- Joined
- Jun 6, 2014
- Messages
- 65
BACKGROUND
I used to be a member of this forum back in 2014. During those times I had a crush towards a woman. She seemed to be initially interested of me - ioi's, approach invitations.. Back then I was quite inexperienced (a thing which I still am when it comes to sex and dating, but I could say I have more confidence and see myself of higher value than back then) and had anxieties when it came to women of interest. I had also approach anxiety. She used to have a guy around her a lot when going out. I thought they were having a fling (turned out later he was just an orbiter). I saw myself as lower value than this guy, so I thought I didn't stand a chance. In retrospect, I could've pushed things forward with this woman, but I didn't because of my anxieties. As a result I radiated low attainability towards her. I didn't act on her signals, didn't try to engage things. Somewhere down the line she probably had enough and started auto-rejecting. I noticed a change in her behaviour and tried to change mine as a result. I turned into the nice guy, turning from too low of an attainability into too high. It was like a bad rollercoaster ride, I rarely noticed other women who could've been interested of me during these times. By this point I had latched onto her small crumbles of signals like a kid craving for candy. They were few and far between and it's obvious she had already moved on. Somewhere down the line I went through a burn out, got myself through it without doctoral help and climbed up from the pit.
A few months ago I too had enough. I decided it's time to move on. As a result from having survived the burn out and having moved on from this person, I felt like I had an increased amount of energy. I decided it's time to go out and have some fresh air.
I decided to go to a student bar evening. I knew some of my acquaintances were going there, and also a girl whom had been interested of me a few years ago (let's call her Liz). We had only met for one evening and she had moved out of town afterwards. Nothing had really happened between me and her (some bantering at best), I had simply noticed she's interested. She was in a relationship back then and lived now together with the guy.
THE EVENT
I arrived to the venue (it was filled with people, really crowded) and a female friend of mine, let's call her Fiona, was beckoning me to come over to her table. I sat down with her. This person was probably interested of me sometime in the past. Nothing really came out of it and she's now in a relationship.
Fiona: "Improvementalist! Sandra (yet another female pal of mine, looks like Uma Thurman at Pulp Fiction. She's a great personality) had just been wondering today why you're not seen at events lately. Great to see you here."
Me: Well, if people are missing me I guess I need to start showing up in those more often.
(the reason I hadn't attented events in a long time was because of the burn out. No one really knew about it, it's not like I go around telling people.)
We chatted for some more and she started eventually talking with another person. At this point I noticed two girls a few meters away. The other one was encouraging the other to go forward. I didn't hear what they're saying but I could read their nonverbals.
"Go ahead! You can do it!"
"I can't! What do I say to him?"
"Just, GO!"
She starting pushing her towards the table where I was sitting. I was intrigued. She came and sat down next to me... Only to start talking to the guy left of her, literally turning her back to me. It felt like a total rejection and the feelings associated to the burn out started crawling their way in. I noticed these emotions and decided they're not the ones I will need or want right now. I excused myself to Fiona and rose up from my chair, moving to a different location at the venue.
I met some more acquaintances. People were starting to get drunk. I in turn was glad I had toned down my drinking. Some of my study colleagues had gathered as a single group. At this point I noticed Liz.
She was the girl who had moved out of town. I joined the group and the standing place next to Liz was empty. We exchanged some words. It turned out she had now moved back in town to study some more. The last time I checked she was still with the guy, so it was not like she was suddenly single or anything.
The group moved upstairs and me and Liz got separated to the opposite ends of the group. I didn't mind about it and watched some colleagues play drinking games. I realized I was having fun, but not really much was happening. It was late night and I started to think I might as well head home while I was having a good vibe.
I started to head away from the group when I stumbled upon a male acquaintance of mine. He offered me a drink which I gladly accepted. At this point, Liz basically intervened with a friend of hers (the friend of Liz had once tried to hook up with me. I had rejected her offer). Liz hardly knew the acquaintance of mine but she joined our company, exchanged a few words with my pal and then turned facing me. I offered her a sip from the beer I had just acquired. She gladly accepted. Her friend said to her, "Liz, you can have mine too. I don't like this stuff."
Liz: "Sorry, I don't really like beer." (lol
)
Soon after that she started showing some heavy signals. Hair flicking, occasionally exposing the neck. I noticed I had started sweating. I said to her,
"Am I imagining things or is it really hot in here?"
She started to talk about a topic, I couldn't undestand a word she said. I was intoxicated by her but she was in a relationship so I felt like my hands were tied. And there she was, flirting with me. I could've easily pushed things forward with her if I would've been immoral enoughto do so.
I was both anxious and intoxicated at the same time, feeling like there was nothing I could do, so I just stood still, saying something like, "Uh huh."
As you can imagine, this couldn't continue on forever. The two probably noticed that I've turned weird, blushing and sweating and being so silent. I wasn't the confident self I usually am. The friend of Liz commented that we should go and see how the drinking game's going on. I agreed and we returned to our original standing places at the opposite end of the group. A few minutes and I noticed I had returned normal, not sweating anymore. A few minutes more and I noticed that Liz had left the bar and her friend was grumpy. Had Z become mad to her friend of having broken the moment, or was the friend of Liz grumpy because I had given Liz a cold shoulder with my passivity which had resulted in her leaving the bar?
The bar was beginning to close and I wanted to know what had happened to Liz. I was regretting I had frozen back then but I didn't want Z to be hurt about it.
Me: "You know where Liz is?"
The friend: "Who?"
Me: "Liz."
The friend: Oh, HER! I dunno.
Me: "Well if you stumble upon her, say that I wish her a good night. I'm going home."
The friend: "Okay. I will."
I returned home, feeling energized but weird.
Liz joined my company again at another event a few days later, but at that point another girl had already hooked up with me (a girl whom I felt was also chasing me. She just couldn't get enough of my company), a girl who weirdly happened to also be in a relationship.
Liz didn't stay for long.
Why do I radiate taken girls towards me? It's a question I'd like to get an answer to.
Lesson: If you do not engage taken girls and have to reject them, reject them properly. Froze and become paralyzed and they may think you find them unwanted, unattractive. Surely you don't want this to a girl you like, even if to you she's unavailable. Instead, you could say something like "You're attractive but you're also in a relationship. And I'm not the one to break the code. or "You're attractive but in a relationship. If you're single one day, give me a call."
I used to be a member of this forum back in 2014. During those times I had a crush towards a woman. She seemed to be initially interested of me - ioi's, approach invitations.. Back then I was quite inexperienced (a thing which I still am when it comes to sex and dating, but I could say I have more confidence and see myself of higher value than back then) and had anxieties when it came to women of interest. I had also approach anxiety. She used to have a guy around her a lot when going out. I thought they were having a fling (turned out later he was just an orbiter). I saw myself as lower value than this guy, so I thought I didn't stand a chance. In retrospect, I could've pushed things forward with this woman, but I didn't because of my anxieties. As a result I radiated low attainability towards her. I didn't act on her signals, didn't try to engage things. Somewhere down the line she probably had enough and started auto-rejecting. I noticed a change in her behaviour and tried to change mine as a result. I turned into the nice guy, turning from too low of an attainability into too high. It was like a bad rollercoaster ride, I rarely noticed other women who could've been interested of me during these times. By this point I had latched onto her small crumbles of signals like a kid craving for candy. They were few and far between and it's obvious she had already moved on. Somewhere down the line I went through a burn out, got myself through it without doctoral help and climbed up from the pit.
A few months ago I too had enough. I decided it's time to move on. As a result from having survived the burn out and having moved on from this person, I felt like I had an increased amount of energy. I decided it's time to go out and have some fresh air.
I decided to go to a student bar evening. I knew some of my acquaintances were going there, and also a girl whom had been interested of me a few years ago (let's call her Liz). We had only met for one evening and she had moved out of town afterwards. Nothing had really happened between me and her (some bantering at best), I had simply noticed she's interested. She was in a relationship back then and lived now together with the guy.
THE EVENT
I arrived to the venue (it was filled with people, really crowded) and a female friend of mine, let's call her Fiona, was beckoning me to come over to her table. I sat down with her. This person was probably interested of me sometime in the past. Nothing really came out of it and she's now in a relationship.
Fiona: "Improvementalist! Sandra (yet another female pal of mine, looks like Uma Thurman at Pulp Fiction. She's a great personality) had just been wondering today why you're not seen at events lately. Great to see you here."
Me: Well, if people are missing me I guess I need to start showing up in those more often.
(the reason I hadn't attented events in a long time was because of the burn out. No one really knew about it, it's not like I go around telling people.)
We chatted for some more and she started eventually talking with another person. At this point I noticed two girls a few meters away. The other one was encouraging the other to go forward. I didn't hear what they're saying but I could read their nonverbals.
"Go ahead! You can do it!"
"I can't! What do I say to him?"
"Just, GO!"
She starting pushing her towards the table where I was sitting. I was intrigued. She came and sat down next to me... Only to start talking to the guy left of her, literally turning her back to me. It felt like a total rejection and the feelings associated to the burn out started crawling their way in. I noticed these emotions and decided they're not the ones I will need or want right now. I excused myself to Fiona and rose up from my chair, moving to a different location at the venue.
I met some more acquaintances. People were starting to get drunk. I in turn was glad I had toned down my drinking. Some of my study colleagues had gathered as a single group. At this point I noticed Liz.
She was the girl who had moved out of town. I joined the group and the standing place next to Liz was empty. We exchanged some words. It turned out she had now moved back in town to study some more. The last time I checked she was still with the guy, so it was not like she was suddenly single or anything.
The group moved upstairs and me and Liz got separated to the opposite ends of the group. I didn't mind about it and watched some colleagues play drinking games. I realized I was having fun, but not really much was happening. It was late night and I started to think I might as well head home while I was having a good vibe.
I started to head away from the group when I stumbled upon a male acquaintance of mine. He offered me a drink which I gladly accepted. At this point, Liz basically intervened with a friend of hers (the friend of Liz had once tried to hook up with me. I had rejected her offer). Liz hardly knew the acquaintance of mine but she joined our company, exchanged a few words with my pal and then turned facing me. I offered her a sip from the beer I had just acquired. She gladly accepted. Her friend said to her, "Liz, you can have mine too. I don't like this stuff."
Liz: "Sorry, I don't really like beer." (lol
)Soon after that she started showing some heavy signals. Hair flicking, occasionally exposing the neck. I noticed I had started sweating. I said to her,
"Am I imagining things or is it really hot in here?"
She started to talk about a topic, I couldn't undestand a word she said. I was intoxicated by her but she was in a relationship so I felt like my hands were tied. And there she was, flirting with me. I could've easily pushed things forward with her if I would've been immoral enoughto do so.
I was both anxious and intoxicated at the same time, feeling like there was nothing I could do, so I just stood still, saying something like, "Uh huh."
As you can imagine, this couldn't continue on forever. The two probably noticed that I've turned weird, blushing and sweating and being so silent. I wasn't the confident self I usually am. The friend of Liz commented that we should go and see how the drinking game's going on. I agreed and we returned to our original standing places at the opposite end of the group. A few minutes and I noticed I had returned normal, not sweating anymore. A few minutes more and I noticed that Liz had left the bar and her friend was grumpy. Had Z become mad to her friend of having broken the moment, or was the friend of Liz grumpy because I had given Liz a cold shoulder with my passivity which had resulted in her leaving the bar?
The bar was beginning to close and I wanted to know what had happened to Liz. I was regretting I had frozen back then but I didn't want Z to be hurt about it.
Me: "You know where Liz is?"
The friend: "Who?"
Me: "Liz."
The friend: Oh, HER! I dunno.
Me: "Well if you stumble upon her, say that I wish her a good night. I'm going home."
The friend: "Okay. I will."
I returned home, feeling energized but weird.
Liz joined my company again at another event a few days later, but at that point another girl had already hooked up with me (a girl whom I felt was also chasing me. She just couldn't get enough of my company), a girl who weirdly happened to also be in a relationship.
Liz didn't stay for long.
Why do I radiate taken girls towards me? It's a question I'd like to get an answer to.
Lesson: If you do not engage taken girls and have to reject them, reject them properly. Froze and become paralyzed and they may think you find them unwanted, unattractive. Surely you don't want this to a girl you like, even if to you she's unavailable. Instead, you could say something like "You're attractive but you're also in a relationship. And I'm not the one to break the code. or "You're attractive but in a relationship. If you're single one day, give me a call."
