! If anything why would you want to get back together with someone like that? I'm completely lost on your points.
*We do agree on some things but for different reasons and motives.
-You want to destroy and rebuild
*He stays the same and possibly gets back to his girlfriend with sex
*You say relationships need sexual stuff too, but you're making it a point that sex can keep his relationship together. It can't sir at least not by that route. Balance is needed because if the sex blows now and emotions are fleeting. Why would she stay?

-Done correctly not only can my route we preserve his relationship but he can grow as a person

*More interestingly I actually took initiative at the start of the post to encourage him to engage in handling the problem head on "communicating". It let's her know that she needs to take his sexual life more seriously.

In my equation he's not withdrawing completely, he's merely taking time to redevelop himself and become more sexier with his fundamentals. If a break up were to occur his girlfriend doesn't and shouldn't control his happiness. He must make that decision on his own!

P.S. @ M. Labre The feeling is mutual I suppose

Another time then,

Just Dave

 

[ohyea12]

Hey so my girl left for vacation with her family the day after my original post so its been tough obviously to talk to her about our problem (id rather in person). I'm going to find an interest and focus on it (thinking maybe snowboarding or learning to play instrument). She gets back Sunday, so I'm curious at how to effectively framing. Could you give me some tips and maybe examples too. I've read Chase's articles on it so I have a jist on how to do but more tips/examples could never hurt...Thanks!

 

[Just_Dave]

Hey Ohyea,

Invite her over for an evening with you. Make the atmosphere light and relaxing for the both of you. Get her talking about her trip and things that are new. Make a move strong and sexy, and if she resists bring up the issues. "I've noticed you been pulling back from my touch." (Call out the problem)

Next you want to provide a necessary solution, you want to be warm when saying this. She may give an half baked reason like tired, or not in the mood. You need to make your sexual needs a serious issue like M. Labre pointed out. Bring her in closer to you, hold her close, if she pulls back, then go with M. Labre's approach the preemptively breaking up.

If she pulls back,
"I need reevaluate this relationship, we're lacking the passion we once had for each other. I need a women who's intimate with her man."

If she wants to leave let her leave, and if she wants to stay and work on passion then do that. The point you're making is your unhappy and you're not afraid to leave. After she the break up immediately go out and pursue other women. You want to leave her with the feeling she's missing out. Remember emotions are fleeting you must be strong and clear headed after the break up. If you're currently pursuing your instrument or snowboarding meet people in those avenues.

Just Dave

 

[Chase]

Ever travel without her?

Every time I've had a girlfriend and returned from a trip of 10+ days, the sex has been fantastic. Even if it was flagging before that or we weren't doing it as often - BAM! It's right back like we just got together again.

Typically, 2+ weeks is best here. Also, anecdotally, I've noticed that when she's expecting you back a certain time, and you miss your flight or extend your stay, this also seems to increase the passion and excitement when you return. The build up of her circling a date when she gets to see you again, then the let down, then the anticipation and hope of seeing you again sooner builds up to a crescendo.

Chase

 

[ProblemSolving]

Hey I like it and I'll try it...I like what you said about not doing things that aren't sexual bc that's basically all we have been doing.. one last thing, my gf always wants to text like all day long. Lately I've been saying I've been busy a lot but she still will text me through out the day. What would you say to this ?

Hey Buddy!

This is your problem right here- TOO MUCH TEXTING! It completely nukes her attraction for you. When she can get a hold of you any chance she gets, she doesn't have to worry about a new rival sneaking in to replacing her. Just like when you were dating her, texting should only be used to for setting up a meet, anything else will chip away at her attraction for you.

My girlfriend and pretty much every woman loves texting, FB, etc. They love it because they can constantly be in other people's business, however, it has a side effect of killing any mystery in your relationship. You will have a lot more drama and a lot less power in your relationship if you keep it up. My advice would be to continue being warm to her, but DO NOT get roped into conversations that are not about you two getting together. She won't like it, but it could save your relationship.

 

[ohyea12]

Thanks for all the feedback guys...So here's an update. When she came home from vacation everything stayed bad (had fun together but no intamacy). Today, I told her that what were doing isn't working and that we both should just break up and move on. Right after this she said that we need to have sex more and hopefully that will make things go back to normal. After a little resistance, I said OK (who wouldn't to an offer like that hah). So that's where I'm at now. We agreed to have sex when we see each other next and be passionate even if it feels forced at first.

What do you guys think? Did I do the right thing? Any advice for the future?

 

[MonsieurLabrie]

This is your problem right here- TOO MUCH TEXTING! It completely nukes her attraction for you. When she can get a hold of you any chance she gets, she doesn't have to worry about a new rival sneaking in to replacing her. Just like when you were dating her, texting should only be used to for setting up a meet, anything else will chip away at her attraction for you.

My girlfriend and pretty much every woman loves texting, FB, etc. They love it because they can constantly be in other people's business, however, it has a side effect of killing any mystery in your relationship. You will have a lot more drama and a lot less power in your relationship if you keep it up. My advice would be to continue being warm to her, but DO NOT get roped into conversations that are not about you two getting together. She won't like it, but it could save your relationship.

I communicate with my girlfriend through text, skype and facebook all the time and we have an amazing sex life and she's totally attracted to me still. It's not about the texting and being distant. Those things only matter before the first sex. Maintaining attraction in a relationship is more complex than these simple games. It's about holding a strong frame and applying reward/punishment appropriately.

Thanks for all the feedback guys...So here's an update. When she came home from vacation everything stayed bad (had fun together but no intamacy). Today, I told her that what were doing isn't working and that we both should just break up and move on. Right after this she said that we need to have sex more and hopefully that will make things go back to normal. After a little resistance, I said OK (who wouldn't to an offer like that hah). So that's where I'm at now. We agreed to have sex when we see each other next and be passionate even if it feels forced at first.

What do you guys think? Did I do the right thing? Any advice for the future?

So you didn't have sex right there and then huh? Bad sign. Did she even react emotionally at all? (Upset, crying?)

Well, see if she puts in any effort at all to arouse you. If she doesn't and you're not satisfied, I think you should say something like "Well, I enjoy what we have, but I need to fulfill my sexual needs as well, and if you can't do it, I'll need to find someone else who can."

This will show her that you're not bluffing.

 

[girlsfollow]

So you didn't have sex right there and then huh? Bad sign. Did she even react emotionally at all? (Upset, crying?)

Well, see if she puts in any effort at all to arouse you. If she doesn't and you're not satisfied, I think you should say something like "Well, I enjoy what we have, but I need to fulfill my sexual needs as well, and if you can't do it, I'll need to find someone else who can."

This will show her that you're not bluffing.

You seem to have missed out the important point of WHY you were breaking up - she needs to know what she can fix! Just make it clear that sex is important.
I agree that you REALLY should have had sex right then and there.

BUT - I think what she said is a great step in the right direction - I really wouldn't go threatening breaking up again - this sounds FAR too aggressive, you dont want to be threatening her all the time like that - give her a chance and just be passionate and have some sex - try and make it a longer session by maybe stopping yourself from finishing so you can go again quickly. Then afterwards reward her by telling her you 'd like to do smething different with her - maybe plan a weekend trip away - this will teach ehr that sex=something fun and different (you want to make sure this doesnt come across consciously though)

RE what chase said - obviously it would be good to wait until things are a little more steady for this but I have had the same experience he had recently and in the past - something about you being totally away and unavailable for a short period (it even works for short periods I found - I was only away 4-5 days and it worked wonders with my ex - amazing sex). Obviously if things are really steady then 2weeks is probably the optimum - its also the amount of time I find the need for sex peaks after last having sex (also don't forget about menstrual cycle here - day 10-16 are good times)