A common quandary, but yet I require advice

[elevate]

Long time reader, first-time poster. Appreciate your help in advance. I'm afraid I may be emotionally compromised from infatuation and could really use some objective perspective.

This girl who I really really like (beautiful, intelligent, sane) and myself have been acquaintances for about a year. There has always been a bit of tension, but because of circumstances nothing ever moved forward. I have a ton of social validation already in play (she was roommates with a female friend of mine who spoke highly of me). Recently we've begun hanging out alone. We hung out twice doing innocuous activities (museum and barbeque) - and during those hang outs I consciously tried to deep dive, build rapport, openly talk about sex, create inside jokes, and show I understand and listen to her. Unfortunately I did fail a bit at physical escalation, mainly due to nerves. Barring that huge misstep though, I think I did quite well.

Prior to our third hang out, I consciously told myself I must physically escalate or risk missing the window and entering perma-friend zone. So I did. We had a fantastic time hanging out at my apartment. We had deep conversations, laughed, danced with each other, and ended up sitting on my bed watching videos. While sitting, she snuggled up to me, and moments before I was going to go in for the kiss, she took the initiative, turned towards me, and initiated it herself. Unfortunately she had plans with her girlfriends (the plans were confirmed as legit) so she was only on my bed for about fifteen minutes, after which we went to the living room, briefly embraced / kissed again, and she left.

Fast forward to next evening. Zero communication since the last embrace. I text her with a playful reference to something we had talked about the day before. 36 hours henceforth, still no reply. I've had nervous energy all day and am starting to freak out. Before I take some action I may regret, I'd like to hear your guys' advice. I really like this one and think she's close to my ideal for relationship-ing.

Additional background - she has zero straight guy friends (her only guy friends are homosexual or grandfatherly). She is very much into girls nights and girl talk, etc. She's only had one serious relationship, ending over two years ago. She has recently been hooking up with another guy, but in conversation has disparaged the guy and has plainly said she is single. She's 24, I'm 27.

 

[Drck]

Patience is your best friend, and at the same time your worst enemy...

It is your best friend because it will make you appear that you are not chasing, not over-reacting, that you have choices with other girls... That you keep it cool, that you are emotionally slightly distanced. That you are not needy and clingy. All That is very good, she will wonder why you are not chasing her, and if she likes you she will definitely contact you back to find out why...

And it is your worst enemy because you are thinking every minute what you have to do to make her respond, to make her like you more, to come back to your place and continue where you stopped, and so on... You think that you will write or say something clever and that will make her respond. You think that you have to do something to "fix" it, and you can't stand doing nothing. That is all bad...

Anyway, my advice is that you have to play sort of a game at this point, you have to shift your cards around. She knows exactly what you are thinking, she knows that you are very anxious and waiting for any of her response. She knows you are into her, that you have feelings for her, especially if you already texted her. She knows that if she texts you back she will get texts from you pretty much immediately. And if you do, the chances are high that she will dump you because she will find you too much emotionally involved...

At this time she is most likely thinking and imagining relationship with you. Assuming that she likes you, she is most likely quite excited, nervous, anxious... So if you add too much anxiety and too many emotions to it, if you show that you can't control your own emotions, chances are that you will make her go to auto-rejection. That's why it is better to keep it cool, low energy, slight distance...

So if I were you I would shift myself slightly to more dominant position: You don't chase her, you don't text her, you don't react, you are simply doing nothing - just wait, let her come back, keep it cool.... How long? Very long. Maybe one more day, maybe three more days. Maybe five, or maybe nine. Personally I wouldn't contact her second time sooner than at least 5 days...

Ideally she will text you sooner than that, if that's the case I would wait couple hours before texting back. If she calls, pick up. If she is really in to you, I would say that she will respond within 3 days, and she will want to see you again...

Whatever you do, don't over-react, don't over-flood her with messages and excitement. Keep it rather short - aim for date, you want to see her again, talk to her face to face...

Ideally she will come to see you, if so that is very good, in her mind she is already expecting more. So you have to do more. Say last time you vent from 0 to 100. So this time wait till you have good time and then you start from 30-40, and make sure that you'll go at least to 150. You want to be more physical (till now you were rather passive). Ideally you will of course sleep with her, if that's possible, but as long as you go over where you ended up last time you should be fine. Said differently, you simply have to move things forward otherwise she will dump you...

Don't do things much differently from last time. If you were slow before, don't try to be too fast next time, just keep it steady, keep pushing forward... If she'll go for a date, you have to go there with your mind made up - you simply have to push things forward physically, there is no other way...

Also, let her invest (like before when she was initiating). Don't try to do everything, make sure that she is contributing...

Good luck

 

[elevate]

Thank you so much, Drck. Truly appreciate your insight.

 

[ray_zorse]

I haven't read Drck's response in detail but my take on this is failed escalation, window closed... a few issues are at play here.

1. The fact she had a good excuse to leave is of no relevance, it means you should have escalated earlier, or checked logistics better before setting up the meet, or just made her late for her friend (a finger on her clit can have this effect -- have u ever been late to work due to a quickie beforehand? very hard to stop when you're nearly there). Anyway, to her subconscious attraction system it doesn't mater... closed the deal -> approved for mating, did not close -> I was never that attracted to him anyway (she will rewrite the past to suit her emotions at the present moment).

2. If you make out with her it ruins the tension, she knows she "has" you -- so where's the challenge in coming back when she knows sex will happen? Boring, there are no doubt lots more challenging guys texting her right now.

3. Not responding to your text in 36hrs is a NEXTable offence in my book. At least she had better get back to me, on her own initiative, with a damn good excuse! I have a few like this in my phone, debating sending another text but nah.

4. You are describing her as gf-quality when you haven't laid her yet -- SCARCITY, go approach some different women!

5. Disparaging a guy she's hooking up with -> either manipulating you, or just plain disrespectful. Indiscreet and very bad form. She'll do it to you after hooking up with you!

Ray

 

[elevate]

Thank you, Ray. Very good points.

Normally I escalate well. In this case I failed to do so. My frame was definitely weaker than usual. I'm used to having a fresh slate free from infatuation. Genuine infatuation is damning when it comes to execution. I'd legitimately forgotten what it feels like. Article topic?

Good call on the disparagement - I def overlooked that as a flag.