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- Jun 16, 2013
- Messages
- 1,897
Ahhh the dreaded dry spell.
When was the last time you got your wittle willy wet?
If you can't come up with a quick answer chances are it's been longer than you would prefer.
Today I'm going to dissect what you need to know in order to get you back in the sack ASAP! Or if you're already a player and see something I missed then perhaps add that as well.
First my definition of a dry spell (which some may argue with but for the purpose of this discussion the definition will stand)
Dry Spell: Going a period of time longer than you are typically accustomed to with out getting laid.
Meaning that if you lay a new girl once a week then anything over 7 days would be a dry spell. Whereas if you get laid once a year anything over 365 days would be considered a dry spell.
It can be pretty damn frustrating to go out 4-6 days a week to improve your skillset with women and continually get no results (seemingly). If you've built your identity around being a pimp with women (even though to be honest I'm far from it) you start to feel lame when you continually leave the club or dates empty handed.
That there, from what I've seen and experienced is the real reason dry spells suck. You see, the biggest issue with a dryspell isn't the lack of sex but the missing validation you were previously used to receiving. When you are continually taking new girls home and successfully seducing women you get the validation from "conquering" all these women. They tell you how awesome, sexy, and different you are. You feel like a boss overcoming all the bullshit associated with picking women up and handling logistics and tell yourself how awesome you are.
Then seemingly out of no where the flip switches and all the feel good validation (and sexual gratification) gets turned off and you're left there standing with your dick in your hand.
Mindset to Overcoming Dry Spells: Become a Stoic...
First two quotes to get into the right headspace to get past your dryspell.
Epictetus, a greek stoic philosopher, stated:
"Freedom is secured not by the fulfilling of men's desires, but by the removal of desire" and "Permit nothing to cleave to you that is not your own; nothing to grow to you that may give you agony when it is torn away"
Epictetus is saying that when you feel that NEED for your desire (in our case need for sexual and ego gratification) you enslave yourself to your own desires.
When you don't have what you overly desire you become anxious and restless. A state of mind that people that are "free" don't exist in. Also a state of mind that isn't particularly attractive to women.
He says by removing your desire you become free.
The story I tell myself when I go through a dryspell is that "I have become too dependent on the outcome that I seek (getting sex on a consistent basis) and need to relinquish my tendency to draw my happiness externally rather than internally."
I view a dryspell as an opportunity to become free from outcome. An opportunity to lose my ego. An opportunity to toughen up and become more emotionally self reliant
Just like the ebb and flow of nature, dry spells are the ebb and flow of your journey into of becoming a seducer. It is the strengthening of a root system to support a tree growing in height.
You can't have a "moist spell" [get it
] without a dry spell. Thus it is necessary in your journey of becoming a seducer and a man. Embrace it as such.
6 practical tips to get you back in the sack
*These first 3 tips will help you practically cultivate the aforementioned mindset. They will keep you from getting down on yourself and depleting your self esteem as some guys I know have issues with.
1. Stop comparing yourself to others- This is a weak trait to have in general, however it is one that is easy to fall into. We tend to feel like we are less when we compare ourselves to others that are doing better than us. However in all reality it's a waste of time and mental energy that you could spend on improving yourself.
Fact is you can never win the "comparison game". There will always be some guy fucking a hotter girl than you, with a higher lay count, and with more women chasing him at any given point in time that if you are going to derive your worth as a man by "having the most", you are guaranteed to die feeling worthless.
Instead compare yourself to your past self and as to if you have progressed in your journey. When you look back on the overall progress you've made since you began your journey as well as the progress you've made in the past 6 months are you satisfied?
In general are you performing better than you were 6 months ago?
For example even though I was on a dry spell, in general the amount of girls that I was meeting up with for dates, kissing, and getting immediate attraction from was much higher than it was 6 months ago despite not actually getting laid. Thus I allowed myself to feel content and happy.
This bring me to my next point...
2. Celebrate the small successes- Do you remember how you first cold approached a girl for the first time? First phone number? First time bringing a girl home?
If you are anything like me you were probably extremely enthusiastic, proud, and excited upon reaching these milestones. However when you get a couple lays under your belt your expectations increase and you don't even celebrate the little milestones as much.
What I do, and recommend, is that you start getting excited again about the little successes that kept you motivated originally.
So when I get a girls phone number I'm thinking "wow awesome I got a phone number! I freaking rock, no other guy can approach like that and get a phone number. Must be because she can tell my cock is so large!"
However this is only half the equation as you'll still find a bit of frustration when you get really close to making things happen with a girl and end up without her in the end.
This leads me to...
3. Change your criteria for success- So many guys have their criteria for success (and allowing themselves to feel good about themselves) focused on external results (did I get laid or not?) when in reality they have it all wrong.
You can never be fully in control of external results and thus it is entirely preposterous to allow yourself to feel bad or good based on something so out of your control.
You can have a girl fully attracted and ready to go home with you only to have her friend think you're a bad match and make your girl leave you to not look like a whore.
You can approach a girl who would typically be excited to meet you but because her pet canary just died she tells you fuck off.
Instead your criteria for success is "did I take action in a way that I admire? Or did I make excuses and not act in the manner I deem appropriate?" This could also be worded as, "did you control your actions or did you let fear dictate your actions?"
So...
Did you or didn't you approach the girl giving you eyes and looking down submissively when she walked past?
Did you or didn't you move/kiss her when the escalation window opened?
Did you or didn't you invite her home?
Did you or didn't you persist when she gave you last minute resistance in bed and said "sorry I really can't be doing this I juuusssstt met you" with wide and lustful eyes?
If you DID than you are successful and that is the result you were seeking in and of itself.
If you DID NOT than you suck and should beat yourself up and vow to hold yourself to a higher standard come next time. (that's what I do)
*The rest of these tips are more "outer" game concepts, if you will, that will help you blast past your dry spell.
4. Get a Life!- I'd say this is probably the most important out of all of these tips. Yes if you want to get good with women you should be actively going out to meeting LOTS of women, as it's the only way to get good fast.
However you also want to live an interesting life (or I hope you do) and should have an array of other stuff you like to do aside from pickup that you're passionate about and look forward to doing.
Having passions outside of pickup does a couple things for you. For one it helps take away outcome dependence (common theme here huh?) because it gives you something else to look forward too in life.
Also having different passions that you genuinely enjoy will produce a greater depth of character in you. This actually helps a lot with seduction because you will actually have something to talk about other than your boring job and the newest seduction technique you read about. If you're genuinely passionate about your "life activities", lets call them, she'll feel that off of you and become enamored by your apparent zeal that you have for life.
This is pretty easy to do. For me this includes things such as reading (stuff other than pickup material), surfing (my main passion before I got into learning success with women), hanging with friends that I enjoy being around, working for a cause higher than myself (been working with a local charity to raise money), go hiking/camping in the woods, writing and giving speeches at Toast Masters, and trying out a new activity I don't typically partake in.
I promise if you take a weekend off to partake in some activities besides pick up and then go out to meet women the next weekend you'll feel much more fulfilled, refreshed, and vibrant and your interaction with people in general will be enhanced as well.
5. Write up field reports- It's easy to feel "above the process" when you start getting a few lays under your belt but until you have a steady rotation of women you're seeing I guarantee you still have a ways to go in your journey of becoming a seducer.
Hit the pen pad or keyboard and write up your interactions. Simple as that. Pinpoint the places where you think you're going wrong and iron out the kinks in whatever it may be that your getting hung up on.
A lot of times we operate on autopilot and forget interactions as soon as we have them. Going back to the drawing board and fleshing out every little moment that happened forces you to look at where things went awry and can refocus your awareness on what you need to focus on.
I know some nights I get back and think "aw I didn't learn anything tonight it's a waste of time to sit down and write up a report" and I go do it anyway only to look back and find a mistake I've been making over and over again without realizing it.
No reason to keep spinning your wheels if it's a quick fix you could work on with an hour on your word processor.
6. Re-engage and start learning again- "The human brain finds happiness through mastering new skill sets"~ Unidentified Psychology textbook.
Seduction is really just a combination of small sub-skillsets that make up the main, all encompassing skillset that we call seduction.
A lot of times when we start getting a bit of success we stop engaging fully into the learning of each small sub-skillset (deep diving, getting women to qualify themselves, frame control, sexual eye contact at the perfect times, etc) and just sort of go on autopilot without focusing on much of anything. I think autopilot can be good once you actually are good. But if you're reading this then you probably aren't good enough to be at that level yet (unless your reading for fun).
So take some time to figure out a couple areas you want to focus on, set a goal to achieve relating to that area, and go out specifically to go work on those sub-skillsets.
For me this was getting a club makeouts. I went on a little challenge to take girls I know were receptive to me and pull the trigger on making out with them in the shortest time span possible. I know it wasn't too productive in being able to bring the girl back home but I was doing it to learn something new and train myself to better hit escalation windows as soon as they open.
This tip will also get things fun again if you were previously having stale nights in which you weren't actually having that much fun.
Wrap Up
So there you have it quick guide to help you get out of your dry spell and back into those nice sweet sugar walls where you want to be.
The main issue you want to address is the prevention of lowered self esteem that results from not getting the validation you became accustomed to.
The first 3 tips
The last 3 tips
Don't forget to take the attitude of being a stoic with you and that perhaps your dry spell is necessary to your development in becoming a better seducer/man/warrior.
Hope someone finds this of use.
Keep it pimpin gents
-Rob
When was the last time you got your wittle willy wet?
If you can't come up with a quick answer chances are it's been longer than you would prefer.
Today I'm going to dissect what you need to know in order to get you back in the sack ASAP! Or if you're already a player and see something I missed then perhaps add that as well.
First my definition of a dry spell (which some may argue with but for the purpose of this discussion the definition will stand)
Dry Spell: Going a period of time longer than you are typically accustomed to with out getting laid.
Meaning that if you lay a new girl once a week then anything over 7 days would be a dry spell. Whereas if you get laid once a year anything over 365 days would be considered a dry spell.
It can be pretty damn frustrating to go out 4-6 days a week to improve your skillset with women and continually get no results (seemingly). If you've built your identity around being a pimp with women (even though to be honest I'm far from it) you start to feel lame when you continually leave the club or dates empty handed.
That there, from what I've seen and experienced is the real reason dry spells suck. You see, the biggest issue with a dryspell isn't the lack of sex but the missing validation you were previously used to receiving. When you are continually taking new girls home and successfully seducing women you get the validation from "conquering" all these women. They tell you how awesome, sexy, and different you are. You feel like a boss overcoming all the bullshit associated with picking women up and handling logistics and tell yourself how awesome you are.
Then seemingly out of no where the flip switches and all the feel good validation (and sexual gratification) gets turned off and you're left there standing with your dick in your hand.
Mindset to Overcoming Dry Spells: Become a Stoic...
First two quotes to get into the right headspace to get past your dryspell.
Epictetus, a greek stoic philosopher, stated:
"Freedom is secured not by the fulfilling of men's desires, but by the removal of desire" and "Permit nothing to cleave to you that is not your own; nothing to grow to you that may give you agony when it is torn away"
Epictetus is saying that when you feel that NEED for your desire (in our case need for sexual and ego gratification) you enslave yourself to your own desires.
When you don't have what you overly desire you become anxious and restless. A state of mind that people that are "free" don't exist in. Also a state of mind that isn't particularly attractive to women.
He says by removing your desire you become free.
The story I tell myself when I go through a dryspell is that "I have become too dependent on the outcome that I seek (getting sex on a consistent basis) and need to relinquish my tendency to draw my happiness externally rather than internally."
I view a dryspell as an opportunity to become free from outcome. An opportunity to lose my ego. An opportunity to toughen up and become more emotionally self reliant
Just like the ebb and flow of nature, dry spells are the ebb and flow of your journey into of becoming a seducer. It is the strengthening of a root system to support a tree growing in height.
You can't have a "moist spell" [get it
] without a dry spell. Thus it is necessary in your journey of becoming a seducer and a man. Embrace it as such.6 practical tips to get you back in the sack
*These first 3 tips will help you practically cultivate the aforementioned mindset. They will keep you from getting down on yourself and depleting your self esteem as some guys I know have issues with.
1. Stop comparing yourself to others- This is a weak trait to have in general, however it is one that is easy to fall into. We tend to feel like we are less when we compare ourselves to others that are doing better than us. However in all reality it's a waste of time and mental energy that you could spend on improving yourself.
Fact is you can never win the "comparison game". There will always be some guy fucking a hotter girl than you, with a higher lay count, and with more women chasing him at any given point in time that if you are going to derive your worth as a man by "having the most", you are guaranteed to die feeling worthless.
Instead compare yourself to your past self and as to if you have progressed in your journey. When you look back on the overall progress you've made since you began your journey as well as the progress you've made in the past 6 months are you satisfied?
In general are you performing better than you were 6 months ago?
For example even though I was on a dry spell, in general the amount of girls that I was meeting up with for dates, kissing, and getting immediate attraction from was much higher than it was 6 months ago despite not actually getting laid. Thus I allowed myself to feel content and happy.
This bring me to my next point...
2. Celebrate the small successes- Do you remember how you first cold approached a girl for the first time? First phone number? First time bringing a girl home?
If you are anything like me you were probably extremely enthusiastic, proud, and excited upon reaching these milestones. However when you get a couple lays under your belt your expectations increase and you don't even celebrate the little milestones as much.
What I do, and recommend, is that you start getting excited again about the little successes that kept you motivated originally.
So when I get a girls phone number I'm thinking "wow awesome I got a phone number! I freaking rock, no other guy can approach like that and get a phone number. Must be because she can tell my cock is so large!"
However this is only half the equation as you'll still find a bit of frustration when you get really close to making things happen with a girl and end up without her in the end.
This leads me to...
3. Change your criteria for success- So many guys have their criteria for success (and allowing themselves to feel good about themselves) focused on external results (did I get laid or not?) when in reality they have it all wrong.
You can never be fully in control of external results and thus it is entirely preposterous to allow yourself to feel bad or good based on something so out of your control.
You can have a girl fully attracted and ready to go home with you only to have her friend think you're a bad match and make your girl leave you to not look like a whore.
You can approach a girl who would typically be excited to meet you but because her pet canary just died she tells you fuck off.
Instead your criteria for success is "did I take action in a way that I admire? Or did I make excuses and not act in the manner I deem appropriate?" This could also be worded as, "did you control your actions or did you let fear dictate your actions?"
So...
Did you or didn't you approach the girl giving you eyes and looking down submissively when she walked past?
Did you or didn't you move/kiss her when the escalation window opened?
Did you or didn't you invite her home?
Did you or didn't you persist when she gave you last minute resistance in bed and said "sorry I really can't be doing this I juuusssstt met you" with wide and lustful eyes?
If you DID than you are successful and that is the result you were seeking in and of itself.
If you DID NOT than you suck and should beat yourself up and vow to hold yourself to a higher standard come next time. (that's what I do)
*The rest of these tips are more "outer" game concepts, if you will, that will help you blast past your dry spell.
4. Get a Life!- I'd say this is probably the most important out of all of these tips. Yes if you want to get good with women you should be actively going out to meeting LOTS of women, as it's the only way to get good fast.
However you also want to live an interesting life (or I hope you do) and should have an array of other stuff you like to do aside from pickup that you're passionate about and look forward to doing.
Having passions outside of pickup does a couple things for you. For one it helps take away outcome dependence (common theme here huh?) because it gives you something else to look forward too in life.
Also having different passions that you genuinely enjoy will produce a greater depth of character in you. This actually helps a lot with seduction because you will actually have something to talk about other than your boring job and the newest seduction technique you read about. If you're genuinely passionate about your "life activities", lets call them, she'll feel that off of you and become enamored by your apparent zeal that you have for life.
This is pretty easy to do. For me this includes things such as reading (stuff other than pickup material), surfing (my main passion before I got into learning success with women), hanging with friends that I enjoy being around, working for a cause higher than myself (been working with a local charity to raise money), go hiking/camping in the woods, writing and giving speeches at Toast Masters, and trying out a new activity I don't typically partake in.
I promise if you take a weekend off to partake in some activities besides pick up and then go out to meet women the next weekend you'll feel much more fulfilled, refreshed, and vibrant and your interaction with people in general will be enhanced as well.
5. Write up field reports- It's easy to feel "above the process" when you start getting a few lays under your belt but until you have a steady rotation of women you're seeing I guarantee you still have a ways to go in your journey of becoming a seducer.
Hit the pen pad or keyboard and write up your interactions. Simple as that. Pinpoint the places where you think you're going wrong and iron out the kinks in whatever it may be that your getting hung up on.
A lot of times we operate on autopilot and forget interactions as soon as we have them. Going back to the drawing board and fleshing out every little moment that happened forces you to look at where things went awry and can refocus your awareness on what you need to focus on.
I know some nights I get back and think "aw I didn't learn anything tonight it's a waste of time to sit down and write up a report" and I go do it anyway only to look back and find a mistake I've been making over and over again without realizing it.
No reason to keep spinning your wheels if it's a quick fix you could work on with an hour on your word processor.
6. Re-engage and start learning again- "The human brain finds happiness through mastering new skill sets"~ Unidentified Psychology textbook.
Seduction is really just a combination of small sub-skillsets that make up the main, all encompassing skillset that we call seduction.
A lot of times when we start getting a bit of success we stop engaging fully into the learning of each small sub-skillset (deep diving, getting women to qualify themselves, frame control, sexual eye contact at the perfect times, etc) and just sort of go on autopilot without focusing on much of anything. I think autopilot can be good once you actually are good. But if you're reading this then you probably aren't good enough to be at that level yet (unless your reading for fun).
So take some time to figure out a couple areas you want to focus on, set a goal to achieve relating to that area, and go out specifically to go work on those sub-skillsets.
For me this was getting a club makeouts. I went on a little challenge to take girls I know were receptive to me and pull the trigger on making out with them in the shortest time span possible. I know it wasn't too productive in being able to bring the girl back home but I was doing it to learn something new and train myself to better hit escalation windows as soon as they open.
This tip will also get things fun again if you were previously having stale nights in which you weren't actually having that much fun.
Wrap Up
So there you have it quick guide to help you get out of your dry spell and back into those nice sweet sugar walls where you want to be.
The main issue you want to address is the prevention of lowered self esteem that results from not getting the validation you became accustomed to.
The first 3 tips
- -Stop comparing yourself to others
-Celebrate the small successes
-change your criteria for success
The last 3 tips
- -Get a life
-Write up field reports
-re-engage in the learning the sub-skillsets
Don't forget to take the attitude of being a stoic with you and that perhaps your dry spell is necessary to your development in becoming a better seducer/man/warrior.
Hope someone finds this of use.
Keep it pimpin gents
-Rob
