A strong urge to argue

[Spyce D]

I used to debate a lot when i was in college . So , this habit stuck with me in normal conversations as well .

I would always find trivial mistakes , points to argue even in chill conversations. But , these days i donot argue unnecessarily with people but I do always feel a strong urge to argue , a lot of arguments come in my mind . And i feel stressed .

E.g. , people are talking about dating .
One of them says ' chicks like guys who obey them'. And even though I won't argue but so many counters will come to my mind .

So , i want to know that
1.) How do I stop caring about what others have to say about topics i am quite passionate about ?
2.) How do I stop this inner monolgue ?

 

[moom]

If its a girl that you want to argue with, just think “girls are silly and cute, and literally half the things that come out of their mouth are laughable”. Realize never to take anything she says at face value.

She said chicks dig guys that obey them?

Turn it into a joke. Or laugh at her. Or say “thats great dear” and pat her head. dont take them seriously and then you wont want to argue with them

 

[Skills]

Socializing - You need to be able to control yourself boys when it comes to subjects...

My facebook, is full of people that can not control themselves, and is just pure trolling is women and men alike (they are posting to trigger the other side)... Started with the black lives matter, then with the election, now with the trump..... I dated a girl for 10 years, her family was hard...

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[Searcher]

The urge to argue about everything comes from a confrontational mindset.
To change that you will have to get to a curiosity mindset. You should try asking those people why they hold such beliefs, etc.
It's also best to have such conversations from the mindset that your experiences different rather than directly attacking their view and saying that they are wrong.

Also the article here shows ways to handle disagreements with girls.

Disagreeing with Women, Made Fun and Effective

In "Why I Quit Dating Girls Who Club, Party, or Drink", a reader notes: “Anyways, I've been having problems with something that should be fairly simple for most people, but I fear that it is far more nuanced than it seems: disagreeing with woman. I remember reading an article about addressing...

www.girlschase.com

 

[Stark]

I used to debate a lot when i was in college . So , this habit stuck with me in normal conversations as well .

I would always find trivial mistakes , points to argue even in chill conversations. But , these days i donot argue unnecessarily with people but I do always feel a strong urge to argue , a lot of arguments come in my mind . And i feel stressed .

E.g. , people are talking about dating .
One of them says ' chicks like guys who obey them'. And even though I won't argue but so many counters will come to my mind .

So , i want to know that
1.) How do I stop caring about what others have to say about topics i am quite passionate about ?
2.) How do I stop this inner monolgue ?

It's an internal rule that you have - 'People shouldn't have opposite viewpoints as mine'

This makes you 'want' to control/influence them - just as how you would do in a debate.

You have to get rid of that rule in your mind that you have for other people.

Your new viewpoint could be 'People can have all kinds of opinions or beliefs. I don't care'..

 

[Chase]

@ThisIndianGuy,

Some good thoughts in this thread.

What is the emotional motivation for wanting to argue?

For example, is it...

• Pride? You want to show off your debate skills and knowledge by being able to tear up any opinionated position
• Pleasure? You just LOVE a good debate, and it's hard to resist the opportunity to launch into one with any & everyone
• Cognitive dissonance? You simply cannot stand someone having an 'incorrect' point of view; they must be corrected!

I'm a debater; I debated all around the dinner table growing up, won county in the debate competition as an amateur in middle school, worked as as a salesman later, which is all about debating people out of their objections. I see the holes in almost every hard opinion anyone presents to me. Any time people start telling me, "It is THIS way!" the thought running through my head is, "Well, that doesn't seem right to me."

However, for the most part, I do not engage with those conversations, because a.) most people won't change their positions just because you argued with them, and b.) I have better things to do than get sucked into the same repeated arguments with people who do not share the same knowledge foundation I have (where you have to figure out, "Okay, what does this person KNOW and what has this person experienced, and how has that informed his worldview... okay what do I know and I have experienced that lead me to a different perspective than he has; is it possible for me to CONVEY this information in a way that changes his mind, or will I just be browbeating him into submission with rhetoric without actually effecting any paradigm shifts? Would it be better to just suggest he read XYZ book and get back to me and then we can talk about ABC topic?").

When I do catch myself slipping (or being tempted) into a dumb debate, it's always one of those three reasons... pride, pleasure, or dissonance.

Each has a different solution, so it's fairly important to know which ones are affecting you.

Chase

 

[Spyce D]

@ThisIndianGuy,

Some good thoughts in this thread.

What is the emotional motivation for wanting to argue?

For example, is it...

• Pride? You want to show off your debate skills and knowledge by being able to tear up any opinionated position
• Pleasure? You just LOVE a good debate, and it's hard to resist the opportunity to launch into one with any & everyone
• Cognitive dissonance? You simply cannot stand someone having an 'incorrect' point of view; they must be corrected!

I'm a debater; I debated all around the dinner table growing up, won county in the debate competition as an amateur in middle school, worked as as a salesman later, which is all about debating people out of their objections. I see the holes in almost every hard opinion anyone presents to me. Any time people start telling me, "It is THIS way!" the thought running through my head is, "Well, that doesn't seem right to me."

However, for the most part, I do not engage with those conversations, because a.) most people won't change their positions just because you argued with them, and b.) I have better things to do than get sucked into the same repeated arguments with people who do not share the same knowledge foundation I have (where you have to figure out, "Okay, what does this person KNOW and what has this person experienced, and how has that informed his worldview... okay what do I know and I have experienced that lead me to a different perspective than he has; is it possible for me to CONVEY this information in a way that changes his mind, or will I just be browbeating him into submission with rhetoric without actually effecting any paradigm shifts? Would it be better to just suggest he read XYZ book and get back to me and then we can talk about ABC topic?").

When I do catch myself slipping (or being tempted) into a dumb debate, it's always one of those three reasons... pride, pleasure, or dissonance.

Each has a different solution, so it's fairly important to know which ones are affecting you.

Chase

i believe , it has got to be my pride .

yep, need to show some humility then.

 

[trashKENNUT]

yep, need to show some humility then

It is a lifetime practice for all of us.

For some reason, the world keeps innovating it's ways to get you to respond.

z@c+

 

[Chase]

@ThisIndianGuy,

i believe , it has got to be my pride .

yep, need to show some humility then.

Humility's good... but there's an easier way to change your behavior, and that is to work with the emotion that's causing the behavior.

Pride kicks in, and you think, "I'm going to show this no-nothing up good!" So then you start tearing into the debate.

But what actually happens? Let's say you cream the other party and outclass him / her every which way.

The following things will occur:

• The other person, unconvinced despite your sterling logic (remember, opinions are not based on logic), feels like you "just don't get it" and is annoyed by your badgering and hammering on "irrelevant" points that might score you logical wins but don't sway that person's opinions
  
  
• Any people viewing, if they're on your side they might cheer you on, but otherwise they are likely to view this debating as tone deaf and antisocial. e.g., ever be at a family event or out with friends where people are trying to have fun, and then two people get locked into a debate? You can always tell which party is "The Debater" and pushing hard for the debate and trying to score a win, and which is just the hapless fools who got caught throwing his opinions about and fell into the maw of the debater. You end up fairly annoyed with both these people because they're ruining the fun

So, basically, by debating with people, you look retarded.

You're unlikely to effect real, lasting change in anyone's opinions.

Meanwhile, you make yourself look like an antisocial wackjob.

Realize this, and the urge to debate for pride gets a lot more manageable... because you realize the "pride" of winning will actually result in you lowering yourself in others' eyes, by seizing on some powder puff opinion of someone and tearing it to bits unnecessarily.

Remember, most people don't value "the person with the most incisive opinions and best-argued positions." They value good vibes, people getting along well, everyone having fun, and so on.

Pride yourself on contributing to that and you'll be on the right path socially (you can even find ways to get people with annoying opinions to shut up by communicating to those people they are ruining the vibe -- and now instead of being annoyed at you people will cheer you on!).

Chase

 

[Spyce D]

Thanks y'all for all the advice, now all i got to do is apply