A Strange Saga

[Gideon Winters]

There this girl I know. She knows I’ve been interested in her for a very long time. She’s also been interested in me. She’s just finished with her boyfriend. They were going out for a year. Before she met her boyfriend we were flirting for a very long time, gradually physical. I never made a move (I know, I know. I won’t dwell on that). Anyway, when she was going out with her boyfriend for about four months she told me something I always suspected: that that past summer, just before she met her boyfriend, she had it very bad for me and wanted to have sex with me. Basically, if I would have manned up and made a move we would have slept together. She even said it could have been "more" than that. I know……

Anyway, as the months went by and her relationship with her boyfriend was (apparently) getting more serious she actually got worse with me. Touching me and flirting with me, saying that she “Still would”. It actually got very physical. She would constantly display shows of affection, kissing me on the cheek, neck, eye, and hugging me very tightly. She even used to touch me down there sometimes, sit on my lap in quite provocative poses and lock her legs around me. Again, I never did anything because she was in a relationship and he was in the military. She even rang me up a few times in the early hours of the morning when he was on tour. Partly a general conversion, and partly to tell me she wanted to have sex with me still.

Anyway, as I said, her relationship is over now. I first saw her a week ago, and she was already stating that she had a “date” and got laid that week. Now, I know that a guy at her work likes her a lot, so I naturally assumed it was him. I asked her if it was him and she said it wasn’t, just some “random guy” (those were her exact words). She could see that this news bothered me. Again, her hugging was very tight that night and a few times she pulled me very close to her face without even saying anything, almost like she wanted me to kiss her. I didn’t. So yeah. She also said that she had another date that following week. In the week that followed I texted her a few times, and she replied to the initial ones but then stopped.

I saw her yesterday at the bar she works in. She was polite enough to me and my friend. This is where it gets funny, though. I asked her how her “date” went and she clearly replied that she didn’t go because she was ill. Fair enough. She did say she was seeing someone, though. Then her work friend walked past us and I asked her if it was him. She then, again very clearly, responded that it wasn’t. A few minutes later, though, her work friend came back and said something to her, smiled and then pecked her on the lips as he walked away! So it was him. I asked her and she sheepishly said they only just got found out or something. I then replied it would have made no difference to me whatsoever, as I don’t know him. I then persisted in questioning her (I know I shouldn’t have done that) and she basically got quite defensive. I then shut up, finished my drink and left.

So, I suppose my question is why did she firstly lie to me about not going on her date, and secondly lie to me that it was her work colleague who she was seeing (who I don’t know, remember). My friend who I was with (so I felt quite embarrassed) made an interesting point. It was almost as though she wanted me to think she was seeing some nameless, featureless man instead of someone who was there and who I could see. I found that quite intriguing. It’s quite clear that he was the man she had sex with the previous week, even though I asked her if it was him and she said it wasn't.

Why the lies? I mean, she knew that I knew she was seeing someone, and she also knew I knew she was having sex (although she said it was with some "random guy"). So I don’t see the big issue with her being honest with me regarding that. I just found it funny how the guy was pretty much right there and she still lied about "seeing him". I mean, he didn't hear her, but I think that means she clearly wasn't expecting him to peck her on the lips. That's how I found out, after all. So yeah, do you think her lying means anything?

I’m seeing her next Saturday because we’re working at the same place (she does one Saturday there and one Saturday at my place. So I see her every two weeks, basically).

If you’ve reached the bottom I thank you for reading this strange saga. I really do. Any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated. Should I do anything when I see her next?

 

[Howell]

This chick is not worth your time. And if you do want something with her, it still would be best to cut contact and go meet some of the billion other women on this planet.

When you see her just be friendly, but treat her like any other girl, i.e., silly and cute. It sounds like you're communicating to her that she's your only option and that you aren't going anywhere. That's the recipe for Friendzone à la mode.

Here are two articles that I think will help you get a move on:

https://www.girlschase.com/content/why-girls-bad-boys

https://www.girlschase.com/content/girls-silly-and-cute

-Howell

 

[Gideon Winters]

Thank you for your reply. It’s funny, in September I did ignore her quite a lot when she was at my work. I would only give her short replies and very little eye contact. Eventually I stopped going downstairs to see her at all. She did not like that. One bit. She would constantly come looking for me when she had any spare time. She would even display shows of frustration with me, asking why I was ignoring her whilst grabbing my face and neck. She sat on my lap once and wouldn’t let me go until I told her why I was avoiding her. So yeah, I’ve tried to limit contact with her before when she’s at my work, but she clearly doesn’t like it. I think that was down to the fact that I wasn’t giving her any attention at all. She didn’t like that.

I wouldn’t say she’s “Friendzoned” me. She’s been the same with me for over a year now. I’ve always been quite firm when she was with her boyfriend. I would always tell her that I didn’t want to hear it if she was talking about him. I also always made my intentions clear, at least verbally.

If a woman puts you in the Friendzone does she really display such shows of physical affection virtually all the time you’re with her (hugging and kissing everywhere but on the lips (although I caught the corner of her lips last week))? I mean, her hugs last week and the general body language she was giving off (long eye contact with me, standing with her hand around my neck just gently stroking the back of my hair, and lying on top of me on the stairs with her face touching mine and saying nothing (God I'm an idiot!!!)). I didn’t think women who saw you as a friend or even a back-up option did that. They wouldn’t be so physically blatant, would they?

She displays physical signs that she wants more. If she does do the same next week how should I react?

Also, I have been with another woman since all this. She knows that, too. When it happened she would question me a lot about it.

 

[Howell]

Yeah, it sounds like you're pretty invested in this girl, and that's the first red-flag. I don't know your exact situation, but it sounds like the dynamic is solidly you chasing her. Or maybe I'm wrong and you've just been turtle gaming her (viewtopic.php?f=3&t=5799)?

She may enjoy getting attention from you and keeping your hopes up, but it sounds like you have probably missed the ship, especially if it's been a year already...

You're probably going to rebel emotionally against this, but in all honesty: you are most likely the back-up guy who provides her validation. And if you want to change that you are going to need to make yourself scarce. It is risky for girls to sleep with their friends, because they learn from experience that afterwards the relationship will usually end, or the guy will get needy, and other unpleasant stuff happens. Think of it from her perspective: you provide her a lot of validation, and by sleeping with you she risks losing all that. Attractive girls don't have trouble finding guys to sleep with usually, they have trouble getting cool guys to stay around and take them seriously. That's where you come in as you are now -- you give her that validation she so craves.

Girls will sometimes sleep with guys in the friendzone, but that is usually because another guy slighted them or they get drunk and horny or some such scenario. It is not typically out of attraction for the guy, so much as it is desperation on their side.

If you want, go ahead and go for the close if this behavior continues next time you see her. Maybe she's actually super horny and not just yanking your chain; just waiting for you to make a move? I suppose there's only one way to be certain...

But really man, you should probably be prepared to move on unless you are cool with things staying as they are. But if that was the case you probably wouldn't have posted on this forum in the first place.

-Howell

 

[Gideon Winters]

Thank you for your continued responses.

That doesn't speak for her physical displays of affection (and trust me, there are a lot). She shows genuine affection (kisses and hugs, sometimes even bites). If she were just yanking my chain or eyeing me as her back-up option would she really be so physical? Every article I've read (on this site and other sites) about women stringing guys along, taking them for a ride or viewing them as a back-up plan do not make mention of much physical contact. I thought the woman gives you hints here and there that she may be interested (usually in words), but that's it. This girl has given me nothing but physical signs (and often glaringly physical signs) that she wants more.

Do you think I should call her out on it? Make a move? Or make myself scarce and see how that rocks her boat? The last time I did that there was definitely something going through her mind. She didn’t like it one bit.